CHAPTER XXIV
The strong winter storm of that year, he was sure of that. The way the powerful winds crashed against the closed doors and windows of Akai Hana. Tezuka wished to be home, fulfilling the promise he made his wife as leaving her at his family's mansion again. But, at soon as he arrived at Kyoto, a big urgent note on his door made him delay all his appointments to be at that place again.
- You fool. – he said, looking at his cousin. Some bandages crossing his abdomen were seeing on the half opened yukata and a young woman by his side, looking so worried. - How did you let that happen?
- Dear cousin, I do not bring my blade to a place only my flesh sword is needed. – Fuji smiled although he was feeling some discomfort where ten stitches had put his muscles and skin together after a knife attack. – I'm sorry I'm bothering you.
- I am the one who should apologize. – Natsumi spoke, her eyes serious over Tezuka's. – But I didn't think it was right not telling your family what happened. Because of us.
- Thank you for taking care of my cousin, Natsumi-san, and give him the primary care. But, I think it's time I call our family's doctor to check on him.
- No way. Our relatives already think I am a disgrace to the family. Imagine how Uncle would feel if they heard I was wounded on a brothel fight. – his head was down. – He doesn't deserve it. I will be back when I'm better. Until then, find me some excuse, please.
- You need to tell me what happened so I can lie to my father properly, then.
- It was not his fault. Drunken men broke into Saya-san's room because Hotaru-chan was crying so much. He was afraid of the storm. Fuji-san protected them.
His eyes were wide in surprise at hearing her name and knowing she was the one in danger. Looking at Fuji, his blue eyes avoid him.
- Where was Suzuki-san when this happened? And where's Saya-san now?
- He passed away some weeks ago. – her face was filled with sorrow. – Saya-san hasn't been well since then. She barely eats or speaks and keeps herself in the room with her son.
- Where is she? – he stood up, trying to hide his anxiety. He needed to see her.
- She moved to the room upstairs. I will take you there. – Natsumi was about to stand up when Tezuka's words stopped her.
- There is no need. Please, stay with my cousin. Syuusuke, I will bring you some clean clothes from home tomorrow.
- Thank you.
- Again, I appreciate your help, Natsumi-san.
- Such a polite and proper person. – she said, as he left the room. – Are you really related?
- He got all the seriousness genes. – he smiled ironically. - The perfect Tezuka man.
- You should learn with him. Some prudence would be good for you. – her tone was of annoyance as she was brought clean sheets for his futon. - You can die like this someday, being so reckless.
- I told you already. – smiling at her, he grabbed his hand and called her attention. – I cannot see a woman crying.
- Baka. - her hair was on her face. She tried to forget how scared she was as seeing him bleeding so much, before bringing him in together with her sister, her trembling hands trying to stop the blood. It was fortunate a doctor was visiting one of the tayuus and gave him the proper treatment.
- Natsumi-san, I've missed you. – letting go of her wrist, his hands touched her beautiful face. - Very much.
The walls she had built against him crumbled entirely at the gentleness of his blue eyes, unable to hide her feelings anymore. She touched his face and his short light hair. Natsumi's lips touched Fuji's slowly in a chaste kiss and she didn't notice his surprise expression. But as she tried to distanced herself, Syusuke pulled her back by the sleeve of her kimono, for a much deeper and intimate one. When Fuji touched her neck and offered his soft and warm tongue, Natsumi realized that she wanted to do that for very long.
#####
- Saya-san? – Tezuka entered the unknown room, illuminated with the light of a single lantern and he saw the desolation of a thousand winters as she looked back at him.
- Tezuka-dono. – her voice was weak and a new tear ran down her face already so marked with cries. Her beautiful face was pale and dark circles on her eyes, indicating days of lack of sleep. Her long hair was gone, a sign of grief, he thought. The chocolate fall was cut, reaching her shoulders now. In her hands were the glasses her husband used to wear. She put them carefully on a small table. Their son was asleep on the bed they used to share. He looked like a little copy of the late doctor.
He sat in front of her and his hands touched her face. Kunimitsu's heart was broken at seeing her afflicted with such sorrow. He wanted to kiss her until all air was gone from his lungs, wanted to kiss her for all the time they were apart and continue to kiss her until he could heal those bad feelings. But he restrained himself, only his thumb caressing her skin.
