A/N: Everything in Italic is a dream, NOT a flashback or flashfoward, just to clarify that. Thank you very much for the nice reviews and I am sorry if I'm breaking your hearts. For the record-it's hard to write as much as it is to read.
Damon's POV
I have no idea where I am. I end up in different places every time and I have no idea where I even am. I know that I've seen my mother and Bonnie a couple of times by now. The rest is usually darkness surrounding me or the empty Atlanta city for me to wander on my own. But this time, it's different, I can tell, for once the streets are full of people this time. I have no idea how these dreams even start, I am not sure if they are dreams in the first place. I am only certain that I am not back to where I should be. I'm not with Stefan and Bonnie in the hospital. Maybe in some way I am stuck, but how, I had no idea. Usually when I tried thinking about it, I started falling asleep, if such an action was even possible here, either way, it wasn't working out.
I wasn't feeling hopeless or sad, but I wasn't joyful or happy either. It was strange, in ways, I felt empty and alone, but that didn't scare me or made me hopeless. I wasn't feeling anything at all.
But now, now it's something else. For the first time there are people passing by around me. I look up at the bright sky, then feel the spring breeze, it's warm and kind, welcoming as well. The streets are somehow cleaner, lighter, the people, even if they are somehow not noticing me, are not wearing sad or empty expressions-they are smiling and they are rushing by me, full of light.
All of that makes me feel a bit better too and with certainty, I take down the street. I know it far too well but I am still not sure it will lead me to the place I want it to, because sometimes in this universe things do not work out as you want them to. When I saw my mother in our old house and talked to her, she was still as sick as the last time we were together and I was as helpless as before when I tried comforting her.
But still, I continue walking and enjoying the life around me, wishing that somehow this is reality, though I knew deep down that it's too good to be true. I wondered when I'll be back to where I should be. If I ever have the chance to do so.
With a smile on my face, I stop right in front of the bookstore that I bought and that Stefan and me were working so hard on fixing. The thought of him made me feel even emptier for I haven't seen him ever since I ended up here.
I try to suppress it and I am surprised to realize that the place looks nothing like what I remember it. It's completely fixed-there are brand new shop windows, behind which you could see the numerous shelves full of books as well as a big wooden desk in the right corner with kind of a broken computer chair behind it, but it still looked very sweet and quite cosy, exactly like I've pictured it.
There are Christmas decorations on the shop window and the entrance and I can notice a small Christmas tree somewhere in the back, but what takes away my breathe is the big sign above the door saying "Salvatore brother's bookstore". I feel my eyes water at the sight of it and I gasp, taking a step back and staring at it for a while.
"You like it?" I freeze when I hear his voice, I am afraid to look back for he might disappear, but I also can't stop myself. Before I can turn, I feel his light hand on my shoulder and he comes from behind, standing next to me and smiling.
"Stefan" I say both relieved and surprised. I've been dying to see him here. I've been wondering why I'm not dreaming of him.
Was he not down there waiting for me? Was he alright? Was there something wrong and was there someone to even help him when I couldn't? What if he never loved me enough to wait for me to come back? What if he gave up? I have no idea how much time has passed. It could've been weeks, months even? He had a life on his own, he had things to work on and me? I've always been the boy his mother choose over him. When I think about it, I did not deserve to see him here.
But now he was standing next to me, dressed in dark jeans and the sweater I gave him last time we saw each other-on his birthday. His hair was messy, but in a sweet way and there were no dark circles under his eyes, his face wasn't pale or tortured and he seemed somehow…bigger? Maybe he was older here, who knew, maybe he even graduated? I didn't know, and didn't care right about now. The most important thing is that he looked better than I've ever seen him-he was strong, smiling and he seemed in peace.
Maybe that was all in my head, though? Maybe that's how I've always wanted him to be-not constantly chased by his demons, free of all the pain, or at least able to live with it normally, healthy, rested. Maybe this is part of my imagination.
"Well, I expected a warmer welcome, but that facial expression is too precious right now" he jokes as he pats my back and I finally smile back.
"How are you here?" I ask the logical question, which probably has no answer. He shrugs and throws his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to him
"You wanted to see me and I wanted to see you, so…I guess our wish was granted." he explains simply and somehow that sounds good enough for me. Nothing matters as long as he is actually here. I've been dying to see my little brother, to make sure that he is alright, though right now roles are quite reversed-it seems like he is here to make sure that I am fine "Do you like it?" he interrupts my thoughts as he nods at the bookstore, his face is concerned, he's worrying if I like what I'm seeing or not
"It's amazing" I say as I look at the colorfully decorated bookstore which just makes my soul fill with nothing but joy "It's exactly what I've always dreamed of. Ever since I was a kid. I saw a similar one in Chicago when my father took me to a business trip with him-it was so beautiful, I spent four hours inside." I tell and he exhales releasing the tension he's holding.
