The Road Not Trekked: The Falling Light

by SilverShadow1711

Nerr thought that staying in Hoshido would be a temporary thing. Something that would have no lasting consequences, like a nightmare she could soon wake from. But nightmares did not relinquish their hold so easily. The war had begun in earnest, but she was on the wrong side of it. In the light, there is nowhere to hide from one's guilt... or their sins.

25. Cast Me Not Away

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Ch.25- "Cast Me Not Away"

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"Say you'll be with me..."

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Nerr opened her eyes. For the longest time, she simply remained inert, staring up at the dimly lit canvas. Everything to the right of her remained black. She did not dwell on the darkness, instead going back over all the events she could remember in her life in order, as though she were skimming through a book. Her arm hurt, the fingers buzzing painfully as if it had fallen asleep. It probably had- she had no idea where she was, but by the smell alone she could tell she was no longer in Castle Krakenburg. The fingers on her left hand twitched, and she realized there was something in her palm. Groaning softly, she pulled her arm free from the scratchy blanket that was tucked under her neck. Azura's pendant gleamed softly, the beaded chain wrapped around her wrist to keep it in place. She could still remember the chill of the mist the songstress had become against her skin. Suppressing a shudder, she flexed her right hand, hoping to alleviate the pins and needles sensation in her fingers. They weren't cooperating with her. Breathing deeply, Nerr focused all her strength into moving her hand. Even when her arm had been decimated, she could at the very least make her fingers twitch. She had bested death; she would not be laid low by numb fingers. Still nothing. The tingling seemed to be getting worse. Maybe if she moved it manually, that would help. Reaching over, she pulled the blanket down. She couldn't see. A casual glance revealed only darkness. Her eyes were open, both of them, she could feel it, but while she could still see blurry colors on the left side, the right remained black.

Groaning softly, she turned her head to the right, her neck stiff and painful. There was nothing there. She stared at the empty space at her side. Nothing. She remembered Shura's warning about amputation, but she had expected something being left behind, a stump at the very least. Her torso was wrapped in bandages, but even through the thick padding, she could see that there was no longer a slope leading from her neck to her shoulder. There was only torso. But her arm still hurt, it tingled and buzzed unbearably and she desperately needed to move it. Nerr did not blink, did not breathe as she continued staring at the nothingness where her sword arm had once been. She didn't feel anything, at least, not in an emotional sense- her body ached all over. Or perhaps she felt so much of everything that it just felt like nothing. She could not gauge the passage of time. There were sounds, dull, muffled sounds of people talking and moving, but those sounds were so far removed from her that they might as well have been happening in another world. Then and there, in that singular moment, Nerr lay alone in a void, unaffected by what went on around her, not affecting anything herself. She simultaneously existed and did not.

Eventually, she returned her head to it's original position and closed her eyes again. The war is over, the narrative in her mind explained. The story has come to an end. She did not know what happened to characters after a story ended. She assumed they simply... stopped. She could stop.

000

She had been unconscious for a week, according to Sakura, who broke down in tears when she walked into the makeshift tent (which was really just a tarp put up over some blankets). The young princess thought for certain she would die. First Hana, then Azura- she had stopped holding out hope for people to live because that just made it more painful when they didn't. She fluttered around Nerr, feeling her forehead, checking her bandages (the way she cringed as she looked at the scarred flesh that was once an arm did not go unnoticed). She was lucky, Sakura said. They had suffered a lot of casualties. The countryside of Hoshido, where they currently were, seemed to be untouched by the Nohrian army. That was good, she said, but they were all dreading seeing the capital. Ryouma had discussed plans to marry Scarlet, she said. He wanted to open trade between Nohr and Hoshido as quickly as possible, she said. The reason she couldn't see anything on the right side was because they had to remove that eye, it had been so badly burnt, she said.

Nerr was only half listening. The sounds being made didn't interest her. They sounded like gruesome whines and snarls. If she kept her eyes closed and sank deep, deep into her mind, she could hear a faint whooshing sound, like the wind over the ocean. Sometimes, she could swear there was humming, but she couldn't tell who's voice it was. It sounded familiar, but at the same time... not. There was little time to try and unravel the mystery voice, however, because the moment they realized she was awake, the Hoshidans had not given her a second of peace. They hounded her constantly, bringing visions of death and rot with them, refusing to give her a reprieve. Hinoka squealed that she'd be back on her feet in no time and they'd teach her how to wield a sword left handed. Ryouma snarled that her knowledge would be essential to forging a relationship with Nohr. Takumi... stayed quiet. He rarely came to see her and when he did, he never looked at her. Usually, he would just bring food and leave. Nerr wished the rest of them would do the same. Sakura tried to teach her how to use chopsticks, but she hadn't been interested in the strange utensils when she could use her dominant hand, and wasn't interested in them now. Silas brought her a fork one day. A massive scar pulled at the flesh from his cheek all the way down to his neck, twisting his normally jovial expression into a half snarl. His eyes remained kind and caring, however, as he assured her life would be okay in Hoshido. Ryouma had asked him to stay on as an advisor, so she would have friends nearby.

Nerr had vaguely wondered what he had meant by "friends" until the cavalier casually mentioned that hearing Jakob propose to Oboro had inspired him to propose to Felicia, and his delight when she said yes. The princess once again stopped listening. There was love in the air. Everyone was happy. She wanted to vomit. Later that night, as she tried to drown out the sounds of conversation, Nerr picked through her few belongings, trying to tamp down the instinct to reach out for things with the right hand she no longer had. The Yato lay in it's scabbard off to the side, the faint glow of the metal providing a bit of light in the gloom. Of course no one would leave that behind- it was a symbol of Hoshido's might, it was the sword that slayed the wicked Garon and brought peace to their lands. Nerr kicked it behind a crate so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

Everything else was lined up in a neat row. Her dragonstone, her hairpin, now just plain, broken brass, having lost all of the jet it had been inlaid with. The handkerchief she'd worked on had remained safe, tucked close to her heart, though her copy of The Prideful Princess was a total loss, the pages torn and stained brown with gore, much of the ink faded away after having been wet for so long. She still laid it out gently, her touch almost reverent. Azura's pendant lay beside her dragonstone, the sliver of blue laid within the scrolling gold the same hue as her rune. Nerr had no idea why she had woken up with it. Surely it belonged more to the Hoshidans than her. She would not question it. She simply picked the chain up and, with a measure of difficulty, put it over her head. It rested just below her heart, and the echo of waves in her mind grew louder. Someone was calling her name.

000

Shirasagi had been, to put it lightly, decimated. Many of the homes and storefronts had been burned to the ground. Where trees with pink leaves once stood, now only blackened husks remained. The people of the capital were still trying to clean up the destruction left by the Nohrian army, but the stopped in their efforts the moment the soldiers stepped into view. At once, cheers filled the air, a jubilation at odds with the destruction around them. The hope shining in their eyes turned to pride and joy as Ryouma stepped forward, his voice ringing out over the ruined city, announcing that the war was won and never again would King Garon terrorize their people. Vaguely, Nerr wondered what Camilla and Leo were doing. Cleaning up the dead. Sending condolence letters to the families of the fallen. Arranging funerals for Elise and Xander... She turned towards the west. She could not see the mountains that led up to the Infinite Chasm, but they were there, and on the other side of them was Nohr. A land that no longer had a heart. People jostled her as they pushed past, rushing towards the other soldiers to cheer and congratulate them. Nerr began walking.

"Nerrida? Where are you going?" Hinoka's voice could barely be heard over the rousing cries of happiness and relief. She did not answer. She did not stop. She continued walking until the pain in her feet was too much, but even then, all she did was pull her dragonstone from the filthy, peeling bag at her waist and clutch it tightly. She clenched her jaw and endured the pain of her body growing larger and heavier. It hurt more than usual, there was so much burning, especially on her right side. She could feel the remains of her clavicle elongating, growing more mass. It was over in seconds, seconds was all it took to grow a front leg from where no arm had been. At any other time, Nerr would have been ecstatic, or at least curious as to how the hell that was even possible, but now, all that mattered was that she could walk again with only a minimal limp. That leg was wasted away, more of a vestigial limb than anything, but it was there. She could move it a bit. That was something. She kept walking until long after the sun had set. Climbing the crag was easier with three legs that had long claws for gripping and wings for added propulsion. Lightning split the sky above her as thunder filled the air, but there was still no scent of rain. There were gnarled trees, their winding trunks and branches looking long dead, and dilapidated forts.

She kicked down of the ancient doors to one, her foot breaking through the soft, rotten wood. The air was stale and thick with dust. There were no rats, not even spiderwebs in the corners. Nothing had lived here for a very long time. Limping over to the corner furthest from the door, Nerr laid down, tucking in her wings and curling her tail around her. The bricks were cracked, many of them missing. Part of the roof had collapsed. When she blinked, she could see tall windows, their huge sheets of glass set in lead tracery. Her armoire, packed with shirts and dresses she hadn't worn in years, stood against one of the walls. Autumn was just beginning. The princess lowered her head and closed her eyes. My ladyship, please do not sleep on the floor. You'll catch your death of cold that way... Nerr ignored Gunther's gentle chiding. The floor was fine. She could move later.

