Guidance

Olivia rocks August until she is almost asleep and then puts her gently in her crib. She curls up with the ratty stuffed dog that Eli gave her and which she now refuses to sleep without. Olivia watches as she drifts off with a smile on her tiny face and tries to remember her life before her daughter and husband. It isn't a period to which she wants to return. It wasn't all bad, but there many more lonely nights and bad dates than she cares to think about.

Going back to the kitchen, she pours herself another glass of wine and walks around, turning out lights. She'd really hoped that Declan would come back once he calmed down and had time to think but it's almost 10 pm and it doesn't appear as though it's going to happen. Her chest feels heavy, as if someone has filled her heart with concrete mix and it's slowly turning to stone. The apartment seems so empty without his big, solid presence. She can't begin to imagine what she will do if this is going to be how it is from now on.

In the bedroom, she checks her cell phone once again for messages—nothing. She picks the portable phone up off the cradle and checks the clock. It's late, but what are friends for? She dials the Stabler's number and Kathy picks up on the first ring.

"I told him," Olivia tells her, not bothering with a greeting. "I told him and now he's gone." She bursts into tears again, hard, gut-wrenching sobs that she does her best to stifle so she doesn't wake August and alarm Mariclair.

"Oh, Liv, honey….tell me what happened?" She hears the rustle of sheets and Kathy whispers something in the background. "Is is okay if Elliot listens too?"

Not caring if her partner hears her at her weakest, Olivia sobs out her story and when she is done, Elliot takes the phone from Kathy.

"Liv, don't worry. He just needs time to think…it's what guys do. We go off by ourselves and process. He'll be back, I'm sure of it."

She cries even harder, and hears Elliot pass the phone back to Kathy. "She's still crying," she hears him say, sounding helpless.

"Do you want one of us to come over?" Kathy asks.

"No," Olivia sniffs, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand. She has to pull herself together. "I just needed to talk to someone, I'm sorry; I know it's late…"

"Who cares what time it is?" She hears more rustling and whispers and then Kathy is back. "Talk to me, Liv, tell me again what he said?"

By the time she and Kathy have hashed over the conversation several times, Olivia is feeling better. Elliot is probably right, Declan just needs some time. After an hour, she is calm enough to try to sleep.

"Thank you for listening," she tells Kathy. "At least we don't have to worry that he's going to tell anyone else, he said he wouldn't do that."

"Just give him some time," Kathy tells her for the dozenth time. "He loves you, Liv. He'll be back."

The next morning, Kathy is getting Eli ready to go to day care for a few hours when the phone rings again. Thinking it must be Olivia again, she snatches it up. To her great surprise, it is Declan.

"I'm sure you've talked to Olivia," he begins hesitantly.

"Yes, she called last night," Kathy tells him simply and waits.

"I was wondering…I would really like to talk to you…if I came out to Queens this afternoon, could you meet me somewhere?"

Kathy is momentarily speechless. She did not expect this.

"Well," she stammers as she thinks. Why not? She doesn't know Declan as well as Elliot and Olivia do, but they have always gotten along well. "I'm taking Eli to day care in a few minutes and then I was going to do some grocery shopping. Do you want to meet somewhere for coffee?"

They settle on a coffee shop near the college in an hour. Kathy debates calling Olivia to tell her of this new development and decides it might be better to wait.

"You're not going to believe who just called," she tells Elliot when he comes into the kitchen. He is dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, planning to go out for a long walk when they leave. Every day he has been pushing himself a little harder, and it is paying off when it comes to sleeping. He's had fewer nightmares and shorter bouts of insomnia.

"Who?" he asks, taking a banana from the bowl on the table and peeling it. He's been eating a bit more as well, which makes Kathy feel much better. "Dick forget to bring something to school again?"

"No, it was Declan. He wants to talk to me."

Elliot's eyebrows rise in surprise. "How did he sound?"

"Okay, I guess. Tired, discouraged…not angry."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said I'd meet him for coffee in an hour."

"Do you want me to come with you?' he asks, finishing the banana and tossing the skin in the trash. Eli comes running into the kitchen with his backpack and Elliot bends to carefully pick him.

"No, that's probably not a good idea," Kathy says and Elliot nods in understanding. If Dec is going to be mad at anyone, it is him.

"Are you okay with this? You don't have to meet him."

"I want to," Kathy tells him. "Maybe I can help. I feel terrible for both of them, and face it; it's not likely he can talk to anyone about how he's feeling except one of us. I'm the safest option right now."

Elliot nods and comes over, with Eli in his arms to kiss her. "If anyone can help, it will be you," he tells her. Eli, not wanting to be left out, squirms to give his mother a kiss too. She laughs and puts an arm around both of them, giving them each a kiss on the cheek.

