Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.

Chapter 25: The Lie Mode Maneuver

"Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty… Euch!" Sheldon's soft singing to his wife came to a rapid halt as he was grabbed by the collar of his shirt and pulled forward so that he was almost nose to nose with Penny.

"No Soft Kitty!"

Sheldon was at a loss. "But you said to comfort you."

Penny gave a loud wail as another contraction hit her. When it was over, she scowled at Sheldon. "I meant get some ice chips, hold my hand, or do something useful! Not sing Soft Kitty."

"I'll go get ice chips," Sheldon offered, glad of an excuse to leave the room.

Twenty minutes later he was back. "Did you know that the woman next door is… oh Dear Lord!"

"Just leave him!" Penny hollered as someone went to help Sheldon, who had seen the baby's head crowning and fainted. "I'm the one having the baby!"

"Okay, get ready to push…"

"Sheldon!" Penny's yell brought Sheldon around. "Sheldon!"

"Did I just dream you were having a baby?" Sheldon asked in a bemused voice, his eyes not yet open.

"No, I always lie in a hospital bed with my legs spread like this," Penny barked, more than a little annoyed with her husband.

A baby's wail rent the air, and Sheldon's eyes snapped open as he gave a half-nervous, half-surprised smile. "That's it, isn't it?"

"Yes, Sheldon," Penny said, looking over at her still prostrate husband, "that is our daughter."

"Up we get," a rather stocky male nurse said as he hauled Sheldon to his feet. "Sit down there, next to your wife."

Sheldon gave him a dazed look as the baby wailed again. "I'm a daddy."

Penny held out her arms as the newly cleaned baby was put back into them, and all her anger at Sheldon dissipated as she looked down at the tiny bundle. "Sheldon, she's so beautiful."

Leaning over from his chair, Sheldon surveyed the baby in a critical fashion. "I think you might be pushing the envelope a little with that statement. She looks rather like one of Amy's monkeys' butts to me, sort of red and wrinkled." He knew he had screwed up when Penny's face began to crinkle up. "Oh crap."

"How could you say that about our baby?"

Sheldon immediately went into lie mode, having decided that if Kryten, a supposed truth telling android from Red Dwarf could do it successfully, then so could he. "I was just teasing. She's beautiful like her mother."

"Nice save, mate."

"Thanks," Sheldon said to the grinning male nurse, before turning back to see that Penny was looking far from happy. "Okay, okay, so I'm busted but it's true, she is all wrinkled."

"How do you think you'd look if you'd just spent over nine months inside of me?"

"She was a bit of slow poke, wasn't she?" Sheldon commented, before going on, "The average human gestation lasts 267 days from the moment of conception, and yet she took 284 days, two hours and, exactly what time was she born?"

"Sheldon, just shut up!" Penny said, wishing that just for once Sheldon could leave facts and figures behind. "Don't you want to hold her?"

"Why?"

"Because she's your daughter."

"I'm well aware of that, and…" Sheldon broke off as Penny began to cry. "I'll hold her if you'll stop."

"Let me help you," the midwife, who had finally finished cleaning Penny up said as Penny began to try to turn to face Sheldon. "Hold her like this, and make sure you support her neck and head."

"I know that," Sheldon said, having read every book on parenting he could possibly find in the local bookstore as well as surfing the net. However, knowledge and actuality were two different things, and it was an awkward few moments before he had his newborn daughter safely held in his arms.

Penny wiped away her tears as Sheldon stared down at his daughter. "You can talk to her."

Sheldon went to protest that it would be a waste of time since the baby wouldn't understand, when he saw Penny's hopeful look, and he ignored his inner voice that wanted to tell Penny this, instead speaking to his daughter. "Hello. I'm your Daddy, and my name is Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper. We haven't decided on a name for you yet because your mummy, Penny, told me we couldn't until you were born."

"I think she looks like a Rachel," Penny interjected.

Sheldon knew that Penny had picked the name from the long running American comedy series that was repeated on what felt like a mind-numbingly daily basis in the UK. "I'm not naming our daughter after a character whose claim to fame was hair related. I think we should name her Eva, after Eva Crane, who was a nuclear physicist with an interest in bees. In fact…"

"In fact no," Penny said firmly. "We're not naming her after any scientists."

