PART 16: STAGGER
"Brazil… Lalalala,"Randy sang, while he was decorating the walls of his room with an art-web of colourful graffiti. He also plastered posters on the wall he found in a shop yesterday, showing anime- and cartooncharacters, rappers that were now all dead, scenes from action- and scifi-movies and the phrase 'Parental Advisory'. Soda- and beercans, all found on the street, towered up in pillars that nearly reached the roof. The bulletinboard that had already hung in the room when the group arrived at the hospital was covered with pictures of rock- and hiphop-stars, sexy actresses of the old days, self-made anime-characters and quotes. In a corner of the room lay wooden boards, nails and a hammer, the beginning of an indoor skating-ramp. All Randy's stuff was scattered in myriads over the floor.
Justine grunted as she entered the room, careful not to step on anything or trip over something. "Randy! Your room's a total pigsty!"she complained.
"No it's not, it's paradise,"Randy stated with a big grin.
"Clean it up for a change."
"I don't have to listen to you! I've become buddhistic, and realized our path in life is for ourselves to choose. You must respect my new-found religion."
"Stupid sea-barnacle,"Justine muttered exasperated.
"I'll do it after I've finished my ramp, okay? It's more practical that way. Don't worry, Juz, I'll clean it up. Eventually. But er… did you just come from Iz?"he asked.
Justine nodded slowly.
"So, how's Zion?"he asked.
Justine sighed. "Not any better, that's for sure. His fever hasn't dropped and he hasn't come out of bed, just like yesterday. Hasn't eaten anything yet. Just like yesterday,"she said, and sat down on Randy's unmade bed.
"Damn. Well, I'm sure everything will be okay in the end,"he said with a clear face.
Justine rolled her eyes and clicked her tongue. "How can you possibly be so happy and careless at a time like this?"she asked.
"That's where positive thinking comes into play,"Randy said cheery. "I always say: stay as positive as possible, that can only do good."
Justine rolled her eyes again. "I always say: stay as negative as possible, then whatever happens in the end can only be better than what you expected at first,"she said.
"Well, there's a philosophy too,"Randy chuckled and left his graffiti to sit next to her on the bed.
Justine dropped back and let her head rest. She closed her eyes for some time, looking deep in thought. "I hate this place. I never thought I'd say this, but it's even worse without the adults around. If this would be the world as it was four years ago, then Zion could just go to a doctor, and we'd know what's wrong with him. Sort of ironic: we're staying at a hospital, and still…" Deep sigh, coming from her toes. "You know, I sorta miss the old world. Not my family or my house, or anything. Not school. But, ya know, the structure. I'm a rebel, but I too need a little goddamn structure. Here you just don't know what to expect. And I miss… shopping for clothes with my friends. I miss careless Sunday's. And I miss tv."
"I miss tv too,"Randy mused. "I watched every show: sci-fi- and action-series, horror, sitcoms… I never missed and episode of Friends, Buffy and Angel. I watched all the anime's and even the cartoons. Damn, I loved cartoons –especially Spongebob Squarepants. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea…'" I even watched all those documentaries on Discovery Channel. Ever wonder how I came to know all those useless facts? Discovery Channel! The only thing I didn't watch was the news. Hated that goddamn show. Maybe that's why I stayed in the dark about the Virus so long,"Randy said.
"I miss cars. I hate walking. And I miss bananas and other fresh fruit, and Coca Cola and ice cream…"
"I miss my dog. Well, at least we have Yentle now. And I miss my old room, and my gran's strawberry-cake."
"I miss my life,"a soft voice said. The teens looked up to see Raja standing in the door-opening, holding her young son. "But talking about doesn't help much, I guess."
"Well, it does actually,"Randy said. "It's important that we don't forget what our lives used to be like. It's nice phantasizing about it. It'll help you escape from reality. And boy, do we need to escape from reality. What do you miss, Raja?"
Raja entered the room, nearly tripping over Randy's skateboard and sat down on the bed. "I miss Hazel, an old friend as mine. She was the best friend I ever had, and I never realized what happened to her. And I miss… school,"she said.
"No way! Get out of here,"Justine said.
"Well, I do miss school. I liked it. It's too bad Aaron will probably never got to a good school,"Raja said with a look of disappointment.
"You could teach him. You'd probably be an excellent teacher. Besides, you never know –by the time Aaron is ready to go to school, the kids have decided it's finally about time to grow up and start building a better society. We could even start that change, or at least help with it,"Randy said.
