He knocked on her apartment door every night, but she was never there. He would call and text, but she would never answer or reply. He got lucky when she gave him a one word reply, at least he knew she was still alive. He checked her favourite bars, but she was never there. It was like she never existed. Then one night, he had Mouse ping her phone, and she was in a club. He called her, knowing that photo of them would show up on her phone, but she didn't pick up. So he waited. She would have to come out eventually.

He was tempted to go in and carry her out of that club, but he couldn't bring himself to it. She would hate him forever if that happened. He wished he had the courage to do it. Carry her out, kicking and screaming, holding her until she calmed down and talked to him. He would hold her as she cried and he would whisper words into her ear that would hopefully calm her down. He would help her sober up. But if only he walked into the club that night.

He stayed outside waiting all night. It was when the sun had fully rose that she stumbled out of the club with her 'friends' and she saw him leaning against her car. He had dark circles under his eyes, but he didn't care. Her words may have been malicious, but she talked to him. He thought he could get through to her, but she put on this facade in front of those drugged out people, and he finally gave up.

It was when he sat in his apartment the next day, after she murdered 2 men to save him, that he knew she would be back. He couldn't get the image out of his head. After she had shot Keyes, she looked him in the eye before leaving out that door. It was that vacant look in her eye that sent chills up and down his spine. She felt no remorse for what she did and he was kind of glad, because that is something the old Erin would have done.

/

While everyone was at Molly's after a long day, Erin and Hank were at the district. Unbeknownst to everyone, that she just got her job back. When she went to pick up her clothes, she let Hank know that she wanted to see Jay. So he drove her to the hospital and waited for her outside.

She hesitated to walk into his room, would he even forgive her? She could hear the beeping of machines in his room, signalling that he was alive. It calmed her a little. She tried to walk through the curtains quietly, just in case he was asleep, but he felt her presence and his eyes shot open.

"Sorry… I didn't realize you were sleeping…"

"I wasn't…" His voice was hoarse and raspy, he was exhausted. She saw him trying to sit up and it felt like she had been stabbed in the heart as he grimaced in pain.

"Jay, don't."

"I'm fine Er-"

"No! You're not fine. Take a fucking look at yourself will you?!"

"Erin-."

"Why are you so calm about this? Why don't you hate me right now? Why aren't you yelling at me for leaving you alone?"

"Um, for the best interest of the rest of our patients, could I ask for you two to keep it down a bit?" Jay's nurse had walked in when she heard Erin's anger.

"I'm sorry." Erin had dismissed the nurse.

"Erin, I don't need to yell at you. I'm not mad." She didn't understand how he was so calm, but it just angered her even more. She knew she was in need of a fix to calm herself down.

"Look at yourself. Look at where we are. You can barely sit up in bed and your eye is looking even worse than before." She watched his eyes travel down to her waistband and land on her badge that shined in the light of the hospital. He raised a questioning eyebrow at her.

"That's not important right now."

"What do you mean? You're back?!" He tried his best to hide his excitement and with all the pain he was going through, that wasn't an issue. She sighed, and he could feel how annoyed she was.

"Why aren't you mad?" Her voice sounded broken and he could hear the emotion in it. All her life she grew up with blame being placed on her. Whether it was her Dad or her Mom, but she became accustomed to that feeling. She wanted to have that familiar feeling from him too, but he wouldn't allow for that to happen.

"C'mere." He slowly tapped the bed next to him.

She hesitated, but she came and sat next to him, looking into his ocean blue eyes. They seemed to look more green today. She reached out and gently stroked her thumb against the bruise around his eye. He felt warm, a welcoming feeling. But he flinched, and it sent fear radiating through her. For all she knew, she had done this to him.

"Hey… I'm okay." He tried to reassure her but he could tell it didn't work. He watched her survey his face and her eyes always seemed to focus on two points: his bruised eye and his lips.

Before he could react otherwise, he was kissing her back. He brought his hand up to her face, caressing her cheek. He could feel her crying, so he wiped those tears with the pad of his thumb.

When she pulled away, he missed her taste. She excused herself telling him Hank was waiting on her and he was left alone by her once again.

She came to his apartment the next day. Hank had dropped her off. He was surprised at his leniency, allowing her out of his sight and especially leaving her alone with him.

"Hey Lindsay! Are you staying long? I got to get to the ED."

"Yeah, I'll be here for a few hours."

"Keep an eye on him for me, just make sure he doesn't walk around too much. He's still in a lot of pain."

Her eyes travelled to the top of his head that she could see on top of the couch. He wasn't looking at them, but she knew he was listening. She locked the door after Will had left before going around the couch, sitting as far away as she could.

