Guardian Blues - DPOV
A/N: Dimitri's POV for the Guardian Blues short (chapter 23). Even as I was writing RPOV, this was practically writing itself in my head along the way. Hope you enjoy. R&R!
Reminder: Takes place before the lust charm. Rose and Dimitri talk about the woes of guardianship.
Mmhm. Roza. My Roza. As I had my hand in her hair, her locks spilling through my fingers, I pulled her closer to me. Our lips almost touching.
And then… my alarm went off. Damn it. I was dreaming of her. And not for the first time. This had to stop. It was bad enough that Rose was consuming my every waking thought, but now she had invaded my dreams as well. If I keep thinking about her that way I may have to stop being her mentor before I do something stupid. The only reason I haven't quit yet is because she needs me. It isn't fair to her if I quit. She shouldn't be punished when she hasn't done anything wrong.
Guess I was going to start another day with a cold shower. I hated mornings like these. Worse than the guilt of fantasizing about my underaged student was the guilt that I may one day fail my charge because of it. With their bond, Rose is the ideal choice to guard Vasilisa when they graduate. I need to get my shit together before Rose and I became guarding partners.
"You're late again", I told Rose as she strolled into the gym. I wasn't even surprised anymore by her tardiness. It was a given.
"Sorry Comrade." She yawned. "Rough night".
Rough night? I raised an eyebrow in question and wondered if I really wanted to know what that means.
"I didn't do anything that could get me in trouble, I swear!". Thank god, I thought. "I just didn't sleep well. At all." I'd noticed the dark circle under her eyes were more defined than usual.
"Do you want to talk about it?" When I was met with silence I tried to encourage her. "It might help". I practically begged her with my eyes to tell me what was the matter, needing desperately to know what was wrong and how I could fix it.
"It's just weird dreams that keep me tossing and turning all night." You and me both. "Dreams that I wake up from with the daunting realization that I'm going to die alone. Well, technically we all die alone," clever girl, "but I'm going to die lonely, without love."
Out of all the things I thought might be going on in her mind, I never thought this was it. How she could ever think she wasn't loved was beyond me. "Don't get me wrong, I love Lissa. I'd give up my life for her in a heartbeat. I'd die before I'd let anything happen to her." I cringed on the inside, never wanting to imagine a still, lifeless Roza. She continued without knowing how uneasy her words had made me, "I have no regrets about that. But I also have no illusions about what that kind of lifestyle will cost me. I never wanted any other companionship aside from Lissa but lately I find myself craving something more. Sometimes I feel lonely, like I'll never have that. I know most people think that dhampirs having romantic ties is absurd or wasteful, but even my mom had my dad, if only for a short while. I just want to be loved. Once. Ever in my life". Though she was trying to hide it, I could see how much this truly pained her. And that pained me. She was growing up and with that came the knowledge that guardians don't get the fairytale ending. I handed her a bottle of water thinking it would calm her nerves and took a swig of my own. "I'm sorry, that was a really long speech just to say I'm gonna die alone. But worse than that is I'm gonna die a virgin".
Oh. God. I sprayed water uncontrollably from my mouth. Did she actually just say that? My mind immediately went to places it shouldn't have gone. All the feelings that assaulted me in my dreams seemed to attack me all at once and were oddly intensified by Rose's admission. I knew this was bad. This knowledge would only make my sordid fantasies worse. I disgusted myself and at the same time wanted her all the more. Trying to keep calm and not let on how her words effected me, aside from the water mishap, I toweled and took a deep breath. Going back on topic I told Rose "I'm not sure I'm the right person to be talking to about this. I mean, I accepted that I'd be alone a long time ago." She was way to young and to full of life to know the truth - that she was most likely right. I didn't have it in me to admit that. I was never in a real relationship for exactly that reason. Sometimes it was easier being alone.
"At least you're not going to die a virgin", she snorted. Again my mind wondered to dark places. Dark because it was so unprofessional, wrong even, not because of Rose. She brought light into my life.
"No, but I doubt you will either." Don't you dare volunteer, Belikov, I chastised myself. "Rose, you're young and smart and strong and beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to…" What the hell was I going to say? fuck you? have sex with you? sleep with you? make love to you? No, I couldn't say any of those. They were all true (the guy she chose would be lucky), but not a one of them was professional to say out loud. Plus the thought of her with someone else made me want to punch a hole in the wall. "…share his life with you. Besides, sex isn't everything." I was trying very hard to keep my cool facade. Internally I was praying this conversation would end soon, preferably before I start to picture all the things I wanted to do with this poor unsuspected girl.
