A/N: Please don't hate me! I know I took a lot longer to update than I said I would but I have legit reasons. Not many people on this site know this, but I am actually a full time carer for my mum and have been for a very long time; as well as having a part-time job. Recently my mum's health has declined and I have been overwhelmed with trying to help her, plan my wedding and stay sane through all the stress and emotion at the possibility of her not recovering like she has in the past. So that being said, please bear with me with updates. My wedding is in May and the planning has gone into over-drive so my time is limited unfortunately. BUT, I have finally managed to finish this chapter and I really hope its good enough. :)
Thank you so much for all your continued reviews and support for this story! It means far more than you know. :D In Suze and Jesse's POV's. Anonymous review replies will be up on my profile ASAP! If you want to follow me on Facebook or Twitter, there's links on my profile. :) Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-Five
"There's no place like home," I sighed as I climbed the steps leading into my mom and step-dad, Andy's house.
It was the morning after I got back from Jesse's family home. I'd planned on stopping by the night before to see my family, but the minute I'd sat down on my bed after unpacking I'd fell asleep and didn't wake up again until the sun was coming up. Embarrassed I'd gone looking for Gina, but it'd looked like her bed hadn't even been slept in and she obviously hadn't been home at all. A tell tale sign that Gina's up is the strong smell of coffee drifting through the apartment. It's as much a staple for my best friend in the morning as having a cigarette is.
Only a little bit worried that Gina had probably slept at the club again, I'd gotten showered, dressed and dosed up on as much coffee as I could take before stepping out and heading for my moms. I'd spoken to her while I was away, but it just wasn't the same. As much as I'd love spending time in such an incredible ranch, I wanted some familiarity, the only kind I could get from being at home and seeing my family. Judging by the one car in the driveway though, my mom was the only one at home.
Not bothering to knock, I stepped into the foyer and just stood there for a few quiet minutes, taking in the familiar feel and atmosphere of the house. Feels like home. Looking down into the living room I thought about how I couldn't wait to get out of here as soon as I graduated high school. I wanted to be back in New York with Gina, I wanted the fast paced city life again. But now, I'm just relieved I'm not there in the chaos, where there's no soft sand to walk bare-footed on, or watch the sun going down over the clear blue water. California compared to New York is a whole different world and a whole different time. One I wanted back almost straight away after leaving.
The idea of leaving everything I knew behind to come to California - at the time - was a major dent in my ambitions and I was a little pissed. I was happy for my mom of course, she was happy. But, taking on a new step-dad and three step-brothers and a dog? Yeah, not what I would have called fun! Thank God I've grown up since then and can look back and appreciate the new life my mom gave me here. It was always this house that I thought of when I missed something stable in my life and was what spurred me on to coming back.
Only now there's a piece of it missing.
Breaking away from the thought of Brad before it over-powered me too much, I followed my nose to the kitchen where the smell of burnt sugar was making my nose twitch. "Mom?" I called out as I stepped up to the stove, sticking on an oven glove and opening the door to let out the smoke building up inside. "Geez!" I coughed, waving the smoke away towards the open patio door. I took the burnt cookies out of the oven and set them down by the sink. "Shame," I pouted, eye-balling the burnt cookies, my stomach rumbling at the idea of something sweet and crunchy.
"Susie?" My mom called out as I saw her head up the garden and come rushing through into the kitchen. "Oh Susie, you're home!" She cried, throwing her arms around me and hugging me tight to her. I tensed up for a second before relaxing into her hug and giving just as good as I was getting. We stayed there for a while, my mom stroking her hand down my hair as she sniffled in my ear. "It's so good to have you back, sweetie." She sniffled some more as she pulled away, wiping the escaped tears away from her cheeks. "Oh, look at me. So emotional!" She laughed, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue from her pocket. "How are you? What's Jesse's family like? Tell me everything!"
My mom guided me over to the small island and pushed me down onto a stool before going back to examine her burnt cookies.
"Hmm, maybe you should start leaving the baking to Andy, mom," I laughed, taking in her appearance while she wasn't paying attention.
It could have been a trick of the light, but I was sure I could see a few more streaks of grey in her hair than normal. She always tells me she's trying to age gracefully, so hasn't given in to dying it yet. She was pale and tired when I'd seen her last. But now she just looked a tiny bit weary. I relaxed in my chair a little bit more, relieved to see she was physically OK. Emotionally I couldn't tell. She's always been a little tearful when I've been gone for any amount of time.
