Ch 25. Fault
A.N. I tried to finish this before glee came back from the hiatus but it didn't work out so well. Sorry about the delay! That was some episode, huh?
Congratulations to Stupid Fat Kid for getting the Contest Question right! Everyone can expect a new character cameo in the near future of the story as the prize from that contest. I would have accepted that either Jayma Mays or Heather Morris guest starred on How I Met Your Mother which stars Neil Patrick Harris, who guest starred on Glee. Also, Harry Shum Jr. guest starred on Boston Public which starred Jessalyn but also Loretta Devine who guest starred on Glee. I found that out from an unsigned review by Brooke, but I have no way to message you back, Brooke! If you have a fanfic account, try to PM me or leave a signed review I can reply to about a prize.
Thanks (and Happy Birthday!) to Tashah04 who requested the song in this chapter, Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons as part of a contest prize. The chapter title comes from the song. You can listen by adding the following to the youtube address or clicking the full link in my Author's Profile. /watch?v=lLJf9qJHR3E
More Happy Birthday shout outs to Maiqu and Myffieberry!
Disclaimer: I do not own glee, songs, or anything familiar.
...
Puck hated disappointing Rachel. But give him a long enough stretch of good times and he was sure to fuck it up. He hated that look she would get-sad but trying not to show it. He hated that. He hated that he caused it. He hated not knowing how to fix it.
He had said something stupid...again. In front of everyone. Yeah, it's something he would have said without thinking before they were dating. But he knew she was right that he shouldn't have said that now that they're dating.
Even if he was thinking it.
And even if they're supposed to be honest with each other.
And even if everyone else was thinking it.
But he probably shouldn't have been thinking it in the first place. He didn't really find her personality that annoying. It was just...
Puck had his own mini-breakthrough. He realized unintentionally why he probably said what he said. And in his Eureka moment, he once again spoke before considering the consequences.
He turned to her as she sat next to him in his truck. They were almost to her house after he had bashed her "Rachel Berry-ness" during glee. "I don't think you're annoying really, Rachel," he started.
She huffed and crossed her arms. "Your words proved otherwise," she said as she looked out the window.
"But I think I know why I got annoyed..." he started cautiously, but he couldn't contain his excitement at his realization.
His tone was too bright for Rachel to stand. She snapped at him, "Please enlighten me."
He hardly registered her sarcasm-or subconsciously thought better of responding to it. In a rush he blurted, "It's because you were acting like all you cared about was attention for your talent, to get on Broadway, and screw everyone else."
She turned from the window and peered at him questioningly.
"And that's all fine, but it just made me feel like your dads were right. And that made me feel like crap. And I took it out on you. And I'm sorry. I should just realize that high school is one thing..." He didn't want to say that he was cool and she wasn't, which was a real accomplishment of thinking before speaking that he could never tell her about. "But in the real world I'm not good enough for you, so I should just be ok with it."
"W-what?" Rachel looked at him with her dark eyes wide. "I never want you to feel that you're not good enough for me! Do I make you feel that way? I'm so sorry if I do!" she exclaimed in a flurry of words. Then she realized she had no idea what he was talking about. "What did you say about my dads? Did they tell you that you're not good enough for me?"
Puck wondered now if he should've kept his mouth shut. But screw it, he was gonna be honest. Still, he ducked his head a bit shamefully before he answered, "Yeah."
Rachel scooted toward him as close as the seat belt would allow. "When? What did they say?"
He took a deep breath. "It was the other day. I left after you fell asleep but I ran into your dads on my way out."
She gasped even though she shouldn't have been surprised. "They never said anything to me," she murmured to herself.
Puck shrugged, "Yeah, well, maybe they didn't want you to know what they said."
"But you'll tell me?"
He nodded. "Basically, they were pissed I was there, but I talked my way out of that."
"Of course," she smiled tentatively.
"Yeah," he smirked. "Then I asked why they're all about Jesse and hate me so much."
"You did?" she squeaked.
"Damn straight. That's when they said that Jesse was...useful...for you with Broadway stuff. And I'm...useless...worse than useless. A distraction. That I'd block your way." He was getting angrier and more upset as he repeated the words her dads had used.
Rachel gasped again, shocked and nearly speechless. Nearly. "I'm so sorry, Noah! I can't believe they actually said that!" She placed her had on his knee. "They have no right to talk to you that way."
Puck shrugged it off. "It's a free country and you're their daughter. And I get it, they're right that I have nothing to offer you to get you to Broadway." Then he looked her in the eye. "But I won't stop you from following your dreams. I won't stop you from getting to where we all know you belong."
Rachel couldn't breathe. Her heart ached. Where did she belong, really? She just wished...so many things. "Maybe I belong with you."
There she said it.
Or had she? Noah was silent. But the look in his eyes-he heard her. Her stomach did loops as she watched his jaw work frantically before he spoke.
