Chapter 25: Melancholy Confessions

One day later

Yuko Himura and Yuuki Nagato were sitting alone together next to a little round pond that was located not far from the HQ building. The slender girl with the deep ruby eyes and pillbox hat remained silent as she watched a flock of golden geese paddle through the water. The tall man also watched in silence as the sun sparkled behind the geeses' rippling wakes.

Sitting side by side, they remained in that state of quietude for several minutes.

Finally she spoke. "Lindy and Skuld were quite resourceful. It seems that we were not actually needed to rescue Lindy from Sena.

The gentle giant said softly, "No, we were not."

They continued to watch the paddling geese in silence. A mother goose started to honk in protest as a gander got too close to her retinue of little goslings. They continued to watch as the sun glinted off their golden plumage.

More minutes went by.

Then she spoke again. "Neither of us belong here."

They had spent their entire lives on Earth. It was their home, but now it was locked away from them.

They were exiles.

80 years ago, Skuld had appointed Yuko Amamiya as the first L1 to manage the restart of the Goddess Help Line. A few days later Yu Himura, a senior majoring in Architecture, had picked up the phone in his dorm room at the Nekomi Institute of Technology and had inadvertently called the Goddess Help Line in almost exactly the same way that Keiichi Morisato had done four years prior.* And so Yuko had miraculously appeared before him, the one person she had loved with all her heart, who had loved him ever since they were both small children growing up in an orphanage together. They had become permanently separated by adoption to different parents. Eventually, at age 16, they met and fell in love all over again. But shortly afterwards her life had suddenly ended in a terrible tragedy that Himura could not prevent despite all his efforts.

Four years after that tragedy, Skuld programmed the Yggdrasil Mark II supercomputer to choose the best candidate to run the Helpline. The winning candidate would be elevated to first-class angel status. She instructed the supercomputer to select six recently-deceased mortals who fit the parameters that Skuld had requested: selfless, innocent, caring, and with a deep understanding of sorrow as well as joy.

Skuld and Keiichi looked over the list. Based on Yuko Amamiya's tragic history and resiliency in the face of terrible suffering, and who, in spite of such grave injustices had subsequently guided, helped, and rescued so many others from their own afflictions - such as when she saved a little girl from a suicidal mother - they agreed that Amamiya was by far the best choice.

And so four years later, at age 20, Yu Himura dropped the telephone and marveled in complete amazement at the person he saw standing right in front of him: Yuko had come back, fully alive, fully real. And as an angel to boot.

And so, while standing in his dorm room on the Nekomi campus, Himura made his wish: that she would stay with him for the rest of his life. And she immediately granted his wish with great joy. Eventually she married him and became Yuko Himura. They spent a long and happy lifetime together. They even had children, though none possessed any of the special powers that were granted to her in Heaven.

Previously, in her briefing for her new role on the Goddess Help Line, Skuld had carefully instructed Amamiya to not grant any wish that would commit her to any sort of long-term action or obligation. Skuld had cited Keiichi's original wish to Belldandy as an example of the kind of foolish wish that Amamiya was explicitly prohibited from granting to anyone. But Yuko had disregarded Skuld's instructions and had granted Yu's wish anyway. Their both having human DNA meant that the Judgement Gate technically did not apply, but that was no excuse. And so, as punishment for her disobedience, Skuld had exiled her to live on Earth indefinitely with all her powers withdrawn.

Yuko did not mind her punishment, her exile. In fact she relished it.

She had finally lost her husband due to old age. They had lived together in wedded bliss for almost 60 years before he finally passed on. She knew that some of their grand-children and great-grandchildren had survived the Tribulation and were now living in the new millennium. She longed to return home to Earth to see them again someday.

She turned and asked the gentle giant that was sitting next to her, "You lost a mortal that was dear to you too, did you not? Someone you loved?" She suspected that he had suffered something similar to her own loss, though he never spoke of it.

He was silent for a moment as he remembered his own past. His own loss.

Then he finally spoke, "Yes, I did. I was her guardian angel. I watched over her when she was an infant, then as a child, then as a high-school student. I protected her and guided her. And yes, I loved her."

"What happened?"

"A tragedy. Her world had ended. Her entire universe. It was as if neither had ever existed." He looked down. "And so I will never see her again."