Time did not flow at the Chasm. There was no snow, nor rain, no sun or stars. A veil of darkness had been draped over the land. Nerr found she did not get thirsty in this overgrown form, though the moisture that usually collected on her skin enough to run down in rivulets no longer did. Once or twice, she got hungry. Her brain yelled at her to hunt, she craved meat and fat, but that would mean leaving her safe haven. Even getting up to head outside the derelict fortress took more energy than she wished to spare. Lichen grew on the trunks of the trees and covered some of the stones, and she scraped that away, swallowing without bothering to chew. Occasionally, she came across small blind things crawling under rocks, and she ate those too. She no longer tasted what went in her mouth. Even filling her belly did not matter, only reaching the minimum requirement of sustenance was of any concern. The moment she deemed she had eaten enough, she crawled back to the rotting fortress. When she closed her eyes, she could feel a large, warm hand on her head, the weight comforting her as she drifted somewhere between sleep and waking. People were speaking to her, a litany of buzzing voices, all familiar and yet not at the same time. The only one she could actually understand was Gunther's, a quiet whisper that sounded like it was so close, yet somehow echoed in her mind as though it were coming up from a deep well.

The words were comforting at first, assuring her that he was so proud of her, she had become so strong, so brave, she had done so well. But as the cycles of dozing and waking continued, he seemed to grow... not angry. Anxious, perhaps. He missed her. He wanted to see her again. They were so close to one another. The buzzing and waves crashing in her ears made her head ache unbearably. She followed his voice half blind, in a daze. Out towards the rickety bridges that spanned the length of the chasm. The closer she got to darkness, the louder the roar in her mind grew, and the clearer Gunther's voice became.

If you ####, we can be together...

"What?" How could she hear him over the waves?

I want to see you again. And I could if you ####... As long as you're ######, I can't see you...

"...what are you saying, Gunther...?"

####... If you ####... ####...

"L#o#! D#w# t#e#e!"

"I #e# h#r! #e#r#d#!" Nerr cringed violently as the gurgling screeches pierced her ears. Like a fork scraping a plate and then scraping her brain. She looked up in the direction of the horrible sound, a sharp pain coursing through her head at the sudden movement. There was something overhead, something other than the ever present clouds and lightning. A white blur grew larger as it approached her, large feathered wings kicking up dust as a pegasus landed on the ground beside the posts to which the weathered bridge was connected. Two people dismounted from the saddle, and it took a moment for her brain to catch up with her eyes and put names to the faces she was looking at. Hinoka and Takumi. She recognized their hair; their clothes were different, fancier, more expensive-looking robes. The moment her feet touched the ground, Hinoka charged at her. The Nohrian girl tensed, her instincts still geared up to expect an attack, but no blow came. Thin, wiry arms wrapped around her long neck, squeezing tightly.

"Oh, th#nk th# #ods, t#ank t#e go#s... yo#'re okay... tha#k the g#ds...!" The elder princess's voice still sounded like disgusting squelching in her ears, but she could better make out what was being said.

"What the hell is wrong with you, just disappearing like that? Do you have any idea how long we've been looking for you?!" Takumi's voice was angrier, but clearer still. Nerr blinked, or at least, she did in her mind, very slowly.

"...no..." She remembered leaving Hoshido, but that was it. There was no time after that. It could have been hours or years for all she knew or cared. Hinoka pulled back slightly. All the world looked gray except for the barest hints of red in the older girl's hair and clothes. Nerr recoiled from her further.

"It's been almost two weeks, Nerrida. We've been looking for you nonstop, but there was so much going on we couldn't get away from the city long enough to come out here. What are you doing here? It's not safe. We have no idea what the Nohrians are plotting- they could come out here any minute and kill you!" Her words went in one ear and out the other. She'd rather listen to her tinnitus.

"...why are you here?" Takumi scoffed so loudly, the thunder sounded quiet in comparison.

"Uh, to find you? It's not like people come here on vacation. C'mon, get up; I'm not setting foot on that bridge." Nerr stared at the boy for a very long time. Perhaps he could feel her eyes on him, because he looked away, busying himself with the pegasus' reins.

"...no. Go Away." She lowered her head once more, letting her long neck slip through the ropes and hang over the chasm.

####...

"What are you saying? What am I supposed to do...?"

"You're supposed to come back with us, Nerrida! Sakura has been crying nonstop, Ryouma hasn't slept in days- why are you doing this to us? We lost our mother, we lost Azura- now we constantly have to worry about losing you too! Why are you punishing us like this!?" Hinoka's voice gradually shifted from desperate to enraged, her fists clenched tightly at her sides. Part of Nerr wanted to apologize. Part of her wanted to bat this nuisance away. 'Be kind..' a voice that reminded her of her own whispered.

"...I'm sorry."

"That's it? You're sorry?! You go missing for weeks and you just apologize like that makes it better!? How can you-"

"Nee-san." Takumi's voice was low, holding almost a warning. "It's fine. We found her, she's sorry, just... just let it go, okay?" The Nohrian girl could smell the anger radiating from Hinoka, could see her practically vibrating in her fury as she tried to control her breathing and failed miserably. She huffed through her nose, turning on her heel and heading back towards her steed.

"Fine. Let's just go back." The word 'no' was on the tip of Nerr's tongue, but if she actually said it aloud, that would only spark more ire. There was nothing stopping her from going to Hoshido or leaving Hoshido. She had done it before. There was no outer bailey she was not allowed beyond, no massive, heavy door that she could not push open. The princess looked around, as if taking a moment to assert for herself that there truly was no boundary keeping her in one place. She glanced back down at the chasm. The waves continued lapping at her mind, the buzz of voices ebbing and flowing with her pulse. She didn't know what they wanted. She could figure it out later. Getting to her feet was a harder task than she would have thought, but she managed to hobble from the bridge. The Hoshidan prince's eyes landed on her forequarter.

"Your leg- I mean, your arm- leg- whatever. It's back! You're healed!" Nerr glanced down at the withered limb.

"No."

"What are you talking about? This is just like what happened with your foot, remember? It was all messed up, then you kept it dragon-y for a while and it healed!" She didn't know why he seemed so excited. It was... odd, wrong, to think that Takumi might be happy that she was back to normal. It felt to Nerr that her blood brother tolerated her existence at best, as though they had somehow reached a truce and mutually agreed not to loathe one another. But that was it, at least, as far as she was concerned. To see this boy practically beaming up at her, his face so expectant, as if to say of course she was all better now, made her stomach churn. She closed her eyes, thinking about the way her hand moved when it released it's grip on her dragonstone. She had to take a moment to visualize it, because it had been so long since she'd had fingers, her body couldn't remember the way they flexed. Nerr felt herself growing smaller, weaker... so much weaker. The moment her spine erected, she collapsed, unused to not distributing her weight on only two legs.

"Nee-san!" Her vision blurred and swam as color flooded back, once again only on the left side, at first the dark, subdued hues of the Chasm as well as Takumi's soothing blues and whites, almost like Azura's. She glanced down at her right side. There was still nothing there but a limp, empty sleeve. She wanted to ask why the prince looked so upset when he should have known that arms did not magically grow back, but the the words did not have time to form on her tongue as Hinoka approached them. She knew it was Hinoka, she could recognize the princess even in her new robes, but the red she wore, the red of her hair and eyes were too bright. The red of macerated flesh, of fresh blood that spilled from gaping wounds. The red seemed to leech into the rest of the world, contaminating the one familiar darkness into something twisted and wrong. Nerr could not stop her breathing from growing frantic no more than she could stop her pulse from speeding. The throbbing in her head grew more and more painful. The anger that had been writ on the Hoshidan princess's face faltered, revealing concern in her too red eyes.

"Nerrida? What's wrong? You look terrible..." She approached, and the sickening hue of blood and pus branched further out with every step she took. Nerr raised her arm to shield her eyes from the sight of it, but there was nothing there to raise. The more she breathed, the less air she seemed to take in, which spurred her to breathe faster. "Sister!"

"Nee-san!" The demonic retching bended as the colors blurred and faded to a welcomed black.

000

She didn't remember waking up. All she knew was that one moment she was watching the Infinite Chasm distort into Hell, and the next, she was staring up at the dim plaster ceiling of a room in Castle Shirasagi. Her mouth was so dry it hurt, her throat too tight to swallow, her lips cracked and bleeding. It was quiet, at least. Even the staccato chatter that always plagued her had been reduced to a faint hiss. It was tolerable. As Nerr glanced around the room she lay in, she realized she didn't know where she was. The windows, with their strange paper that diffused the light, were the same shape as the ones in the room Queen Mikoto had shown her, what was supposed to be "her" room, but nothing else looked the same. There were no toys, no paper scattered around. Maybe it had just been cleaned up, though. There was no need to keep a shrine to a memory when they had the real thing to look at and remember.

