Second lesson: There's always more to lose.
Cheers,
Dixie Lou
Part IV
Chapter 12
The sand felt warm against my bare feet as I stepped out of the little house and into the sunlight. I wiggled my toes slightly until they were buried under the soft white grains and took a moment to enjoy the sensation. After a stormy night of constant rain, a beautiful day had broken over the island and the sky was now a clear, deep blue. A crisp breeze was coming in off of the ocean and I breathed deeply, tasting the clean, cool air as it blew past to softly rustle the green palms overhead. Somewhere exotic songbirds started to sing as they awoke with the new day, their small trills echoing through the jungle that spread out beyond the garden wall. I tilted my head to listen more closely but was distracted by a thin, statuesque woman fussing with the long train of my gown. She was talking incessantly, going over our schedule for the day and making sure I wasn't thirsty or bothered by the other visitors. She wanted me to wear sunblocker but I waved her away, "No Sulpicia. We enjoy the look of the light on our natural skin."
"Yes, your Grace, as you say," she bowed low and also tossed away an umbrella she was planning to shade me with. In the early days the task had fallen to Sulpicia to train me for my role within our new society; she had taught me everything about how a queen carries herself, how she speaks and even how she listens. Over the years the strange, discarded Volturi wife had turned from a teacher to a faithful companion and eventually into a trusted confidant. Behind us a few courtiers twittered to one another, "Well this will certainly attract attention," someone whispered low or maybe said in their mind, lately I found it difficult to tell the difference. I ignored them and continued down to the beach toward the group standing at the shore, drawing an entourage of vampires behind me. My skin, unlike the others, shone like a beacon under the tropical sun and it pleased me to see such unrestrained beauty. "Your Majesty," Esme and Carlisle Cullen greeted me by bowing low and then Esme kissed both my hands, "Thank you for coming here to see all we have planned."
"Dr. Cullen, your sun blocking invention works well," I complemented Carlisle, gesturing to the dimmed skin of the crowd behind me, "We see it has become quite popular among our people."
"I aim to please your Majesty," he smiled with pride, "As you know it's given us many freedoms during the daylight hours that were previously denied. You should try some yourself one day - I can create a special batch, if you wish it."
"We have little desire to hide who we are," I responded gently, "Soon enough the humans will have knowledge about our people and we will need to learn how to live side by side despite our physical differences."
"Yes," Carlisle sighed, "But not yet. Unfortunately hiding our natural skin has become increasingly necessary as we gain the resources to build your kingdom."
I nodded and smiled, "Our kingdom, Dr. Cullen. We build this great world for all."
"And it'll be a marvel," Esme grinned, "A place of light and culture, of peace - "
"Yes, yes," High Councilor Aro cut in, "It'll be positively gorgeous. Now if your Majesty has a moment we need to discuss the placement of the royal palace." He pulled out a small device that projected a miniature topographical map of our location. It was a perfect copy of the land, but instead of palm trees and sand the schematic displayed an extraordinary city. Aro zoomed in on the map and pointed to a mountain range on the northwest corner of the island, "The engineers think this location will be ideal due to its structural stability. The bedrock at the westernmost part of the range, where it looks like the top of a peak has been sliced off, is solid - the tectonic plates haven't moved more than a half an inch in over 100,000 years. The rest of these peaks," he gestured to a few mountains on the lower edge of the ridge, "are volcanic and though inactive, could pose a problem in 1,000 years or so. We do want the the heart of Eleuthernato stand the test of time, after all."
"That area is also quite beautiful," Carlisle added, "The view is spectacular. It's what made me fall in love with this island when I first purchased it for Esme."
I examined the map, "We see," I sighed and looked out over the island toward the mountains, "Another high, lonesome place for us to live. Tell us High Councilor, do you ever wonder why our kind always seek such places to call home?"
"Perhaps it's because the air is thinner and it helps us think," he shrugged indifferently, "or maybe it's because all the way up there the humans will leave us alone."
"Indeed," I turned back to the people behind me, "Benjamin, what do you think about this part of the island? Can you bend it to your will and carve our palace from the mountain's bones?" The tall, handsome man that recently came to us from an Egyptian coven stepped forward. He paused thoughtfully and said in heavily accented, albeit perfect English, "If it pleases your Majesty, I'll have to walk the land to know what it will do for me. I should know more by sundown."
"Good," I touched his arm and he sighed in relief with the contact. I watched as his eyes momentarily changed from blood red to a natural shade of hazel, "Report back all you find as soon as possible. It will not do to set our palace somewhere unwilling to receive us. You'll be working with Esme Cullen for the duration of the project. We believe her unrivaled skills and your unique talents will complement each other well. The crown requires this monument to be a wonder to all who see it." I looked into his changed eyes and then into his mind, pleased by the goodness I saw there, "We expect great things from you, Benjamin." He nodded fervently and couldn't hide his disappointment when I withdrew my hand, "I will not fail, Majesty." The murmuring group of vampires behind us 'ooo'd' and 'awed' as Benjamin's eyes again filled with blood. I choose to ignore the gossiping crowd and their self-serving thoughts and turned to Esme, "Esme Cullen, you've brought a friend?"
Esme put her arm around a small, dark haired teenager and nodded, "I have your Majesty. This is Bree Tanner - we found her roaming the streets of Seattle. She was living in an underwater cave in Elliott Bay, if you can believe it. Bree, this is Queen Isabella."
"Interesting," I murmured as I appraised the frightened slip of a girl, "And what were you doing in Seattle, Bree Tanner?"
"I -" the girl hesitated and looked toward Esme who nodded encouragingly, "I was turned there," she squeaked.
"And who is your Sire?" I asked while also probing her thoughts, though the only memory that came into focus was a rainy night filled with pain and cruel, faceless strangers. Bree shrunk away and I realized she didn't know what a Sire was.
"She's been on her own for the last 20 years," Esme answered for her as she gave Bree's shoulders a light squeeze, "We've welcomed her into our home and we're teaching her more about our kind."
"Child," I reached my hand out to her and she skeptically took it in her own, "walk with us for a moment. The day is so lovely, let us enjoy it together."
"Yes, Ma'am," Bree nodded and then her eyes widened as they suddenly returned to a rich shade of brown. Reflexively her hand tightened around my own and I smiled knowingly as we walked toward the water. "It feels so nice," she murmured with a little embarrassment, "I was wondering why your eyes didn't look like anyone else's. They're...normal."
"Yes, it does make us stand out among our people," I admitted, "and consequently blend in with the humans."
"You're trying to build a whole city for us to live in?" she asked in excitement, her initial shyness melting away.
"A country," I corrected her softly, "A sovereign nation to call our own. We are here today to discuss our plans for the capital."
"But what about the mean ones?" she asked with trepidation, her gaze drifting out over the ocean as her mind filtered through the moments of her brutal birth into this second life, "Will they come here too?"
"Like the ones who turned you?" I asked her and she nodded sadly. "We will cure them of their thirst and it is our hope once cured they will be relieved of their savagery," I took her other hand in mine and held them tenderly, "All cruelty first comes from suffering, Bree Tanner. Remove the suffering and you raise hope within the soul. Only then will these unfortunates be able to build our people up and achieve greatness within themselves."
"And if it doesn't make them better?" she asked quietly.
"Every drop of immortal blood is precious," I told her as I turned to look out over the vast Atlantic, "Have faith, child. The future will be a most wondrous thing."
Her grip on my hands softened and I smiled as I felt the first hints of loyalty forming within her heart. But my smile faded as I became distracted by a peculiar feeling, or rather more like an idea scratching at the back of my mind. Something about the way she held my hands and the way the ocean looked today triggered a faint memory, like I had seen this all before but it wasn't here and I wasn't me. In the sunlight the water sparkled like it was filled with diamonds...I looked at my hands, at the shining skin and wondered. A vague image of a boy, with copper skin and a smile like the sun, pushed its way through the dominating thoughts of Eleutherna. Whoever he was I somehow knew he would like how the ocean looked today and I was surprised by how comforting this errant thought felt. I let go of Bree Tanner's hands and knelt down toward the water. "Ma'am?" she asked with concern as she watched me absentmindedly dip my fingers into the lapping waves. Diamonds and water and a familiar smile…
"Like the sun," I murmured to myself as I watched the tide ripple over my glittering fingertips.
