May 9th, 2010 (10: 15 A.M.) {Present- Day}
I, Miley Ray Stewart, deserved to die that day.
I repeated those nine words over and over again in my head until they made a hot and clear imprint on the surface of my mind. Those words were one of the first truths I've managed to tell since I held the gun up in my small shaking hands. Also the reason why I'm currently sitting in the backseat of my car, forcing myself not to cry.
My parents sat silently in the driver and passenger seats, not having said anything to me aside from a few 'goodmornings' here and there. Surprisingly, my mom wasn't crying, not a single tear, but today it was even worse. It was as if she had run out of tears, or she didn't find a good enough reason to. My faith, though we hadn't even gotten to the court room yet, was pretty much determined. It made me sad to think that I never got to say my proper goodbyes to Demi, Joe, or Nick… Especially, Selena. Selena, my first ever friend in high school. The one person who was always there, a simple step behind me, whenever I needed her. I couldn't believe everything we once had was now nothing but a memory. It was amazing how much could change in time; even how much could change from a single action.
I shut my eyes and watched as my visit from last night played through my head as if watching a clear cut movie.
I climbed through a secret window on the first floor of the Perry house, trying my best to keep as quiet as possible. I had knocked on the front door, but no one had answered. They must have gone out. Liam and I had always used this back window whenever we had stayed out too late or when he forget his house keys, which was at least twice a week. I tip- toed up the spiral staircase that led to a hallway full of rooms. It was amazing that a whole family of 4… or now 3, could have lived in such a huge house, if it weren't counted as a mansion.
1…
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I stopped in front of a plain white door, closed shut. As I stared at the chipping white walls and the random notes and posters splattered over it, I couldn't help but remember walking through it so many times over and over again. I placed a shy hand on the bronze doorknob and nearly gasped when it turned, and the door slowly creaked open. They hadn't locked it. I let myself count to ten slowly, trying to calm my racing heart and my pulsing ears before taking a cautious step forward into the carpeted room.
I felt tears rise up to my eyes as I took in my surroundings. It was exactly as I remembered it. Not a single piece of clothing or book or poster out of place. Even our picture at the carnival with the broken bear he had given me was still hanging on his shelf. I walked around slowly, finding myself having to try harder and harder to push tears back with everything I saw… almost everything in this room brought back memories of him… of us.
"I miss you," I mumbled as I took a seat on his double bed. I grabbed the bed sheets and wrapped it between my fingers, knowing that he had been the last one to sit on this bed before me. All I wanted to do was stay here forever and remember back to the time when we were so happy and all we would do was laugh and joke around. But I knew no matter how long I waited in this room, Liam would never walk through that door. He would never come for me.
I stood up, my knees almost giving in from all the memories surging through my head. I didn't come here to cry. I brought a hand to my pocket and took out the piece of sea glass that Liam wore around him everywhere. His lucky piece of sea glass that he had found in vacation with Selena. I was about to return it back on his bedside table when I heard a shuffle from outside the door. I felt my body freeze as I waited for someone to walk in, to catch me, but even after minutes, no one came.
Curiously, I walked over to the next room and found the door open also. My eyes widened as I saw Selena sleeping with the blankets tossed around her like a storm. Her face was drenched in sweat and her face was twisted in pain. She was having a nightmare. She used to always be a peaceful sleeper… I did this to her… All I wanted to do was reach over and make sure she was alright, like what she always did to me… but instead, I turned to her desk where the other matching blue sea glass hanging off a charm bracelet was lying. Smiling, I placed the necklace down next to it. This is where it was supposed to be. Not with me, but with the one girl who loved him more than I did, even more than any other person in this world did.
Finally, I looked over to my best friend once more, before slipping back out the door and out of the house… Almost as if I hadn't been there at all.
"We're here," Dad said tensely. I lifted my head, full of a pulsing head- ache, and looked up to meet flashing and flashing and flashing. The bright white lights were attacking us chaotically, and I thought it would be impossible to find an escape. Finally, a familiar face pushed through the crowd of flashing lights and I sighed into a bit more relaxation as I met the kind yet serious face of Mrs. Hanson; the one person who was forced upon the hardest job of all; defending me with nothing to use as evidence except my lies. My dirty sorry lies.
"Miley. C'mon. Just stick with me." Denise's blaring voice sounded out from all the other calls and yells. I felt her hand grasp mine as I opened the car door just slightly enough for me to slip my body through. She pulled me to her right and wrapped a secure and protective arm around my back, making sure I wouldn't be lost in the sea of ambushing photographers.