"That's why I got upset. I must've let myself think that too," he admitted. But his voice hardened. "I know now, after you showed how much you're dying for the spotlight and how much you need that kind of attention, that you won't be happy until you're starring on Broadway." His voice softened again. "We just have to deal with it and keep on the way we always said we would, knowing that the end of high school will be...the end."
"It doesn't have to be," she said. "We could have a long distance relationship, and then you could transfer to New York." She regretted saying it-she remembered the last time she suggested that. He had the same dark look on his face he had now.
"You know I can't do that."
"I know you want to be with Beth," she said with quiet resignation.
Puck nodded as he pulled into Rachel's driveway and cut the engine. "Yeah..."
Rachel figured that this was where their conversation would end. And she didn't feel up to acting like everything was ok. "Thank you for the ride home, Noah. I'm still upset and just need some time...to process."
Puck was surprised that just when he was opening up about what was going on with him, Rachel was shutting down. "You don't wanna keep talking?"
Rachel took her hand off of the door handle. "You want to talk?" she asked surprised. "I'd like that. Can we just...talk?"
"Yeah, 'course we can." He looked at her like she was crazy. It's not like he had to have sex with her every time they had a chance. Though obviously he'd want to...he just didn't have to.
Rachel looked relieved as she kissed him on the cheek. "Please come in; it's cold out here." She slid from her seat and out the door.
Puck shook his head and followed her as she flounced up the walkway to her house. Now that they were going to talk, he wondered what he should say.
...
And there he was in her bedroom, her eyes shining at him and she looked like she was expecting something great.
She patted a spot next to her on the bed. "Let's talk about your feelings," she buzzed.
Shit.
Puck cleared his throat, buying some time. "What about? I mean, my feelings about what exactly?"
Rachel pursed her lips as she thought about how to approach this. "Let's discuss...your conflicting feelings. You seem upset that I'm going to New York, but you don't want to stop me from going to New York, but you don't want to come with me." She bit her lip nervously as she realized that didn't come out gently at all.
"Uh, yeah...I guess the main thing is just that...you're amazing...too amazing for Ohio."
Rachel blushed, but braced herself. She knew there was a 'but' coming next.
"But this is kinda my chance to be a part of my daughter's life. Shelby's in Ohio with Beth so I can spend time with her and go to college at the same time. If I prove myself to Shelby, maybe she'd let me see Beth more even after I graduate from college and maybe...move somewhere else."
Rachel's heart fluttered. "Do you mean there's a chance you might...move to New York someday?"
"It's not impossible; I don't know," he stumbled over his words, his feelings. He was torn. "The thing is...when I first found out about Beth-before she had a name even, I was just...I couldn't wait to meet her. And then she was born and she was amazing. And now she's growing up so fast, and I'm missing so much. It's hard to explain how you can feel so much for one little person. It's this...big...feeling."
"Overwhelming?" Rachel asked. She thought she could relate. He was describing love.
"Yeah, overwhelming," Puck nodded. "It's even more than you can feel for anyone else."
"I think I know what you mean. You love your daughter."
"Yeah, I love her," he shrugged off the word before continuing, "But it's so much. I think you have to be a parent to know what I mean."
"You don't think I know what love feels like?" she marveled, slightly offended but mostly surprised at the thought. Could he really not know how she feels about him? "Because I do," she said meaningfully, staring into his eyes. "I know what love is," she emphasized.
But he didn't pick up on the hint. He just tried to explain. "It's not like how I love my mom or whatever. It's love, sure, and it's pride because she's a part of me, you know? It's also this feeling like you'd do anything for her, to protect her, to show her that she's loved even if she has this fucked up family with 16-year-old parents and an adopted single mom. It's always there in my mind, she's always there."
"Always?" Rachel couldn't believe that he'd been feeling like this and she had no idea. He was glowing, lighting up as he spoke about Beth. It was astounding to witness his fervor.
"Yeah, sometimes it's stronger than others. Like when I see her, I just feel like I'm gonna burst. And then when I'm alone...I miss her all the time."
"Really?" Rachel felt so sad for him, and for herself. She felt very small and oddly alone as she looked into her boyfriend's beautiful eyes. She had the urge to curl up in a ball in her bed and cry her heart out for her unrequited love. But maybe she couldn't expect him to have the same level of feelings for her as he does for her daughter. He clearly cared for her. And she loved him even if he didn't quite love her back. So she just sat still and tried to be supportive of the boy she loved. "You miss Beth all the time?"
"Yeah, if I didn't have so much going on here, I'd probably go visit her just about every weekend."
"So...you don't visit her because of me?"
"No...well, kinda. School and shit too."
Rachel was stricken. Clearly she was a fool to think Noah could love her enough to choose her over Beth. Not that she wanted him to choose, but she didn't think it would be so hard for him to live his own life, to come with her to New York and just visit Beth during school breaks. But she supposed that moving to New York wasn't living his own life. It was following her as she lived hers. Now she was conflicted too.