"Your Majesty," Sulpicia knelt down beside me, "There is much yet to do."
"Much and more," I sighed as I stood with her. She took Bree under her arm and gently guided her away as Aro and Esme came to my side. "High Councilor," I addressed Aro as I watched the young girl awkwardly mingle with the other vampires in waiting, "Please tell us the plans for how you intend to fit the whole of Eleutherna and it's capital of New Esme onto a single island." I took his arm and we walked down the shore, "Has your Majesty ever heard of the practice of land reclamation?" he smiled, clearly excited by his designs, "It's a fascinating human invention they've been using for millennia and our new Egyptian friend will prove most useful in expediting the work."
"We see," I looked out toward the mountains and pictured a grand palace at their pinnacle, "Please do go on." And we walked down the beach arm in arm, talking quietly about how empires are built as an ever expanding mass of followers trailed in our wake. If I had taken the time to look back I would have seen Carlisle Cullen pause and put his hands in his pockets as he watched the waves lap over the shore. I would have noticed his curiosity as to what made the Queen regard the water with such melancholy. If I was paying any attention at all I would have seen how he was frightened of my memories and how he believed they could harm the very foundation of the future we were building together.
I woke suddenly from an unexpected sleep and realized with disappointment we were still in the middle of our relentless drive home from Tennessee. Our jeep rattled down the sparse highway, swaying occasionally as large semi-trucks lumbered past. Jasper had his sunglasses on, though I knew he didn't need them, and I was annoyed that I couldn't read his expression or tell what he was thinking. He hadn't said a word since we pointed ourselves toward Forks, Washington six long hours ago and I knew he wouldn't utter a syllable for the next 2,000 miles unless I prompted him. Edward's head sat in my lap and he was also silent. The containers with the pieces of Edward's body filled the back seat and Jacob was lying in the very back, covered with a tarp and a dark blanket. The wheels underneath us continued to turn, unphased by the oppressive stillness within the car above them. Bored and more than a little strung out from physical and mental exhaustion, I flicked on the radio to ease some of the tension.
"And meet me there, bundles of flowers,
We wait through the hours of cold…"
The speakers crooned as they tweaked out quick, quiet notes on a warm feeling acoustic guitar. The player's fingers plucked sound carefully from his instrument and the melody was as soft as his whispering voice. It was a melancholy song that knitted together the pain of love with the poetry of falling short.
"Winter shall howl at the walls,
Tearing down doors of time.
Shelter as we go…"
A new day's sun was rising over the Kentucky/Missouri border and painted the wild green brush and bare, rocky land with the bright hues of late fall. It was a thin light, the kind that can only come before winter settles in. I shielded my eyes as the sun crested over a hill and filled the jeep's cab with pale gold.
"And promise me this:
You'll wait for me only,
Scared of the lonely arms.
Surface, far below these burns…"
"This doesn't change anything," I said to Jasper as I looked out the passenger's side window. We were driving by a series of farms with horses grazing among the hills. Occasionally the animals would run with our car for a short time and I liked watching them as we passed; when they ran they looked free. "Yeah," Jasper replied, "I know it doesn't."
"And maybe," the radio quietly insisted, uncaring if we listened, "just maybe I'll come home…"
"How did this get so messed up?" I asked no one in particular, "I was just - we were just trying to be together and then I was only trying to get you back, Edward. I don't know how we ended up here. Jacob - " My voice hitched in my throat as I looked in the rearview mirror towards the back of the jeep. "At least the Volturi let us say goodbye," I mumbled quietly, "I'm sure Aro considered that to be some sort of charity."
For the first time in hours Jasper took off his sunglasses and looked at me, "Goodbye?" he asked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"In the cave, I got there just before he - well you know," I told him uncomfortably, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Bella," Edward said from my lap, "he was gone before we escaped the cabin. He was leading a failing Volturi resistance before - well, that is…"
"Before he died?" I filled in Edward's hanging sentence, "That's not possible. You told me I could make it in time -" There was silence as both men waited for me to come to the obvious conclusion. I thought about what had been said, trying to recall the words through the terror and rage I was feeling at the time. Even if you leave now, Edward's warning slowly surfaced in my memory, I don't think you'll make it in time. But that meant he knew Jacob was dead - he knew what I'd find in that cave and he had let me go anyway. They all had let me go into that Hell alone and unprepared. "B-but," I stammered, my voice hoarse, "But he talked to me," I told them, feeling like my lunch was about to hit the floor, "He - he said that he never meant to hurt me." Jasper looked at me with pity and concern but said nothing. I sat open mouthed and speechless because I had no idea if I could convince them how real that moment had been. I held my best friend and my enemy until he died in my arms. It was a fact; immutable, cold and true. How could Jacob die without me there to see it? It didn't make any sense.
"Jasper, pull over," I demanded as my trembling hand grabbed for the door handle.
"Bella –" Edward cautioned but I ignored him.
"Pull over right now!" I yelled at Jasper, "Now!" I unlocked the door and almost flung it open as the car was moving, but just as the latch clicked Jasper skidded the jeep to a halt on the side of the road behind a grove of trees. The few cars that were on the road honked as they swerved and one guy flipped us off before speeding away. Against everyone's protests I stormed out of the car and down a hill into the trees; I needed air. Supporting my engorged abdomen with my hands, I heaved through the underbrush without a thought as to where I was going. I was halfway to a river behind the highway before Jasper caught up with me. As I looked at him I found there were no words to explain any of it. What I was feeling. What I know I saw. How wrong all of it was. There just wasn't any way to verbalize how broken splinters of wood had mysteriously replaced my beating heart.
"He died without me," I finally managed to say. Jasper said nothing in return, though he was able to successfully get a supportive arm around my shoulders. In my mind two realities were at war: a reality where I held Jacob and both of us said goodbye and another one where I found him dead and alone. Both of these versions were real to me and at the same time they both seemed like a bad dream. I had been here before, when Edward left, I already had reality slip away on me once. I felt sick as my whole body began to shake from fear - it was starting all over again; I was losing my mind. Panic slid its red fingers around my throat and my thoughts started to strangle me as I vainly tried to push them back. But just as my airway was squeezing shut I felt Jasper's calming waves envelop my mind like a strong sedative. This time I didn't fight against the numbing sensation, I gratefully leaned into the nothingness he was offering. "After everything we'd been through together, he still died alone. What does it mean?" I asked, my words now rendered flat and unemotional.
"I don't know," Jasper answered, his eyes trained on the river, "I don't know if it means anything at all."
"It doesn't feel over," I told him, "It feels like I'm left with a debt…like a spiritual debt, and I haven't even come close to paying it yet. The thought that it's not over, that it'll never be over, that I'll never make things right again, terrifies me more than anything the Volturi can do."
"It's something you're going to have to learn to live with," he responded as he withdrew his support and crossed his arms over his chest, "Because you know what the alternative is."
"I just wish everything would go back to normal," I sighed, "If you could see my insides," I gestured to where my heart was, "my, whatever you want to call it – my spirit - I think it's ruined. How do you do it?" I asked him, my voice breaking a little over the question.
"Do what?" Jasper cautiously asked.
"Live with yourself after all the bad things you've done?" I whimpered and wiped away some tears with the heel of my hand, "Tell me how I can do it too."
