Chapter 25: Oh Pretty Ponies!

After arriving back at Colony House I decided to stay for a while before heading back to Hogwarts to pick up the assignments that needed grading over the weekend. Once Mom's things had been settled into the spare bedroom I made my way to the kitchen where Melody and Mom were sitting at the kitchen table looking over the diet that Healer Berfic had owled over. Apparently, from Mom's face, it wasn't very good.

"Hank, have you seen this?" Mom brandished the parchment at me as if it was a rather sternly worded letter about her azaleas or something. "This has to be the worst diet in the world. No way to nourish a mother and a baby."

I sat down and took off my glasses. "I'm sure you can improve on it, Mom. After all, all of us kids were fine, right? And didn't you say when Jennifer was pregnant that the two of you ignored the diet Jen's obstetrician sent over?"

"Oh yes, that was pathetic as well." Mom patted Melody on the hand. "Don't worry, I'm here and I haven't been able to really cook for a while."

I looked over at her, confused. "What do you mean, Mom?"

"Well." Mom rolled her eyes. "Your father is on this new, special diet. Our doctor says it's specifically tailored to men in their 'golden years' but it's really because your dad is getting fat. All low-call this, fat-free that, tastes like crap. He's playing along when he's in the house but I found fast food wrappers in the trunk of his car the other day."

I shook my head. "Does the doctor know he's fighting a losing battle? Dad's never going to give up the food he loves."

"Just like someone I know won't give up smoking?" Mom gave me a stern look. "I saw the pipes in the office when I got here with the AAB agent."

"Oh man!" I sighed. "I'm going almost forty. Let me enjoy something."

Mom picked up her empty teacup and stood up. She patted Melody's belly and winked at me. "Oh, I think you do, Henry."

Melody turned about ten shades of red as her mouth dropped open.

"Mom!" I watched her head to the stove to get the kettle and then looked quickly over to Mel. "Why don't we call your mom and just get it over with. Why not just get all the embarrassment over at once?"

The next week at Hogwarts went along smoothly. My seventh years were starting the preparation for their NEWT exams in earnest, my other classes were going along well and I didn't receive any more urgent requests for anything from the Aurors. On Friday morning I sat down next to Neville and Cho at breakfast as usual, but in an unusually good mood. I'd received a letter from Mel the day before that said that my Mom was not only cooking everything not on the list but had also accompanied Molly one day on a visit to Ginny. From Mel's comments it appeared that only my Mom saved Molly from hearing another earful from Ginny. Well, that and a pan of freshly baked giant cinnamon rolls. I was going to St. Mungo's again later that day, so I'd see Melody and hear how the bump was "cooking" according to Healer Berfic.

"Hank, are you ok today?" Neville gave me an odd look. "I've been eating breakfast next to you for years, and I know you're not a morning person."

I chuckled. "Normally, you're right, but it's just hitting me funny. He's almost here, and I can't wait. Good thing I'm a man, I don't know if I could do the whole pregnancy thing. I wouldn't be that irritable and crazy…" I quickly looked over to Cho. "Sorry, that didn't come out like…" Cho looked irritable, which confused me. Usually she just gave me a hard time about my more stupid comments. "Come on, Cho, you know what I meant."

She looked over at me, and then leaned over to Neville. "If you two say anything I will turn you into…something horrible."

I held up my hands. "Seriously, Cho, come on, I was joking."

She sat down her fork and looked me directly in the eyes. "Yes, well thank you for reminding me of how much fun I'm about to have. Mike and I are expecting."

"Holy shit!" I hugged her. "That's great! So when will the future little Greene arrive?"

Cho's voice was flat. "January. Right in the middle of the year."

Uh-oh. Right in the middle of classes. "I'm sure you'll have a great substitute, Cho. Don't worry."

She got up abruptly. "We all can't schedule our babies in the summer like you. Or have someone else do the work while you teach."

After she left I looked over to Neville. "There's no way I was going to come out looking good in that conversation, was there?"

Neville thought for a moment. "No, I don't believe so. Let me change the topic before we say something to get us into more trouble…"

"Nev, she left."

