Dwalin watched in shock as Kíli dissolved before him, guilt flooding his veins. He had meant to make Kíli feel remorse, but not to reduce him to this. Then, as suddenly as he had sunk to the ground, Kíli was on his feet. He glanced around him with wild eyes for a moment and then he was running. It took Dwalin a second to realize that Kíli was running away from camp but once he did he, too, was in motion as he attempted to run down his twice wounded cousin.

Kíli felt a sob rise up his throat as he heard Dwalin crashing through the underbrush behind him. Couldn't Dwalin see that he needed to leave? Fighting back his sobs, he tried desperately to find a bit more speed. He knew that, with his longer legs, Dwalin would catch him easily if this remained a sprint but if he could turn it into a foot race, well, then he stood a chance of escape. It had always been that way. Kíli's slimmer build gave him the advantage in distance and endurance. If he could outdistance Fíli in the first few moments he could win, if not ... well, Fíli had always been stronger and faster in short distances but if Kíli could evade him long enough, Fíli would tire and he would win. He only hoped that Dwalin would be the same.

It was a brilliant plan and would have worked beautifully save for one fact: Kíli's injuries. Try as he might, he was unable to coax speed from himself and only managed to run a short distance before Dwalin tackled him to the ground, twisting them in the air so that his own body took the brunt of the fall as he had when Kíli was small. Despite having the air forced from his lungs when they hit, Dwalin held firm as Kíli writhed against him. It was clear that he was desperate to be free but for the life of him Dwalin could not understand why, and to be truthful, neither could Kíli. He didn't know why he needed to flee only that it was imperative that he do so. As soon as h realized that Dwalin was not going to free him, he felt rage coil within him once more, this time directed at his cousin.

"Let me go!" Kíli snarled continuing to writhe in Dwalin's hold despite the pain the friction it created caused him. "Damn it, Dwalin, let me go!"

"No," the older dwarf replied stubbornly, grunting as one of Kíli's elbows managed to burry itself in his side. "You're not going anywhere. Not until you've calmed enough that you won't do anything foolish. Thorin and Dís'd have my head if I let you get yourself killed."

"They wouldn't care!" Kíli snapped redoubling his efforts to be free despite the blood he could feel beginning to trickle down his back. He even went as far as attempting to bite his cousin in hopes of being released.

"They'd care," Dwalin promised, moving his arm down Kíli's chest so that it was out of reach of his teeth. "And don't bite. That's not fair, lad."

"After what I've done they shouldn't care!" Kíli retorted. "And I thought you once told me that anything was fair in a fight." Dwalin chose not to dignify that last statement with a reply. He had told Kíli that, but he had prefaced it by saying that all was fair in a fight for your life. This was not that situation and it pained him that Kíli would think it necessary to be free at any cost.

"Rubbish!" Dwalin snapped, allowing his pain at Kíli's actions and foolish beliefs to feed into his words and lend them authority, along with giving his cousin a sharp squeeze to punctuate his opinion on the matter. "Did you not listen to a single word I said or did it just fail to penetrate your foolish skull?! They. Love. You, you idiotic dwarfling. They're not going to stop loving you just because you made a few mistakes."

"And Fíli?" Kíli demanded, his tone and continual writhing revealing his unconvinced state.

"He's pissed, and rightly so," Dwalin replied. "But he still loves you." For half a second Kíli stilled and Dwalin breathed a sigh of relief, but then Kíli was once more struggling to be free like a thing possessed. "Kíli, stop that! I'm not lettin' go, lad. You're only going to hurt yourself. I don't want to hurt you!"

"Then let me go!" Kíli yelled before he shifted tactics and instead of yelling tried to plead with his cousin for release. "Please, Dwalin, please let me go. I just . . . I can't . . . please let me go." Suddenly Kíli's mind was filled with another voice, that of his brother the day before.

"No," Fíli sobbed. "Please, please just go away. I-I-I can't . . . I can't do this right now, Kíli. Please leave me alone."