"Then you're going to rule out a lot of names," Sheldon observed, "including Virginia, Elizabeth, Anna, Marie, Gertrude…"

"Gertrude?"

"Gertrude Elion, a Nobel Prize winner."

"Don't even bother telling me what for," Penny said without hesitation when Sheldon paused as their daughter opened her eyes to look at him.

He again paused as he realized that Penny would probably not want to hear all the interesting facts he had at his fingertips about babies and eyesight, instead opting for, "At least her eyes are both the same color."

Penny gritted her teeth and held out her arms. "Why don't you give her to me and go tell everyone that she's here?"

"I could just text them."

"Or you could walk up the corridor and make the announcement like a normal human being, especially as they've all flown here just for this moment."

Sheldon being Sheldon ignored Penny's comment about the effort everyone had made to talk about himself instead. "But I'm not a normal human being."

"Tell me something I don't know," Penny said, before she realized what she had invited with her oft repeated remark.

"I could tell you lots of things you don't know," Sheldon said, brightening at the thought of it as he always did when Penny said it to him.

"Or you could start by telling our friends and family something they don't know… that our daughter is here!"

"But how can I announce her arrival if she doesn't have a name yet?" Sheldon asked, suddenly seeing it as a potential problem.

"You just say, it's a girl!"

"Do I have to lie and say she's beautiful?"

The nurse shook his head as he walked out of the room, not about to get in the middle of what he believed would be a big fight.

"Sheldon, she is beautiful! In fact, she's the most beautiful thing in the world right now." Penny then started to cry again, Sheldon's words more than a little hurtful.

Sheldon sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, taking care not to jolt his bundle, as did his best to try and make it up to Penny in the only way he knew how at that particular moment... with facts. "Did you know that the Greek for most beautiful is the name Callista?"

Penny looked up at him through her tears. "Is it really?"

"Yes."

"Then I want to name her Callista Penelope," Penny decided, the two of them having already agreed on Penny's first name becoming the baby's second one.

Sheldon had no real issues with the name and shrugged. "I suppose it'll do. Would you like to hear some more fun facts about the name?"

"No, Sheldon."

"Should I go tell everyone now?"

"Yes, Sheldon."

Sheldon clumsily passed the tiny baby to her mother before heading out of the door and up the corridor to announce the birth of his daughter, where it was surprisingly his mother who had issues with the name.

"You named her Callista? It's not very Christian."

"Neither is Sheldon or Missy," Sheldon retorted to his mother, who had supplied him and Penny with a long list of names she had extracted from the bible. "Penny chose it because it means most beautiful, although the baby's not really, but don't tell Penny that, otherwise she'll start crying again."

"Shelly!" his sister exclaimed, punching him in the arm and making him cry out. "You go back in there right now, and tell Penny that your daughter is the most precious, exquisite thing you've ever seen."

"I suppose I could go into lie mode again." Sheldon yelped as Missy hit him again.

Bernadette turned on Raj. "If you don't tell me our baby is beautiful when she's born, then you'll be sleeping in the spare room for a year!"

Raj opened up the small hip flask he had filled with liquor to celebrate Sheldon's news, and took a sip out of it before saying, "She will be a goddess, just like her mother."

Missy turned to her brother. "That's how you do it."

"But she won't be a goddess," Sheldon protested, not getting it.

"Just lie to her like Raj!" Bernadette screeched.

"But I wasn't lying, my fairest angel," Raj said, smiling dreamily at Bernadette as he patted his wife's gently rounded stomach. "You are a goddess."

"Now why couldn't I find a sweetie pie like you?" Missy asked, not yet having found someone she could fall in love with.

"Because I couldn't talk to you and so I ran away." Raj smiled at Bernadette again. "And I'm glad I did."

Sheldon resisted the urge to gag as Bernadette gave Raj a lingering kiss, and he said, "Well, I suppose I'd better get back and lie then."

"Can we see them?" Amy asked.

"I don't know. Penny told me to tell you that Callista had arrived, and so I've done it."

"Then go ask," Amy urged.

Sheldon returned a few moments later. "She's being moved into her room, number 429, so you can go see her in a few minutes."

