"Mm, you seem quite lucid! A rare thing in these times. I am-"
"Yeah, yeah, some Big Hat bigwig from Vinheim. Get moving."
Beatrice had unlocked Logan's prison in a flash and was waving him out.
"I'd love to resume my travels, but I must log a few things-"
"Now, oldie! My shitty prophet says you'll steal Seath's secrets, so get a move on!"
"I wouldn't call it stealing, but yes, I-"
Beatrice reached out and grabbed his hat, adding it to her pile of headgear.
"You give that back this instant!"
She took off running down the ramp. Logan finally left his cage and chased after her. Unfortunately for the old sorcerer, being a fugitive resulted in much more stamina than spending long hours researching. The rogue witch rounded the corner and climbed the stairs. As she crossed the bridge back to the main room, Logan fired a soul spear in desperation, but she ducked under it and continued into the statue storage room.
The golems groaned to life, restored to their prior state by the bonfire. She paid them no mind and continued onto the bridge, sprinting through the falling pendulums. Below, she saw Lex waiting on the far side of a room that hadn't been there when they entered. She hopped down to him.
"Where's that shortcut, kid? We've got to go, now!"
"Did you steal Logan's-?"
"Now, kid!"
He gestured to the open gibbet behind him.
"I don't know how it works, but we just get inside this cage here, and it'll take us up to the top."
"Uh, kid? This fits one."
"Huh."
"Well, good luck."
Before the cleric could react, she'd stepped inside and closed the door. The chain began clanking, and the cage rose into the air.
"I am not going through this crap again!" Lex shouted, jumping to grab hold of the bottom.
The cage itself groaned with the extra weight, but whatever was cranking the chain seemed to be unaffected. As they rose to the level of the second bridge, they saw flashes of blue lights coming from the storage room.
"You know," Lex started, "you might have changed fate so that Logan dies here. You'd think if these cages are more or less magic-proof that the golems could be as well."
"Shit! I didn't think of that! Go back down and help him!"
"You do it."
Beatrice's rebuttal was to stomp on his fingers. Fortunately, she wasn't wearing boots. He actually gripped more tightly as a reflex, and after a few halfhearted tries, she gave up on knocking him off the bottom. Eventually, the gibbet rose through a square hole in the ceiling and stopped in a small room open to the outside on either side. Once the witch climbed out, Lex began to haul himself up into the cage.
Fortunately, the elevator mechanism seemed to be tied to the closing of the door, so he was able to climb onto solid ground without detouring back to the first floor. He led the way up some stairs and out of the room, then up a full staircase to a narrow path. It turned right once and then again, as if walls without a roof between them. They climbed another staircase and turned right yet again before turning left into a large room full of square columns. Oscar was seated in front of one of them, and there was a fog gate behind him, to their left.
Sen, meanwhile, pouted in his gibbet in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth to keep himself amused. After a few moments, Siegmeyer's laughter echoed down from above. Oscar seemed unconcerned, preoccupied with examining an elaborate rapier he'd gotten from somewhere.
"Did Siegmeyer kill the giant yet?" Lex asked.
Oscar looked up at last, but Sen was the one who answered.
"See for yourself!"
"Don't care," Beatrice said, sitting down against another column to reorder her hats.
Lex shrugged and turned to the right, walking up a spiral staircase to the top of the tower where the bomb-throwing giant was located. It was an easy fight, and the giant didn't respawn. He wondered what could have been causing Siegmeyer problems. He leaned out the doorway cautiously to see what the problem was. He found Siegmeyer and the giant sitting together, talking about something in a language that his position as Player Character didn't allow him to understand.
"Oho! There you are, Lex! I was able to resolve our conflict peacefully. I hope you don't mind."
"I…did not even realize that was an option. Paragon points for that. Where did you even learn to speak, uh, Giantish, or whatever?"
"Many years back, trade caravans were being attacked by giants. I relished the chance of combat against such mighty foes as much as my fellows, but I could not slay them in clear conscience without learning their motives. The search for such knowledge was a daring quest in itself! A shame the so-called giants were just bandits fleeing lost Berenike."
He turned back to the giant.
"It seems that I must continue my journey, my friend. I wish you well! Perhaps I will be able to visit you once more!"
The old knight rose slowly and extended a hand. The masked giant was careful as he reached out himself, but Siegmeyer grasped the hand firmly and gave it a hearty shake before heading to the stairwell. Lex waved at the giant awkwardly before heading down.
