Chapter Twenty-Four - What the Heart Longs For

Bruno lay awake in bed, tossing and turning and unable to sleep. While no stranger to the occasional bout of insomnia, especially when in the middle of some academic pursuit, his mind felt strangely uneasy. At last, he tossed aside the covers, climbed out of bed, and made his way out onto his balcony.

I wish I could understand this disquiet in my mind, he thought, gazing up at the stars. Perhaps the night air will help calm me. Closing his eyes, he focused on the simple task of breathing, enjoying the night breeze as it ruffled his hair and cooled his face.

In the distance, he could hear the soft susurrus of the palace fountains and the wind in the trees, and he leaned against the marble rail, letting his head fall forward.

After several minutes, he opened his eyes once more.

Perhaps I must think about this logically. If I can comprehend this as a puzzle, then maybe if I find a solution, I will be more at peace.

Counting on his fingers as he went, he started going through possible causes.

My studies? No, Master says that my progress is more than satisfactory, and he continues to help me each day in reaching my goals. And Father seems to be pleased as well, plus my invitation to present at Granzreich University is proof that my work continues to improve.

He idly ran his hand through his hair.

Is it my brothers, he wondered, remembering his bitter jealousy at seeing Leonhard's progress. After all, they have begun making their own strides. But a few minutes' thought assured him that wasn't the case, either, at least not when he thought of Kai, Licht, and Leonhard.

Then he thought of Eins, and he briefly felt a pang of apprehension. Is it Eins? Do I still doubt myself, in the face of his disdain?

But then he thought of TaraLeila defending him to his older brother, and the pang in his chest became much greater, and his heart slowly sank.

No, it is not Eins. I realize now... what it is.

He sighed and gripped the marble rail tightly, his body trembling.

But I still do not understand. Why does thinking of her haunt me so? She has been nothing but unfailingly kind to me, respectful and pleasant...

"A mature raven-haired beauty, all alone with you under the moonlight... I suppose I should applaud your restraint, or was it cold-heartedness?"

Bruno growled softly to himself as he remembered Licht's taunting the day after the diplomat's ball, and suddenly the feelings within him flared hot and bright.

If I were cold-hearted, I wouldn't feel as I do, where all I want to do is know the warmth of her smile, to embrace her strength and her grace, to take her in my arms and hold her for as long as this life allowed.

And suddenly he froze, his eyes wide.

Is that it? Is it because my feelings are of... the heart?

His breath caught in his chest and he actually felt his knees give way. Sinking to the ground, Bruno held one hand to his forehead in shock, trying to calm his whirling thoughts.

This... no, it's impossible. It must be some overwrought youthful fancy. She is a beautiful woman, valiant and strong, but...

But as the young man sat there in the moonlight, he wanted nothing more than to see her shy smile again and again, to gently dry her tears and ease her sorrows, to always see those pale blue eyes gazing up at him with fondness. He wanted to cherish that skill, that daring, that courageous spirit, knowing it burned like a flame that would warm him all his life.

This is madness, he thought dazedly. We have known each other only a few short weeks, it's not possible... is it?

Turning so that his back was against the marble rail, he drew his legs against his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

Even if... even if it were possible, a relationship between us is unthinkable. She is a Knight, it is true, but she is still a commoner by birth. To consider a relationship with so great a difference in class... He shook his head. While he, his brothers, and his father all hoped to bring a greater equality to the people of the kingdom, some things were beyond change. A commoner and a royal is unheard of, and as a prince in the royal line of succession, I have a duty to the throne. The only way past that is to give up my claim to the throne, but... but that would mean throwing away all I have aspired to all my life.

His heart ached, and he rested one hand against his chest.

And I can't... not even for her.

Bruno rested his forehead on his knees, letting the night wind cool the tears on his cheeks.

"Prince Bruno, it is time for our-" Heine's voice trailed off when he saw the prince slumped over his desk, still wearing his nightclothes and apparently asleep. Bruno did not stir, even at the sound of the tutor's voice, and for a moment, Heine was afraid something had happened to him. He hurried across the room and gently shook the young man awake.

"Prince Bruno... prince, are you all right?"