- I'm sorry for Fuji-san's wound. It was my fault and…
- He does not blame you. – he interrupted her words. – Neither do I. He protected you, the same way I would.
- You two are always so kind to us…
- Saya-san, what are you going to do from now on? Didn't your husband had any relatives who can help you now?
- He didn't. His mother ran away from home when he was a child. – she looked down. – We were planning on buying a house and move out as soon as the debts were paid, but now… I'm lost.
- I could arrange a home for you. I could pay for everything, so… - a finger gently placed on his lips made him stop as she looked at him.
- Don't. I promise Hideki I was going to handle it. All of it. – her hand was on his soft hair. – Thank you for your offer.
- I will be by your side. – his arms were around her, hugging her tight. He had missed the softness of her body so much. – Whenever you need me.
Saya held him back, her forehead on his chest, while the tears she thought would be endless, started to flow one more time.
####
- It's so unfair… - he whispered, as their lips finally separated from each other and a lovely blush was on her cheeks.
- What?
- I really want to embrace you right now. – she laughed a little at his comment and Fuji smiled as it was the first time she was so relaxed around him.
- You are such a pervert. – lying by his side, a hand was on his chest. – Remember your wound. You need to rest for now.
They spend long moments of complete silence. His fingers caressing the long light green hair. He remember their softness and sweet scent as the perfume of her skin. The snow storm outside was whistling on the closed windows, making them tremble while a small coal fireplace was crepitating. Time seemed to be frozen, like the weather outside. But there, by his side, Natsumi only felt the warmth of his body. She was almost sleeping, her eyes closing with tiredness when Syusuke's voice reached her ears:
- Natsumi.
- Yes? – she said, eyes already closed.
- Go away from here. With me. I wasn't just saying it back then.
- I can't. – her face rested on his chest. - I can't just leave Natsuko here.
- She can come too. I always wanted to try a threesome and… OUCH! – she had twitched some skin on his arm. – I'm kidding, I'm kidding! – his smile faded as Natsumi release him and he noticed the grief on her eyes.
- Also... Suzuki-san and Saya-san saved us and gave us a home. I need to help her to pay the debts on the house. I own them my life and my sister's.
- I understand. I will help with the debt. – one of his hands were over hers. – I will be your danna. Until you feel you can go away with me.
- Are you serious? – she sat by his side, a little surprised.
- I am. – Syuusuke touched her face one more time. His blue eyes never looked so determined. - I don't want anyone else touching you.
- Such jealous man. – she answered that proposal with a smile, before descending to kiss him one more time.
####
Yuri stopped at her husband's office and observed him there, so absorbed into that pile of papers and documents. He was extremely silent since he had come back from Kyoto two weeks ago. Even though Fuji had already told her that was a normal feature of Tezuka, she was sure that would never get used to the absence of words of her already so quiet husband. She knew he was supposed to have longer working hours as he was at home, but she was feeling lonely even with him by her side.
He would ask about her health and would kiss her good morning and good night every day, but soon he was surrounded by work and she was left alone or in his father's company. Yuri caressed the small bump on her belly and wished her child would start to kick soon so Kunimitsu could feel it this time. He was absent for the majority of months on her first pregnancy.
- Yuri? – he had stopped his reading as noticing her on the door. – Do you need to talk to me?
- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you.
- No disturbances at all. Come, sit with me. – she obeyed and sat in a thin pillow by his side, while he started to read some letters in a rough calligraphy.
- You have so many things to do. No wonder Fuji-san couldn't come back home and is working on the road.
- Yes. – he didn't like to being remind of the first lie he had told his father, when Kuniharu asked him about his cousin. – But he will be home soon.
- I hope he is well. The house is so quiet without him.
- Do you miss him? – he stopped and look at his wife, making her blush.
- Of course I do! He... he is my friend. He is always very kind to me and makes me company when you are away.
- I am glad. – his answered surprised her. – Since we were young, only me, Chichiue and Oji-sama were close to him. It is a good he has someone else inside this house.
She smiled at his caring words towards his cousin. Tezuka picked a book up and started to move the pages.