As they walked up the corridor, he grabbed Amy's arm. "I should warn you. You'd better not mention she looks like one of your monkeys' butts. That upsets Penny too."

Amy rolled her eyes and walked off.

Penny walked into the sitting room to discover Sheldon in a white one-piece disposable suit wearing rubber gloves that went up above his elbows and a face mask. "Sheldon, what are you doing?"

"You said it would be my turn to change her diaper next, so I thought I'd get a head start."

"You don't need to wear that lot."

"I beg to differ. Have you seen what comes out of her?"

"Since I've been changing her diaper every time so far, the answer is yes," Penny said, putting a hand to her head to rub her aching brow, before she pointed to the gloves. "Sheldon, you can't change her diaper in those."

"Why not?"

"What if she's allergic to latex?"

"Good point," Sheldon said, tearing off the long gloves that were usually used when birthing cattle. "I'll just pop round to Boots the Chemist and see if they have anything suitable."

"Sheldon, just wash your hands after changing her."

"I don't think so," Sheldon said, picking up his wallet and heading for the front door. "I won't be long."

"Take off the mask first."

Sheldon gave her a sheepish look before removing it and leaving.

"CERN," Sheldon said to his nine month old daughter, who was cradled on his lap and looking up at him. "Say CERN for Daddy."

"Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?"

"Teaching her the important words she'll need for later in life."

"You don't know that she'll be a scientist."

"And I don't know that she won't," Sheldon countered, before smiling at his daughter who grinned back at him. "Show Mummy and say CERN."

"Ma ma ma."

"Sheldon, she said mama!" Penny yelled excitedly, putting down a sheaf of papers and taking her daughter from him. "Who's a good little girl? Who said mama?"

"She actually said ma ma ma."

"Good enough for me," Penny said triumphantly, kissing her daughter on the cheek. "Callie, say mama."

"Ma ma ma."

"When she's only a rocket scientist, I'll know who to blame," Sheldon said peevishly, getting up and noticing the papers Penny had put down. "Scientists Gone Wild?"

"Yeah, it's a pilot for a TV show I'm auditioning for. The writer's over here and he's agreed to let me audition in London rather than LA," Penny said, almost as excited about the opportunity as she was about her daughter's big step forward.

"Will the pilot be filmed in London?"

"LA, but it's only for a few weeks and I thought you could visit the National Summer Steamup while we were there," Penny said, dangling the train orientated event in front of Sheldon that she had taken the time to look up online.

It worked. "That would be fun but what about Callie?"

"Don't you want our daughter to know all about trains?"

"Good plan," Sheldon said, approving of the idea. "So I'll take her to the show, and you can film your pilot. What's it about?"

It was now Penny's turn to get excited. "The character's name is Betty Barton, a young, blonde woman who's from Lincoln, Nebraska, who moves to California to be an actress. But while she waits for her big break, she works as a waitress at the Olive Garden."

"Sounds really boring," Sheldon commented.

"It's going to be a comedy," Penny said, before explaining further. "Betty's going to move in opposite two geeky scientists, one of whom falls madly in love with her, although his roommate doesn't understand why."

"Does the pilot have time travel in it?"

"No."

"Does it have neon fish in it?"

"No."

"Batman?"

"No, Sheldon, although it does have masturbation in it," Penny commented, hoping to shock him.

"Not you I hope."

"Nope, it's the two scientists who decide to go to a sperm bank and make a deposit."

"Sounds like a no-hoper to me," Sheldon said, picking up his iPad. "When's the audition?"

"Tuesday at five."

Sheldon checked his electronic diary. "But that's when you're supposed to be taking me to the dentist for a check-up."

"Then you'll have to change it."

"It took me three weeks to get this appointment, and I'm already one day late. I'm sorry, Penny, but I can't. My dental hygiene is far more important than your audition for a show that's going to go nowhere."

"I'll change Callie's diaper for a week if you put the appointment off."

Sheldon wavered for a moment, before shaking his head. "No."

"Ten days."

While Sheldon had managed to come to terms with bathing, feeding and dressing his daughter, changing her diaper was his most hated chore, even giving him nightmares in which a large diaper chased him down the street while yelling daddy. "Two weeks."

"Done."