Puck continued. "But I'll get to see Beth when I go to school there, and I won't get to see you then. So it's a trade. Plus it's so fuckin' expensive to drive the 3 hours there and 3 hours back. My truck's a gas guzzler."
"So I'm keeping you from Beth and you're keeping me from Broadway," Rachel realized out loud.
"No, we're not, that's thing!" He grabbed her shoulders excitedly. " It's just like we've said from the beginning. You see that, right?"
"From the beginning," she echoed. "Yes, I see that."
Puck felt a sense of relief to know that things were ok and they were back on track. It was pretty cool to actually say some of that stuff about Beth out loud. He hadn't really talked about it lately at all, and it felt awesome to get it all out there. Puck let go of her shoulders and clapped his hands together, rubbing them almost fiendishly. "Damn, I'm on a roll! Talking is better than I thought! What else do you wanna talk about?"
For once, Rachel thought she might be talked out. She felt drained and hollow. But seeing Noah so excited about something other than sex managed to warm her heart and prevent her from shutting down. She decided she should encourage his offer to talk, but she wanted to come up with something innocuous-she couldn't ask him how he felt about her after he'd just said how overwhelming his love for his daughter is. Obviously his feelings for her paled in comparison.
"Let's see...what is a topic we have been neglecting recently? ...How are you preparing for your music composition program? Have you been composing?" she asked.
And she was interested. Just not interested enough to pay complete attention as she struggled to keep her emotions in check.
...
Before Puck knew it, Rachel's dads were home. He'd wasted all that alone time just talking and hadn't even minded. Hell, he kinda liked it. Not as much as doing it, but still. He grinned as he leaned in for a kiss.
To Rachel, the transition from talking to kissing was sudden, but the look on his face as he closed the space between their lips was one she could never resist. Well, she had been able to resist it a few times in their history, but not without struggle. This time she gave in easily. He had apologized after all, and he actually opened up emotionally which she counted as progress. It was just a shame that his emotional outpouring was about Beth and not about her. She hated to be selfish about it, and worse still to be jealous of his love for his daughter. She just wished Noah had room in his heart to love his daughter and to love her.
She let her thoughts melt away with the softness of his lips and put all of her sadness and passion into her kiss.
"Whoa," Puck breathed when they pulled away at the sound of her dads climbing the stairs.
"Thank you," she blushed. "Should I ask if you can stay for dinner?"
"Nah, I won't push my luck with your dads," he shrugged.
He sounded surprisingly cheerful about it, but now that the memory of what her dads had said to him reached the front of her mind, Rachel was upset for him. She was definitely going to have a talk with them. "Perhaps that's best for now," she told Noah. "I'll fix things though."
Puck shook his head. "Don't bother."
Rachel frowned at his answer, and her dads opened her bedroom door with a quick knock.
"Rachel, Noah," Aaron nodded in greeting. Marshall stood behind Aaron with his arms crossed, peeking into the bedroom at the two fully-clothed teenagers.
"I was just leaving," Puck said.
Aaron and Marshall stepped aside to let him pass. "Have a good evening," Aaron said casually.
Rachel flashed him a look before turning to Noah. "I'll walk you out." She grabbed his hand and they walked downstairs together.
"G'night, babe," he said as he reached the front door.
"We'll talk more soon," she promised. She couldn't help but wrap her arms around him in a hug. And his hug in return was so...comforting. When he let go, she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him goodbye.
With a goofy grin on his face, he left.
In the back of his mind, he also thought that since just talking to Rachel could be so great, then maybe, maybe they could do that long distance thing she mentioned. Maybe. But he wasn't ready to say it. Not yet. He couldn't disappoint her again. He had to make sure he could really do it. Four years was like forever. He'd need to be able to get some action. And Rachel probably wouldn't be down with him having sex with other chicks while she was away.
Or would she?
Maybe she'd see the...logic or whatever. She was all progressive and non-traditional about some stuff right? He could almost see Rachel agreeing to an awesome plan that would let him get his fix in with girls in college 80% of the time, and then the other 20% of the time, Rachel would visit him and they'd have the best I-miss-you-so-much sex.
As his thoughts turned toward his future, Puck didn't think Rachel would say anything to her dads about the man-to-man-to-man talk.
He was wrong.
...
Immediately after shutting the door, Rachel stomped into the kitchen where her dads were perusing take-out menus.
"What are you in the mood to eat tonight, sweetie?" Aaron asked. Marshall held up the Breadstix menu and pointed to encourage her to choose the same.
Rachel just glared. "Don't sweetie me! We need to talk about what you said to Noah!"
"Can we order dinner first?" Marshall practically whined. "Daddy's starving."
"Fine," she relented. "Breadstix is fine. Please order my usual special order and meet me in the dining room," she huffed as she exited the kitchen.
Aaron and Marshall exchanged a look and prepared to obey.
...