- You are feeling better this time, am I right? I do not see you nauseated like before.
- Yes! – her small hands were over her stomach and she was content. – I am not feeling anything bad, just a little sleepy some times. Is funny isn't? How it could be so different.
He stopped and looked at her for a moment, before his palm was over her fingers.
- People are different. It is only natural children will be different too.
- Kunimitsu… do you already thought about a name?
- Not yet. – he turned around and went back to his papers. - But we have plenty of time.
- Do you think we can visit your mother when the storms stop? It's been a long time since we have being there.
His eyes were fixed on one of his letters, his dark eyes glued to each word. It took a while for him to answer, his voice so different from before, tense and serious:
- Yuri… I will have to travel to Kyoto again.
- What? Why? You said you will be home from now on.
- I have some affairs to resolve. – he didn't have the courage to look at her.
- Kunimitsu… - she grabbed the cloth on the sleeve of his kimono and called his attention. – Please. Im asking you, don't go.
- Yuri…
- I am your wife. I have never asked for anything. But now, I am begging you to stay. Stay here with me, please.
Her words crushed his chest. And once again he felt extremely guilty towards her. Turning around, his hands were on her face and her grey eyes were extremely hurt.
- I must go. But I will come back as soon as possible. – he touched her hands with his and looked directly at her, as silent pledge of forgiveness. – Until then, take good care of our child. Eat and rest properly. It will be the last time I travel, I promise.
Yuri didn't answer. She was tired of crying for him. She was tired of begging for his attention, his affection, for love he was not willing to give. And she doubted her husband would ever be able to allow her or their child to have any real importance on his life. She was tired and heartbroken.
Yuri stood up and silently left his office. She didnt exchange any more words with him until he traveled again. Since he didn't know what to do and he was sure not even his best lies would make the situation better, he just accompanied her on those silent days filled with resentment.
####
The winter sky on that morning was clear, only some white clouds above. It was still cold, but the absence of wind made the temperature more comfortable. It was a small wood house, surrounded by tall trees that would be lovely in spring time. A middle-age lady was on the porch, handling some small pieces of wood.
- Excuse me. – Tezuka said, calling her attention. She turned around with a smile.
- Yes? – she came closed to them with a smile as seeing Saya and her the sleeping baby on her arms, wrapped with warm cloth. – Are you and your wife traveling? It is not usual to see people on the road at this season.
- We are not married. And we apologize for disturbing, but... – Saya stepped forward and her chest was tight with the proximity. Her hair was dark with some silver parts already and her eyes were kind, orange stones glistering on her beautiful face. – …are you Suzuki-san?
As listening that surname that she had forsaken for so many years already, her face was filled with surprised and fear and she was unable to respond.
- Are you Suzuki Himiko-san?
- Who are you?! – she asked, clearly disturbed. Her tone of voice made Hotaru complain and Saya pulled the hood on his head to protect him from the cold for a moment, showing the baby to her.
- I am Suzuki Saya. And this is Suzuki Hotaru. He is your grandchild.
As seeing the little boy's features she had no more doubts. Her eyes were watery with tears when she invited them inside. Tezuka politely excused himself and was in the other room with the tea and some biscuits Himiko had offered, giving them privacy.
Hotaru continued to sleep on his mother's arms calmly, while Saya told her mother-in-law about her ex-husband's death, the debts of Akai Hana and how Hideki passed away. As seeing the sleeping grandson, she was able to show a little smile, even though her voice was filled with sadness:
- Is he… is he healthy?
- Hotaru is completely fine. Hideki was always checking on him since he started moving inside my belly. – she smiled with the memory.
- When he was three years old he simply couldn't hold air inside his lungs. He didn't even have strength to play. It was extremely painfully to see him like that but I knew his pain was even greater. – her hand was on her heart, pressing the cloth of her kimono inside her fingers. – It was when Suzuki distance himself from us. I was too young and full of resentment before, but now I can see how he was also suffering for our son. He started to make some strange business and got the brothel house. And when the alcohol started to control him. And he started to be violent.
- Hideki told me you had to run away.