"Better safe than sorry, Hank. So, Hogsmeade Swearing Party on Saturday, right? Who's helping this year?"

"Yeah, Saturday. Petal said she'd help this year, thought it was a good idea. Don't have to worry about someone trying any magic on me with her about."

I arrived at St. Mungo's for the appointment, but this time Melody was waiting for me, as well as Mom. I gave Mel a quick kiss and sat down. "So, how was your week?" Before Melody could answer Mom lit into me.

"Henry Aaron! A party for your students because of your bad language? You're teaching children, for God's sake. Show some restraint!"

"I thought you knew about the party, Mom?" I looked over to Melody. "It's not as bad as it was the first year. Right?"

Mom wouldn't let Mel answer. "You are so much like your grandmother." She turned to Melody. "Did you know he could cuss like a sailor almost from the moment he started talking? My mother, God rest her soul, did not have the most polite language. I knew letting her watch the kids when I was running the catering company was a bad idea, but it was free child care. I'm looking to you to break the trend."

"Boyd?" A Healer stood at the door with a clipboard."

"That's our cue." I stood up and pulled Melody out of the chair, leaving Mom to fume about my language. I couldn't resist having a little fun, though, so I turned to Mom. "Don't worry; when he gets here I won't say shit. Much. Well, every fucking now and then."

Melody pinched my arm but I ignored it. Once we were in the examination room Melody got on the table thing and I sat in the chair next to her. "So really, how was your week with Mom?"

"It was actually a lot of fun. I didn't have to do anything, she wouldn't let me. Mum came over one day for tea and the two of them chattered on like a pair of squirrels. And the food! It's a no wonder your father is gaining weight, it's all so good and so fattening."

"So you've ignored the diet, then." Healer Berfic stood in the doorway with her little clipboard. "You'll pay for it after the baby gets here, harder to get back to your regular size. Your choice."

I stifled a laugh, as I knew actually laughing out loud would go over like a lead balloon. With the diet thing out of the way Healer Berfic did her regular examination things, but it was when she asked Melody the question about contractions that I snapped to attention.

"Mel? Did you say you've had contractions? You didn't tell me that."

"They're far apart and not very strong, Hank. You mum was there and told me about her four pregnancies, and my mum also told me not to worry. They're too far apart to get worried about."

"Quite right, Mrs. Boyd." Healer Berfic took out her quill and jotted a few things down on her clipboard. "You know when they get closer together, and more intense, to come to St. Mungo's. Now, since you obviously haven't listened to my advice about nutrition, please tell me you haven't been Apparating?"

Saturday morning I woke up later than I'd planned, as I had to head into Hogwarts to meet the students for the walk into Hogsmeade, the traditional start of the Swearing Party, so I wasn't in the best mood. I hate being hurried, as it throws me off. Luckily, though, the kitchen held wonderful smells. When I walked in Melody was sitting in her dressing gown at the kitchen table while Mom was in full command of breakfast. I sat down and Melody pushed over a cup of tea.

"I know you slept in late so I won't ask how you're doing this morning, but I think you'll be fine after this."

I nodded. "Thanks, love. You do know how much tea helps."

She shook her head. "Oh no, not tea. Just wait."

After taking a sip of tea and trying to become human I realized exactly what she meant, as Mom began serving a breakfast that was to die for. Fruit, some sort of breakfast quiche thing with sausage and cheese, bacon and that was alongside about everything else you could possible ask for. After a few bites I looked over to Mel. "No wonder you chucked the diet."

Mom sat down with a cup of coffee and pushed a small box over to me. "Molly sent this over for you. I know it's not breakfast food but I thought I should give it to you now since I won't be here when you get home today. Hermione Weasley has invited me over to tea and then we're going to visit her parents."

I opened the box and saw some of Molly's best fudge. "Oh hell yes! Hey, fudge has milk in it, right? Milk's a breakfast thing." I took out a piece and popped it in my mouth, savoring the taste. "Mmmm."

Melody smiled at me, and then at Mom, but I just chalked it up to the fact that I was eating fudge at breakfast and making 'Hank noises' as Mel called the sounds I make when eating really good food. I was wrong, though. I went to take a sip of tea and accidentally knocked the teacup over. "Oh fluffy bunnies!"

