Author's Note: I am so, so sorry for not updating for so long! The hard drive on my computer crashed and none of my text files could be recovered, so I had to re-write this chapter, as well as the next chapters for my other fic, Storm and Strife, completely from scratch. On the bright side, it did give me another three weeks to think about where I wanted to take both stories, so that's always good.

For those of you who've stuck with this story despite my horrid track record of updating, thank you so much. To our newcomers: Welcome, and to everyone: Enjoy! -PM

Chapter Twenty-Five

Severus couldn't look Lily or Dr. Hearn in the face. How could he have been so stupid? Taking drugs from a total stranger? What am I, a teenager? He was mortified at his own behavior, and even more so at knowing that he'd brought the parade of doctors and different analyses on himself.

"Addict."

"Suicidal."

"Paranoid schizophrenic."

"Should stay here a week for further analysis."

"It's like they think no one ever goes off the deep end at least once in their life," Lily said on the third, and final, day of Severus's suicide watch and after the last doctor left the room.

"Most don't," Severus pointed out. "At least, not the way I did. Thanks for bringing the clothes."

"No problem."

He looked down at his long-sleeved black tee shirt, pretending to pick some lint off it. Bringing him street clothes so he wouldn't have to wear that ridiculous paper gown was no problem, Lily said, and at this point it was the only thing having to do with him that wasn't.

Dr. Hearn entered the room. "Well, Severus, I think I might have saved you from two weeks on a Thorazine drip. Feel free to thank me whenever the urge strikes you."

"Much obliged."

"Severus, darling. If you thank me any more enthusiastically I might think you're being sincere. Wouldn't want that, now, would we?" When he didn't reply, she poked her head out into the hallway quickly and closed the door behind her. "Listen closely, both of you. I have a treatment idea that I've been developing with St. Mungo's for the last ten years."

"Why didn't you tell us about it before?" Lily asked, her green eyes flashing.

"Because it's strictly a last-resort, desperate-times treatment," Dr. Hearn said. "It will require Severus to allow himself to be put under for two days, through a combination of potions and spells." She turned her attention to him. "During this time, you'll have to face every one of the issues that have been troubling you. They might have come up during the therapy sessions in the last few months, they might not. In any case, you're not going to have a choice; the only way to get through this is to deal with them. You'll be in a stage between wakefulness and sleep; a twilight zone, if you will. And if you choose to go through with this, understand that this is the only time you will be able to choose this treatment option. Should your depression relapse, you'll have to go through therapy again."

Severus blinked. "Run that by me again?"

"Basically, you take this potion -which is still in the experimental stage, you understand- which will put you in something of a twilight sleep. While you're in this state, you'll confront your demons, literally. Myself and a Healer will be with you at all times; we'll be able to communicate with you, and you with us. However, you can't be brought out of this state for forty-eight hours after it starts. If all goes according to plan, you shouldn't have another depressive episode again for the rest of your life."

"How much success have you had using it in the past?" Lily asked.

"Ninety-eight percent."

"And if I don't choose this option?" Severus was sure he knew the answer.

"You go into residential treatment." Dr. Hearn looked confident that her idea was best.

Severus met Lily's eyes. Behind them, he saw doubt and unease, as well as a spark of hope.

"I think we should go home and discuss it," Lily said.

"I agree," Dr. Hearn nodded. "I'm going to sign the discharge slip. You should be okay to leave in an hour or so. Let me know by the end of the week."

XXX

"It sounds dangerous, Sev." Lily sat down next to him and stretched her legs out in front of her. They had just finished supper and were sitting in the back yard, watching the sun set.

"It does, but it's not like I have any other options," he said, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket.

"Not while I'm pregnant!" Lily hissed. "It's bad for the baby!"

"I thought you didn't want to keep it," Severus said, but he put the pack away unopened.

"If you want the truth... I'm not sure." She looked down at the grass. "Sometimes I think I do, others I can't stand the idea. I just want what's best for all of us, you know?"

"We've got a bit of time left to decide that," Severus said gently.

"Just in case," Lily looked back up at him, smiling slightly. "What do you think, Sev?"

"I think you're seriously over-estimating my paternal instincts. About as much as my mother did my sorry excuse for a father."

Lily spread her arms to the night. "So self-congratulatory, Sev. How can a girl deal with such a massive ego?" She dropped her arms and said, in a more serious tone, "You'll be a much better dad than yours, I know it. You just need some time to get used to the idea."

"You didn't see him at his worst," Severus said quietly.

"No," Lily agreed. "But I heard him a couple of times, when I'd come up the street. I can only imagine what it looked like. But Sev, give yourself some credit. When did your father ever admit that he needed help? And when did he make the effort you have?"