"What's going on?" I mumbled in absolute confusion, but the other voices over- powered mine completely so that it seemed like I hadn't spoken at all. Bodies were being pressed compactly next to mine, and cameras were being flashed right in front of my eyes. Closing my eyes to protect them from all the bright lights, I was only left with the screams and yells.
Miley, how do you feel about all this?
Do you think if you are found guilty, you will come back to graduate?
Did you kill the new body found; Patrick Nelson?
Why made you kill all those innocent people?
Though I was no longer a stranger to these questions and words, I still couldn't help but feel my body freeze over. If it weren't for Denise's steady hand around me, leading me until we reached the marble steps of the court room, I would have probably been swallowed up in the ambush of photographers.
I was too scared to open my eyes until I heard the door close shut, and even then, my vision was so poor from all the flashing that all I could see were blurs of color. Denise looked a little flushed and out of breathe next to me, but at the same time, she still looked calm and professional; the usual.
"What was that?" I asked, oblivious to everything that was going on. My vision was still clearing, but I could see Denise's worried and apologetic face.
"Someone must have leaked the news and date of the hearing. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Miley."
"Wait," I paused as realization slowly rolled over me. "So this will be all over the news? Everything?"
Denise nodded slowly, and I could tell everything would be so much more worse after this. Everyone would know I was a murderer.
"Hello beautiful," a soft whisper sounded behind me soothingly before a pair of arms wrapped around my waist and engulfed me in a warm embrace. It didn't take me a second to pause before I knew I was in the safe arms of Nick Hanson. I buried my worried head at the small space at the base of his neck and tried my best to calm my breathing. My heart was pulsing in anticipation, and I could feel Nick's heart beat pulsing in a rhythm matching mine next to mine between the fabrics of our shirts. I put a steady hand in between us and put it on his chest.
"You came?" I asked surprised and thankful at the same time. He still looked like a complete mess with his one eye swollen and cut up lip, but he looked better than yesterday. Worried, but better. I felt his protective hand that cradled the back of my head slowly move to the side of my cheek.
"Of course. Mom over there wouldn't let me at first, but I was able to change her mind after awhile," he smiled, and our eyes flickered to Denise who was still standing a few feet away with her arms crossed in front of her.
"Well, what was I supposed to think when you showed up at home with a black eye and half your face ripped open," she explained seriously, though I could tell she had a bit of teasing in her tone.
"You should have seen the other guy," Nick smirked casually as if all the scars and bruises in his face, scars and bruises because of me, were nothing but harmless pencil lines. "And I had a good reason," he finished simply. I flushed red as I felt his hand graze mine. Even the simplest touches with him would leave me feeling in a daze.
"Joseph! Come here and let me fix your tie!" Demi, in a simple yet still stunning black dress, echoed out through the deep long court hall. She came running to a stop as she saw us standing at the far end of the hall. A wide but clearly hesitant grin passed her face as she ran over and wrapped me in a huge Demi hug that always seemed to make me feel better no matter what. She was good at those. "Miles! You look gorgeous today."
"Gorgeous?" I questioned her as I scanned my simple enough outfit. A pair of black slacks and a clean crisp white polo shirt that hung onto my long lean body loosely. My hair was up in a French bun with some small strands of hair escaping it messily. My eyes were probably still blood- shot from the lack if not non- existent sleep I got last night, and my face was clear of any make- up for the first time in awhile. Today, I felt like there was nothing left to hide. They had their decisions already clearly played out in their minds. There was no chance of pretending to be someone else to change it. The deal was done. Everything was done.
"I don't know," Demi shrugged, cocking her head to one side and examining me closer as if she couldn't figure it out herself. "Just something different."
Joe suddenly appeared from behind her, and stepped to her side, wrapping a protective arm around her petite waist. I knew those two would be together for a long long time; if there was a word that was longer than forever, it would be them. "Hey, Miles. How are you?" Joe asked. His hair was swept back in a smooth jet- black wave, and he looked so much more mature than I remember him being. The old class clown and school flirt was gone, and instead, a strong, handsome, and mature 17 year old had taken his place in front of me.
"Honestly," I sighed. "I feel like dying…"
They all shared a look before flashing me a look of complete shock and worry.
I smirked. "I'm joking. I just thought you guys needed to loosen up a little." Their faces transformed in relief, but I could still see the worry in their faces. "I'm fine, really," I reassured them. "Exhausted, but I'm okay."
