Alicia watched the light flicker in the corner. For some reason she couldn't take her eyes of it. Since she had moved into these quarters with Lee, everything here had worked without failure. The lights never went out when they weren't supposed to – unless they were being attacked by Cylons. It was always the right temperature in the room. The water in the shower never got too hot or too cold all of a sudden. The alarm never failed to go off at the right time. Everything always went right in this room ... while in real life everything seemed to fall apart around her.
"So, how are things going in your marriage?" Brother Cavil asked lightly. He was at his weekly meeting with Alicia. For the last few minutes they had talked about all kind of things, none of them being connected to any of the problems the young woman was troubled with.
"Good. They're good. Lee is back and ... everything is good." Alicia replied, forcing herself to smile at Cavil.
"Good, huh? Sounds like the honeymoon period is over."
"What do you mean?" Alicia asked confused.
"Good doesn't really mean good when it comes to a marriage. Especially if you had just been separated from your husband, not knowing if you would ever see him again. And then there was your abortion, of course."
Alicia froze at his words. She had hoped never to talk about that again. She hadn't touched the subject in any of her conversations with Cavil since she had made her decision and she had hoped he wouldn't either. She should have known he wouldn't drop it forever.
"That's all in the past. Lee and I are focusing on the future. We have a daughter to take care of. We can't waste time brooding over things that can't be changed anymore." She replied, hating how shaken her voice sounded.
"Have you told him?"
"No." She said sharply. She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Lee doesn't need to know. He already has enough problems to worry about, he doesn't need to ... he doesn't need to feel guilty about this."
"You think he would feel guilty? Why?" Cavil asked interested.
"No, he ... He doesn't need to, it 's just ... He always ..." Alicia stammered, not really sure what she should say. Why had she said he would feel guilty? "He did nothing wrong. He didn't even know about the pregnancy, I never got a chance to tell him. But ... I know Lee. He would feel guilty about it. For leaving ... He's just like that."
"Do you blame him? For leaving you?"
"No, of course not. He ... He did it for us, to keep us safe. He explained it all in his letter. I understand that he couldn't say it to me in person at the time. It was crazy back then." She looked pleadingly at Cavil. She wished he would stop. She didn't want to talk about this. It just hurt too much. And of course she didn't blame Lee for leaving her. Did she?
"But you didn't find the letter in time." Cavil pointed out.
"Lee didn't know I wouldn't take my pills. If I had ... I would have found the letter shortly after his departure." She sighed. "Look, can we please not talk about this? I ... just want to forget. Move forward ... Can you understand that?"
"Of course I can." Cavil smiled at her. "But I'm here to help you. And no matter how much you want to, you can't forget what happened. What you went through. You had an abortion...that's not something you can put behind you easily. You need to talk about it. With me, with Lee... whoever you chose to. But you need to talk about it."
"I can't talk about this with Lee." Alicia whispered. "He would never forgive me."
"Then this will always stand between you."
XXXXXXX
Lee shot at her, again and again and again. Every time the bullets hit right on her face, a wave of satisfaction waved through him. It didn't last long though. This wasn't really her. Just a picture where they had put her face on. But this was all the revenge he would get. The real one was already dead. He fired again and again all bullets hit his target.
"Someone's a tad aggressive." Kara teased him. She was standing in the shooting range right next to him, firing her own weapon. As everyone else, her target was wearing the face of Sharon Valerii.
"Just shut up and shoot." Lee replied sharply, not taking his eyes of his target.
"My gods, between you and Racetrack, it's like ... having a conversation is like walking through a minefield." Kara said, stifling a laugh. She wasn't exactly sure why she was laughing. It hadn't been meant to be funny. She had had a conversation with a couple of pilots last night that had been about Helo and Sharon and which hadn't ended nicely. Toaster lover had been one of the nicer things Racetrack and the others had called her friend. It had made her very angry.
"And you're the last person who should be lecturing me about manners." Lee said with a raised eyebrow.
"From what I hear, you've also been riding Chief Tyrol pretty good."