She tried to sit up, but her body would not cooperate with her. For a moment, the thought that they had cut off her other arm as well, to ensure she could not leave again, made her blood run cold, but a quick glance and wiggle assured her that she still had her three remaining limbs. She was just too tired, too weak to actually move them. There was a faint scraping sound, and the room filled with a brighter light as the door slid open. A tall figure stepped inside and closed it once more, reverting the room back to it's murky darkness once more. As the person turned around, Nerr recognized the shaggy mane of hair that pooled over his shoulders. Ryouma didn't even seem to notice her as he moved to kneel beside her, stopping abruptly as their eyes met. A heavy silence hovered between them, one that he finally broke.

"I see you're awake. That's good." Nerr said nothing, tracking his every movement. The way he sat on his knees looked incredibly uncomfortable to her, but he showed no outward signs of discomfort. Only the way his hands tightly gripped his robe, knuckles standing out against his skin. "Why did you leave, Nerrida? There was so much commotion when we first returned to Shirasagi that we didn't even realize you weren't there for hours. Do you have any idea how much we panicked when we searched every nook and cranny of the town and saw no sign of you?" That was almost exactly what Hinoka had said, in that same accusatory voice. The Nohrian remained silent, her expression blank, just watching him. "We organized a search team for you, manpower that could've been spent rebuilding what was destroyed in the war. Needing to clear one's head is one thing, but running off with no warning for weeks? Are all Nohrians that self centered, or is it just you?" He paused, clearly expecting an answer to that query. She gave none. She could see a tic going off in his jaw. "I know you hear me. Don't just lay there; say something!"

Nerr tried to swallow again but couldn't, her mouth was too dry. Ryouma seemed to notice her difficulty and reached somewhere above her head, grabbing a pitcher and a cup and pouring water from one to the other with a deep scowl on his face. He sloshed some of it over the sides of the cup, but seemed too upset to care. Surprisingly, he braced her neck as he held the cup to her lips, rather than just throwing it's contents over her like she half expected him to. She could not drink as fast as he tilted it, the water spilling over her lips and down her neck, but she didn't care, too grateful for the relief it provided for her bleeding lips. When she turned her head away, he let her fall none too gently back to the thin pillow she had been laying on. Nerr took a moment to catch her breath. When she lay perfectly on her back, she could not see the high prince in her periphery. She had to turn her head to actually see him. She didn't bother.

"Why do you need me back?" She whispered, her voice ragged and stiff from ill use. For a moment, Ryouma sputtered indignantly, perhaps not appreciating his question being answered with another question.

"What the hell are you talking about? You are a part of this family—"

"But why do you need me? I've been a part of this family for less than a year. For fifteen years, you made do without me. We are strangers, you and I. Why do you need me?"

"You are our sister—"

"But why do you need me?" This time, she did turn to face him, her eye cold and bitter. She did not allow him to break her gaze, meeting his head on. The fingers twisted in his robes tightened their grip, the delicate silk looking ready to rip at any moment.

"...you are a member of the royal family of Hoshido. When our people, your people, see us, they expect to see you as well."

"Why? I'm don't look cute like Sakura. I don't look strong like Hinoka. Takumi's children will inherit the throne before I can. So for what reason do I need to be put on display other than to prove to the Hoshidans that they won and Nohr lost?"

"There are things you can do for Hoshido other than be a figurehead." Ryouma sighed, rubbing his forehead. Nerr's head had been hurting since the moment she came to. "Three weeks from now will be my coronation. I had hoped that Shirasagi would be well on the road to recovery before I bothered with political affairs, but Yukimura advises me that they are intertwined and I am forced to agree. I would like to extend an invitation to the Nohrian royals, a peace offering of sorts, but my knowledge of Nohrian royal decorum is negligible."

"Then ask Scarlet."

"I already have, and she know as little as me. I have also asked Silas and your servants, but they all agree that you would be the authority on such things." Well, at least she had finally wrestled the truth from him. She wasn't here because he cared, but because he needed her. At least that was less insulting than him keeping up a lie.

"So... you want me to be your advisor." The older man's eyes brightened, heartened by the fact that he seemed to be getting through to her.

"Not just an advisor. An ambassador. You are in a unique position to help lay the groundwork for a lasting peace between our two nations. Were Azura still with us, I know she would rise to the occasion, but... she is not. And so it must fall to you, sister." Nerr did not respond to his heartfelt layout of the duties he expected her to fulfill. She simply stared at him, unblinking, in dead silence.

"Ryouma..." She said finally, after more than a minute of quiet. "What is my favorite color?"

"What?"

"My favorite color. Most people have one."

"I- I don't-"

"My favorite food, then? Book? Song? Flower?"

"What does this have to do with anything?" He asked, clearly exasperated by these random questions.

"What does peace for Hoshido have to do with anything? You know so little about me. You know nothing. That's why you speak as though I care about your problems. I gave you advice that you did not follow. I fought alongside you, even when I regretted it. I killed the biggest obstacle standing between you and peace, not for you but for me and me alone. How can you possibly think I actually care about what happens to this country? Every time you bring me here, I leave. You are the emperor of Hoshido. Lasting peace is your problem. This whole continent can go up in flames for all I care."

"No! You do not mean that!" Ryouma reached out, grabbing her shoulder, or rather, the space where her shoulder used to be. He tensed, cringing, but did not pull his hand away. "I know that you have lost so much. I know that everything must seem dark and hopeless to you now. But it will not always be that way. Things will get better- you will get better. And one day, years from now, you will tell your children how you made the world a better place for them. A place where they can be happy, and you can be too."

...he was almost as good at giving rousing speeches as Xander. A long time ago, she would have taken those words at face value and bought into the narrative he was weaving. But she knew this snake's game, she could smell his lies as he tried to draw her into his plans. He was cunning, a quality that would be useful as a leader. But she was smarter. And once again, in his desperation to coax her into falling in line with his wishes, he proved how ignorant he truly was. Nerr had dreamed of having children, a long, long time ago. She would let her mind drift when she was supposed to be studying, playing out vivid fantasies of beautiful children with lilac hair and violet eyes cradled against her as she leaned back against a broad chest. Strong arms with weathered, calloused hands wrapped around her, warming her very soul and leaving her content in the knowledge that she was loved... But Ryouma would never know that. He would never know anything. She turned away from him, closing her eye, suppressing a shudder as the horrible pins and needles sensation ran up her right arm again.

"I'll kill myself before I have children. There is nothing of interest for me, out there, on earth, at all. Leave me be." She could hear his teeth grinding in frustration, but the prince said nothing, getting to his feet and stalking out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him hard enough to tear the flimsy screen. Nerr knew he would be back, and as the days passed, she was proven right. Some days he came alone, other times he accompanied his siblings, though they rarely crossed the threshold of her room. Servants, not hers, just random props that all looked alike, brought her meals and checked her wounds to make sure they were healing. Her side was no longer wrapped up, and she could see the massive jagged scar where the skin from her back had been pulled over the hole and sewn closed.

There were no mirrors in the room so she didn't know what her face looked like. She didn't want to know. All that mattered was reaching up and feeling the mangled brass above her ear, ignoring the uneven, distorted flesh her fingers brushed against. There was barely enough hair to hold it in place. The right side of her head had barely any hair at all, just a few frizzy wisps. One day, Scarlet came in, looking wrong in Hoshidan robes. She thought Nerr might want to wear something a little less broken up, and had brought a gold and pink monstrosity that looked like a flower impaled with several massive pins. It was a traditional Hoshidan styled comb, the Chevois girl tried to explain, but Nerr did not listen to her. She made a conscious effort to keep her eye shut tightly and hum loudly to block out slimy hisses that invaded her ears with every word Scarlet spoke. True to her name, she was very red, her dress-like robes almost pulsating as though she were draped in tumors and guts. The princess could only cover one ear, and that was not enough.

"Go away... go away!" It was a small blessing that she did not make a fuss and simply left, though it was not enough. When one of the many interchangeable maids came in hours later bearing a tray of food, Nerr could not bring herself to lift it to her mouth. Weeks of surviving on so little left her limbs jutting from her body like sticks, her ribs poking up through her skin, but even though her body cried for food, the memory of rot and fetor contaminated everything, even the smell of the food she wanted to eat. If it smelled like blood, like meat, a fresh red smell, she could have gorged herself without a second thought. But it didn't. It reeked of sickness and decay. She turned her back on the food, keeping her eyes shut tight and breathing through her mouth so she wouldn't have to smell it. Felicia came to see her once. She didn't recognize her former maid at first. It was a foregone conclusion that the Ice Tribe heiress no longer served her, which explained why she hadn't seen her in so long. Long pink tresses now just barely reached past her ears, the ends tucked under the rest of the hair in a fluffy bob. Her blue eyes were as bright as Nerr remembered them being, but her smile seemed forced. The princess immediately told her to leave; if being in her presence was so difficult, the other girl was more than welcomed to not bother. After all, Jakob didn't and that was working out just fine. A hurt look overcame Felicia's expression. That wasn't it at all, she had exclaimed, kneeling beside her former liege and bumping into a basin of water in her haste. As she scrambled to clean her mess, her voice was soft.

