Chapter 25: Not Here, Not There

"I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.
You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.
Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind."
-"I Am Not Yours" by Sarah Teasdale

What was I supposed to tell Bella? That was what I asked myself all night, in between bouts of cursing myself and Aro.

Stupid.

How could I have been so stupid?

My plane tickets had a date on them, Monday morning. Less than twenty-four hours after my internship ended.

I had to call Bella. I needed to call Bella.

But I didn't.

I spent the weekend working, avoiding Leah in the hallways of the hospital, and avoiding Alice in the hallways of my home.

I dialed Bella's phone number forty-six times on Sunday night and hung up each time before she could answer.

I felt like a coward.

I fell asleep remembering things, snippets of memories that played behind my eyes like fragments of movies.

I dreamed of my parents.

I dreamed of kissing Bella.

I dreamed of marrying her and having children with her and staying in Forks until all of my hair turned gray and they put me in the ground next to my parents.

I showered and shaved and managed not to nick myself because I was so out of it, I'm sure I would have cut myself.

And finally in the end, I put my suitcases in the backseat and trunk of Carlisle's Mercedes and stared out the window—memorizing Forks and Washington—as my father drove me to Seattle and the airport.

I called Bella four times in the car, and continually hung up before she could answer. I wrote her an email from my iPod Touch and then realized that I didn't know her email address.

I sighed and felt like a love-sick puppy.

And eventually Carlisle told me to suck it up, that I'd made my bed and I had to lie in it. I didn't want to lie in it. The sheets were soiled and smelled bad, and it felt like I'd be lying in the bed I would die in.

I'd made my life into an indiscernible mess and I had to figure it out for myself. I'd dug a grave and then Aro had buried me in it.

I felt like my heart was being ripped out.

My whole body felt like it was on fire, embers running through my veins. I missed Alice and Esme, and Emmett and Rose. I missed being an actual person instead of just this shell.

I tried to think of something to do that could fix what I'd damaged so irreparably.

I finally let my fifth phone call ring to Bella's voice mail. I felt brave, but stupid.

"Bella. I'm sorry that I haven't called you sooner. I'm just, I'm sorry but I don't think that I can be in a relationship right now. It's not your fault. God, please don't believe that this is your fault. It's mine. I just, I didn't know if I believed in love when I first met you and I'm still not entirely sure I believe in it.

"I told you that I lost my parents, and it's true. I'll never see them again because they were so distracted by each other that my father wasn't concentrating on driving and he was hit by a drunk driver who veered into oncoming traffic. I guess I feel like their love was their downfall.

"I've never really admitted that to myself."

I stopped there and stared out the window, not really knowing what else to say to the woman I loved and didn't love all at the same time. Carlisle patted my shoulder in a firm, manly but affectionate way.

I continued, "I'm so sorry that I've hurt you. I shouldn't have.

"Bella, I wish I had to words to tell you exactly how I feel. But just know that having a relationship with me right now wouldn't have worked out.

"I'm just. God, I don't know what I am."

I sighed and closed my eyes, "Bella. Promise me something. Be happy. Don't ever wonder if it would've worked out between us, just move on and be happy. You're beautiful, smart and funny. And I promise there is someone out there for you.

"I'll always sort of love you, Isabella Swan."

Always.

I hung up.

Carlisle looked at me out of the corner of his eye, "I'm surprised you told her of your parents."

I shrugged, "She deserves to know."

"Then she also deserves the truth of where you're going."

"I didn't tell her?" I asked, bemused. I didn't really remember the message; it felt fuzzy inside my brain.

"No, you just said that a relationship between the two of you wouldn't have worked," he said.

I cursed and Carlisle gave me a disapproving look.

"Edward, I'll never understand what it felt like to lose your parents the way you did—but I don't understand why you won't let yourself be healed."

"Some wounds can't be healed," I replied.

"I'm a doctor, Edward. Yes they can."

"Wounds of the heart can't heal," I said.

"Did you know Esme was married before I met her?" He asked.

No, I hadn't. I shook my head and stared at him, waiting for the story.

"She was in an abusive relationship. I met her because she was brought to the emergency room. Her husband at the time had pushed her down the steps of their front porch. She was pregnant at the time of the attack.

"When I first saw her she was on a gurney, clutching her stomach as she bled. She just kept begging me to save her baby."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Did you save her baby?" I asked. Alice didn't seem to be damaged in any way. And I'd never thought that Carlisle wasn't her father.

"Edward, I know what you're thinking. That Alice is perfectly fine, what in the world am I talking about."

I stared at him, "That's exactly what I'm thinking."

He chuckled once, humorlessly, "I didn't save her child."

"Oh my God, Alice is adopted?!" I demanded.

"No, would you just listen?" He said.

"Sorry," I mumbled, I felt like I was living a lie.

"Esme gave birth to a stillborn son for her first child, because I could not save that baby. She blamed me for the longest time, because I couldn't save him. I'd fallen in love with her but she rejected me. We knew each other for years before she finally agreed to go out with me.

"And finally when we were married and wanted to start a family we were afraid it wouldn't happen given her history. Alice was a miracle, but Esme was so sick when Alice was born. She's been barren ever since. We had plans to adopt long before Alice came along, and even after she was born we still wanted another child. And then you came and were so little and scared. And Esme wanted so badly to take you in.

"She thought that maybe we could teach you how to love again." He sighed and looked over at me, "Do you remember your senior year, when you refused to go on dates with anyone?"

I nodded my head that was the year I'd rebelled, sick and tired of being the man candy at my private school.

"Esme pulled me aside one night after dinner and told me that there still was hope that you could love again. If she could trust me and love me even after what she'd been through, then there was still a hope that you could trust yourself."

I stared at my father, "Carlisle, do you still think there's hope?"

"Oh there's always hope, son. Even if I think you've made a poor decision. There's always hope."

"What if there isn't?"

"Did Bella Swan give you a second chance?" He asked, seemingly randomly.

"Yes," I said, not seeing the connection.

"Well, she obviously thought there was hope," he said with a smug smile.

I sighed, "How am I supposed to get out of my contract with Aro?"

"I don't know," he said.

"So what am I supposed to do?" I asked him.

"You're a smart man, Edward. You'll figure it out."

I sighed and stared at him, "What am I supposed to do in the mean time?"

"Work hard, save lives and try to come up with a bloody good apology for Bella Swan."

Amen, Carlisle! I know I said no more emo chapters...If forgot about this one. But seriously this is the last. The next ones at least have happy moments in them, even if there are sadder moments.

How do you think Edward's going to fix things? I'd like everyone else's takes on this.