A slight slam of a door caught all our attentions, and we all twisted around to see Mr. and Mrs. Perry enter the room almost so silently and unnoticeably that no one would have probably even noticed their presence at all. They both looked equally tense, especially Mrs. Perry whose body was basically convulsing in sobs and tears. All I wanted to do was comfort them, but I knew I couldn't. No matter what I told them, the blame for their son would always be pointed at me.
The pair of bright blue eyes flickered to me, and the shade of blue brought back heavy memories of Liam. The Liam I knew for years. The Liam before everything we had had fallen apart. Emotion seemed to flicker inside them like an untamed candle, and I felt as if the whole room was holding its breathe. Finally, someone broke the stare first as Mrs. Perry stared with those piercing blue eyes, so identical to Liam's, and shook her head in complete and obvious disappointment.
I felt something shatter in my chest, but I couldn't let her get to me. I just couldn't.
"She's wrong. She'll be more understanding after today," Nick whispered closely to my ear. I stayed silent and even knew he was lying.
"But what if she isn't wrong?" I whispered, my heart caught in my throat. This time, Nick didn't have an answer. Instead, he leaned down from the small height difference between us and kissed my hair.
"We believe you no matter what. Everyone makes mistakes, Miles… Even some of the best."
I leaned my head dependently on Nick's chest and kept silent, not knowing what to think or say anymore. "I don't know what I did to deserve you… To have you now, during all this. When I needed someone most."
"I think the same with you," he smiled that perfect smile, which only made me feel even guiltier. I didn't deserve this guy standing in front of me.
"Selena isn't with them," Demi's voice broke Nick and I from our own world and spiraled us back into our unwanted realities. "She's not there…,"
"Guys. I think instead of worrying about the Perry family, you guys should go get to your seats. The hearing starts in a few minutes. It's fine. I've got Miley under my hands," Denise explained as she ushered them away from the nearly empty hallway. I felt Nick's hand squeeze mine in an attempt of final comfort. He moved closer, not caring that he was being left behind by Joe and Demi.
"I think I know what Demi saw earlier… the difference," the curly haired 17 year old smiled, stuffing his hands in his pockets shyly.
"What?"
"The difference she saw wasn't outer- beauty, though you have a lot of that," he grinned slowly, staring at me intently with those sweet chocolate brown eyes. "It's courage that she sees, Miles. It's courage." I felt my face flush from his words, and before I could know what was happening, he moved forward and left a small kiss on my cheek."See you later," he smiled tensely. He said see you later, I thought to myself. Not goodbye… not good bye… For some reason, those choice of words gave me a brief sense of relief, right before I saw I movement from the corner of my eye, and my body seemed to tense up without even seeing who it was.
When I turned around to see Detective Wilden dressed in a full black and white suit from head to toe, his eyes were already burning through mine. They flashed with such a confidence and power that words almost seemed to radiate from it; it's over. I wavered first and brought my gaze back to Denise whose arm was wrapped around me defensively. "Don't worry about him… He's the least of you worries. We just have to get through this… But I need your help too. Is there anything I should know? Absolutely anything I should know? I can't do this alone, Miley…" Denise turned to me with a raised eyebrow and hopeful eyes. I opened my mouth, thinking about telling her everything, absolutely everything from the very beginning. She could help me, I thought, but in the same brief moment the thought passed my head. My eyes turned to meet Detective Wilden's heated gaze.
"Nothing," I mumbled, my heart breaking, but not sure for who.
Denise let a little disappointment slip from her expression, but she still managed to stretch out a smile on her face. "Then I guess this is it…"
I gnawed on my lip in anticipation. The only thing filling my mind were regrets, and that was what was killing me. What ifs were the only thing that were entering and escaping my brain. What if I hadn't fallen in love with Liam… What if I hadn't seen Taylor Sumner that one night? What if everything stayed completely the same in me and Liam's relationship? What if I hadn't picked up that gun…
"Don't be scared, Miley," Denise brought me back out of my wandering thoughts. I was distinctly aware that her arms were placed securely on both my shoulders and her eyes blazed with confidence and determination. "If he was here right now to see how strong you are, Kevin would be so so proud of you… Liam would be proud of you."
I should tell her…
But instead when I opened my mouth, a mumble of words exited my lips. "I don't feel strong."
"Yet you're standing here right now, instead of running away."
Like Patrick, I thought.