"We killing this shit yet?" Beatrice complained.
"I just need to do one more thing," Lex said with a grin.
He turned to the last path leading out of the room, this one a bridge leading to an upper room in Ricard's tower. Sen started to say something as he ran out, but he was too focused to hear. Inside the room was a table and chairs but nothing else.
"Huh. Is it because we've already got four people? That doesn't make sense. We could still summon Solaire for the Gaping Dragon fight. Where the heck is Tarkus' sign?"
He looked around fruitlessly, pulling out and putting back the chairs several times as if he would find the summon sign underneath one of the legs. Eventually, he gave up and returned to the others.
"Well, I guess that's that. Let's go ahead and hit the Golem."
"What exactly are we fighting, Lex?" Oscar asked, rising to his feet.
"Iron Golem. This big hulking thing. It might put some wear on our weapons, but we'll want to use our usual ones for this. If we hit hard, we can end it quickly. Just keep whaling on its legs, and it'll fall over. Once that happens, we should be able to beat it to death without much effort."
"What about that shit you said earlier about things here being magic-proof?" Beatrice cut in.
"I don't remember it being any more resistant to magic than it is weapons. Plus, you're so stupidly overpowered that I don't even think resistance is relevant at this point."
"Thank you, thank you, save your applause."
"Other than that, just don't panic at the beginning. It does have a ranged attack that can blow you off the roof, but its opening shot will be deflected by some rubble. Everyone ready?"
"Ready."
"Certainly! I couldn't be more excited!"
"Do you even have to ask?"
Sen looked like he was trying to avoid grinning but said nothing. Lex shook his head and turned to push through the fog. Ahead lay the ruins of what might have been another tower or at least some sort of decorative structure. Even further beyond, at the end of the bridge on the other side, was the entrance to the city of the gods, Anor Londo. The doorway was immense, large enough that a giant could enter while standing on another's shoulders – or at least they could have if it hadn't been bricked up.
There was no sign of a giant-sized golem, though. At last, Sen, hanging to the side of the fog, broke into mad laughter.
"I told you! If you wanted to take a shortened series of tests, the last would be my most fearsome creation! My dear Iron Golem was a test for a single Undead, as was the rest of my Fortress. You!"
He glared at Lex accusingly.
"You know the fatal flaw in that last test! When those part-giant mongrels tried to overwhelm my Fortress, one of them left a summon sign. He survived the final test and went on to Anor Londo, where he had a rather karmic accident. Since the soapstones correspond to a personal chronology, and none of the later Chosen knew that pesky knight had fallen, he helped countless unworthy Undead pass. No more!"
"Well, I mean, losing Tarkus is a little sad, but the Golem was kind of a joke anyway."
"Silence! The witch singling you out means nothing to me! I will perform my duty to the letter! My Golem was too top-heavy, yes! It was deliberate!
You arrogant humans underestimate the effort that goes into designing traps that are difficult without being impossible! The falling over, the slipping off the roof, the missing the opening attack: these were all deliberate design flaws! My ultimate creation has no such mercies! Come, my Black Iron Golem!"
A flapping sound began to echo from below. It grew faster and faster, becoming a continuous roar. From the far side of the platform rose a matte black humanoid figure. It was the size of a Berenike knight, but its armor was notably thicker and heavier. From its back were four massive iron wings beating like hammers, black smoke belching from red-hot exhaust pipes. In one hand was an unadorned ultra-greatsword wrapped in chains, and in the other was a massive greatshield. Set in its chest was a blazing core of dragon bone and unquenchable soul.
"Tarkuuuuus!"
The flying behemoth dove forward with a blast of wind. Lex rolled forward and out of danger, while Beatrice made due with falling flat to the ground, and the knights tried to hold out with their shields. As the Golem swung its greatsword, Siegmeyer's smaller shield proved a liability, the force of the blow bowling him over despite his great strength. Oscar held firm but was pressed back against the fog gate. Seeing it was getting nowhere, the Golem blasted with its wings, pinning Oscar with the force as it shot back toward the center of the platform.
Lex had taken the opportunity of its preoccupation with Oscar to draw a great lightning spear, and now it was nearly close enough to touch. He chucked the bolt before it could react, and the engine on its back shuddered and wheezed.
"Beatrice, try to get behind it!" Lex shouted as he drew up his sword in both hands and confronted the Golem directly.