Slowly, Bruno lifted his head, and Heine saw that the prince's eyes were bloodshot, with dark circles under them, his hair was disheveled, and his face was pale.

"Your Highness, you look utterly exhausted."

"I apologize, Master," Bruno said listlessly, "I did not mean to fall asleep. I am sorry if I kept you waiting."

Now Heine was truly alarmed, and he reached out to carefully rest one hand against the young man's forehead, then checked his pulse.

"Prince, I fear that you are ill, we should summon the court physician immediately."

Bruno shook his head. "No, I suspect that... what this is, the doctor could not treat." He placed one hand over his heart. "It is... here."

At first, Heine didn't understand, but then Bruno looked up at him, his cobalt blue eyes filled with a sadness that Heine had never seen there before, not even at the news that Heine was resigning.

"Master... have you ever been in love?"

Of all the things Bruno could have asked him, that was the last thing Heine had anticipated, and the colour briefly rose in his cheeks. His first instinct was to avoid the question, to tell the prince it was none of his business. But at the pain in the young man's eyes, Heine realized that to do so would be callous, and he quietly sighed and leaned against Bruno's desk.

"Once... briefly. She was not what most would consider beautiful, but her inner nature seemed to illuminate her appearance. When I looked at her... she made me believe that things would be all right, no matter how dark or desperate my life seemed."

Bruno seemed to forget his own sorrows for a moment in his fascination. "Did... did she feel the same way?"

"I don't know. I never told her how I felt. I kept it inside, and in time, the intensity of my feelings faded. I never forgot her, but that longing no longer hurts as much as it once did."

The prince, however, was confused. "Why did you never tell her, Master?"

Heine looked away, and his next words were so quiet that Bruno could scarcely hear him. "I was afraid."

Then he looked back at Bruno. "It is... one of the few regrets I have in my life."

Heine took a seat opposite the prince. "So, if you do not mind me asking, Your Highness, do you... wish to discuss your own situation?"

Bruno rested his chin on his wrists. "Well, the thing is, I don't think I've ever had these feelings for someone before. All I know is that... I cannot stop thinking about her."

Heine's cheeks turned slightly red, and he coughed discreetly. "Is it possible that you might be confusing love with lust?"

The young man looked over at Heine, his eyes thoughtful. "Am I? I... I don't know. I want only her own good. I want her to be happy... whatever sorrow haunts her eyes, I want only to ease it."

The tutor sighed, removed his spectacles, and rubbed his eyes, and Bruno sat up in alarm.

"Master, what's wrong?"

"You are in love," Heine admitted.

Bruno, however, could not understand why Heine suddenly looked so sad. "Is it such a bad thing? To be in love?"

"Well, Your Highness, for a prince, love does present certain problems. Are you already engaged?"

Bruno shook his head. "No. Only Adele and Kai are affianced, and to be honest, I'm not sure about Eins."

"Then at least there is that. To fall in love with one woman while engaged to another is a diplomatic and emotional snarl that is best avoided, if at all possible."

"But even so... I fear that Father will not approve," Bruno said slowly.

Heine's breath caught in his chest and he looked away, trying desperately to keep his feelings off his face.

Oh, no...

It took a great deal of effort, but Heine managed to keep his voice steady, even though he dreaded the answer to the question he was about to ask. "And why is that?"

"For a prince to be involved with a commoner is unthinkable."

"You are speaking of Dame TaraLeila," Heine said quietly, and Bruno nodded, his chin in his hands and his eyes miserable.

"I know that a relationship between us is impossible... a prince in the royal line of succession must meet certain social standards in terms of a prospective fiancée. I know that here." Bruno gently touched his fingers to his temple. "But here..." He rested his hand over his heart. "It is a harder thing to accept."

For a long time, Heine was quiet.

It seems Viktor was correct about the prince's feelings... but... it is my duty to remind him of his duty.

"Your Highness... I..." He let out his breath in a long sigh. "I wish that it were possible for the two of you to be happy together. But my prince, you can either pursue the throne, or you can pursue a relationship with Dame TaraLeila. You cannot do both."

"I know that, Master," Bruno growled suddenly, lifting his head to stare at Heine, his eyes blazing. But then his bravado crumbled, and his shoulders slumped in despair. "But knowing it makes it no easier to live with."