"It took me quite some time to finish it." he says and my breath gets stuck in my throat for a moment "But I did my best" he is still not sure that I'm telling the truth so he is willing to criticize himself. He is never content with his work and that breaks my heart in two. I bury my hand in his hair and pull him to my chest, rubbing my fist all over it, teasing him like a little kid.
"Shut up, brother. It's amazing." I say and he struggles to free himself from my embrace.
I hear his small laugh, he almost chokes on his own tears when I start tickling him and he begs me to stop after I keep torturing him. I've not even noticed that there is not even a single person around us, somehow the streets have gone back to being empty and when I finally let him go, I close my eyes for a moment and swear that I can hear teardrops somewhere in the distance. But when I open them again, the weather is still the same and the sun is shining so brightly, even though it's late in the afternoon and I know it will set soon, but it actually makes me feel too hot in my black shirt. Stefan doesn't seem even slightly bothered by it and he is not even sweating in my brown sweater and his long jeans. Somehow that seems strange to me, but I decide not to question it-the weather was always so messed up here, anyway.
"Come on, we have to go inside, there isn't much time" Stefan says as he puts his hand on my arm again and starts guiding me to the door
"Much time for what?" I ask confused and he just smiles back at me as he pushes the door and leads me inside.
"You will see" he says patiently and I let him start pulling me between the shelves, showing me how he did this or that, or that it took him a month to paint the back wall and then to bring all the furniture.
Some of the things he did himself and asked Tyler to help him carry them. Getting in business was hard, but he used my old connections and Bonnie helped convince the publishing companies that they should work with us.
"Here, that is my Christmas present!" he says enthusiastically as he pulls out a small package wrapped in blue paper from under the desk, after he showed me how he taught himself how to deal with everything from counting all the profit to ordering the newest books on the market and putting them on the shelves before any of the other stores have even heard of them.
I notice a Degree from the Georgia State university with his name on it, on the wall behind the desk. My eyes water, but he doesn't notice it. My heart swells with joy at the sight of it and I observe him shifting nervously before me as he passes by the gift and slightly blushes
"Merry Christmas, Damon."
"Stefan" I say with my shaky voice "I-I, you didn't need to" I start trying to say something because I'm still too overwhelmed by the degree hanging from the wall and the bright young man standing before me who still looks like a child to me to even realize that this whole thing is probably not even real. I would still relive it a thousand times if I could-it was that great.
All I ever wanted for Stefan was to be happy, successful, to have a good job and to do something he enjoys. But most of all I wanted him to be happy. And that's how he seemed right now.
"Come on, look at it, I don't even know if you'll like this." his voice is worried again, so I hurry to smile and unwrap the paper, trying to assure him that everything's alright. My eyes water again when I see the book-it's an old edition of "Gone with the Wind" , my favorite book. I didn't even know if he remembers me saying this, but he obviously did if he chose it. My hands shake for a moment before I look back at him and he still wonders if he did the right thing "What? Is this not your favorite book? It took me months to get this edition. It's one of the first! They send it all the way from California for me!" he explains as if he's trying to justify his actions, as if he's done something wrong
"Stefan, are you kidding me?" I say my voice trembling with enthusiasm "This is the best gift I've ever received!" I raise my voice and he finally relaxes, letting a relieved sigh out. I throw myself in his embrace and hug him tight, pulling him closer to my chest and keeping him there as if I'm afraid he'll disappear "Thank you so much, brother!"
"Dam-on" he whimpers out "I can't….breathe!" he says and I laugh as I finally let him go, not without ruffling his hair. "I'm very glad you like it. I only wanted to make you happy" he says simply and I shake my head
"I don't need a book to make me happy, Stefan. It's enough that you are here. I've missed you too much" I admit and he smiles for a brief moment before he goes back to being serious and puts his hand on my shoulder for the third time today
"Come on now, it's time we go." he states again and grabs my hand, pushing me towards the end of the bookstore, near the stairs leading to the rooftop. It was our favorite place ever since we found the building.
"Why? What's wrong?" I ask, concerned that he is suddenly in such a hurry
"Nothing's wrong, we're just out of time. It will be okay" he promises, as he starts leading me upstairs and urges me to be faster.