Lee let out a frustrated sigh. She was right, he hadn't been very fair to Tyrol lately. But he would be damned if he'd admit that. And Tyrol wasn't acting like his normal self either. No one seemed to these days. "Press it." He said and walked up the room to exchange the target paper. "I just reminded him that I expect viper maintenance to take precedence over his hobby project." He inhaled deeply, not getting as much air in as he wanted to. When he was walking back to the shooting range, picking up his weapon, he felt slightly lightheaded. He ignored the feeling.
"Nice! I'm surprised he didn't take a swing at you." Kara smirked.
"Come on, Starbuck. You don't actually think that piece of junk's gonna actually fly, do you?" Lee said grinning. He was referring to the Chief's latest project. He was building a brand new viper out of old machine parts. Or at least he was trying to. Lee didn't think it would work and they didn't have the time to waste on such things. He had been real angry about that earlier the day but right now the image of Tyrol building a viper seemed rather funny.
Kara seemed to think so too as she suddenly started laughing. "Fifty cubits says he gets it in the air."
"Yeah? And who's gonna fly it? It's not gonna be me." Lee grinned. He was feeling even more lightheaded all of a sudden. He wondered shortly what was wrong with him. But when he turned around to Kara and suddenly found himself standing nose to nose with her as she had turned around at the same time he forget all about that.
"Don't look at me." Hotdog called out. He was standing in the range next to Kara's and had listened to their conversation.
"I wasn't looking at you." Lee told him. He wanted to say something else, but Kara's laughter distracted him. "What?"
"I'll fly it. I'll fly it."
"You?
"Me."
"Why?"
"Because... while everyone else is standing around whining ..." They moved closer to each other with every word they were saying.
"We're whining?" Lee tried to sound offended, but somehow he couldn't stop grinning.
"The chief is doing something positive."
"I'm deeply moved. Really. Honestly, I am." He wasn't feeling like it really, but somehow Lee couldn't stop laughing. He blamed Kara for that. Her laughter always had been infectious. And he liked standing so close to her. He leaned a bit closer as the feeling of lightheadedness had turned more into a slight dizziness and leaning against Kara seemed to be the only thing keeping him standing. He knew he should worry about that ... but he couldn't keep his thoughts focused on it.
Then Hotdog sagged on the ground. They stumbled over to him to see what was wrong with him. But despite the situation they couldn't stop laughing.
"His lips are blue. You look like a blueberry." Kara giggled.
That's when Lee knew something was wrong. Hotdog was lying unconscious on the floor and he and Kara did nothing but laugh about it ... this wasn't normal. He tried to take a deep breath to focus his mind on the problem. Then he realized what the problem was.
"There's no oxygen in here." He said out of breath. He grabbed Kara's arm to get her attention. "There's no oxygen in here. There's no oxygen." As he was talking, he dragged himself to the door and tried to get it open. But no matter how hard he tried, the hatch stayed close. And his strength was dwindling fast. Not being able to stand upright anymore, Lee slid down on the ground.
It had taken Kara a moment to realize what Lee had said. By the time she finally did understand his words, she was hardly able to breathe anymore. Gasping for breath Kara reached up to the range counter and grabbed for her gun. She had a hard time lifting her arm and the gun seemed to weigh several tons but she managed to start firing at the hatch window. The first two shots missed, but the third was a hit ... but the glass didn't break.
"I'm empty." Hardly able to breath anymore, her arm fell back on the ground, the gun weighing too much to keep it up any longer.
Not willing to give up so easily, Lee crawled over to her and grabbed on the counter to get some explosive rounds. Together they managed to load the gun with the explosives and together they lifted the gun and fired at the window. It exploded, the door flew open, and fresh air came rushing into the room. For a few moments Lee and Kara just lay on the floor, inhaling deeply and waiting for their strength to come back. Neither of them felt ready to get up yet.
"Nice shot." Kara said grinning, breathing heavily and feeling utterly relieved to be able to get enough air in her lungs.
Neither of them knew how long they had been lying on the ground, but eventually people came running in and helped them up. A few medics appeared and placed oxygen masks on their faces. All three of them were still too out of breath to protest in any way.
