"Miss Kazinsky, would you tell the court how long you had known the defendant prior to the alleged incident?" Donnelly asked Jay.
Jay swallowed. She could feel the acid building in her stomach, and was grateful that Sarah had reminded her to take her ulcer medication that morning.
"About seven months," she said, glad to hear that her voice came out fairly strong. She hated to think that she might come across weak in front of Katarina … Erica, it turned out her name was. She could barely bring herself to look at her, but she knew she was watching her closely, and she wanted her to think … to realize … that she had moved on. That she had the most wonderful girlfriend in the world. She looked over at Sarah, and saw her open, loving, beautiful face, and she felt calmer. More centered. "She was my girlfriend. At least I thought she was."
"And what happened that evening?"
Jay looked again at Sarah. She took a deep breath. "I went over to her apartment. I didn't go there often, she preferred to come to my place. But I was in the neighborhood. She was so angry. I could tell she was angry. Her eyes … sometimes, when she was pissed … she had that look."
"What look?" Donnelly's tone was kind.
"Icy. But she pretended not to be pissed, she pulled herself together fast. I just thought she had had a bad day. So we had a drink. And then … then … she," Jay took deep breaths to calm herself. She sat up straight, looking Katarina/Erica straight in the eye. "Then she forced me into the bedroom, and assaulted me."
"I know this is difficult," Donnelly said. "What form did the assault take?"
"She raped me," Jay said bluntly. "She pushed me against the wall, and raped me. Vaginally. Using her fingers," she felt own voice shaking, and her eyes searched out Sarah.
"And what happened next?"
"I heard the door slam. So I assumed she had gone out. I collapsed on the bed. I felt like I had lost everything. After about ten minutes, I knew I had to get out of there. But then," she felt sick, "then I felt a rope being pulled around my wrist. Before I knew what had happened, I was tied to the bed. Face down." She could feel the tears streaming down her face, but could do nothing to stop them. She looked up, and saw Katrina/Erica. The insolent expression on her face was almost more than she could bear. She looked away, and again fixed her eyes on her lover. Sarah. The woman who loved her. She could feel her heart rate start to stabilize. She took a deep breath. "There was a flashlight on the night stand. One of those metal ones. Small. About two-and-a-half, maybe three centimeters in diameter. She used it to rape me anally. She was crazed. I've never felt pain like it."
"How long did the assault last?"
"On and off for about three hours. She kept coming back. I'd think it was all over, and then it would start up again," Jay tried to control her breathing. She had practised this with Donnelly, over and over again.
"And then?"
"I must have passed out. The pain was incredible. The next time I woke up, she was gone, and my left hand had been untied. I managed to free my other hand and my feet, and I escaped."
"Where did you go?"
"Home."
"And you didn't go to a hospital? A doctor?"
"I felt … ashamed I guess. I knew it wasn't my fault, but deep down, I felt … dirty. Embarrassed. Humiliated. I just wanted to disappear. I tried to shut it out."
"You did think to take photographs? In the mirror?" Donnelly prompted.
Jay nodded. "It was kinda like I was on autopilot. I kept the reel of film in the refrigerator."
"Reel of film? Isn't that unusual today?"
"I'm an amateur photographer. I prefer film. Digital cameras aren't the same."
"Yet you didn't develop the photographs?"
"I couldn't bring myself to. I wanted to block it out. All of it. I couldn't face it. I didn't want to deal with it."
"So what did you do?"
"Nothing. I went on. I hid my bruises carefully, and I carried on."
"Until?"
"Until I developed an ulcer. I got so sick a friend stepped in. She called my father, and he took me home with him. I took a month off work then."
"Did you tell her about the assault? Did you discuss it with your father?"
"I couldn't," Jay could see the anguished look on Sarah's face. "They just thought I had had a bad break-up. Though my friend, Vanessa, she had guessed it was something much worse. But she respected my privacy."
"So when did you decide to start talking about it?"
Jay looked at Sarah again. Sarah smiled at her. "I love you," she mouthed.
"Two years later. When I met my girlfriend. I had told myself I'd never risk falling in love again."
"You considered yourself in love with the defendant?"
Jay nodded. "I had thought I was. I know now I wasn't. Not really. I was infatuated. But real love... I know now it's two-way. It's beautiful," she could see Sarah's eyes glittering with emotion. "So when I met my girlfriend, I had to tell her. It was too big a secret. I didn't want to hide it from her."