Rachel fumed alone for several minutes and tried to gather her thoughts. The persistent texts she started receiving from Kurt did not help her focus. She sent him a message to say she would get back to him after dinner. In a clearly desperate attempt for attention, Kurt sent the most bizarre message.
"Puck asked Sam if u still want his bbs!"
Rachel was pleased with her memory of texting colloquialisms to recognize "bbs" as "babies" but she was puzzled after that. She first assumed the message said that Noah thought she wanted babies with Sam. But as soon as it crossed her mind, she realized that was simply ridiculous. Kurt's poorly constructed message did not aid her interpretation, but slowly she thought she understood. She stood up from the dining table just as her dads entered the room.
"Noah Puckerman is serious about me, and I'm serious about him, and I can't believe you would treat him so poorly!" she shouted. "But right now I have to talk to Kurt. Please excuse me, I'll be in my room." And without waiting for permission, she sailed by them and up the stairs.
They didn't stop her. Marshall grabbed his partner's hand. Aaron sighed heavily. "Just what we feared."
...
"Kurt, explain your message right now!" she said frantically into the phone.
"I thought that would get your attention," Kurt said with cool delight.
"Explain!" Rachel demanded.
"With pleasure. You recall what you said during your diva breakdown, right?"
She wanted to protest. "I disagree with your characterization of what happened, but I won't waste our time on that since I'll have to go eat dinner soon. I said several things this afternoon. Please be more specific."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You just wasted time to say all that. But anyway, yes, I'll remind you. Puck said something like You still wanna have my babies and you said something like No, not now you brute!"
"I did not say that! And those were terrible impressions of me and Noah!"
"Wasting time," Kurt reminded her.
"Please continue, Kurt," she said with impatient resignation.
"After you left and before Puck got permission from Schue to go after you, he turned to Sam." Kurt paused for dramatic effect and spoke right before he thought Rachel was about to nag him. "Puck asked Sam something like, Do ya think she means she doesn't wanna have my babies now cuz we're young or doesn't want 'em like ever?"
"Again, dreadful impression, but I'll forgive you since we both have a flair for the dramatic," she said primly. But inside her heart was beating rapidly. Noah was worried that she might not want to have his babies? That had to mean that he loved her and wanted to have a future beyond high school! So why did their conversation today focus on how they wouldn't stop each other from going their separate ways? Rachel's head was swimming.
"I have to add that Sam was pretty amused and called Puck on his hypocritical ways," Kurt said.
"Ok...?"
"So after Sam called him out and asked Puck if it really mattered if you want to have his babies since you two are breaking up after graduation...that's when Puck said No, it doesn't matter." Kurt decided to lay off the Puck impression for that one-too harsh.
"I see..." said Rachel as she tried to put everything together. "Thank you for telling me about this, Kurt."
"That's what best frenemies are for," he said breezily. Then he sounded excited. "So, what do you think you're going to do now that you know? Trap him with a Baby Berry and make him choose Baby Berry and Broadway or Baby Beth and Cleveland?"
"What? No! Of course not! That would never even occur to me!" At least not in the few seconds she had known about this information.
"First thing I thought of," Kurt admitted. "A fake Baby Berry, of course. Can't have a real baby and do Broadway, obviously, but Knucklehead wouldn't realize that."
"Hey, that knucklehead is the father of my fake baby!" Rachel joked. Then she decided to clarify. "I'm joking, Kurt," she said seriously. "Please do not assume from this conversation that I will now develop a pregnancy trap plan."
"Suit yourself," Kurt said dismissively. "So you're not going to do anything about it, are you?"
"Not yet. But you don't have to sound so disappointed."
"Fine, I'll attempt to feign excitement for your boring plan of dating until the end of the year and then breaking up. Ok? Here goes: Wow, Rachel, I'm so happy for you and your future-challenged relationship!"
"Kurt," she said, with the strain of hurt in her voice.
Kurt felt bad for his sarcastic response. He'd gone too far. "I'm sorry, Rachel. You're right. Getting preggo, even fake preggo, is not the answer," he admitted. He chuckled with chagrin. "It's sad that we know from experience, well observation, that neither babies nor fake babies keep a man. So fine, yes, my outlandish suggestion is definitely not the answer."
"No, it's not," she said firmly. Then she asked uncertainly, "But what is the answer?"
"I wish I knew," Kurt said sincerely.
"Me too," she whispered.
After a somber goodbye with Kurt, Rachel went downstairs to have dinner in contemplative silence.
...
Her fathers didn't know what to make of the missing argument they had been expecting. But wordlessly they decided to eat in peace rather than provoking the Wrath of Rachel.
...
As Rachel finished her dinner, she thought about how she had been delaying talking to Sam about his dilemma between Ohio State (Quinn) and a music school like Cleveland Institute of Music. She thought she should attempt to be a friend-she just wasn't sure if she should tell Sam what Shelby said in her email or if that was something Quinn should hear first. The information that Shelby regretted having no contact with her might help Quinn open up to the idea of living in Cleveland near Beth. Rachel wasn't sure if she actually wanted Quinn to decide to be with Noah and Beth in Cleveland, but Quinn probably deserved to know about Shelby's change of heart. Though she wasn't sure exactly what she would do or say, Rachel called Sam and asked if she could stop by his house.
