Hello Susan!
I started my new position as Chief Resident about the same time Susan Lewis came back to work at County. When I saw her, I flashed back to when I was a third year medical student. I warmly welcomed Dr. Lewis who was quick to correct me, "Susan" she said. I'd come up through the ranks far enough to be her peer this time around. It was great to see her again and being minus the doctors Deb and Dave, we definitely needed the help.
It was wonderful to have Susan back in the halls and exam rooms at County. It didn't take long for me to feel like she never left or for my unrequited crush to return. I felt myself slipping into that boyish mode, wanting to work the same traumas as she did, wanting to impress her, wanting her to notice me. We quickly established a friendship, a quite friendly and playful, friendship.
Soon she had me going with her to these torture sessions she called yoga classes. The morning stretch took the place of the coffee and conversation at Doc Magoo's I used to have with Deb before our shift, something I missed. Instead, I would met Deb for lunch every so often and she would tease me about the yoga, telling me not to get "too friendly" with Susan as I learned all these "new positions" with her. I couldn't figure out if she was just having fun teasing me or if she was actually a little jealous. She didn't need to be. Even though I was friends with both, the two relationships were very different and I valued each for their own separate reasons.
We were in the middle of a yoga session when Susan asked "what's up between you and that nurse?" With my body being forced to contort into these strange positions, I felt it wasn't the time or place to chat about my relationship with Abby, so I told her it was kind of undefined. She'd just broken up with Luka. Susan put two and two together and came up with three, saying she got it: I didn't want to be the rebound guy. I told her that's kind of it and left it at that. She didn't need to know how hard I'd worked at trying to win Abby over Luka or the guilt I felt when they actually broke up.
Between the yoga sessions, falling flat on the pavement the night of the Marfan's trauma and the muscle spasms I still had from being stabbed, my back was giving me trouble and I was trying to deal with quite a bit of pain. Because I was afraid of a relapse, I was loath to try any kind of pain medicine, even a mild analgesic. I tried squatting, acupuncture, meditation. While these approaches each brought some relief, nothing worked very long. Susan kept telling me to quit being so macho and take some Tylenol. I knew I was going to have to tell her about my past.
Gamma was just diagnosed with Multiple System Atrophy (MSA), formerly known as Shy-Drager Syndrome. She wasn't supposed to be driving, but took the car anyway. I was worried about her, especially because it was getting dark. Susan offered to keep me company while I nervously waited for her to come home. As we waited by the pool, I told her about my drug addiction. It wasn't easy to tell her. I knew she still saw me as the perfect little Boy Scout. I was standing on one of the benches watching her face as I told her. She looked at me differently, as if she couldn't believe it. "Disappointed in me?" I asked.
"You were stabbed" she replied.
I sat down on the bench next to her and clarified, "twice, I don't recommend it". She asked to see my scar. It struck me as personal, intimate knowledge. I wasn't ready to go there, not with her. I told her to get her own scar. She nervously giggled like a school girl. She asked this Boy Scout why she felt so giddy. Remembering those old feelings I used to have for her, I told her it must have been the adolescent sexual tension. We talked about how we never became a couple seven years ago. Back then, I was a student and she was a resident, but I was Chief Resident now and that excuse was gone. I stared into her eyes. She was so beautiful. The moonlight falling soft on her hair, her gentle face, her sweet, soothing voice, I wanted to kiss her. It would have happened that night if Gamma hadn't come home at that moment.
It did eventually happen. Again, we were outside in the cold night air. This time, it was on the rooftop. The coffee was hot and so was the conversation. We were talking about a patient that I treated that day. She was allergic to her new husband's semen. The condition became a problem when they decided to get pregnant and stopped using condoms. I needed to confirm my diagnosis. It was therefore necessary for them to replicate the conditions that triggered the reaction. The hospital is not the most romantic place. They found it more comfortable in the back of their pickup truck in the hospital parking lot. The camper shell on the back provided the needed privacy.
This gave way to the topic of unusual places to have sex. Susan confided that she'd done it on a Ferris wheel and then prompted me to disclose one of my adventuresome exploits. I quickly told her in a tent, it was the first thing that came to mind. "Camping? That's the best you can do?" she asked incredulously. I gave it some more thought. I remembered a trip I'd taken with my grandparents when I was young. We took a train ride which wandered a scenic path through the western states on the way to Seattle. It was just me in the sleeping berth when I decided to treat myself very nicely. She giggled at the thought. She was so irresistibly charming. I gazed into her eyes for a moment and it just felt right. I leaned in and kissed her. She seemed to enjoy it, she kissed back. I shifted my weight forward so I could wrap her in my arms but knocked over my cup of hot coffee. She giggled at the klutzy maneuver. It was not the most romantic as first kisses go, but certainly memorable.