She had him there. Tobias would never have lowered himself to seeing a "head-shrinker", and Severus knew it better than Lily. "And he wouldn't have accepted this treatment, either."

Lily bit her lip. "Look, Sev, I know therapy isn't pleasant or easy, but she said this treatment was in development. Who knows what could go wrong? And what if it's just Azkaban all over?" She moved closer to him and laid her head on his shoulder. "I lost you once; don't ask me to accept that I might have to lose you again."

He sighed. "I know you don't want a repeat of Azkaban. I don't, either. But on the other hand, we can't keep living like this. I can't keep living with it." He looked around at her. "If you want what's best for all three of us-" he nodded at her abdomen "-then consider what I have to do to make it possible. And she said 'residential treatment', remember? Not going back to therapy sessions with her."

"Not immediately. But residential couldn't be that bad-"

"Lily, how am I going to explain any of this to a Muggle doctor?" He stood and began pacing. "How am I going to tell them that I was tortured with the Cruciatus Curse, a creature nearly sucked out my soul, I used to serve the most evil wizard of all time, I turned spy for one of the greatest, and a prophecy I was stupid enough to tell the Dark Lord led to your husband and son being killed? That's why she doesn't want me in residential treatment. I know you don't like Dr. Hearn's idea, and I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to understand, if I'm going to get over this, I have to take this chance." He paused. "If I don't want to turn out like my father. If it's too late and you have the baby."

Silence. Then Lily said, "You're right, Sev. I still don't like the sound of this treatment. But if you think it's the best option, I'm standing by you for all of it."

Severus smiled. "So that's settled. Now, about the baby..."

They discussed the matter for two days, right after Severus had told Dr. Hearn that he wanted to go through with the treatment. Lily's main concern was the fact that she was once again hiding from Lord Voldemort and didn't want to put another one of her children in his path; for Severus, it was his assurance that he was not only too young, at twenty-two, to be a father, but also wouldn't be able to not turn out like Tobias.

"Sev, you are not going to turn out like him!" Lily said in exasperation on the second day. "And if you're worried you will, why not keep seeing Dr. Hearn after the treatment, just to make sure you've got those issues worked through?"

"Provided we decide to keep it," he countered.

"If we do," Lily amended. "But I'd like to see you do it, just so you don't worry yourself into a frenzy."

"All right," he said. "If we keep it, I will."

The other pressing worry on Severus's mind, and he didn't dare say it out loud, was that having children had never been a part of his plan, even before he'd joined the Death Eaters. Though he had to admit, having children with Lily made the idea more appealing. But that had its own problem: He couldn't stand the idea of her in pain, even briefly. Lucius Malfoy had told him all about when his son, Draco, was born, and what Narcissa had gone through. Severus shuddered at the memory.

Finally, Lily decided that she didn't want to bring another child into the world as long as it would be in Voldemort's path, and Severus snuck, heavily disguised, into Knockturn Alley to buy the book he knew had the potion they needed.

"So it needs to brew for five days," he said after looking at the instructions. "I can start it tonight, and then you can keep an eye on it while I'm gone."

"Five days?" Lily bit her lip. "I don't know if I have that much time... But it's our best plan, so full steam ahead."

Finally, the day of the treatment came. Severus and Lily performed a Side-Along Apparation to the medical office where Dr. Hearn and Healer Jason Pyle would be monitoring him for the next two days.

Lily looked at the building, then back to Severus. His face was tense and slightly paler than usual. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?"

"Yes," he said firmly. "I need to do this by myself. Besides, someone needs to watch that potion, remember?"

Lily nodded, then stood on her toes to kiss him and walked away quickly. She knew he hated drawn-out farewells, and in this case it would have made it harder on him.

Severus straightened his back and walked into the building, looking neither left nor right. Dr. Hearn and Healer Pyle were waiting for him in the lobby, and as they rode up the elevator to the room, Dr. Hearn briefed Severus on all of the safety procedures.

"There are going to be straps on the bed, just in case you need to be restrained. Normally, when you're asleep your body is semi-paralyzed; not so with this potion. You won't be able to get up and walk around, but you'll be able to kick and hit." She paused as the elevator doors opened and the three of them walked to a room at the end of a long, narrow corridor.

"The Presidential suite," Pyle said grimly as he opened a door.

Severus could see what he meant: The room was more spartan than his old quarters at Hogwarts, boasting only a bed, two chairs, and an IV stand.

"Put the IV in his right hand, please, Jason," Dr. Hearn said. "Severus, I need you to sign these forms..." She held a clipboard out to him, and Severus, wincing slightly as Pyle inserted the IV, read through and signed the papers.

"Excellent," Dr. Hearn said. "Lie down and get ready for the most hellish two days you've ever had."