"School, man,"Justine said. "School sucked. This world's logic is a web of opinions that are supposed to pass for facts, and school is the best example of that. They force their own way of life and thinking, their own ideals on to you. I still have the ability to think for myself… mainly because I've hardly ever been to school, so my brains didn't rot away coz of all the bullshit they used to stuff in our heads. All the things they thought kids there… how nearly invisible creatures reproduce a-sexually at the bottom of the ocean. Who gives a fuck?! It's not like I'll ever go there anyway. And all those weird terms in English class… a presuperlative infinounverb… or whatever. Math's the worst –I side with Izzy on that one- it's a religion. I mean, come on, a+b=c?! How can you possibly multiply letters? Those aren't facts, you have to believe in it. Like everything, really. There are no facts until every last person on earth believes in it. So basically, considering all the different beliefs on this planet, there are no facts at all."
"Wow… Jus, that was really deep,"Randy said impressed.
"Are we gonna have a philosophical discussion?"Raja asked.
"Nah, I vote we don't,"Justine said, chuckling. "How's about we just go for a walk. I could do with some fresh air."
"Yay, an opportunity to impress someone with my skateboard-skills,"Randy said and grabbed his skateboard, on which he started racing through the hallway. "Banzai!"he shouted, as he attempted to skate down the stairs. The girls didn't see what happened after that, all they picked up was a lot of noise, followed by a muttered "ow…"
"You know what I miss too?"Justine asked. "That tv-show Jackass."
*
Iz sat at Zion's bedside, wanting a change in his state so desperately, she nearly started to think she could imagine things that might not be there. The room started bouncing before here, and she knew she had a serious lack of sleep the past two nights. But she didn't care; how could she sleep when Zion was sick and she didn't know what was up with him?
It wasn't the Virus, she had figured that much out. He didn't have all the symptoms of the Virus. But that didn't stop her from worrying, because there were still plenty of dangerous diseases out there. Their numbers might have increased, plagues that hadn't showed up for ages might rear their ugly heads now, due to the lack of medicin and hygiene. It was all possible. Scarlet Fever, TB, Typhoid, Cholera, Spanish Influenza, Jaundice… the Black Plague. Hell, even that was probably possible!
The world had never been this confusing, chaotic and dangerous before. Murphy's law dictates that whatever goes right, must go wrong at some horrible point…? Yeah, it would be the end of sheer logic if that old Rule Of Life would ever change. As always, God could be far more generous when it came to handing out misery rather than happiness.
Iz flashed back to something she thought when she was younger. She figured God had to be a sado-masochist; liking to watch people suffer. Or a very cruel scientist maybe, who cares no more about his test-subjects –the people on the ant-farm called earth- then any scientist would care about a bunch of lab-rats.
If life was a game, would God cheat all the time? Wasn't it possible for the pawns to cheat themselves?
*
Scott looked out of the window. It was kind of hard to believe they had been in the city for nearly three weeks, and how much had happened in that time. He said it before; the city spells trouble. First Kita got kidnapped, then fights started breaking out, Kera hardly spoke after the 'incident' and now Zion was sick. And nobody knew what was wrong with him. While they were in the hospital. Irony.
Outside, everything looked grey. Autumn was dying fast now, the cold breeze had already taken the green of every tree, froze the ground, and painted the sky colourless. There was no denying the fact that winter was now approaching. They had been building up a stock of food, for as far as that were possible, to last them the whole winter in this miserable place.
Well, it was beyond doubt that that food would easily last them the entire winter. Zion was so sick he could hardly eat anything, Kera liked to stay in her room all day and only came down to get dinner when she felt like it (which wasn't all that often) and Jax didn't come down for dinner very often either… because he was Jax. Yep, the way things were going they didn't have to worry about starving –at least not the ones who wanted to eat.
Scott was astonished at the fact how cruel and cynical he had become lately. It wasn't his style. But everybody seemed to change her. Kera had become jealous and vicious, Zion wasn't as good a leader as he once was (before he got sick, that was), Dart seemed out of focus the entire time, Iz was now a zombie that only wanted to stay by Zion's side, the tribe was starting to fall apart; everyone had gone nuts!
There was something in the air here.
Scott looked down and saw Randy skateboarding his way onto the street, closely followed by Justine and Raja, who carried Aaron around. Aaron was apparently wearing three sweaters and two coats or something, because he looked like a Michelin-man. Scott was surprised they had actually chosen to go out, despite of the chilly air. Oh well, at least some of them were still having fun.
