Disclaimer: I was thinking of calling the guys at ABC, and work out a deal, but I couldn't get the number. So, I still don't own OUAT.
Water...I can't breathe...trapped...No!
My eyes fly open, but in my mind I'm still in my nightmare. I'm still drowning in the black, dark water.
Breathe! Get out of the water, get away from Pan, breathe!
I'm suddenly aware that I'm screaming, but I have no idea how if I'm underwater. But, I'm still in the darkness, so I still must be drowning. Maybe the screams are in my head.
I hear a scraping sound, and fire light fills the room.
No, not a room. A cave. Bae's cave.
How is that possible? I still can't breathe...
"Jess? Jess?"
I see Bae running to me and crouching down beside me, gently cupping my face in his hands.
"Look at me, Jess," he says over my screams. "Look at me."
My eyes lock with his, and I stop screaming. But this does nothing to convince me that I'm not still drowning.
"It's alright," says Bae, soothingly. "It's okay. It was just a nightmare. You're safe."
Safe. Once, I had to be careful to never feel safe. Now, all I want to feel is safe.
I shake my head, as if denying what he's saying.
How can I be safe? I'm trapped here on the island. How am I supposed to ever feel safe again?
"No," I whisper. "No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are," Bae insists. "I'm going to take care of you. You're going to be okay."
I'm still panting, but Bae inhales and exhales deeply, gesturing that I do the same. Slowly, I take a deep breath, and let it out. Then again, in and out. When I've calmed down a little, I pull away, and sit back, leaning against the cave wall.
"Are you alright?" asks Bae, warily, ready to help calm me down if I'm not.
I slowly nod, and wipe away the tears that were shed when I woke up.
"Are you sure?" he asks, carefully.
"Yeah," I reply. "I'm fine."
He nods, and moves over to the tables that I upturned earlier in my fit. He starts to set them upright, and replace the food and tools back on them.
Why doesn't he go back to sleep? He knows I'm fine…
I realize it's because he's worried about me. He's afraid I might have another tantrum, or try to kill myself again. He needs to be awake to calm me down. To stop me from going too far.
No, I don't want to think about that. I don't want to go back to how I was before Bae calmed me down. Shrieking, miserable, ready to commit suicide. If I go back to that, I'm only going to lose myself faster.
I'll be doing Pan's job for him.
The idea fills me with so much disgust, I decide that I need to think about something else. Anything else. I turn to Bae, as he places a candle in a coconut back on one of the tables. There's something I've been meaning to ask him, but I keep forgetting. Might as well ask it now. It will help take my mind off of things.
"Bae," I ask, my voice croaky from waking up and screaming. "Were there ever Indians on the island?"
Bae pauses, and I can tell the question has more meaning to him than I thought.
"Why do you ask?" he asks casually. Too casually.
Something's up here.
I shrug, taking on a casual persona as well.
"In the story I read," I explain. "Pan, the Lost Boys, Hook, TinkerBell, Wendy, they were all their. But there was also this Indian tribe that lived on the island. I know the story messed up on a lot of details, but I've never seen any signs of Indians. I wondered if that was another messed up detail too."
Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. The book got almost all of the details wrong.
Bae sighs, and turns to look at me. Again, I see in his eyes the person beyond the boy's body. The one who has had to survive through so many things, grow up fast on the inside, even though he has always remained the same on the outside.
He sits down, and for a second, he truly does look like the aged, tired person I know he his deep down.
"I might as well tell you," he says, almost to himself. "You will find out eventually."
Especially now that I'm supposed to stay on Neverland forever, a permanent prisoner of-No, I'm not going to think about it.
"There were Indians on the island," he says. "I'm not sure how they got here, or where they came from; they were on Neverland before I was taken. But, however they came, Pan wasn't sure if he liked them or not. He played with them, forcing them to fight for their survival. He was still doing it when Hook handed me over to the Lost Boys. They were good, though. They knew how to live off the island and use it to their advantage when Pan played of his games with them. So, after a while, he got bored, and left them alone."
That sounds like Pan. Not caring who you are, or how you got there, just that you play his little games. Make you one of his toys until you don't even see it yourself.
"Anyway," says Bae, continuing with his story. "The Indians weren't growing up either. The elderly stayed old, and the children..well, they couldn't grow up. And, after a while, the boys of the tribe got upset, because they were still being treated like children, when they were really growing up on the inside. Finally, one night, most of them came to Pan's camp, saying they wanted to join. Pan took them on without a second thought. But, the rest of the tribe didn't like that."
Oh, dear, I can see where this is going…
"They demanded that Pan return their children to them, but Pan refused to give up Lost Boys that came so willingly. So, the Indians fought Pan, and he fought back."
He closes his eyes, and I can see his pained expression, as if he remembers the horror of what happened when Pan fought the Indians.