"And when did you tell her?"
"When we got together, almost two years ago."
"Yet you still didn't contact the police?"
"I couldn't. I know now I should have. Maybe it would have stopped her from assaulting others. I wish I had," she looked directly at Katarina/Erica. "I wish I had stopped you. I should have stopped you."
"So how is it that you are here today?" Donnelly guided her back to their prepared script.
"The police started interviewing her former girlfriends. She had put my apartment down as her place of residence."
"Did she live with you?"
Jay shook her head. "No. Thank God. Turns out she didn't want creditors to catch up with her. I found that out afterward … when I discovered she had emptied my bank account."
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When Sarah's father had died, and she had had to confront her feelings about him — about him raping her mother and destroying her family — she had thought she could never feel worse that she did at that moment. Sitting in the court room, watching Jay — her lover, her soulmate — talk about her ordeal, she realized that witnessing the pain of the one you love is so much worse than suffering yourself. She wanted to hold her, to reassure her, to make it all go away. She wanted to stand up and scream in the court for all the lawyers, police, everyone, to just leave her alone. But she knew that would only make it worse. Jay was holding it together. Just. Sarah was so proud, watching her beautiful, honest, kind, loving girlfriend giving her testimony.
Jay had answered all of Donnelly's questions evenly; she had given details of the assaults, and provided details of Katarina/Erica's theft of her money. When the defense attorney stood up to cross-examine Jay, Sarah thought she might pass out with the anxiety. It was at that moment, she felt Alex take her hand between her own, and gently squeeze her fingers.
As it turned out, the defense attorney had few questions. He could see that tearing into this innocent victim would only further antagonize the jury. The photographs that Jay had taken had been passed around the jury, to audible gasps of horror.
Eventually, after what seemed like days, but in reality was only an hour and twenty-three minutes, Jay was allowed to step down. Sarah stood up to leave the court with her, and it was only then that she got a really good view of Katarina/Erica. She frightened herself with the depth of feeling that she had. She had never before really known hatred; she realized, for the first time, that if it came to it, if the woman ever threatened Jay again, she could kill her. Without hesitation. The thought made her feel sick. She understood, for the first time, why some families were so keen on the death penalty.
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Jay walked out of the court a few seconds before Sarah, who left by a different door. Her father levered himself to his feet, and opened his arms to his daughter. Jay stepped into his warm embrace. She knew he couldn't stand for long without help, so she held him up physically, while he did the same thing for her mentally.
Sarah stood back, watching her lover commune with her father. After about two minutes, during which neither of them spoke, Jay pulled back and helped her father back into his wheelchair.
Joe was crying openly, and Jay kissed him on the cheek. "It's over Pop. It's over, Daddy." She turned and looked at Sarah, her heart filling with emotion. She took two steps toward her, and buried herself in her arms.
Sarah's embrace was warm and comforting. The feel of her, the scent of her, the strength and softness of her arms were nearly Jay's undoing. Sarah rocked her gently, murmuring lovingly to her.
Eventually, Jay pulled back just enough so that she could look deep into Sarah's eyes. She kissed her very softly.
"Home?" Sarah suggested quietly.
"I'll drive you," Alex said. Nobody had noticed her quietly exiting the court room.
"I've got the car," Sarah's voice was shaking.
"Then give me the keys. I'm driving you," Alex was firm. "I'll get a cab back from your apartment."
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"You look shattered," Sarah said gently to her girlfriend.
Jay's white face looked back at her. She nodded.
"Is your stomach bothering you?" Sarah asked. She knew that stress was bad for Jay's already sensitive gut.
"A bit," Jay replied, honestly. She had promised Sarah that she would be honest with her throughout this whole ordeal.
"You go sit, I'll bring you a glass of milk."
Jay slumped exhaustedly on the couch. She felt cold, exhausted and miserable. But she had done it. She had given her testimony. Even if what she had said made no difference to Katarina/Erica's sentence, she had forced her to be accountable for her actions. Olivia had been right. Knowing that justice would be done – even just confronting her attacker, though she had hated doing it – it made her feel better. She had made a stand.
Sarah was by her side a few minutes later. She handed her a glass of milk, and a hot water bottle. She disappeared for a moment, returning almost immediately with the quilt from their bed and a soft pillow. She watched as Jay drank her milk, and then helped her to settle on the couch, pulling the quilt over her and tucking her in lovingly. "I'm going to make dinner," she said. "I'll just be in the kitchen if you need anything."