When we finally end up in the roof, it's just about sunset and the rays are bathing the roof in a beautiful mix of orange and red, making it look like a fairytale. Stefan seems somehow stunned just as me for a moment and we stand still for a few minutes, just observing the beauty of the sky before us, enjoying the moment that we are sharing together. I almost forget that his hand is holding my wrist and when he pulls me to the edge of the roof, at first I am scared, but he laughs and sits down, patting the empty space next to him, urging me to join him.
"Stefan" I turn to him and notice him still staring at the sky "What is going on?" I ask desperately looking for the truth "This isn't real, why are were here?"
"We are here, brother" he starts talking slowly after he sighs "because it's time you remembered what you promised me" he looks at me for a moment and his green eyes are reflecting the sunrays, making him look younger. Somehow now, he doesn't look that big to me, nor does he appear so strong. Was it only temporary? Or is it just an illusion in my head? "You said that you'll fight, that you'll do everything you can to come back to me and it's time that this happened" he explains, but I am still as confused as before
"But I want to go back!" I protested and with a sad smile on his face he shakes his head
"I know you do, but you did have some things to sort out on your own, didn't you?" he asks and I shrug as I follow his lead and look at the sky as well "You had your doubts" he speaks out "Why? Why are you doubting your coming back?"
"Because…maybe this all happened for a reason" I decide to be honest with him "Maybe I was supposed to end up alone and sick. Maybe I was supposed to die. Maybe nothing I ever did actually mattered in the first place." I feel his hand on my shoulder, but he waits for me to finish, because he knows there's more to it "And maybe, my mother should've left me instead of you. She sacrificed everything for a waste like me."
"Well that's a pretty lame excuse" Stefan cuts me off with half-serious half-joking voice, but when I look at him his eyebrows are furrowed "Damon, you do realize that you're being selfish just like me when I tried to kill myself? There are people waiting for you down there. What about Bonnie? Have you thought what will happen to her if you never come back? Trust me, you don't want to know, because I've seen it and it's not pretty" I wonder how he knows. Was he in another dream where I was dead? Or is this all just my messed up imagination playing with me "And me? Have you wondered what will happen to me?" I shake my head and he sighs "I die, brother" he explains sadly and I swallow hard at his words, refusing to believe them "I die. Just a few months after the surgery you never woke up from."
"How?" I ask, wondering why I'm even torturing myself with the question
"It doesn't matter how. It just happens. And guess what? We won't end up in the same place, because you're still not dead."
"So now what?" I ask and he smiles reassuringly as he stands up and I wonder what is going on
"Now, it's time you go back" he says. I want to stand up too, but he shakes his head and puts his hand on my shoulder, keeping me down "Close your eyes, brother" he urges me, but I don't follow his lead right away
"Stefan, is everything alright down there? Is Bonnie fine? Are you okay? Are you healthy?" I ask and he kneels down for a moment, which is the first time I notice a red stain on his arm
"Everything's fine, brother" he assures "Bonnie is waiting for you and so am I" he promises and he looks sincere, but I can't help but feel that something isn't right here "Now close your eyes" he says again and I finally comply, his arm is on my shoulder, not leaving me "Relax, it will be okay" he continues soothing me, he doesn't let me go "I'm here, I'll always be here" he assures me and I finally start to relax.
I can hear the raindrops again as well as the strong wind. It has nothing to do with the peaceful weather I've witnessed before Stefan appeared. I start feeling different, like something is pulling me down and I know that something is about to happen. It's like I'm in the midst of a great storm, but I don't open my eyes, I can't, I am scared and if it wasn't for Stefan's voice in my ear, I would've freaked out completely
"Let go, brother. Let go" he whispers one last time and I feel as if I'm losing my balance, I am no longer on the roof, I started falling and I am about to scream.
But the next thing I know is that I open my eyes and I feel something choking me-it takes me a few seconds to realize that there's a tube in my mouth and I gasp out, crying for someone to free me from this. My body hurts, everything hurts and the monitors beeping somewhere above me make my head throb.
I see a figure jump somewhere on my left side and it takes me a minute to focus and realize that it's Bonnie. She gasps my name before she hits a button and soon after that a nurse and a doctor rush in my room.
Stefan's POV
I wake up abruptly and feel someone's hand on my forehead. I'm still in the bed in the infirmary, that I can tell and it's probably almost day because I can't see light coming from the window. The hand is pressing a wet cloth on my forehead and I hear the nurse's soothing voice.