Melody and Mom began laughing uproariously. I took a look at them. "Fluffy bunnies? What the balloon?" Balloon? "Holy pancake, what is going on?"

At that point Mom was laughing so hard she was crying, and when I looked over at Mel, she actually snort-laughed. Finally when Mom could compose herself she explained.

"I was talking to Molly Weasley the other day, and George was over at The Burrow talking about his new products, so she came up with a little recipe that we decided to try. There's something magical in the fudge that won't allow you to curse, Hank. I hope your students will enjoy that at their little Swearing Party."

I watched Melody clean up my tea mess with her wand. What the hell, I wasn't that bad, right? "This is stupid, I'm not that bad. I mean, really, it's not like I cuss all the time. Sure, I say a few bad words, but pixies…"

That set my wife and my mother to laughing again, so I gave up and took a shower. When I left to go to Hogwarts they were still laughing at me.

After arriving at Hogwarts and marshalling the students into a somewhat decent group, I told Petal that I would take the lead and she could handle the stragglers, which worked perfectly for her. I was half way towards Hogsmeade when Lavinia and Willy caught up with me. So far I'd been able to avoid saying any swear words, as if it got out that I couldn't actually cuss I'd never hear the end of it. "So, how are you two this morning?"

"We're fine, Hank, er, Professor." Lavinia held Willy's hand and walked along the path. "How's Melody?"

"She's fine, especially as Mom's been cooking up a storm. I told you that my Mom's at Colony House, right?"

"Yes, you did." Willy nodded. "Muggle Club."

"Right. Well, with my mom and Melody's mom about she's been well taken care of."

"Professor Muggle!" Poesy waved at me and sort of jogged over. "When it comes to the shop, George said that he's topped last year's stuff. Just want to warn you, stay away from the Language Lemon Drops."

"Language Lemon Drops?" I was confused. "Are those new? What do they do?'

Poesy laughed. "Well, they'd make the Swearing Party a lot cheaper for you, that's what. They make it so you can't say swear words. We've got some other ones, though, the Swearing Sweets, that aren't on the market yet. George said it would be funny to have six year olds that sound like you when someone's done something in class, but he doesn't want too many angry mums."

"Oh pretty ponies!" I shook my head.

"Pretty ponies?" Poesy took one look at me and began laughing hysterically. "Pretty ponies, that's hilarious! Come on, say something else."

I glanced at Lavinia and Willy, but it was useless; they were laughing as well."

"Go on, I'll meet y'all at the first stop. I need to go have a word with George. Stupid kitten."

The next day and, to be honest, the entirety of the next week was like waiting for Christmas or my birthday when I was a kid. I knew it was coming up and I couldn't wait, and like back then I found it hard to concentrate on pretty much anything else. Some mysteries were cleared up, however. George had confessed during the Swearing Party excursion to his shop that he'd concocted up the new "language line" after hearing Molly and my mom talk about my horrible language, and had done some "cooking" with Molly at The Burrow. The only good thing to come out of that conversation was that I'd given him an idea of temporary language boosts, especially for Aurors in foreign countries; pop in an Italian flavored sweet and for a good two hours you were fluent in Italian.

Besides that, though, it was grading papers and preparing for finals, in more ways than one. The days were dwindling until Hieronymus would finally be here. My family, well, Dad, Nate and Lavender, would be over here, along with all of the craziness that was bound to follow. Even the Friday appointment at St. Mungo's with Healer Berfic added to the expectations, as it was more of the usual. Everybody was waiting. More importantly, though, when Mel and I went home to Colony House after the appointment someone was waiting for us. Actually, me. As soon as we Flooed back from St. Mungo's there was a knock on the door.

I peeked through the little hole in the door, surprised at who was there. I opened the door immediately.

"Professor, I hope I haven't arrived at an inopportune moment." Draco Malfoy stood at my front door, looking as if he'd just spent the last three weeks sleeping in a muddy ditch.

"Draco! No, come on in."

As Draco entered the house I saw Melody's eyebrows raise and her expression darken. An unexpected visit from Draco, especially looking like that, couldn't be wonderful news.