He agreed immediately, gratefully anticipating some long-awaited advice.
On her drive, Rachel tried to plan what to say. She wanted to come up with a way to ask Sam about what happened in glee with Puck so she'd get a better idea what they meant when they talked about babies. But then she decided that was too self-serving. She should try to be a true friend to Sam and focus on his problem. Once she arrived and Sam showed her to his room, she just came right out with it.
"I have something to tell you, but I think it wouldn't be fair to tell you before Quinn. So I'd like to tell you together. Do you think she would come over?"
Sam was puzzled and curious. "Yeah, I'll ask her."
...
While they waited, they talked a bit about Sam's true concerns.
"I feel like everyone has these expectations of me, and nobody cares what I really want to do. My dad and Quinn both want me to go to OSU and play football. And yeah, that would be cool, but I'm not good enough for a scholarship or to be a starting QB. They don't really care what I major in or what I'll do with my life. Or what I want. I really think I want to do music, you know?"
She nodded and patted his hand gently. "I can almost relate to your situation, Sam," Rachel confessed. "My fathers have high expectations for me, but they are so rigid. They are so focused on me getting to Broadway that they see threats everywhere, like in my relationship with Noah. They even told him that he was a distraction for me!"
"Dude, that's harsh!" Sam replied with a whistle.
"I know! I wish they understood how I feel about Noah..." Rachel caught herself before she said more. She couldn't let Sam Evans hear her profess her love for Noah before Noah did. She also realized she had managed to turn the conversation back to her problems when she had intended to help Sam work out his.
Sam was happy to help Rachel with her problems with her dads. "Well, have you told your parents how you feel about him? And how that compares to your feelings about Broadway?" Sam asked.
"Yes, of course," Rachel responded automatically before realizing that was not the case. "Actually, maybe I haven't said the words exactly."
Sam nodded knowingly. "There ya go. So now you know what to do next. It's not your dads fault that they are stuck on their old idea that Rachel Berry loves Broadway and nothing else. You have to tell them."
Rachel nodded, embarrased.
Sam shrugged. "No worries. Of course if they still pull the same shit, I mean stuff, you'll at least know how they feel and maybe you can work against it to change their minds."
"Thanks, Sam. You're a very considerate friend."
Sam shrugged and ducked his head to hide his blush.
Rachel continued. "I just hope I can help you with what I have to tell Quinn."
...
When Quinn arrived she spotted Rachel immediately. "What is she doing here?" she asked with narrowed eyes.
"I have something to tell you," Rachel explained.
Quinn ignored her and glared at her boyfriend. "What is this about, Sam?"
"I just needed advice from someone trustworthy."
"And you picked Rachel Berry of all people?" she cried incredulously.
"Well, yeah," Sam shrugged. "I couldn't think of someone better who wouldn't stab you in the back."
Quinn was shocked. First by the thought that he picked Rachel to confide in. Second by the thought that he was probably right about the lack of choices. But she didn't tell him that. She couldn't admit it. Especially not in front of earnest-faced Rachel. So instead she said, "I have no idea why you would think Rachel wouldn't stab me in the back. She has a history of doing exactly that! She's quite the boyfriend-stealer, so watch out , Sam, she might be after you now!"
"Quinn," Rachel started but Sam beat her to it.
"This isn't about Finn Hudson. This is about us, and you, and Beth."
"What are you talking about?"
Rachel jumped in to describe what Shelby had written in her email. "I'll skip to the most pertinent parts." She read from the email:
"As I watch Beth grow, I think about you every day. Every day. I wish I would have made a different arrangement with your fathers from the start. I thought it would be better to forget, to leave you to your new family. I didn't realize how impossible that would be. I wish I hadn't given into my urge to go to extremes to track you down. But most of all, I wish I hadn't given into the fear and sadness. I wish I hadn't given up before we even had a chance.
...So while the message was meant for me, I think this is also for you in so many ways."
"Wow, Rachel," sputtered Sam. "Thanks for sharing that!"
Quinn couldn't deal with this. Not now. Not from Rachel freaking Berry. "Sam, isn't this our business together?" Her voice sounded raw-too revealing of her emotional turmoil about her daughter. She changed her stategy and lowered her voice to a sultry whisper. "Don't you want our first night away from home in college to be our first time?"
Rachel gasped. "You two haven't?" She stopped herself but it was too late.
Sam looked hurt and embarassed. Quinn looked furious.
"Of course you wouldn't understand our values!" Her lips curled with self-righteousness, and she was pleased to have a target to distract her from more troubling thoughts. "We're waiting until we're engaged so we'll guarantee that we're in a committed relationship." And any child that might be conceived would know she wasn't accident. Quinn thought it, but didn't speak the words. Instead she added, "And we're getting engaged after graduation."