"Isabella…" Jasper frowned and turned away toward the river; I felt like I hadn't offended him necessarily, but rather this time I had asked one question too many. Instead of answering he halfheartedly plucked a long blade of prairie grass and his strong, articulate fingers began to worry at the seeds blooming on the top of the stem. He'd absentmindedly pick a seed out of its pod, press it between his thumb and forefinger and watch as the resulting dust trickled to the ground. "You tell yourself you did what was necessary," he carefully said, looking at the blade of grass so he didn't have to look at me, "Then, eventually, after enough times of telling yourself that, you begin to believe it." The silence that followed was thick as I struggled to keep my composure and Jasper patiently waded through my unstable waves of emotion. By and by he put a firm hand on my shoulder and made me face him, "Look, all I know is when something like this happens there's no point in wishing it didn't. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about the 'what if's'. All you can do is meet this with as much dignity as you can manage and then you have to move on."
I shook my head and shivered slightly from the stress of the day, "I can't go back yet."
"Then let's take a walk," Jasper offered and we both turned toward the river to walk down to its rocky bank. Neither of us were ready to go back to the car or to Forks, there were horrors waiting for us in both places. It was easier to delay, to take what little time was left before our lives were upheaved yet again. I settled on a long flat rock next to the water with my knees tucked into my chest and my head down over my arms. Jasper stood a little behind me on the bank, his eyes trained on the bright fall leaves that were flowing downriver. I could feel the baby moving around inside, but thankfully her small contractions were gentle and unobtrusive. I thought she could be sleeping and briefly wondered what her dreams were like; I wondered if she was dreaming about me. Cold water slowly flowed around the river rocks and filled the silence with peaceful white noise. "Everything seems so far away," I mumbled, "The way things feel. The way they taste. Like I'm watching myself but I'm not really experiencing it. Not really living it," I looked back at him, "Does that seem crazy to you?"
Jasper skipped a stone across the water, "After what you've been through, I don't think it's crazy," he admitted.
"And there's Jacob - it's all my fault," just saying the words made my head swoon. I felt reality slipping a little farther away as my mind pushed against the memory of holding him in my arms.
"You can't go down that road," Jasper warned, "It's over. Focus on accepting that."
"It's not over," I argued, though the effort was weak.
"Stop it," Jasper snapped, "You have to stop thinking like this or it'll become an obsession. Jacob's ambition - his appetite - destroyed him. He didn't listen. Not to you or anyone else. That's why we had the treaty, why his grandfather went to so much trouble...Ephraim knew. He knew it and 70 years later everyone just stopped listening…"
"Jasper," I looked at him suspiciously, "what are you trying to say?"
"Look, you need to understand...what you need to know, it's not something we just tell a lot of other people…" Jasper huffed and threw another stone across the river as he thought about how to put into words what he wanted to tell me. "Our family- the Cullens - this happens to them sometimes - it's happened before," he said, his words tripping over each other; it felt like he was trying to tell me a great secret, but a secret he didn't fully understand. "People find out the truth about our family, they get it in their heads we need to go, that they need to remove us from the world, and they just...break against us. Like waves crashing against a mountain. They throw themselves at us over and over again and even if we don't want them to break the consequences are always, always the same. Especially if they're getting in the way of what we want. I've seen it, Bella, I've seen it all happen before and it was just as horrible. But you…above all you're a survivor. That's why you haven't broken yet; why I think you won't ever break. This time - for the first time - the water has gotten inside and it's broken us apart." I looked at the running water beneath me and thought about becoming the type of person that others break themselves against. As the grim idea sunk in I had to choke back a powerful sob; I didn't want that kind of life for myself or my child. Jasper kneeled at my side, "Hey," he held me close and shook my shoulders in comradery, "Hey now. Come on. You're better than this. Chin up, Human," he smiled kindly though my tears refused to subside, "It's not as bad as all that. It feels like Hell, I know," Jasper held my crumpled form to his chest and put his chin on my head as I wept into his shirt. "No one can possibly know what you've been through," he murmured, "What people don't understand is sometimes survival can be it's own death sentence."
At that I looked at Jasper, slightly amazed by his kind words. All the while I suspected he wasn't a particularly cruel man, he just did cruel things because he thought them necessary. I wiped my cheeks and nose with the sleeve of my battered sweatshirt and pushed myself into a sitting position, "You know, I never thanked you for what you did. I know you have principles and you don't have a lot of patience when people don't live up to them. I understand that and I respect it. But thank you for having faith in me."
"I fulfilled my duty to my family," Jasper stated.
"Yeah," I pressed, "but what you did for me –"
"I did it for all of my family, Bella," he told me, "Things are different now, for all of us. Truthfully I don't even know what's going to happen next. But what I do know is we don't have to go through this alone. We have a long road to travel yet, there's a lot we still have to figure out. Aro's a very clever monster. Manipulative. Cunning. And the problem with Alice, Carlisle and Esme isn't that they lie - have lied. That would be too easy. It's that they mix lies with truth. They're going to do whatever it takes to get us on their side. They're going to try to get into our heads."
"Yeah," I shrugged, "well they might not like what they find in there."
"Just be careful," Jasper said softly, his voice distant, "They have an agenda and it'll have repercussions we won't fully understand until a long time from now. Bella, a tidal wave is coming our way. We're all going to have to work very hard to stay afloat..." There was pain in his warning and I put a reassuring hand on his arm, "I'm sorry Jasper, I'm so wrapped up in my own drama I forgot you've lost someone too."
"Oh, she's not lost," he shook his head sadly as he referred to Alice and I wished I could take away his pain like he had done for me, "They all know exactly where they're going. All I need to do is decide if I want to tag along." He sighed heavily and helped me stand up, "Come on, let's get you back to the car. Edward's waiting."
I looked back toward the road and nodded, silently agreeing to following him out of the trees. When we got back to the car I saw the door was open and Edward was looking down at us from the passenger seat, his expression unreadable. We shared a look as Jasper escorted me back to the jeep and I suddenly felt very cold and very alone. When I first fell in love with Edward I was convinced there was no other life beneath the sky but ours. I was convinced I would never die. A familiar pain lanced through my body and shivering, I smoothed my hands over my growing belly to ease some of the discomfort. Jasper swept his jacket around my shoulders as he ushered me back into the vehicle and I couldn't help but make a claustrophobic sound as the car door was shut after me. Edward made sympathetic noises about my wellbeing and the baby's as I once again held him in my arms. Jasper took his place behind the wheel and as I looked at their faces the future materialized before me. It became clear whatever choices I had made, whatever consequences were now unfolding, it was time to stop running and face what could very well be the final weeks of my mortal life.
"Words! I'm so sick of your words. I get words all day, first from him now from you. Is that all you Cullens can do?" I woke with a start to the sound of my father shouting outside. In a haze I stumbled down the stairs to the front door and peered out of a window to see what was going on. We had just returned from delivering Jacob to his home and exhausted, I had opted for some sleep before I faced re-entering my old life. I had no idea what time it was and it felt like I had been sleeping for days.
"This ends now!" Charlie shouted.
Emmett and Rosalie were outside and attempting to calm my father down. Emmett's hands were raised in a pacifying gesture, "Let's just sit down and – "
Charlie shoved Emmett's shoulder, though the large vampire didn't budge an inch, "Look, I have a gun out there in my truck. And up till now I've been forgiving and forgetting because you've been more than hospitable these past couple of weeks, but I'll tell you what, if you don't produce my daughter now, right now goddammit, I'm going to get that gun of mine and I'm going to - to -"
"Charlie, let me explain," Emmett started but my father cut him off.
"I want my daughter Emmett!" he shouted, "It's been two goddamn weeks! Where's Bella?"
"Chief Swan, she's here," Rosalie cut in over what Emmett was about to say, "She's safe. But there's some things that need to be explained - "
"No!" Charlie yelled, "Either you all produce Bella now or this escalates - quickly. You can't just take a teenager and - and - "
"You have to listen," Rosalie pleaded, "Please - there's things you don't know, that nobody knows. Telling you could be dangerous."
Charlie stepped away a little as he read into the subtext of what Rosalie was saying. He shook his head, "You think my life is some precious thing to me?" he asked the pair standing in his way, "That I would trade my daughter for a few more years of….of what?" He opened his hands, showing their emptiness, "Bella is all I have. If I can protect her from whatever cult - or - or gang - or whatever it is you've gotten her mixed up in and that costs me my life, then that's okay."
