Chapter 25

-Aspiration-

I had to endure these eyes every day for the next weeks. Every day his face was on front page. He was so pale and skinny, not looking like himself anymore. I sighed and put the newspaper down when I saw Severus approaching. He looked ready to eat someone alive.

"Now what's wrong with you?"

"Dumbledore is a maniac." He leaned against the balustrade, arms crossed.

"Don't you say? This thought clearly ever crossed my mind."

"You know who is going to be the next DADA teacher?"

"Not you."

"Haha. You are so funny sometimes. He will never give me this job. He is too afraid that he might loose me after a year. But instead he decided to make a choice that makes me want to resign immediately…"

"Don't keep me in suspense."

"Remus Lupin."

"Moony?" The person Sirius pretended to suspect as the spy. "Why him of all people?"

"Maybe he thinks Potter needs the last of his Daddy's pals around him."

"Don't be ridiculous. Harry cannot even remember him. What did Lupin do all these years?"

"I don't know. Something wicked I am sure. Him being a- do you know by any chance what he is? Did your dear friends and lovers ever tell you?"

"Tell me what? What is Remus, except a friend of Sirius?"

"Worse than that."

"What?"

"A werewolf."

"Are you kidding me?!" I was flabbergasted.

"Never I do. Didn't you realize that he was ill every month?"

"He was not exactly my friend. I only met him every two month or something."

"Well, that's what he is. And your friend Black here-" he tipped on the picture "once wanted to play me a trick and lured me to this beast when he was transformed. But luckily, Potter got cold feet and stopped him just in time. Or I would be dead."

"Lily told me the story. Sixth year, right? But she said nobody ever knew what exactly happened that night. They wanted you to meet a werewolf? You must be kidding."

"Dumbledore made me promise never to tell." His black eyes glittered.

"One man, one word, hmm?" He leaned forwards, gripping the armrests of my chair, speaking only inches from my face:

"You are my wife and I think that I can trust you. Tell me if I am mistaken." His eyes glittered with fury. He pushed himself up again. "I will not tolerate this. Lupin is a danger for the pupils. And best friends they have been- who says that Lupin will not help Black to get to Potter? We have never been able to clear up the matter. Who says that Black and Lupin didn't work hand in glove? After Black was imprisoned nobody even made words about Lupin being a potential spy anymore."

"Dumbledore trusts him. So I think he will have his reasons, won't he?"

"You never know."

"You could give him a chance."

"You sound like Dumbledore already. 'He is not a danger, Severus. He was on our side all the time. By the way- I wanted to ask you if you could brew wolfsbane for him.' Inept as he is, he is not even able to do this himself."

"Hey, this potion is new and incredibly hard to make."

Severus smirked. "Really?"

"I know- there is nothing you are not able to do. Except escaping from Askaban."

He watched me depreciatory. "I have been and still am working hard for my skills. That's why I am able to do all these things. I never strutted around with my friends, bothering other people. If he wouldn't have done so, he could brew it on his own now. But I have to cover for his lack of ability. He spends his schooldays mithering me and I have to help him out now. Looks like I have to take care for the bequest of each and every Marauder."

"Whims of fate. Brats and potions everywhere you look. Feel flattered- you backed the right horse. He needs you now."

"Now what's gotten into you? Your comments are not really helpful at all."

"All I am saying is that you will not be able to change Dumbledore's decision. And you definitely will not resign now. So why are you complaining? You should be happy. Two of them dead, one practically helpless without you, the last one on the run. You won, they loose. Lupin needs you now. Be a man about it."

"I don't want to be needed. Least of all by from one of them."

Week after week passed, but Sirius wasn't found. Adhara was in Beauxbattons now for two month. Severus and I had agreed that it would not be necessary to warn the Headmistress- Madame Maxime- about Sirius. I was glad that Severus shared my point of view, because otherwise I would have to tell Madame Maxime about Sirius being Adhara's father. And I wasn't willing to tell anyone.

My once vivid house was very quite now without my little madcap around. No laughter, no chaos, no bedtime-reading or snuggling with her till Christmas.

But her letters told me that she simply loved her school. She already made about half a million friends there and was enjoying her lessons. Teachers reported that she was very bright and eager to learn. My finger ran over the picture I had on my desk from her. She never caused any problems for me. My little darling. Her smile was so kind. But her eyes. I looked over to the newspaper, stating that Black had been sighted somewhere near Hogsmeade by a Muggle- published with a photograph of him once more. Exactly the same eyes. I shoved aside the paper quickly. She was my daughter.

On Halloween I was in a very wistful mood. I decided to light three candles: One for Lily, one for James, one for my old life. Severus wouldn't come tonight for he had to stay in school this weekend. I stared at the flickering candles and allowed all the old memories to dance through my head. Youth will have its fling. I smiled. It had been a great time. No matter what happened thereafter. Twelve years today.

Following a sudden impulse I grabbed my cloak. Though it was windy night, I took the candles and was on my way to Godric's Hallow. I wanted to bring Lily and James their candles. When I reached their graves and put the candles down, I started to cry horribly. I hadn't been crying for ages, so I allowed the tears to stream down my cold face, relieving me from my grief. How wonderful our lives could have been, if it hadn't been for Sirius. I blew out my last candle, the one representing my old life. This was history now. "Sleep tight, Lily and James." I left the graveyard.

