The first sip of wine sent a wave of ease throughout Jolie's body. Sip after sip, the anxiety washed out of her veins. Then the warmth set in. She was warm and content and calm, much unlike the last four days. A fourth of the way through the bottle, she felt happiness creeping up into her heart. It seemed like a foreign feeling after days of constant sadness and confusion. But by the time the bottle was three-fourths empty, all of her emotions from the previous four days came rushing back to her all at once. Her mind was sludge as reality overwhelmed her. And she wanted it to end.
"God, I need to stop drinking so much," she groaned as she wobbly stood to her feet.
Trying to welcome his delayed unconsciousness, Jesse laid in his bed on his back, staring at the ceiling with heavy eyelids. He wanted nothing more than to be asleep, floating in oblivion, avoiding reality... And he was almost there... Until his heart nearly leaped out of his chest at the abrupt sound of someone thumping up the stairs to his bedroom. The sudden fright made him jump and sit upright in bed.
With an angrily balled fist, Jolie pounded on his bedroom door, causing him to flinch once again. Frightened and wanting the brash noise to stop, he rushed to the door and opened it to reveal the beautiful blonde weirdo from the aquarium tunnel. He was filled with mixed emotions, relieved that it wasn't an angry Coop or heartbroken Linda, irritated that she hastily came to see him late at night after avoiding and ignoring him for days, and ecstatic to finally be able to see her striking green eyes again. But she looked broken, damaged, and ruined. He had done that to her. He ruined her.
"How dare you?" She spat loosely. So much for having a rational, levelheaded conversation...
Immediately, he could tell she was drunk by her lazy demeanor and mostly from the smell of white wine on her breath.
"Jo," he sighed, more exasperated than sympathetic. He did not want to have this conversation with the textbook definition of inebriation.
"No!" She snapped somewhat loudly. "How dare you?!"
"Shh." Jesse stifled her, afraid she would wake up her parents and they would find out the truth. "Jesus, Jolie. Come on, let's talk outside."
He guided her carefully as she wobbled down the stairs and stumbled out into the cold air. Once they were both fully outside, she turned to him again.
"How can I let that go, Jesse?" She cried as the concerns and emotions spewed out of her mouth uncontrollably. "You make me fall in love with you, you make the girls fall in love with you, and you make my parents fall in love with you, then you just – you just tell me you're a goddamn drug dealer?!"
His jaw tightened. He was not a goddamn drug dealer. Not anymore. Her sudden onslaught and attack of words, especially after days of the cold shoulder, threw him to the front line of defense. Didn't she want to talk? Didn't she want to work things out? Or did she just want to yell at him?
"I don't know how to process this!" She yelled. "I can't process this!"
"Jo, let's just t–," he tried to reason.
"How can anything ever be the same again?!" She interrupted stubbornly. "How am I supposed to just let that go?!"
"Because that's not who I am anymore!" He snapped back, forgetting she was drunk and rambling angrily.
The unexpected raise of his voice startled her, and she was suddenly speechless, staring at him with tears lining the rims of her eyes. She didn't even realize she was going on and on, yelling at him and frustrating him. All of her thoughts and questions were just racing to get out of her mouth all at once.
He wasn't sure if it was because he snapped at her or because she was just upset in general, but his heart softened at the sight of her tears daring to fall.
"Come on," he sighed, this time sympathetically. "Let's get you back to your house in case the girls wake up and need you."
Feeling very foolish and a little nauseous, she nodded and complied, allowing him to guide her back toward her house. For a brief moment, things felt normal as they walked side by side. But that quickly dissipated when her stomach turned.
Anticipating what was bound to happen next, Jolie picked up her pace, hurrying up the porch stairs and busting through her front door, rushing for the bathroom.
Alarmed, Jesse ran in after her. As he shut her front door, he could hear her retching from the other room. With a softened heart and attitude, he walked to her bathroom, prepared to take care of her for the rest of the night.
"Ugh, go away," Jolie groaned as she kneeled on the bathroom tile in front of the toilet with her elbows resting on the rim of the bowl and her face in her hands. "This is embarrassing."
He didn't say anything as he just crouched behind her, gently moving her hair out of her face and holding it back in his hand. She lurched forward, gagging as the contents of her stomach darted up her esophagus.
He hated seeing her like that. She drank herself sick, probably all because of him. She was miserable, definitely all because of him. It made him physically ache. He was supposed to take care of her and make her feel better – not ruin her and make her drink until she puked. Was she being dramatic or did his past really come as that much of a shock to her?