Laughing she abandoned the cookies and reached into the freezer and pulled out some Ben & Jerry's, followed with two spoons before sitting down opposite me across the island. Grinning she opened the lid and set it down between us, letting me put my spoon into the sweet cookie dough goodness first. I was savoring my first spoonful before I answered her previous questions.
"My week was good. I guess I needed it more than I thought," I smiled ruefully at her, twirling my spoon through the ice-cream. She just twitched a perfectly manicured eyebrow at me in the way moms do, telling you she knows best. "And Jesse's family are great! Really, really nice. Alisa showed me her pony and the three of us went out riding across their land. It felt like I'd stepped into a different time or something." I thought, being surrounded by so much open space and silence. The nights were a completely different thing too. I don't think I've ever seen so many stars.
Reaching across my mom took my hand and squeezed it, but didn't let go.
"It sounds perfect, sweetheart. I'm glad you took the chance and went along." My mom expressed. I was half expecting her to start crying again, but when I looked into her eyes - a reflection of mine - I only saw the truth. No tears, no sorrow. Just a simple acceptance. I took that as my cue.
"What about you?" I asked, taking the chance while she had a spoon in her mouth. "How are you and Andy holding up?"
Taking her hand away from mine, she sat up and laid her spoon down on the counter, seeming to take her time with her answer. I wasn't going to push her; I just wanted her to be honest with me. No secrets, no lies. Just a bare truth so that we can move forward together. I don't want it to be like it was when my dad died. I don't remember us ever talking about how it made us feel, so I just buried my grief deep down and left it to fester and grow as I got older and understood it better. I don't want it to be that way again. I couldn't go through it . . .
"Andy's . . . coping. Better than I thought he would actually," She replied, looking at me without guarded eyes. It was almost like a sucker punch to my gut seeing how deep it all went. But I didn't look away, just took it in and listened. Did what she needed me to do. "We've been seeing Father Dominic a lot - you remember your old principal?" She carried on at my fond nod of Father Dom. "We've had Jake and David to dinner a couple of times, but he's been spending a little bit less time with them each day. He knows he can't watch them every minute of every day. But I think it's helped them all, he's sleeping better now too."
Smiling I said nothing but encouraged her on by holding her hand between mine.
Sighing she continued, slowly her shoulders losing the tension. "I feel . . . Well, I don't really know how I feel, Susie. I'm being as strong for Andy as I can be, doing whatever I can to help. As you've seen, my cooking hasn't been going so well. But, I think I'm slowly starting to feel better. I don't feel like I want to be sick each time I think of Bradley anymore. We've been looking through Andy's photo albums, it's been good. Therapeutic for us both I think. I'm . . . I'm going to be OK. We all are." She finished on a shaky breath, her hand trembling slightly beneath my hands.
"Yes we are, mom. We all are." I repeated back to her, in absolute conviction.
I stayed with mum for a while longer, not talking about Brad and grieving and all the things that could make us both break down crying. But talking about Jesse and Alisa and where I fit in with them. I was expecting my mom to give me another warning, but she didn't. She just wanted to know everything, including dropping the L bomb on me. At that point I made a hasty escape as quick as I could. She tried to get it out of me all the way to the car, but I just pretended I couldn't hear her properly and blew a kiss to the stubborn shake of her head.
Besides, I had a legit excuse! I do still have a business to help run and need to get back to. Enough sitting around, time to make it a success!
I stepped through the doors of our new club and absorbed the massive sense of accomplishment I felt at just standing there and looking around the place. It was ours; we designed it, paid for it and run it. Smugly letting my grin split my face apart I ran my eyes around the place. It hadn't been easy and it sure as hell hadn't been cheap either. But it was worth every gruelling stressful second and every penny. So what if I didn't have much money for a while, Gina and I knew we'd make our money back and a profit if the club was successful.
Luckily it has been so far.
Sighing giddily I shrugged off my coat and strolled further in, making my way to the downstairs bar to place my bag and coat on the counter. I didn't get back from Jesse's family ranch until late the night before after hitting unexpected traffic on the way home. Alisa had crashed out in the back of his truck not long after we started out on the road, which just left Jesse and I in a sweet comfortable silence for most of the ride home. We were both happy to just sit and enjoy the quiet. I didn't want to let go of what we'd got from being somewhere so calm and relaxing for the past few days.
I wasn't stupid though, I knew I needed to bring my head out of the clouds and touch back down on reality sooner or later. I had to go and see my family, but remember to keep my grief tamed and closed behind the barrier I'd slowly learned to put up between me and the pain while with Jesse's family. I wasn't great, but I was OK; which was a lot better than I had been before I left. But I knew it was time to go back and see my family and start to help them again too.