That's how Adama found them. Seeing the pale appearance of his son and Kara and the masks on their faces sent a stab of fear through him. "Are you all right?" He hated how worried his voice sounded. He cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure. He wasn't here as a worried father, he was here as a Commander. "What happened?"
At seeing his father, Lee quickly pulled his oxygen mask down. "There must have been a problem with the environmental computer or something. All air just got sucked out."
"This was too frakking close." Kara said agitated. She had pulled her mask down as well after taking a couple of extra deep breaths. "And yes, we're all right."
"We had computer problems in CIC as well. Gaeta and Baltar are already working on it." Adama told them, ignoring Kara's last remark. Not that he didn't hear it ... but responding to it would mean that both Lee and Kara might not be all right now if things had gone differently. If they hadn't been able to get out in time ... He didn't finish that thought, didn't allow himself to think that his son might have died while he was on his ship. He was supposed to be safe on Galactica. This was the one place where Adama had thought he could be sure that his family wouldn't be in any danger. And just now Lee had nearly died. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. He couldn't think about that if he wanted to stay being a Commander at this moment and not turn into a worried father. He had to try really hard to suppress the urge to embrace his son and make sure he was really all right.
"Do they need to get checked out by Cottle?" He asked one of the medics instead.
"No!" Both Lee and Kara exclaimed loudly while jumping up from the floor.
"I think they'll be all right." The medic replied.
"Good. Captain, I want you to go to CIC and work with Gaeta and Baltar. Try to figure out what's going on here. Lieutenant, get some rest."
"Thanks." Kara said grinning.
"Uh, I have CAP soon." Lee cut in. He wasn't really looking forward to working with Baltar.
"I don't think that's going to happen, Captain." The medic told him. "Light duty only for today."
"Great." Lee groaned. When he saw the frowning look of his father, he quickly straightened up. "I'll be in CIC then."
XXXXXXX
For the first time since he became CAG, Lee came home early today. Startled, Alicia looked up when she heard the hatch open.
"Hi. Is something wrong?" She asked, surprised to see him so early.
"No, everything's fine. Kat flew my CAP today, so I could finally catch up with my paperwork." Lee explained. He leaned down and gave both Nia and Alicia a kiss. "How was your day?"
"The usual. I ... I spoke with Cavil again today." Alicia absentmindedly stroked over her daughter's hair as she spoke.
"That's good." Lee forced himself to smile at her. It was good that she was talking to Cavil. He wondered what they were talking about. Were they talking about him? Their marriage? Ever since his return from Kobol he had the feeling that something was wrong between them. He had thought about talking with Alicia about that, but what was he supposed to say? Ask her straightforward what the problem was? If there really was a problem, she would probably get upset that he wasn't aware of it himself. Maybe he should talk about this with his father. If anyone knew about marriage problems, it should be him.
"So Kat just offered to take your CAP like that? I thought you all were happy about every downtime you could get." Alicia interrupted his thoughts.
"We are. But, uhm ..." He thought about telling her about the incident at the shooting range. But she would only get worried about it. And nothing really had happened ... he was fine and so were Kara and Hotdog. No need to get her upset about that. "We had some computer problems today. Dad asked me to work with Baltar and Gaeta on it, so Kat had to take my CAP. But they figured out what the problem is pretty quickly and as I don't know even half as much as those two about computer, I wasn't much help with finding a solution. So I let them work it out and finished up on my paperwork. Dad will be thrilled when he finds all my reports on his desk tonight." Lee grinned.
"I heard about those problems. I think our quarters are affected as well." She pointed to the still flickering lamp in the corner.
"I don't think that's connected to the computer virus." Lee said and went over the lamp.
"Virus? You didn't say anything about a virus." Alicia looked worried at her husband. Since the near destruction of humanity any mention of a computer virus left her feeling very scared.
Lee bit his lip. Frak, he hadn't meant to mention that it was a virus. "Like I said, they're working on a solution. No need to worry. I think we just need a new light bulb for this." He said after inspecting the lamp. "I'll get one tomorrow."