"It's not about sex. I want to be held in the most intimate of ways." Now you're just putting images in my head, stop torturing me, please! "I want to fall in love and to have someone love me back. God, that sounded so fucking girly!"
I wanted to promise her that everything was going to be alright and that that would happen for her with someone who deserves her, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. Partly because she'd think I was patronizing her, but mainly because when I pictured her with someone, that someone was always me. "That's not girly at all, I think that at the end of the day everyone wants that".
"Do you?" She asked me innocently.
She was holding my gaze with her big doe eye, begging for an answer. "Yes", I told her truthfully. If she were moroi I'd swear she was compelling me. "More often than not, the life a guardian is lonely". I would do anything to spare Rose this knowledge just a little longer, but she had a right to know. She still had time to change her mind and choose a different fate, though I knew she never would.
"How do you deal?" Rose asked me. Telling her about the cold showers wouldn't do either of us any good. Beside, that's probably not what she meant anyway.
"I just do", there would never be a way to explain what it's like or how to really cope until you live it.
"Maybe it's an older and wiser thing. Chalk it up to more life experience", she seemed irritated. Besides I'm not that old, or put together either. Guarding at the academy gives me structure. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have that and a charge.
"Maybe", I answered.
"But you're not that old, Grandpa." Gee, thanks. "Maybe I'm giving this whole being in love thing too much credit. Maybe it's not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
"Maybe", I answered, wishing I had better advice for her. In all honesty, I wouldn't know.
"Hey comrade, have you ever been in love?"
How was I supposed to answer that? I'd never fallen for a girl in the past. But the day I met Rose it was as if my life turned upside down. "Not really". It wasn't a total lie.
"Then you don't know what you're missing out on either", she speculated.
"I guess not". She had no idea why I was the absolute worse person she could ask that.
"So any idea where I can find this hypothetical lucky guy to share my… life with?" The little vixen smirked at her choice of words, mimicking mine.
"This school is full of guys", I stated the obvious. I doubt there was even one in the whole lot that would turn down Rose. The male populous at the Academy would bow at her feet if she'd ask them to. Myself included.
"No this school is full of boys." She emphasized the word boys, like it was a bad thing. "To quote Sheryl Crow I doubt there's even one who is strong enough to be my man." I suppressed a smile at her song selection and groaned internally, thinking I'm a man. Knock it off Belikov, before you say something stupid!
"What about Mason?" Stupid like that.
"He and I are just friends".
I remembered all the times I'd caught Mason staring at Rose. It was a look of adoration. His heart was true, unlike most boys at this school who just ogled her and drooled. "He doesn't look at you like just a friend. And he seems like a good guy. Like he'd be good to you". Why, oh why, am I doing this? I'm pushing her in some one else's direction? Because it' the right thing to do, a voice in the back of my head said. Rose deserved to be treated right. Mason seemed to fit the bill.
"I know. But I just don't see him that way. I wish I did. Life would be easier if I did".
"So there's someone else who's strong enough to be your man?" I smiled as I too quoted Sheryl Crow. If there was some one else I'd needed to make sure he was worthy of her.
"He's definitely strong enough. But I have zero chance with this guy".
Unlikely. She looked upset, but confident that her and this fellow wouldn't work. "Then he's a fool". The thought of someone making my wild girl sad made me mad. Who in their right mind would ever give her up? You, there was that pesky voice again.
"You wouldn't say that if you knew who it was". Which of course made me want to know more. After a long while she asked, "Do you really think I'm beautiful?"
I stared incredulously at first. Taking in her features, I couldn't take my eyes off of her, her heart shaped face, her bow lips, her silky hair, her big brown eyes that reminded me of Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl every time she gazed at me like that. With her tan complexion she looked like an exotic princess. She was more beautiful than words and I suddenly felt like I was looking at the sun, blinded temporarily by her sheer beauty, I broke my gaze. "Come Rose, you know you're gorgeous". It was almost a whisper, but there was no doubt she heard me. It was wrong on so many levels, but it was the god's honest truth.
"I'm sorry I can't help you", I said, regretting I ever opened my big mouth.
"You listened. That helps. You made me feel less alone".
The following words just flew out of my mouth, with no conscious thought. "You make me feel less alone too". It was too easy to admit that to her. Saying things like that is going to get both of us in trouble.
"We still have time for some running". She didn't want to waste the time she could be practicing. That just made her more incredible in my eyes.
"I know it might not seem like it but you can come to me with anything. Always." I wanted, nay, I needed her to trust me and be open with me. I wanted her to count on me. One day, I'd try to do the same for her.
"Same to you Comrade". She smiled. God, her smile was worth getting up for in the morning.
I couldn't help but smile back. We started training shortly after.