Disclaimer: I do not own The 100

Chapter 25

Lexa touched her cheek, she was sure it may have turned red. But she probably deserved it. Once again, she had no control over her anger, hurting Clarke in the process.

Aden was walking towards the car now, so Lexa tried to school her features, needing to seem normal for him.

"Hey buddy"

"Where's momma? I wanted to go to the loo so I told her I'll meet her at the car."

"She had to go back in for something, baby. Why don't you sit in. she'll be right out."

The boy happily sat in the backseat and Lexa waited patiently outside the car, her eyes fixed on the school building entrance. After about 10 minutes she spotted Clarke walking out. Her eyes red rimmed and puffy. It caught a few people's attention and she felt super bad about it.

When Clarke was closer she said "Clarke…I…"

"Let's go home" was all she got from Clarke before she sat in the passenger seat.

They began to drive, and somehow, on their way, Aden had picked up on the mood in the car. He was quiet and pensive. Lexa tried making conversation with him but he didn't want to talk much.

Lexa stopped the car outside the ice cream parlour then turned around and asked him

"Come on buddy, let's go get you some ice cream"

"I don't want ice cream anymore" Now Clarke turned to look at him too. He looked sad.

"Why not baby, we're celebrating, you had such a good year at school"

"I'm not feeling like ice cream anymore" he said

"Okay bud, what do you want to have instead? You name it, I'll take you there"

"I'm not hungry" he said and looked out the window.

Lexa looked towards Clarke for assistance on what to do next. All Clarke said was, "Let's go"

So Lexa continued their drive on home.

On reaching home, Aden ran inside quickly. Clarke strode in and Lexa tried to catch up with her. She knew she'd hurt Clarke immeasurably with her words and she wished she could take them back.

"Clarke… I'm sorry..."

She turned to face Lexa and said softly "You said what you had to say Lexa. You don't have to apologize for it"

Lexa wanted to say so much but her own feelings were conflicted now. She was beginning to care so much about what Clarke thought and about how Clarke must feel. In retrospect, she came here with an intention to show Clarke how she couldn't care less. But the fact is, there was always a part of her that loved Clarke. That would care for Clarke. But seeing Bellamy today really brought out her anger. It was like being transported back to that day all over again. So could she really help it?

All her anger was trying to make it's way out, and Lexa couldn't wait for the day when she would just be exhausted of it, exhausted of making Clarke feel so horrible.

She walked inside to find Raven and Anya home. Anya had picked Madi up from school and they were all congratulating Aden on a good year.

Raven then came towards the kitchen and started scooping out some ice cream in a few bowls.

"Where did that come from?" Lexa asked her.

"Clarke told me he wanted ice cream and then he changed his mind. Knowing him, we knew he'd come home and want ice cream again. So she texted me asking me to pick some up on my way here"

"Oh" Lexa said.

There was a small part of her that wishes she had these insights into Aden's mind, she wished she knew him the way Clarke did, and she wished she had been part of Aden's last 4 years. She wished Clarke would rely on her instead of Raven when it came to caring for Aden.

"What happened? What did you say to Clarke this time? She came in red-eyed and upset and said she needed some time to herself" Raven stated while filling a few bowls with ice cream.

"We ran into Bellamy…" Lexa began by way of explanation.

"Enough said." Raven said, understanding that running into him would have caused some kind of words to be exchanged between them.

"Anyway, tomorrows Clarke's birthday. You're going to be around right?"

Lexa nodded "I suddenly don't know if that's a good idea or not. Given everything that's been going on, maybe I should stay away."

"Knowing Clarke, she'd want you around" Raven said and walked away to serve ice cream to the others.

Lexa looked towards the top of the staircase, she wondered if she should go talk to Clarke right now while the kids were busy downstairs.

She walked slowly towards the door to Clarke's room, she knocked but got no answer. So she pushed the door gently and peeked in, calling out softly "Clarke… it's me" she looked around but found Clarke wasn't here, closer inspection led her to figure out Clarke was in the shower.