A small smile spread across Alicia's face. "You make it sound as if you just have to go to the next market and buy one."
Lee had so smile too at that image. "That would be nice. I miss going to the hardware store and talking shop with everyone there about the best way to repair a roof or something like that."
"When did you ever repair a roof?" Alicia laughed.
Lee pretended to be offended. "You don't think I can do that? You hear that Nia? Mommy doesn't think your Dad can repair a roof."
"Daddy can do all." Nia said, looking very earnest.
"See?" Lee grinned, looking proudly from his daughter to his wife.
"I know you can do everything you put your mind to, Lee." Alicia laughed. "So, when did you repair a roof?"
"That was actually long before we met. After a storm my Mom's roof got damaged. I repaired it all by myself. Well, Zak might have helped a bit." After a moment his smile faded and he looked thoughtfully at his daughter. Gods, would he ever be able to remember Zak without feeling this pain?
Alicia could see what went through his mind and took his hand in hers to give some comfort. "I'm sure your Mom was very proud to have two sons who helped her with these problems."
Lee smiled at her gratefully. "Why don't we go to the mess and get something to eat? We haven't had a real dinner together in a long time." He changed the subject.
"Sounds good." She smiled at him warmly. "Sounds perfect."
XXXXXXX
The next morning, Lee's first job was giving a self defense class. The idea had come to him shortly after they had been boarded by the Centurions. Even if it wouldn't help against a Centurion, it couldn't hurt if people knew how to defend themselves. Today was his first class and he had started explaining the basics to everyone. Then he had given an example on how to defend yourself against an attacker using Dualla to play the victim. He was surprised how fast she was learning. She had him on the floor pretty fast.
"Wanna show these kids what a real fight looks like, Apollo?" Kara called from the back of the room.
Lee tried hard to suppress a grin. This was so like Kara. "This is a class for self defense, Starbuck, not a show off."
"Oh, come on. You're afraid that I'll kick your ass?" She looked at him challengingly.
Lee smirked at her. He knew he should just ignore her ... but when it came to Kara, he just couldn't. "You're dreaming, Kara."
He picked up the fake knife again and went into position. Kara followed him into the middle of the room. They circled each other for some time until Lee made the first move and attacked Kara with the knife. She quickly moved to the side, grabbed his wrist and arm and dropped down on her knee. With a quick move she threw him on the ground, pinning him on the floor by holding tightly onto his arms.
"Who's dreaming now, Apollo?"
"You haven't won yet, Starbuck."
Before Kara knew what was happening, Lee had knocked out her arms and she fell on him, her face now only inches away from his. Their eyes locked ... and time seemed to stop. Lee thought he could hear his heart beating loudly. He found it impossible to draw his eyes away from hers.
Kara looked at Lee, breathing heavily from the exertion to get him down on the ground. Like Lee, she couldn't take her eyes from him. She felt as if she was drowning in his deep blue eyes. She could stay like this forever.
"Um... Hey."
Alicia's voice pulled Lee out of his haze and he quickly jumped up, causing Kara to fall on her back in the process.
"Ali, hi. What are you doing here?" He asked while he offered Kara his hand to help her get up.
"Layne told me about this class of yours. I thought I might join. It can't hurt to learn how to defend myself." Alicia replied smiling. At the same time she looked rather uncomfortably at Lee and Kara.
"Uh, that's a great idea." Lee replied quickly. "Kara and I were just showing one of the, uhm, moves. Why don't you take a seat over there. Uhm, Cally? You wanna try next?"
Alicia smiled at him and took a seat at the wall. She watched how Lee taught Cally another defense move. She tried to concentrate on what he was saying, but she couldn't get the image of Kara lying on top of him out of her mind.
XXXXXXX
"So, honestly. How bad was I?" Lee asked his wife after the class was over.
"Relax, you were great." Alicia laughed. "You're a great teacher."
"Well, at least no one got hurt." Lee smiled. "So, I have another two hours before my CAP. How about we grab something to eat? Nia is still with Mathilda, it would be just us for a change."
