Voided Personality Khaki and Beigedness

Edward: Renesmee.

Bella: Ugh, you're ruining the moment, Edward.

Edward: Get dressed, and we'll be back to the house in two seconds.

Bella's inner monologue: I looked back at him, then away where Renesmee waited, then back at him again, then back toward her. Decisions, decisions.

Edward: It's all about balance, love.

Bella's inner monologue: Hmmm, paying attention to the daughter I have only seen once, or ravishing my glitter-fuck husband for another 12 hours. Oh, the conundrum.

Edward: *sniffing closet* Mmmm kay. Denim and stretch cotton.

Bella: It only took him seconds to find his own clothes- if I hadn't seen him undressed, I would have sworn there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis and pale beige pullover- Umm, Steph, really? Khakis and beige…practical, maybe. Goes with anything, sure. But beautiful?

Edward: *answering before Stephenie can pry herself from Caius* Well, at least the color scheme matches my post-marriage personality. Boring, bland, and almost non-existent.

At the Cullens:

Renesmee: *slapping Bella* I'm hungry, bitch.

Rosalie: Esme sacrificed her second-best silver service to keep the little monster entertained. We didn't want to… er, bother you.

Esme: *weeping in the corner* My beautiful soup spoons, the little cocktail forks, gone, gone, gone.

Bella: *to Renesmee* You'll like the cottage. It's magic.

Renesmee: If it's the magic of my dad bending you over the coffee table, I think I'll pass, thanks.

Rosalie: Jacob took off this morning. He was watching Nessie sleep, his mouth hanging open like the moron he is…

Jacob: *pops head in* Christ, I have become a full blown kiddie poacher.

Renesmee: *throws spoon at Alice's eye* Tee hee.

Alice: I can't see anything! No! Oh and Jesus H. Christ, Bella, you look like you stepped out of a JC Penny catalog. You need me to show you how to use your closet.

Edward: Charlie is coming here. Today.

Bella: No!

Jacob: Hey, guys! Charlie'll be here soon. Just a heads-up.

Bella: What. Have. You. Done? I just escaped the monotony of cooking dinners and watching lame baseball games, and you invite Charlie back?

Jacob: Yep. Couldn't let you leave. Charlie was the biggest issue. Problem solved. Wait, when did I become slightly more idiotic than Bella? Oh right, when I decided to go all lusty-eyes over hybrid blood slurp over there.

Edward: Did you consider the physical or emotional pain you're putting Bella through? I suppose what happens to Bella no longer concerns you!

Jacob: Well, no shit Sherlock. I just want to bone your daughter. Bella will be in pain?

Edward: Like you've shoved a white-hot branding iron down her thoat!

Bella: Mmmm, hot irons. That has to fall into martyrdom somewhere. I'm in. This is about Charlie. Do you realize it's death or vampire life for him now, too?

Jacob: Relax, Bella. I told him about me.

Super Bear: Aaaand, cue a plot line that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Jacob: I stripped in front of your dad and went all wolftastic on him. So I told him you were weird, but good. And that you look like Esme not Renee.

Bella: Ummm, Stephenie? *pokes Stephenie in the back* Just a few questions for ya here. Why in God's name would Jacob turning into a wolf in front of Charlie be at all relevant to a weird Bella-sickness? And why the fuck didn't Jacob just phase in front of me when he wanted me to figure out what he was? And isn't that against the rules of the wolves or whatever? And… I mean… Charlie still gets to be in the story?

browniechadowes: *pelts Stephenie with burning Breaking Dawn novel*

Super Bear: *clears throat* Ya, so not only does Bella get to sex up her super sexy vampire husband, has no blood lust, gets to keep her best friend around, and has a baby that is super intelligent and sleeps for hours, but she also still gets to be in contact with her dad. Fucking fan-tastic. *takes tequila from Unicorn and downs the rest of the bottle*

Jacob: Erm, so Charlie wants to be told as little as possible. Need to know, only.

Bella: And Renesmee?

Jacob: Hmm well I thought about saying that she was my future fuck friend and lover, but I didn't think that'd go over too well. You adopted her.

Bella: But she changes so fast…

Jacob: I told him she was super special. And that she's the most wonderful person in the world. And that she's cute, and sexy, and perfect, and beautiful, an…

Edward: *attempts to slap pedophilic tendencies out of Jacob's crotch*

Bella: I'm not going to say thank you.