He wondered why he didn't he just continue to Miami like he was supposed to. Why did he have to come here and cause such a mess? The Quinn family had been through enough. They didn't need his shit too.
But he couldn't help himself. Something pulled him here and kept him here. How could he regret that when it made such a positive impact on his life? They fixed him. Maybe he would still be a drug dealer if he had continued to Miami. Maybe things wouldn't have gone as well as it did in Louisiana, and he would've gone back to that life. He couldn't regret staying. He just couldn't.
After a few rounds of reflux, Jolie's tense body relaxed for a moment. She rested her head in her hands again, sighing.
"I'm so sorry," Jesse whispered leaning forward to place a soft kiss on her back. "I just wanted you to know the truth. I didn't mean for all this to happen. And I hate myself for it."
She didn't have time to even respond before another series of gags and retches began, whether it was from truly being sick or from being reminded of his daunting past.
"What's wrong with Aunt Jo?"
Jesse's head quickly whipped to the doorway where he saw Lia, clad with sleepy eyes and pink pajamas, staring at them with great concern. Jolie groaned again, as she took deep breaths to try and stifle the nausea, not wanting her niece to see her like that either.
"She's just sick," he insisted, gently letting go of Jolie's hair so it wouldn't fall back into her face before he stood up. "It's okay."
The concern on Lia's face didn't ease, even as Jesse walked over to her.
"Is she gonna die?" Lia asked, frightened. "Is she gonna die like my mommy and daddy?"
Jesse froze as he looked down at the little girl. For the first time, he saw the trauma she had endured. It was written all over her face and audible in her shaky voice. She was typically a very happy and cheery little girl, but he was finally able to see the true depth of her suffering. And it made every inch of his body hurt. He was heartbroken. He would've done anything at that moment to take back the pain she and Lucy had to endure that fateful night.
Jolie glanced over at her niece with guilty eyes as she wiped the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. She began to sober up quicker than ever before. Lia's terrified question made her want to vomit all over again with shame. How could she have been so selfish to get so drunk then so sick? What if the girls had needed her but she was too drunk and sick to get out of the bathroom? Why didn't she think about them?
"Is she?" Lia pushed, petrified to her core.
Jesse crouched down in front of her, shaking his head softly. "No baby," he said quietly, brushing the little blonde hairs out of her face then cupping her cheek adoringly. "She's not going to die. She's okay. She just has a stomachache. That's all."
Even in her drunken stupor, Jolie could visibly see the love and admiration that Jesse had for her nieces. Ironically, she was quite glad he was there at that moment. To take care of her and the girls. She realized that she did still trust him. Even after finding out the truth about him.
"I'm gonna take care of Aunt Jo tonight, okay? I'll make sure she gets all better," Jesse promised the sleepy little girl as he stood to his feet.
Lia nodded softly, though she was still worriedly glancing at her aunt.
"But we gotta get you back to bed," he continued, lifting her into his arms. "You got camp in the morning, yo." He tried to lighten the mood a little with a more upbeat voice.
While he was carrying her back to her room, Jolie tried to stand to her feet. She managed to flush the toilet and hobble over to the sink where she washed her face and rinsed out her mouth.
By the time Jesse got done tucking Lia back into bed and checking on Lucy, who was still asleep, Jolie was already passed out in her own bed. Knowing she was probably out cold for the night and not wanting to leave the girls practically unattended, he grabbed a blanket and laid on the couch. Just in case the girls needed him. Just in case Jolie needed him.
Pain pulsated in outward waves throughout Jolie's head as she slowly regained consciousness the next morning. She clutched her forehead as she slowly sat up, trying to figure out why she felt like she was hit by a bus.
She glanced around her room, looking for any clues to remind her of what apparently happened to her, when her eyes fell on her clock. It was 7:30 in the morning, which meant she had to leave to drop the girls off at their winter camp in fifteen minutes. Panicking, she threw the covers off of her body and shuffled to the door then flung it open.
She inhaled to yell for the girls to start waking up, but was interrupted by the sound of their little laughter.
"Jesse, you're doing it wrong!" Lia giggled from the bathroom followed by a soft giggle from Lucy.
Instantly, everything came flooding back to Jolie's memory. Jesse's past... Her drunken rambling... Her vomiting... Lia wondering if she was going to die... Suddenly, she was feeling the effects of the hangover tenfold. Her whole body ached.