It then hit her, the gravity of where she was standing. It had been so long. So very long since she was last here, since she stood in this bedroom, their bedroom.

It hit her so hard, she found her legs getting weak. She didn't realize how, but she was now seated at the edge of their bed, trying to slow her breathing down. She looked around the room, nothing much had changed. Everything was in the same place since the day she left. Except, the pictures of them had been taken down. All but one. One that Lexa now spotted peeking out from under Clarke's pillow.

Lexa reached out and took it in her hands. She stared at the beautiful picture of them, it was their first Christmas together and someone had captured a candid click of a very private moment they were sharing by the tree. Lexa had her arm around Clarke and she had just said something that was apparently all too hilarious for Clarke who had a head tilted back in laughter, but the way Lexa held her, the love eyes she had for only her, it was all so… beautiful. Lexa missed it, she missed seeing Clarke this way, carefree, hers, so in love.

She missed being the reason Clarke could have these moments of joy. She missed her old life. She hadn't realized when the tears began to fall, but a sound from the shower brought her back from her reverie. She quickly wiped her tears and walked towards the door to their bathroom.

After all these years, she didn't know where they stood. She decided it wasn't her place to enter in, to reach out right now and offer comfort, but listening in to Clarke sobbing in the shower hurt too much. She wanted so bad to go in there and hold her and tell her they will be okay, tell her she was sorry about the way she was acting out, sorry that they've reached here.

She sat down on the floor, leaning her back against the door and stared at the photograph in her hands. She wanted to make it right. She wanted to be over her anger. She wanted to be able to forgive Clarke, but it was just so difficult to put the past behind her, so difficult to forget the pain she had to go through. But this photograph, it looked so easy, it looked so easy to love Clarke, it was simple, and she used to let her heart feel what it wanted to feel when she was around Clarke. These days, her brain wouldn't let her heart have a say at all.

It was all about keeping her distance, never letting Clarke get close to that wall. If Clarke got close, she may start breaking it down, or she'll find a way in, and if she found a way in, she'd have the power to break her once again. And Lexa had survived it once, she didn't think she would be able to do it again.

She was so lost in thought, that she hadn't heard the shower being turned off, she hadn't heard movement behind the door, and she wasn't prepared for when the door was pulled open and she almost fell backwards.

She quickly stood up and faced Clarke. Lexa had planned on saying so much, had wanted to apologize for the filthy things she'd said near the car earlier, wanted to tell her how she's trying hard to find the right outlets for her anger but it keeps coming out wrong, she wanted to ask Clarke about their photos, about this one photo and if she slept with it under her pillow every night.

She had wanted to ask Clarke to continue doing that if it brings her any comfort, at least until she was ready to try things out again. (Wait what, is that where she wanted this to go?), but every thought she'd had while sitting out there, died on her tongue when she was faced with Clarke Griffin, clad in a towel wrapped around her.

"Lexa" Clarke said, still in shock that Lexa had been outside the bathroom, she probably heard her crying and Clarke had never wanted that. She didn't deserve to be the one crying when Lexa was the one who had been wronged all those years ago. She had hurt Lexa and not the other way around. But could she really help it. The tears came of their own accord these days. Was she allowed to cry when she had caused their separation in the first place? She was allowed to cry because the one woman she loves may have insinuated that she sees her as a total whore.

And just thinking about it was making her eyes water again. All the scrubbing she had just done, all the exfoliation she kept doing, nothing has ever made her felt clean since that day four years ago, and now, more so after Lexa had said those things to her. Her skin burned, she wished she could have her old skin back, the one touched only by Lexa, the one Lexa would love right now. She looked down at her feet, shame coming upon her again, she wanted to get out of this situation, she couldn't stand before Lexa right now, not like this. Her skin tingled with the cool air of the room touching it.

AN: Review?