Chapter 25
Returning
"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours.
And if they don't, they never were."
-Khalil Gibran
The end of a case, however dangerous, bloody or full of despair, always left the BAU team in a state of giddy relief. The crushing urgency suddenly lifted and, like laughter after a scare, they all found themselves jovial in their exhaustion.
"Seriously, I got the hospital footage," Garcia held the entire table's amused attention, "It was like something in one of Gideon's old Chaplin films. She straightens up, tells the nurse she's fine and just keels over backward."
"So now you've got injuries on the front and back of your head." Morgan teased the long-suffering Prentiss.
"You know how I like to be balanced." Emily shrugged back, her smirk the only comfortable expression since anything bigger made her cheek throb.
"Backward is really the only option for falling when losing consciousness. The brain loses control of the muscles. Knees are usually the first joint to bend under the unsupported body weight and since they only move in one direction it's inevitable that a person falls back. The spine would also curve, however, so it's far more likely that she didn't actually 'keel' so much as collapse." Reid postulated. His next diatribe would surely be on the use of a word like 'keel' and how it could relate to human movement.
"I'm sure you did it with all your usual grace." Rossi interjected before Spencer could keep talking.
"Right, a graceful collapse," Emily rolled her eyes, "I can't believe I forgot to dramatically throw my arm across my forehead and whimper as I fainted."
The teasing jibes were a long standing ritual. Humor was the whole team's way of accepting negative events; it allowed them to absorb what had happened and put it in perspective. Some things were too big for jokes and that reality was what made it so comforting to laugh about the smaller stuff.
When Hotch and Rossi had finally finished wrapping up Alex Rochester's final crime scene, they'd summoned everyone back to the conference room. A lot of paperwork was involved in closing out a case. Hotchner had offered to exempt Emily, allowing her the option of staying at the hospital or even returning to her room to rest but the brunette had been adamant. She'd started this whole damn business and she was going to see it through to the end. Besides, JJ had made it very clear she wasn't letting Emily out of her sight (because of the danger of the concussion of course, not at all because she couldn't bear the thought of being separated right now) and Prentiss wasn't going to cost the team two agents.
Finishing their dealings with the locals, dismantling the control center and returning it to simply a conference room, convincing Garcia to restore the hotel's former ("illegitimate offspring of a troglodyte and Ned Ludd") network structure; all of it took time. Hotch had already foreseen the delays as well as his team's weariness and decided they would fly back in the morning. They needed a night to rest and process. They also needed a moment of reward. That was why, when Garcia announced that she absolutely wasn't using her free night in New York City to go to bed early, it was easily agreed that everyone wanted to do something more.
No one had the energy or patience for a club. They were too dead on their feet to mill around a hot spot or bar. It didn't feel like any of them could handle the noise or bustle or demands of most of New York night life in their current state. Since all of them were so used to understanding each other, to thinking and feeling as a group; it was nearly in synchrony that they turned to Rossi, knowing he could direct them to good food in a friendly but secluded atmosphere. That was how they ended up relaxing around the table in this tiny Italian eatery, fussed over by a woman who clearly had been in charge of the restaurant for longer than they had been alive. She'd hugged Rossi when he walked in and scolded him at length in Italian, each word leaving the agent helpless to object while Emily could barely stifle her laughter. Italians always had a story, a criticism and a heart full of passion to offer food and love; usually all at once.
Having been fed (and then fed some more) the team enjoyed the remnants of a few bottles of excellent Chianti. Emily wasn't drinking because of the concussion but she had the same warm, relaxed demeanor as everyone else. It might have been related to the casual comfort of JJ sitting next to her, reclining against her shoulder with familiar ease. Garcia saw the happy contentment in Emily's eyes and had no doubt about the source.
"I can't believe you're flying back to London in the morning." Penelope mourned. She saw all too clearly that her sorrow was mirrored by the entire team but none so much as JJ.
"Djinn might be wrapped up here in the US but I'm going to be spending the next month getting through all the loose ends she left behind," Emily shook her head, "My team has been cross referencing missing persons, scouring the Fortress personnel reports and desperately tracking down DNA samples from 18 other countries. We've got a lot of work to do before this case is truly put to rest. Too many people still need the answers we found."
"Victims in 21 countries. I'm glad I'm not a prosecutor anymore. Jurisdiction on this is going to be a nightmare." The quirk of Hotchner's eyebrow slightly upward was one of his few outward tells of inner thought.
"Alex killed across state lines; first degree murder as well as use of explosives and encouraging hate crime. Any of those would make her subject to the federal death penalty." Kate pondered the gloomy fate awaiting the disturbed woman.