I just have to remind them that it's OK to not be OK yet.
I'd caught Jesse staring at me every now and again on the drive back, catching me with either a dopey smile on my face because I was fantasying and memorizing every intimate moment we had while we were away. Or chewing my lower lip between my teeth as my mind spun to other things. Like helping my family and getting back to my business with Gina. And wondering how different things would be between Jesse and me when we get back. I was a mess of thoughts and feelings that eventually lulled me into a sleep with the help of Jesse's warm hand on my thigh. I didn't wake up again until we stopped at the front of my apartment complex, disappointed to be home already.
After a long, sweet kiss goodnight - that if Alisa wasn't in the car would have had me pulling Jesse's buttoned shirt open and my hands running all over his body - he helped me with my bags and said goodbye. I stood watching his car get smaller until it turned a corner and disappeared. I wanted to call and ask him to come get me and take me with them. After a week of waking beside Jesse, I dreaded sleeping alone. Turns out I was so tired it didn't make a difference. But waking this morning I still felt disappointed he wasn't there.
I have no idea what that means for us and I'm not ready to try and figure it out.
Picking up the cups of hot steaming coffee I'd picked up from the Coffee Clutch on the way over, I called out to the quiet space.
"Honey, I'm home!"
"Shit!" was the response I got back.
Following the sound of Gina's cussing all the way across the club and up the stairs to the higher level, I stopped dead in my tracks at the decorations that were definitely not there when I left to go to Jesse's ranch. Slowly stepping further onto the wide open plan floor, I took in the pink and red crepe paper hanging from the ceilings; the L plated helium balloons floating in the corners and the balloon arch high across the best seats, with 'Caution! Girls Night Out!' tape cornering off the 'VIP' area. Whistling I walked over to where Gina was precariously leaning off a ladder and trying to attach more crepe paper to the ceiling.
"Uh, Gina? Are you sure you want to be doing that?" I slowly asked, trying not to scare her off her high perch in case she fell. I got the feeling from her lack of coming home all night, that she wasn't going to be in a great mood, let alone making her break another bone. Putting the coffee's down I tentatively held the wobbly ladder still. "You should have asked Joe to do this; he'd have been able to reach no problem." I said, referring to our barman who was over six foot tall and our 'handyman' when it came to the club.
Huffing, Gina glared down at me. "And run the risk of getting sued if he fell and broke his big toe? No thanks," She grumbled, reaching up again until she managed to pin the crepe paper where she wanted it, hammering it in for good measure. I winced at the force she hit it, half expecting to see some plaster fall and hit me on the head she was banging it so hard. She was definitely pissed about something and the poor hammer was getting the brunt of it.
"So . . ." I started stepping away from the ladder as she made her way down it, still wielding the hammer.
"Can I smell coffee?" Gina mumbled as she pushed past me, heading for her cup.
"Hello to you too," I quipped as I walked over to where Gina had slumped on one of the leather couches, her legs sprawled out in front of her. She looked exhausted and rumpled. "Who got your panties in a knot on this fine day?" I asked as I sat down on the arm of the couch, taking up my own coffee and inhaling the rich scent before taking a sip and burning my lip and tongue. There's some things you just don't learn from I guess. I ignored the hard glare she shot me as she drank her coffee, not wincing at the heat of her look, like I had on the coffee.
"No-one's got my panties in a knot," Gina answered sighing heavily. She didn't seem quite as pissed off after that exhale. "It's just been a long night and now I need to get this all decorated before I can finally go home and get shut eye before tonight's Bachelorette party," She sighed again and rubbed at her eyes with one hand while I looked around the place. Considering she'd been doing it alone, she'd managed to get a lot done.
Waggling my eyebrows at her I grinned. "That's what you've got me here for now. The newly refreshed, less stressed Suze. Let's get to it," I cheered, making Gina groan at me when I jumped up and started to help wherever I could.
It took a couple of hours and some bickering, but Gina and I managed to finish decorating eventually. The caterers had been to drop off their supplies in our kitchen ready for the private party later. The extra male staff we'd hired had picked up their bow tie and wrist cuffs ready to topless deliver the finger food to the ladies. More helium balloons have been delivered and were sitting on each table along with all kinds of willy shaped things. It's what the bride-to-be wanted so it was what she got. Willy shaped straws and stirrers were sitting behind the counter along with inflatable willy costumes for the barman to wear.