I took a deep breath and put my hand on the door handle; it was time for Edward's family to stop fighting my battles for me. But a firm hand covered my own before I could turn the knob, "Bella, don't go out there," Alice warned.
"He's my father," I argued, "I have to go."
"You don't," she shook her head and let go of my hand, "I see other paths, but I won't stop you from choosing this one." I looked at her and decided it was too soon to trust what she was trying to tell me. Her betrayal was still too close to the skin and I didn't want to know any more about my future, "Charlie!" I burst out the door and ran to him, "Dad, I'm here. I'm fine."
"Fine?" Charlie grabbed my shoulders and looked me over, his tough demeanor shaken, "Bella, you look terrible."
"Yeah," I muttered, a little embarrassed, "it's nice to see you too Dad…"
My father pulled me in for a desperate, angry hug, "Where have you been?" he asked, his voice betraying a mixture of relief and frustration, "Why didn't you call? Were they holding you hostage? Isabella I was so goddamn worried about you - "
I swallowed hard and wriggled out of Charlie's arms so I could look at him, "No Dad, I was staying with them. Um, look I - I have to tell you something. Something really important."
Charlie stopped his worried rambling, "What is it Bella?" he sternly asked, "What's happened?"
"I - " I looked at him and anxiety erupted in my stomach. This was not how I'd envisioned telling my father the big news, "Well you see - I'm pregnant. With a baby. I'm going to have a baby."
"What?" he paused and then looked at my protruding stomach and then at me, searching my face for any hint of a joke, "Seriously? Bella you've only been gone for two weeks, but you look -" he backed away from me and then took my arm and turned me to the side to better view my profile, "like this has been going on for months." He grabbed my face between his hands, "Honey, how is that even possible? How long have you been hiding this from me?"
"Aren't you supposed to say something like congratulations?" I huffed.
Charlie dropped his hands, "Is Edward the father?" he yelled at Emmett, "What does he have to say about all this? Huh?"
"Dad," I grabbed him before he could charge into the Cullen's home to find Edward, "I want this baby. Listen to me. I want this to happen."
"You want this?" Charlie gestured to my haggard appearance, "Isabella you look like you're dying! Where's Edward? Where's that antisocial son-of-a-bitch? He should be out here on his knees begging for my forgiveness! Where is he?!"
"No, Dad you can't -" I started to say as I again stopped him from going into the house. He couldn't see Edward yet, no human could, until we finished the repairs to his body. But then I felt a calm, cool hand rest on my shoulder, "Bella," Emmett said as he easily stopped both Charlie and I from struggling against each other, "It's time we show him."
"No," I shook my head, "It's too dangerous."
"Show me what?" Charlie thundered, "What the hell is going on here?!"
"That is a very long story," a voice behind us made everyone turn around to see Jasper standing on the front porch holding Edward's decapitated head. "Chief Swan," Edward called to Charlie, "you'd better come inside and have a seat - this could take a while."
Charlie shuffled back a step with his mouth hanging open in horror, "Edward Cullen? What's all this?" he mumbled and then he grabbed my arm to pull me behind him. He turned around and tried to haul me back to his truck but I dug my heels into the ground and wrenched back, "No Dad!" I shouted as we pulled one another back and forth, "Bella this is insane!" he shouted, "It's impossib - " but his thought was cut off as his feet tangled in my own and then slipped out from underneath him. In one fluid motion he fell, taking us both with him, and Charlie hit his head on the truck's door, knocking himself unconscious.
Emmett lumbered over to help me off the ground, "Well," he sighed, "that went well."
"It's just past nine o'clock and this is the BBC: World News Service. The world breathed a sigh of relief today as the island nation of Eleutherna and the Federative Republic of Brazil signed a formal treaty, ending a state of war after 30 years. An accord on Eleutherna nuclear fusion reactors have opened the way to the first peace in the South American dispute. Representatives from both Eleutherna and Brazil ended their negotiations at the White House today and managed to establish, quote, "normal and friendly relations." On this chilly spring morning on the White House lawn about 1,500 invited guests and millions more watching the live broadcast witnessed High Councilor Aro Volterra of Eleutherna and President Gabriel Pereyra of Brazil put their signatures on the Esperanto, Portuguese and English versions of the first peace treaty between an Immortal and Human country.
President Garcia who was credited by both leaders for having made the agreement possible, signed, as a witness, for the United States. In a somber speech she said, quote, "Peace has come."
We have a clip from an interview with Aro Volterra, High Councilor of the immortal nation of Eleutherna and Queen Isabella Swan, who has been Eleutherna's mysterious foreign minister for more than 25 years, conducted by the BBC's own news correspondent Ros Lemaire. Both rulers have risen what was a small island into the ethereal country of immortal people who were embroiled in a longstanding, so called "Holy War", with its conservative South American neighbors. To date it is one of three rare interviews conducted by a representative of the human race and covered everything from the war with Brazil to Her Majesty's own family.
BBC's Ros Lemaire: Your Majesty, you have not given an interview to the human media since this crisis began. What is it you want us to know?
Queen Isabella Swan of Eleutherna: We would like to tell the truth to humanity's media. What's happening now is taking the world toward chaos and it's imperative we deal only with reality. The message now is about reality.
Lemaire: From your vantage point, how is this war going?
Swan: As with every war, it is most certainly going worse than a peaceful solution. This conflict, driven by misinformed fanaticism, will only lead to more strife. The demonizing of our people is harmful to both humans and immortals and it must stop. We have already seen it lead to bloodshed and to increased hatred and increased anxieties in the South American region.
Lemaire: And unfortunately we have only seen an increase in misery in Brazil due to this conflict. Why do you persist?
High Councilor Aro Volterra: From what we've seen of our friends and allies throughout the developed world, we're convinced there's nothing humans admire so much as strength, and there's nothing for which they have less respect than for weakness, especially military weakness. By this point in the war we believe we have effectively demonstrated the world cannot afford to give in to the temptation to engage in a trial of strength with our nation.
Lemaire: If that is the case then why has this conflict lasted for over a decade? If your forces are so formidable why not end this war now?
Swan: The action of our tactical squads has been viewed as slow, but this is in fact deliberate and necessary. The pressure which they exercise upon an adversary is perpetual. It may be compared to the inexorable grip of winter, which nothing can for long resist.
Lemaire: It's been said it is only thanks to the Eleuthernean special forces that an unobstructed path has been carved through the South Americas. But even they have struggled at sea.
Volterra: As long as the Brazilians remain under cover of Argentine naval defenses, they hold certain facile advantages over us when it comes to small encounters. They cloister their submarines along the coast and though we have the ability to send our forces in without using such vessels, it is not advisable. Submarines are by and large nuclear. A single one of their submarines can naturally do some small amount of damage to our people, but if during the altercation the reactor were to rupture or meltdown it would be easy enough to lose an entire squad of soldiers that cost us millions to house, train and send into battle, without speaking of their lives which would also be lost.
Lemaire: Yes, there have been talks of a nuclear end to this war ever since it was discovered Eleutherneans are not immune to the radioactive effects. A worrisome conclusion for the rest of world.
Swan: It is no secret our forces are sensitive to nuclear material, like any other organic matter on the planet. The saving grace for Brazilians and Eleutherneans alike is that we are close neighbors geographically and we all find nuclear warfare to be equally poisonous and devastating.
Lemaire: Strategy aside, there were news reports last week that you had proposed a new peace plan, to Washington and Brazil? Is that true?
Volterra: We have ideas that we want to propose to both sides, and perhaps this is a good time to stop and allow for diplomacy to work. Even now Immortal survivors from all parts of the world continue to migrate to Eleutherna, undaunted by difficulties, restrictions and dangers imposed by our coming out to the world. It must be known that we will never cease to assert our people's right to a life of dignity, freedom and honest toil in their national homeland.
Lemaire: And you've had no encouragement from the United States?