- Every time he had a crisis, Suzuki blamed me. First he yelled. Then he started to punch and kick. When Hideki was five there were no unbroken bones on my body. – her eyes were down, ashamed. – The first time I tried to run away, on the middle of the road, Hideki got sick and I had to come back to Kyoto to see his doctor. Suzuki found us there. On the days Hideki was on bed rest, he almost killed me. I couldn't stay there anymore. And I was forced to leave my son behind.
One of her hands was over her mounth and she used all her strength not to cry.
- I always tried to send him letters but the person who tried to deliver them to me told me Suzuki found out and threatened to disappear with him. So I give up. But until now I've been thinking about my boy every single day.
- He talked about you. Hideki held no bad feelings.
- Didn't he hate me?
- Not at all. He really wanted to see you again too.
- Ah, my son... – the tears finally came from her eyes.
Suddenly the baby woke up and looked at his grandmother smiling.
- He looks so much like him. – Himiko touched Hotaru's small hands and he grabbed her fingers.
- Himiko-san… I know I brought you so much information. But I came here to beg you. But I will not be able to do it with Hotaru is with me.
- What do you mean? – the baby was placed in her arms and his grandmother could see her own son on that little one.
- Please… I cannot take care of him now. I need to pay Akai Hana's debts and guarantee the tayuus safety. And a brothel house is not a place for a little boy to live. – Saya's forehead was on the ground and her mother-in-law was surprise with such pledge. - Would you raise him for me, please? I would pay for all your expenses; I am going to come as often as I can. You are my only hope of him having a happy and safe life, even if it is away from me. Please!
The older woman looked at her and she remember the time herself was just like Saya, so full of problems, empty on choices or allies and with such grand love for her child. Himiko looked at the baby again and he was sucking his thumb while calmly looking at her. It was her chance to make it right. Of being a mother again and finally be useful for her late son.
Holding her grandchild in one arm, she touched Saya's hand and she looked at her mother-in-law, surprised:
- I will be a pleasure to do so. – she smiled between tears. - Thank you for trusting me.
#####
Her eyes opened at the crackling sound of the fireplace that illuminated the small and simple room. The snow storm that caught them by surprise on the road continued outside and she sat down, a really bad and painful feeling spreading down her entire body. She was wearing a dry and new yukata. Tezuka was asleep sitting and leaning on a wall. Saya felt guilty on how tired he looked. She stood up and kneeled in front of him, caressing his hair while he woke up:
- I only cause you trouble. I'm really sorry.
- Do not apologize. I came here on my own free will. – his fingers were warm on her face. – You had to separate from your son. I would not leave you alone in such a moment.
- Thank you so much. – her voice was weak and her head was down.
- How do you feel? The man who rented me this room brought some soup. Are you hungry?
- Not at all. – she didn't protest when he pulled her close and made her sit between his open legs. Her cheek was on his chest. After so much time listening Hideki's out-of-beat heart, that compensated sound was a little strange.
- Saya-san, you know you chose the best option to your child, right?
- I know. – her hands clutched his yukata. – Even so… I feel like my heart is broken all over again. I thought loosing Hideki was the worst thing, until this.
Saya remembered Hideki's smile, his loving words and the private moments. In such a short period of time her entire life was shattered and the happiness she felt by his side was taken away from her and there was nothing she could do about it. Her tears had dried completely by now and she was about to cry tears of blood from her crushed chest. Tezuka felt how tense was her body and he felt horribly useless against all that sorrow that was consuming her. He touched his hands and the dark eyes looked at her filled with extreme concern and care:
- Choose me. – that short word said in a whisper made her eyes wide in surprise. Wanting her to fully understand the seriousness of his words, he continued. – I understand you are grieving and your heart still belongs to Suzuki-san. I do not wish to be a substitutive for him. But… when it does not hurt anymore, when you feel the time is right, choose me. Let me be by your side.
Her purple eyes looked at him and a soft palm was on his face.
- You are married.
- She only has a title.
- You are married. – the sentence was repeated with an extreme serious tone. - I don't have my husband around anymore. I don't wish to inflict this on anyone else.
Kunimitsu couldn't answer back and just made his embrace on her smaller frame tighter. Saya took a deep breath, closing her eyes on that protective warmth, wishing the devastating feeling inside of her could be gone one day.