As she clutched her forehead again, she realized Jesse must've stayed the night and gotten the girls up for camp. Little butterflies dared to began fluttering in her stomach at his generosity, but she suppressed them.
"Well," Jesse laughed from the other room. "I don't know how to do hair pigtails, sorry!"
Jolie smiled to herself as she stood in the doorway of her bedroom. How could she stay away from that perfect human being? For all she cared at that moment, he could've been the leader of the Mafia or a Russian hit-man and she would still be in love with him.
"It's okay. Grandma Lin can do them for her," Lia insisted.
"Okay, good," Jesse sighed with relief. "Go grab your bags; I need to bring Aunt Jo some medicine."
Panic overwhelmed her again, as she still wasn't ready to face Jesse just yet. She quickly, but quietly, shut her bedroom door and jumped back into bed. She pulled the covers over her body and faced away from the door then shut her eyes and pretended to be asleep. Her head pounded residually from her sudden fast movements.
Seconds later, Jesse knocked softly on her door. When she didn't answer, he slowly opened it.
"Jo?" He whispered.
Feigning sleep, she didn't respond, so he quietly walked over to her bed and placed two aspirin and a warm cup of coffee and a bottle of water on her nightstand.
He looked at the back of her head for a moment. He wanted so badly to curl up next to her and love on her until she woke up, but he knew he had lost that privilege. Thinking she was asleep and that he may never get the chance to do it again, he sighed and leaned down then placed a soft kiss on the back of her head.
Tears welled up in her eyes as he left her room, gently shutting the door behind him. She sat back up in bed and wiped away the few tears that fell, then reached over and grabbed the medicine and coffee.
"Jesse, can you start coming over every day again?" Lia said from the other side of Jolie's bedroom door as she passed by, walking down the hallway.
"I don't know, sweetheart," he replied, passing her door as well. "I've been really busy lately, and I'm sorry for that, but I promise I'll try to."
Jolie's heart swelled with love and pain and anger and sadness as she heard the front door shut.
Since Jesse didn't know where the girls' camp was or what the routine was to drop them off, he walked them next door to Linda and Coop's house.
"Morning, Grandma Lin!" Lia shouted as they walked through the door.
"Well good morning! What a nice surprise!" Linda greeted with a happy smile as she poured coffee into two mugs.
"Jolie's not feeling well this morning, she got a little sick last night," Jesse informed her. "So I got the girls dressed and ready, but I don't know how to do Lucy's pigtails and I don't know where their camp is..."
Linda laughed sweetly. "I can bring them, doll." She waved her hand to insist. "And I can do the pigtails too, don't worry."
"Thanks," Jesse sighed with relief, wanting to make sure someone got the girls to camp on time some way or another.
"I knew Jolie was getting sick," Linda said as she sipped her coffee. "I told that girl to go to the doctor before it got worse."
He smiled, not wanting to tell her the real reason she was sick. "You know her, she's stubborn."
"Well, I'm just glad to see you two are okay," Linda stated. "I noticed you hadn't been spending as much time over there. I was worried something had happened between you two. But I'm glad to see y'all are okay. You're a doll for helping her out with the girls while she's sick."
"I'm happy to do it," he said, unsure of what else to say since they weren't okay.
"Well you go get back to my sick daughter," Linda insisted. "I've got it from here."
"Thanks, Linda," Jesse replied then looked down at the girls. "Bye pretty girls. Have fun at camp."
"Bye Jesse!" Lia sang.
Lucy waved in silence but with a soft smile. Jesse ruffled her already disheveled hair then left.
When he got back to Jolie's, he walked through her front door to find her sitting on the couch in the living room with all the lights off, staring off into space. She was curled up, with her knees to her chest, as she sipped from her coffee mug, much like her mother. He shut the door behind him but didn't walk any further into the room.
When she didn't acknowledge his presence, he spoke up. "Jo?"
She took another sip of her coffee but still didn't look in his direction.
"All this time I've been worried about you leaving and the girls losing another important person in their life," she began. "But I'm the one who's been keeping you away from them the last few days."
"I understand why," Jesse replied softly. "I don't have any right to see them anymore."
She finally looked over at him. "How could you do this?"
"Jo, I had no intention of this ever happening," he admitted as he walked over to the chair adjacent to the couch and sat down. "I planned on being in Miami, away from people, just getting my life together. But I can't help that I fell in love with Louisiana then your family then you."