Rachel gaped at her. Sam raised his eyebrow but didn't dare defend Rachel over Quinn, his future fiancé.
"I am not a slut," whispered Rachel without much conviction.
"Says the girl who came to the Celibacy Club just to talk about how much girls like sex so she could lure Finn away from me. You can't deny you were only there to steal my boyfriend," Quinn sneered.
This time Sam turned surprised eyes to Rachel.
She couldn't deny it. Rachel took her cue to leave. "Sam, I've said what I came to say. Good luck to you both with your college decisions. I'll show myself out."
And that's what she did. She didn't know what she was expecting: some dramatic realization and expression of gratitude by Quinn? Maybe. But a part of her was also relieved that it seemed like Quinn had no intention of being part of Beth's (and therefore, Noah's) life.
…
"I really messed up here, didn't I?" Sam asked sheepishly.
"Yeah, you did," Quinn nodded. But with Rachel gone, it was like a switched was flipped for Quinn. She melted from ice queen to a mess of tears. She stopped trying to hide it and just collapsed into Sam's arms.
"I just can't stand to be around her!" Quinn sobbed.
Sam held her helplessly.
He wasn't sure if she was talking about Rachel or Beth.
...
The next day, Rachel proceeded with her plan to offer to tutor Brittany. Fortunately for an emotional Rachel, Noah's conversation topics on the way to school consisted mostly of appropriate ways of broaching the subject with Brittany.
"You don't want to sound too..." he struggled to come up with the right word.
"Superior?" Rachel suggested flatly.
"Yeah! That's it! Don't do that!" he grinned and nudged her like they were sharing a joke.
Rachel forced a smile. She supposed they were sharing a joke.
She knew she needed to pull herself out of her pity-party, but she was having a hard time. Concentrating on something other than Noah and Beth (and Quinn) and her future seemed like the best way to get back on track. She went with a simple apology for her comments about Brittany's Juilliard audition and a direct offer to help her graduate high school.
For the next step, Rachel and Brittany decided to see Miss Pillsbury to find out which subjects Brittany needs the most help in to graduate. They saw a note on the guidance office door, apologizing for being unavailable for office hours, but promising she would return as soon as her meeting with the principal was finished.
"Should we just wait for Miss P outside the principal's office?" Brittany asked Rachel.
Rachel nodded resolutely. "Brittany, I like the way you think. This way we will be sure to be first in line to see Miss Pillsbury instead of allowing someone else to catch her with a sob story in the hallway. Your grades are more important."
"Totally," Brittany agreed.
But when they got to the Principal Figgins' glass-paned office, Rachel glimpsed a sight that made her blood run cold. She stopped and grabbed Brittany, jerking the tall blond around to face her (away from the glass). "Actually, it would be better if you write your name on Miss Pillsbury's note to prove you're first in line. Let's go!"
"Ok!" Brittany exclaimed, surprised by the sudden change-and tiny Rachel's strength.
Rachel tried to stop herself from shaking. Her view wasn't the best, but she was certain that she recognized the distinctive hair of Jacob Ben Israel. Jacob's mother, Jacob, Miss P, and Principal Figgins were all there, probably discussing Jacob's return to school? Rachel didn't want to be anywhere near him, not even long enough to protest his return to school. She knew that battle was a losing one because they had tried it when they first got the restraining order against him. But she could remind Miss Pillsbury and Principal Figgins about the standing demand that she never have any classes with him. Surely Miss Pillsbury remembered that. Rachel wouldn't be surprised if that's what they were discussing now: Jacob's classes and all of the people he had to avoid. He would definitely ask to avoid Noah.
Rachel wondered if she should tell Noah what she had seen. But immediately she acknowledged that she must have wanted to keep this a secret, otherwise she wouldn't have done everything in her power to prevent Brittany from spotting Jacob. Rachel certainly didn't want Noah to do anything reckless like hurt Jacob and end up losing his chances for college scholarships. Or worse, go to jail!
Maybe Noah would find out, but this was one time when she wasn't going to go out of her way to be honest.
"What now?" asked Brittany as she finished writing her name on the paper on the guidance office door.
"I'm not sure," Rachel said absently, answering the question for her own situation rather than Brittany's. Then she focused. "Let's just go to glee rehearsal. I'm sure Miss Pillsbury won't hesitate to interrupt Mr. Schuester to come meet with us."
...
Will turned from the whiteboard to face the students. He had written "Learn From Competition" on the board and was eager to get to today's lesson. Once he finally got the students' attention, he explained his idea.
"As those of you who have been in New Directions since the beginning know, we have competed against all girls choirs and all boys choirs in the past. We have a mixed group who can do what they can and more. So we're going to start working on some all-girls ensembles and all-boys ensembles that we may use in competition to precede a thunderous mixed number!" He clapped his hands together with excitement.
