And Then There Were Two
Chapter Twenty-Five
Little girls dream of weddings. Even the ones that grow up and never get the chance, even the ones that grow up and swear off men and dating. They dream of weddings too. Little girls are born to love frills and bows, pink ribbons and lace. Or at least, most of them are. We all have to admit, there are those that are different. There are those girls that would rather climb a tree or go fishing. For the most part though, girls are girls. Girls think about who they want to marry. They imagine their wedding day, down to the smallest detail. The problem is, when we aren't that girl, when we're not the type of girl that wants to sit down and spend three hours looking at flowers and cakes, we have a problem. If we're not that girl, it's hard to have the right kind of wedding. If we aren't the type of girl that loves to look at ribbons and lace, we end up with a post-it. And that's okay. It's okay, until it isn't. And when it isn't, we have to figure out a way to make it okay.
"Pregnant? McGirlfriend is pregnant?" Cristina peeked around her chart, looking over at Lexie who was standing at the nurses desk, not bothering to hide the look of surprise on her face.
"Okay, you probably shouldn't say that. I mean, not so loudly." Meredith laughed anyway. "Lexie might not be too happy."
"So then, it's a secret?" Cristina rolled her eyes, jotting down a few things on her chart. "I don't think it can be a secret. Not if she told you."
"Yeah, but she didn't exactly stand in the middle of the hospital an announce it."
"Look, " Cristina put her charts down again. "I don't think she gets to keep it a secret. Not anymore. I mean, you can tell. If you look, when she leans against the counter." She pointed out. "You can see it. So if people know, that's not my fault. I mean, she can't prove it was me who said anything."
"Why are you so mad about it, anyway? I mean, I thought you and Lexie got along."
"We did. We did until she went and got pregnant and acted like it was okay. It isn't okay. It isn't okay because she's all having the baby of Mc.."
"Cristina," Meredith shook her head. "I'm not upset about it. I mean, I was. I was upset about it, when she told me. I may have cried, a lot. But, Derek and I, we're getting our wedding. In four weeks, we're getting our wedding. So it's okay. It's fine."
"See!" Cristina pointed a finger at her. "See, I knew it. Fine. You said it was fine."
"I," Meredith made a face. "Yeah, I said fine, but I meant, good. It's good. I mean, I'm okay. We're okay. And you should be too. Because I need you. I need you to be all supportive."
"Of the wedding? Or the baby, making. Or, the McGirlfriend being pregnant?"
"All of it. But, the wedding. Mostly the wedding. Because the wedding is first. So..."
"So, am I supposed to be all happy and giggly? Or just sort of, quiet? And, I could smile, every now and then. Because I think Lexie has the happy and giggly taken care of. I mean, I could be the..."
"Cristina." Meredith laughed as her pager went off. "I have to go."
"You should make me a list. A list would be good. A list of things I'm supposed to do. Because I want to be supportive wedding person."
"You don't need a list. You were supportive wedding person before, remember?" Meredith simply smiled and shook her head as she walked off down the hallway to Derek's office.
"You paged?"
"I paged," Derek smiled and got up from where he'd been sitting behind his desk. "Wanted to see my wife."
"You wanted to see me? Thats it?" Meredith laughed a little, though she was happy when he slid his arms around her waist and kissed her. "You know, you should stop calling me your wife. Otherwise when we really do get married, it won't be any fun. And it's a really good wedding, I mean, according to Lexie. So I'm thinking that it should be fun. And real. I mean, we should change then. You could call me your wife then."
"Okay." Derek laughed, running his fingers through his hair as he looked down at her. "Post-it note wife, then?"
"Fiance, maybe? Just for four weeks?"
He wouldn't go for it though, and Derek simply shook his head. "You're my wife, Mer. If you just want me to leave out the wife part some, though, I will. But you aren't just my fiance."
"You're so stubborn." Meredith made a face. "I have a very stubborn post-it-note husband."
"I've never heard you complain before." Derek smiled.
"Doesn't mean it isn't true." She pointed out. "I told Cristina, about Lexie."
"She didn't know already?" A look of surprise settled on his face.
"Lexie didn't want to tell anyone."
"You can tell."
"So you've been looking?" Meredith laughed, shaking her head.
Derek smiled, shaking his head at her as well. "I haven't been looking, Mer. But Lexie's four and a half months pregnant. It isn't difficult to see. When you were that far along..."