"I got lucky," he murmurs. "The Indians were silent in battle. They could sneak up on you in a flash, without making a sound. So many boys were killed during that time. But, Pan fought back even harder, setting up traps to kill the Indians, and using magic. The leader of the tribe eventually realized that the Indians couldn't win the war, so he called for the fighting to stop, and tried to make peace with Pan. I remember him offering to let Pan keep the boys, and even give his own daughter to Pan."
The chief's daughter. No way, it couldn't be…
"Tiger Lilly?" I ask, almost not believing that the famous Indian girl was real.
Bae looks at me, and if what I saw before was pain, the look he gives me is agony.
"Yes," he whispers. "Tiger Lilly."
The pain in his eyes, the way he says her name...there is something more to this story.
"What happened?" I ask, quietly, torn between wanting to know, and not making Bae remembering.
His eyes screw shut, as if he is recalling a painful memory.
"Pan said that he would meet at sunset the next day to discuss his terms," he says. "But as soon as he delivered this message, he told the boys to start preparing themselves. He was going to have us ambush the Indians, and kill them at dawn."
I feel my heart plunge, as I realize what he's saying. I know Pan to be a horrible, cruel bastard, but I never thought he would be willing to massacre an entire people just to keep a few boys.
Then again, look at the measures he took to imprison me, I think numbly. I don't think limits are something he recognizes.
"He didn't," I whisper. " He didn't kill them all, did he?"
The horror of it, just knowing that Pan is capable of murdering a desperate race in cold blood…
This was before I pinned him against that tree. This was before I let his regret get sucked out. If he was already like this before...what kind of monster did I help create?
I shiver at the thought, especially when I realize that the very same monster is after me.
"He was going to kill them," Bae replies, quietly. "But, when I realized what he was doing I...I don't know. I just knew I couldn't let it happen. I wouldn't let it happen. So, when he wasn't looking, I slipped out of camp, found the Indians, and told them what Pan was planning. I-I couldn't stop them. They were so angry, so scared. They told me and Tiger Lilly to hide in the trees, and that they would find us when it was safe to come out. Then, they left. They attacked Pan before he could attack them...and-and-"
He cuts off with a choking sob, and I can see something else in his eyes beyond pain: guilt.
"It was a bloodbath, Jess, a bloodbath," he whispers. "The Indians were scared, and angry, and that made them reckless. They surprised Pan, but by dawn, Tiger Lilly and I were the only ones left. The Indian boys even turned on Pan when they saw what he did, and they were killed for it."
He meets my eyes, and I realize what he is isn't the strong boy who promised to look after me. He is a torn person, left with nothing but guilt, and pain.
"Oh, Bae," I whisper. Immediately, I go to his side, and wrap him in a hug.
And I thought I had it bad. I'm trapped on the island forever, but Bae? Bae has been through so much, pain and betrayal. He never deserved this. He never should have had to be put through this.
"What happened wasn't your fault," I murmur. "You tried to stop it from happening, and that is what counts. You are in no way responsible for what happened."
He nods, and I look at him, surprised by what I see.
"I know," he whispers. "It's just...hard. Knowing that I did the right thing, but it was all for nothing…"
I know how he feels. I made the choice to trade myself for Abby, but in the end...no, I can't think about that right now.
For a brief moment, we stay like this. Just sitting there, comforting the other, silently promising the other that everything will be alright.
Then, the moment ends, and Bae pulls away.
"We need some more water," he mutters.
I know that I can easily just imagine some, but I can tell he needs some time alone. He needs to gather himself up again.
This probably would not be a good time to ask him what happened to Tiger Lilly..
He gets up, and asks me once more if I'm alright. I assure him that I am, and he leaves. He leaves me alone with my thoughts.
If I was going to do it, this would be the time…
But I'm not going to. I'm not going to kill myself. Because, even if I'm trapped on this hell forever, even if Pan tries to hunt me down and torture me, deep down, I don't want to die.
Not like this. Not alone, miserable, wallowing in self pity.
But I need to do something.
I'm trapped on this island forever. There's no way I can leave without dying. And if Pan wants me as much as he says he does, he isn't going to let me go. He will find me, and he will do everything he can to make me Vin. I refuse to let that happen.
I can't die, but I can't give into Pan. Is there anything I can do? I don't know if anyone could do anything in my situation…
Bae has.
The thought strikes me hard, and I'm surprised by the effect that one random thought has. Because it's true.
He's gone through so much pain, and has suffered far too much. But, despite the breakdown I just saw, I truly believe that he's moved on. But, that doesn't take away the pain when he thinks about what happened. I don't think that pain ever really leaves you. It is just always there, pushing you to keep going.
Despite all that pain, all that suffering, he has learned to live with it. Why can't I do the same?
Why can't I accept that I'm trapped here and that there really is no way for me to get out of this?
Because it means letting go. It means accepting that I'll never see Abby again. And even worse, it will mean accepting that Pan will eventually find me and break me. How am I supposed to accept that of all things?
