A/N: I wish you all a very Merry Christmas today if you're into that kind of thing. And as always, thanks for the reviews and putting up with me and this story for so long. It's hard to stay with something that takes so long, so, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. :) Have a good read, and let me know what you think.

Chapter XXV

JJ woke up from the light that had found its way inside through a gap between the curtains. She automatically reached for the empty space next to her. She had gotten used to Emily being by her side, so much that she missed her when she was away on a case.

She turned around, burying her face in Emily's pillow, enjoying the smell of her girlfriend that lingered over it. She let the fresh memories of their date wash over her, allowing herself to get lost in the happiness she had felt that night. She still could not believe that she had been lucky enough to be with the woman.

If someone had told her two months earlier that she would be the person she was that day, she would have told them they were crazy. She had been through a lot – good and bad. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of extreme ups and downs, and she was almost surprised that she was still standing.

But she was also proud of herself.

Proud that she was still moving on, not running away from her problems, but actually dealing with it. It had not always been that way. It had been the other way entirely. JJ had never really been conscious of that fact, but now when she was actually in therapy and practically forced – mostly by herself – to think about it, she understood that was what she had been doing.

She rolled out of bed, swinging her feet over the edge of the bed, sitting up. Part of her night had been filled with nightmares, like every other night – sometimes worse than the other. She would wake up with a start, cold sweat covering her forehead and neck.

She had to admit that they became less and less frequent, but when Emily was away on a case, she found herself more likely to dream about a dying Will, to dream about her almost dying, and sometimes even Emily dying.

Hours prior, she had woken up from a nightmare like that, hyperventilating and seeking for Emily's comfort, but she had managed to calm down by herself. She had gotten out of bed, washing off the sweat with water at the sink in the bathroom. After that she had stripped off the pajamas she was wearing, the clothing suddenly feeling too tight around her skin, almost smothering her.

She had fetched one of Emily's oversized pajama shirts, burying her face in the fabric, inhaling Emily's scent as she forced herself to breathe at a regular pace again. Eventually, she had, and she had managed to fall asleep, enveloped in Emily's piece of clothing.

She was still wearing it, finding herself feeling safer when she had a piece of clothes that belonged to Emily. Sometimes it scared her how attached she had grown to the woman, but she did not allow herself to mull it over too much. She was afraid that she would mess things up, and she doubted she would do great with another blow to her mental health. She knew she could live without Emily, but she absolutely did not want to.

After breakfast, and checking up on her phone twice – Emily had texted her not to forget about her vitamins – she went outside, making her way to the psychologist. She was way too early, so she decided she could walk to mental doctor's office, instead of taking the car. She figured the fresh air would do good for her, and a little bit of exercise this way could do no harm.

Thirty minutes later she walked into the psychologist's office, her hair slightly ruffled due to the wind. She quickly combed them with her fingers, trying to make it look less like she had just been skydiving. She took seat in the same place as the week prior, crossing her legs and arms automatically when she did.

"How have you been doing?" Dr. Huffstodt asked JJ the moment she had sat down on the comfortable couch.

"Good, considering.." JJ replied softly. She was used to saying that she was good, even though she was not particularly feeling as such. "Emily and I went on our first date. It made me forget about everything that's been going on over the last month. That's a good thing, I guess."

"Judging from the face you're making, I assume it was a good date." The psychologist remarked, and JJ realized her face had melted into a smile. She could not help it. Somehow, the brunette had that effect on her and she was grateful for whatever force got Emily to love her.

"Yes, it was." JJ answered the unasked question. "She knows me. She knows what I need. It's so.." JJ got lost in words as she tried to find the right ones, but apparently the psychologist knew what it was, finishing the sentence.

"Surreal?" She offered, slightly tilting her head, so she could observe her client somewhat better.

"Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself." She added, as she nodded to indicate that it was indeed surreal. "And that sounds unbelievably corny, and so much as something I would never say.. But it's the truth. She knows when to make me smile. She knows how I think." She paused for a moment to sort out her words, but resumed once she understood the irony. "It's strange, because.. About seven weeks ago I thought I didn't know myself anymore. Lost completely track of everything that was real about me."