The smile on her face faded, and she looked down for a moment before glancing back up at him. "I guess she just wanted to let people figure it out." The tone of voice that had been bright and cheerful before was suddenly soft and lost in thought.
"Mer," Derek sighed, taking her hand. "We're going to get our chance, to have another baby. We can't ever replace Grayson, but we can try again, for another baby."
"I was going to take a test."
"A, pregnancy, test?" He stared at her for a moment, completely taken back by what she was saying. For a moment, he wasn't even sure he'd heard her correctly.
"Well, I had one. From the last time. I had a couple of them that I never used. So I figured..."
"Are you late? I mean, do you think..." Even still, he was trying to piece together what she was saying, and why she was saying it. To his knowledge, there wasn't any evidence that she was pregnant. They'd only been actively trying for four weeks. It wasn't that she couldn't have become pregnant when she was still on the birth control, he just doubted she had.
"Not exactly late. I mean, by one day. But that's not really...late. I just..." She hesitated. His hesitancy started to make her realize how foolish it seemed to take a test when there were really no symptoms to back it up.
"Mer."
"I just thought, that maybe..." She sighed. "It was stupid. You're right."
"I didn't say that," He shook his head. "If you want to take a pregnancy test, Meredith, you should take it. I just don't want you getting your hopes up. I mean, if you take the test and you aren't pregnant."
"I don't have to take it. I should just wait."
"You should take it if you want to." He repeated, hating that he'd upset her. "Whatever happens, Mer, I love you. I love you, no matter what." If he was willing to admit the truth, Derek wasn't sure he was ready. The thought of it terrified him. He couldn't lose another baby, and he couldn't watch his wife go through that again. Part of him hoped she was wrong.
"I'm fine." She smiled a bit, looking back up at him. "I love you too, Derek."
He glanced at the clock. "I've got a surgery, but I'll see you home tonight."
"Tonight, what time?"
"Depends on how my post-ops go. I'm hoping I'll make it back around seven, but it could be later than that. You're off a lot earlier than I am though, right?"
"Yeah, five. But I'll just fix dinner or something. That way we can eat when you get home." She headed out of his office, not wanting to make him late.
"I'll see you tonight, Mer." Derek sighed as she walked out and closed the door to his office. He was worried about her. Even though it was nice to see her happy and excited about something again, he was worried that she would be heartbroken if pregnancy tests started coming back negative, especially with Lexie's news.
** GA ** GA ** GA **
Meredith usually spent her days at Seattle Grace hoping to stay late. It was easier that way, to keep busy. When she was working, she didn't have to be in their huge custom-built house alone. When she was working she didn't have time to sit at home and think about everything that had happened over the last year of their lives. It was just easier, to focus on work. It was easier, to focus on patients. She was happy that evening though, to be able to get home on time.
Being home a couple of hours before Derek gave her time to take the pregnancy test that was tucked away in the back of their bathroom cabinet, despite Derek's hesitancy earlier in the day, and despite how nervous he had made her to even attempt it. She wanted to know, though, even if there was a chance she would be disappointed. One day late or seven days late, her desire to have a baby greatly outweighed the odds that were stacked against her.
Her wishes didn't stop her from being nervous though, and her hands were shaking as she sat the test stick down on the bathroom counter. Seconds seemed to turn into years as she sat down on the side of the tub, nervously fidgeting. Part of her wished she'd waited. Part of her wished she'd taken Derek's advice. The last thing either of them needed was heartbreak over a failed pregnancy test, but there was no turning back. She'd peed on the stick. She'd mentioned it to Derek. You can't take that back, right? Even if you want to, once you pee on the stick, you cant take that back. But I don't have to look at it. I could just throw it away and not look at it. Suddenly the idea dawned on her, and she quickly got up, picking the test stick up from the counter.