Jay nodded, and turned into the pillow, exhaustion overtaking her. She felt Sarah's hand brush lightly through her hair, and her lips on her forehead. "I love you," Sarah whispered.
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"Liv? Are you okay to pick up Lily?" Alex sounded anxious.
"I'm leaving right now," Olivia reassured her. "Are you okay, honey?"
"I'm fine. I promised to give Joe a ride home. Vanessa had to go back to the coffee shop. He said he'd get a cab, but ..."
"You go, Alexandra. We'll be fine. How is he?"
"He's … just like you'd expect, I guess. He insisted on going back in, once Jay had given her testimony. Says he wants to be there every minute. I just want to help if I can."
Olivia could hear the tension in Alex's voice. They had both become very fond of Joe and Vanessa, who were so important to Jay. They viewed Jay as an integral part of their family, so her ordeal affected them all deeply. Olivia knew that, although she hadn't directly said it, Alex would also be there for every moment of the trial. So she wanted to do all she could to make that possible for her.
"Send him my love, huh?" Olivia said. "And if you need to stay with him for a while, that's fine. Lily and I will be okay together. We'll see you whenever; just text as you're leaving, so I know where you are."
Alex smiled. Olivia was always thinking of her safety. "I will," she promised.
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If possible, Jay looked worse than before when she woke. She was white as milk, and her hands were trembling. She rammed them in her pockets as she stood and made her way shakily to the kitchen.
Sarah looked up and smiled. "You want to try and eat something?"
Jay lowered herself into a chair. "I don't know," she admitted. "I'm not feeling great."
Sarah put a soft hand on her shoulder. "Maybe later," she said.
Jay nodded, but she could feel her stomach turning. She felt a warm flush throughout her body, following by icy cold. She knew she was going to be sick. "I …," she swallowed, and stood up abruptly, her hand clamped over her mouth. She bolted to the bathroom, slamming the door shut as she collapsed in front of the toilet bowl, retching uncontrollably.
Sarah knocked softly on the door, trying not to grimace at the noises she heard. "Jay?" she called. "Can I come in?"
"jus' give me a minute," Jay gasped, as her stomach erupted once more.
Normally, Sarah would have ignored her and followed her in. But she knew that, today, it was more important than ever that Jay's wishes should be followed. She couldn't bear to take an iota of control away from her. So she stood, helpless, outside the door, in agony as she heard Jay heaving painfully.
It was a full ten minutes later that Jay fell silent. Sarah knocked again. Silence. "Jay?" she called. "I'm worried about you, baby. I just want to help." Still silence. "Jay? I'm going to come in. Let me know if that's not alright."
"s'okay," Jay's weak voice came at last.
Sarah opened the door carefully, and was distraught to see Jay huddled in the corner of the room, half propped up against the wall, her breath coming in short gasps. Her face was a mask of misery, as she tried to recover herself.
Sarah knelt next to her.
"I need a clean shirt," Jay said weakly.
"I know, sweetheart," Sarah cupped her chin, wiping away a tear from her cheek. "I have a better idea. Let's get you in the tub, huh? And then you can get into bed. You're exhausted, Jay. I know you've hardly been sleeping. Maybe I can hold you while you sleep? Can I do that?"
Jay nodded; she tried to lever herself to her feet, but her limbs were like jelly. Sarah helped her to stand, and set her on the closed toilet seat. She grabbed her robe from the back of the door, and wrapped it round her shoulders. She started to fill the tub. "We'll get you nice and warm real soon," she reassured her lover. She knelt down by her, putting both hands on her knees. "It's over, sweetheart. You did it. You were so brave." She didn't bother to hide the tears in her own eyes.
Sarah guided Jay into the tub, pleased that she was letting her help her. She washed her gently, whispering soothing noises into her ear. Jay's head kept jerking forward as she struggled to stay awake.
Ten minutes later, Jay was sitting on the edge of the bed in her boxers. Sarah eased her into a loose-fitting t-shirt. She cupped her cheek, and leant forward, kissing her very softly on the lips. "How do you feel now, sweetheart?" she asked.
Jay nodded. She leant into Sarah's front, feeling Sarah's arms wrap around her. "Sorry," she mumbled.
Sarah smiled. "You need to sleep," she whispered.
"Don't leave me," Jay pleaded.