"I'm sorry about Kevin," I explained, just before we turned around to enter the court room that would establish my faith.
Denise's eyes flashed a bit of pain, but I could clearly see that it wasn't a raw pain anymore, but more of a healing pain. The pain I now had whenever I thought of Liam or Kevin or even Patrick. I wondered if Patrick was with Liam and Kevin right now. I wonder if they're watching over me. "Thank you," Denise smiled softly before taking my arm into hers. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah. I think I am," I whispered so quietly that there was a chance that Denise might not have even heard my words at all. I flashed one last look at Detective Wilden who was now standing next to the Perry family, talking to them in soft low whispers, both their faces twisted in serious and anticipating expressions. As if sensing me watching, he twisted his head and looked me straight in the eye, but I didn't waver when I finally looked away.
I nodded once before Denise tugged me forward and into the court room that would determine the next 50 years of my life.
March 13, 2010 (9: 12 P.M.)
I shook the full cup of beer in my hand, causing some of the brown liquid to slosh onto my palm. I was distinictlley aware of the loud music blaring around me, along with the sounds of screaming and singing. Demi had decided to host a party while her parents were out of town for the weekend for some cruise they had won on the radio. I hadn't wanted to go since all I've wanted to do so far since the Liam break- up was curl up in a ball in my room and disappear. But Demi just wouldn't let me go so easily. Everyone was at this party. Even a few freshmans managed to sneak in if they were lucky enough.
"Hey! Look Miles!" Demi squealed, obviously already drunk from the 3 cups of beer she drank. She pointed to the front door where Liam was entering with a huge grin on his face. Like the usual Liam he was. How could he be so happy? We only broke up a day ago... His easy acceptance of losing me caused a sharp pain to stab into my chest. "I thought you said Liam couldn't come today, Miles."
"Um… I guess he changed his plans," I mumbled, looking down at my drink and taking a full chug. I hadn't gained enough strength to tell anyone that Liam and I had broken up. Ever since we had first gotten together, everyone would always assume that Liam and I would be together forever. It just felt right since the beginning. And now that it wasn't going to turn out like that, it was like the whole world had broken and had been pieced together incorrectly.
I watched, taking sip after sip after sip from my beer, letting the bitter liquid burn through my throat and leave almost a lightness in my stomach, as Liam made his way through a line of people, high- fiving and greeting a few guys from school. Suddenly a slim arm and a flash of blonde hair came to him and brought him to a halt. I saw his eyes light up with something I've never seen before, and I felt my heart trash around in my chest, wanting to get out. The mystery blonde, I didn't recognize, but I could tell from the easy way Liam felt around her, that she was no stranger to him. I strained to see the blonde clearer, but her perfect curved back was faced towards me. Had he come to the party with her? Had he really moved on that fast?
"Who's that with Liam?" Selena asked, motioning towards the blonde that's hand was now currently resting comfortably on his arm. I took another huge chug out of my cup of beer only surprised to see that it was empty.
"Um, a friend of his… yeah," I mumbled a little too quickly. I reached out for another plastic cup filled to the rim with beer and brought it all down my throat.
"Woah there Miles," Joe chuckled, grabbing the cup away from my hands. "Calm down."
"Yeah. What's up? You don't seem like you?" Selena put a steady hand on my shoulder as she sent me a clearly worried expression.
"And plus, you have all night to get wasted," Joe joked around, slapping me on the back teasingly.
"Joe!" Demi slapped him on the shoulder, but he only smirked. They started to get into a conversation that only brought everyone in the group to break into loud and hysterical laughter. I didn't find any of it funny; maybe because I was too distracted by the fact that Liam was here, possibly with another girl that wasn't me. I looked back over at where Liam was, now right next to the staircase with only the mystery blonde next to him and whispering something closely to his ear. He laughed, his face lighting up in a way that I used to be able to do so easily a few years ago. He looked happy… without me.
I tore my eyes away from the extremely close couple, and shut my eyes trying to blink back tears. I felt a soft hand place itself on my shoulder again. "What's wrong?" Selena asked softly.
"I… I don't know. I have a head- ache… I can't be here right now," I looked around at my surroundings, searching for some sort of an escape, but instead my eyes stopped at a pair of bright blue eyes staring back into mine. I saw him whisper something to the blonde before slipping past her and walking towards me. As if on instinct, I felt my own feet shuffle towards him like a magnetic pull and we stopped once we were right in front of each other, chest to chest. We had met in the middle.