"Hey, shhh, lie back down" she puts her hand on my healthy arm and pushes me back to the pillow. I don't even know why I was trying to stand up in the first place, it must've been an instinct. I open my eyes wide and she removes her hand away, but she doesn't waste any time to grab a light from the small metal table full of medical supplies next to us and flash it in my eyes. I groan frustrated and turn my head away "Hey, hey it's alright" she says
"What happened?" I ask confused.
Last thing I remember is that she denied giving me morphine. She said I'm doing it not because I can't handle the pain, but because something happened and I'm rushing into reckless decisions that could affect my entire life. She was right of course. But I just wanted to forget everything that Bonnie said to me, as well as the fact that my brother was still in a comma.
I just wanted to make it all go away. That's why I used alcohol and cigarettes in situations like this before, but something told me drugs would make it even better. She was right though-it wasn't worth it and it definitely won't be something to make Damon proud. He would hate me turning into a junkie. All he ever wanted was for me to keep fighting, no matter what.
"Your infection spread last night." she explains patiently as she sits back down on the bed next to me. She seems concerned and she's definitely lacked sleep. I remember that she told me her name was Emma and I tried recalling last night, but I couldn't "When I came to check on you, you were barely breathing" she huffed as if I annoyed her on purpose and that almost made me laugh. She reminded me of Bonnie "You scared the hell out of me, don't do it again!" she scolded and I smiled, but even that caused me some pain. I looked at my arm and grunted when I tried moving into a more comfortable position "We cut off the infected flesh and gave you antibiotics so you should be better by tomorrow, but please, don't try standing up or doing anything stupid!" she warns as if she could read my mind
"You should've left me to die" I say with such indifference in my voice that it obviously surprises her "There's no point to this anyway"
"You really shouldn't be talking like that" she says more mildly, but I know she's angry at my words "You're still young, there is a lot out there for you"
"No, there's not. My brother is half dead and he'll probably never wake up again, the last girlfriend I had was my foster sister, my best friend died more than a year ago and the only one I have now is better off without me. I have no parents, no one in the world really." I say, but she somehow refuses to believe it. She takes away the washcloth from my head and dips it in the cool water from the bowl on the table next to the bed.
"This is obviously not the first time you think like this" she notes as she places the cloth back on my forehead and nods at the scars on my wrists. I smile and shake my head
"No, but I did this out of selfishness. I was afraid of how I'll feel when I lose someone close to me. Now there's nothing to lose, nothing to be selfish for." I tell her, but she doesn't give me a sympathetic look, I can see that she's still angry.
She leaves me for a moment and goes to check on the other boys in the infirmary. I stare at the windows opposite of me, it's dawn, the day is almost here.
Another day without Damon, another day I face alone. Just as always, it was never any different. I sigh as I close my eyes so my tears won't spill and remember having a dream with my big brother.
But I can't recall what it is exactly.
Some time later, Emma comes back to my bed. Her eyebrows are still furrowed, she's angry while she changes the bandage on my arm, which looks awful, as if someone cut half of it, which is probably exactly what happened. She doesn't give me morphine. She doesn't even try to lie and tell me everything's going to be okay. She mumbles something angrily under her nose while she cleans away my wound and I almost want to laugh at my own stupidity. Maybe I should've never tried to jump that fence. Then again, how could I not do it-I had to get to my brother and say my goodbyes. And I didn't even manage to get in time and do that.
"Keep on fighting, kiddo" Emma says when she finishes my bandage and pulls the blanket closer to me "If not living for yourself, live for someone else until you figure things out. I'm sure there's at least one person you owe that to." she whispers before she goes and I try to smile as I feel myself drifting away
Damon's POV
Bonnie waits patiently in the corner still as stunned and surprised as I first opened my eyes. The doctors are almost done checking up on me and removing all the unnecessary tubes from my body. Some of them still remain and when I try to scratch my head, they rush to stop me, because there is a big bandage tightened there, one that I shouldn't be touching.
When they are done, Bonnie rushes by my side and throws herself in my embrace. I hold her in my arms for a while, I am so glad to be here, I kiss her as if it's the last time I'm ever going to see her and I refuse to let her go, so I make her lie down next to me and she covers us with the blanket. I am smiling, happy to be here, I can't believe that I've been in a comma for a week. I must've missed so much, but still, I am glad to be back. I can't remember exactly what was the last thing I dreamed about, but I think it involved Stefan and since I had no idea what's going on with him, after a long conversation with Bonnie about my condition, I hurry to ask her about my brother.