"I'll put on the kettle for you two." Melody gave me a look as she walked by and I knew she wasn't happy.

"We'll be in my office, Mel." I took a deep breath and motioned for Draco to follow. Once we were seated, and before I could say anything, Draco launched into it.

"Professor, I apologize for my untidy appearance. I have just returned from an extended excursion in the less-travelled areas in Louisiana, specifically the wilder areas surrounding New Orleans. Since Cassandra Palliurum's apprehension I have been seeking out the practitioners of what you initially classified as voodoo. As I thought it is not the type of magic portrayed in the movies and popular ephemera of the Muggles, but something older and darker. To clarify exactly what it entails would take entirely too much time. Suffice it to say that the Ministry will be very eager to comprehend my findings."

The office door opened and Melody entered, tea items arranged on a platter. She sat them down on my desk.

"Thank you, Melody. It has been quite a long time since I have had a proper cup of tea." Draco gave her a grateful smile. "Your due date is very soon, is it not?"

"Yes, in two weeks." Melody put her hand on her lower back. "Can't come soon enough. I'll leave you two; I believe it's time for a nap."

Before she left Mel gave me a sideways glance to know that yes, even though she'd brought us tea, she still wasn't thrilled about Draco's presence. "Let me know if you need anything, Mel." After she left I took a sip of tea and looked over to Draco. "I'm not sure I follow you. We've already caught Cassandra. Why did you need to go back to New Orleans?"

"A combination of questions that had not been resolved, specifically the whereabouts of the remaining Muggle Studies professors, as well as what kind of magic the WLF may be employing. Cassandra's ability to utilize…I will use voodoo as the term for ease of comprehension…her ability to wield that type of magic was frightening. If someone as limited in magical education such as Cassandra can employ that level of skill, what would it be like facing someone with magical competence, not to mention training?"

I nodded. "I get it. Need to know what the Aurors and everybody else will be up against, that kind of thing?"

Draco took a sip of tea and nodded. "Yes, that's precisely it."

"Then why stop by here? Don't get me wrong, Draco, I'm glad you stopped by, haven't had a chance to talk to you in ages, but…"

"I'm sorry, Hank, but once again your name has come up. Specifically, your books. It seems each group wants to twist your works to lend credence to their agendas. The WLF, obviously, views your books as an affront to all "true wizards." The Wand Children see your writing as an example of how Muggles and the wizarding world can live in harmony. WHAM views your books as a secret code, an underground attempt at providing the truth about the magical world through fiction."

"Fiction? It's not fiction!" I shook my head. "If it was fiction I wouldn't have written so many embarrassing things about myself. I would have been…well, not like that. Fuck me. Fiction."

"Cassandra is quite the gardener. She simply planted some seeds and let the groups grow, letting their own desires and prejudices feed the situation. I believe she intended the incident in Ireland to be a harvest, of sorts." He took another sip of tea and leaned back in the leather chair. "As for the missing professors, I believe that initially she only intended to use them as bait to draw in all the interested parties, but if my findings are any indication that has gone somewhat off the tracks. A very small part of me feels sorry for her."

"What? Sorry for her? Draco, we know she's killed at least two Muggles, not to mention setting up the whole clusterfuck in Ireland that caused even more deaths and injuries. How the hell can you feel sorry for her?"

"She has always been at odds with everything in her life. Born a witch but denied any possible understanding of her abilities, confused when accidental magic happened, shunned by Muggles due to her differences…and then in one swift moment realizing that all of that had been purposely hidden from her. Part of both worlds but never understanding them fully, never integrated or accepted. A lost soul."

I sat back in my chair and copied Draco's silent demeanor. It all reminded me of what Ron had said a while back, not to mention the fact that Cassandra said we were a lot alike, the two of us. It didn't make sense to me. "Draco, I know that it sucked for her, not knowing, having things hidden, not to mention her family history. Sorry, I know you're ok with me talking about it but it still feels weird, how you two are related. Distantly, really distantly, but still. She had a choice on how to react when she found out, just like she had a choice when she read my book. She just got lost in her own anger and hate, that's how I see it."