"Sometimes a change of perspective makes us think that we're a different person, while only the angle we were looking from at ourselves has changed." Dr. Huffstodt explained. "In your case, you discovered your feelings for another woman, while you've always assumed you were straight. You've kept a thing from yourself so great, that in your mind, everything else seems like a lie too. You've lost that trust in yourself. Now you have to earn it back."

"That makes sense." JJ agreed. "But how do you earn back that trust?"

"Why do you think you've failed to realize what your sexuality is?" The brunette inquired. "Was it because you were raised thinking it was a sin? Were there a lot of judgmental people surrounding you?"

"Well, both are applicable to my situation." JJ admitted. "But that wouldn't explain why I didn't see it when I became older. My parents didn't approve of me joining the FBI either, and I did anyway. It wouldn't be a reason big enough for me to hide something like that."

"Do you have commitment issues?" Dr. Huffstodt asked, jotting down words JJ could not read. She felt unsettled by the interrogation, but she also knew that it was necessary for her to sort things out. Even though the questions seemed random to her at times, she kept answering them.

"Yes." The blonde sighed. She had always had trouble committing to people. She did not have any problems making contact, or talking to people in general, but it was hard for her to let people in; get close to her. It was hard for her to let them getting to know her well. People came and went, and that had never been any different. However, once she had settled down at the BAU, she had committed. To the job.. To the people. They had become their family. It had been the first real commitment she had made after her sister died.

And eventually she had even started dating Will, and convinced herself that she had finally connected on a romantic level. But it had never been that way. And it had been much easier for her to keep him at a distance, because he lived in New Orleans and was literally living that distance away from her.

"Did you lose someone?" Dr. Huffstodt questioned, this time the tone of her voice indicated that she already knew the answer. But she needed confirmation.

"My sister." JJ said softly, her voice containing that annoying choke that made her sound so weak. She had to stop thinking of herself like that, she was aware of that, but she could not help but feeling the way she did. "I was eleven when she slipped out of her room at night.. Stealing our father's razor-blades. She was only seventeen."

"I'm sorry for your loss." The other woman said, her eyes having the genuine look they had the week before that. "Were you two close?"

"She was practically my best friend. We bickered a lot, but she was always there for me." Her voice had been reduced to a whisper, full of emotion and unshed tears. Talking about Rosaline always hurt. "I think, looking back at it, that she didn't want me to feel like I was alone. I think she was. I think she knew what it felt like to be the only one standing in the dark, and no one being there to hand her a flashlight. She came to me.. before she did it. She gave me her necklace, and told me that whatever would happen, she'd always love me."

"Do you often think about her?" The therapist asked softly, her eyes fixated on JJ, carefully keeping track of the nail-fiddling and the nervous lip-twitching. She was aware that she had reached a sensitive subject in JJ's life.

"Sometimes." JJ responded shortly.

"Does it hurt?" Dr. Huffstodt dropped the question, to which she already knew the answer. The choke that resounded in her voice, and the whole posture of the broken woman told her enough.

"Yes." JJ sobbed, a few tears escaping her eyes, rolling down her cheeks. "Every time I think of her."

"You didn't grieve." It was just a statement, no question. But JJ knew it was true. She had never mourned her sister's death the way she should have. Once she had started working with profilers, knowing one or two things about it herself, she knew she had skipped that part. She had always denied the influence it had had on her; on her family.

"My parents didn't talk about it. I think they blamed themselves, were ashamed of what their daughter had done. They didn't notice their daughter dying right in front of them, slowly getting sucked in the darkness, until she drowned." JJ muttered with a strained voice. Tears and words were flowing, now that she had started talking. "When it was too late."

"And you?" Dr. Huffstodt inquired. "Did you blame yourself?"

"I - .." JJ started, but she realized she did not really know the answer. Had she blamed herself all those years ago? "Maybe. I don't know. I guess I didn't really allow myself to feel anything that was about my sister. I pushed away every feeling that was inconvenient, until I felt either nothing, or at least nothing special."

"And that included your sexuality?" The psychologist asked when JJ fell silent. The question was unexpected, something JJ had never considered before.