The bride wanted a lot more, but we'd managed to talk her out of too much when she'd first come to talk about hiring it. Looking around, Gina and I were pretty pleased with the outcome. Even if it was a bit too much.
"So how did it go with Jesse's family?" Gina asked once we finished and was sitting on the opposite side of the bar to me, drinking a cold Coke. "Did you two finally have sex?" She grinned devilishly, leaning forward in her seat eager to know. I wasn't surprised by the question, I was expecting it. She's never been one to beat around the bush; especially about sex. Unfortunately I couldn't quite keep the smile off my face when the memory of a very naked, sweaty and sexy Jesse popped into my head. I reached for a cold Coke, laying it across my chest to cool me down. Watching me Gina threw back her head and laughed, before whooping and saying, "I want details, Simon. Now."
Tugging my lower lip between my teeth I tried as hard as I could to bite back my grin. There was no way I was going to be giving her any details about my sex life with Jesse. I know he'd be horrified if he knew I'd said anything. Besides, they're details I want to keep under lock and key to myself. Only if I've had a drink have I let slip a few details about my boyfriends past. Except for when I was with Paul. Something about him and me together never felt right and I spoke to Gina about it a lot. Best thing he ever did for me was cheat. It spurred me on to moving back to Carmel sooner than I'd planned; which led to me meeting Jesse and being for the first time, 100% fully satisfied in the bedroom.
Sure men have fulfilled some needs. But never in the way Jesse has. I can still taste the fruity chocolate kiss we shared before we made love for the first time.
I couldn't stop the blood rushing to my face.
And that is the difference between Jesse and every other guy I've been with. Jesse made love to me. It wasn't just sex it was - it was so much more than that! The connection I feel with him is mind-blowing and crazy and I feel like a drug addict, I just can't get enough of it. I don't even have to touch him, just look into his eyes and its right there. Blowing out a breath I shook my head trying to get my head around what it was. I connect with Jesse in such a deep way I've felt like I've been walking on the clouds ever since that first oh so sweet time. I thought it would wear off, but we made love a lot more since and each time it's just made me sink deeper.
I feel hopelessly . . . screwed.
Whistling Gina sat back and looked at me. "Whoa, I haven't seen that look on you before. That good huh?" She smiled. Not in a devilish way this time. More in a genuine happy for me kind of way. It just made the fluttering in my belly go even crazier. If Gina could see something too, then it wasn't just my imagination playing tricks on my fragile state of mind.
"Gina it was . . . It was amazing." I sighed dreamily.
"Lucky girl," She winked, reaching out for my Coke I'd put down but didn't open.
Snapping myself out of the daydream I was in, I let the silence stretch between us for a bit before I stepped on to dangerous territory.
"So Caden stopped by at Jesse's family's ranch on his way out of town yesterday," I started, looking straight at her. "Said something about you wanted space or something . . . So what's going on?" Caden hadn't wanted to talk about it, so I figured I'd be up against the same thing with Gina.
"Nothing's going on, I cut him loose." She blandly replied. Just like that, without missing a beat.
"OK, why?" I asked, leaning forward on the bar. I had an idea but I wanted to hear it from her. I could feel my irritation itching beneath the surface, crawling around my skin. I love my best friend, I really do. But Gina can be a stubborn bitch when she wants to be. I've lost count of the broken hearts she's left in her wake. Two of my brothers included! I've just stood by the side and watched my frustration with my best friend growing more and more. Maybe a few months ago I would have just sucked the annoyance down and left her to it. But since meeting Jesse and losing Brad - I guess I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
Damn stubborn woman.
Watching me closely for a second, Gina shrugged. "He had baggage and brought drama, I don't like either one. Moving on." She commented as she got off the bar stool and stood silently looking at our decorating. Her whole body language was giving off warning signs to drop the subject. But I guess I can be a stubborn bitch too. "You remembered to book the stripper right? That's going to be fun trying to keep the rest of the woman in the club downstairs," Gina continued, carrying on with her diversion. I just stayed silent. "OK, I'm whacked and need some sleep. You ready to go?"
I moved out from around the bar and followed her down the stairs to the lower level, never taking my eyes off her rigid back. I let her take three steps towards the door before I said something that made her back go even more stiff with tension and anger. It looked painful.
"Gina, when exactly are you going to grow up?"
I heard her take in a deep breath and loudly exhale it before she slowly turned around to face me; her expression giving nothing away if there was a stranger standing in front of her. But I'm not a stranger and I could see the hot anger in her fired eyes. I didn't flinch or back down from her hard stare burning into me. A lesser person would have been quivering at this point, but I just took a step towards her. I love Gina, but sometimes I just don't understand her. Sometimes I just can't understand what makes her tick. Sometimes, I don't always like her.