Swan: We have had neither from Brazil nor from the United States. And, if you don't mind us saying so, on a personal level, as someone who has been in the United States, lived during our upbringing and education for at least 48 years, we can't help but be moved to some frustration by the people who have advised, and been backing and following through the effort toward conflict in South America. President Garcia has shown she is always, always patient, but we have seen that people in the United States - advisors - claiming that war will only bring benefit.
Volterra: These advisors have gone so far as to try to convince the American public that their friends are enemies. This is a time for reckoning. This is a time to show who the real friend, and who the real enemy, is. I think the United States has to do some reckoning internally, for the advice it's had.
Lemaire: Would you like to name names?
Swan: No.
Lemaire: Well, let me name names. Are you speaking of Secretary of Defense Angela Hammonds, or our Vice-President, Richard Bromberg?
Volterra: No, we're not going to enter into name calling.
Lemaire: Okay, then let's switch gears. Your Majesty, you've led your country for almost 30 years now.
Swan: Yes.
Lemaire: There are very few one-family dynasties left. Humanity is striving towards democracy - will Eleutherna follow the same path?
Swan: We have never supported being a dynasty.
Lemaire: Yet you have a daughter - something many people thought impossible for immortals - are you not raising her to succeed you?
Swan: No, and for the record we have no need to engage in the unsophisticated human tradition of succession. Our people are immortal, yes?
Lemaire: I see your point. However, you are in a unique position to have a successor if you desire one.
Swan: No and we have never spoke with our daughter about politics. Though you may find this unbelievable, we never do. We have never tried to prepare her for anything involving the rule of our kingdom. We always wanted her to stay in school and finish her studies, to live a life unchained.
Lemaire: And her father - assuming there is a father - doesn't expect his daughter to eventually rise to the throne?
Swan: Never, we never spoke about this.
Lemaire: So there is someone else looking out for her best interests? May I ask -
Swan: No - this is not why we have come here. Our people and yours are dying as we speak - it is time to have a real conversation about what is happening. Today, as you know, we have called for a temporary cease-fire.
Lemaire: Your Majesty, do you realistically think that now, with our forces in Brazil, and the destruction of Brasília, that the coalition fighters are just going to stop and change their mind?
Swan: Would there be harm in pausing for a moment of reflection? We need to have a cease-fire that will allow time for diplomacy to work, in spite of the efforts of these advisors that have been misleading the United States government. We must never forget war is being waged against us simply because we believe it is the natural right of the immortal people to be masters of their own fate, like all other nations, in their own sovereign State.
Lemaire: Do you believe that a regime change is necessary? Must the Brazilian President Gabriel Pereyra be removed from power?
Volterra: Well, since Mr. Pereyra has asked his people to sacrifice for the country, we have called on him to be the first to make a sacrifice. And if his staying in power is the only thing that brings problems to his country, we expect that he will respond and sacrifice his power for the good of his people.
Lemaire: How long do you think this war will go on?
Swan: That is the problem with wars. We can predict their beginning, but no one has the power to divine how they will end.
"Somber words from Her Majesty one year ago. Fortunately this South American conflict has now ended in peace. The signing was followed by an intimate outdoor celebration on the White House's South Lawn for some 600 guests, both human and immortal.
The treaty was the result of months of grueling, often frustrating negotiations that finally concluded early this morning when a compromise was reached on the last remaining issue - a timetable for Eleutherna to give Brazil access to a 900-megawatt nuclear fusion reactor that will provide low-cost, renewable energy to the entire region. Until this point the immortal nation had sole control and access to this groundbreaking technology that has potential to change the very foundation of the world as we know it. Under the treaty, Eleutherna will withdraw its military forces from the Cabo de São Tomé Peninsula in stages over three years. Two-thirds of the area will be returned within nine months, after formal ratification documents are exchanged. The ratification process is expected to begin in about two weeks.
In return for Eleutherna's concession, Brazil has agreed to end the state of war and to establish peace. After the initial nine-month withdrawal is completed, Brazil and Eleutherna are expected to nurture alliances in many fields, including diplomatic, cultural and economic relations.
We'll have more after the break. This is the BBC."
"Are you crazy? You can't just show yourself to humans like that with no warning. Who knows what he would have done!" Emmett thundered at Edward and Jasper as he carried Charlie's limp body over the threshold and up to their second story living room. "For Christ's sake! Someone close that goddamn door!" he bellowed at the lot of us. Alice rushed over to close the door to Carlisle's study, shutting off the view of an operating table and Edward's horribly scarred and partially reconstructed body.
"Yeah, Emmett, I'm crazy, okay?!" Edward growled back from Jasper's arms as we all followed Emmett and my father up the staircase.
"Why?" Rosalie butted into the conversation and stopped Jasper in his tracks at the top of the stairs. "How could you be so reckless?" she berated both of them, "There's only so much he can take in at one time. You can't just rip people's worlds apart like that!"
"If we're going to let him in on everything, let's just do it. No more lies and half-truths. I'm sick of it!" Edward fought back exasperatedly as we all watched Emmett set Charlie down on the large leather sofa in the center of the room. I was surprised by how vulnerable my father looked as he rested peacefully on the couch. The gash on his head was already bruising and I started to worry about how severe the damage was. Charlie had been in the Cullen's world for all of fifteen minutes and he was already wounded; the cycle Jasper had warned me about was starting all over again.
"Bella?" Carlisle called as he walked in the front door with Esme behind him. Their eyes were now a blazing gold and it was clear they'd just returned from a successful hunting trip, "Is that your father's truck out front?" he paused on the landing of the stairs when he saw Charlie lying unconscious on the couch, "What are you doing?" he asked us in shock.
"He just showed up," I tried to explain but my suddenly nervous words jumbled together, "and then he hit his head and - we had to bring him inside."
"It's all over," Rosalie told them, "he saw Edward."
"Can we tell him?" I asked hopefully. Before this moment I hadn't realized how good it would be to have someone from my old life on my side again. And I was also sick of lying to Charlie - it had taken a great toll.
"Oh my God, the poor man," Esme said as she stepped forward, "Well? What are you all doing just standing there? Bring water, ice, a pillow. Quickly."
...
"Dad?" I pressed an ice pack to the side of his head. A sizeable lump had formed on his temple and was now a deep shade of yellow and purple. Charlie moaned and tried to lift himself off of the couch, "No Dad, stay lying down," I gently told him while pressing a hand on his chest to make him keep still. "Bells? Where are we?" he asked as his blurry eyesight began to focus on our surroundings. Sunlight streamed in through a large picture window in the Cullen's well-appointed living room and the entire family surrounded Charlie on the couch. He looked very put off by all of the attention and ignoring my insistence that he stay lying down, he forced himself to a sitting position. Then he saw Edward's head sitting on the coffee table in front of him and he jumped back in horror, "Oh my God! He's dead! He's dead, isn't he?"
"It's okay," I held my hands up to show him it was safe, "Everything's fine."
"No, I'm dreaming," Charlie shook his head and winced as the pain from his injury registered, "I must be dreaming. I hit my head and - and - Dr. Cullen... I saw you in the hospital parking lot this morning which is why I knew you were back from camping. That explains why I'm dreaming of you. And I was planning on following you home, that's why I'm imagining I'm sitting in your living room right now. But him," he pointed at Edward but was at a loss for words, "...I have no idea..." he whimpered slightly as only someone does when they encounter a real life monster. Edward looked away and I could tell he was humiliated by my father's reaction to his appearance; it validated all the terrible things he already thought about himself.
"If you'd please just sit down," Carlisle implored, "and calm yourself, Chief Swan. I'll explain everything. This is not a dream," he reassured Charlie, "I'm sorry to say you are very much awake." By this time Esme had materialized with a cup of hot tea. She handed the mug to my father, who took it without seeming to know what he was doing. Then she draped a blanket over his shoulders and put a pillow behind his back much like a nurse would when looking after a patient suffering from shock. If Charlie weren't so genuinely upset, the image of him meekly holding a cup of tea with a floral blanket around his shoulders would have been comical.
