I feel like I've been really MIA for the past few weeks, and I'm super sorry. I had midterms and then a bunch of crap and then...a lot of shit! I'm sorry :(. I'm figuring everything out for next year and such (where I'm going to a performing arts school for ice skating!) so stay with me. I'm reeeeeallly sorry though.
I slowly open my eyes and blink hard, grasping my stomach and groaning, I stuff my face in the pillow. Oliver's laying next to me motionless. Probably in a deep, easy sleep. Why does he always sleep so easily? If he's tired he sleeps. Simple as that. It doesn't work with me. This whole...pregnant thing has been drilled into my head so much that I've hardly slept in the past two days. Last night wasn't any different, I just ended up cradling Cae until she fell asleep, then waking her up again because I was bored. I know...I'm a horrible mom. But whatever, is it really my fault that Oliver can ignore everything and act like we're part of a stupid fairytale when I actually face the cold, hard reality that is life? No, it is not. I glance over at the window of the tour bus and see the road flying by. Apparently, that itself is enough to make me sick, ugh, goooooood morning. Nothing is better than waking up in the middle of nowhere then puking your guts out in the tiny bathroom.
I rush to the bathroom, leaning over the sink and throwing up forcefully, grasping on the sides of the sink. I swallow hard once I'm finished, wiping the sides of my mouth. Throwing up is so nasty.
"Well good morning." Miley leans against the frame of the door, smirking.
"Oh, hey!" I smile at her. Hopefully she ignores the fact that there's vomit in the sink and I'm currently holding a bottle of Listerine.
We share awkward smiles and I close the door with my foot, clenching a Dixie cup in my teeth and rinsing with mouth wash.
"You suck at hiding things!" Miley calls in a sing song voice.
Some mouth wash dribbles on my chin as I whip the door open and stare at her widemouthed.
"What?" She smiles sweetly and skips down the narrow hall.
"You know!" I yell, stopping abruptly so Robby Ray doesn't hear. (What am I kidding? He's asleep. Obviously all men ever do is sleep.)
Miley just shrugs and starts playing the 3D skiing video game.
"Why are you acting like this is a joke?" I murmur. "It isn't a joke."
She suppresses a laugh with her hand. "But...it kind of is."
"You think me getting pregnant again is...funny?" I hiss with anger.
This time she turns to me with a horrified, surprised look. "What? I thought you were...oh my god."
I shudder. So she...didn't know.
"How? How could you let that happen?"
I reply quickly. "I-I don't know! We just didn't think."
"Do you ever think?"
"Yes! We were just-"
Miley interrupts me, rolling her eyes. "God, does your relationship even exist on anything other than sex anymore?"
"Of course it does! Just because sometimes we choose to-"
"Morning Lilly, Miley!" Oliver walks down the hall, gripping the side of the wall for support. He's all happy, holding Caelyn, who seems to be happy too.
He kisses my forehead, oblivious that me and Miley are pissed and seconds ago, we were screaming at each other.
"You know what I was thinking, Lils?"
"What?" I say, slightly annoyed. "What were you thinking?"
He grins. "We're gonna try so much harder this time!" He rests his hand on my stomach and I quickly pull it away, but he doesn't seem to care and keeps talking. "We need to do it right. Just like the average...married couple. You know, do things like go to Babies R' Us and pick out the name before the kid is born. We don't have to be miserable about it either, we can actually be happy!" He smiles so hard at me, it's hard not to at least slightly smile back.
"Aw, Ollie-Pop. I love that idea." I hug him from the side and grin. "You're the best." I whisper, pecking his nose.
My mood automatically goes from extremely upset to bubbly and happy.
"I wuv you." He says in a baby voice.
"Aw, I wuv yooooooou, too."
"And I wuv our beautiful family! Right Caelyn?" Ollie raises Caelyn up to the air and she grins her tiny smile.
I glance at Miley, her arms are snug around her chest and she looks annoyed. "Can you just explain to me how you could be this dumb?" She mumbles through clenched teeth.
Both mine and Oliver's eyes shoot up. "What?"
She shakes her head. "Y'all are all happy and in love and in this 'yay, life is perfect!' mood. But we all know what's gonna happen? Deep inside, you both know. I know."
"I have no idea what you're talking about..." Oliver says, holding Cae close to his chest.
"You're gonna get in some huge fight. Probably about something really, really dumb. Then you're gonna divorce or at least temporarily break up. Sure, at some point you'll get back together, but it'll be fake for awhile. Maybe you'll get back to the way you used to be, maybe you won't. But by the time you do, you'll be having another fight. Another stupid, worthless fight." She smirks. "Sound familiar?"