For maybe five minutes.
What is this bullshit about he has baggage and drama? Yeah OK, he can be a tool. What guy can't be a tool and what girl can't be a bitch? But I have to give the guy props for trying with Gina. Romantic gestures with breakfast in bed; wined and dined; falls over himself to do something that would make her happy or laugh. Actually puts Gina first from what I've seen and genuinely does make her laugh. All things that most men haven't found easy to do for Gina. And she thinks he has baggage?! She needs to learn the meaning of the word.
The only problem Caden has that I know about is from being in the military and all the horrible things he did and saw there. Jesse didn't tell me that little bit of information lightly, but it explained a few things. But come on, you couldn't swing a cat in the military without hitting a soldier with mild or serious cases of Post Traumatic Stress, and who could blame them?! As for the drama . . . the only drama between them two is that their too similar, so they clash.
But hot damn they work well together.
This has to be the reason she's given him the boot.
"What - did you just say to me?" She sneered. Her expression had started off neutral, but the longer the silence between us, the more her face distorted into an angry snarl. It just made me more annoyed; because one day Gina is going to push aside the wrong man and Caden might just be that one.
Crossing my arms across my chest I cocked an eyebrow at her. "I said 'when are you going to grow up?'" I repeated, licking my dry lips. You could cut the atmosphere between us with a knife it was that thick with tension. I was irritated and I wasn't backing down. "You know for years I've watched you pop in and out of relationships, never trying to settle down. But finally here is someone who rattles you in a great way and you're just shoving him aside for nothing!"
Dropping my bag and coat to the floor I started pacing and throwing my hands around as I vented.
"You think Post Traumatic Stress is baggage?" I asked in disbelief. "I know you're not that shallow to think someone with that issue is beneath you. Weren't you the same person who weeks ago cornered me and told me to start thinking about myself and stop pushing Jesse away? It was some of the best advice you ever gave me and now you're doing the same thing to him!"
Stopping my pacing and arm throwing I stopped in front of a slightly shocked Gina and slumped my shoulders.
"Why can't you accept that Caden actually makes you happy and that you're good together? What's so wrong with that?" I asked, trying but failing to keep the defeat out of my voice. Closing my eyes I pressed the heels of my hands to them, trying to push away the headache starting to throb behind them. I spoke without opening them. "I'm sorry, that wasn't how I was planning on talking to you about this. I just - I just don't want you to give up on something that if it works out could be really good. I just want you to give him a chance."
Opening my eyes I saw Gina staring back at me, the anger gone from her eyes. It was just filled with some kind of anxiety and fear I didn't understand. She attempted to crack a joke to cover it up, but it was too late; I'd already seen it there.
"Since when are you Caden's number one fan?" She laughed, bowing her head slightly as she stepped back from me and started to be the one pacing. I knew right then that I was experiencing an extremely rare moment of Gina letting her guard down, so I held my breath with anticipation. "Suze what if - what if I'm not good enough for him? What if I'm not enough to help him through his problems? I don't even know where to start or what to say . . ." Slumping down onto a cube leather seat Gina's shoulders dipped. "He's told me he's had problems dealing. You should see him after he wakes from a nightmare, it's like he sees right through me. You know nothing scares me, but that - He's so -" She shuddered, folding in on herself. "How am I supposed to help him?"
If there's one word I could describe my best friend as, it would be selfless. Gina, for the most part is stubborn and hard-headed. But when it comes to her family and friends, she always puts herself last. It speaks volumes of what she feels for Caden to be scared and unsure what to do. She has an answer for almost everything. A solution for everyone! But when it comes to what's good for her, she's completely blind to it. When she doesn't have a solution for herself, that's when she cuts loose and heads in the opposite direction.
Apparently Caden's no different!
Quietly sighing and letting go of all the tension making my shoulders ache, I walked over to Gina and crouched down in front of her. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've seen her have a mini-break down and each time is one of the hardest things I've ever seen. I didn't take her hand or try to hug her. I just looked at her, smiling softly, rolling my eyes at her uncharacteristic naivety.
"Have you tried talking to Caden and telling him that? Maybe that's where you need to start," I slowly said. "Just give yourself a chance before you completely count yourself out. You two may be two of the most stubborn people I've ever had to meet, but it doesn't mean it's not great." A slow grin stretched her full lips in to a wide smile that told me exactly what thought had gone through her mind. "Gross!" I cried, jumping up to my feet and away from her as if she had cooties.