"Then Dr. Cullen how do you explain this? How is he still alive?!" Charlie moaned as he again pointed at Edward.
"It is really quite simple," Carlisle smiled patiently, "75 years ago…"
"Why don't I ever dream of being on a beach in Hawaii?" Charlie suddenly blurted, unaware that he was suppose to be listening. Emmett suppressed a laugh and Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs to be quiet. Carlisle, looking a little put out, cleared his throat and continued, "Edward has been my companion for almost a century now and what you know as my family have lived in this area for 75 years. But 300 years before this time, I was a young man in London at the birth of it's modern age…"
...
At the end of Carlisle's story Charlie was sitting very still at the edge of the couch and was looking in awe at the young doctor he thought he had known, "So you're -"
"385 years old, yes. But that's nowhere near others of our kind. In some circles I'm still considered to be relatively young."
"And is there an end to it?" Charlie asked.
"As far as I can tell, no." Carlisle answered frankly, "Unless we are killed by one of our kind or by a few other outside forces that prove strong enough. But as you can see from my story and Edward's condition, there's not much in this world that can truly harm us."
After a moment, where we all waited for Charlie to break his silence, he shook his head and laughed a little to himself. "This is crazy," he grumbled, "but Doc, I believe you. So, if you're English why don't you have an accent?"
Carlisle laughed at that, "Ah, yes. I've learned to Americanize - but we all speak many languages and have many identities. Einer der Vorteile des Lebens so lange, ja?"
"Right," Charlie mumbled perplexed, "And what exactly happened to him?" Charlie nodded his head toward Edward, but didn't look directly at him. Everyone hesitated then, waiting to see what Carlisle would say. Charlie had deep connections with the Quileute and the subject of Edward's decapitation would reveal too much pain and more uncomfortable questions. Because I was worried about what someone else would tell him I rushed to speak first, "An accident," I shrugged, "It was a really bad accident." The Cullens exchanged concerned looks but made no move to correct me. I put my hand on Charlie's arm, hoping to change the subject away from Edward, "Dad, thank you for really listening." Charlie looked at me with a heavy expression that made me worry what he was going to say next. "Can I have a moment with my daughter," he asked the room.
"Take as much time as you like," Esme told him as she started to escort everyone to the downstairs entryway, "We'll be outside if you need us."
"You don't have to leave your own home," Charlie protested.
"We actually do if you want any privacy," Emmett told him.
"Super hearing, huh?" Charlie asked.
"Oh yeah," Emmett nodded.
"And sight?"
"Yup."
"And smell?"
"Uh-huh."
"And strength?"
"You betcha."
"Okay then," Charlie sighed.
"Yeah, okay," Emmett nodded and headed downstairs.
Jasper picked up Edward and I saw Charlie shudder slightly as he watched Edward's head leave the room. "Thank you," I called after the retreating group of vampires and then turned toward my father, bracing myself for our predictably unpleasant conversation. "So - that was a lot to take in," I helpfully started, "do you have any questions?"
"Just one," Charlie responded.
"And?" I prompted as I went to sit on the couch. By Carlisle's estimation I was at the tail end of my second trimester and normal actions like sitting were becoming more difficult. Charlie watched me with concern as I carefully settled next to him, unsure of how to react to his suddenly pregnant daughter.
"How long have you known about what they are?" he asked plainly.
"Since before I brought Edward home to meet you," I quietly told him, ashamed that my answer revealed how long I had been hiding the truth from him.
"I see," Charlie crossed his arms over his chest, "so you knew everything and you still went off with that - that boy like it was no big deal. You chose this."
"That's simplifying things, but yes I did choose Edward and everything that he is." I huffed and getting up from the couch I also crossed my arms over my chest, "I accept them for what they are, Dad."
"Why would you deliberately do this to yourself, Bella?" Charlie asked in exasperation, "I don't know what this is - or exactly what this means. But I know it's dangerous, I know that you're in danger. What, besides deer, do people like them eat? Have you thought about that?"
"Dad – Edward and I have been very careful," I promised him, already knowing where this conversation was headed. Leave them Bella. If you won't leave I'm taking you with me. This is over. But what I knew and Charlie didn't is none of the things he was about to say, none of the ways he wanted to save me, mattered; I was already chained to my fate. "I'm staying here, Dad. I'm sorry but you no longer have a say in what I do. That's all there is to it."
"I didn't raise my daughter to talk to me like this," Charlie angrily pointed at me, "And Jesus Bella, a kid? Who does it live with, huh? Who's kind does it belong to? We can't raise some sort of supernatural child. Are you willing to give it up to them if it turns out to not be human?"
"No," I shook my head.
"You should give this baby up. It needs to be with them," Charlie pressed.
I put my hands on my hips, "Never," I told him.
"After everything you just put me through, are you really arguing with me right now?" he asked incredulously, his eyes wide with anger, "You're too young to be making these decisions for yourself."
"Dad, I look into my heart, the heart you gave me, and I see what I need to do. And that must be right!" I was shouting now, unable to contain my frustration, "You're the one who taught me how much a parent loves their child. And now, in the face of the love you've shown me, you're asking me to give up my own baby. How can I not argue with you?!" My lip started to quiver and I saw Charlie's eyes soften; he was starting to realize he couldn't win this one. I sat back down beside him and gently asked, "When I was growing up you always said one thing to me. What did you say?"
Charlie shook his head, "This is not what we should be talking about," he grumbled.
"No, Dad," I insisted, "what did you say to me?"
He let out a deep sigh and reluctantly answered, "The only thing I ever said is I want you to be happy."
"Ok," I nodded, "The one thing that's going to make me happy is to have this baby, with Edward." Charlie moaned in exasperation and threw up his hands. I grabbed them in my own and brought them back down, "I wish you would be happy for me too," I told him.
"I'll tell you what I wish," he muttered but then stumbled over his own words, "…I…I don't know what I wish."
"Please, Dad," I begged, "I need your support. Please understand I would rather have a few seconds of sharing life with this child than a lifetime of nothing special."
"If you want an extraordinary life then go to college, travel the world, figure out how to do some good for other people," Charlie grabbed my small hands between his own, "Bells, I might lose you forever if you go through with this - we're in uncharted waters here."
"Dad, Carlisle has it under control -"
"Does he?" Charlie scoffed as he held up my stick-thin wrist, "You look like you're at Death's door. Honey, you're human - normal. You have to realize there's limits to what you can physically do. Childbirth can kill even the healthiest women and you don't know what this type of thing is going to do to you. There's no way to tell the damage that's already done isn't reversible."
"Edward has power," I admitted, a little unsure as to how I could explain something to him that I didn't understand myself. But this one piece of information could bring Charlie back onto my side, "After the birth - I can become one of them -"
"Oh Jesus Christ!" Charlie moaned as he abruptly stood up and crossed to the other side of the room, "Jesus Christ are you kidding? Oh my God -"
"And I'll heal and live and be okay," I spoke over him, "Dad - Dad look at me!" I forced him to stop his string of curses and look in my direction, "If I die during the birth, Edward can bring me back to life."
The room became very quiet as Charlie stared back at me and my sentence hung in the air between us. I could tell he was wrestling with everything we had said and several things he didn't dare speak to me about. But mostly he just looked overwhelmed and more than a little disappointed. After a long silence he grimaced, "If I'm going to let you do this," he muttered, his voice flat and defeated, "If I'm gonna put you and, I don't know, my life, on the line. If I'm going to lie to your mother about this -"
"Dad I'm not asking for that," I argued, shaking my head.
"Isabella I will not bring your mother into this. You know that she can't handle it and if I can't save you, I can at least spare her this madness. So if I'm gonna throw myself under this and let you take these kinds of risks - you gotta tell me if it's worth it."
"What do you mean?" I asked, thrown by his sudden demand.
"Are they worth it, Bella?!" he shouted, so loud that it scared me; Charlie had never genuinely yelled at me before, "Tell me that this boy is worth dying for!"