"Miles," he mumbled, his voice shaking as if in pain. I watched as his fingers reached out towards me but fell back to his side after remembering the circumstances at the moment. Instead of nudged his head to the long staircase that led to the second floor of Demi's house. "Let's go somewhere quieter. I need to talk to you."
I thought about mentioning the blonde and who she was and if he had come with her to the party, but the feel of his hand slither in mine to lead me upstairs silenced me and made me forget about everything that was on my mind. The feel of warmth radiating from his palm and touching mine made me feel like we were what we used to be, and I would have given anything to keep the moment still. Finally, after passing a few couples making- out, we stopped in front of a guest room that Demi never used and slipped inside, trying our best to keep unnoticed.
He stood on the other side of the room, pacing back and forth and constantly rubbing his neck, while I stood on the other side of the room awkwardly frozen. "So you wanted to talk…"
"I just need to know what's up with us. Are we really…" he droaned off by the end of the sentence, not wanting to say it out loud.
I shrugged, letting my arms hang loose at my sides, my heart beating irregularly. "I don't know… Do you want it to be?"
He ran his hands through his short messy blonde hair and shrugged. "I don't know…"
"So none of us know…" I sighed, taking a seat on the bed.
"I guess not," Liam chuckled, his mood beginning to ease just slightly. I even felt my own lips tug into a small hesitant smile. He walked over and took a seat next to me, not exactly dangerously close, but it wasn't exactly all the way across the bed either. I felt my breathe hitch, but it wasn't because of the feeling he gave me when we were around each other like it always was, but this time, rather the fact that for the first time since I had first met Liam, I had absolutely nothing to say. "I miss you, you know," Liam finally whispered, taking my hands into his hesitantly, not sure whether I would allow the small contact.
"I miss you too," I mumbled, though the only pictures going through my mind were of the blonde and his smiles and the fact that he looked so happy and fine without me. "But you didn't seem like you were missing me very much downstairs."
"Faking a smile is the easiest lie to do," he ran a timid finger over the edge of my face, brushing away a strand of hair in front of my eyes. He was always good at the romantic stuff. He never hesitated to touch me unless I was angry at him, which used to be so rare… but now… it seemed like it was all I ever felt with him anymore. My body was shaking slightly in nerves and complete and utter confusion as Liam bent over and kissed me.
I sighed feeling his warm lips press onto mine. It was all so familiar that I couldn't help, but fall into his arms. Surprisingly, he was the one who had pulled away first, leaving me breathless and panting. "I change my answer," he mumbled with a small grin. "I don't want this to end… I want you…"
I pulled my head back and rested a gentle hand on his chest. "Really?"
"Really."
I hesitated. "But if we're going to do this again, I need you to promise me that you'll try to actually make it work. I don't want you disappearing on me anymore. I want to be with you all the time."
He grinned that smile that always seemed to make my heart stop in my chest before pulling me into another long and lingering kiss. His hands were roaming up and down my arms as if trying to soothe me before his hands slithered to the base of my back. Before I knew it, we were already half- dressed and making- out on the King size bed non- stop. The moment felt so wrong, I was drunk, but at the same time, all I wanted to do was be with Liam.
Liam rolled over and looked me in the eyes just when the making- out had gotten too heavy. "Do you want to keep going? I mean, like…." He stopped not really knowing how to say it, but I knew what he meant. Sex…. I had always said I would wait for the right moment, but right now, all I wanted to do was clarify that Liam was mine. He would always be mine, and I would always be his. This would make everything official… Right?
"Yeah," I simply nodded, not wanting to waste any time talking. He would only grow angry if I said no. We would only fight again. I would only loose him... I felt the light- headedness that came with the beer start to kick in as I felt myself loosing control of my own self. I pulled Liam in for another kiss, but he stopped me with hesitation in his eyes.
"Are you sure? You really want this?" he asked, his eyes full of lust and wanting. I knew it wouldn't matter what I said anymore.
"Yes," I lied before he covered me in kisses once again.
A/N: This story is going to have 3 more chapters. WOOPS. I was going to fit so much more into this chapter, but it ended up being so effing long. Half of it was just them standing around before the courtroom. I have no idea how I wrote so much for one scene. HA. So the next chapter is when the official court scene starts. They'll be some twists and you'll start to get the truth little by little.
And Question: What's your thoughts on what happened at the end of the chapter?
ANd thank you for the 17 reviews last chapter! I loved your feedback so so much. I promise the next chapter will be up by this weekend. 3