After getting cleaned up, dressed, and having his lesson with Heine, Bruno had recovered some measure of his usual calm and poise. Unburdening himself to Heine had helped somewhat, and knowing that the tutor didn't think less of him for it was a tremendous relief.

And yet...

Bruno looked down at the paper he was clutching, where Doctor Dmitri had scrawled his contact information should he ever choose to visit Erosz.

"With a mind like yours, there's no limit to what you could achieve, Bruno. If you want my opinion, you need to get out of that palace and broaden your horizons, give your immense talents a chance to blossom in the real world."

During one of his afternoon chess matches with TaraLeila, he'd discovered that she had visited Erosz not long ago. He had eagerly asked her about the country, and she'd cheerfully gone on at length about her visits there. While she hadn't visited Pietarigrad during her travels, she had visited Odyesse, Ekaternava, and a few other smaller cities. Bruno had listened with rapt attention as she'd described life in Erosz, which she had found remarkably similar to her own experiences in the Highland Marches.

She also talked about her travels to other nations on the Western continent, and Bruno had asked question after question, making notes as they spoke until the late hours of the night.

A chance to broaden my horizons, he thought wistfully. I wonder what it would be like, to travel the world as she does, with so many myriad opportunities to learn firsthand what I've only ever read about. But... I have a sacred duty to the Granzreich royal line. I can't just up and leave, no matter how much I might want to. I have responsibilities that I cannot... I will not just walk away from.

Idly pacing around his room, Bruno lightly ran his fingers along the spines of his many texts.

"Prince Bruno, you've grown beyond my wildest expectations. If you become ruler, I have no doubt in my mind you will lead this kingdom with acumen and expertise."

Then he reached his desk, where atop a stack of papers, he saw Eins' latest report to Viktor about his diplomatic travels.

"I stand by my words. No matter how I look at you, you're nothing more than little children. In your wretched states, kingship is out of reach for any of you."

Bruno swept his books and papers from his desk with a sudden, violent gesture.

Damn him, I will not give up. I don't care that he's six years older than I. If he could accomplish that much when he was still my age, then I shall do the same.

Then he suddenly stopped as a realization hit him.

I have tried to remain both scholar and successor. I see now that can no longer be the case. Everything within me must be bent toward this task, including my own desire to learn. If it will not help me achieve the throne, if it will not help me lead this country to the peaceful and prosperous nation I wish it to be... then I must set it aside.

A memory of TaraLeila's laughter flashed through his mind, and the prince bowed his head and sank into his chair.

I must... set it aside.

The door to his room suddenly banged open, and Licht sailed in with a cheery, "Hiya, Brunie!"

Bruno was too distracted to do more than glare at his youngest brother. "What do you want?"

"Is that any way to talk to your dear brother? Especially since I came here to offer you my help."

"Your help?" Bruno repeated in confusion. "With what?"

"Ahhh, you can play coy all you want, but there's no fooling the dashing, debonair ladies' man – I can tell when big brother is in love. And since we both know how utterly hopeless you are with women, here I am to offer you my special relationship advice to woo the woman of your dreams." He dropped into a negligent sprawl on Bruno's couch and gave his brother a sidelong look.

"Don't be ridiculous, Licht."

Licht studied his brother through narrowed eyes, but Bruno did his best to ignore him by picking up the papers and books he had scattered.

Though he'd die before ever admitting it to Licht, a relationship with the Knight was what he wanted more than almost anything else in the world. To share his hopes and dreams, his successes and failures, his very life with her. But it's just a hopeless dream. He shook his head, trying to force away the longing inside him.

Licht, however, couldn't for the life of him figure out why Bruno was trying so hard to keep the Knight at a distance.

Maybe it's because he thinks she's not good enough for him.

"You know what, Brunie? You're not only an idiot, you're also a snob!"

Bruno was so shocked that he forgot his intention to ignore Licht until he left, and turned to stare at his brother. "I beg your pardon?!" he gasped.

Licht folded his arms across his chest. "It's painfully obvious that you're head over heels for Dame TaraLeila, but just because she's not up to your own academic standards, you won't even consider a relationship with her?"

"That... that's not it at all!" Bruno stammered, his face going pale.