"You mean we could actually enjoy a meal together without getting soaked by our daughter's food? Sounds nice." Alicia said smiling.
At that moment Lee's name was called over the PA speaker. He was supposed to report to CIC.
"Great." Lee groaned. "So much for a nice, peaceful dinner."
"Well, another time then." Alicia said, trying not to sound too disappointed. It seemed that every time she and Lee got some time for themselves, something happened. How was she supposed to fix their marriage if they couldn't even get a simple dinner together? She was aware of the problems between them, she knew that she had been pushing Lee away the last few weeks. She had been more irritating and depressed than usual and she knew that Lee worried about that, but she couldn't tell him the reason for her behavior. She couldn't live with Lee hating her. But Cavil's words came back to her mind. He had found it important that she talked with Lee about it. Maybe he would understand. If she just found the rights words to tell him ... maybe he could forgive her? Maybe not right away, but after some time? Wouldn't that be better than to life with this distance between them for the rest of their lives? But what if he couldn't forgive her? Would she lose him forever?
XXXXXXX
Several hours later Lee returned to his quarters. He was still feeling high from the last battle with the Cylons. He had disagreed with his father to use Sharon's help in destroying the Cylon virus, but as it had turned out, it had been the right decision. She had sent the virus right back to the Cylons and their vipers had destroyed the defenseless Raiders without problems. It had been their time of payback when the Raiders had suddenly lost all power and had drifted through space without control. With a feeling of satisfaction Lee and the others had destroyed one Raider after the next. It had felt good. Real good.
With a grin he stepped into his quarters. "Hi, I'm back."
"Hey. What happened? Were we under attack? I heard the alarms ..."
"Don't worry, everything's fine." Lee sat down next to her and slung his arms around her. "We beat them with their own weapons and killed all of them. They didn't even have the chance to fire a single shot." He told her with a satisfied grin.
"Oh ..." Alicia tried to put up a happy smile. "That ... that's good."
"It is. Those bastards finally got what they deserved." Lee looked at his wife thoughtfully. He could tell she wasn't really happy about this. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." She let out a small sigh. "It's just ... doesn't it feel wrong to you? Using the same methods as those ... those monsters?"
"So what? You're saying we're monsters now too? Ali, they're trying to kill all of us. They bombed our homes, killed billions of people ... I don't feel guilty for shooting them when they can't shoot back. That's a good thing." Lee said, feeling a bit angry. Why was she having a problem with this?
"Of course it's a good thing. Just forget what I said." She smiled at him again. "I'm glad you're back safe."
"Yeah ..." He got up again and went over to Nia's bed. She was already sleeping peacefully.
His good mood was gone. Why couldn't she just be happy with him for once? Every time he felt good about beating the Cylons – which didn't happen that often anyway – she found a way to ruin that.
"Lee ..."
He shook his head. "Just forget it." He waved her off and wanted to drop the subject. There was no use in arguing about this.
He let out a frustrated sigh. Maybe that was the problem. He was angry at Alicia but instead of talking about it with her, he pushed the feeling away. He always did that. He hated fighting with her, no matter about what, so he swallowed down whatever was bothering him. He could tell she was doing the same. He knew there were some unspoken problems between them, but so far neither of them had ever addressed them. Maybe it was time they did.
He turned back to Alicia. She had gotten up from the bed and stood hesitantly in the middle of the room.
"Ali, we need to talk about this. About us. Something isn't right. If ... if something bothers you, if you're mad at me, just tell me. What ever it is, we need to talk about it." He said quietly.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Alicia responded in a hoarse voice.
Lee could tell she was lying. He had known Alicia long enough to know that she would never talk about it if she didn't want to. So he had to push her into talking. He started with the first thing that came to his mind. "I know you were upset when I just left with Roslin. I didn't say a word and then all of a sudden I'm gone."
"Lee, no ... You had to do that, I know that." Alicia said, suddenly feeling weak. She never wanted to talk about that time again. She was afraid what she might say if she talked about that time with Lee ever again.
"Just leaving a letter wasn't enough, I know that. I should have said something, anything ..."