His face remained impassive. Then he looked up again at her companion. "You were originally mortal yourself, were you not?"

Her face looked sad and wistful. "Yes, I was."

"Then I am very sorry for you. Your choice must have been very difficult. You have my condolences and my sympathy." He said that because he understood the high price that Yuko had paid to become an angel. Her loss had hit her especially hard, much harder than the sadness that Nagato felt for his own loss of his beloved Joanne**. Yuko had knowingly given up the chance to be with Yu in the afterlife. It was because humans were oddly blessed: They could go to the True Heaven and see their loved ones again. But angels like himself and Yuko did not have that privilege. There was no afterlife for beings that were already in Heaven. The rare exception was if they were somehow promoted, but few Asgardian angels had that honor. And almost all of them hit a glass ceiling at level 16. And as far as Nagato knew the highest level that any promoted Asgardian angel had ever achieved was level 38.

But humans could go higher. Much, much, higher.

By becoming an angel and granting Yu's wish, Yuko had forsaken her chance to eventually join up with her love again. It was a heavy price to pay, and so she had tried to make him as happy as she possibly could during their brief time together on Earth. Eventually she had watched him grow old while she remained forever young. Neither of them ever regretted the decision, even though they both knew full well the consequences of their mutual choice and had fully accepted it.

The tall man stood up, then turned to face her. He said in a quiet voice, "Himura-san, we should go report to the HQ to receive our new assignments."

She sighed, "Yes. As lovely as this place is, it is time that we resumed our duties." She stood as well.

"I was originally assigned to an alternate universe. I expect I will be assigned to another one. Perhaps you will as well?"

She nodded, "Now that Earth is quarantined, I think it is quite likely."

Nagato looked at the who girl had suffered so much and yet had helped so many. She was still very young, only 100 years old. He, however, was an old soul, with a reservoir of wisdom that he had slowly gathered over millennia. He never told her his true age. He wondered if perhaps he had lived too long.

"Well, then it is possible that you and I might be assigned to the same universe this time."

"Yes, that would be nice." She gave him a small smile.

He returned the centenarian's smile with a small one of his own. She was barely an adolescent in his eyes. He wondered if perhaps she might become another one that he would protect - someone like his beloved Joanne, who had dragged him along on so many wild adventures, and who surprised him so many times with her tenacity and determination against incredible odds. He felt this one might have such fortitude as well. Yes, he would continue on.

She added, "And please, call me Yuko."

"Yes, Yuko-san."

He held out his hand.

She took it.

They left together.

Six months later

It was four in the afternoon: tea-time. Lindy was sitting at an outdoor picnic table in front of the château. She was reading a parchment.

Sena walked up. She was holding a tea tray in front of her. "Your afternoon tea, mistress."

Lindy then said absent-mindedly, "Oh, thank you." She didn't look up.

Sena served the tea for her. Lindy continued to scan the document. Sena then turned to go back to the scullery to finish cleaning up from the luncheon that Lindy had hosted for the Demon Benevolent Society.

But then Sena hesitated.

Lindy finally looked up from the document that she was reading. "Yes?"

"I am sorry ma'am. But my session..?"

"In a little while. The usual time. Please go."

Sena bowed and left.

Lindy watched her servant leave. What bothered Lindy was that Sena's continued existence was a daily reminder of the terrible punishment that she had inflicted on the disgraced Valkyrie for her many crimes. Sena was guilty of inciting war and revolution and for the subsequent deaths that the red-headed Nietzschen philosopher had caused in her failed attempt to slay all the high-ranking gods and goddesses in order to take over the rule of Heaven as an absolute despot per the German philosopher's teachings. She had committed several capital crimes, and the Daitenkaicho was prepared to execute Sena as punishment.

But Lindy had intervened and plead for mercy. And even though Lindy's intervention had saved Sena's life, her feelings of guilt about it often resurfaced. It was the most harm that she had ever done to another sentient being.

When Skuld first heard Lindy's proposal she had real misgivings as well. Skuld was worried that Sena would be able to resist and eventually break free somehow. But after it was done she had to admit that Lindy was right: It was totally effective and unbreakable.

Sena was in a jail without walls. And she would never be able to escape from it.

Skuld had to agree with her husband; in some ways it was a punishment worse than death.