"The US government has only executed three people since 1963. Thirty-seven total in almost 9 decades. It's far more likely that she'll be sentenced for life." Spencer doubted. Sixty-two people were currently on the federal death row. Compared to the 3,000 plus sentenced by 32 states. All in all, the government tended to be fairly prudent about its death sentence. The assurance was a small source of comfort to the BAU. They'd seen more than their share of UnSubs commit suicide by cop or kill themselves rather than be taken into custody. The profilers' job already involved so much death; it never felt right that it end with even more. Justice could be served without having to even an illusory score.
"And now that Arthur is dead, she'll probably be perfectly happy living out her days behind bars." Rossi concluded.
"Until someone comes along that hurts Kara." Morgan corrected. They all hoped it wasn't true. The dynamic of the hate between Alex and her twin had been unique and terrifyingly overwhelming. Perhaps, as Rossi said, with Arthur out of the picture Alex would never again feel so threatened, damaged and enraged that she had to kill. Or maybe, because her love for Kara was its own pathology that justified any crime, she would've continued her protective crusade for the rest of their lives together.
"Sixty-six people. All because she couldn't channel her rage at the source." Emily contemplated.
"The solution of a broken mind." Hotchner observed.
No one deserved to be murdered. Perhaps, at the distant stretches of justice, they could admit that Arthur Rochester had brought his fate on himself. No such punishment was warranted for the dozens of innocents that had been slaughtered in Alex's quest for total protection and vengeance. She had chosen her fate the moment she became Djinn, destined to be trapped and enslaved by her own emotion. She would now become like her namesakes of lore: imprisoned in order to protect the world from her own tremendous power to destroy.
"Enough with the serious talk. You're making me unhappy and you promised I could enjoy myself." Garcia swatted Derek, hating the tiny lines of worry furrowing the brows all around her.
"Whatever you want, Baby girl. Tell you what, think Rossi could get them to turn up the music in here? I'll twirl you around the tables to a bit of Dino." Morgan rose and extended a hand to Penelope, who faked a coy demurral even as she accepted the offer.
Rossi grinned, calling to the waiter in Italian. The strains of Dean Martin that had been crooning so gently in the background came up louder and the team watched Garcia and Morgan dance through the tiny aisles of the restaurant. Happy camaraderie filled every inch of the room as some of them called out corrections on dance moves (JJ and Reid), hummed along to the music (Rossi and Kate) or simply marveled that in a world like theirs and job like this one such friendships were even possible (Emily and Hotchner).
The team felt like home and family and everything Emily had spent half her life chasing and another half telling herself she didn't want. Now, with JJ's fingers interlaced with her own, she knew she had never stopped wanting. She had given up chasing and ran away instead. Either way, she'd somehow managed to arrive at exactly the place she needed to be. She had to leave it though. The fact hurt like the deepest edge of a wound. Every end was a beginning which meant that to begin something else had to end. For her and JJ to begin their lives together a lot had to end first.
"Are you scared?" Emily's whisper in JJ's ear was just as awake and alert as she herself was feeling. Despite the long day, the late hour, the exhaustion and relief of closing the case, she still imagined she could feel the spin and hum of every molecule in her body. That awareness might have been exacerbated by the fact that she could feel every inch of the warmth cradling her, each swell and sigh of Emily's breathing.
"No. Nervous. Anxious. Impatient," JJ explored the tensions in her nerves, "I'd be excited if I weren't so worried but I'm not scared. I'm ready."
"Impatient, hmm? You could've caught a commercial flight instead of waiting for the team." Emily teased. JJ rolled over to see the smirk that accompanied the words. The room was dark but dim light from the edges of the drawn curtain showed her the shadows of the face sharing her pillow.
"And give up even a second of this?" she smiled, tracing a finger over the outline of Emily's cheek, carefully avoiding the bandage.
"Maybe that's why neither of us are sleeping." Emily observed, her own hand enjoying the feel of threading through JJ's hair. The panic of the day, the outpouring of emotion, the pressure of imminent separation; it all amounted to an irresistible need to stay close. Every touch, breath, sound and scent had to be carved into memory because it was all they would have for the days ahead. JJ watched Emily's face as she brushed a light kiss over her lips, capturing the glint of affectionate wonder in her eyes.
"I don't want tomorrow to ever come but I want it to already be past. I wish you didn't have to go." She confessed, allowing her inner child to resent her grown up reality.
"I think we learned enough about wishes on this case to know that isn't a good idea." Emily smiled, kissing the pout off JJ's lips. The blonde resisted as best she could but eventually even she had to give in and return the gesture.
"Wishes have a price," JJ knew that none of them would ever forget Djinn's lesson, "Would it really be so bad? What would happen if I wished for you to stay?"