Scott left the cold world behind the glass and sat down on the edge of his bed. He wondered if anybody still knew he was there. It wasn't a selfish question, brought forth by a mind that wallowed in self-pity, he honestly wondered if they had completely forgotten about him. He didn't have a big mouth, wasn't one to cause fights and leave a print on the tribe's daily life, and he felt like he had gone unnoticed for the past days. Back in the woods you didn't have to start a catfight, stop eating or fall ill to get some form of attention.
He didn't pitied himself or complain when he seriously thought about the fact that if he would just stay here, the tribe might eventually ask themselves, after months: "Say, what happened to that kid… What's his name?" And they'd go his room and find nothing but his skeleton. It was nearly funny, slapstick-like. But the situation wasn't exactly something to laugh about.
*
"Where's Iz?"Raja asked at dinner.
"Not eating,"Justine answered. "She insisted on staying with Zion."
"Oh. And Kera?"
"She said she wasn't hungry. She's not hungry a lot lately."
"Jax?"
"Not in his room. Don't have a clue where he could be."
"Trojan?"
"Couldn't find him either."
Raja looked around the table and saw only Dart, Randy, Justine –who was now setting the table- and… wait a second.
"Where's Scott?"Raja now asked.
Justine rolled her eyes. "He's not here either? Oh well, all the more food for us."
"Justine!"Raja said in a motherly, lecturing voice.
"What? I did call him, okay? I may not have Izzy's voice, but I can be pretty sure of the fact he heard it. If he didn't, he probably isn't around. Now, if all of them don't want to eat, that's their own stupid choice,"Justine said, falling back to her custom, nasty way.
Randy frowned, Aaron for once wasn't giggling and Raja felt as if she was suffocating –darkness in her lungs, spreading like a cancer- and nearly felt the need to turn dinner herself, when she finally noticed what the deal was. Things were falling apart. Confusion and fear took over.
What in God's name was going on with this tribe? What was happening?
*
Jax had come to recognize that knock on the door. He had only heard it a few times before, but it was etched in his memory. It meant Trojan was standing on the other side. Jax honestly didn't know why that meant so much to him –it had never even really gone through his head to ask himself why- he just knew that for some reason, he liked the feeling he got when Trojan would walk to his room especially, out of free will. It made him feel… important. Special. Good. And that only happened when it was Trojan.
"You don't need any food?"said the dark, slender silhouette in the doorway.
"Not really hungry,"Jax said, seemingly careless. "Why aren't you at dinner?"
"Not really hungry either,"Trojan said in the same voice, his face bearing a slight smirk. He entered the small, poorly lit room, moving slowly and uncertainly swigging a bit, as if not entirely sure what to do in this place. He stopped in his paces, two feet away from Jax's bed, and looked at the dark-haired boy.
Jax was once again completely amazed by the colour of Trojan's eyes. It was so weird, that a humanbeing's eyes could really be silver. Jax was sure of the fact that he had never seen it before. He looked at the moon-coloured orbs like he would've looked at a snow-white raven that would've suddenly came flying into his room through the window.
"How can you possibly not be hungry if you didn't eat all day?"Trojan asked, amazement twisting his brows in a funny way. Jax shrugged his shoulders. He knew his stomach felt empty; he just had the nauseous feeling he would never be able to get a hot meal down his throat.
Trojan decided to let that subject rest. He was not a 20 Questions-person. If someone didn't answer a question clearly, it was obvious that someone didn't really feel like talking about the matter, and Trojan respected that. So, he brought the 'conversation' onto another subject.
"You know, it can be pretty boring here, when there's no work today. Especially in the evenings. In the old world we had tv, radio, computers and all stuff to pass the boring nights. It makes you wonder how the people killed time when they didn't have that electronic stuff yet…? I guess they would drink, or dance, or tell stories, or have shadow-plays, or sing and make music or something. Or maybe some talented guy would juggle or have a magic-performance. Maybe we oughta do something like that too, coz –I know we've got bigger worries- it'll be a good way to pass time, and there's no better way to chase worries away than to have a little fun… Oh, wait, I know something fun! I found this room today, that has a guitar, and a piano, and drums, and more of that stuff in it. I have no idea what it used to be, maybe it was a room where the patients could have a little fun, or maybe they gave music-therapy there…?
Why is he telling me all of this? Jax wondered, fascinated.
"Are you bored?"Trojan asked Jax all of the sudden.
"Er, I don't know… I guess,"Jax said. Yeah, sitting in his room the whole time without any company or a nice book or a tv-show to pass time and take his mind of things would've been boring, if he hadn't had the inner voice and the daydreams (that was to say; day-nightmares) to bother him.
