It was a little past one in the morning when Kakuzu got a call from Sasori. The miser had just put Hidan to bed (after the kid puked up pretty much everything in his guts and passed out on the bathroom floor) and was hoping to go to sleep himself. Unfortunately, past experience had taught him that ignoring Sasori would only result in the redhead finding more annoying ways to contact the banker, and thus Kakuzu had to answer his phone. "Sasori, tonight is a really bad night for whatever gloating you're going to do."

"Fine, I'll hold off on the gloating, but I need you to come over here now," Sasori stated. "Shit happened and I need your help to figure it out."

"Shit happened to you? Shit happened to you?" Kakuzu almost laughed into the phone. "Sasori, I just got done sobering Hidan up because he went to his mom's place of work and got drunk in front of her. Oh, and I have a meeting with her tomorrow to discuss why Hidan is living with me in the first place, never mind the fact that we just did something that is beyond forgiveness or redemption!"

"I have a ten-year-old bottle of brandy," Sasori offered. "And a glass with your name on it. All you have to do is drive over here and find a nice spot on my couch to bitch."

Kakuzu almost unleashed a storm of fresh swearing upon his friend for being so blasé about his ordeal, but decided in the end that Sasori was really the only person he could talk to about this problem. "You make a good argument," Kakuzu finally conceded. "But I'm a little drunk, so you'll have to pick me up."

"Actually, I'm already outside your apartment," Sasori informed the banker. "I wasn't in a mood to take no for an answer."

"Bastard," Kakuzu growled as he snapped the phone shut.

-one car ride later-

"And that's when Hidan ran into the bathroom and started puking, either from the alcohol or the stress or the disgust of our kiss," Kakuzu finished as he sipped at his third glass of brandy.

"Dear Kami, I thought you were exaggerating," Sasori muttered through a mouthful of bacon weenies.

"Surprisingly, Sasori, most people don't act like mild inconveniences are the end of the world. We save our panicking for real emergencies like tonight. What happened with you and Deidara?"

"Never mind that right now," Sasori said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "You've gone over to the dark side, my friend. You kissed a minor. I'm not sure I want to associate with you in public anymore."

"Remember the gallery fiasco your junior year?"

"Damn you for always bringing that up. Fine, we can still be friends even if you do go after jailbait."

"I can't believe I met his mother," Kakuzu groaned, sinking backwards onto Sasori's leather couch. "I can't tell her the truth; she probably wouldn't believe me even if I did."

"And I doubt you could feed her the Big Brother program line like you did with your bosses," Sasori mused over a sip of brandy. "Perhaps we need more alcohol. You could at least drink yourself to death then if we can't come up with a better plan."

"Why the hell am I even friends with you?"

"Because in true times of crisis I've yet to fail you," Sasori retorted with his trademark bored look. "Now think; what parts of the story can you keep, and what parts will you leave out? The less lying you have to do, the better; you nearly flunked out of our creative writing class, remember?"

"We only took that class because you wanted to get into the professor's incredibly tight pants," Kakuzu snapped back.

"That has nothing to do with our current predicament. Now, you met Hidan outside the bank one day, right?"

"Yes. He tried to mug me at knifepoint. I bribed him off with stale doughnuts."

"…"

"What now?"

"Nothing. Just…that would make for a very interesting painting, if I dressed you two in Greek togas and replaced the doughnuts with some wine-"

"That's it, I'm leaving," Kakuzu snapped. The banker rose to his feet to carry out his threat, but ended up collapsing backwards when the room began to spin. "Oh Kami, I think I'm drunk."

"That's the perfect mindset for nefarious scheming. All right, let's say that you fobbed off the doughnuts on Hidan, no knife involved, and Hidan started following you around after that…"

It took the rest of the night to put together a coherent story that wouldn't totally terrify Hidan's mother, and by the time the sun came up Kakuzu was ready to pass out. This had easily been the most exhausting day in his life, and considering how long Hidan had been around him that was saying something. Speaking of Hidan, the kid might wake up soon and get the wrong idea about Kakuzu being out of the house.

Quickly the banker took out his phone and shot off a brief text to Hidan explaining that Sasori had demanded to see him after the show, and there was nothing that could be done about it. Still, even as he sent the message Kakuzu wondered what the wrong idea really was. That he was ashamed of the kiss? Embarrassed, disgusted, even wanting Hidan to leave? None of those things were true. In fact, Kakuzu had greatly enjoyed the kiss; as Hidan said, it was fucking amazing.

"So what are you going to do now?" Sasori asked. The redhead had gone to fetch a pillow and blanket for Kakuzu to sleep on, and now draped the covers over the back of the couch for the banker to use when he at last succumbed to sleep.

"I don't know. I need to tell Suigetsu something, but I don't know what."

"You plan to confess? Because let me tell you, that usually results in hairbrushes being thrown and lots of tears-"

"No. Well, maybe. I mean, I think I need to break up with him. I'd feel scummy for staying with him after kissing Hidan," Kakuzu confessed. "And as much as I enjoy Suigetsu's company, something's missing from our relationship."

"Well if you figure out what that is, do let me know," Sasori requested as he pushed his friend backwards to lie down. "I've been looking for years. Now sleep."

"Fine. Oh, Sasori?"

"Yes?"

"What exactly happened with you and Deidara?"

Sasori scoffed at the question. "What makes you think it had anything to do with Deidara?"

"Because when something goes wrong during one of your shows, it's always because you did something to piss off the model," Kakuzu replied with a yawn, pulling the blanket down to cover him. "So what did you do this time?"

"Nothing. It's just…he hugged me. And I thought it was nice."

"That's it?"

"Well, no. By nice, I mean it was like all the black and white aspects of my life for a brief moment found chiaroscuro, and then went back to their normal flat patterns when he stopped," Sasori explained, sinking down onto a squishy armchair near Kakuzu's head. "I've never had that happen before."

"Don't sleep with him."

"I'm not planning on it! And you're one to judge me, mister I-decided-to-try-kissing-away-Hidan's-pain," Sasori retorted. Kakuzu shut his eyes and made a noise like a wounded animal, stabbing Sasori's heart with pity. "Sorry, that was a bit harsh. For what it's worth, that moment would make a great scene in a romantic drama."

"I'm going to sleep. Hopefully when I wake up this will all have turned out to be one big nightmare," Kakuzu groaned, pulling the covers up over his head.