Laughing Gina stood up, looking more like the girl I'd seen a week before, and not the stressed out tired one I'd found a couple of hours earlier. It felt good to start having my life slowly return to normal again. If Gina's out of whack then so I am. Normal Gina means less tense Suze.
"Riiiiight, like you and Jesse aren't having just as much of a wild time as Caden and I have," I just blushed a little in answer. "Yeah thought so! Come on, I've had enough mushy stuff for one day; I've got a date with my bed." Gina sighed dragging her heels towards the doors of the club.
Smiling I picked up my coat and bag and followed after her, feeling more refreshed than I had before. "And things are right with the world again." I sang lightly as I turned the lights out and followed my best friend. No one and nothing was going to bring me down from my high. Not when finally, things are starting to get back on track again.
xXx
"Nombre de dios," I muttered to myself as I sighed heavily and looked around at the clutter of paper littering the floor of my den. "I am in big trouble."
"Will you dress up like a prince too, daddy?" Alisa asked excitedly, her small arms flying around her gesturing wildly. I tried not to groan at the idea of being dressed like a fairy-tale prince, as the little men whom have been invited to her birthday party have been asked to do. My house will be filled with fairytale characters. But the innocent look upon my beautiful daughters face made me hold my tongue and evade outright saying no. I just kept my fingers crossed she would be so absorbed in her own costume that she would forget she asked me.
It has been nearly a week since we returned from my family home and I had finally put off planning Alisa's birthday party long enough. For an hour Alisa and I sat on the floor of our den, discussing what she would like for her birthday party. Part of me wished I had never thought to discuss it so in-depth with her. But the father in me just couldn't help but be swept up in the many ideas she has had. One of which is that she wants it as fairytale themed as she can possible get it. This also means I am going to have a very pink, glittery and sparkly house for a couple of days once her party has passed. Thank Heavens for Susannah willing to help me.
"Will I have a cake?" Alisa questioned me. "Is it going to be a crown, with glitter and pink sweets?" She bounced around on the spot where she sat.
Laughing I reached over and lifted her small body up to sit her in my lap, kissing the top of her soft dark hair. "Of course you will have a cake, princesa. Only the best for my little girl. Susannah has said she will make it for you. Would you like that?" I asked, keeping my fingers crossed the hesitant look on Susannah's face when I had agreed to it, meant she would be able to pull off what my fairytale crazed daughter wanted. Alisa nodded eagerly, her hair whipping around her face. "Good, that's another thing to tick off the list; I think we are finished for tonight. Time for bed now." I said, quickly getting to my feet with Alisa in my arms before she fought me.
Unfortunately she started to protest straight away regardless.
"But we not done yet, Daddy! We still have lots to do. I gots to tell you what I want in my party bags!" She cried out as I walked towards the stairs, her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. "And the castle in the yard! Daddy, pwease, I don't wants to go to bed yet. I'm not tired." Alisa argued, contradicting her fight by rubbing her eyes roughly before giving me her best soft innocent expression; that changed instantly to a stubborn one the moment Alisa realized I was not falling for it this time. Eighty percent of the time she has me wrapped around her little finger. But I have complete control for the last twenty percent.
Shaking my head I carried her into the bathroom. "Not tonight, Alisa. We have a busy day tomorrow and you need your sleep. No arguments," I fought, standing back to allow her to complete her night-time routine of teeth brushing and face-washing. I was given strict instructions to go find her 'jammies' while she finished up. When I came back to the bathroom she was still wearing her stubborn expression.
"Nombre de Dios," I muttered again taking a deep breath before going in for round two with my daughter. "Where is your hair brush?" I asked while I helped her put her night clothes on, that seemed to take longer than normal as she dodged me repeatedly.
"Don't know," Alisa giggled before dashing out of the bathroom, barely letting me pull her top down before she ripped herself out of my hands. Grumbling to myself again I tried very hard to not allow myself to get frustrated. But it is not easy being the sole parent. Sometimes I wish I had someone else to re-enforce my point with Alisa. Some days I feel as though I am being too hard on her because I am trying to do the job of two parents. But other days I know I am being too soft and those are the days Alisa can take unintentional advantage. Either way I am realizing that the older my beautiful little princesa gets, the more I am going to struggle alone.
The thought only brought more bitterness and anger towards her mother.
But this time, they were swiftly followed by the image of Susannah and growing warmth in my chest.