Jacob: You'll always be my best friend, and I'll always love you. But the right way now.

Bella's inner monologue: Ya, because it's completely the right way to have platonic love with the person only a few weeks ago you wanted to bang, and instead have replaced her with her daughter that she had with her undead husband. Completely the right way now.

Edward: You'll be happy if you have Charlie in your life, Bella. You know how much you enjoy making lasagna, watching baseball, and fetching beer.

Alice: Contact time.

Bella: When did you-

Alice: Before you left on the honeymoon. I was prepared for several possible futures.

Bella: And yet you didn't see the future with me carrying around Edward's mutant spawn and giving birth to it? Really, Alice. You can purchase color contacts, but not condoms. I'm beginning to have doubts about your psychic abilities. How do I look?

Edward: Gorgeous.

Alice: She always looks gorgeous. *slides hand slightly over Bella's shoulder, brushing aside her soft brown locks, straining to touch…*

browniechadowes: Alice. No.

Alice: *sticks tongue out* Esme, show her how to be human.

Esme: Don't sit still or move too fast.

Emmett: Sit down if he does.

Jasper: Let your eyes wander every thirty seconds or so.

Rosalie: Cross your legs. You scarlet whore. Keep that trap closed.

Emmett: And blink three times a minute. *turns on football game*

Jasper. Move your hands, too. Brush your hair back and scratch something.

Bella: That's what she said. Sit, look, blink, fidget.

Esme: Right.

Bella: I need Renesmee.

Alice: But she doesn't help me see. *looks at sharp knife Renesmee has pointed at Alice's left eye*

Edward: *in creepy father figure voice, usually reserved for Bella when she is being an idiot* Renesmee, someone special is coming to see you. But you can't bite him.

Renesmee: No fucking fun. Bella still hasn't fed me, and my belly is a grumbling. Can I still suck on Jacob?

Jacob: Tee hee.

Edward: *trying to ignore innuendo* You can bite Jacob. *to Jacob* Maybe you should leave. Go find a girl scout troop, stalk around a nursery school or something.

Jacob: I told Charlie I'd be here. And all the nurseries in the area have already banned me from the premises…

Edward: *kisses Bella*

Bella's inner monologue: Mmmmm nom nom sex with my husband. I wonder if Renesmee would notice if we just slipped…

Jasper: Ughhh, Edward, don't distract her.

Bella: Later. Sexy, sexy man looking so fine in your voided personality khaki and beigedness.

Jasper: Bella.

Bella: Jasper.

Edward: Edward.

Charlie: Where's Bella?

Bella: *breaking out into song* I'm heeere Dad, I fooound you, Daddy! And guess what, I love you, I love you, I looooooove you.

browniechadowes: Bella, as funny as Will Ferrel dressed in tights is, let's not start quoting him and just get the chapter over with.

Charlie: *Shocked. Disbelieved. Pained. Lost. Fearful. Angst. Suspicious. Pain. Pain. Pain*

Bella: Hi, Dad.

Charlie: Bella?

Bella: Sorry.

Charlie: Jake told me you were dying.

Bella: Yep.

Edward: I am now going to come up with a completely unbelievable fabrication of why we have a bouncing little monster. She's my second niece twice removed from my long lost cousin's mother's aunt who died in a car accident.

Bella: *impressed*

Everyone else: *rolls eyes* How lame.

Charlie: She's a beauty.

Jacob: Back off, old man.

Bella: She's mine. I want her.

Charlie: I'm going to ignore how creepy that sounds and lament on being a young grandpa, not on the fact that you almost died, didn't tell me, and are now rather weird, pale, and walking around like the undead.

Renesmee: He smells tasty. Sure I can't just lick him a little bit?

Bella: Nopers.

Renesmee: *waves at Charlie*

Charlie: What a weird, little baby.

Jacob: *smiling like the idiot imprinting has made him* Everything's great, Charlie. Just try to not believe anything you see.

Emmett: Go Gators!

Charlie: Did someone say football? Florida winning? Will now ignore creepy daughter, Jacob turning into a hairy beast, three month old super granddaughter… because let's face it, there are only three things my character really cares about. Sports, food, and beer.