"I'm not going anywhere," she guided her down on the mattress. Swiftly, she stripped off her own clothes, donning a button-down nightshirt. She slid into bed next to Jay, gathering her into her arms. "You did it, Jay. You did it. You were amazing."
Jay had started to shake. "I don't feel amazing," she mumbled, trying to blink back tears.
Sarah kissed her on the forehead as Jay snuggled into her neck. "Let it go," she whispered. "You don't have to be brave with me. You don't have to bottle it up. I know everything now, so you don't have to protect me," she felt Jay take a shuddering breath. "It's okay. I can take it, Jay. I want to be here for you. Remember what the counselor said? Let it out, my darling," she felt Jay's trembling worsen. "Let it out. You're safe now."
Jay let out a low, almost feral moan, as she clutched tight to Sarah. All of her emotions flooded over her, and she could no longer keep herself under control. Her weeping was intense, her whole body wracked with misery. Sarah had never heard such anguished wails before, but she knew Jay needed to let it all out. Jay's grip on Sarah was almost bruising, as she clutched desperately at her, drawing strength from her love.
Sarah held her calmly, knowing that the torment would eventually end, and she would be her Jay again. She whispered loving nonsense to her, and rocked her in her arms, hoping she could bring some calm to her.
Jay wept for hours, soaking them both with her tears. Her head pounded mercilessly, but still she couldn't stop. Every emotion that she had tried to suppress came bursting out, and she clung to Sarah as if to a life preserver; her only stability.
It was after 3am when her weeping eventually slowed. Sarah kissed her softly. "I'll be right back," she promised, as she slid out of bed. She returned within a minute, bearing a glass of water and some tablets. "You need to take this," she raised Jay a little in the bed, passing her her ulcer medication. "And these," she then held out two Tylenol. She went over to the dresser and pulled out fresh nightclothes for them both. "Sit up for me a little. Good girl," she eased the dry t-shirt over her head. She stood up and stripped off her own nightshirt, reaching out for the dry garment.
"No," Jay mumbled. She reached out for her hand, pulling her back to the bed. With a shaking hand, she caressed a plump breast. "Please?"
Sarah knew immediately what she meant. She slid back under the covers, adjusting herself so that Jay was once again in her lap. Jay closed her lips around her plump nipple; Sarah could feel the tension start to dissipate from her exhausted body. She held Jay close, watching over her for hours as she finally drifted off in the arms of the woman who meant the world to her. Periodically, Jay jerked awake, but Sarah soothed her back to sleep, cradling her like a baby. "It's all over," she whispered, over and over. "You did it, sweetheart. We can look to the future now."
Sarah had already decided that she would persuade Jay to allow the doctor to visit on the following day. She also hoped that her lover would agree to a week's sick leave from work. She would take the week as vacation herself, so that she could watch over her. Jay was so vulnerable, but she had been so brave. Sarah knew she would be okay. Her lover would recover. And that was all that mattered.
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Alex heard noises coming from the bathroom, and smiled to herself. She glanced at her watch. It was a little late for Lily's bath, but she bet that Olivia had delayed it slightly in the hope that Alex would get home in time.
Alex shrugged off her suit jacket, and pulled her shirt out from the waistband of her pants. She shook her hair loose, as she approached the bathroom. All the tension of the day dissipated at the sight of Olivia and their baby girl, both laughing at the bubbles Olivia was trying to blow. Olivia looked up. "Hey, Lily, look who's here?"
Lily grinned. "Mommy! Do bubbles!"
Alex knelt by the bath. She put a soft hand behind Olivia's head and drew her into a deep kiss. She pulled back and smiled at their daughter. "So Mama's bubbles aren't good enough?" she teased.
"Mommy does best bubbles," Lily pronounced firmly. She was delighted to have both her mothers in the bathroom with her.
"Hear that Liv? It seems I'm the best," Alex grinned.
Olivia smiled. "I already knew that, Alexandra."
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Alex came out of Lily's room after settling her for the night. She walked into the kitchen, accepting the glass of wine that Olivia held out to her. "Something smells good," she said.
"Chicken chasseur. Slow-cooked, just how you like it."
"You're too good to me," Alex felt her eyes fill with tears.
"Was it awful?" Olivia asked gently.
"Yeah," Alex admitted. "I thought I'd be hardened to it. Jay was so brave, Liv. So was Sarah."
"Eat," Olivia put a plate on the table in front of her. "And then you should sleep."