"Yes!" I yelled back as tears started to stream down my cheeks, "Dad, I'm sorry -"
Charlie held up a hand to silence my apology, "It's done," he said, "And if there's any sense in it I can't see it." Then he turned to leave, "I'll be back later tonight," he told me before he headed down the stairs, "And I expect to be let in next time and every time after that without a fight. Even if you're staying here now, I'm still your father, goddamn it." Then he stormed down the stairs and slammed the front door behind him. I rushed out to the balcony overlooking the driveway and was in time to see him confront Edward as he was held by Jasper. This time Charlie was unphased by the dismembered vampire's appearance, "Will you always be like this?" he asked tersely.
"...no," Edward reluctantly answered, "Carlisle can repair me. I'll have my body back soon."
"And can you bring her back to life?" Charlie challenged Edward loud enough for everyone present to hear.
"We all can," Edward answered and I couldn't help but notice how his words subtly absolved him of any direct responsibility.
"And will you?" Charlie asked. When Edward didn't answer right away Charlie pointed an accusing finger at him, "If Bella dies, I swear to God I'll find a way to kill you," he vowed.
"If she dies, I'll let you," Edward promised.
This apparently wasn't the answer my father was looking for and as he stared at Edward a shadow of fury crossed his face. I had seen that look before, it was one Jacob had worn often after Edward had returned to Forks. Then, without another word, Charlie turned on his heel, got into his truck and sped away down the Cullen's lengthy driveway. I felt his presence tug less and less at my heart as his truck quickly disappeared from sight. "Bella," Alice startled me as she suddenly appeared on the balcony, "Why is Charlie going to La Push?"
"He's going to Billy's?! No!" I cried as I went to run down the stairs, "He doesn't know about Jacob - they'll kill him!"
Alice's firm hand grabbed my arm and held me captive, "They'll kill you if we let you go after him," she calmly told me, "Let one of us go instead."
"Let me go!" I shouted as I struggled against the stone shackle around my arm, "If they see any of you on their land again they'll kill him for sure. They won't let anyone but a human near Billy's house. Charlie has to be warned! They'll kill him, they'll kill - oh!" A swift jolt of pain suddenly bent me in half and Alice let go of my arm so she could catch me before I fell. "Ohgod!" I gasped as a second spasm of pain rocked me to the ground and I felt a piece of my ribcage shatter. I tried to suck oxygen through my open mouth but my left lung felt like a wet, deflated balloon.
"Bella?!" Alice shouted, "Somebody help! Carlisle, Bella's not breathing!"
But Charlie, I thought at her, though my lips refused to make a sound, Charlie has to be stopped - I have to tell him about Jacob… And that's when I felt a hard push against my lower spine. Something small and unbreakable was pressing against my soft insides and I screamed as the vertebrae within were simply moved out of the way with a singular, sickening crack.
Jasper pulled the jeep over to the side of the road, just before the invisible treaty line. As he cut the ignition he again asked, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I looked at the back of the jeep, where Jacob's body lay under a plastic tarp, and nodded. We had already dropped Edward off at the Cullen's home and delivered all the packages with his body to Carlisle so he could get started on the repairs. This was the last thing to do before the nightmare was truly over. Jasper got out of the jeep and walked around to open my door for me, "Are you sure?" he asked again.
"I have to," I told him as I climbed out of the car and he handed me the keys.
"I'll be here when you get back," he said, leaving little room for argument. He should go back to the house to wait with the rest of the family, to maybe talk with Alice, but I knew there was no use reasoning with him. I walked around to the driver's side and climbed in, "I'll only be a little while," I told him as I ignited the rumbling engine. I glanced at him briefly in the rearview mirror before I turned the corner into La Push territory and he disappeared from sight.
Sighing I tried to focus on the task at hand and relied on muscle memory to take me where I needed to go. I knew every turn of the road that lead to Jacob's house, I had known the way since I was a small child. It was the kind of drive that lulled you into a sleepy familiarity and made you remember every other time you had taken the same road. Memories of Billy and my father listening to a football game on the radio with me, Jacob, and his sisters crammed into the backseat. We always played I Spy even though the answer was almost invariably a green tree; a running joke that never seemed to get old. The smell of the worn leather seats in my father's pickup truck. I slept in the cab under a beach towel after a long day of fishing on Lake Crescent and playing in the water. Picking Jacob up in the truck he had rebuilt for me and him giving me a hard time about how I revved the engine as I shifted gears. Ditching school to race our motorcycles together on the open road beyond La Push and spend the day running around in the forest. Holding his hand as we drove to his house for the night, listening to music or sometimes when the weather was warm rolling the windows down all the way and letting the summer air rush through our outstretched fingertips.
I realized today would be my last memory of this drive and soon I would have to say goodbye to all the rest. Through the rearview mirror I looked at the back of the jeep and saw the dark plastic tarp rustling slightly with every bump in the road. It wouldn't be much longer now.
Through my delirium I could hear voices speaking softly in the hallway. I recognized the hushed tones of Carlisle and the quiet, but insistent sound of Edward's voice. "I gave her some morphine; she'll be asleep soon," I heard Carlisle say. I looked over at my arm and saw I was hooked up to an IV. I watched as a smooth, clear liquid cascaded from the suspended bag into my opened vein. Closing my eyes, I wearily let the drug pull me away from my pain.
"Does she know about her father? About his condition?" Edward asked with concern.
"Yes," Carlisle sighed, "she insisted - she wouldn't let me administer the IV until I told her what had happened in La Push. But even if I had refused, Emmett would've broken down eventually. He feels responsible for her father's hospitalization."
"Because we sent him to rescue Charlie?" Edward asked.
"It's more than that - though he's distraught he didn't make it in time to prevent what happened. No, it's more that Emmett promised Bella he'd protect her father while she searched for you. I guess in the intervening time between they'd actually become close friends. Rosalie tells me it had something to do with football."
"Yeah that makes sense," Edward said, "I always thought they were similar. A man's man, you know? But Emmett said Black tried to stop the attack?"
"Apparently - for all the good it did," Carlisle grumbled angrily, "They dumped Charlie's body at the treaty line like it was garbage. But William was still with him when Emmett showed up and begged him to take Charlie to the hospital. It was all I could do to not get the police involved - they're distraught at the news of their Chief being hospitalized," he sighed and I could hear him restlessly shuffle some papers around, "Rosalie had a heck of a time making it look like a deer had hit his truck - I'm not completely sure they bought the story. And everything's been made worse because his doctors are unsure how long the coma will last. Emmett's there with him now, I doubt he'll come home until Charlie wakes up."
"And her mother?" Edward anxiously asked.
"Emmett intercepted the phone call from the hospital on my authority and I updated his records so all future calls go directly to Esme. She can keep the facade up for a little while," Carlisle sighed, "But we'll have to think of something more permanent soon. Bella's mother won't go much longer without speaking to either of them."
"Is Bella upset?" Edward softly inquired.
"Yes," Carlisle bluntly answered, "but pain is about all she can feel at the moment."
"How's she holding up?" Edward worriedly asked, "How's the baby?"
Carlisle hesitated and then said tersely, "Her x-rays aren't encouraging."
Edward pleaded, "Just tell me exactly what's going on. Please."
Carlisle paused and then quickly listed the details of my current condition in a sterile tone, "It looks as if the baby was attempting to turn in preparation for the birth. Five broken ribs, her spleen is slightly ruptured and there's a hairline crack in her pelvis. Her L2 vertebra is completely shattered, she won't be able to walk on her own from now on. One of her ribs has punctured her left lung and she's bleeding into her own chest. It's just a little right now, but given time…she'll be drowning in her own blood. I'll have to perform a minor operation later this evening if she has any hope of seeing the pregnancy to term." I gasped quietly to myself, so this is why I can't breathe or eat or move much anymore; I'm being destroyed from the inside. I listened to the steady drip of the IV and wondered how many drops would fall before I died.
"What about her accelerated healing capabilities?" Edward eagerly asked.