Draco lowered his eyes for a moment and then looked at me rather intently. "Yes, she is a lost witch, that is for certain." He sat his teacup on my desk and stood up abruptly. "I apologize once again for arriving unexpected and in such condition. I felt you should know, especially as your baby will arrive shortly, that you still remain a target to those groups. I would suggest taking additional precautions. Actually, I will mention that to Weasley when I brief him of my findings. Please extend my appreciation to Melody for your hospitality."

Shortly after Draco left the door to my office opened, revealing Spit wagging his butt at me. I reached down and petted him, causing him to bark several times. "Listen, you sawed-off crazy dog, if you wake her up you're dealing with it, not me."

"Don't blame the dog, Hank." Melody stood at the doorway. "Now why was Draco Malfoy here and why did he look so horrible?"

I winced. "I'll tell you, but you aren't going to like it."

She lowered herself into one of the big leather chairs. "What else is new?"

Sunday morning started with the covers being pulled off of me while sleeping. After saying a few choice words I tried to roll over and go back to sleep but that plan was soon gone as a bunch of cold water was thrown on me. "Fucking hell! What the…" I looked up and there, grinning like idiots, were my brothers.

"I thought he'd cuss more." Ted looked over to Nate. "Disappointing."

Nate shrugged. "He's getting old. Just be glad he doesn't sleep in the nude."

I sat up and found several rather wet parts of my bed. "You fuckers. Melody's going to kill you. That's her side of the bed."

I was waved off by Nate. "Shut up, she's a witch, she'll fix it in like two seconds. Put on something dry and get out here, Mom's going crazy."

"Oh yeah, there's enough to feed an army." Ted winked at me. "Or maybe your wife for an hour."

I threw pillows at them. "Assholes. Get out. And I'm telling Melody you said that!" After they left I sat there in my soggy bed for a few moments, realizing exactly what was happening in my house. Since Ted and Nate woke me up, that had to mean that everybody was out there with Melody. At least she had food, so I didn't feel too bad. Oh crap; if my idiot brothers had to wake me up, how long had they been at my house?

I threw on my robe, grabbed my glasses and headed out to the kitchen, not really caring what I looked like. After all, it was my family there, and they'd seen me look lots worse. As soon as I made my way in there I realized that Ted was right, Mom was cooking like it was going out of style as there was stuff everywhere. Two people were reading the newspaper at the table, pages in front of their faces, so I took that to be my brother-in-law John and my dad. I sat down in an empty chair next to them.

"Good morning, Henry. Tea or coffee?" Mom stood over my shoulder wearing an apron.

"Um, I think coffee today. Cream and a lot of sugar."

The newspaper on my right side went down suddenly. "It'd take more than a lot of sugar to make you sweet, I'm afraid."

"Oh fucking hell. George, what are you doing her so damned early?"

George Weasley shook his finger at me. "Not a good idea, you know I could make the anti-swearing thing appear in all sorts of food or drink. Sure you don't want tea this morning?"

The second newspaper was also down and thankfully it wasn't another Weasley, it was my dad. "Stick with the coffee, Hank. I don't trust him."

I watched Dad look over at George and blatantly wink. Fuck. "I changed my mind; I'll just have some orange juice."

A few moments later Jennifer sat down some orange juice in front of me and bonked me on the back of the head with her hand. "We come all this way and not even a hello?"

"Blame Nate and Ted, Jen. Do you know how they woke me up?"

After Nate and Ted got an earful from Melody, Mom and Jen we all finally settled down for breakfast. After all the plates were filled I looked over to George. "So what are you doing over here, really?"

"Ah, yes, besides potentially cleaning up your language? Ron owled me last night and asked me to come do some precautions, wards and such. I had just arrived when your family showed up, and then your mum said something about breakfast, so…" George took a big forkful of eggs and shoveled them into his mouth with a smile.

I looked across the table to Melody, but she was busy chatting with my sister Jen. I leaned over to talk to Dad. "What time did y'all get here?"

"Oh, let's see." Dad looked at his watch. "I'd say about two hours ago, give or take."