"Oh, no? You should have seen the look on your face when the Professor gave her the same test he gave us." Licht leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "You gave Leo a total pass on the fact that he scored just one point, but she gets a thirty-five and you think it's pathetic."

"I never said it was path-" Bruno began, but Licht kept going.

"And then there was you after the ball, turning up your nose at her because she doesn't have the same royal training that we do, even though it was as clear as the glasses on your face that she likes you."

"I did not turn- and what business of yours is it anyway whom I do or do not pursue romantically?"

Licht scoffed and leaned back against the couch, dismissively tossing his head. "Small wonder you can't get a girlfriend."

Bruno's hands clenched into fists, cold fury surging through him as he took a step toward his brother. It was all he could do not to hit him, not when all he wanted to do was vent his frustration by beating him senseless. "I'll not be lectured on romantic standards by you, brother. Not after what you did the last time I was-" He bit back the words, but it was too late.

Licht turned back to him. "The last time you were... what? And what'd I do?"

Bruno swallowed hard and turned his face away, but the anger and frustration and jealousy within him was too much to hold inside any longer.

"Back when... when Father was considering a betrothal to Lady Annaliese... you... you knew all along that he was considering that betrothal for me," he rasped, unwilling to look at Licht for fear of his temper truly mastering him, "but that didn't stop you, did it? No, you just disregarded any feelings I might have had and pursued her yourself."

The memory of Licht flirting with the young noblewoman, making her laugh, knowing just the right thing to say to completely capture her attention, while he'd stood to one side, bitter jealousy churning inside him, nearly turned his stomach. "And to make matters worse, it didn't even mean anything to you, any more than it does with the rest of the tarts you associate with."

Licht was absolutely floored, and sat with his mouth open in shock for several seconds. Not once had he ever realized his brother's feelings for the girl... him, the prince who prided himself on figuring out people. "You... you mean you... you actually liked Annaliese? But... but then why didn't you say anything?"

Bruno waved his hands in frustrated helplessness. "What was there to say? Before I even had an opportunity to do so, you were deadset on pursuing her yourself, and you're always so contrary that even if I had said something, you'd have pursued her anyway just to be irritating. What kind of betrothal would it have been, knowing that she'd already fallen for my brother?! What chance did I have after that?! None!"

Bruno's rage drained away, leaving him suddenly exhausted, and he stumbled to the chair behind his desk and sank into it, his face in his hands. "And so I told Father that it would be best for me to decline. So you'll forgive me if I just laugh in your face now for lecturing me on pursuing a relationship."

Licht's heart sank within him at the unintentional pain he had caused his older brother, but then he dragged his thoughts back to the subject at hand.

"In case you missed it, Brunie, Dame TaraLeila has no interest in me. She's interested in you, you numbskull, and do you even try? Of course not."

Though Bruno's heart leapt at the thought that TaraLeila might feel the same way about him that he felt about her, it ached at the knowledge that the difference in their respective stations was too great.

"What's the point, Licht? I'm a royal, she's a commoner. Father would never accept her, anyway," he said wearily. That fact hurt more than anything else, even as Bruno had wondered what his father might say if he were to even broach the subject.

"How do you know?" Licht pointed out, unintentionally twisting the knife even further. "Did you even ask? And what difference does that even make? It's possible to just have a good time, you know. Not everything has to last forever."

Bruno went completely still. To have her only for a few stolen moments, and then cast her aside, to have these desperate feelings in my heart mean nothing in the end... what kind of man would that make me?

At that, Bruno lifted his head and stared at Licht over the tops of his spectacles, his blue eyes as cold as Licht had ever seen them. And when he spoke, his voice was as level and empty as Eins'.

"I refuse to treat a woman like that. I will never be like you, Licht. Do you hear me? Never."

Licht went white as he stared at his brother in dismay, but Bruno's gaze never wavered. "Brunie..." he whispered, but the other prince just glared at him.

"Get out."

Licht finally turned to leave, but he paused just as he reached the door.

"I'm... I'm sorry, brother," he whispered, not turning around. Then he left, and as the door closed behind Licht, Bruno slumped across his desk, all restraint gone as he broke down and sobbed.

To be continued...