Snapping out of my round-about thoughts I followed the sounds of Alisa's voice back to her bedroom. "I don't wants to brush my hair," She cried the moment I walked into her room, from her position of jumping on her bed. Raising my eyebrow at her, she interpreted the look correctly and got down from her bed with a loud thump. She explicitly knows to not jump on her bed; which is the precise reason she did it. Crossing her arms across her chest Alisa's stubborn expression turned into severe grumpiness. "I don't want to go to bed."
"Would you like to not have a princess birthday party too? Because you are heading in the right direction, Alisa," I retorted. I felt guilty for threatening her with it the moment the words left my lips. But I could see where our evening was headed and I was certainly not in the mood to try and curb her tantrums. "This is not a game. It is past your bed time, you should be asleep by now," I coaxed, softening my voice slightly the moment I saw her eyes fill with tears. I knew she was over-tired; it is usually the cause of most of her tantrums.
"No! I don't want to," My princesa sniffled, wiping her eyes with a sleeve. I felt my heart break a little seeing her tears. I hate to be the cause of them. Crocodile tears or otherwise. But I knew I had to keep it in perspective and not back down, lest she would be running all over me in seconds!
Furrowing my brows I opened my mouth to say something. But what I heard did not come from me.
"That is the strongest, whiniest tired voice I've ever heard," Susannah mocked as she leaned against the door frame of Alisa's room, blocking the hallway light from entering her room. "And I would know, I can do a pretty good one too when I want to," Susannah continued as she raised an eyebrow at Alisa, defending me. I felt my heart thud painfully against my chest from shock and relief. Surprise that she was there and relieved that she had appeared at just the right moment. I fear I was either going to snap from my own weariness, or give in to Alisa. "Sorry I let myself in, I did knock."
"Thank you, I am very glad you are here, Susannah," I smiled down at her, squeezing her offered hand lightly. "Impeccable timing." I whispered as I leaned down to kiss her cheek softly; taking the opportunity to inhale her sweet perfume as I did so. As I pulled back I took in her glowing appearance, many different emotions warming my stomach like the beginnings of a mighty fire. The flames flickering and licking my nerves and growing with intensity the longer my eyes lingered on her. Fighting back my raging emotions I turned my attention to my most important task - my daughter.
"One last chance, Alisa," I said, not wanting to follow through with my threat of cancelling her party. I would never do that to her, but I would take away her privilege of coming to get the supplies if she carried on. She has had privileges taken away before, but simple things like no cookies after dinner, or a favorite teddy taken away for a few hours. I have never had to push it any further than that . . . yet.
Jutting her bottom lip out, Alisa dropped her crossed arms and pointed at Susannah.
"I want Sooze, to tuck me in," She sullenly whined, walking over to her bed. Her hand disappeared beneath the blanket on the end of her comforter searching around for something before she pulled her hand out with her hair brush. I mentally stored the information away for later, just in case she chose to hide things from me to prolong her not having to go to bed again. "Please, Sooze?" Her voice sweetened, any sign of stubbornness being replaced by sheer tiredness.
"Of course I will," Susannah answered before turning her back on Alisa to look up at me. "Why don't you go and make us a coffee and take a minute?" She softly asked, giving me the chance to walk away for a little why and catch my breath. Grateful she knew what I needed; I smiled my thanks and kissed the end of her nose. As I walked out of Alisa's bedroom I heard Susannah say, "Can I brush your hair before I tuck you in? You don't want to wake up with bed hair like Daddy's, do you?" She laughed.
I heard Alisa respond with, "What's bed hair?" before I slipped off down the hall, chuckling quietly to myself.
Once I reached the kitchen I put the coffee machine on before sitting down on a bar stool, sinking on to it with a heavy, tired sigh. Susannah's surprise visit could not have come at a better time. Alisa is my world and I would do anything for her, without question. But there have been days when I have been sitting alone late at night after a particularly tiring day with my daughter and wish Alisa's mother would walk back into our lives. I knew each time I thought it that it would be a big mistake, but the pain of loneliness would become so strong that it would be hard to not wish for it regardless.
But that was before Susannah had walked into our lives. Her timing then seemed to be impeccable too.
There are still nights I sit alone and ponder my life. But the lonely feeling has subsided to nothing and I no longer wish for something I do not want. Susannah has been all that I could have hoped for with Alisa and I could not have asked for a more understanding and patient lover. I know she cares deeply for Alisa; I see it each time she looks at her. I try to not wonder whether I should put some distance between the two of them - just in case. But I am also aware that what I have with Susannah is something I do not want to let go of. And if that means I have to risk the impact that has on Alisa, then I think . . . I think I am prepared for that.
