And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

- Goo Goo Dolls, 'Name'

Chapter Twenty-Five

"Maybe you should go home."

She didn't look up from her desk and the uneaten take-out, regretting her decision to post the picture on her computer screen and now unable to take it down, six months seeming like both a heartbeat and an eternity. "I'm not tired," she finally managed calmly and then sighed inwardly when he pulled a chair closer, taking a seat opposite her to stare more intently. "Edie—"

"Stop trying to fix this."

"I'm not trying to fix anything—I don't think there's any kind of fix for this." He was right, of course, and yet there he was, always trying to take control of the situation, hazel eyes looking closer than ever before and easily seeing what she was so easily hiding from her always-perceptive Tracy. "There are doctors who deal with this kind of grief."

"I don't want a doctor."

She stood, taking a moment to keep herself on her feet before leaving the desk, letting herself fiddle with the files stacked and carefully organized behind her as she caught her breath again and calmed her suddenly deafening heartbeat. "I don't need a doctor," she added as she played with a paper clip she had unknowingly left on the shelf. "I'm doing just fine."

"Physically."

She looked back at him, teeth hurting from how hard she was clenching her jaw. "This isn't any of your business, Zach." It was hard to get the words out, with how strongly she knew otherwise. "When you made me her godmother; that meant that I was supposed to take care of you, too."

"Well, she's dead, so you're released from your duties."

-

"What about my cousin?"

Studying the chart intently, it took a moment for Brooke to understand what Amanda was talking about. "Hayley?" Amanda nodded, and she nodded back, popping the blue push-pin into table number three, setting her hands on her hips to survey their work so far. "Her plane will be coming in a day before, and she'll be spending the night in one of the guest rooms."

"Just her?"

"Her and the boys, yeah," she sighed, moving back to her desk to cross Hayley's name off her list. "She said Mateo isn't coming, so that makes things a bit easier… and the night before will probably be all about her." Off Amanda's curious look, "She says she has an announcement for us to hear, so we're all very afraid."

"Hmm…" was all Amanda could say.

"And Skye will be…" Thoughtfully, checking the redhead's position on the special graph, she finally crossed the name off the list, tapping the pen against the notebook as she flicked her eyes across the placement chart. "She'll be sitting with JR and Hayley," she finally chirped, and Amanda snickered slightly, getting a curious glance from Brooke.

"It's just… that'll be the alcoholic table…"

She was nervous, but then she had a right to be. The last time she had seen her cousin had been at her father's funeral more than a year before, and that hadn't exactly been the best of times for her or anyone else in the family. "JR's already been voted to be the one to do the main speech." Brooke paused, fiddling with her ring for a moment, before adding dryly, "Am I supposed to be this intimidated by my soon-to-be step-children?"

"I wouldn't know."

"No, of course not, but—"

"Brooke?" The voice was muffled but strong, and the woman in question opened the door, letting in a young woman carrying a file, a strangely massive grin on her face. "I just found something for your expose… and it's a big something," she added more proudly, ignoring Amanda as she reverently passed the file to Brooke.

-

"Are you going to answer that?"

Ryan shook his head at Erica's question, shutting off his buzzing phone to give her his full attention. She had half-dragged him off to an empty room, locking them both in as his cell had started going off, repeatedly, whoever it was not getting that he wasn't available at the moment. "Okay," he sighed as he turned it off and put it away, "What do you need?"

"Ryan—" She paused, eying him in a way that he didn't recognize and found himself baffled at. "Ryan, is this true?" He shook his head slightly, confused, and she added more raggedly, "Are you having a—an affair with that Henry woman?" the words sank in with careful slowness, settling into his mind and leaving him scrambling at first, trying to figure out a way to—

"That's really none of your business, Erica."

He wasn't even sure where the words came from, was as quietly stunned by the sharp anger there as she was, to judge by the way she straightened to her full but still tiny height and narrowed her eyes, taking a step towards him and only making him more pissed-off, exhausted by her constantly pulling the strings and seemingly always surprised by the fact that people didn't enjoy it.

"How dare you—"

"I don't have time for this," he snapped irritably, giving into his anger and striding past her, getting his hand on the knob before she grabbed his other arm and yanked back, showing surprising and shocking strength as she took her place back in front of him, and he recognized her, that look on her face.

He had seen that look on her face enough times since coming to Pine Valley to grow tired of it himself, even if he rarely found himself pinned by it. Once, it had angered him, watching Kendall flinch back from that look, but not anymore… that look and that tone had driven Jack off, and it was driving Bianca off and he had long grown sick of it.

"Erica, get out of my way—"

"You're having an affair with that woman!" she half-shrieked, gesturing wildly with one jeweled hand, and he had a brief echo of what he had once felt when she went off on Kendall like this, when he had still been in love with her. It made him grit his teeth and close his eyes for a moment, irritated that Di would be far more outwardly sensitive to such attacks than Kendall could ever be.