"He's fine, he's in the orphanage" she reassures and I let a relieved sigh out. The doctors said I should rest as much as I could and not stress out, but I couldn't help it-Stefan always worried me so much, I need to know that he is alright.
"I want to call him" I say with my still-hoarse-voice. I finally got back to the living, I survived cancer and all I wanted was for him to be here. Now that I was alright, I could start getting better and better and eventually, I would take him home and adopt him if everything goes fine. Now, at least, we had a chance. A chance for a better life. And I owed it to him to give him as much as I could.
"It's late now, Damon. Why don't you wait until tomorrow so we can call Ric and let him arrange it?" she says worriedly "It's way pass midnight."
I know she's right and I don't want to argue with her, but I still look at the cupboard next to the bed and wonder where my phone is. I want to grab it and call the secret cell we gave Stefan, if he still had that or at least try the orphanage's number, but Bonnie reminds me that I need to get rest, to sleep, so that tomorrow they can make more tests and determine the rest of my treatment.
I know that she was right-I wasn't supposed to rush this, but the fact that Stefan wasn't next to me, that I couldn't see him with my own eyes, worried me. We've never been separated for that long unless when he was in juvie and back then I didn't know anything about him at all. I missed him now. One part of my life was Bonnie, the other was Stefan and he was still young and so very confused-he needed me. God knows what's been going on in the orphanage, I didn't like him being there.
So, when I noticed Bonnie growing more and more tired, I suggested that she goes back home. With many persuasions, she finally agreed after an hour of us arguing about it, which completely exhausted me and I was left all alone, which for a moment, really scared me. I tried standing up and finding my phone, but I was still very weak, so instead I called the nurse and she said that it must still be in my jacket pocket, which was in the wardrobe. I asked her to check and she brought it to me, leaving me alone to make my call.
I tried the phone I got Stefan, but there was no answer. The orphanage's number was a dead end too-no one picked up. So with a heavy heart I was left with no choice but to call Ric.
"Hello?" I heard his sleepy voice and I hated myself for waking him up
"Hey, Ric, this is Damon, I am sorry for the late call" I apologized and I heard him obviously standing up and trying to turn on some lamp, which resulted in him hitting something and cursing under his nose
"Damon? You woke up?" he said optimistically and I smiled. He was not a bad person, he was just too tired of dealing with Stefan and the problems he created. He asked me a thousand things and it took me five minutes to explains that I am alright now, or at least that's what the doctor's said. I felt better too, that was for sure. There was no headache, I was just very tired and the bandage on my head annoyed me, but I couldn't do anything about it.
"Hey, look, can you please find a way to call Stefan and let me talk to him? I've been trying the orphanage, but no one is picking up and I really want to tell him the good news myself" I say, enthusiastically, hoping that he'll fix things and find Stefan for me.
But the long pause he makes, suddenly makes me swallow hard-something here wasn't alright. And the fact that he let a heavy sigh out before he spoke up, was only a confirmation of my suspicions
"I'm afraid that's impossible, Damon" he says after taking the time to comprehend a decent sentence
"Why?" I ask, growing even more frustrated
"Didn't Bonnie tell you?" he asks and I shake my head even though he can't really see me "Stefan's back in juvie. He ran away from the orphanage on the day of your surgery and came to see you. Later when we got there, we searched him and we found him carrying drugs."
"Stefan? Drugs? No way, he would never do that!" I hurried to protect Stefan, but I didn't realize that it was already too late for that. I knew my brother, he wouldn't go out there and deal with drugs. That made no sense. He wouldn't just suddenly decide it. Even if it was true, there had to be a reason behind his actions.
"I know you think you understand this boy, but trust me-he can surprise you when you least expect it" Ric says and suddenly I am full of hatred towards him and the entire system.
They had no hope in him, they never really believed in him. That's one of the reasons why he was so ruined-there was no one out there to give a damn about what or why something has happened.
"I have to go, Ric" I say and hung up without giving him the chance to say anything else.
I don't want to hear his stupid explanations about how everything is Stefan's fault. It's true-Stefan carrying drugs was awful and yes, I was so mad at him right now, but I had to remember that he was a boy and that Ric was wrong-I knew him. He wouldn't do that just for the fun of it. He would only do it, because he was desperate.
And he was desperate, because of me. I was the reason for it. Now, I had to fix it.
I called the nurse again and she came rushing in, ready to help me
"What can I do for you, Mr. Salvatore?" she asks with a smile on her face.
"How soon can you discharge me?"