"I'm sorry that I haven't visited you, Lady Nerr. It's not that I didn't want to- ...well... it kinda is... b-but not like you're thinking!"

"...then how?" The pink haired girl wrung the cloth she had used to mop up the water (the cloth Nerr kept on her head to try and soothe her headaches), dripping the water onto her own knees but barely realizing.

"...I can't stand seeing you this way..." She whispered, her voice tight with tears, and when the princess looked up at her, she could see that her eyes were as well. Felicia sniffled as tears squeezed from her tightly shut eyes and slowly made their way down her cheeks. "I remember when we were leaving Nohr. Your arm was getting worse and worse- no matter what we did, it wouldn't heal. But I kept saying, let's just give it a little more time, Lady Nerr recovered from worse injuries than that... and they listened to me... and you didn't get better. You got worse, and by the time they finally saw about you, they had to cut your whole arm off, and it's not fair! It's not fair that strong people like you and Flora have to suffer and weak people like me don't! I couldn't help Flora! I wanted to help you and I couldn't even do that much! I'm sorry!" Felicia wiped her tears away as she wailed, but they sprung anew just as quickly. Not so long ago, Nerr would have made every effort to comfort the sobbing girl, to assure her that nothing was her fault and she had nothing to be sorry for. Now... she just wished Felicia would shut up or at least cry somewhere else. If nothing else, she kept her acerbic thoughts locked away inside her mind where they belonged, festering away with the other awful things she thought. It seemed that silence did a good enough job, however, because the pink haired girl eventually calmed down, wiping her face on her sleeve one last time. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot, but at least she was quiet.

"I-I'm sorry, Lady Nerr. You've got enough problems without me crying on your shoulder... that's what Silas is for anyway!" She tried to make her voice sound chipper, but it seemed she noticed Nerr's dark expression because her attempts at lightheartedness quickly reverted back to an awkward silence. "Are... are you mad at me, milady?"

"...why would I be mad?"

"Because... Silas and I are engaged? I know you were mad when you found out Jakob was dating Oboro..." Mad? No, she hadn't been mad, just disappointed and disgusted and bitter. But the inner workings of her heart were no one's business but her own.

"That was different. Jakob was my retainer. You're just a maid. You're free to do as you please."

"...oh."

"Does that not please you? Do you want me to get mad and make a scene?"

"N-no-"

"Silas is a good man. You'll be happy together." A slight smile tugged at the corners of Felicia's lips.

"I really hope so. He really is a sweetheart. When we first started talking, I could barely stand him but-"

"Felicia?" Nerr cut her off, her own lips curled into a displeased frown. "I don't care. If this is what you came here for, you can leave." She didn't care about other people's happiness. She didn't care that their lives were moving forward and that good things were happening to them. If they wanted to be happy and in love, they could do it away from her. The tribalist faltered, the temperature around her dropping sharply.

"Uh, n-no, that's not why I came here. This is for you." Felicia lifted something dark and folded, letting it fall loose. It was a black tunic with long sleeves, simple and plain and decidedly not Hoshidan. "Silas and I were walking through the bazaar in the city square- they've fixed it a lot- and we saw this and he said that you don't really have any clothes but what you're wearing now because you won't wear Hoshidan clothes." She was right. A few days ago Takumi came in carrying something folded too, but it was much larger, a pile of cloth in too many colors and patterns.

He said that his retainer Oboro had put it together for her. Given that there was no love lost between the two women, she was fairly certain her blood brother meant that he'd had his retainer put it together for her. He dropped it beside where she sat and all but ran from the room. Nerr looked through the robes, distaste curling her lip. It was a kind enough gesture, but she had no need for, nor inclination to wear Hoshidan dress. She was not Hoshidan. She would not let people think she was Hoshidan, especially not Ryouma. This was probably all his idea anyway, to dress her up like one of them to better flaunt her around like a trophy. Grinding her teeth in anger and disgust, she'd gathered the offending things as best she could with one hand, nudging the ridiculous door open with her foot and dumping them outside it. Gingerly, Nerr reached out, gritting her teeth when she remembered she was trying to extend what was no longer there, and brushed her hands against the dark cloth. Simple linen, like most of her clothes back in Nohr. Most everything the Hoshidans wore was silk, a texture that felt strange to her. She missed the feeling of clean, soft fabric. Felicia let her take it, refolding it as best she could with one hand.

"Thank you Felicia. You and Silas both, truly." The former maid smiled slightly.

"Aw, it was nothing, but you're welcome any way, Lady Nerr. Do you want me to help you change?" Her fingers gripped the tunic tightly.

"That's not your duty anymore."

"I know." She said quietly, almost sadly. "But I don't always do things because it's my 'duty'. Sometimes, I just want to help a friend." Nerr looked up at her, blinking through her confusion. Friend... A small part of her mind wanted to laugh and scoff. They weren't friends. Friends shared things with one another. Felicia had said nothing about getting so close to Silas, just like Jakob... but then again, she hadn't asked. She never inquired into anyone's life. She almost felt guilty about that. Almost. Instead, she just tamped down everything she felt and nodded. In truth, Nerr was grateful for the help. Pulling the shirt she wore over her head wasn't impossible, but it would be incredibly difficult with only one arm to maneuver. Felicia's hands were cold as they brushed her skin. She flinched, pulling her hand away as her fingers met the jagged line where the flesh had been sewn together. Something heavy settled in Nerr's stomach.

"I'm sorry. This must be uncomfortable for you. I can only imagine how disgusting I look to an outside observer." Felicia shook her head, and it served as an odd sight to no longer see the wildly swinging ponytail.

"It's not! And you don't! You look strong, and brave... like Sir Gunther used to. I was just scared I might have hurt you- I know my hands are cold..." As she unlaced the neck of the tunic, the pink haired girl fell silent for a long time. Her voice, when she finally spoke up again, was a small whisper laced with uncertainty.

"...how does it feel, milady? Like... does it hurt? It looked so painful... I never saw that much of a person not attached to a person before..." Nerr could only imagine. They cut out her shoulder blade- she could feel that when she leaned her back against something. She thought about what she should say, how to describe the sensation of a limb simply not being there anymore.

"...sometimes. Not a real pain per se, but... it's a horrible irritation. It feels like my arm is asleep and I can't do anything to relieve that. ...it feels like it's still there. I can feel it, I can feel my fingers. I still reach for things... and when I don't grab them, that's when I remember." Felicia paused, the black cloth gathered in her hands as she stared down at her once ladyship. Her pale blue eyes seemed impossibly large in the gloom, and they shone wetly.

"...I'm so sorry, Lady Nerr. I just... I'm so sorry!" She dipped her head, shoulders shaking silently as tears dripped from the tip of her nose.

"Felicia." Nerr called to the maid but said nothing more, waiting for her full attention. "It's fine. Everything is fine."

"B-but—"

"It's fine, Felicia. It's nothing you need to get yourself worked up over her." The princess paused. "...can I have that shirt now? You probably don't feel it, but it's cold in here."

"Oh! You're right, I'm such a feather head!" Felicia pulled the tunic over Nerr's head, and she managed to work her arm through the sleeve on her own as the thin cloth flowed down her torso. The right sleeve hung limp, conspicuously empty. For a long moment, both women just stared at it. "Um... oh! Here..." Felicia grabbed the sleeve and tied it into a knot at the base, leaving it shorter. It was still very noticeable, but it no longer dangled, which Nerr appreciated greatly.

"Thank you, Felicia. It's better like that."

"Oh, don't mention it. Maybe one day when you're not wearing it, I can just cut that sleeve off and sew it up. I'd offer to do it now, but I don't think you could endure any more grievous bodily harm." She smiled slightly, wanting to be amused by the girl's self deprecating humor, but not able to put her heart into it.

"You should go now. Run into the arms of your beau. Try not to trip and accidentally push him off a cliff." Felicia giggled slightly at those words, getting to her feet and stretching lackadaisically.

"Well, okay. If you need anything, you can still call on me, Lady Nerr. Maybe I'm not your maid, but I am still your friend." The smile that tugged at her lips was a bit more sincere this time. She remained where she was until well after the other girl left the room, sliding the door shut behind her.

When she could hear no more retreating footsteps, Nerr stood as well, nearly toppling over as she tried to find her balance. The tunic came down to her knees. Once muscular legs now stuck out from the hem like bones covered in mottled, melted skin. With slow, deliberate steps, the Nohrian girl walked over to the singular window. Paper rather than glass. In Nohr, paper was a luxury, used for books and tomes, while the sand that was useless for farming found new life in glass. She remembered sitting by the tall windows in her room, watching Xander or Gunther train, or just staring out at the seemingly endless mountain and thinking about "some day". She could not see through this paper. Were Hoshidans so blasé to the natural wonders of their world that they had gotten bored with them? Frowning, Nerr reached out, pressing her finger against the translucent screen. It tore, yielding under the slightest pressure.