It didn't give him the opportunity to attack, slamming him to the ground with its shield. Oscar rushed in next, using a ruined pillar as a stepping stone for a leaping smash. The Golem wasn't very agile to begin with, but it didn't even try to block the attack, the blow sliding harmlessly off of its pauldron. It counterattacked by merely raising its sword, the force of the swing sending the airborne knight tumbling backward. Now, Siegmeyer had regained his feet and charged straight for it, zweihander gripped with both hands.
The Golem swept its heavier blade straight down, but the old knight's brute strength was not to be underestimated. While the Golem was hovering, he was more than a match for it, and even managed to push it back long enough to give Lex and Oscar time to rise and flank it. Beatrice, meanwhile, had kept close to the ground, not drawing attention to herself. She eventually rose and flared up her souls, at last unleashing a soul geyser. The splitting soul spears each struck a wing near its base, and the machinery began to shriek and sputter.
The Golem swept its sword in front of it and over its left shoulder, letting loose a length of chain. Suddenly, it twisted in the air, and the blade screamed through the air like a rocket. It struck the witch squarely in the gut and swept her into the air. The projectile soared across the long bridge to the sealed entrance of Anor Londo, where it pinned her against the stone. Oscar swung at the Golem's empty-handed sword arm, but it fearlessly blocked the attack with the back of its forearm.
Siegmeyer attacked its shield directly to distract it, but it seemed unfazed, throwing a hard straight-punch at Oscar. The elite knight blocked it with his own shield, but now he was dangerously close the edge of the platform. Another device began to whir, and the chain on the end of its sword began to wrap onto a spool, drawing the blade back along the bridge. This time, Lex forewent caution and smashed an erupting great lightning spear onto the Golem's back. The engine sputtered and sparked, and the Golem at last fell to the floor.
It swatted Siegmeyer away with its shield and took a step away from Oscar, forcing Lex back. It crossed its arms, and the wings shot off its back and into the cleric, trapping him under the weight. By now, its sword near, so it simply grabbed the chain and jerked it into its waiting hand. Oscar was forced to duck under a swing in order to avoid getting thrown off the roof. He shifted his hips and thrust directly upward into the Golem's armpit. Even that seemed to do no real damage to the Black Iron behemoth, but it did throw it off-balance.
"Siegmeyer! Like Lex said!"
The older knight nodded and rushed into the Golem, taking both of them to the ground. Siegmeyer quickly rolled away as Oscar tried for the third time to sever its sword arm. Unlike the original Golem, this one didn't take such attacks lying down. As the blade began to wedge itself into its shoulder joint, the Black Iron Golem reached up and grabbed Oscar's left arm, crushing the wrist.
"Oscar!"
Siegmeyer whirled around and quickly picked up his sword off the ground. He'd stopped for a moment to lift the wings off of Lex, and now they were rushing to get back into the fray. The Golem itself used the reprieve to rise, throwing Oscar to the side as it did. It started to turn to face the other two but stopped and raised its shield.
"Surprise, bitch!"
Beatrice didn't look particularly well with a sword-shaped hole in her stomach, her body shaking, and one eye twitching, but the constellation of far too many homing soul masses above her head served as ample distraction. She thrust her staff forward to fire a soul spear, and the orbs fired in tandem, creating a river of soul energy that rushed over the Golem. It stumbled backward but resisted toppling over.
"Siegmeyer!" Lex said quickly. "Blast it!"
The old knight quickly drew up his simple talisman and cupped his hands. As he chanted the hymn in a deep bass, a bubble of energy formed in his hands, swiftly growing larger than even he was. At last, he gave the bubble a gentle shove, and it shot forward, causing the Golem to stumble closer to the edge. An even deeper bass followed the knight's gentle chanting as Lex's bass cannon roared and blasted the Golem forward. Still, it seemed as if even that wouldn't send the metal monstrosity over the edge, when Oscar quickly rolled into position and took a golf swing at its shins. At last it stumbled and slipped off the end. The group collectively breathed a sigh of relief.
"Hmmmm…" Siegmeyer began. "What's that sound?"
The chain of the Golem's sword was running over the edge as it fell, but abruptly, the sword itself caught on some rubble. The chain drew taut, and the whizzing noise ended. Now there was a clanking noise.
"Oh god, he's climbing back up," Lex said quietly.
Siegmeyer rushed to wrench the sword free.
"No," Beatrice commanded, seething. "Let me have this."
She pressed her staff through one of the chain links, and the white-red flames of fire sorcery leapt out, rushing down the length of the chain. Oscar watched the Golem catch fire from his place at the ledge.