"Lee, it's okay. You couldn't have known I wouldn't find the letter right away. You..." She stopped, realizing what she had just said. Oh gods, why had she said that?
"What do you mean, you didn't find it? I thought ..." Confused Lee looked at his wife. He had left the letter with her pills. She should have found it shortly after he had gone.
"I ... I didn't ..." Helplessly Alicia stood before Lee, feeling a wave of despair spread though her. She didn't want to lie to him anymore, but she couldn't tell him the truth either. Or could she?
"When did you find the letter, Ali?" Lee asked, cutting into her thoughts.
In a trembling voice, Alicia replied. "A week later."
"A week?" Lee called out shocked.
Tears started to fall down Alicia's face. She couldn't keep it from him any longer. "Lee, I'm sorry. I ... I should have told you before. I ..."
"What?" Lee urged her to go on. He felt utterly helpless seeing his wife crying in front of him. What had happened here when he had been gone? Why hadn't she found the letter?
"I didn't take my pills ..."
"Gods Ali ..." Lee groaned. He felt anger well up in him. How could she have not taken her pills? She knew what that was doing to her. How could she ...
"I was pregnant." She whispered.
Lee felt as if the air was knocked out of him. Pregnant? "Wh-what?"
Trembling Alicia looked at him. "Lee, I'm sorry. I tried ... I really did ..."
Hundreds of different thoughts went through Lee's mind. She had been pregnant. And now she wasn't. Gods, she had lost the baby. She had lost the baby and he hadn't been there to help her through that. He had just disappeared and she had never known why. She had to lose the baby, their baby, to find out why he had left. Gods, it was no wonder she was angry at him. He had let her down. He could feel the tears well up in his own eyes. "Ali, I'm so sorry." He walked to her and slung his arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. "I should have been there for you."
"What?" With confused, wide eyes Alicia looked up at him.
"Losing the baby like that must have been awful for you. I wish ... I wish I had been there for you." He swallowed down the tears and he hated that his voice was trembling. He needed to be strong for her now.
Alicia couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wanted to tell him that he was wrong. That he had misunderstood ... but instead she broke down in his arms. She wanted to tell him that it hadn't been his fault, that it had only been her own weakness, like so many times before. She wanted to tell him all that but the words wouldn't leave her mouth. And while she broke down in front of him, crying and sobbing, Lee held her tightly to him, telling her how sorry he was, that he would never leave her like that again, that he loved her. And she could hear the guilt in his voice, she felt his pain but she didn't say anything to make it go away. She just let him hold her and cried until she had no tears left.
XXXXXXX
When Lee and Alicia attended the small christening ceremony for Chief Tyrol's new viper, a stealth ship they called the Blackbird, they both still felt awkward. Lee had thought that talking about their problems would solve whatever was standing between them, but somehow it had only made things worse. Alicia seemed to be further away from him than ever before. He looked at her as she stood next to him, watching Tyrol proudly showing the President his new ship. Alicia stood close to him, but she made sure not to touch him. It had been like that since they had pulled out of their embrace yesterday. The rift between them had only gotten bigger instead of smaller.
He jerked out of his thoughts when everyone around him started clapping. Frak, he had missed Roslin's speech. Taking a deep breath, he tried to concentrate on the rest of the ceremony. After all, his people deserved that much. They had put a lot of hard work into the Blackbird. He had never thought it would fly, but after the test flight this morning he had to admit they had created an amazing ship.
When Roslin started passing around a champagne bottle after christening the Blackbird with the name "Laura", a name Lee found very fitting, he put on his best smile and clapped with everyone else. He thought about going to Roslin and exchanging a few words with her. He hadn't seen her in a while. But when his eyes fell on Alicia, he noticed how exhausted she looked. She had hardly slept last night.
"You want to go home?" He asked her quietly.
She gave him a small smile that never reached her eyes. "That sounds good."
TBC
A.N.: A big thank you to Laurie for beta reading this chapter. And thanks to everyone who has written a review for this story. I was very proud to have reached the 100 with the last chapter :-)