It must have never stormed, or even rained heavily in Hoshido. Strong winds had broken several windows in the citadel. The whole place was falling apart. She missed it so much... Digging her fingers into the paper, she tore a larger hole, leaning down to look out. Everything was so bright and vivid, it hurt her eyes. That bright blue sky, like Flora's hair, like Azura's... Nerr... Her head snapped up, and she instinctively looked around for the source of the voice before she realized it was coming from her head... and at the same time, not. It definitely came from a certain direction, even if she could not hear it with her ears. She narrowed her eye, trying to pinpoint exactly where it hailed from. Well in the distance, northwest from where she stood, she could see the verdant canopy of a forest. The craggy peaks of the Infinite Chasm could be seen beyond. Nerr... The voice, the sound, grew louder the longer she stared in that direction.

"...hmm." She did not have long to contemplate the voice for the shoji doors slid open once more, just wide enough to allow Sakura to slip inside. Unlike the others, she did not bother closing it behind her, leaving that small gap for light to filter into the room. Nerr stared at her, waiting for her to speak, but the priestess said nothing, looking at her hands. Were it anyone else, she would have let the silence stretch on indefinitely, but the sight of Sakura's downcast eyes and gloomy expression left her with a twinge of guilt. "What is it, Sakura?" The younger girl squared her shoulders. She looked like she was preparing to do something unpleasant.

"...R-ryouma nii-sama's Enthronement is t-tomorrow..." Nerr would have wondered how they managed to put together a crowning ceremony so soon after returning to a war torn land, but it quickly dawned on her that she had no idea what day it was, to say nothing of the month. Glancing back at the brilliant blue sky, she was confident in saying it was daytime, but aside from that, she had no idea how much time had passed since the end of the war. She decided it was best to keep that to herself.

"Why isn't he telling me that."

"Because he k-knows you won't care..." Sakura whispered, her tone almost... harsh.

"Then why send you?"

"N-nobody sent me. I came on my-my own. Everyone was discussing who should tell you, b-but..." ...but they didn't want to. They knew she wouldn't care; they didn't want to step into the abyss of misery that surrounded her just to receive an eye roll for their trouble.

"Well. Now I know." A heavy quiet filled the air, charging it in a manner similar to the air before a storm.

"...-n't-... -care..." The young princess mumbled, her words all blending together to form one long, unintelligible word. Nerr could have just ignored it as she ignored everything else. If she didn't feel like speaking clearly, whatever she was saying couldn't really be that important, right? Still, Nerr could not stand not knowing things. When she heard people talking, her mind demanded to know what they were talking about. Was it her? Was it something she did, something she didn't do? Time had not changed that mindset.

"What did you say?" Sakura quickly looked up, her eyes flashing.

"I said, why don't you care!?" The Nohrian recoiled slightly, taken about by this harsh almost yelling. Even though the bright orangey red eyes staring up at her held sadness, there was undeniable anger in their depths as well.

"Excuse me?" The priestess looked away from her, twisting the hem of her skirt between her fingers. Her voice was softer once more, but still sounded upset.

"You never care... about any of us... about anything. We were so happy when you came back- Mother said we would be a family again... But it's like you never came back at all. We always leave a place for you at the table, but you're never there... It feels like there's a ghost living here with us." The anger faded from her voice, leaving only sadness. "...I wanted to talk to you... I wanted to spend time with you... But I know you'll just say no. No, you won't say anything at all..." Nerr stared at the girl, emotions simmering inside her, a blend of anger and exasperation and a pinch of guilt. Her knee jerk reaction was to jump down the girl's throat, to yell at her that she had no right to complain when she understood nothing, but... just thinking of that made her tired. There was no explaining soul crushing defeat to someone who had not experienced it- it was just like explaining how it felt to lose an arm. The older girl turned away from her blood sister, looking back out the hole she had made in the window.

"I will go to Ryouma's coronation." There was an audible gasp behind her.

"R-really? You m-mean it? Oh... Ryouma nii-sama will be so happy! He says we wouldn't have even won the war if it hadn't been for you."

"...is that so..." She was surprised he would even give her any credit to begin with, but he was probably spinning the story so that her Hoshidan pride had made her strong enough to slay the wicked Nohrians who stood against their desire for peace. Sakura was still talking.

"-isn't much time. We all have our outfits for the ceremony, but I'm sure Oboro-san could find something for you to-"

"No."

"Huh?" Nerr looked over her shoulder, seeing nothing but the wall because she had turned to the right meaning Sakura was looking at an empty socket surrounded by melted flesh.

"I'm not wearing a kimono or whatever you call them. What I have on now is fine." She imagined the young girl looking her up and down, probably frowning slightly.

"B-but—"

"But nothing. If it is truly my presence that is desired, and not what I represent, then it shouldn't matter how I'm dressed." When Sakura didn't say anything for a long time, Nerr turned to face her better. She was fiddling with the tassels affixed to her cloak. Red tassels, red strings like shreds of muscle that looked like they could just be peeled off from her arm after the javelin hit it. She turned away quickly, fixating her gaze on the blue, blue sky. Almost at once, her breathing, which she didn't even notice growing frantic, began to calm.

"I-I guess you're right... I've never seen that dress before."

"Felicia gave it to me."

"Oh. Well... I-it's pretty. It suits you, nee-sama. I... I'm going to go tell Ryouma nii-sama that you are coming to the Enthronement. That'll at least be one less thing for him to worry about. He's been so stressed over having the Nohrian royals come-"

"Wait, what? Nohrian- you mean Leo and Camilla!?" Gods above, how had she not heard about that? How long had she been in this room, or at the Chasm or in Hoshido? What year was it? She spun around, rushing towards Sakura and grabbing her shoulder tightly. "They're coming here? To Hoshido? Tomorrow!?" Her sister stared up at her with wide, fearful eyes. Nerr could only imagine what kind of crazed monster she looked like, but she didn't care.

"Y-y-yes! Th-they're already in Hoshido- they'll be arriving in Shirasagi tomorrow..." She let her go, turning around once more and running her hand through her choppy, frayed hair. She could feel the grease clinging to the strands. Leo and Camilla would be here. She hadn't seen them since... since Elise and Xander were still alive. She hadn't even said goodbye... but that didn't matter. They would be here tomorrow, they would be close to her again. For a moment, a shining imagine of them embracing lit up her mind, a glorious dream where they came to rescue her and take her home... Of course, that couldn't happen, but it was so vivid, so beautiful and perfect that she could not shake it. Lowering her hand, she walked back over to the window, feeling like she was trapped in some sort of dream state. The clouds were so white. The voice calling to her was louder now, but it seemed less pressing than it normally did. Her siblings were coming. Maybe they could be a family again, if only for a few seconds. She wanted that so badly...

000

Nerr could not tell if the crowd in Shirasagi was larger or smaller than it had been the day her mother had died and the war had begun in earnest. It looked big, but she could barely see. Everything was so bright. It had been so long since she'd felt sunlight on her skin. Even though her sleeve was long and her tights covered everything but her toes, the Nohrian girl still felt as though she was on fire. Suppressing a shudder, she eased further into the shade cast by the new statue to adorn the town square. Gone was the coiled figure of the Dawn Dragon the Hoshidans worshiped, and in it's place stood a figure they seemed to revere even more. Her mother looked as serene chiseled from marble as she had in flesh. Nerr's most vivid memory of the late empress dowager was of her face pale and twisted in pain as she died. She stopped thinking about that.

Her Hoshidan siblings were standing in the the full sun, wearing long, complex robes that looked heavy and hot. There was so much red, red and gold and bones split in half and oozing marrow onto the floor- She looked up at the sky, shielding her eye from the intense light. That was a little better. Scarlet stood amongst the royal family- apparently, she and Ryouma had made their engagement official, and they would be wed sometime later that week. All Nerr had paid attention to from the randomly snatched gossip she heard was that no one was pleased to know their new empress consort would be a Nohrian. Bad enough the last one had been a foreigner, but at least she looked Hoshidan. The princess couldn't pinpoint where the voice that had sneered that tidbit had come from- the whispers where everywhere, ebbing and flowing every time she tried to concentrate on something in particular. None of the voices sounded familiar.

She couldn't see her brother and sister anywhere. Maybe they hadn't come. Maybe people noticed that she was busy scanning the crowd instead of watching Ryouma, decked out in robes and armor much more ornate than his usual attire and atop a raised platform. She must have stood out like a sore thumb in her black on black. She prayed Camilla and Leo would do the same. People were talking. Men and women who looked almost as elegant as the royals were stepping forward, kneeling before the high prince. Nerr recognized Lord Izana and Fuuga. There was no two-tone head of curls; Shura was not there. She wondered if Ryouma had kept his promise to pay the duke for his aid. Maybe he just hadn't wanted to see the royal family again. A man with dusky blue hair limped forward. One of Yukimura's legs was held in some sort of very mechanical looking splint.