Things seemed to be coming together for me really well. Work was great, Susan was great. My dad called and we had a nice chat. He closed with the comment that he was looking forward to seeing me for Christmas. I was as excited as a little kid. For the first time in nine years, my parents were coming home for Christmas. I was also a little surprised. My parents were in Chicago just a few months ago for my grandfather's funeral. They usually spaced their visits much farther apart. Dad flew in a couple of days ahead of Mom and asked to meet me for lunch. I suggested Doc Magoo's. With no travel time, I could spend more of my lunch hour with my Dad. As he looked over the menu, I remarked that this was nice, the two of us meeting for lunch, the two of them here for Christmas. It puzzled me though as to why Mom was still in Costa Rica. "Gamma broke her hip, Mom can't come and see her? Is she going to avoid her for the whole month?" I asked. I wasn't prepared at all for his answer. He dropped the bomb – they were getting a divorce. He said he had to leave her, he was suffocating. He remarked that I saw it before he did, and this shouldn't surprise me, but it did.
I took the news hard. My parents were seldom around. They had their troubles, but I never expected them to divorce. It was a few days before Christmas. Susan and I were at our lockers getting ready to leave. She told me she had next few days off. She had a Christmas gift for me and asked if I was ready to exchange gifts. I'd been so distracted by my parents that I hadn't thought about Christmas gifts and didn't have one for her. I asked her if we could wait and do the gifts later. It was pretty obvious my mind was not on her. "Is something wrong?" she asked.
"I'm having family problems…It's my mother. She's not coming home for the holidays after all, she and my father are splitting up." The words were hard for me to say. It hadn't really sunk in yet. Susan moved closer to me. She apologized and admitted that she thought my attitude had something to do with her. I told her no, she was the one thing in my life that was going right. She smiled sweetly. I took her hand and pulled her close enough to give her a shy, little kiss right there in the lounge. I loved that she understood our relationship to be casually romantic and accepted my distraction with grace.
Our relationship went undetected by our coworkers until a couple of weeks later when we got busted in the most uncomfortable way. We were in the lounge eating lunch. I was teasing Susan and playfully kissed her just as Abby walked in. It was a quick little buss on the lips, but Abby rolled her eyes as she watched me struggle with her reaction. I felt like a heel, like I cheated on her. It was awkward for all three of us. Susan got up and quickly went back to work leaving me alone in the lounge with Abby. I wasn't on shift yet so I didn't have a plausible reason to bolt. I had to stay and face her. I humbly apologized and told her it sort of snuck up on me. I explained that it was really more of a friendship thing than anything else. She didn't buy it, saying "really? Never seen you kiss Frank like that." I felt horrible, like I betrayed her. She told me not to sweat it, but I did. I couldn't help it. She was the one I really wanted to be with. Susan was a casual romance, with Abby I wanted so much more. Now I wondered if I would ever be able to make that work.
The status quo continued into March when a situation arose that I didn't handle well. On this particular morning, I showed up at Susan's apartment building with coffee and bagels. I typically did this whenever we went to the 7:30 yoga class. I rang the bell, no answer. I stood out on the sidewalk and called her on the phone. She walked up to me as I was leaving her a voice mail. I noticed that she was out early. She told me she spent the night at Mark's house. Noting the expression on my face and the tone of my voice, she clarified, "on the couch".
We argued about it all the way to work. When we arrived, Kerry was just outside the doors and asked us to handle the ambulance that had just pulled up in the bay. It turned out to be a sadistic mistress and her "subject". We attempted to treat their injuries, but needed diagnostic X-rays. When they left for radiology, Susan discovered the bag the mistress left and went in to investigate. It was filled with an assortment of sex toys. She and Abby decided to have a little fun with the stuff, dragging it out, teasing Luka and me. I guess for Susan, it was something of a release. She was clearly frustrated with my jealousy over the night she spent with Mark. Weaver walked in on the ruckus. She was not amused to say the least. We were all in trouble: Susan, Abby, Luka, Gallant and me. We were sentenced to a sexual harassment seminar that Saturday.