"I would stay." Emily stated simply. It wouldn't be easy and she'd catch nothing but grief from Interpol and her team but Emily knew she would do it for JJ. She'd spent so many years making decisions that ended up hurting the blonde, denying her the right to know the truth and have a say in their future; Emily was determined to make that up to her. If JJ told her to stay, she would.
"And what would that end up costing?" JJ drew the thought out further, contemplating a tomorrow (today, technically) that didn't take Emily away from her. The affectionate humor that had been playing in the brunette's eyes turned somber; a flicker of sorrow at the thought to come.
"Probably everything else." The truth was sad but resolute. There was more to the makeup of their world than this private moment so removed from reality. They both carried responsibilities, obligations; commitments that had to be honored before they could be released. The coming days couldn't be escaped. They could, however, be endured.
"Then I guess I have to let you go." JJ sighed, surrendering the selfish impulses. The future she wanted for them both couldn't be built on regrets. Tucking her head against Emily's collar she curled closer to the warmth and smell she desperately wanted to absorb into herself. Prentiss could sense the sadness beginning to taint their comfort. She ran her hand along JJ's back, each stroke soothing the inner turmoil.
"I might have to leave but you know I won't be gone, Jennifer. I'm not running away," Emily reminded her, kissing the top of her head, "I'll be with you every day. Every step."
"I know. No escape for you and no short cuts for me." JJ tilted her head back up to meet Emily's eyes with her own determined gaze, "I won't just wish for it, Em. I'll do the work. I'll earn the chance for us to be together and I promise: when I tell you it's time to come back it will be forever."
The sound of the words coupled with the intensity in JJ's cerulean eyes; the sheer wonder of it all left Emily breathless. There were times when even a polyglot didn't know what to say. She used her mouth anyway. Each touch of her lips to JJ's described the miracle of the moment. Every breath exchanged between them a life's confession and prayer. They lingered timelessly, trading unspoken promises that would carry them over the coming days.
"The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer." Emily and JJ made certain theirs would be heard across an ocean.
JJ replayed every word and touch of the previous night as she stared out the window of the jet. She worked her way forward in the memories, gradually allowing herself to ponder the morning of waking up peacefully in Emily's arms, more content and secure than she'd felt in years. She'd driven to the airport early for Emily's international flight, knowing the extra minutes of their time together was worth the hours of boredom before her own departure.
They'd walked together along the concourses of JFK, wandering in and out of shops hand in hand as they discussed good flight reading material and the irrationally high price of airport tuna sandwiches. Emily had been almost shy as she pointed out plush toys and souvenirs she might like to send home to Henry. She'd been an adopted aunt for years and there was no one she loved spoiling more than the tiny blonde boy that inherited so much of his mother's nature. There was a reticence about that affection now. The same as her hesitance to show the completely consuming emotion she felt for JJ. It was as if she didn't think she had the right to feel so much.
JJ had squeezed Emily's hand and promised that she didn't have to buy Henry's love, the boy was already devoted to her. Bolstered by that assurance Emily had grinned and then decided to buy a ridiculously expensive radio controlled car at the Discovery Channel store and a box of chocolates, commanding both be handed to her favorite miniature blonde the minute JJ arrived home.
Jennifer couldn't let herself think about their goodbyes outside Emily's gate. Not yet. The departure had been too full of heartbreaking emotion. For now she stayed on the feeling of their morning kiss, the sensation of Emily's fingers lightly gripping her waist as they studied racks of merchandise, the brightness in her eyes every time they looked at each other as though all the words in the world still weren't enough to convey her happiness. She had the rest of the flight for thinking about what was to come. To contemplate Will and the words she would use. To figure out how to keep Henry safe no matter what happened in the coming days. To rehearse speeches, practice arguments, prepare consolations. Right now she wanted just a few more precious minutes to savor the sweetness of their time before moving on to the bitter.
"Mind if I join you?" Penelope's voice broke through JJ's cloud of recollections.
"Of course not." Jareau fell back on her customary warm smile, hoping her eyes didn't betray her. Garcia sat down, pained sympathy flashing across her face and declaring JJ's façade was useless. Jennifer truly couldn't bear that right now. The empathy and understanding, the desire to share; she couldn't handle any of it because right now she needed to be strong for what was to come. Penelope must've sensed the tenuous but resolute determination. She couldn't hide her sympathy but she could smile and let them both pretend.
"So, you never told me what happened the other night." Garcia raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Which night?" JJ innocently demurred. Her gratitude nearly broke a rib as it swelled within.
"When you took off like a woman on a mission, full of badly repressed desires and barely planned impulses." Penelope casually elaborated.
