25

The tears streamed down her face as she took in the sight of her baby lying there, so helpless looking, covered in tubes and wires. It didn't feel real. It wasn't the first time she had stared down at a hospital bed terrified about the outcome for one of her precious babies either. Why this had to have happened she had no idea. She found herself genuinely questioning what on earth it was she had done that meant that she and her precious baby deserved to go through something like this.

The doctors had told her it was just a case of wait and see now and that there was nothing much they could do except to provide supportive care while they waited to see if the antibiotics would work. It was a living nightmare. Every single minute dragged by and her eyes kept returning to the clock on the wall of the PICU only to discover the minute hand had barely moved since the last time she had checked. How was she supposed to survive the agonizing wait? How was she supposed to get through the next few days, worrying whether her baby would even live, let alone if there'd be any permanent side effects after the illness?

Elliot had stayed with her for a while. Then he had left to pop home, taking Jacob with him, to collect some things. She wanted him to bring the little teddy that Kai had in his cot, thinking anything that could make this place feel familiar and thereby more welcoming would be good for when he woke up. So she sat alone, beside his bed, just talking to him, telling him stories about places she wanted to show him and telling him about all the amazing things he would be able to experience as he grew up. Most of the time when she stared at her babies as they slept, she was struck by a sense of just how endless the possibilities were regarding their futures. Now she was questioning if there would even be one for her little son and it was heartbreaking.

A little while after Elliot had left she slipped off for a visit to the bathroom. Once she had finished, she stood in front of the mirror and splashed some cold water on her face. As she stared back at her reflection, she winced at the dark shadows under her eyes. She knew she was exhausted, but there was no way she would be able to sleep while in such limbo. She reached for a paper towel and as she did so, the door to the bathroom creaked open and the mother she had seen at the bed at the other end of the room came in. She had been aware of the presence of another young child in the PICU. She had discerned he was a toddler, at least a year older than Kai. She wasn't sure what exactly was wrong with him, but she had gathered he was quite critically ill from the snippets she had overheard. Of course his presence in the PICU meant that was a given anyway.

The Mother nodded at her in a silent greeting, an expression on her face that Olivia immediately understood. They were both here because they had desperately sick children. It was an automatic bond that maybe only someone in their position could really understand.

"Are you okay?" the woman asked her.

"It's water," Olivia explained. She guessed it would look like she had been crying.

"How old is your baby?" the younger woman asked.

"He's seven months," Olivia replied. "How old is yours?"

"Nineteen. He's big though. Most people think he's much older."

"Why is he in here?"

"Meningitis turned to septicaemia."

"I'm so sorry," Olivia said heavily. "My baby has meningitis too." Her eyes filled with tears as she said the words.

"I get it," the other woman whispered, reaching out and touching Olivia's arm gently. "I'll say a prayer for him."

"Thank you," Olivia whispered. "I'll say one for your son too."

The woman disappeared into a toilet cubicle and Olivia finished drying her face before heading back to Kai's bedside.

…

Later when Elliot returned with Jacob he sat with Kai while Olivia took him out to nurse him. She had just changed him over on to the second breast when the lady from earlier entered the room.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said.

"Oh no, it's fine," Olivia informed her with a smile.

"I didn't realise you had twins!"

"Yes. This little guy is Jacob."

"He's adorable! Are they identical?"

"No, but I think anyone will be able to tell they are brothers."

"How's he doing?"

"No change," Olivia sighed, knowing she was referring to Kai now. "The waiting is just horrible, isn't it?"

"Definitely," the other woman agreed, as she stepped towards the water dispenser and poured herself a cup. "Do you want one?"

"Thanks," Olivia said.

"I'm Kara, by the way."

"I'm Olivia." She didn't say the 'nice to meet you' that was on the tip of her tongue. It just didn't seem appropriate given where they were.

"We should get a coffee or something later, maybe? This might sound weird, but it's kind of a comfort to know that someone else knows what it's like to go through this. Not that I would ever wish this on anyway, but you know what I mean."

"Yes, I do," Olivia replied. "A coffee would be great."

"OK, well maybe chat to you later then?"

"Okay."

Olivia watched the younger woman leave the room, assumedly returning to her son's bedside and sighed. She looked down at Jacob. He had closed his eyes and was half-asleep with his "milk-drunk face!" as Olivia liked to refer to it. His long eyelashes stood out clearly on his cheeks and as she watched her small son, she was suddenly overwhelmed once again by just how precious life really was and how fragile. She clutched her baby even tighter as she tried to force her fears about what fate might await Kai and instead tried to focus on thinking positively. They were in the hospital. He was getting the best care. She had to trust that everything would work out okay… because it just had to.

…

"Are you sure you don't want to go home for a few hours?" Elliot asked her, placing a concerned hand on her lower arm. There had been no change in Kai's condition, which had been good news for at least it wasn't deterioration. Elliot had tried to convince her to come home with him to shower, have a decent meal and try and get a few hours sleep, but she had refused to leave his side.

"I couldn't sleep anyway," she said. "I can't leave him, El. He needs me."

"OK. Promise me you'll call if you need anything okay?"

She nodded.

He leaned in and kissed her tenderly on the lips. "See you in the morning," he said.