"I just want them to be happy again," she says to Elliot. "Like we are."

Declan is waiting in the coffee shop when Kathy arrives. He is sitting at the table in the corner with a steaming mug in front of him, and looks tired and haggard, with dark circles under his eyes. Kathy waves to let him know she sees him, and goes to the counter to get a cup of chai for herself. Taking it over to his table, she sits opposite him.

"You look like hell," she observes.

He gives a snort of ironic laughter. "I didn't sleep much last night, as you can imagine." He says, picking up a spoon to stir what appears to be black coffee. "After I left the apartment, I drove around for a few hours, and then went to the precinct, but I couldn't sleep. I ended up doing paperwork all night."

Kathy grimaces. "I'm sorry for whatever part we played in all of this," she says softly. "I hope you know that none of us wanted to hurt you. It's just such a….complicated situation."

Declan looks at her now, really looks at her, his green eyes burning with intensity. Kathy can see why Olivia fell for him in the first place; he is an incredibly handsome man and from what she has seen, kind and considerate as well.

"Tell me about it," he observes with a wry smile. They sit there for a moment, and then he asks, "Kathy, how did you…go along with all of this? Was it really your idea to have your husband sleep with Olivia?"

She's been thinking about this since he called, how she will explain what happened. After taking a sip of her chai, she says, "I'll be honest, Dec, it wasn't easy. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, actually."

"Then why did you do it?" He looks at her, clearly confused. She wonders if he blames her for all of this. Liv has obviously told him that she was the one who suggested it.

"Olivia was so unhappy; I'd never seen her like that," Kathy begins. "I know how much my kids mean to me, and I knew that Olivia would be a great mother. She had such a hang-up about having a stranger being the donor; Elliot just seemed the logical choice. When we found out that the Church was against artificial insemination, it seemed like a dead end, and then I thought…why not?" She looks at Declan to see if he is still with her. He is watching her intently, ignoring his cooling cup of coffee.

"They've always been so close, those two…" she muses, "I used to be jealous at first, and then I just accepted that it's how they are. I realized that, if Elliot wanted to be with her instead of me, he had his chance when we were separated, but nothing happened between them. They're more than friends, but not in a romantic way….more like…."

"Dysfunctional brother and sister?" Declan suggests, and Kathy laughs.

"Maybe," she concedes, " or something in between. Anyway, I didn't feel like Olivia was a threat, and I guess that helped. The hardest part was persuading Elliot to do it."

Declan raises his eyes at this, clearly skeptical.

"It's always been important to Elliot that he not be the man his father was," Kathy explains in defense of her husband. "His father…was a bastard. He died before I met Elliot, but I've heard stories. He cheated on his wife and he wasn't a good father. Elliot wanted to be the exact opposite. So when I suggested he sleep with Olivia, he was dead set against it at first."

"What changed his mind?"

Kathy shrugs. "He loves Olivia," she said simply. "He wants her to be happy, we both do."

They sit in silence for a minute or two.

"How does he feel about August now?" Declan asks after a bit.

"What do you mean?" Kathy is puzzled, not sure where he's going.

"Does he consider her his daughter?"

"It's been difficult for him," Kathy admits. "Difficult for both of us, I guess. But he knows that you're a good father and that you love her," Kathy looks Declan directly in the eye as she says this, as if issuing a challenge, " and that's you'll take care of her and Olivia."

"I don't know that Olivia needs anyone to take care of her," he says, almost sadly. "She's one of the strongest women I know."

"Maybe she doesn't need you to," Kathy corrects, "but no one can be strong all of the time, Dec. I've never seen Olivia as happy as she has been over the past two years. She loves you. "

"And I love her," he says hotly, "but I don't know how to get past the fact that she lied to me."

"She did the wrong thing for the right reasons," Kathy tells him softly. "She was trying to protect all of us. It was what we all agreed on."

"I'm afraid that I'll always be wondering what else she isn't telling me," he admits.

"Declan," Kathy says firmly, reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. He looks surprised but lets her do it. "There are no guarantees when it comes to marriage. It's not all butterflies and rainbows and all of that fairy-tale crap. It's hard work, and sometimes you just have to wing it. Elliot and I have been through hell and back, but it's all been worth it, every minute. It's the bad parts that make the good parts so much better."

Declan looks at her in surprise. This is a side of Kathy he's never seen before.

"I know, I sound like an inspirational talk show host," she laughs, releasing his hands and sitting back in her chair.

"No, you're right," he says. "I love Olivia—and August. I can't imagine a life without them."

"You don't have to," Kathy tells him, with a smile. "Forgive Olivia and move on. The three of you have a wonderful life ahead of you."

He nods slowly, a hopeful smile transforming his tired face. "Yes, we do."