"I have this vague memory of myself.. Realizing that I.. wasn't normal." She hated using the word 'normal', because she had never considered non-straight people as something else than normal. But for the lack of a better word, she used this one. "It wasn't long before my sister died. I had always been more interested in actresses than actors, female singers over male singers.. Pretty much women over men. But I'd never really given it much thought. And then my sister died.." JJ swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. The tears had stopped, but the tight feeling in her chest was still there. "And well, I think it's safe to say that being gay in a small-town counts as inconvenient."

"I think that from the moment my sister died, I closed off from the outside world. I had friends, quite a lot actually. I had a close group of friends.. But I never told them anything real. We jabbered about soccer and boyfriends and crushes.. But exactly like that.. Boyfriends." The blonde paused, taking a break to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. "I've had my fair share of boyfriends.. Never able to really commit to them, so they came and went."

"And I was okay with that.. Until I wasn't." She sighed tiredly, burying her face in her hands. She felt older than she had felt in ages, as if life had worn her out. And it had. She had had to process so much over a time span of two months, she sometimes wished she could just stuff it away, not think about it, until it blew all up in her face again. "Until I realized that what I felt for Will was a lie.. And that my heart really belonged to Emily."

The brunette nodded, jotting down words JJ could not see. "Great loss makes us do things we cannot always fathom." The woman explained. "In your case, you shut yourself down emotionally, repressing every feeling you didn't know how to handle. But you used that experience to help other people. Perhaps you even chose the job to project the pain you are supposed to feel for yourself on other people: victims and next of kin. It's easier for you to feel for them instead of feeling for yourself. You review cases, select the ones that are in need of help from the BAU. That's because you know when someone needs your help more than the others do."

Moments passed by as JJ let the words sink in. She did find it easier to be compassionate when it did not have anything to do with herself. She did not like it when people pitied her, did not like the looks people gave her when they heard about her sister's death, and wanted to avoid people looking at her like that. Emily had never given her those looks despite everything they had gone through. It was one of the things JJ loved about the woman. She somehow knew that she hated it. Or maybe that was how she would have liked to be dealt with herself. Not like a broken toy that needed to be fixed. She could fix herself.

"Do you know what makes Emily different? Why you let her in?" The psychologist interrupted the FBI agent's train of thoughts.

"I think it's because.. I didn't let her in at once." JJ half-answered, knitting her eyebrows. She was wondering what was different about Emily. "She's different from other people. I know her for two years, and what I've learned about Emily is that she doesn't take shit from anyone. She's fearless. She's strong and brave. She doesn't judge a book by its cover. She reads it. Maybe it's because she profiles people for a living, but.. I always feel like she knows me. Understands me. We don't necessarily need words to exchange our thoughts, we just.. Know."

"We met two years ago, when she joined our team. And over the last two years, we've been through a lot. She's been there by my side. When my best friend got shot, she was there to hold my hand. We've shared rooms during cases, spend a great amount of time together through the job already. It creates a bond." JJ replied fully this time. She was not quite certain if it was the answer the psychologist was aiming for, but it was a start.

"That basically applies to your whole team." The woman pointed out. "But you're already aware of that."

"Yes, I am." The communications liaison admitted. "I just.." She wanted to say that she did not know what was different about Emily, that she could not quite fathom herself either what had brought them together. And that was true. But she knew what she particularly loved about her relationship with the woman. "What we have is special. It isn't ordinary. We just found our ways to each other, without any of us intending to do so. It just happened. Almost as if we were meant to be."

"About a year ago, we were out having drinks with the team. We had wrapped up a case in DC we had been working on for about a week. I had a few drinks, and after, Emily offered to drive me home. And well, we were talking and talking.. and somehow Emily accidentally drove to her own condo, being on auto-pilot and all." JJ could not resist a small smile that pulled at her lips at the memory. It had been the first one that came to mind. It was not a big pivotal moment, but to JJ it had been one of her nicest memories with Emily from before the Toledo case.

"She was embarrassed at first, but when I burst out in laughter, she did as well. She invited me inside, because I couldn't find it in my heart to let her drive me to the other side of town again. We talked for hours, about personal things, funny stories.. Our romantic lives. Or in Emily's case, the lack of one. Our youth. Pretty much everything. We talked until it was early in the morning, and we dozed off on the couch. It was one of the best nights I had had in a long while. I think she already made me feel things back then. I just didn't realize how much. I was deaf to the sound of my mind telling me whom I truly loved."