Alex reached out and placed her hand over Olivia's. "I don't want to sleep," she said, in a quiet voice. "I want you, Liv. All day, I just kept thinking about you. About how lucky I am to have you."
"I'm the lucky one," Olivia said softly. She sipped at her own wine, watching as Alex ate. Alex had not missed one day of the trial, and she knew it was taking a toll on her. But she completely understood why she wanted to be there. One day, Jay – or Sarah – might ask questions, and Alex was the only one with the knowledge to answer fully. And, quite apart from her legal expertise, Alex felt she needed to be there. For Jay, for Sarah. For Joe.
When Alex had finished her dinner, Olivia took her wordlessly by the hand. She led her to the bathroom where, by mutual unspoken consent, they both undressed and got into the shower. They held each other lovingly under the water, letting the hot water wash away the tensions of the day.
In the warm bedroom, Alex shed her towel, smiling as Olivia followed her example. "I swear you get more beautiful each day," Alex whispered, as she stepped into Olivia's embrace. She kissed Olivia softly, smiling as she heard Olivia whimpering with pleasure. Alex walked Olivia backwards toward the bed, guiding her lovingly onto the soft mattress. "Oh Liv," Alex breathed as she stepped back and took in the sight of all of her. She felt her own nipples tightening as she gazed. She stepped forward and got onto the bed, one knee either side of Olivia's thighs. She kissed her deeply, with passion and intensity, her desire ratcheting up sharply at the sensation.
Olivia moaned into the kiss, bringing up her hands to cup Alex's perfect ass, pulling her down onto her, so that their bodies molded themselves against each other. They made out for long minutes, their hips starting unwittingly to rock as each tried to increase the pressure. Alex ran her hand through Olivia's hair. "It's getting longer," she whispered.
"I'll get it cut," Olivia bit out as Alex's hand reached for her breast, her fingers rolling the nipple sharply.
"I like it," Alex's voice started to shake. "Oh God, Olivia," her emotions were so close to the surface. She leant down and captured a swollen nipple in her hot mouth. She suckled and teased, her tongue toying expertly with the stiff bud.
Olivia arched up into her, gasping with desire. Alex could bring her to the very edge so quickly, her tongue, her fingers, every part of her combining to make her almost painfully aroused.
Alex continued her attentions to her breast, smiling as Olivia's movements became less controlled. The noises Olivia was making drove Alex crazy with desire. Clearly, she was not the only one who had been thinking of her lover all day. She released her breast with an audible pop, laughing at the groan of disappointment that Olivia emitted. Alex kissed Olivia again, her tongue thrusting demandingly.
"Lex," Olivia panted. "Lex … I can't … oh sweet Lord," she felt Alex's hand travel down her body and gently guide her legs apart. "I'm … oh Alexandra. I can't wait," Alex's fingers worked her expertly. She was so wet. "Baby, I'm ..."
"Just relax," Alex said huskily, her own desire almost at a peak. "I want to watch. I'm close too, baby. So close," she guided Olivia's hand to her own center, laughing at Olivia's reaction to the hot wetness she encountered. She kissed her again.
Olivia was almost incoherent with lust. She loved it when they faced each other. She pulled herself into a half-sitting position, holding Alex to her so that they were effectively sitting in each other's laps. "Oh Lex," Olivia whispered. She leant forward, and kissed a pink nipple so tenderly that Alex thought she was going to come. Her tongue flicked out and encircled the dusky bud. She put a hand behind Alex's head and pulled her to her; their kiss was passionate, and neither of them wanted it to end.
The need for oxygen eventually drove them slightly apart, and they both laughed at the desire they could see in each other. They kissed again, starting to rock in each other's arms. Alex's fingers found their way to Olivia's center once more; this time, her actions were firmer, more urgent. Within minutes, Olivia was riding her strong fingers as she started to come undone.
They came together, explosively, their bodies slick with sweat. Alex clung tightly to Olivia as the powerful aftershocks traveled through them both.
Olivia didn't speak afterwards. She knew her lover's emotions were raw, and she also knew that, in a way, their lovemaking was a way for Alex to cleanse her mind of the day's traumas. She held her close, as her breathing slowly evened out. Alex's eyes were closed, and Olivia could see the stresses of the past few weeks in her face. Olivia rocked her very gently, and was happy to feel Alex slip slowly into sleep.
When Olivia was sure that Alex was fully asleep, she lay them both down, still holding Alex close to her. She kissed her softly on the forehead. "I love you, Alexandra," she whispered.