He slid his hands down the lapels of his jacket, pondering and considering and finally giving in to his anger as he cut her off in mid-tirade, snapping rather disgustedly, "You're a hell of a person to be berating me on the holiness of marriage, really." Jerking his chin at the ring she still wore on one finger, he added more cruelly, "Does Jack ever call, or does he even remember you?"

"You son of a—" Erica let out a long breath, a whistling noise of white fury as she clenched one tiny fist, seeming both stunned and enraged by his sudden force. "How dare you! That piece of trash isn't worth a minute of your time, Ryan!" she shrieked, not even trying to remain quiet now, as offended as she now was. "I have done so much for you, Ryan! So much for you and for Kendall so that you can have your life together! How dare you! If you knew—"

"Don't worry, Erica… I know exactly how far you went for your daughter."

She stopped, rocking strangely as she processed the look on his face and the tone in his voice, sharp and cutting and hateful and she closed her mouth slowly, eyes growing so wide it would have been comical at any other time. "What are—" More silence, and she swallowed, taking the smallest step back as she held her clutch to her middle. "Ryan—"

"What's a little DNA… right?"

-

"Need anything?"

Joanna didn't answer for a moment, carefully replacing the phone on the cradle as she considered the tightrope she was walking, and the worn-woman sitting in her office, hollow-eyed. Finally, mentally bracing herself, she turned to Anita, noting that the other woman was changed. "You heading home?"

A light shrug, tossing long dark hair over a shoulder and Jo gnawed her bottom lip for a moment, glancing slightly at her shut door. "Do you know the way to the Chandler mansion?" Off Anita's baffled look, "Please, just tell me." She liked the younger woman, although she thought at times that she was a bit too soft with the newbie members of the hospital staff.

"Yeah, everybody knows the way to the mansion."

She spent a few more moments considering before nodding tiredly, exhaling softly. "She says she wants to be dropped off over there, that she's got a guest room." Noticing Anita's curious look, she shook her head, "Please, I don't have time for any questions right now… can you do it for me?"

"Yeah… sure, I guess."

"Good." She picked the phone up again, dialing Ryan Lavery's phone number as she watched Anita make a beeline for her office, where Erin was probably still sitting dazedly. She frowned, becoming angry as she realized the phone had been turned off. She had lost count of how many times she had been unable to reach Ryan Lavery, and yet there she was, thinking he might pick up his phone when his brother's main doctor started calling him.

"Fine," she snapped as she finally slammed it down, watching as the brunette and redhead disappeared into the elevator, "let's try Jonathon, huh?"

-

"Do you know where Kendall went?"

Trying to keep Miranda from disappearing into one of the elevators, JR held onto the little girl's hand with one strong palm, turning to see Bianca rushing towards him, eyes wide and carrying a dazed-looking Chris on one hip. Even as he was forced to scoop Miranda up into her arms, he shook his head, the look on her face answering that things weren't going well.

When had anything in Pine Valley ever gone well?

As Miranda bounced in his arms and babbled something about wanting to see snow—why she was so obsessed with snow all year around, JR had yet to fully comprehend—he gestured back to where the family was now milling around, half of them missing and the other half about to fall asleep, bored out of their minds. "What are you doing with Miranda?"

He ignored the tone she took in the question, banishing it quickly and unwilling to let himself get his feathers ruffled by somebody as worried about Kendall as he was. This was not a time for old wounds to reopen and he shifted Miranda again, hissing when her small foot just barely missed a vital part of his anatomy. "I'm keeping her from disappearing into the Hotel of Misplaced Toys," he muttered, adding with more emotion, "Did you see Erin run through here?"

"What?"

"Erin… she ran out of here and she refuses to answer her phone… Miranda, don't kick me there!" he half-yelled, and she pressed a wet kiss to his temple, running one small palm reassuringly over his cheek even as she continued to bounce, her childishly adorable apology almost enough to make him hand her the keys to his car and wish her a nice night to do whatever she wanted.

But no… he wasn't supposed to spoil her, right?

She wasn't Bess… she wasn't his, even if his heart was telling him that she was—

He struggled to keep a hold on those thoughts, hating that they never left him, no matter how much time passed. But she had been his, and his heart refused to pay attention to words like 'biological' when it came to her and what she felt like in his arms as she wrestled to get out into the rain… "Why is it still raining?"

Passing him Chris roughly enough to make him cast her an angry look, Bianca half-ripped Miranda out of his hold, her voice once again taking that tone when she asked, "Where's Maggie?" Rocking absently, unaware of it in fact, he smoothed a hand down dark hair, slightly worried about that look that Chris was casting about. "Your girlfriend is doing something… she had to answer a call or something, I'm not sure but Miranda took her chance and bolted when we weren't looking."

"Does Maggie know you have Miranda?"

At the back of his awareness, irritation flickered and he tried to smother it, reminding himself that they were both feeling emotional right now. Clearing his throat, half-trying to shut himself up before the words came out, he hissed back, "And does your girlfriend know that you spent last Saturday with Babe?"

Bianca looked as if she had been slapped—and behind her, Maggie looked more than a little bit pissed off.

JR felt guilty that he didn't feel guilty.