Chapter 24: First Step, First Day
{A/N: Here's Another update...late post}
My Thanks To All My Readers and Reviewers...Enjoy-S.S.
The Sitting Room, Spinner's End, Cokeworth, England, Muggle World...
More silence filled the Snape residence, as Hermione sat on the green threadbare sofa with her lover resting his head in her lap as his lengthy body continued to dangle from the cushions due to his height. If he had been uncomfortable he made no mention of it as he continued to rest his weary head upon the amber eyed witch's thighs. His hands would still tremble, as they had at breakfast. Causing the poor wizard more shame in the wake of her discovering his weakness in response to his son's loss and all the other terrible things he'd done in his life. Hermione's soft delicate hands ran through his raven hair as she simply sat finding it necessary to reassure him that she didn't think little of him due to his newly discovered vulnerability.
"It'll be alright Severus." she said softly resting her hand on his back.
He made no sound and continued to lie in the darkness of the room feeling her soft touch and losing himself in it. Her voice was always the only means of comfort he had even when they had gone their separate ways. The image of her kind eyes and the memory of her soft touch saw him through many a dark day over the course of the three months of their divorce. Every whore he'd taken to bed, he'd done so in a bid to chase the memory of the wife he so longed to have back once more.
Sitting in the silent darkness together again, Snape felt a bit of the coldness that threatened to overtake him ebbing away in the wake of the young witch's warmth. He still craved the drink more often than not but she was there with him and made it a point to get him to understand that he was no longer alone in this world, and that she was right there beside him as she always hoped to be.
"I never wanted to be anything like him." said Snape staring out into the semi-lit sitting room ignoring the peaceful setting around him as his weary mind took him back to when the house was occupied by his warring parents and he had been subjected to the tyranny of the drunken brute known as Tobias Snape.
"You are not him." said Hermione still stroking his back with her hand. "You aren't a coward and you've never drew your hand nor your wand to harm me."
"Yet, I ended up becoming a drunkard just like him." said Snape bitterly.
"Severus." said Hermione meaningfully.
"There is nothing you could say that makes this all seem better than what it is." replied Snape still embittered. "I'm a drunk Hermione, and I've only just now admitted to it even to myself."
"At least it's a step in the right direction." said the amber eyed witch. "The first step in seeking help for an an addiction is admitting that you have one."
Snape sighed.
"All the wizards you could have lined at your feet, why in Merlin's name did you choose an old drunk for a husband?" he asked.
"To be fair, your drinking was brought on by stress due to your curious profession as a spy." said Hermione knowing full well when she first noted his frequent habit of taking to the bottle whenever things got to be too difficult to handle. "What happened to our son wasn't your fault and I am very sorry that you ended up seeking comfort in a bottle of firewhiskey instead of coming to speak with me about your feelings."
"Force of habit I suppose." he replied. "I wasn't truly used to having someone to speak with about my unwanted feelings on any subject."
"Well in any case, I don't think any less of you." said Hermione firmly. "You did everything you could to keep us safe."
"It just wasn't enough." replied Snape raising up off the sofa.
"I don't blame you for what happened Severus and you shouldn't blame yourself either." said Hermione getting up as well. "Haven't you suffered enough for the mistakes of your past, why must you always continue to punish yourself for things that are out of your control?"
The raven haired wizard sighed noting how upset she'd been. He didn't like seeing her on the verge of tears even when he was attempting to keep her at a distance.
"I..." he began not truly knowing how to answer her question.
Self-loathing had been a major part of his life since before he could remember. Not being wanted by either of his parents, or accepted in school muggle and wizarding alike made him truly believe that it was his own fault no one cared for him, as if he'd been wrong or broken somehow.
"I don't know." he finished meeting her gaze.
Hermione made her way over toward him wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace.
"I love you." she said as tears began to stream down her supple cheeks. "I love Severus and we'll get through this...all of this together."
"You don't need me." he said unsure if he could put her through all of the previous pain all over again. "You would have been better off just staying at Potter's."
"No." protested Hermione glaring at him firmly. "I am better off here with you and working through this."
"You're a bloody stubborn little chit." said Snape annoyed.
"Yes I am." replied Hermione meeting his obsidian gaze full on. "And I am also in love with a stubborn self-loathing wizard with a poor self image due to years of neglect and orchestrated abuse."
"And you want to have a child with me." he said noting her poor choice in him.
"You're damn right I do." replied Hermione with a fierce flicker behind her amber eyes. "Those people never gave you a chance to be anything before they set out to destroy you Severus, and you've proven them wrong time and time again for not loving you when they had the chance, I am not so foolish as to mistake a diamond for a piece of coal."
"Speaking in metaphors are you now witch?" he asked.
"Whatever it takes to get the message through that thick skull of yours." replied Hermione. "I love you more than you could ever imagine Severus Snape and the fact that you have an illness only makes me want to stick it out and be here for you all the more."
Snape closed his eyes taking a weighted breath.
"So from this moment on it's you and me." she said. "The first step, the first day."
Snape opened his eyes noting how sincere her words had been.
"First step, first day." he said echoing her words in agreement.
The both of them knew all too well that this was going to be an uphill battle, but they were both seasoned combat veterans. One more fight for the good of their relationship wasn't going to break them, But it would certainly make them stronger in the long run. Hermione took the dour wizard by the hand and lead him back up the narrow stairs toward his childhood bedroom content once more to be back in each other's orbit no matter how far they drifted apart over the last three months.