An hour later Lindy was inside the château. She was reading Halval's secret status report. The demon was on a long-term clandestine mission to the land of the Frost Giants. It was an elaborate subterfuge that was intended to eventually bring about reconciliation with Valhalla's greatest remaining enemy. Halval was pretending to offer to betray Valhalla to the Frost Giants, and the Frost King had bought the story hook, line, and sinker. What impressed Lindy is that the intricate yarn that the demon had spun for the King contained no actual outright lies.

The clock chimed six. Sena arrived exactly on time. She looked anxious. Lindy pointed to the couch without looking up. Sena lay down on the couch and closed her eyes.

Lindy got up and stood at the head of the couch. In some ways I am punishing myself for this. Every single day. She then lightly touched the temples of Sena's head with her fingers. There was a glow as energy flowed from Lindy's right finger directly into Sena's brain. It flowed back into her left finger on the other side.

Sena moaned with pleasure.

After 60 seconds it was done. Sena would then remain on the couch in pure bliss for the next two hours. Sena did not actually gain any energy this way - Lindy had simply sent the energy out through her right finger and reabsorbed it in her left.

But the effect was devastating. It was like a Niven tasp. Sena was now addicted to a drug that was far more powerful than any opioid, with withdrawal symptoms that - if she went without her treatment for more than a day - were too terrible to imagine.

And so Sena would be Lindy's willing slave, trapped in a mental jail of high-intensity endorphins, for the rest of her life.

Lindy looked at her charge.

Then she left the room.

She wanted to be alone.

Two years later

Lindy sat by herself on a green hill overlooking the lake.

She sensed someone walking up the hill behind her in silence. Without turning around she said, "Good morning, Halval. It is a beautiful day, isn't it?"

The Dark Lady approached and came alongside her. She knelt and carefully swept her flowing black robes to create a cushion, then she sat down. She said, "Yes, my mistress. It is a fine day, as you know full well."

Lindy continued to look out ahead. "And do you find that boring? That the weather here in Asgard is exactly the same every day? That it never changes?"

"Actually, I find it rather pleasant."

"But you can't see it."

Lindy glanced over at the blind woman. The scars that she saw on Halval's face would never go away, but they did not detract from her beauty except in the most superficial way. If anything, the faded scars made the natural born aristocrat appear even more dignified.

Halval's face looked up directly at the sun, her eyes unaffected by the intense glare. "True, I cannot. But I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face, I can hear the rustle of the leaves in the trees as they sigh, and I can hear the birds as they sing. I am glad to be able to experience all these things. I would miss them all greatly if they were suddenly taken away."

Lindy was thoughtful. "We often take for granted the things that are right in front of us. Until it is too late."

"Your words are wisdom. You remind me of your grandmother."

"Really? My namesake?" Lindy was referring to Skuld's adoptive mother.

"No, your other grandmother."

"Mariah?" She meant Takano, Keiichi's mother, the great wind elemental.

"Again, no. I mean your maternal grandmother. Your real one."

"Oh. Anzus." Lindy knew that Skuld and her real mother were never close. Indeed, Anzus had never spoken to her daughter while she was alive.

"You have never met her? Skuld's real mother?"

Lindy became uncomfortable and changed the subject. "Okay, something is obviously on your mind, Halval." It was because, as far as she knew, Halval never just sat with anybody. Nor did she ever engage in idle chit-chat, at least not without a deeper agenda. "What brings you up here?"

The Dark Lady sat and said nothing. Lindy waited patiently. Then Halval finally said, "If you must know, my mistress, I am feeling distressed."

Lindy looked at her with concern. "Really? What is it?"

The demon remained silent. Then she spoke again: "I do not want to say."

"Why not?"

"Because it would distress me even more."

Lindy turned and faced her. "Look, if this is because of your blurted confession to me two years ago, I've told you a hundred times that it's okay. You were totally loopy. It was just the headrush of the energy transfer. That, plus your seeing actual light for the first time, plus the endorphins from the burns - all of those new experiences made you as high as a kite. You weren't yourself that day."

"No, I was not. I apologize again."

"And forgiven again for the 101st time."

A pause.

"So what is it then?"

Silence.

Lindy said, "Do you want me to command you to speak? I will, if you believe that will help."

"Thank you for your gracious offer, but I do not think it will."