At the memory, a sob rose up Kíli's throat at the desperate look that had been in Fíli's eyes at the time. The way his hands had shook and his lip trembled as he tried to control himself. Only now did Kíli truly realize just how desperate his brother had been to be alone. Now he understood why Fíli had lashed out the way he had. It wasn't what Kíli had said. Not really. No, he had felt trapped. Kíli had backed him into a corner and he had reacted. He remembered the shock and horror in Fíli's eyes as he had looked from Kíli's bleeding face to the knife in his hand and the quaver in his voice as he had spoken: "I didn't mean to," he had said "I swear it. I would never—"; "It wasn't anger," he had promised, begging Kíli to understand. "It was panic. Kíli, I'm so sorry. I—"

But Kíli hadn't understood. He had never experienced such a blind need to flee before and had been unable to understand. Now he did. Now he understood that he had trapped his brother, just the same as Dwalin was trapping him now, and when Fíli had lashed out to be free—as Kíli had a bit ago—he had been punished for it. It was his fault that his brother had been punished. Not Thorin's, not truly even Fíli's. It was his. He felt all the fight drain out of him and his limbs go limp as he realized how much he had almost cost his brother through his own stupidity. He was worthless.

Even when Kíli stilled once more, Dwalin kept a tight grip on him, thinking it to be a ruse. It was only when the young dwarf went completely limp in his arms that he realized that Kíli truly had give up this ridiculous notion of running away.

"Kíli?" Dwalin asked nudging the limp dwarfling in his arms, fearful of letting him go even now. Kíli gave no reply and only his continued breathing revealed that he still lived.

"Kíli, get up, lad," Dwalin tried again, striving to be both gentle and firm at the same time. "It's time we get back to the others. I carried you out of camp and have no intention of hauling you back as well."

"Then leave me here," Kíli muttered in response. "I don't deserve to go back." Dwalin's heart broke at the desolation in the young heir's voice. Kíli truly believed that, just as Thorin had. Perhaps Kíli developed more than just Thorin's temper after all, Dwalin thought with a sigh as he wished yet again that Kíli had picked something other than his uncle's negativity as a second trait to emulate. He also wondered at the fact that he had never seen the similarities between them before.

"And what would you do if I did, hm?" Dwalin asked, trying to keep the pain of his new realizations to himself. "You're in no condition to hunt even if you did have your bow. You've never been good at foraging, not that I blame you. All you get that way is nuts, berries and greens, but that's beside the point. And, in case you've forgotten, we're being trailed by an orc pack. No offence, lad, but just what do you think you'll do if they find you alone?" Kíli said nothing in response and his silence spoke volumes. Dwalin knew that Kíli knew what fate would await him at their hands and he also knew that Kíli didn't care. Kíli wanted to die.

With a deep sigh, Dwalin bodily shifted Kíli so that he was more cradled than sprawled. He hated to do it and risk aggravating the wounds that he knew Kíli had to have reopened in his struggles but he felt that he needed to be able to see Kíli's face and gage his response to what was about to be said. Even so, it broke his heart to see just how listless Kíli truly was, seeming to lack the energy to even hold his own head up, instead allowing it to lull onto Dwalin's shoulder pathetically.

Dwalin gently gasped Kíli's chin in his right hand with a sigh and tipped the heir's face up towards him. Kíli met his eyes, the usually bright brown orbs dull and shallow. Dwalin flinched slightly at the lack of life in Kíli but quickly schooled his features.

"That wasn't a rhetorical question, lad," Dwalin said sternly. "I'm not my brother. If I take the time to ask a question I want an answer. Now, tell me, what would you do if the orcs found you alone?" Kíli blinked at him a couple of times before he spoke, his voice so quiet that the words were almost lost.

"I'd die," Kíli replied in a no-nonsense tone that was more painful for the lack of passion in it.

"Painfully, Kíli," Dwalin said gently, unable to stop the pain from showing on his face at the thought. He was only more worried when Kíli showed no reaction to his addition. "You would eventually die in a very painful manner. You . . . you haven't ever seen what orcs do to dwarves, Kíli. It—" Dwalin paused to shudder at the memories of the corpses he had seen after the Battle of Azanulbizar.

"It . . . It's no way to die, Kíli," Dwalin finally managed to say. "Take the worst thing that you have ever heard that orcs do and multiply it tenfold. We . . . we never told you the half of it, lad. Orcs don't just kill they . . . once they're done with them . . . the bodies . . . they aren't recognizable, Kíli. And I don't just mean that you can't tell who they were; I've seen corpses , and soon-to-be-corpses, so mangled that I couldn't even tell what they used to be."