I came home early the next morning. After the graveyard I had visited the Potter's house for the very first time since they died. I was shocked by the destroyed place.

Bathilda Bagshot found me standing there, crying my eyes out again. She had recognized me and invited me to a few of her horribly sweet liqueurs. We had talked (more cried) about the old times, till both of us had no tears left. I was tired, but still I hadn't felt that peaceful for a long, long time.

I was surprised to see Severus at this time of the day. He was clearly waiting for me. My heartbeat doubled. He had found Sirius and he had killed him!

Severus grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him rudely.

"Where have you been?" He spat, his black eyes boring into mine.

"Godric's Hallow." Why on earth was he so angry?

"I was worried!"

"If I had known you would come, I'd have left you a message." I played him off.

"Did you meet with him?"

"Whom?"

"Black!" He shook my arm in a painful way.

"Are you mad?"

"I was afraid that Black has been here, too."

"Too?" I was confused, Severus was still staring in my eyes.

"He broke into Hogwarts tonight."

"What?!" I had to sit down.

"He wanted to hide in the Gryffindor Tower, but when the guarding portrait refused to let him in without the password, he destroyed it and buggered off."

"No." So it was true, he wanted to kill Harry.

"We searched the castle, but he was gone."

"How is this possible? I thought there are Dementors guarding the school?"

"We have no idea. Well, I have one, but the Headmaster doesn't want to hear it."

"Lupin."

"Exactly. I wanted to make sure that you are okay, but when you didn't react upon my floo-calls, I decided to come over here. Checking whether he has killed you here or you are just wrecked."

"Neither nor." I shrugged. "But how can he enter Hogwarts?"

"We don't know. And I am very sorry indeed that he didn't linger. I would have loved to butcher him. For it is twelve years now, he…" He stopped, caught a breath and looked at me.

"You've been there? I was wondering why your eyes are all puffy and swollen." He smiled.

"Yes, I brought some candles to their graves and met Bathilda…" Another tear formed in my eye. Severus pulled me close and began to kiss me real tenderly.

Severus had to stay in Hogwarts for Christmas again, but he would come for New Year's Eve. Adhara's Christmas present had been a broomstick. She had been beside herself. She loved flying. She was even thinking about applying for a Quidditch Team next year. Sirius had never been much of a Quidditch player. He had liked it, but he never played himself.

He had loved motorbikes, yes. I remember all these horrible bewitched motorcycles he had owned. I shook my head.

"What's up, Mum?" Adhara asked.

"Nothing." I sighed. "I am just sentimental because it is Christmas and I have missed you so much."

"Really? I have the feeling you are pretty worried for something all of the time? And Severus is behaving strange, too."

"Is he?" Better to talk about him than about me.

"Yes. He is in a very bad mood all the time."

"He is stressed you know. He is working too much."

Adhara looked at me skeptical, but didn't continue.

"Do you think they will capture this man someday?" She asked instead, pointing at the newspaper, showing Sirius' face again. My insides squirmed. How could I have forgotten to put this away?

"Most girls in school think it must be cool to be like him. Breaking out of a prison and be on the run you know."

I was shocked. "What pray-tell is cool on prison-breaking? He was in there because he killed a lot of people. How can you say that's 'cool'?" I roared.

"Mum? What's up with you?" Adhara backed away. I had been screaming very loud.

"Sorry, darling. But you weren't even born when this man committed his crimes. Those were horrible days. I have lost a lot of friends back then. I can't stand that you and your girls think that he is some kind of a movie star. He is a mass-murderer. And that's it."

"Did he kill friends of you?" Her eyes widened in shock. His eyes. I tried hard to calm my breath. I needed Firewhisky! My daughter thought of her father as some kind of admirably rough-neck.

"Indirect."

"Tell me about it." Her voice was interested.

I took a glass for my Firewhisky.

"I can't. I am sorry, but I can't. It has been too painful for me." The conversation about telling Adhara the truth came to my mind. What if one of her friends started to recognize the resemblance? No, he didn't even look like himself anymore, let alone Adhara.

"But Mom! He killed friends of you? I thought he killed Muggles?"

"Does that make a difference to you?" That would be clearly too much for me.

"I never knew you had Muggle-friends. Tell me about them. Where did you meet them?"

Thank Merlin, I just got her wrong. "No, those Muggles he killed weren't my friends. But he betrayed some of my friends so they got killed."

"How can you betray someone so that he gets killed? I don't understand."

"Just imagine you are playing hide and seek and you tell the seeker where the people are hidden."

"But that's unfair."

I had to laugh. "Yes, dear. That's exactly what it is. Especially when the seeker is not only seeking you, but your very life. So please, don't ever think of this man as a cool person."

"But why would somebody do this? Why does someone want to murder someone else?"

"I don't know Adhara. I never understood this."

"I don't understand this. Maybe Severus can explain this to me. He is always explaining things in a way I understand them."