"People of Hoshido!" He addressed the crowd. "Let it be known that on this day, Ametsuchi Ryouma, High Prince of Hoshido, has succeeded Empress-Dowager Mikoto. He takes the throne at the cusp of a new era of peace in our land. Ryouma-sama..." He bowed to the prince, handing him a simple wooden scepter. It seemed odd to Nerr that there was no crown in sight, but maybe it was somehow buried in Ryouma's hair. The brunette smiled as he took the staff.

"Thank you, Yukimura-san." Fixing his expression into a sterner look, he addressed his people. "My people. As emperor, I vow to uphold the values my mother represented so well. Justice. Charity. Equality. And above all... peace. We shall lead the world into a new age of prosperity." Applause erupted in the square. Nerr's fingers twisted in the cloth of her tunic. In front of her, the Hoshidan royals were talking amongst themselves.

"Nii-sama looks so r-regal! I-I'm so happy..." Given the ways she was sniffling almost nonstop, constantly reaching up to dab at her eyes, it seemed "happy" was a bit of a stretch for the youngest princess. Scarlet reached out, pulling her into a half hug.

"You okay, Sakura? Why are you crying? This is a great day!" The priestess nodded slightly.

"I-I know... I was just thinking of how happy this would make Mother... and Azura... and Hana...!" Her face crumpled as she wept silently. The Chevois woman cringed slightly, but patted the younger girl on the head.

"Hey, cheer up. You know they're happy, and they wouldn't want you crying over them when you should be happy too."

"That's right." Hinoka put a hand on her sister's shoulder, though her own smile looked a bit forced. "That's right. They're probably watching over us right now, tearing up themselves..." She trailed off, quickly fisting away a tear that had started trickling down her cheek. With the crowd now calm once more, Ryouma raised his voice to reach them all. With his fist raised, and his expression so severe, he looked downright pissed.

"Before you all leave this day and return to your lives, I have a few more words for you. ….With any war comes casualties. But the casualties of this war have been almost too much to bear." Nerr felt her jaw tense- Xander would have made a similar speech, and now Camilla was going to have to- "I speak, of course, of our beloved Empress Mikoto." A hateful chill surged through her blood. What about all of the soldiers, the civilians? She wasn't even thinking of the Nohrians- their grief would be felt on the other side of the Chasm, but what of the Hoshidans who had fallen in this wretched power play? Was their loss not too much to bear? Was Azura's bearable by comparison? He was still talking, but the new emperor glanced over his shoulder for a split second at her. Perhaps he could feel her glaring at the back of his head.

"Still, we must move forward. The crisis out world faced is finally at an end, the killing has stopped, and now, our children and our children's children can finally know peace. After generations of war between our countries, we have made peace with Nohr." The hopeful looks directed at Ryouma turned bitter and dark, but he continued. "I know some of you here probably find that difficult to believe, but there can be no light without shadow. The two compliment each other... And so, too, do the two greatest empires that ever were. But the divide has grown too pronounced. We cannot grow brighter and brighter whilst to the west, children die from hunger. We in Hoshido must share our light, and our bounty-"

"And what do those anyan devils share with us?!" An outraged voice from the back of the crowd called out. "Nothing but death and destruction!" Murmured agreements swept over the crowd, more voices speaking up, bolstered by the knowledge they were not alone.

"To hell with the Nohrians! They deserve all the suffering they endure."

"Mikoto-sama made a barrier to keep them out and now you want them waltzing in!?"

"No, she did not!" Ryouma yelled back, his deep voice silencing the crowd. "My mother's barrier did not keep Nohrians out. It drained from them the will to fight. Which is why provinces like Mokushuu and Izumo regularly traded with them. The magic our empress used was meant to foster peace. Unfortunately, she could not, or simply did not, think to apply that same magic to her own people. All Nohrians are not savage, war-mongering demons. They are people, just the same as you. For all the destruction King Garon wrought upon our land, we paid Nohr back in kind." A cheer went up among the crowd. "Stop it! Stop that!" Ryouma seemed to be getting frustrated. "Do you not see what you are doing? You are celebrating murder! You cheer the thought of people dying, people with families, people who were loved, and yet you think yourselves better than the Nohrians?

...I will be the first to admit that I was like you. I wanted to grind my foes to dust so that they would never again be a threat to my homeland. And then I did just that. And I regret it every day. I regret following my father's example rather than my mother's. I regret thinking in terms of 'us' and 'them'. There is no us and them! We are them- the only difference is we were lucky enough to be born in a land blessed by the gods. We were lucky enough to not have famine after famine leave our country a wasteland. And as the gods are my witness, no longer will I allow us to take that for granted. We have much to learn from our Nohrian brothers and sisters, and we shall. We will move forward on the same path towards a brighter future. Together. ...Thank you for your time, and may the gods bless you." He stepped down, and while there was applause, it sounded much more subdued, more reluctant, than before. The buzz of whispers, some disbelieving, most upset, was louder than the clapping. The new emperor approached his siblings, and Nerr spoke up before she could stop herself.

"That was some speech. I'm surprised all the crying didn't distract you." She glanced over at Sakura, Hinoka and Scarlet, who were all quickly wiping their eyes. "I'd have sworn the people were actually buying it... until you started sympathizing with Nohr. Good job on ruining your political future."

"Yes, I'd noticed that... the anger, not the crying." Ryouma frowned deeply, his expression dark. "I don't know why I always thought peace would be simple. ...perhaps because I only thought of peace for Hoshido. Perhaps if you had kept your word and left us in Chevalier, I would still only think about peace for Hoshido. I wouldn't have seen the Nohrian's suffering- I'd have just seen the enemy." He sighed deeply. Nerr stared at him, her eye constantly darting to the crimson plates of his armor and away again. Her head was killing her.

"I think about that too. Well... regardless of the reason, you sound like an actual leader now." Her blood brother smiled at her words, a smile she did not return.

"I'm glad you think so. When I was writing my speech, I wondered to myself, 'how would Nerrida talk about the Nohrians?' ...and then I had to scratch out a lot of swearing and remember not to refer to the crowd as 'fucking idiots'." The other royals laughed at that, and it seemed the tension had finally eased off a bit. "Hopefully you all didn't notice how nervous I was up there." Nerr didn't blame him for being nervous- she had honestly been expecting someone to try and assassinate him. Takumi spoke up, his face brighter and more open than she had ever seen it.

"You looked collected and regal. Not that I'm surprised- this is the great Ryouma we're talking about."

"It was quite a moment when Yukimura-san handed you the scepter." Hinoka beamed.

"Indeed. It was quite a moving scene..." A sultry voice cooed from behind them. Nerr whipped around, nearly falling in her haste to see the source of that oh so familiar voice. Camilla and Leo were dressed similarly to her, though their clothes were lavish and ornate, befitting royalty. Her heart raced but her expression felt as though it stayed the same. Given that most of her face was stiff, the thick scar tissue from the burns she'd suffered making it painful to emote, that wasn't too surprising. Ryouma stepped forward and bowed lowly.

"Prince Leo. Princess Camilla. I am honored you could make it today."

"Well, it wouldn't do for Hoshido's 'newest allies' to miss the emperor's coronation, would it?" Leo's voice was amiable enough, but there was a marked chill in his tone, as well as his eyes as they darted over to Nerr. She looked away from him, angling her right side away from his gaze. "I'm surprised you didn't start crying, Nerr. You're usually prone to an excess of emotion, especially when it comes to moving things."

"Oh, I thought it was moving... my bowels." She retorted without thinking, a pure instinct to match wits with her little brother. "I know you've been busy since the war ended. I'm certain you've had more pressing concerned than making nice with the enemy. Still... I'm so happy to see you both..."

"...yes, because that rictus grimace of agony screams 'happy'..." Gods, was it that bad? She turned further away, nearly turning her back on them.

"Why are you hiding from us, Nerr?" Camilla asked quietly, her voice growing louder as the click of heels on cobbled street approached. "Bad enough you left without so much as a goodbye, now you won't even look at us? Have you grown that tired of us?"

"No, Camilla-" The older woman put a hand on her shoulder, only there was no shoulder there. She gasped, recoiling.

"Oh gods! What happened to you?! Your arm-"

"War. War happened." The younger princess stiffened, staring at the ground with such intensity her eye hurt. Had she been just as horrified stumbling upon Elise and Xander's bodies? Had she thought that was why Nerr seemingly left without a word? Leo's voice remained cold.

"You're alive. That's more than can be said for some people..." Once again, the tension returned. Scarlet stepped forward, her hand on Ryouma's elbow and her voice jovial, though it seemed a bit forced.

"So! How are you liking Hoshido? This is your first time here, isn't it?" Ham fisted an approach though it was, she at least managed to shift the subject.

"Hoshido is a beautiful country." Camilla admitted. "It looks like something out of a fantasy painting. It's hard to believe the sky can be so blue all the time."