Before she could toss it into the garbage can, though, the letters printed across the window caught her attention. P-r-e-g-n-a-n-t. Meredith stood there, staring at the test with wide and already tear-filled eyes. For a moment, she was sure she was seeing things. She even went as far as to shake the stick a little, blink a couple of times, then look back at it. The word was still there though, just as clear as it had been when she'd taken the test with her first pregnancy. Still, it was slow to sink in, and Meredith Grey found herself slowly sinking to the floor against the wall as tears stained her shirt. All of the pain and heartache of the past year flooded back in one sweeping motion, and for the first time in a long while she found herself sobbing there on the bathroom floor, clinging to the tiny plastic stick that she prayed would change her life. A part of herself she had buried began to wonder if her desire to try again was even healthy. She wondered if the most broken and messed up part of her thought this would lessen the pain of losing her son. This baby could never replace Grayson. She wanted that pain to stop, but she knew it would last forever, even if they had twenty more babies.
When she finally pulled herself together enough to stop her shaking hands and her free-falling tears, Meredith slowly got up from the bathroom floor and tucked the positive pregnancy test into the drawer where she kept her hairbrush. Derek would want to see it. She was sure of that, but she didn't want to do the whole cheesy pull-out-the stick trick. After all they had been through, and after losing their son in such a tragic accident, she wanted something more intimate.
Despite her first instinct to grab the phone and blab the news immediately, she took a few slow deep breaths and went downstairs to the kitchen. She'd promised him that she'd have dinner on the table when he got home, and she didn't want to back out on that. Still, as she started preparing the food she couldn't help the emotions that were seemingly uncontrollable. Tears still fell, and every now and then she wiped a few away, alternating between complete elation and sheer terror. She began to regret trying so soon. Her first pregnancy had seemed good too, until it wasn't. The memories of contracting early and being in the hospital fighting for her unborn baby were fresh, and she knew it was all too easy for her to miscarry. Miscarriage seemed like such an easy thing though, when she thought about how they'd lost Grayson. Having a thirty-one week baby who was stillborn was a heck of a lot more painful, in her mind, and so there was fear. There was fear about a million things.
It wasn't that Meredith wasn't happy. She was. She was thrilled, beyond belief. But she was also scared. She was scared that things were going to repeat themselves, that a frantic call to Addison Montgomery was just weeks away, that she'd soon be on bedrest fighting for a pregnancy she so desperately wanted, and needed. She was scared to get in a car. Scared that this baby would suffer the same fate. Meredith wanted Derek. She wanted Derek to stand in front of her and tell her it was going to be okay. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and promise her that he was going to keep her and their baby safe. Meredith realized, in that moment, standing there in the kitchen at the stove, that she wasn't sure if she was ready. She wasn't sure if she was ready to be pregnant again, to deal with the reality of what that meant and the emotions and memories that came with it. There was no turning back though, and she knew it. A positive test was a positive test, and she had one.
Eventually, she did pick up the phone. When dinner was in the oven and she had a moment to sit down and process everything, she picked up the phone. The number she dialed wasn't her husband's, though. It wasn't Cristina. The person Meredith called was someone she never expected to become close with, but someone she now realized she considered to be a friend.
"Addison, it's Meredith." Relief washed over her when she heard the woman's voice pick up after just a couple of rings.
** GA ** GA ** GA **
That night was a lucky break for everyone. Despite the fact that it was rare he left sooner than three hours after his shift was scheduled to end, Derek walked in the door at almost seven o'clock on the dot, smiling when he smelled the food that was sitting in the oven waiting for them to eat. "Dinner smells good," His smile grew when he saw his wife sitting on the couch, and he tossed his lab coat onto a chair before sitting down with her.
Meredith scrunched up her face, looking over at the wad of white fabric laying in the chair. "That's disgusting, you know. There's no telling what's on our chair now."
"I guess the same goes for our couch too," Derek pointed out, looking down at his pants.
"You're probably right," She considered what he said, then sort of just sat there for a moment, frozen. A million thoughts were running through her mind.
"Mer?" Derek could tell right away that something was going on, that something wasn't right with her. It didn't make sense right away, even as he ran through his mind to try and figure it out. Then it hit him. The pregnancy test. She mentioned taking a test. He sighed and reached over, taking her hand. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." She forced a smile on her face, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest as she held onto his hand. More than anything, she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him that they were having a baby together, but the words were stuck. The words were stuck, locked away somewhere in the back of her mind.
"Talk to me." He spoke gently to her, not wanting to come straight out and ask her. Derek knew Meredith well enough to know there was no point in pushing her, that she would come to him when she was ready. That didn't stop him from hoping she would open up though.
She drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she looked down at their hands. "There's something I have to tell you."