Probably my worst fault is that I'm the jealous type. I get jealous easily and it's hard for me to let go of those feelings when I do. My relationship with Susan was one of innocent romance. I enjoyed spending time with her, I liked her a lot, but we never slept together. I didn't think I wanted our relationship to go that far, but the thought of her spending the night with Mark, sleeping with him, drove me out of my mind. She tried to tell me they were just friends and he needed her help but I couldn't swallow it. Deb and I were friends, and they were plenty of times she's helped me or I've helped her, but it never required an overnight stay. In my mind, there was only one reason to spend the night together.
That Saturday we all showed up for the seminar, everyone but the instructor. I still hadn't made peace with the night Susan spent with Mark. I didn't want to be there and I didn't want to be around Susan. I wanted to leave, but Gallant made the point that we were ordered to be there and shouldn't leave until someone in charge instructed us to do so. Luka stated that he was right, that if we didn't stay, we'd have to be there again the following Saturday. No one wanted to come back again, so we stayed. We attempted to pass the time until that "someone in charge" showed up by engaging in some odd conversations that I personally found uncomfortable. Mostly they were uncomfortable because Susan and I were having our difficulties and I was being forced to air them out in front of Abby.
The conversation turned to money, another uncomfortable subject for me. I hate when people give me a hard time about how much money my family has. I hate when they think everything is made right, everything is rosy and wonderful when you have money. Very few people in my life have ever understood that no amount of money makes up for absent parents or the loss of a brother. Money can't solve the problems that cut deep into your soul, the emotional hurts that fester and never heal. My family was rich only in a monetary sense, we were dirt poor in the things that really matter like love, understanding and togetherness.
As a refuge from conversations I didn't want to participate in, I worked at trying to get into a locked closet located in the front corner of the room, away from where everyone else was sitting. I was successful in my efforts and surveyed its contents. I found some fencing equipment and before I knew it, I was in a sword fight with Luka. It was intense as primitive hormones took over and we each fought aggressively, we were fighting over a woman after all. He took a swipe at my face. It completely pissed me off. I dropped my sword and charged him.
The women swooped in and broke it up, each taking us to separate corners. It was obvious to Susan what the fight was about when I couldn't take me eyes off Abby who was tending to Luka. She asked me if I wanted her to ask Abby to come over and take care of me. I couldn't answer the question; that was exactly what I wanted. Then she kissed me. It wasn't the kind of kiss we would typically share which was short, cute, and playful. This kiss attempted to be romantic in nature. I was caught off guard and really felt awkward. I asked her what that was for, she admitted "second date rule". I didn't find out until quite a bit later she was gauging our romantic chemistry.
I guess the relationship Susan and I had was more-or-less to resolve the schoolboy crush I'd had on her years earlier. Now that it was resolved, I was ready for something else, something deeper and more meaningful. I was at a point in my life where I craved one relationship that was intimate physically, emotionally and mentally. I wanted a permanent togetherness, a lasting bond. I knew Susan wasn't it, but I hoped Abby was.
The instructor finally showed up. Class was long, drawn out and very dry. We were all thankful when it was finally over. Luka had his car and drove home, Gallant and Abby walked the few blocks to the hospital as they were on shift that night, and that left Susan and me standing there on the sidewalk alone. The day had been a large airing out of our relationship and there was really only one thing left to do.
Susan told me I'd made a fool out of myself, getting into a duel with Luka, not to mention the jealous fit over Mark Greene. I couldn't argue with her, it was all pretty childish. "Kiss me" she said. I looked at her and smiled. She looked beautiful. The snow was lightly falling and catching in her hair and eyelashes. I leaned in and kissed her. In a soft, low voice, she asked if it was "there" for me. It was rather sexy the way she asked, I knew she was referring to a romantic passion. I didn't feel it, so I told her it was nice. She admitted it wasn't there for her either. That was it. We were officially not a couple any more.
Susan quickly and easily slipped back into "just friends" mode. "You should tell her" she said.
"Tell who?" I asked sheepishly. I took a moment. I knew she was referring to Abby, but I didn't quite understand what she was getting at. "Tell her what?"
"That you're desperately in love with her and can't live a moment without her." I smiled at the comment. No point in denying it. I just had to have the courage to act on it.