"It's warm." The Nohrian prince said bluntly, but Nerr felt the weight behind his words. She still marveled over how mild weather was here. It felt so strange to not be woken up by shivering, to not contend with freezing wind and blizzards that could mean death at any moment... "Although I can't say I'm fully comfortable walking around here just yet, what with all the curses, insults, death threats, and people spitting at me."

"Maybe you should try dressing less Nohrian." Takumi intoned with a shrug, flinching as Nerr affixed him with a resentful glare, one that Leo mirrored. "What? I'm not saying it as an insult- it's only been two months since Nohrian soldiers all but burned Shirasagi to the ground. People aren't going to take too kindly to seeing someone walking around, rubbing their... Nohrian-ness in everyone's faces. We have tailors here..." He trailed off weakly. Camilla tittered, though when the younger princess glanced at her, she could see her face looked stiff.

"Perhaps we will 'go native', so to speak. Hoshidans do such lovely things with silk. I'm certain Elise would have loved to-" She broke off, covering her face with her hands and sobbing openly. Leo was at his sister's side at once, rubbing her back comfortingly. Nerr stepped back, feeling her heart thud painfully. They looked like a family, sharing their grief, their love. She was intruding, just by looking at them. She belonged in their fold no more than she belonged in the Hoshidans'. She turned away, unable to bear the sight of them- she could practically see Xander and Elise beside them, an after image that would not fade. Ryouma's voice was heavy and plaintive.

"I am so sorry for your loss. Those who fell in the war will never be forgotten. We won't easily forget how many lives were lost to Hoshidan blades... Nerrida will never let us, I assure you. All we can do from this point forward to atone is prevent such destruction from ever happening again..." Camilla lowered hands, her eyes bloodshot and cold.

"Right you are, Emperor Ryouma. But you'll have to forgive me if your words ring rather hollow to me. If I were involved in the death of your youngest sister, would you truly believe I could ever atone?"

"...no." He whispered. "Were it in my power as emperor, my first act would be to bring back your family. Azura as well- it is cruel that she was taken from all of us just as the war came to an end..."

"I miss Azura nee-sama so much...!" Sakura wailed, burying her face in her arms. Hinoka's hands balled into fists as she muttered to herself, her voice tight with tears as well.

"I didn't spend enough time with her when I had the chance..."

"Again with the crying?" Takumi sounded exasperated as he looked at his sisters. "Look, it might have taken me a while to warm up to Azura, but in the end... I-I really miss her, too..." His voice cracked slightly, and he finished in a whisper. Leo seemed as uncomfortable with the display as Nerr would have if she were paying attention to anything but the demonic buzzing in her head.

"...you all are going to need to learn to hold it together if you're to attend my coronation. I will tolerate no maudlin sentiments. We can't have all of Nohr thinking Hoshidans are such emotional fools. It would only add insult to injury." Nerr's head snapped up at those words.

"Your coronation...? But... Camilla is the heir apparent..." She looked between her siblings, breathing growing quicker. Was Camilla even standing there? Maybe she was just imagining it, maybe she had watched her sister die as well and had forgotten it, or maybe she was just dreaming. Maybe she was dead and this was hell again and everything would turn red once more 'Is this a nightmare? Am I dreaming? Am I even alive right now...?!' She could barely hear her own frantic thoughts over the roaring sound in her ears.

"-ly right, sweetie. I was." She had no idea how long Camilla had been speaking before she'd heard her. "But I all but begged Leo to take my place, and he graciously agreed. I have no desire to rule a kingdom, and I doubt I would be anything but mediocre. Nohr needs better than me right now..." She paused, and glanced at Nerr, her eyes a myriad of emotion. "Truth be told... had anything ever happened to Xander, I had intended to let you ascend the throne in my place, Nerr. ...I always knew you had it in you to be a fantastic leader..." She trailed off, looking forlorn. Silence fell over them, so heavy Nerr could feel her shoulders hurt. If anything had happened to Xander... How could that "if" seem like it had been so long ago? She could not imagine ruling Nohr. Sitting on the throne that was meant to be her brother's, wearing the crown that was meant to be her brother's... Where was he buried? He was screaming in her mind, a bitter cry of anger and sorrow. She wanted to see him. To know where he was, so be close to him, to know the exact place his voice would come from, unlike hearing it come from everywhere like Gunther's.

"So there you have it." Leo said, his expression never shifting from that hard facade. "You all should know that I have big plans for Nohr. I think a bit of... shall we say, competition? Would do Hoshidans well. They can do without quite so much cheap entertainment in Nestra."

"What, you're gonna ban Hoshidans from certain parts of the country?" Takumi asked in disbelief.

"Of course not- what would that accomplish? I'm going to raise taxes for tourists."

"That's even worse!" Scarlet half laughed. Frowning, the prince- no... future king... turned on his heel. Before he could take more than a step away, Nerr pinched his short cape between her fingers. He paused, but did not look at her.

"Yes?"

"...where are Elise and Xander? I... I would like to see them..." She whispered. 'I would like to go home...'

"They are buried in the royal cemetery, just as all royals are. At least, those who's bodies we find." The accusation in his voice was unmissable, but it was his next words that actually hurt. "But it doesn't matter, because you will not be seeing them."

"What!?"

"Why the hell not?!"

"What are you talking about?" Her blood siblings voiced aloud the onslaught of thoughts that flooded her mind. Her mouth remained closed, silent.

"Prince- King Leo, surely you don't intend to deny Nerrida a chance to say goodbye to her family..." Ryouma reasoned. Leo's face was as hard and cold as Xander's had been when they crossed paths in Cyrkensia. He looked so much older than 16 years in his hate.

"I do, in fact, Emperor Ryouma. Regardless of reasons, regardless of justification, you," He pointed at Nerr, who was still weakly clutching his cape. "Are still directly responsible for the deaths of more than half of the royal family. The Hoshidans may have killed our soldiers, but they were enemies. You were one of us, Nerr. And you betrayed us. Most of the kingdom is demanding your head on a pike, and regardless of who you might be- or rather, had once been- to us, the people deserve justice. ...If you ever return to Nohr, you will be executed." The Hoshidans were outraged on her behalf, but all Nerr felt was a cold, numb detachment. The people, the world she once loved so much, wanted her dead.

"...so when can I come home...?" Her younger brother sighed, looking like he had lived countless lifetimes of pain.

"...stay in Hoshido, Nerr. Don't be responsible for us losing another family member." He pulled his cape from her, walking away without so much as a word of goodbye. Camilla took a step to follow him, but stopped, turning back to her hosts.

"Please don't think poorly of Leo because of this. He simply... he's under a great deal of stress at the moment. One of his retainers left without a word, along with one of mine, and he's heartbroken."

"We understand all too well, Princess Camilla. A canyon is not carved in a day, and neither is a solid relationship between Nohr and Hoshido. However, I sincerely hope time will work to heal at least some of these wounds." Ryouma's voice was warm, his expression open and sincere. Nerr didn't trust him one bit, but Camilla seemed to, because her smile looked a little less strained as.

"As do I. I must take my leave, everyone, but I look forward to seeing you at the coronation ceremony." She dipped into a curtsy as the Hoshidans and Scarlet bowed.

Nerr remained as she was, hand still raised though there was nothing for her to hold. As her sister walked away after Leo, the brightly lit world seemed to grow a bit dimmer, duller, as if the true source of light was vanishing. Returning to Nohr was a death sentence. It was almost funny that that was exactly what she had been wary of at the onset of the war. 'Oh gods, take me with you... Don't leave me all alone... again...' A hand settled on what was left of her right shoulder. She did not flinch or move away or even acknowledge it. Nerr felt it's weight, but other than that, there was no sensation. No pain or warmth- everything felt numb. Was there damage done to the nerves that remained, or was her mind so doused in static that she did not register what she was feeling?

"Do not take this to heart, Nerrida. The Nohrians... they need time to heal. You will see them again soon. They are your siblings after all." No. Not anymore. Didn't he realize that? Didn't he realize that she had burned every last one of her bridges and now, she well and truly trapped? Nohrians did not forgive so easily, and they never forgot. The Hoshidans, however, acted as though the tension had been minimal. Hinoka's sigh sounded much lighter than it should have now that she knew that Leo would be the future ruler of the west. Leo, who bore grudges for years. Leo, who had stolen her cat, her first and only pet, to get back at her for something she had done when she was eight, something she'd done in retaliation for his actions... This war was not over. Nerr could feel it in the marrow of her bones, a seething hiss in her ears that warned of calamity.

"Too bad they're leaving so soon. They're going to miss the festival!" Death was coming, everything was red...

"...festival?" She asked blankly. How could... how could they have a festival? They were still rebuilding. They should still be in mourning. Hinoka frowned slightly, her voice a bit more subdued, as though she was talking about something shameful.