"Well, then… Well, then…,"Trojan muttered and he furrowed his brow, like he would've done if he was trying real hard to remember something. Except that wasn't the case now. "We could organize our own fun night, it would be cool, ya know, and then we wouldn't be bored, and I can play the guitar, and I could teach you too."Trojan said all of this incredibly fast and Jax needed some time to process it all.
"Er… okay,"he stuttered eventually.
*
Free… The figure in the silent, cold night sauntered through the dark, uncertain on small and bare feet, that were numb because of the frost. It was that ring of light that had provided freedom, a gateway to the safe world where redbrown squirrels are acrobats in century-old oak-trees. Only one safe way to walk from that other world –darkness- to this one. Light, clear my way, keep my enemy at bay.
Now all that needed to be done… Home. Home was all that had to be found.
*
Kera lay on her bed, cold and motionless, as if she was laying in her coffin. That's what it felt like for her. She felt so dead, empty and numb… she got the feeling she would have to be buried.
But underneath that grey fog in her head, that gave her eyes the scary blank stare, fire raged and scorched her soul. Zion. He was sick, withering from some disease they knew nothing about –stupid kids they were- and she couldn't get close to him, wouldn't be able to say her goodbye's if he really would die. Iz was a protective shield, near him all the time; holding his hand and stroking his hair, begging for him to wake up.
Kera had given up on the foolish rivalry with Iz. It was utterly pointless, as she could never win, and she never stood a chance anyway. All she ever wanted was Zion, she waited ages for it, but in the end she had to face that some things just weren't meant to be. That it had been childish and naïve to dream away about something she could never gave.
That's why she wasn't jealous of Iz anymore. Kera had only been jealous before if another person was in the possession of something that she could maybe, possibly, some day, have herself. But Iz was victorious, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
And now she was laying in her room, pathetic, not feeling the hunger she was supposed to feel, knowing that she was this close to him, but she could never truly reach him. She could see him, but not touch him, feel his presence near her, feel his skin against hers at night… like Iz could. Iz was his Queen, and she never would be.
And the infamous darkhaired Ice Princess was by his side even now, bearing her protective shield, holding Zion while he might be dying. Kera could get this close, but she could never get close enough. The only thing she wanted in life, wasn't meant for her.
*
Trojan played a few accords on the guitar. A smile broke through the bad weather on Jax's face. He couldn't believe there was still actually something fun about the world. All the fights, the tribe falling apart, and then Zion –the only one that had protected him- falling ill… not to mention all his personal issues… it had made live everything but fun for him.
And to forget all your cares for a second, due to a music-tune, was a true blessing. He had never been more grateful to Trojan, who was now playing Elvis's "A Little Less Conversation" –a very speedy version of the song- on the guitar.
Jax lingered towards the piano and laid a small, pale hand on its dark wood. He had always thought piano's were cool. The sound they brought forth could be serene at one moment, sad at the other, and then happy… it could even be mad. But always utterly musical.
"I can play that too,"Trojan suddenly said, putting the guitar away. Jax looked at him in nearly childish amazement as Trojan took his place behind the piano, coughed and cracked his fingers in a very official and professional way, and started playing the first part of Beethoven's Moonshine Sonata.
Jax's mouth slowly fell open as he took in the tones that were brought forth by Trojan's co-operation with the amazing instrument. He could be sure of the fact that he had never heard something that beautiful before.
Jax pulled up another chair and sat behind the piano as well, to be able to watch in full admiration. Trojan stopped playing slowly and turned his head to look at Jax, who was now sitting so close to him.
"That was good,"Jax said, the look in his eyes more open than it had ever been. "Where did you learn that?"
"Er… my parents made me take piano-lessons,"Trojan muttered in a feeble, uncertain voice, grinning sheepishly.
Jax smiled as he looked at the keys, black and white ivory, before him. He pressed one down and with immense pleasure, listened to the sound it brought forth. He knew nothing about piano's and never took a lesson in his life, but he had an ear for music.
He just had to try out some keys to know which he could best combine; thus creating a strange, yet melodical tune.
Trojan watched as Jax took over the piano. His fingers pressing the keys in an elegant way, with such enthusiasm it was nearly childlike, he created a flowing melody, that was never the same and never repeated itself, sounding so strange yet beautiful, it seemed like something from a different country.