Lindy became more concerned. "Halval, you know that I only have your best interests at heart. We're alone here. You can speak freely to me whenever is on your mind. I'll keep anything you tell me in the strictest confidence."

"Thank you again, my mistress, but I think you misunderstand me."

Lindy waited again.

The Dark Lady said, "It distresses me because if I tell you what I am thinking right now, it will distress you."

"It's all right. Just tell me. What's on your mind?"

More silence.

"Okay, I see you want me to order you, so fine. Halval, I order you to tell me."

"Very well. You have commanded me to reveal my secret."

The Dark Lady's unseeing eyes quickly met hers. "My confession to you that day was real."

Halval waited.

She expected one of four possible reactions: shock, anger, embarrassment, or laughter.

Lindy did none of these. Instead the blond goddess simply looked down at the grass and picked up the blades idly with her fingers. "I know."

Halval looked at her mistress with her blind eyes for several moments. Then she revealed her hands from her robes, something she almost never did. She used one hand to carefully remove the white glove from her other hand. Then she placed one long and delicate finger on Lindy's left cheek and held it there, then she gently stroked it.

Lindy sighed and closed her eyes.

The blond goddess finally said, "Please.. stop."

Halval quickly took her hand away as if stung. She spoke quickly, "My profound apologies, my mistress. It was wrong for me to do that without your permission. You are my mistress and I presumed arrogantly. Please punish me if you wish."

"No, it's fine. Just.. please.. don't do that again."

She looked away redfaced. "Yes, my mistress."

"And you can drop the 'mistress' title too." Lindy had long ago released Halval from her indentured service agreement. But the Dark Lady insisted on acting and speaking as if the agreement was still in effect. Lindy had to periodically remind her that she was doing so voluntarily, purely on her own volition.

"Nobody is your mistress, certainly not me."

The Dark Lady ignored her statement, then she asked a question of her mistress: "You believe this is improper because there is a power imbalance between us? Because your world frowns upon intimate relationships between a subordinate and a superior? Yes?"

"It does."

"But that is not the real reason why you rejected me just now."

"Also true."

"I know the real reason."

"Ah, and here it comes. I see you forced this, Halval. Clever."

"Yes. I admit that what I did just now was a deception." The Dark Lady smiled. "If I succeeded in deceiving you, it is only because I have a great teacher."

"That was good acting. I'm impressed." My, she is subtle, that one. This is just like the way she so deftly maneuvered me into accepting her indentured service proposal, and the way she's been trying to get me to switch sides ever since. She's really quite skillful. Pity she'll never change sides herself.

"Touché, you got me." Lindy felt chagrined because she ought to have realized that Halval would never have dared to actually physically touch her mistress like that without an invitation first.

But Halval knew she would never receive such an invitation. Nor would anyone else.

Ever.

And that was what concerned Halval.

"Your words are high praise, my lady. I did it for a purpose. It is because I am your friend, and I am worried for you."

Lindy was again uncomfortable. "Just tell me what you want to say."

"I concerned for your well being."

"For me."

"Yes."

"Why? Because I don't have a partner? Or because I don't want one?"

"Neither. True, you are alone. But you believe that you are destined to always be alone. Not by choice, but by fate. It is the latter that distresses me, that belief."

"Can't be helped."

And then for first the time on that sunny day, Halval spoke words to Lindy that actually surprised her.

"I know the reason why you believe you must remain alone."

That startled the blond goddess. "You do?"

"Yes, I do."

Hmm. She's fishing again. I'm not falling for it a second time.

Lindy looked at her in silence. C'mon, Halval. Admit it, you are bluffing me again.

The Dark Lady returned her look with deadly earnest. "I can sense your aura. I know."

She's stalling. "Halval, you're blind."

"I did not say I could see see your aura, I only said I could sense it."

"And what do your keen senses tell you about me? My aura?"

A pause. Heh, gotcha.

"They tell me that you are the same as Anzus, the same as Belldandy..."

Wait.. could she really know?

Lindy waited.

"... that you are not actually here."

Oh my word. She really does know.

Lindy reacted with pleased amusement. "Well done, I'm impressed. I thought you were bluffing again. You actually fooled me twice in one conversation. That's very good." Lindy idly pulled up some more blades of grass. "You know, you are the very first person to figure that out?"