They stared each other down, no one saying a word. There was still dried blood on his face and she knew it would still be covering his body.

"Did you shower?"

"No, I can barely stand." His voice was quiet, just above a whisper.

"You have a seat in your shower. Let's go." He raised his brows at her teasingly.

"It's not like that, just a friend helping out a friend."

"Mhmm."

She helped him off the couch and every time he groaned her heart dropped a bit. He kept reassuring her but she knew he was trying to help her feel better.

When they reached his bathroom, she sat him down on top of the toilet seat and started to undress him. He wore a zip up hoodie and sweats. When she took his hoodie off, she felt the bile in her throat. He was definitely going to have scars. She could see where he was tortured with the taser and where he had been punched. It made her head spin.

Once he was naked, she laid a towel over his waist, giving him some privacy while she got the water running hot. When she was satisfied with the temperature, she helped him sit down in his shower. She took the hand-held shower head and allowed the water to spray over his body. She could see him relax as the water sprayed his tense muscles. She scrubbed his hair with his shampoo and before she carefully scrubbed his body, allowing the water to wash off the dried blood. He would wince in pain when she hit a sensitive spot which would make her heart skip a beat. She was hurting him again.

After they were done, she turned the water off and carefully dried his body off. Getting him dressed was a hassle. He could barely pick up his legs to get his boxers and sweats on. She had to pull the waistband of each up around him. She decided he could forego a t-shirt for a couple of days. She led him back to the couch and wrapped him up in a blanket to keep him warm.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Just lay here with me." She was surprised at his answer, but she obliged. She was careful, making sure not to put any weight on him. He reached his hand out from under the blanket and rubbed her leg.

She doesn't know how long they sit in silence watching TV before she starts to see him dozing off. He looked fairly uncomfortable in the position he was in and before she could stop herself, she put a cushion in her lap and laid his head onto it. She readjusted the blanket around his body so it covers him entirely. Her hand finds his hair as she gently massges his scalp, knowing it brings him comfort. Soon she is asleep too.

Erin couldn't help but reminisce about that day. That day changed her entire life. That day is what led her to have a child with her most favourite person in the world. But he wasn't here now.

It has been a little over 2 months since Jay begun his undercover op. She didn't hear too much from him, and she only got to see him about 4 times in the last 8 or so weeks. He seemed to be very tired and the circles under his eyes seemed to have darkened and gotten deeper. He had gained significant muscle mass, she knew he was taking his stress out on his body at the gym.

As Elizabeth got bigger, she seemed to look smaller in his arms. She still recognized her father at their few meetings. She would squeal and smile when she saw him approaching them. Jay would have tears in his eyes as he interacted with his 6 month old daughter. He tried his best to divide his time between Erin and her, but she always wanted his attention when he came around.

Erin sat up in bed, not being able to sleep that night. She watched Elizabeth sleep in the crib in the corner of the master bedroom. Ever since Jay had left, she felt like she needed her around. It was her soft snores and her blue eyes that reminded her of Jay. It brought her solace. She looked around the dark room that was somewhat illuminated with the streetlights. Her bed was covered in pillows. She had hoped that surrounding herself with pillows would give her the illusion of having him there. But it didn't work. No matter how hard she squeezed the pillows to her chest or in between her legs, she still didn't have him. She didn't have the feel of the dips on his muscles or the smell of his body wash and cologne. It had been 2 months, and it seemed like he was slowly fading away from their apartment.

Anytime her phone would ring, her heart would drop. There was a 50% chance that one day she could be getting a call to identify his body. It was the other 50% that kept her sane. Knowing that one day, she could possibly get that phone call from him that he was coming home. That he was currently getting debriefed.

The last 6 months had been tough on her. First the baby, and then Jay leaving. She tried her best to push her postpartum depression away, but some nights she had to let it all go. She would cry to no avail. She was stressed, she couldn't sleep, and she was slowly losing her appetite.

Members of the unit would come over almost every night to cheer her up, but it didn't seem to work. Even that one night Ruzek came to babysit while Erin went grocery shopping and she came back to seeing one of Jay's shirts wrapping around Elizabeth's waist. He couldn't find any of the diapers so he had to improvise. His words, not hers. She cracked a small smile, but that was it. He couldn't have the full effect her soon-to-be husband had on her.

Erin decided she would lie back in bed, and try to get some sleep. She needed to be strong for her daughter. Her eyelids seemed to get heavy, and she soon succumbed to sleep, unaware that Hank was calling her on her phone she had silenced before she put Elizabeth to bed.

/

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