Hardly thinking about what he was doing, Trojan pressed a kiss against Jax's cheek. Jax's fingers fell numb right away and only then did Trojan realize what he did. Jax turned his head slowly to look at him, nothing but amazement in his eyes. Trojan's face heated and he felt his eyes burn, wishing the earth would open up and devour him right now. More than that… he felt disgusted with himself. He felt his insides twist and memories came flooding back. He wasn't normal…
He got up so fast, his chair tipped over, and ran out of the room, closing the door with a bang. Jax watched him go, with big eyes that didn't give away anything. He watched the shut door for three minutes, then turned back to the piano. He brought his hand to a key, placing his own fingertip over Trojan's fingerprint. Then he slowly got up and staggered back to his room.
*
Iz pressed herself against Zion, while he was lying in his bed, his body burning with fever and his mind drifted away by a fog, to far gone to hear her. What if he would never hear her again?
She felt tears stain her cheeks, buried her wet nose in his chest, and held onto him desperately with a deformed sob, as if she could hold onto his very soul, preventing it to leave his body.
Things had been so good for the past couple of weeks, better than ever. She couldn't remember ever being so happy. She needed nothing but a few hours with Zion to know she wanted him for the rest of her life. And when it turned out that might not happen, she didn't even have a hand in it. Her first and worst love.
"No,"she sobbed, holding him tightly.
"Iz…?"he whispered.
*
It was still early in the morning, the sun had hardly rose yet. It hadn't lit up the sky yet, let alone warm the land. But Scott was already up, and wide awake. He hadn't closed his eyes all night, and had been given the time to make a decision.
He wasn't going to stay. The tribe was falling apart. And he wasn't going to stay just to see their leader die of sickness, and to see arguments shred a once-close group apart. He didn't want to stick around for that, he'd rather just have a memory of how great it once was. How things were all Garden-of-Eden-style, back in the forest. And ofcourse, he didn't want to stay with the tribe if it lost Kita. Her special touch, her grace, her enchanting aura and beauty. If she wasn't there, then what was the point really?
So he made his decision. He had thought about it good and hard, and had come to the conclusion. He had packed his bags –what a joke; there wasn't much to pack- and was now good and ready to leave. Even though he knew the tribe wouldn't miss him (they barely noticed him) he didn't want to leave with them watching. So he had got up early in the morning.
He left his room and made to go downstairs. With every step he took, memories started flowing back. This was the tribe he had been living with for nearly three years. He had been part of it, since it just consisted of two scared kids named Randy and Justine, living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
He had come to know the two of them, an indestructible unit, and had gone out to collect food with them. He was there when Randy's old dog, the only thing that had reminded the guy of home, died and had to be buried. He had been there when Trojan arrived, starving, cold and bitter, wearing sunglasses in the middle of the winter.
He had been the first to see Iz, as she came striding up to the house, looking desperately for a place to stay. And she was followed by another girl, an old friend of her… and that had been the first time he had laid eyes on Kita. He could remember what it had been like. The way she walked, her moist lips, the sad, wise look in her beautiful eyes, her black hair with the caramel highlights moving like a flag in the cold, harsh autumnwind. He couldn't remember ever seeing something that beautiful, be it plant, nature, animal or human. Kita. Just the sound of her name.
Scott had been there when the two girls adjusted to the group, and hadn't taken his eyes of Kita since, adoring her for a distance. He had been there when they found Dart –him and Justine had gone out to fetch water- collapsed, beaten and bruised by the creek. They had dragged him back to the cabin together and found out he suffered from amnesia, and Kita had nursed him. And Scott would've given everything to just change places with the stranger for five minutes.
He had been there when Kera arrived, a stronger, much more vibrant version of the heart-broken girl that was now refusing food. He had seen her well-meant, yet futile attempts to create some order.
Then Zion came, a pregnant girl that was not much more than a child on one side, and a timid boy on the other. His protégées Raja and Jax. He had seen Zion shape the group of dysfunctional kids into a real tribe, he had seen how Jax, who was first to scared to talk to anyone, slowly started to fit in into the group, and he had been there when Raja went through labor and got a healthy baby-boy after a lot of effort.
He had been there the whole time. Supporting the tribe in his own, subtle way. All those memories…
He shook his head when he had reached the bottom of the stairs. "That's right,"he said to himself. "They're nothing but memories. And it's far better you remember the tribe by that, the strong group you loved in spite of all their flaws, then watch the downfall of it all." And with those words, he left the hospital.
Or so he thought. The minute he stepped out of the hospital, looking at the frostwhite wintersky, he tripped over something and landed hard on the pavement. "Goddamnit!"he yelled out. He got up and turned his head to look at the thing he tripped over, ready to break it into pieces… But then he saw. He saw what 'it' was and his mouth fell open.
He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe his eyes.