"Actually, Tarkus is pretty much fireproof," Lex commented idly.
Beatrice glared right through him, so he stopped talking. Eventually, the chain gave out from the assault of heat and weight, and the Black Iron Golem tumbled to the lower Fortress below, smashing through the roof and out of sight. They all waited for a few moments.
"No souls from a machine," Oscar noted.
"Well, you're part right," Lex replied. "We didn't get any from those statues, did we? Not sure how they were animated without souls. Batteries, maybe. But the Golem's supposed to have a core that's basically a makeshift soul.
We should be sitting on fat stacks by now. This can only mean that Tarkus is still alive and has finally triumphed over gravity."
"Then let's find it and finish the job," Beatrice growled.
"Nah. Knocking the Golem off the ledge is still a victory, isn't it, Sen?"
The god was positively livid.
"Of course not!"
"But it was such an obvious weakness after that first hit. You wouldn't give a test you knew was impossible, right? The point of this is to test Undead before they go to Anal Rodeo. I mean Anor Londo. Even an ultimate hard mode boss would have an obvious weakness because someone has to succeed Gwyn."
Sen glared at him.
"Fine. You are correct. That was the intention. You passed with flying colors, you dirty pygmy. Now you have a new problem. The transport demons don't seem to be coming. Another system ruined by using living servants. If the witch would just let me mechanize the whole process…"
He sighed.
"I had best locate my Golem and repair the damage to my Fortress. I'll leave this matter to your own ingenuity."
The god's gibbet slid away on a new rail, descending back into the depths of the Fortress. The humans looked about, trying to think of some way to reach the city of the gods beyond the sheer cliff in front of them. The obvious ring of light was missing, so Lex didn't even know where to start. After a few moments more, Beatrice threw her arms up and walked off.
"One of you shits come get me when you figure something out. I'm not going anywhere messed up like this."
Oscar nodded.
"She has a point for once. I'm no good with only one arm. We could all use a rest after such fierce fighting."
"That sounds like an excellent idea!" Siegmeyer said, already bouncing. He paused and added, "But I will remain behind with you if you intend to stay, Lex."
"No, I'll head back too. I think we've only got one solid option unless we convince Sen to build an elevator, anyway. Remember, guys? Spider thread. Let's climb that mountain."
Beatrice groaned. Siegmeyer's head tilted.
"Okay, fine," Lex said. "We'll make Oscar climb. Then when he's at the top, he'll pull us up."
"Do I get no say?" the knight complained.
"My last physical examination said I have the grip strength of a small child."
"Well, get the ropes if you can, and I'll think about climbing."
As they walked back to the bonfire balcony, Lex extended his thumb and pinky like a phone and held it to his ear.
"You know, they never told me how to make an outgoing call. Hm. Operator, connect me to Quelaag."
There wasn't an operator to speak with, but there was a vague prickling sensation on the back of his neck. After a moment, the voice of the Chaos Witch burned into his mind.
"Human, so you have contacted me as you said."
"Yeah! Oh, wait."
"Whoops, don't want to be one of those people who talk loudly on their phone in the middle of a social thing. But yeah. I mean, I would have preferred to have a regular conversation first, but we actually need a bit of help."
"Your shamelessness knows no bounds."
"Well, actually, I feel really awkward because this is almost as bad as that time when I – wait, this isn't the time for bad dating stories. The bat demons that are supposed to take people from the top of Sen's Fortress to Anor Londo haven't shown up. I don't really know how your spider-powers work, but do you happen to have a whole lot of rope lying around for emergencies?"
"Even if I did, what could you possibly want with rope?"
"We're going to make Oscar scale the cliffside and secure a line. It's not like falling to his death is that big a deal."
"I'm not sure whether to praise your practicality or call you a sociopath. I only wish I could see the looks on their faces as humans began to scale the walls of their city like insects."
"Spiders are arachnids."
"You are hardly a spider."
"Maybe it's just because male spiders are so much smaller you can't tell."
"I won't dignify that with a response. I don't have any thread merely lying around, but I will make your ropes. I will send Kirk to the Fortress when they are finished. Is that all?"
"Cool. So, uh, what do you do in your free time? I can imagine caring for-"
"I will send Kirk when they're ready."
Abruptly, the voice faded out completely.
"So is she not interested, then? Siegmeyeeeeeeer! I still don't know how girls work. You're married. Tell me how that happened."