Kurt raised his hand. "Mr. Schue, forgive me for being blunt, but those other groups our larger than we are. Any single gender ensemble group we could form would be cut in half and sound weak in comparison to the likes of the Warblers, for example."
"Thank you for your opinion, Kurt," Will said as patiently as he could manage. "But we're doing these exercises. They will help build you all up vocally so that you'll sound stronger."
Kurt looked skeptical but didn't argue. He just crossed his arms and waited to be assigned to the ill-fitting boys group.
Mr. Schue went on with his battle of the sexes plan, recycled and repackaged each year.
"You pick the song you want to perform next week," Will told the class. "And today we'll do some vocal exercises to work the male range and the female range separately.
The students groaned. They hated boring vocal exercises. Will gave up early and let them break into groups to pick their songs. "How about we make this interesting?" he ventured. "You pick the song in the next 10 minutes. The first to choose and perform gets 10 points. The second team can earn 10 points by providing a stellar performance."
"And what do the points give us?" Santana asked perfunctorily. "If both groups get 10 points each, then there's no winner. So what's the point?
"Uh..." Will wasn't prepared to make up points or answer questions about them. "The purpose of the points will be revealed at the end of the year!" he finished with flourish.
Puck realized he was waiting for Rachel to say something to brown-nose to Schue about his points and rallying the girls to win all the points or whatever. But she didn't say a word. And that made Puck suspicious. Or concerned. Or both.
She was probably still mad at him, and he couldn't really blame her.
So when Sam suggested a song about fucking up, Puck agreed right away. He didn't really give the other guys a chance to disagree. He was kinda surprised Kurt didn't say something snarky about the choice.
But Puck didn't know that Kurt had his own reasons for thinking a song about messing up could be cathartic to sing. Kurt still hadn't told Blaine about his brief friendly encounter with Dave Karofsky, and he was finally starting to think that Rachel was right when she said honesty was best.
So with no major arguments, Puck shouted, "We've got our song! When do we perform?"
"As soon as you can pull your performance together," Will said, surprised that Noah Puckerman was so...enthusiastic about participating.
"Then we'll do it at the end of rehearsal," Puck declared.
The rest of the guys scrambled. The girls were shocked-by the boys' initiative and by Rachel's silence on the whole situation.
Mercedes nudged Rachel. "Girl, why aren't you whipping us all into a competitive frenzy?"
Tina nodded. "Yeah, Rachel, it's not like you to let the boys win. Is something wrong?"
Rachel shrugged. "I just don't see the importance of this internal competition that has no bearing on our futures, or well, anything."
The other girls exchanged glances.
"Wow, she's finally gone all the way past crazy," Santana said, breaking the awkward silence. She was kind of pleased to see Little Miss Goody Two Shoes tone it down a few notches. But it was also weird, like really weird to see Rachel Berry apathetic like that.
Brittany leaned over to whisper to Santana, "I have no idea what she said, but it's really depressing."
Santana put her arm around Brittany and told her not to worry about it.
Quinn sighed, "Let's just come up with some songs, ok?"
They all nodded. But Rachel's sullen behavior was really having an odd effect on Brittany, who kept squirming and biting her nails. Santana couldn't take it. She grabbed Rachel by the arm.
"Come with me now," she whispered through gritted teeth as she dragged the girl out to door and into the first restroom.
"What the hell, Berry? Can't you pull yourself together and act like your usual annoying self?"
With Rachel's wince, Santana realized she hit a nerve and instantly remembered what Puck had said about Rachel yesterday. "This is about Puckerman, isn't it?" she asked in a slightly less harsh tone.
A barely perceptible nod was all she got from Rachel.
"I get it," Santana admitted. "I'm sure I'd be pissed too. But it's hard to stay mad at him 'cause you know he's always going to be an idiot about something every other day or so. That's just the way he is," she said in the most comforting way she could stand.
Rachel was taken aback by the sincerity. And then she was more honest than she probably should have been. "Yes, but it's frustrating when I put in so much energy into this relationship, and I don't even know if he..." Rachel trailed off when she finally realized who she was talking to and what she was saying.
"Whose fault is that really? Is it really all his fault?" she asked in a rather patronizing tone.
"W-what do you mean?"
"If you don't tell him the truth, the whole truth about your feelings, and if you don't ask him about his, then he can't respond."
The sound of sincerity was back in Santana's voice, but Rachel didn't know how to react. "Shouldn't he just tell me if he loves me?" Rachel reasoned defensively.
"Maybe," Santana shrugged. "But isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"
Rachel opened and closed her mouth. She didn't have much of a retort for that one. "It's not the same."
"Isn't it?"
"I've given so many hints!"
"Puck's not the brightest. And he's not the bravest. Not when it comes to rejection, at least," Santana pointed out.