She wanted so badly to believe him. She could see the agony on his face. He didn't do this on purpose. But she felt like he should've been forthright about it to begin with, or at least once he got involved with her and the girls. Why didn't he think about the consequences of keeping such a huge secret from them?
"Why didn't you say something sooner?" She asked. "Before we all got so attached to each other?"
He scoffed as he sunk back into the chair. "Yeah, I'm sure you guys would've just allowed me, a total stranger, to work in the shop and live in your parents house after I introduced myself as someone who used to cook meth. Sure, your dad would've just been like, 'Ah, jeez, bitch – come on in; in fact, why don't you just move in? We love meth!' Yeah. Right."
She had to admit that he had a point. If they had known about his past at first, he most likely would've never been given the chance to become a part of their family. She understood that, and for a second, she was glad he didn't say anything at first so that he could be in their lives.
"Are you in any danger?" She asked.
"No," he answered, shaking his head.
"Is my family in any danger?"
"No," he repeated. "I would've never come around or stuck around if I thought there was any possibility of anything bad happening. Everyone from my past who ever posed a threat is either, like, dead or in jail."
It hurt her heart to hear that, to know he was involved in such a deadly trade.
"If the social worker ran a background check on you, is there anything that would pop up that I don't know about or that I need to know about?" She wondered, unable to stop all of the questions in her mind from exploding out of her mouth – again.
"No," he replied.
"Is there anything else that I need to know about you in general?"
He shook his head. The murders and extortion and laundering wouldn't be on his record, and he decided right then and there that he would be taking those secrets to the grave with him. He saw no point in telling her, as it painted a picture of someone who was not him. He went through some dark times and had done some awful things, sometimes against his own will. But he was so different now; he had told her enough.
"Look, that's not who I am anymore," he told her. "Looking back now, I can't even remember being that person. It just feels like a dream. A really shitty miserable dream. And most of the time, I didn't want to be doing those things anyway. I just got stuck in a vicious cycle and it took me a while to get out... It's just not me, and it's definitely not who I am now."
"I know," she replied with more softness in her voice. "I was thinking back to every time I found you either crying or shaking or scared or spaced out. I know you were affected by it all, and I know you're not that person anymore. But your past is something that will always be a part of you."
He sighed, knowing she was right. In a sense, he was still that person. He always will be. That part of him will never go away.
"Did you smoke it too?" She asked.
"What, meth?" He wondered.
She nodded, knowing the answer deep down, but praying she was wrong.
"Yeah," he admitted unhappily. "Sometimes."
Her heart ached as she stared at him sadly. She figured part of the life of making and selling drugs was also doing them, but she had this immaculate preconceived notion of Jesse being such a respectable and incredible person all his life, and that was just destroyed by all of this information.
"I haven't in a really long time," he added, trying to defend himself. "I can't even remember the last time I did, but I know it's been, like, well over a year. I haven't done any drug in well over a year."
She nodded, not wanting to push the topic any further or know any more about his hardcore drug use.
They sat in silence for a moment – Jolie stared at the lukewarm coffee in her mug, fighting her hangover in addition to her feelings, and Jesse stared at the wall, wondering what the hell to say or do to make everything better between them.
"I'm not going to tell my parents anything," she stated suddenly. "Not yet at least. But if it comes up or if they somehow find out, I'm not going to deny it."
"I understand," he responded.
She sighed. Her mind was screaming at her not to do this, but her heart wanted him, and she knew she couldn't stay away from him. She was surrendering. Not easily, but she was surrendering.
"Jolie, I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you," he said sincerely. "And I'm sorry that I have such a shitty past in the first place. I wish I wasn't such a shithead and I wish that things could be easier, but you're not the only one that comes with baggage in this relationship. Mine's just a different kind."
"I know, and I forgive you," she replied. "I know your life is different now. And I want to put this mess behind us, because you did ultimately tell me the truth and because I know you're not a bad person, but it's going to take time for me to completely get over it," she said.
He nodded. "I know."
"And things have to stay different, you know that right?" She asked for confirmation. "I don't know how the drug world works, but you can't go back to that shit. Ever. Not if you want to be a part of our lives. That is not something I take lightly, and you can't go back to that life. No matter what."
"I know," he sighed. "You will never have to worry about that, because there's no way I'm ever doing that shit again."