"It looks like the bloodstone isn't healing her fast enough," Carlisle told him and I noticed the frustration in his voice. My unique condition was proving to be taxing to even a doctor of his skill. "New injuries are appearing before the old ones have time to mend," he told Edward in exasperation, "At the rate the baby's growing and how her body is breaking down, it's hard to say if she'll ever walk again. But we'll know more after her transformation."
Edward recoiled, "Transformation?"
"Yes," Carlisle confirmed, "It's what she wants, Son."
"I see," I heard Edward coolly reply, "Or it's what you all want for her." I opened my eyes in time to see him come into the room. I still hadn't become accustom to seeing him whole or used to the hundreds of visible scars that crisscrossed his once flawless skin. When I became lucid Carlisle told me over the last 48 hours Jasper and Rosalie had finished the repairs to Edward's body as he worked on stabilizing my condition. I always expected I'd be there next to Edward as he was undergoing his operation. But now not only had I missed the entire procedure, I was also too weak to enjoy his new, wholly formed self. There would be no long walks along the beach or sitting close together while we played records in his room. There would be no feverish touches or adventures through the woods. There would be nothing but hand holding and sleeping and worried glances until we saw this next trial through. Grim fate, it seemed, was not done with us yet.
I made an attempt to greet Edward but was surprised when I opened my mouth all I could do was whisper a weak, "Hey you." Rosalie, who had been reading quietly nearby, came to my side and mopped a cool cloth over my brow, "Well," she smiled kindly, "we didn't know whether or not you'd be with us today."
I gave her a small grin, "Fooled you, Rose -" but a series of hard coughs cut off any further words. Rosalie quickly wiped away the small flecks of blood and spittle that came up and I looked at her apologetically, "I guess I had this coming to me," I joked, "But if the punishment fits the crime, I've been very bad."
"Hush," Rosalie chided as she propped me up on a few more pillows, "Edward's brought you something to eat."
Edward held up a clear glass full of blood, "It's warmed," he said as he plunked a straw down into the thick liquid, "Drink, before it gets cold."
"Ha. After our trip I almost prefer it that way," I joked and then as I took the glass my smile fell. "Almost," I reiterated softly as I watched the dark liquid slosh up the sides of the cup. I took a shallow breath and sipped a couple of inches through the wide plastic straw. A few moments passed and Rosalie, sensing Edward wanted to be alone with me, took her leave to fetch more water and promised a bath later that day. I rested a bit and waited for the blood to work its magic. Then after a while a little of my energy returned and I felt my skin flush with renewed warmth. "Ah," I sighed in relief, "that's nice." But then a strange pressure issued from somewhere inside and I reflexively winced in pain. I tried to hide my reaction from Edward but the gesture didn't escape his notice.
"I wish I could feed you and not the baby," he told me as he took the now empty glass from my hands.
"Don't say that," I scolded him.
"Every glass I bring, you end up with a broken rib…or worse," he frowned, shaking his head. I noticed the skin around his eyes was deeply bruised and the color of his irises was quickly waxing from a dull yellow to black; he wasn't feeding and the stress was starting to show.
"She's getting strong," I deflected his comment as I patted my belly maternally.
"Too strong," he groaned, "She's killing you, Bella."
I lifted my head defiantly, "Well good thing it won't be permanent."
Edward crossed his arms and frowned down at me, "That's putting it kindly," he said coldly.
Sensing a very intense fight was brewing I quickly backpedaled, "Look we don't have to talk about this now -"
"Hasn't this experience taught you anything?!" Edward angrily shouted, the force of the emotions he had been holding back finally rupturing, "You spent a month of your life retrieving pieces of my body! You held my severed head in your arms!" He ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up in jagged points and began pacing around the room like a caged lion. I quietly watched as the myriad of scars on his arms and neck flash silver-white whenever he got too close to the sunlit windows. "Don't you get it yet?" he sputtered, his rage barely contained, "We're abominations, Bella."
"I don't see it that way," I calmly told him but my tranquility only seemed to upset him further.
"If I was normal, none of this would have happened," he fumed, "You wouldn't be in that hospital bed. You wouldn't be begging me to turn you into a monster if something I did to you isn't killing you as we speak. If I was normal –"
"We would have never met," I said, cutting off his tirade.
He hesitated, the hot air deflating out of him, "Yeah, but –"
I shook my head, "There's no 'but' Edward. If you weren't a vampire we wouldn't have met. There would be no 'us'. That's it. There isn't any more."
"That doesn't excuse what's happened," he argued as he sat heavily down onto the bed beside me, "The cost is too high."
"No," I shook my head, "It's exactly what I'm willing to pay. And it's also not why everything happened either," I said. Edward scoffed loudly and I patiently waited until he let me continue, "Yes, I'm aware that what you are comes with challenges and what could only be described as horror. No," I put a finger to his lips when I saw he was about to object, "Shut up. Let me finish. Let me." I pushed my whole hand against his mouth and then dropped it when I felt him concede, "What Jacob did was a result of who we all are as people. Your actions, his reactions and my choices. They've got nothing to do with being human or superhuman. Sometimes, we're just not very good people, Edward. I know what you think about yourself, but I believe you haven't lost your capacity for doing good - I believe that about everybody, no matter who or what they are. And we're all just as equally capable of acting in our own self-interest. For all the blame you put on yourself, don't forget I'm as guilty as anyone for what's happened. I'm also responsible for being in this hospital bed."
"Don't even begin to say this is your fault," he muttered.
"Stop," I spat, "Just stop it, Edward. My choices were my own to make. And so are the consequences of those choices," I smoothed my hand lovingly over my baby belly, a gesture Edward didn't fail to notice, "When you excuse me from taking responsibility, you're also taking away my agency. I have the right to overcome and learn from my mistakes on my own terms."
"Well, yeah - but -" Edward started to argue but then hesitated as he thought about what I was saying.
"And the same goes for a certain headstrong vampire I know," I smiled, "Don't think I'm letting you off the hook for any of it either." I was relieved when after a moment of reflection I saw a ghost of a smirk cross his lips.
"You've changed," he said, not unkindly.
"We both have," I acknowledged, "And you know, there's something your 'curse' gave me that nothing else could."
He sighed, "And what's that?"
"It gave me you," I stated simply, "When you should have died, you lived. Where we had no right to ever meet, we did. Despite everything else, I'll always be grateful for whatever it is that allowed you to be here with me now."
Edward gently took my hand and held it between his cool palms, "This is not a gift," he said flatly.
"I know that," I said, yawning; the morphine started to kick in and was threatening pull me under, "It's what we make of it. Together."
"I want you to have everything you want," he frowned as he tucked my hand back under the covers and pulled the quilt up to my chin, "I just don't know how to reconcile your life with ours."
"I knew the consequences when we met," I said sleepily, my words fading as I fought to stay awake. Looking past him out the windows I noticed it had started to lightly snow outside, "Loving you has been worth every one of them. You know, I thought of a name?" I murmured, "It came to me in a dream...Reneseme, after our mothers...our little Nessie..." Edward just nodded, his expression unreadable. As my heavy eyelids slid shut I fell back into a twilight sleep and I imagined myself lying in a bed with snow falling all around. Distantly someone started to pray and the words were beautiful.
After that conversation and for the remainder of my pregnancy, Edward refused to speak about the inevitability of my death and resurrection. When I first met him and then found out what he was, I thought it was going to be us against the world. No matter how bad that world got, which it turned out could get pretty bad. But I'm starting to realize he doesn't want to be against the world, he desperately wants to be a part of it. That's what I represent, that's my place in all of this madness. I'm the prodigal human destined to bring his dead soul back to life.
But I've never felt comfortable with the heavy crown he decided to lay on my head. And now with the impending birth of our child, Edward's connection to the mortal world will be severed once again. He's not struggling with my certain death; he's still mourning his own. I know this and he does not, though I patiently try to tell him while he patiently refuses to listen. And so it is as we all sit tense, whiling away the days. I sleep, wake, feed, fight for my life and sleep again; waiting with baited breath for the upheaval little Reneseme's arrival will most assuredly bring.