"Bye, Jacob!" she said. "Mommy loves you."

Elliot raised the baby to her so she could kiss him goodnight.

"Love you too," she whispered, as Elliot leaned in for his own kiss. He replied the same and then with one final squeeze of her arm, he left.

…

Elliot returned the next morning with a cup of coffee and a muffin which he had picked up on the way in to the hospital. She took Jacob first, settling him down for his morning feed. Then Elliot handed her the paper cup. She smiled in thanks.

"How is he?" Elliot asked.

"He's doing okay so far. They say if the antibiotics are working, we might start to see some improvement by the end of the day."

"That sounds positive," he said leaning in and kissing the top of her head. "He's tough like you, Liv. He's fighting it."

"How's Jacob been?"

"Absolutely fine," Elliot replied quickly. "He slept really well. Woke at 6am and seemed happy with his baby rice and some fruit for breakfast."

"That's good," she said. "Did you remember the antibiotics?"

"Yes," Elliot replied. All three of them had been prescribed some as a precaution for there was always the slight possibility that the meningitis could be passed on amongst close family members. They were keeping a careful eye on Jacob and watching for any signs that he might be getting sick too for the sooner it was caught, the better the prognosis. So far though, he had shown absolutely no sign of sickness.

"Did you get any sleep?" Elliot asked.

"I think I may have dozed off for half an hour in the chair."

"Sweetheart, you're going to have to try and get some rest today. When Kai gets better, he's going to need you."

"One sleepless night, won't kill me Elliot," she replied with a wry smile.

"Well don't forget you need your rest for optimal milk production," he said, changing tack. He knew how important nursing was to her. He watched the hesitancy on her face and knew she had taken his point to heart.

"The second he shows some improvement, I promise I'll get some rest," she said. "Will that keep you happy?"

"I guess it will have to do," he said, resignedly.

…

Later that evening after the doctor's round, they were given the good news that Kai did seem to be responding to the antibiotics and that although he still had a way to go, his chances of a full recovery were looking a little better than they had that morning It was the best news they could have hoped for and after the doctor left Elliot took Olivia into his arms and held her tight while she cried tears of relief. She insisted on staying the night again, so later on Elliot returned home alone with Jacob once again, promising to return first thing in the morning.

…

She must have dozed off in the chair, for the next thing she was aware of was the commotion at the end of the room. The doctor had been called in, the curtains were drawn around the little bed and so she could only guess at what was going on by the sounds that emanated across the room. Monitors were beeping and with her heart in her stomach, she knew they were using resuscitation techniques. She heard them fight to save the little boy for over an hour, before she heard the doctor apologising to the mother and the horrible words stating that he was gone. There was no sugar-coating or flowery language as they'd use in a movie or TV show. The doctor was straight to the point in telling Kara that her son had died.

Olivia felt the tears in her own eyes as she imagined what the poor woman must be feeling. They hadn't had time to have that coffee and for some reason that made her feel terribly guilty. She had been so caught up in the improvement in her own son's condition, that she had barely given the other woman a second thought. Elliot and Jacob had been at the hospital all day. It suddenly occurred to her that no one else had been to visit Kara and her son in all the time she had been there. It appeared they were completely alone. Olivia listened to the sound of the distraught woman sobbing, the gentle voice of a nurse attempting to comfort her and her heart felt like it was breaking. This could be her. This horrible disease literally destroyed lives. She was sitting meters from a woman whose life had been shattered. She would never be the same again. As she stared down at her own baby, her fear at losing him threatened to completely overwhelm her. Grasping her handbag, she crept out of the room and slipped into the communal area. She took her phone and dialled the number.

"Liv? What's happened?" Elliot asked her immediately, his tone anxious, not a single trace of grogginess despite the fact it was almost half past three in the morning.

"He died, El," she sobbed.

"What? No!" Elliot's voice caught as her words sunk in.

"Oh geez no, Elliot, I'm so sorry, not Kai, the other baby in the PICU, I meant. The one that had meningitis like Kai."

"Oh, I see. For a moment I thought…"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you think it was Kai."

"No, it's OK. What happened?"

"I don't know. I woke up and they were all there. They worked on him for over an hour, El. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it all. It was horrible. I just keep thinking of that poor woman… and Kai. What if we lose him too?"

"You heard the doctor. He's getting better. You can't think like that. You have to stay positive, sweetheart."

"I can't do this…"

"Listen, I'm coming in, okay."

"No! Don't wake Jacob! He'll be up in a few hours anyway. Come then."

"Liv, you shouldn't be on your own. You're upset." He could tell she had been crying throughout the entire phone call, even though she had been attempting to hide it.

"I'll be fine, El. I can manage a couple more hours. Please, don't wake him. Look, I have to go. I need to go back to Kai. I love you."

"I love you too."

…

An hour later, Elliot stepped inside the PICU and headed straight over to her.

"Elliot!" she exclaimed, totally taken aback that he had come.

"It's okay," he soothed, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "I called Maureen. She's with Jacob and will bring him in when he wakes up."

"I'm so glad you're here!" she said, sinking into him and allowing him to completely support her weight.

"There was no way I wouldn't be," he said softly, stroking her head tenderly as she cried into his chest.