Maybe you don't have to, something says in the back of my mind. Maybe you can use what you did all that time ago when Pan taught you how to use your power…
I blink, remembering. Pan had been hoping that teaching me my abilities would help break me. Instead, I was able to turn it around on him. I was able to use my powers to create things that reminded me why I still had to fight. Why I couldn't give in.
And that's what I need to do here.
Pan thinks that what he has done will break me. For a while, I thought so too.
But, why can't I turn the tables on him again? Why can't I use the pain I feel for losing Abby, for losing my freedom to drive me to keep fighting?
Abby wouldn't want me to break. She'd want me to keep fighting.
I lost her because of Pan. I lost everything because of Pan. So, I'm not going to let him win. I'm not going to wallow in self pity until I break for him. I'm going to let the pain come, and I'm going to use it to drive me. To keep myself from giving in.
But, just as I needed the books to help me when I was learning how to imagine, I will need something physical. Something tangible. Something I can touch, see, feel, and remind me that I can't give in.
Something that not even Pan can take from me.
Something that not even the all powerful Peter Pan can take from me.
Realizing what I need to do, I close my eyes. I imagine a door, like the ones on a safe. A door that only I can open. I, and no one else, even if they somehow disguise themselves as me.
I can only open it of my own free will. If I'm being forced, threatened, blackmailed, tricked, or anything like that, then the door won't open for me.
I open my eyes, and I see the door hovering in front of me.
A feel the corners of my lips rise, and I open the door. Behind the door is just empty, black space. Nothing. Which is the point.
I let my imagination run wild at this point.
I imagine everything I can think of related to home.
Pictures of Abby, my best friends, Roxanne and Dom, even pictures of Mom and Dad, from before, when we were a family. I imagine my notebook filled with my story about Snow White and Prince Charming. I imagine a copy of The Silver Chair, then in a fit of giddiness, I imagine the entire Narnia series. Then the other books I read, whether Lord of the Rings, Ben-Hur, or Les Miserables
All of these, I put into the space behind the door.
Then, I think of all the pain I've gone through, and I let my imagine take hold of that.
I imagine the butterfly pendant that Hook gave me. I imagine the earrings that Dad left me as a going away gift, as if earrings could make up for abandoning us. I imagine the bowl that Abby and I would always use to share apple slices and peanut butter, when all we had was each other, without Mom around. I imagine the arrow I fired at Felix, the knife I threw at Sebastian, the copy of The Princess Bride that I read to the younger boys. Even pictures of friends from grade school that grew up to be annoying, girly-girls.
As I put these in the space, I feel tears falling down my cheeks, as I let the pain go. The pain is still a part of me, and letting go of it is hard. But I need to do it. And if anything, I'm not letting go of it. I'm redirecting it, so that it may drive me.
After this, I think of everything that has made me who I am. Small, subtle things.
I imagine my favorite bracelet that got left behind when I got taken, my car keys, the ticket to the midnight screening of Return of the Jedi, the denim jacket that I wore when I made the deal with Pan. I imagine the essay I wrote in freshman year about my love of reading, that I was so proud of, and the painting I made when I was five of dancing penguins that Mom always went on about. I imagine the stuffed raccoon that I had when I was ten, the tape with all my favorite songs, the deck of playing cards that I would use to play solitaire when I was bored.
The things that I can always look back on, knowing who I am. That I'm not Pan's toy. I'm not his pet. I'm not the girl he trapped, and is trying to break.
I'm just a regular girl, thrown into this world without a clue. A girl who will fight back. Who won't break. Who won't give in.
Whenever I open this door, I'm always going to remember who I am, no matter how hard it gets. And not even Pan can destroy it.
Because it is what makes up me. It is what will help me keep my mind safe.
My mind safe…
It is sort of like a safe isn't it? But it needs a better ring to it…
A mindbox, perhaps?
For the first time, even though I thought it impossible, I feel a smile come on my lips.
I won't stop fighting, Pan. No matter how hard you play, I am not going to give in. You think you've hurt me, but in reality, you have given me the best weapon against you. As long as I remember who I am, you will not break me.
I have truly won this round. Point to Jess.
A/N:
First of all, I'm so sorry for the late update. I was completely swamped with studying last night, and I hardly had time to even edit this chapter. But, I will make sure next chapter comes out on time.
Also, feedback on the concept of the mindbox would be greatly appreciated. It will come up later, and I want to make sure it's understandable.
A special thanks to AndoraStar, ZappedOfOriginality, SuperBrooke3, and Hi-I know the name isnt good for putting this story on alert, and to AndoraStar, SuperBrooke3, and Hi-I know the name isnt good for favoriting Fading Away. Also, thank you Ode to a Fangirl, AndoraStar, meguhanu, scorpiongirl92, Regalgal1524, the white angel, and Guest for your awesome reviews. And, as always, a special thanks to my betas, Can't-Escape-My-Fandoms, and Uncommon fairy. Thanks a bunch; I couldn't do this without y'all!
Please follow, favorite, review, or whatever y'all want. Thoughts on the mindbox and Bae's story of the Indians are especially appreciated. :)