"Why don't you go to bed now, darling? It's late."

She left and I my trembling hands found the bottle. This had been a close catch. What have I been expecting? She had no idea. Sirius Black. He is your father. Yes, he used to be very cool. Your stupid mother just didn't recognize that he was a Death Eater. Stupid Mom. You want to meet him? Well, no idea where he is. But mind that he doesn't know that you exist. Must have missed the opportunity to tell him. By the way- your step- father is going to kill him anyway, so you better hurry. I laughed out bitterly. The liquor burned in my throat. I leaned against the cool window. It was very cold outside. Why did he want James to be dead? And Lily? I had been true to Adhara- I had no idea. The sky was very dark. What would life have been for the two of us if he had only been true to me? Didn't he tell me about the Order because he wasn't really into it? I tried hard to remember what he had said back in those days. Would I have cared? My husband was a former Death Eater. I wouldn't have cared if Sirius had been one as long as he had been by my side. Maybe all these speeches were meant to trick me into admitting that I liked the Dark Arts? Would he have revealed his true allegiance to me if I had done so? And what if he would have told me what he was about to do? Why did he tell me that he was their Secret Keeper, he could have told me it was someone else. Did he really expect to get out of this with Dumbledore knowing his position? He did. Nobody knew that Harry would survive. But how would he have explained this to me? Never? Did he ever care?

"Sirius. Did you ever think about me?" I whispered, misting up the icy window.

The next day, Severus was there. I told him about the talk I had with Adhara the night before.

"Calm down. She is reading the paper in school, of course. But she has no idea."

"When she asked me what he did to my friends…Shall I tell her about Lily and James?"

"No, it's okay. She will loose interest soon, anyway. You know how little girls are."

"I hate him." I suddenly spat. "Is there still no trace of him?"

"We think that he might have sent a broomstick to Harry on Christmas."

"What?! A broomstick? Now what is this supposed to be? Making up for killing Harry's parents with Christmas presents?"

"We are checking it for jinxes and everything." He sighed. "I wish I could do more to find him. But he seems to be unlocatable. I would need more time to investigate. But I am busy at the school all the time."

"What about Lupin?"

"No, he had his full moon afflictions on Christmas. Merlin, how I hate the whole nine of them!" He snapped aggravated.

In February a letter from Severus arrived. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of January.

"Princess mine,

last night Sirius Black entered the dormitory of Harry Potter with a knife. Apparently, he tried to kill Ronald Weasley who woke up and screamed so loud that Black fled. The dunderhead Longbottom ( I told you about this abnormally dumb person) wrote down all the passwords and left them lying around. Just great. If only I knew he would be coming…

As affairs now stand, I will never be able to leave the school again. We need to take care of the pupils, especially Harry. Black seems to be pretty determined to finish Harry off.

Love, Severus"

I sighed. At least, I could be ironcast sure that he wasn't after me and Adhara. He was focused on Harry. He stayed in England all the time.

When I lay in my bed I started wondering why. Did he forget about me? Did he just didn't care what happened to me? Did he just didn't find me like Severus doesn't find him? And why was I thinking about it? I should be glad that he wasn't after me. Instead I felt disappointment. I know, I was beyond help.

Clot was at my house when Severus' letter arrived telling me that he caught Harry sneaking around in Hogsmeade. I will spare you with the details- you can easily imagine what this letter was like.

Clot laughed at Severus' style of writing.

"He is always so funny when he is really mad at somebody."

I raised an eyebrow. "I can understand him this time you know."

"Of course, he is right. But still…"

"How can Harry be stupid like this? Sirius is a mighty wizard and he is determined to kill Harry. How can he be reckless like that?"

"He is like his father I guess. Reading between the lines, Severus thinks so, too." She chuckled.

"I am not sure if James would have been that reckless."

"Now you are befooling yourself, Sadra. He would have been. Along with Sirius."

"But there has to be some Lily in him. He can't be all James." I sighed frustrated. Harry wasn't making it easier for none of us.

"Obviously, he is. But why is Severus raving about Remus like this?"

"He thinks that Lupin might be working hand in glove with Sirius."

"Him? No way!" She exclaimed.

"That's exactly the answer I would have given you when you would have told me that Sirius is a Death Eater." I sneered.

"But Sirius has always been the more ambitious type. Mad skills and everything, good-looking, adventuresome and rampant. That's exactly the type to do something completely unexpected. Remus is so down-to-earth."

"You will never overcome him, huh?"

"I really liked him. But- do you believe him to be Death Eater? For real for real?"

"No." I sighed. "I don't."

"Do you think Sirius will start looking for you after Harry delivers himself up?"

"Honestly, I have been asking myself this question. But I think he just isn't interested in what happened to me after all. He never really loved me."

"He did. I agree with Dumbledore on this issue! He loved you."

"Then why didn't he drop me a line?" I laughed.

"Maybe he doesn't know your new last name?" Clot's voice was icy.

"Clot, he isn't looking for me. He wants to kill Harry and I have no idea what he will be doing afterwards if he doesn't die trying. But it will not be me."

"I wouldn't be too sure if I were you."