"And that was after a battle, Kíli," Dwalin continued. "A battle where they had to move on fairly quickly to keep from being killed themselves. If they captured you and had time . . . it's not a fate you would want, lad. Trust me. In fact, if we can't escape them or defeat them, I'll commit suicide before I allow them to take me." Even through his numbness Kíli felt shock at the statement. To commit suicide was the most ignoble thing that you could do. It barred you from the Halls of Mandos. No self-respecting dwarf committed suicide. But even the shock of his cousin's admission of plans to kill himself, Kíli could not break free of his pain.

"It can't hurt more than this," Kíli replied. "It can't hurt more than living with what I've done." He tried to look away from the haunted look in his cousin's dark eyes as he spoke, but Dwalin's hold on his jaw was inescapable.

"It can," Dwalin promised darkly. "At least you still know your own name." Kíli scoffed in response.

"Lot of good that does me," Kíli spat. "I am Kíli, son of Dís, betrayer of his own brother."

"You didn't betray your brother," Dwalin sighed exasperatedly.

"I didn't?" Kíli asked incredulously. "Then what do you call what I did?! I. Betrayed. Him, Dwalin. I betrayed him and I can't ever do anything to fix it."

Before Kíli could process what was happening, Dwalin was on his feet glaring down at Kíli, who had been unceremoniously dumped off the larger dwarf's lap when he moved. Dwalin stood there for a second before he began pacing and gesturing angrily while swearing vehemently—and fluently—in Khuzdul. Even through his pain and shame Kíli had to blush at some of the vile things that Dwalin was saying. Eventually he calmed a bit and rounded on Kíli once more.

"I'm done!" he shouted. "I am DONE! Do you hear me?! I am sick of having this conversation! I've had it with you; I've had it with Thorin and I'm not having it anymore! I'm DONE!"

"You've had it with Uncle?" Kíli asked in confusion, having missed the point entirely in his surprise that Dwalin had had the conversation they were now having with his uncle and wondering why they had had it.

"Multiple times!" Dwalin snarled. "First about Frerin and Thráin all those years ago. How your fool uncle got it into his head that it was his fault I will never know but Mahal himself could not change his mind now. Stubborn bastard. But you. You're not letting this eat you alive, Kíli. I won't watch it happen a second time. You. did. not. betray Fíli. Betrayal requires intent. There was no intent there, lad. Only the stupid, rash behavior of an idiotic dwarfling."

"I can't deny that, lad," Dwalin said more gently. "You behaved callously and foolishly. Stupidly even, but you did not betray him."

"He would disagree with you," Kíli whispered looking away from the intensity in his cousin's dark eyes. "He thinks I betrayed him. He hates me." In a rush Dwalin was there, gripping Kíli's arms and hauling the younger dwarf to his feet. His fingers dug painfully into the bruises that Fíli had left there the day before but Kíli said nothing knowing that it was less than he deserved.

"Now you listen to me, Kíli," Dwalin growled, his face inches from Kíli's. "Your brother does not hate you. I don't know that he has it in him to hate anyone, but even if he did it wouldn't be you. It could never be you. Don't look at me like that. I spoke to him after he woke after I knocked him unconscious yesterday. Even knowing that he was about to be punished for his actions his first question was about you. He didn't even care about what was going to happen to him, even as I sat right beside him sharpening a knife. All he wanted to know was if you were alright and if I thought the mark he left on you would scar. He couldn't hate you, Kíli. It would be easier for him if he could." As abruptly as he had been grabbed, Kíli found himself released and he toppled over at the suddenness of it as his cousin began pacing once more.

"You asked me if I'd seen Fíli lately and I have," Dwalin said his face twisted with emotion and anger coloring his words as he continued. "I was the one who held his arm and tried to comfort him when your uncle threatened to shave off his beard. I was the one who held him after his nightmares and wiped away his tears and soothed his fears. I was always the one he came to when . . ." he paused and shook his head angrily to clear it as he blew out a breath through his nose.