"Oh, that night," JJ gave an exaggerated nod of recollection, "I went to talk to Emily."
"Talk," Garcia repeated, beyond incredulous, "You two talked?"
"For quite some time." JJ nodded, radiating sincerity. It helped so much that it was true.
"Sugar, I saw you. You were practically on the verge of spontaneous combustion in an unforgettably sexy way. I'm straighter than the horizon and devoted to the men in my life but if you showed up in my hotel room looking the way you did? I would've had to seriously reconsider my options." Penelope shook her head, refusing to accept the bowdlerized version of events. JJ laughed, trying to imagine bursting in on her friend in the middle of the night. She'd probably be wearing something very comfortable and pink.
"Ok," JJ surrendered, knowing Garcia wouldn't settle for sanitized half-truths, "I kissed her."
"You -?!" Garcia gaped at the whispered admission, "You kissed her? I mean: you kissed her?! Holy spaghetti gods and monsters!"
"Easy, Pen," JJ scanned the cabin, double checking that no one was listening in, "You didn't leave me much of a choice that night. I had to find out if you were right. You were; why are you surprised now?"
"Because I just won $200 off Morgan!" Garcia squealed happily, doing a tiny victory dance in her seat, "I knew you'd make the first move! He was so sure it would be Emily and it wasn't!"
"You guys were running bets on us?" JJ gaped, not sure whether she should be amazed, amused or offended.
"Are you kidding? There's nearly a thousand bucks bet one way or another on you two. What can I say? Your chemistry is very moving." Garcia was still clapping her hands happily, no doubt thinking of her winnings and the massive amounts of coffee she'd be spending it on.
"Everyone else bet that Emily would make the first move?" JJ wondered, confused at how anyone could think such a thing. Did they have no clue about the standard of honor she held herself to? Did they not know the martyred suffering she endured?
"No, just Morgan. He thought since she came back she'd finally suck it up and confess," Penelope clarified, "Reid felt it was more likely that the situation would be overwhelming for her and she'd give into her emotions. Either way, they both were obviously underestimating our Princess. And you."
"Who else made bets?" JJ found her curiosity about the bizarre invasion of privacy was stronger than any other reaction. What had an entire team of profilers seen fit to gamble on?
"Rossi bet that Emily wouldn't go back to London without telling you how she felt. I guess I'll have to settle with him for that one. She did tell you, right?" a suddenly scrutinizing gaze swept over Jareau, searching for hints.
"Yes, Pen, she did. We talked. We know where we are." Jennifer felt like a child being asked if she'd remembered to do her homework.
"Good. We all knew something had to change with you two. It was getting ridiculous." Garcia rolled her eyes but refrained from any further criticism. JJ felt a sting of irritation that her entire team had been watching them so closely. She was even a bit betrayed that they would so easily profile Emily and JJ's relationship but never give either of them the dignity of a hint. Most of all, she was offended that everyone seemed to think Emily had to be the aggressive one.
"For the record," JJ leaned over, challenge lacing her expression, "I was the one that confronted her. I kissed her. I told her I'm in love with her first."
Correcting everyone's faulty assumptions felt like a victory. Until Garcia's look of amazement turned to sadness.
"You told her. She still left?" the tech couldn't wrap her mind around the conflicting ideas. If they knew they were in love, how could they be apart? JJ sighed, realizing she'd left herself wide open. She sat back, looking down at her folded hands before finding words that wouldn't crack her emotional resolve.
"She had to, Pen. We both have work to do."
"But, JJ, you and Emily – what could be so important that – I don't understand why -," Garcia had a way of verbalizing brain glitches. JJ felt a wash of sympathy for her bewildered friend.
"Just for now, Penelope. We have to get everything sorted out and do things right. She'll be back. I'm going to bring her home." She squeezed Garcia's hand, the strength of the grip nothing compared to the determination in her heart. The emotion must have transmitted through her touch because the sadness fled Penelope's eyes and all too soon she was bouncing in her seat again.
"Oh oh oh! I can't wait! I get to help her unpack and decorate the new place and move you in and we're going to have a girl's night as soon as she's home! A girl's night every month! No, a whole girl's weekend and we'll watch trashy romance movies for me and scary stuff for you and overly cerebral boring foreign stuff like Emily loves and –,"
JJ smiled, settling into the ease of excited happiness that radiated off her friend and enveloped them both. As Garcia's hopes, plans and ambitions for their future lives unfurled around her, JJ not only reflected on how perfect it all sounded but – for the first time – how easy as well.
This long journey nears its end for all involved. Please don't tire out on me now. Reviews, reactions and reviling are all welcomed equally.