"But I can't help but wonder.. If I had listened.. Had known that I was attracted to her in other ways than us just as being friends.. And not letting her become that close to me.. If it had ever happened. If we'd ever.." JJ faltered, knowing that it did not really matter anymore. They lived in a world where the universe had decided that JJ would slowly walk towards Emily, knocking down her own walls. No one had forced her to. She had done it herself. And she had no regrets.

"We might not understand how the universe is constructed, and if there are reasons as to why the things that happen to us happen. And even moreso, what the world would have looked like if we had chosen differently in those situations." Dr. Huffstodt said calmly. "We do know in what place we are now, and if we are happy with the way we handled the obstacles on our way there. Things might be ugly, or unfair, or traumatic in any other sense, but what we do with them shapes us. It turns us into the people we are today."

"They say 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger', but that's only a half-truth. It makes you either weaker or stronger, and the way you manage to move on determines which of them it will be. And you can ask yourself, what are you willing to do to belong to the latter group of people, stronger than they were before, using the thing that once hurt them so badly in their favor." She leaned forward, piercing eyes boring into blue ones.

"So, Jennifer, you have to ask yourself what you want and if you're willing to fight for that cause, or if you want to put up with less than that. I'm going to tell you the truth, because there's no need to embellish it. It might hurt, and it might be ugly, so make sure that you're aware of what you're signing up for." Once the therapist had found her rhythm, she could not stop telling what these therapy sessions were really about, and if she wanted to be better or not. JJ could not help but feel a little overwhelmed by the short but powerful speech, but she also knew that she had to choose. And she had already made up her mind.

"I want to be better. Stronger." She answered resolutely, trying to put more confidence in her voice than she felt. She was scared. It was counter-instinctive, and everything in her told her that she had to run from everything, and repress every feeling and memory that were related to anything bad that had happened over those two months.

Dr. Huffstodt nodded, circling something on the paper that was attached to her clipboard. "Have you considered my offer to join group therapy sessions?"

JJ's mouth had gone dry and her muscles had tightened. She felt rather panicky, judging by the beating of her heart and the fact that her breathing had sped up. She had considered the offer, and she had concluded that it would do no wrong to just try. If it ended up being a terrible mistake, she could always change her mind. So she said: "I did. And the answer is yes." Even if her voice had sounded a bit shaky, she had muttered the words, and she sighed in relief. She did not even understand why, because the real fight had only just started.

"You're allowed to be frightened." The psychologist said softly, an amount of sympathy in her voice that was great enough to comfort JJ's worried mind. "Every normal human being would be. We're scared of changes. It's easy to advise others, but when it comes to ourselves, we have a harder time following up on them."

"It's ironic, because the work I do involves a lot of psychology. Plus, I communicate for a living. And still.." JJ voiced what had been haunting her for a while. It was as if she were teaching people to master the climbing wall, but when she was facing a mountain herself, she had no idea how to climb it. She knew that, in order to get somewhere with these sessions, she had to let go of the feeling that it was so illogical and did not make sense at all.

"I've had brain surgeons, psychologists, FBI agents, advisers, and several other kinds of professions that involve human psychology on this couch. Sometimes the doctor needs healing." And with that she effectively swept the internal debate JJ was having with herself off the table. "That's it for today. You can make another appointment and sign up for group therapy at my assistant's desk outside."

She got onto her feet, JJ mirroring her actions. She walked with her to the door, shaking her hand before letting her out. "Have a good week, Jennifer." She said as she pressed her hand against JJ's, their eyes meeting shortly.

"Thank you." The blonde responded. "I'll see you next week."

The dark-haired woman was sitting in her car, eyeing the building a blonde woman she was following had entered an ample hour before. When the woman left the building, she ducked down, trying to remain unseen. The last days had been stressful to the dark-haired woman, leaving her clueless as to how she were to resume her mission. But her little stake-out had given her hope again. She had finally concocted a legitimate plan.