"You don't think I saw just as clearly as you did just how readily Fíli fell into Thorin's gestures of affection?" Dwalin demanded. "You don't think I care for your brother enough that if there was even a hint of insincerity in your uncle that I wouldn't say something? I am neither blind nor stupid, Kíli, despite what you seem to think. I know how you fear for Fíli. I know. But I also know that it is unnecessary this time. I assure you that Thorin is quite repentant. He will never treat your brother so callously again."

"Why?" Kíli demanded glaring up at his cousin.

"Why won't he?!" Dwalin scoffed. "Mahal, Kíli! Thorin's not heartless! You should know that better than anyone! He's always been warm towards you. He knows that he made a mistake. Thorin's many things but a fool is not one of them. Now that he knows he will never do it again. Thorin's got issues but he loves your brother, Kíli."

"You misunderstood my question," Kíli replied sadly. "I wasn't talking about Uncle. I meant you. If you see and know so much and care for Fíli so much why did you allow this to continue. I didn't know. I know that's not an excuse but . . . had I have . . . I would have at least tried to put a stop to it. Why didn't you?"

Dwalin sighed and ran a hand over his face. He had halfway hoped that Kíli would not ask him that. He knew that the young heir, neither of them, was not going to like the answer.

"Kíli," he sighed coming to kneel before the younger dwarf and taking his hand as he begged him to understand. "There is no good answer for this, lad. The simple one," he paused to give a dry, mirthless laugh, "the simplest answer is that it was your uncle. I know that to you he is just Thorin. He is just the dwarf that has loved you since you were born, raised you, bandaged your hurts. I know that you only see him as a parent." Kíli opened his mouth but Dwalin cut him off.

"I know that you are aware of his status among our people, but, Kíli, it's never really affected you," Dwalin said. "You are family. Even if you said or did things that were . . . inappropriate, the worst that you could expect would be a tanning. No doubt an unpleasant one, but you would survive it." Dwalin let out a snort of a laugh before he said, "Who am I kidding? I doubt Thorin ever raised a hand to you. You could probably get away with whatever you wanted to." Kíli looked away at the truth of the words. He couldn't ever remember his uncle punishing him. His mother had but never his uncle, and Thorin had never been around when Dís did, he always found somewhere else he urgently needed to be and only came back later once it was over.

"You're family too," Kíli argued, feeling that it was a weak explanation. "You said as much earlier."

"I'm not family in the same way you and Fíli are, lad," Dwalin replied. "I'm a distant cousin, not direct blood kin. I know that you don't truly see the difference but there is one."

"So you let him do it because you were afraid of him?" Kíli asked trying to understand.

"That's an oversimplification but yes," the older dwarf agreed. "Now, don't get me wrong, lad; Thorin's no despot. He is a just and fair ruler, I have no qualms with him about that. And it's not as if I never tried. More than once Balin and I tried to convince Thorin that Fíli would benefit from the same freedom that you were given, or even a tiny bit of praise but Thorin always shut off when we did. We . . . we didn't want to push him, Kíli. I know that it was not fair of us. It was not fair to Fíli but he . . . he never seemed to notice the difference. He never hinted that he knew there was a difference." Dwalin's breathing was beginning to become more heavy and Kíli could have sworn that he saw tears in his cousin's eyes.

"If I would have known," Dwalin cried, "If he would have just given a hint. If he would have said one word to me . . . I would have confronted Thorin, consequences be damned. As it was . . . we made a choice, Kíli. I can't justify it. I can't explain it in a way that will satisfy you because it was the wrong decision but it was the only one that we could make."

"We needed Thorin, lad," Dwalin said. "We couldn't afford to have him shut us all out. And that's what would have happened. It nearly did one day. I tried to make him see what he had done by bringing up Frerin and Thorin . . . he . . . he shut off, Kíli. He froze. His eyes were completely blank and he only snapped out of it when I fetched Dís and had her fix it. Thorin was traumatized by the death of his brother, Kíli. Deeper than any of us know. He's never recovered, not really, but that doesn't absolve us of what we did. We betrayed Fíli, not you. We were the ones that made the conscious decision to keep Thorin sane at your brother's expense."