Her voice was so quiet that he could barely hear her, and Derek suddenly found himself confused. What he thought he knew, he was no longer sure of. "Okay." Even he was hesitant then, a bit concerned at what she had to say.
"I, I don't, I..." Meredith finally lifted her eyes to look at him, though she didn't say anything else.
"Mer." Derek gently brushed his thumb across her hand, glad that she was at least looking at him. "It's okay. Whatever it is, we'll be okay."
"I know, I know we will be. And really, I'm fine. We're fine." A soft smile spread across her lips and she kissed him before she got up, heading to the kitchen. "We should eat. I made some kind of taco casserole. Your mom left the recipe when she came last time."
"You made my mom's taco casserole?" Derek almost laughed at his surprise, and he followed her into the kitchen. Even though he wanted desperately to stop her and demand she talk to him, he let it go. The woman he loved spooked easily. He knew that, and he didn't want to freak her out, especially if something was bothering her.
"It's going to be good." Meredith declared, serving them each a piece on their plates.
"I'm sure it will be perfect. Not like my moms, but..."
"That, was rude." Meredith made a face, though it was all in fun. She made no mention of anything as they sat there eating, though she did talk a bit here and there about work or whatever it was that he brought up in conversation. It was awkward, sitting there with he news on the tip of her tongue. For whatever reason though, she couldn't bring herself to tell him about the test, perhaps because she was still taking the time for it to all sink in.
It wasn't until they were laying in bed that night, wrapped up in each other's arms, that she finally gathered the courage she needed to tell Derek the truth. "I took a pregnancy test when I got home tonight."
Derek had been preparing himself for it, but despite knowing it was coming, he was still a little taken off-guard by her words, and it took him a minute to figure out the best way to respond. Luckily, he didn't have to. Meredith spoke up again before he had a chance to say anything.
"It was positive."
"What?" Derek, in that moment, could have sworn that his heart stopped beating for a second. Then, it was racing. His heart was racing and his chest was tight as her words sunk in. Had he heard her right? Were they really expecting a baby? "Meredith."
She could hear the shakiness in his voice, and she laced her fingers in his, her head still resting on his chest. "I'm pregnant, Derek."
"Are you sure?"
Despite the emotions that were running high, Meredith actually giggled a bit. She giggled, like a schoolgirl. "I'm sure. It must have happened before we started trying. That's what Addison thinks. Because the test result came back pretty fast, so she's assuming my levels of..."
"You called Addison?" He cut her off, still trying to take in everything. It wasn't easy for him, either, to hear the news. He was thrilled, thrilled enough to shout his news from their roof, but it was the same web of thoughts she'd dealt with. So it took him a minute, to pull everything together.
"Yeah. I just, I needed someone to talk to. And I was freaking out."
"Meredith." Derek finally shifted so that he could look at her through tear-filled eyes.
"I'm scared, Derek."
"We're going to do this together, Mer. And we're going to get our baby. At the end of this, we're going to have a baby." He placed his hand on her cheek.
Seeing his tears only allowed her own emotions to fall apart, and she managed a small smile when he wiped her tears away. "You don't know that."
"I do." Derek spoke firmly. "I do know that, Meredith. I don't want you to be scared. This is going to be okay. This is good. You're good. This baby, we're going to have this baby. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure that you and this baby are safe." Despite his tears, there was unmistakeable joy in his eyes. Derek was truly elated. He was overjoyed, and completely terrified. He needed this to go right. It had to go right this time.
And his wife was over the moon, despite her fear. "We're having a baby." Her words were a whisper, and there was finally a genuine smile on her face, one that showed just how truly thrilled she was.
For the next few minutes they sat there, wrapped in each other's arms, enjoying the peace and happiness that was finally breaking apart the heartache and tragedy that they had endured. Everything was finally falling into place for the two of them. Fear was still there, and anything was possible, but for the moment they felt hopeful that they were finally going to get the chance to hold a baby in their arms, to have the things that they both so desperately wanted. The tricky part was holding it all together, escaping more pain. There were no guarantees that tragedy wouldn't strike again, but just for one night, they allowed themselves to be happy, to have joy. The rest would have to wait.
I hope that you guys liked this chapter! PLEASE review and let me know what you think! Things will be wrapping up in the next two chapters and will continue in the sequel.
*Revised 6/2017