"Just because that happened before doesn't mean it's gonna happen again. I love her. I love her more than anything in the world. I love both of them." Oliver pauses to touch my stomach. "All three of them."
"If you two were actually in love you wouldn't waste your time breaking up and then getting back together so often!" Miley grinds her teeth.
"You need to- Wait...you don't think we're in love?"
"If anyone is in love, it's me and Lilly! Why are we even having this conversation?" Oliver smugly replies. I smile at him, that's my guy.
"Love doesn't exist."
Oliver and I both have matching confused expressions on our face. "What are you talking about? Honey, you need something to drink." I answer to her stupid comment, patting her head sar
"Just because Jake...betrayed you doesn't mean love doesn't exist." Oliver mumbles. "You'll find someone." He pats her shoulder.
She wipes her shoulder like there's some kind of poison on it. "But I won't. I can't trust anyone! I'll never be able to trust anyone!" Miley breaks down, putting her head in her hands and crying softly.
"Miley-"
She shuts her eyes tightly. "Please. Just get off my bus. I'm tired of you being so happy in front of me. As if I'm not already broken enough." Her voice is a monotone, it doesn't even sound like her.
"Miles," I signal for Oliver to leave the room and he shrugs, walking down the narrow hallway.
I sit next to Miley and sigh. "Jake was a douche. You know that, everyone in the world knows that. He's nothing."
"I-I-I was in love with him. He ruined me, and I'm still in love with him. How messed up is that?"
"You're not in love with him, you're in love with the thought of actually being in love."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Miley asked eagerly, as if I was a therapist.
"You just want someone. But you're lucky, you're still young."
"So are you." She answers, looking at me as if that response was completely illogical.
"Hardly. I rushed into everything, and now I can't go back. Ever. I'll never, ever be able to go back."
Miley pulls her legs up to her chest. "I know."
Wait, earlier when Miley was talking about how she's annoyed with Oliver and I as a couple, she meant it. Maybe she didn't mean all of it, but she meant a good part of it. Which mean we were contributing to stress in her life.
"God, I'm so sorry."
She looks up, obviously startled. "Why?"
I'm not completely sure how to answer this. Using common sense, I don't think 'I'm sorry that me and Oliver are just so damn cute together' is a good answer.
"I'm sorry that me and Oliver act like we do. Especially around me."
Miley shakes her head. "Just forget about it. Really."
"But-" I interject.
"Y'all are my best friends. I like watching you two in love."
I nod and try to smile at her. She is my best friend, and I can't remember the last time we had a talk like this. Especially about Jake. We usually avoid his name in everything, never using the word rape around her, sometimes not even mentioning t.v shows or zombies cause it reminds her of him. I guess people always think they don't want to talk about it, that it just brings back the memories of the bad experience, but in reality, she does want to talk about it. The memories are bound to hit her at some point, so why not tell someone? I was probably a horrible best friend for not talking to her about him. For not sitting her down and begging her to tell me what's on her mind. She's still pale and thin and gaunt. She's still weak and she'll probably always be broken. So why didn't I talk to her?
"I'm sorry I never talked to you about Jake. I can't even imagine what I would feel if that happened to me. It-it sucks."
"You don't need to-Well...yeah. It did suck."
"He never deserved you."
"I know."
"He was always a douche. He cheated on you, and he was never actually fully there for you. I should of told you I didn't like him from the start, then maybe we would have never had this problem."
"Lils, don't blame yourself. But thanks." She reaches up to hug me. "Thanks for always being there for me. Now go spend time with your guy." Miley's eyes are half filled with tears but she looks happy enough.
I smile at her as I walk back to our room in the bus.
Oliver's eyes look glassy and he looks completely out of it and worried.
"Oliver?"
His eyes widen at the sight of me. "Lils." he whispers.
"What's wrong?"
"Uh, well...your mom called me a couple times, you know, cause you didn't answer."
"...Yeah?" I wince. Anything that involves my mom calling can not be good. Especially if she was calling Oliver as a last resort. What would be that important that she needed to call him instead of just leaving my a voicemail?
"Lilly," he softly says my name and pats the place next to him on the bed.
My heart starts beating faster and my vision is blurred. Why is he doing this so slowly? Oh my god, something bad must have happened. Something really, really bad.
"Lils, I love you so much, just remember that."
"What? I-I know. I love you, too. Tell me the truth, what happened?"
"I don't be the one to tell you this." He sympathetically rests his hand on my knee.
"Just tell me." I whisper. I'm not sure why. Do I really want to know? What if it's something horrible, something that will make me sob uncontrollably, something that will change my life forever?
"Lils, y-your grandma died."