She meant Halval was the first person whose existence was not also bifurcated like herself, Anzus, or Belldandy. Her grandmother and her aunt had known Lindy's secret all along, of course.

Then Lindy said, "But Father suspects, I think."

Halval replied, "Then your father is a wise man."

"Yes, he is." She smiled. "Halval, you really are observant, just like Father."

"Your words are high praise and music to my eyes. May I ask where you really are right now?"

"I'm someplace else. I can't be more specific."

"I understand." Lindy's grandmother and her aunt both lived in a location that was not far from her own, a place that was closer to the Center than hers. They had often dropped by to visit her, in person, several times. They sometimes even played Mahjong together.

Halval said, "The truth is, your existence is very different than anyone else here in Asgard. Because of it, you have a spiritual separation and isolation that gives you a hidden melancholy side. You hide it very well, but I can sense it."

Her blind eyes again looked deep into her master's. "I feel your sadness. You believe that as long as you remain in this world that you will always stand apart from everyone. You will always be alone." She wondered, did Belldandy feel the same way when she lived with Keiichi? She must have, for Belldandy knew that Keiichi could never have bridged that gap. She must have known it***, just like Lindy knew it now.

"Lindy, you know that I am your friend. Must you be alone? Is there nothing that can be done?"

Lindy continued to look out at the idyllic landscape.

"Like I said, it can't be helped."

Then Lindy quietly got up and left.

Halval sat alone on the hill. Her unreadable eyes looked up again at the blinding light of the sun.

She carefully reviewed the conversation that she had just had with her mistress. She continued to stare at the sun, deep in thought.

It was because she knew that she had fooled Lindy, not twice, but three times during that conversation.

Lindy would have been doubly impressed had she known what Halval had actually done.

Halval's deception was a deception.

The touch was real.

She was very much in love.

The irony was that she had never lied during their conversation, nor indeed during any other time since she was elevated to first-class after the Last Battle. She only used misdirection and omission, the same tricks her esteemed mistress always used, and who, being a first-class goddess, was forbidden from telling a direct lie. Halval decided that she would imitate her sensei and do the same, although she never told anyone of her personal choice. Being a demon, everyone had simply assumed she would continue to lie. She had used that false assumption to her advantage many times.

She was glad that her triple-deception had worked, for she had learned something very important from her dear sensei. Lindy had just told her something that she did not know.

Halval now knew that if anyone could empathize with her dilemma, that if anyone could understand her feelings, that if anyone knew what it was like to love someone who was literally unattainable.. there was one man who would know.

One man who might have an answer.

She got up and walked down the hill to the office of the Daitenkaicho.

A/N:

* See Oh! My Angel Yuko!. The story is a crossover fic between AMG and ef: A Fairy Tale of the Two.

** See The Realization of Haruki Suzumiya, The Final Act of Haruki Suzumiya (still in progress), and The Memories of Haruki Suzumiya.

*** It is canon that Keiichi and Belldandy were explicitly blocked from ever bridging the gap between human and goddess in their love relationship. This is why it had stalled out for years. What shocked Keiichi was that Belldandy knew it, and indeed had known it the entire time. See the manga Oh! My Goddess! chapter 285. That big reveal, plus another huge one in chapter 268, made Keiichi finally understand the truth: Belldandy was far, far, above him - as far above him as a person was above an ant. His perseverance despite that knowledge soon led to an ordeal in which they were forced to live an entire lifetime together in the bodies of another ill-fated goddess/human pairing from Earth's history [Chapters 289-293]. Tyr had forced them to live out that tragic tale to show them why it would never work between them, or so he thought. (It's basically the same problem Arwen and Aragorn had.) And yet, because of Keiichi's sheer will and determination to overcome all obstacles in his love for Belldandy, they elected to remain together despite that foreknowledge.

That Belldandy had always stood apart from everyone, even from her own sisters, is rather obvious once you've read all the mangas. Lindy, who is much like Belldandy in some ways, suffers a similar spiritual separation and isolation. The mangas do not (as of yet) explain exactly what the reason is. I will reveal my own theory at the end of this story, where I disclose the real reason behind Belldandy's isolation (it is not merely a mortal/immortal dichotomy, nor her bifurcated existence). I dropped some hints in this chapter. I will drop some bigger ones in the next, and it will be fully explained in the last chapter: The Five Secrets Revealed.