"You're right." Rachel had to concede that Noah Puckerman seemed impervious to emotional damage, but actually he was easily wounded and seemed to avoid putting himself in vulnerable positions.
"Do you think you can go back in there and stop bringing my girl Brittany down?" Santana asked relatively gently.
"I will do my best to avoid being annoying and depressing."
"That's the spirit!" Santana exclaimed as she grabbed Rachel's elbow. But this time she linked arms with the irritating but slightly sympathetic girl.
A faint smile played on Rachel's lips as they entered the choir room together.
While the girls struggled to come up with and agree on songs-with minimal input from Rachel, the boys pulled together a decent performance. Luckily, the band members on standby know just about every song by heart.
"We'll be performing Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons," Sam told Mr. Schue.
"And it's dedicated to Rachel," Puck added, searching Rachel's eyes.
"And to Quinn," Sam huffed at Puck for stealing his idea.
"Wait a minute, guys," Will said. "I know that song. There's some inappropriate language that-"
"No worries, Mr. Schue," Finn assured him. "We're doing the radio version."
"Oh, ok. go ahead."
So the two boys with the most apologizing to do took the main leads, while the other boys harmonized.
Weep for yourself, my man
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own headBut it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother
Or else spend your days biting your own neckBut it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really messed it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
As soon as they finished, Puck stood in front of the group. "Everyone here should know that I ...am ...a jerk," he stumbled over a word that wouldn't get him kicked out by Schue. Jerk was the closest to Dick or Asshole or whatever that he could come up with. He went on, "And I was a jerk to Rach yesterday, but it was really because it just sucks that we're graduating soon, and...yeah." Puck finished awkwardly but with that vulnerable approval-seeking look that made Rachel leap from her seat with tears springing in her eyes.
She thought for a second he was going to romantically declare his love for her in front of everyone.
Kurt had the same thought, but he slowly lowered his hand from his heart when no such declaration came.
Rachel wouldn't let herself be too disappointed. She thought about what Santana said. She couldn't expect too much. And what he had said in front of the class was so heartfelt.
She decided she was going to tell him. She was going to say I love you. If she could find the perfect moment.
But for now she just hugged him and whispered "Thank you."
The praise Schue gave the guys and the announcement of the girls song choice for next time barely registered for Puck. He was too focused on Rachel. And the idea of taking her back to his place. That urge grew stronger when Rachel bit her lip in her adorable nervous habit and said, "Your performance was lovely, but I can't wait to get out of here."
Puck grinned.
"I wish we could go someplace besides my house," she whispered. "I'm so angry at my dads."
"S'no big deal," Puck shrugged. "I don't mind rubbing it in their faces that we're together." But then he remembered his sister had some after school practice or something and his mom was working the night shift at the hospital. "Babe! We can go to my house tonight! We'll totally have a few hours alone! If you want..."
"I want," she confirmed with a genuine smile.
...
Rachel seemed more anxious than usual on the drive to house, but Puck chalked it up to being super-hot-and-bothered and ready to reward him.
She was actually trying to come up with a way to make the moment perfect for an exchange of I love you's, but that brought on feelings that weren't too far from what Puck assumed.
When they entered his room and he held her tightly as they kissed, she knew she wouldn't have to think about finding the perfect moment. It would happen naturally. He was so tender yet passionate, she knew that the finale of their love making would be the perfect time when both of their hearts would be full with their emotions and desire for each other.
Puck was so damn grateful that Rachel was going to keep forgiving him for screwing up, that he vowed to himself to give her the best orgasm ever without even using his cock. He'd make it about her, not about him.
But when she begged him for it, for him to be inside of her, he couldn't deny her request, obviously.
She tightened around him deliciously.
He filled her up perfectly.
They came together, shuddering, and he lay spent on top of her for a few moments before rolling over to enjoy the sight of her gorgeous naked body next to him.
Rachel was breathless after this soul-racking climax. She took several minutes of silence before she was able to think coherently. By then, she heard his rhythmic breathing next to her.
"Noah, are you falling asleep?"
"Yeah, babe," he mumbled.
"But I need you to be awake!" She exclaimed in disappointment. "I have to t-"
Puck interrupted her with a sleepy, "Mmm, I see." He smirked, eyes still closed. "You want some more? Give me some time to sleep, and I promise that when you wake me up I'll give it to you so good."
Rachel sighed and turned away from him, but nestled her body against his and enjoyed the comfort she felt when he put his arm around her even though he was half-asleep.
"I'll give you time," she whispered. "But we can't stay like this forever."
...
A.N. I'm going out of town before Thanksgiving for work, but I'm hoping to actually do some writing during Thanksgiving break, so we'll see how it goes. Hopefully sometime shortly after Thanksgiving Day I'll be able to update! And now that I'm posting this chapter, I'll work on my message replies!
Contest question: Which Glee regular had a major role in a recent movie with an actress who also worked with Kristen Bell? The winner will be the first one to answer with the name of the Glee star, Movie, and Actress!