Before I could answer I heard the Floo indicating that someone else had arrived. As we all looked toward the living room I heard him first, and he didn't sound happy.

"George, I just Flooed right in here, no problem at…oh." Ron stood still, surprised at the number of people in the kitchen. "Oh, Mrs. Boyd, are those cinnamon rolls?"

Mom walked by and stuck a plate in Ron's hand. "Yes, Ron, and it's the cream cheese frosting. Care for some breakfast?"

"Oh, I'm afraid Ronnie's watching his weight. Just a bit of fruit and tasteless cereal for him."

Before Ron could answer I heard a knock on the front door, followed by Spit's alarmed barking. I got up from the table and looked over to Ron. "If it's another Weasley I'm going to…" I waved at him and then opened the door, relieved to see Harry standing there in his Auror robes.

He reached down to pet Spit and then looked up apologetically. "I'm sorry, Hank. This won't take long."

I rolled my eyes. "No problem, Harry. Come on in. I'm sure Mom can feed you, too."

As Harry and I walked into the kitchen George laughed. "It's not a Weasley, Hank, it's a half-Weasley."

"Sorry?" Harry gave me an odd look.

"Never mind. Welcome to the Colony House Bed and Breakfast."

Once all the appropriate wards and whatnot had been activated George, Harry and Ron left the house, leaving just my family. As Ted and Nate did dishes the Muggle way as penance for waking me up with ice-cold water I finally had a chance to visit with everybody else. Melody and I took the sofa, and she leaned up against me as I put my arm on the back of the sofa.

"So Jen, where are the munchkins? And where's Candice? Are they already here or are they coming later?"

Jen shook her head. "The kids are getting old enough that we wouldn't be able to say they're just making stuff up about magic anymore. When they're older we can let them know. Candice is home with Chip, as she and Ted thought it would be too much interruption to his schedule."

"Plus he's definitely in the terrible twos." Dad chuckled. "I feel sorry for Candice but it serves Ted right."

"Tom!" Mom shook her head. "He's not that bad, and neither was Ted."

I laughed. "No, that was Nate. So, where's everybody staying? I think we've got enough room here."

"Well, I have to be here, orders." Lavender gave me an apologetic look. "Part of your protection."

Protection? Oh yeah. Right. Fuck. At least having Lavender as a sister-in-law had its advantages. "If you're sort of working then no soundproofing spells."

"Soundproofing?" Mom looked at me oddly. "Why would Lavender need soundproofing spells? She's a witch, Hank."

As Lavender began to blush slightly I looked over at John and he was chewing the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. I figured I'd better stay on Lavender's good side. "Um, so that way Lavender and Nate could sleep without hearing Spit bark. You know how he is with Churchill and Virgil."

"I'm sure we'll all make do, noisy dog or not, Hank." Mom nodded. "We'll be just fine. We'll stay out of your way as much as possible. Just remember we're here to help." She reached over and touched Melody on the leg. "And it doesn't matter what it is or what time, remember that."

I felt Mel exhale deeply next to me. She didn't say anything for a while, which made me worried. "Mel, what's wrong?"

"Contraction."

"Holy shit. How far apart?" I moved around to look at her. "Since…"

She shook her head. "First one in a long time. Don't worry about me; I'll let you know when it's time." She looked over to Mom. "Thank you, Karen. I can use the help, especially for the party on Saturday."

Party on Saturday? What was she…oh bloody hell. I leaned back into the sofa and put my head on the back. "Muggle Club party. I forgot."

"Muggle Club?" Ted walked into the living room, drying his hands with a dishtowel. "What's that?"

"That's when all of the students in Hank's club about Muggles, you and me, dear, come have a party." Mom looked pleased with herself. "I'm looking forward to it."

I shook my head. "Maybe I should have it at the beginning of next year, this is a bad time. Hieronymus is almost here, y'all are here for a visit…"

"Hieronymus?" Ted started laughing. "You're naming the kid Hieronymus? Are you…"

I saw Jen trying to wave off Ted, but Mom beat me to it, explaining why we'd chosen the name. As I watched everything unfold I realized that if I actually made it to the due date without going crazy or something similarly stupid it would be a minor miracle.