"We didn't know what kind of damage we had done until yesterday," Dwalin promised. "You have to believe me, lad. I love your brother like he was my own. You have no idea how it hurt me to have no choice but to sit back and watch as Fíli struggled under the pressures that Thorin put on him even if he didn't seem to suffer from them. I wanted to help him. I did everything that I could without openly defying your uncle. I only wish I had done more. I should have done more. I failed him." With those last words, he bowed his head and placed it on Kíli's hand in his grasp, waiting for what Kíli would say in response.

Seeing someone as proud as Dwalin kneeling before him, pleading for understanding and forgiveness made Kíli's stomach twist uncomfortably. It seemed wrong that someone he had such respect for would beg him for anything. What almost made him feel worse was the realization that he couldn't give Dwalin what he wanted; the forgiveness he craved wasn't Kíli's to give, nor was anger for the actions his to hold.

"I'm sorry, Dwalin," Kíli whispered. "I . . . I can't forgive you." Dwalin nodded, he had expected no less. Forgiveness wasn't in Thorin's nature; with all the similarities they shared, it made sense that it wasn't in Kíli's either.

"It's alright, lad," Dwalin replied, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I didn't expect you to."

"I-I would if I could," Kíli offered with a sad smile. "It-It's just that . . . it's not mine to give. Just as vengeance isn't mine to take. If you really want forgiveness, you need to tell Fíli what you just told me. But . . . please, don't do it yet. I . . . I know it's not right of me to ask you to delay your quest for forgiveness but . . . don't do it." Kíli paused trying to regain control of himself. He refused to cry. He was done crying.

"Fíli . . . just . . . let him be happy for a bit, please?" Kíli asked. "I know that I . . . I can't ask this of you but . . . please? This . . . it'll destroy him to know that all of you allowed this. I . . . just let him have this little bit of peace, for me?" Dwalin had to smile at the change that had come over the youngest heir in the span of a few minutes. Maybe there was hope for Kíli yet. He was at least beginning to think of others. That was a good place to start.

"I can do that, lad," Dwalin replied. "I've waited this long, I can stand to wait a bit longer. Do you think you're ready to head back now?" Kíli nodded, offering the older dwarf a small smile.

"I think I am," Kíli said rising slowly to his feet with a grimace. He was truly beginning to feel the results of his writhing and regretted it both because he was ashamed of his actions and because he had injured himself in the process.

"Are you alright, lad," Dwalin asked, concern wrinkling his brow as he watched Kíli move gingerly. Kíli swallowed and tried to mask his pain behind a smile as he nodded.

"I'm fine," Kíli panted. "Let's head back." Dwalin nodded. He could tell that Kíli was lying to him, but he did not confront him on it. If he wanted to be in pain that was his own affair. Lad's as stubborn as Thorin too, Dwalin thought with a smirk. This was at least one trait that was admirable when it was directed in the right way. Ignoring pain could be a very useful skill.

They were nearly back when Kíli stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm. Dwalin looked at him with a raised eyebrow and Kíli swallowed before he spoke. "Do . . . do you think Fíli will be alright?" Kíli asked, sounding much younger than he was once again. "I mean . . . you said that Uncle is traumatized from one brutal day . . . will Fíli . . . will he . . ."

"I don't know, Kíli," Dwalin replied. "No one can know for sure." Kíli's face fell at his honesty and Dwalin tapped the side of his face to get his attention. "But, Kíli, there's always hope, lad. No one's dead this time. It's not a lost cause."

"Where there's life there's hope," Kíli whispered, echoing Dís' favorite statement as they were growing up.

"Aye, lad," Dwalin whispered. "Where there's life there's hope. And there's still life here. Let's try to keep it that way." Kíli offered him a sad smile as they walked back to the fire, Kíli hoping that someone had thought to save them some of the food that he could smell wafting back to them.

ooOO88OOoo

There we are all, a new chapter :) Hopefully it was worth the wait :) Iwill try to get one out next week but ... it looks insane so we'll have to see.

As always, thank you to those of you who took the time to leave me a review! I don't say this enough but ... you all rock!

Allister: Not a problem at all! You took the time to leave me a review, the least I can do is reply to it, right? And I am glad that I could take at least one worry from you :) And yep... they have communication issues. Poor dears :( And thank you so much! I am glad that you are enjoying the all the details and little intricacies for each of them :) I hope that this new chapter was worth the wait!

And that's all for now folks, as always, I would love to know what you thought

Stickdonkeys