This in turn leads me to question other things that I am just not ready for.
"One step at a time . . . for Alisa," I murmured to myself, shaking away the far too deep thoughts before scrubbing a rough hand down my stubbly face. I poured two mugs of coffee before heading back upstairs to Alisa's room to kiss my daughter goodnight. I could not hear any talking as I approached her room, so crept across the floor quietly - poking my head around the open door. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the dimly lit room, but they softened the moment I saw where they both were.
Alisa was curled up under her bed covers, while Susannah was laying on top of them, both facing each other and whispering softly to each other. I could see Alisa's eyes were getting heavy as she struggled to stay awake while Susannah spoke to her. An unconscious smile spread across my face as I watched Susannah reach out to lightly stroke her index finger down the bridge of Alisa's nose as she snuggled deeper into her pillow. I could see the glint of white teeth as Susannah smiled at my daughter, a wistful look upon her striking features. Pulling her hand away, Susannah placed a gently kiss to Alisa's head before gingerly rolling off her small bed to tuck her in properly.
Releasing a shaky breath I did not realize I had been holding, it made Susannah aware of my presence as she gazed down at Alisa longingly.
Keeping my gaze strictly on Alisa, I walked across the room until I reached her bedside. She rolled slightly to face me, any signs of stubborn grumpiness now gone, thankfully. "Sowwy for my tantrum, daddy. I love you." Alisa whispered, stretching her arms up to me for a hug. Bending down I took my daughter into my arms and held her tightly, hot tears prickling the backs of my eyes at her apology and love. I felt my pride swell at my daughter, the hope that I would be able to raise her single handed and hopefully do the best I can in doing so, starting to become more of a solid reality for me.
"I love you very much too, princesa. Have sweet dreams." I whispered back, reluctant to let her go as I stroked her hair. She relaxed into my arms enough for me to know she was close to sleep so I set her back in bed and tucked her in too. With one last kiss and adoring glance I left her room, pulling the door ajar.
When I finally looked up from where I stood in my hallway I locked eyes with Susannah, aware there was a fierce intensity behind them. She was staring at me; her back to the wall, hands braced either side of her. Without questioning whether it would be a good idea with Alisa sleeping in her room or not - no longer wanting to question my actions with Susannah and the repercussions they may, or may not have on Alisa - I closed the distance between us. I trapped Susannah against the wall and my chest, the feel of her soft body against mine fanning my desire for her. I had a brief chance to see the hope and surprise in her stunning emerald eyes before I dipped my head and captured her soft throbbing lips and gasp with mine. I felt her hands splay across my chest before curling into my thin t-shirt, pulling me close enough to press the hard length of my body to hers.
I felt crazed and over-come with so much emotion and passion, the more deeply I kissed Susannah, the more the feelings grew. I knew where they had been sparked from; they had appeared the moment I saw my querida staring down at my daughter with such longing and love. It formed a picture in my mind that made me want to shower the beautiful woman in my arms with affection and devotion. I wanted Susannah to feel the intensity of my emotions for her and all she is and has done for me. She has kindled something so feral and dormant inside me, I feel as though I will fly apart if I do not act upon it.
Breathlessly breaking our kiss I leaned my head down to rest on Susannah's, her eyes danced with a frenzy mirrored in mine. Quickly lifting her up into my arms I carried Susannah down the hall to my bedroom and softly laid her down on my bed. "Querida," I whispered to her gently before leaning down to kiss her again, but softer and more tenderly. Carefully I undressed her before undressing myself. My eyes wandered over her soft perfect body, my hands trailing wherever they wanted to. Her heavy lidded eyes were cloudy with need and wanting, spurring me to move atop of her, settling myself between her legs. "You are so beautiful." I murmured, sealing my words with a deep kiss.
I made love to Susannah with all the agonizing depth I felt I would fall apart from. With such a need that it left us both exhausted and sated long after.
"Jesse?" Susannah sleepily questioned me where she laid half across my bare chest.
"Yes, querida?" I just as quietly replied.
"I . . ." She started before trailing off. "I think I'm in big trouble . . ."
Staring up at the ceiling of my room, my hand lazily stroked up and down her bare back, the intense passion from earlier lulling subdued beneath the surface for now. I felt Susannah's breathing tell me she had fallen asleep almost instantly after declaring her trouble to me.
"Me too," I sighed back, kissing the top of her silky auburn hair. "Me too."