Penny picked up the phone and then let out an almighty shriek. "Sheldon! I got the part!"

"Shh!" Sheldon said quickly, rushing down the stairs. "I've just got Callie to sleep."

"Sorry," Penny lowered her voice. "I got the part."

"I hope this doesn't mean you're going to be reneging on the diaper agreement," Sheldon commented.

"Thanks a lot! I get a part in an actual TV show pilot and that's all you can say?"

"Congratulations?"

"Forget it." Penny stomped off upstairs, Sheldon following her as she marched into their bedroom.

He knew he was in trouble when she turned around and she had tears running down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. This is important to you, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Come here," Sheldon held out his arms and began to rub Penny's back as she cried. "There, there, Sheldon's going to make it all better."

"How?" Penny sobbed, her mind already on exactly how Sheldon could make it all better.

"I could sing Soft Kitty."

"Or you could, maybe, kiss me."

Sheldon brushed a kiss over his wife's cheek.

"On the mouth, Sheldon!"

"But we haven't brushed our teeth."

"Sheldon, just kiss me."

Somewhat reluctantly Sheldon did as he was told, although he pulled away when her hands moved to his shirt to begin to unbutton it. "Penny, what are you doing?"

"Helping you to make it better."

"But it's the middle of the day."

"I know," Penny said as she finished unbuttoning his shirt and began working on his pants. "Live a little dangerously, Sheldon."

"Can we at least shut the curtains?"

"No."

"Take a shower?"

"No," Penny said, pushing him back on to the bed as she began to undress herself.

"Top or bottom?" Sheldon asked as he watched her undressing.

"You really know how to push a girl's buttons, don't you?" Penny asked sarcastically.

"After all the instruction you've given me, I should hope so," Sheldon said, taking her literally as he kicked back the covers and removed his socks, aware by now that Penny hated it when he left them on. "So, top or bottom?"

"Bottom," Penny said, joining him on the bed. "It's your turn to do all the work."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather take a shower first?"

"No, I want you to make it all better."

"It would be much better with a shower," Sheldon protested, even as he leant over towards Penny to kiss her.

"No, it would be much better if you just got on with it."

"But you can't be ready for coitus," Sheldon said in surprise. "We haven't even begun foreplay yet."

Sheldon having destroyed the mood, Penny pushed him away. "I give up."

"So can I get back up now?"

"You can do whatever the hell you like," Penny said as she rolled off the bed.

"I messed up again, didn't I?"

"When don't you?" Penny then turned around. "And don't even bother answering that or I swear to God I'll kill you."

Sheldon swiftly came to the conclusion he had messed up big again. And so, not wishing to spend another two weeks in the spare room as he had done the last time he had messed up big when Callie had been born and his lie mode maneuver had failed, Sheldon slid off the bed as well and grabbed Penny's hand. "Come on."

"Sheldon, what are you doing?" Penny asked, still angry with him as he pulled her out of the bedroom.

"I'm living dangerously," Sheldon said, pulling her down the staircase and into the kitchen. "Get on to the table."

"It's solid wood, Sheldon."

"I'd make love to you on the carpet but it's cheaper to clean the table," Sheldon said, pointing at it. "So get on it."

"Sheldon, it's hard."

Sheldon let go of her hand and came back in with some cushions from the sitting room and dropped them on the table. "Now get on."

Not entirely sure whether or not she was dreaming, Penny did as Sheldon said, hiding her laughter as he clumsily climbed on to a chair before moving to lie above her. "Now this is what I call making it better."

Sheldon took a leaf out of Penny's book. "Just shut up and kiss me."

When it was over, Sheldon lifted his head to look at Penny who was sweaty and a little red-faced. "Make sure that when you launder the cushions you use the hot wash, and this table will need scrubbing. On second thoughts, just throw the cushions out, and we can burn the table."

Penny burst out laughing. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"Not as much as I love you."

Penny melted. He might have his moments, but at times like this she was glad she had married Sheldon and she reached up and kissed him, the kiss becoming drawn out as Sheldon's hand moved to cup her breast. As he ended the kiss, she whispered, "Do you want to make it all better again?"

"If you go on top, I do. My knees are killing me."

Penny laughed again and pulled him back down to kiss her before swapping places and making love to her husband.