"Oh yeah... I forgot you've never seen a Hoshidan festival before." Nerr had never seen any festival before. She had heard about them, the celebrations of holy days her family had been required to attend. The Hoshidan princess was still talking, growing more energetic the more she spoke. "It's like... the biggest party you can imagine. So turn that frown upside down and get ready to dance!" Sakura clapped her hands together in excitement, smiling though there were still traces of moisture on her cheeks.

"Oh, it's been s-so long since we've had a proper festival. D-do you think there will be dango? I miss dango..."

"Of course there'll be dango." Takumi said dismissively. "What kind of festival doesn't have street food? Just... try not to embarrass yourselves this time you're members of the royal family." Ryouma grinned.

"That's an odd thing coming from you, Takumi, considering last year you were the one who drank so much sake you climbed on the stage while the minstrels were playing..." The other Hoshidans laughed as the second prince covered his face in humiliation. Ryouma's mirth softened into a smile as he looked at Nerr, who was staring past them all. "I think some mindless enjoyment will do you well, sister."

"Yeah!" Hinoka supplied. "We can help you with the games-"

"No."

"You think you can do the ring toss left handed?" Scarlet grinned. "Well, look at you. I'm impressed." The Nohrian girl shook her head, never letting her gaze shift from where it was fixated.

"No. I mean no, I will not be attending this festival. Parties and I do not mix. I've had all the crowds I can stomach for one lifetime. I'm going to sleep." The Hoshidans stared at her, crying out in protest. Sakura rushed forward, her expression of breaking down.

"B-but nee-san, all you've done for weeks is sleep...! Come to the festival! Please, it's just one day!" Nerr fixed her with a stare that bordered on hateful. Her chose her words very carefully.

"...I'm sorry. Does dying not earn me a bit of rest? Because need I remind you, I died. I lost parts of my body. I lost my family. I've been exiled from my home. ...I came to your coronation like I said I would. I'm done." She began heading east. They were talking about her. How could they not be after she had spoken so harshly to sweet, innocent little Sakura who could never, ever, EVER replace Elise and how dare they even think she could!? Elise who would run after her, grab her hand and dig in her heels to try and stop her from leaving, Big sis, no! Nerr shook off her hand violently. But there was nothing there. No Elise. No hand. She needed to sleep. There would be peace when she slept.

000

Nerr's feet carried her to a large lake in the middle of a clearing. There was a short wharf jutting out into the water. She had once seen a woman, a vision in blue and white and gold, glide over it, singing sweetly. No sweet music filled the air now, not even that of birds or insects. There was only a burst of harsh, staccato screaming that came so suddenly and loud that the princess stumbled, falling to her hand and knees on the sandy bank. Water lapped at her fingertips. The voices quieted a bit, an ever present buzz, but bearable. She stared at her hand, sinking into the wet sand. Nerr... Yurari yurureri...

"You are the ocean's gray waves..." She blinked slowly. Her hand was still there.

"Desperate to seek life beyond the shore, just out of reach..."

A loud voice echoed through the air, but it was almost... soothing. Something comforting in it's familiarity. Nerr looked up, blinking methodically to see if the figure would vanish like they sometimes did. It didn't. Awkwardly pushing herself to her feet, she walked into the lake, stumbling over slick pebbles but not stopping until she was in up to her knees. She stared out over it's surface. The sun painted the lapis water with golden streaks.

"So are you a hallucination, or a vengeful ghost?" Azura turned just enough to gave her a sidelong glance. Nerr felt that she could ever so slightly see through the songstress's form, but maybe that was just her eye playing tricks on her.

"Do I look vengeful, Nerr?"

"That innocent facade can hide a lot of crazy. ...I have your pendant." She held up her hand, the beaded chain still wrapped around her wrist. "Did you want it back?"

"I can't do anything with it. Throw it away."

"That seems a waste. You don't want to give it to Sakura, or Hinoka?" After all, Azura seemed to have loved them both very must.

"Hmm..." She sounded thoughtful, but said nothing, to which Nerr responded with nothing. They seemed very similar. Two ghosts, one trapped amongst the the living, the other trapped away from them. Slowly, Azura lifted her arm, pointing out towards the middle of the lake. "Tell me Nerr. What do you see in the lake?"

"...water. Why; what am I supposed to see?"

"I think you might see something else. ….try not to think. Clear your mind and focus on my voice. Focus on the lake. Don't look away." Nerr stared out over the crystal clear water, shining in the sunlight. Over the staccato hiss in her mind, she could hear Azura's voice, high and clear.

"Sing with me a song of conquest and fate. The black pillar cracks beneath it's weight. Night breaks through the day, hard as a stone, Lost in Thoughts All Alone..."

While the songstress sang, the static in her mind fell almost completely silent. The colors seemed to dull a bit. Even the lake seemed to grow darker, save for the middle, which shone like a window with a light on. Someone was standing there, right there in the middle of the lake. The moment she blinked, the human shape was gone.

"Azura?" She looked over to her side to find nothing there. The water remained still and calm. A cold feeling settled in her stomach. Nerr... It was coming from the water, just as it had come from the depths of the chasm. Maybe Azura knew what she had been seeking and was telling her what to do. The brush behind her rustled, a tall figure clad in white and red stepping into the clearing.

"Nerrida, what are you doing out here?" Ryouma sounded tried, as though he had no energy to be mad at her. "I thought you were going to sleep?"

"I am."

"Then you need to go back to the castle."

"I will." The emperor made a noise that sounded like he was satisfied with her answers. When he spoke, however, his voice was uncertain.

"Were you... singing... a moment ago? I know I heard singing, and I thought... It sounded a lot like the song Azura used to sing..."

"I was lost in thoughts all alone." Ryouma chuckled slightly. If Nerr bothered to turn around to face him, she was certain she would've seen him smiling wryly, his dark eyes cast with sadness.

"I suppose that's why you're standing in the water. Azura used to do that. Mother as well..." He sighed deeply. She could hear him turning to leave. "Just come back before it gets dark, Nerrida. Hinoka's going to have a fit if you run off again." She said nothing, and it seemed that had been expected, because her blood brother did not press the matter, simply heading back the way he had come.

The voice calling to her grew more insistent. When she could no longer hear Ryouma's steps, she began walking as well, heading deeper into the lake with every step. The water was just barely tepid, but the sun was warm. By the time she had gone to waist high water, her feet could no longer touch the bottom. Inhaling, she ducked her head under, opening her eye while the empty socket filled up. Everything was clear and beautiful, bubbles floating like strings of pearls. The light shone even brighter, warm and comforting, almost as familiar as the voice that called out to her, louder and louder until she could feel it pressing against her lungs and heart and brain as she awkwardly tried to make her way towards the glowing beacon with only one arm. Nerr... come home, Nerr... we miss you... Yes. She missed everybody as well. She would go home and amend her mistakes. And everything would be fine. The light grew brighter and brighter, blinding her completely as she drew closer, until it finally

000000000000

"For I know I cannot bear it all alone."

000000000000

A/N- w00t! Finito! This was WAY longer than I had originally planned for it to be, but I'm still pleased. There was no way in Hell I was gonna let Nerr off as easily here as I did in Rising Dark. Brain damage and PTSD and hallucinations are not enough. So yeah, she had an eye enucleation and a forequarter amputation (fancy talk for removing the eyeball and removing the entirety of the arm, including the scapula [shoulder blade]), on top of all the stuff that was wrong in TRD. Now, here's my quandary. I kinda want to write a version of this for Revelation, one that would tie in everything and go more into some Vallite lore (There's SOO much cool shit I could do with Valla and Anankos- the possibilities are endless!), but I feel like that might be overkill. I'm certain people would rather me move on to other stores about other things (other FE games, at least), but there's the rub; the other FE games don't actually inspire any thoughts in me. I consume them, and nod and say "Okay, that was a story. Guess it's done now. What's the next one?". I think it's because the characters in those stories are very clearly their own characters. Whereas the avatars- Mark, Kris, Robin, and Corrin- are meant to be player characters. Now, if you don't want them to be self insert characters, you can keep their default name and play them like the canon character they are. But for me, as soon as I give a character a name, they become my character, who has their own mentality and morality. Nerr is not Corrin; if she were, she would be named "Corrin" and she would be a Nohr hating, Hoshido loving fool.

I love the narrative of Fire Emblem games; it's the characters that ruin that narrative for me, but I feel that if I were to apply this style of writing to other games that don't have player characters, it would ruin those games. If I made Marth as nihilistic and cold as Nerr, he wouldn't be Marth any more. However, if I made my Kris stand-in nihilistic and cold, Marth could play off that. My biggest point in these stories is that war changes people- it should. People should not be unaffected by the act of willfully murdering other people en masse regardless of their reasons and justification, but in Fire Emblem, more often than not, they are, and I wanted a story about a character that wasn't. Maybe when FE Switch comes out, it will be an interesting story that I'll feel could be better with some tweaking without having to just completely change all the main characters, but until then, I feel like I should stick with what I enjoy. But I don't know. What do you, the readers, think? If you're sick of Nerr, then I guess I can just post any Revelation stories I do to my tumblr page.