Authoress: Thank you everyone for keeping with this experimental story of mine. This chapter is dedicated to all of you, my wonderful readers and reviewers! In just a year, this story has become the most reviewed story I have ever written – and I could not have done it without all of you and your wonderful ideas! So, everyone, feast your eyes on what a year of teasing will do to a perverted authoress! Enjoy!

Chapter Twenty Two

Iruka leaned against the doorway in a mixture of amazement and awe. He had become all too accustomed to having Kakashi around, but this had to be a first. The handsome man was sprawled across the couch, his tall body contorted so that he somehow fit across the piece of furniture, but somehow still giving Pakkun enough room to be sprawled out across an entire cushion. Always the considerate idiot. Kakashi probably did not even have the foresight to realize just how badly his back was going to hurt when he woke up. Iruka had to smile at that odd quirk in the jounin; it was almost as unexpected as his cuddly behavior. If only he had a camera! He could definitely get some blackmail material if for no other reason than Kakashi was half-naked and had a four-month-old baby sprawled on top of him as though it was the most natural thing in the world. Saki was completely unconscious, lying across Kakashi's broad chest with his cheek pressed against the jounin's bare collarbone. His tiny little fists were tightened, clinging to strands of Kakashi's silver hair.

Despite their months of friendship, this was the first time Iruka had ever seen Kakashi's hair down, his chest bare and uninjured – and Pakkun actually asleep. Thoroughly mystified as to why his babysitter was half-naked, his ninken sleeping, and his hair for once obeying the law of gravity, Iruka found himself tiptoeing into the room. Before he realized what his body had in mind, Iruka found himself falling to a knee in front of the couch so that he could watch Kakashi and Saki sleep.

Almost as though he sensed Iruka's presence, Kakashi shifted in his sleep, one lanky arm moving off of the couch so that he could brush his long fingers against Iruka's cheek. That single touch, no matter how innocent, sent a jolt of searing desire through the brunet. All of the air in Iruka's lungs raced out in one quick whoosh as the brunet froze in surprise. Since their discussion the other week, he and Kakashi had been just friends. But this touch – even from an unconscious man – was full of something far from friendship.

"Mmph…"

Iruka had to bite back a snort at the grumble Kakashi let out. He had never seen the jounin this relaxed that he could fondle Iruka's cheek in his sleep and still remain unconscious. It was strangely touching that the only thing the retired ANBU member did was let his fingers drift along Iruka's scarred cheek. It showed a great deal of trust on Kakashi's part to still be unconscious. Iruka had known far too many shinobi who slept with one eye open no matter where they were. He also knew Kakashi to be a very light sleeper from their one night together.

Kakashi gently cupped his hand around the back of the brunet's neck and, before Iruka realized exactly why his heart began to pound uncontrollably, the jounin pulled Iruka's lips down to his own. Despite the thin mask separating them, Iruka found himself moaning from the warmth of Kakashi's lips and touch. Iruka somehow found enough sense to lean forwards, putting more pressure in their kiss. His fingers, developing a mind of their own, moved up to Kakashi's face, his thumbs hooking over the edge of the dark material separating their lips.

Was it too much to hope that, somewhere deep in his subconscious mind, Kakashi had finally made a decision? Had he finally chosen a life with Iruka and their son? The warm breath that sent a shiver down Iruka's back was enough of an answer for the brunet who had so desperately wanted this seemingly emotionless man since he discovered Kakashi had given him the greatest gift in the world – the tiny baby who slept so contently without a care for the strained relationship his fathers had until now.

Iruka was about to tear that mask away and say to hell with his request of keeping Kakashi an arm length away but froze when he felt Kakashi's groaned words more than heard them.

"Keiko…"

A cold shudder ran through Iruka as he tore his lips from Kakashi's, falling backwards onto his behind as he tried to get away from the jounin. It was not supposed to be like this. Kakashi should not be moaning for a woman that didn't even exist. Kakashi should not be thinking of an imaginary person as he kissed Iruka. The realization that Kakashi cared more for 'Keiko' than Iruka left the brunet cold and sick to his stomach.

Iruka scuttled backwards as he watched the jounin slowly wake up. Kakashi blinked a few times, his single visible eye staring up at the ceiling blankly. After a moment, his gaze shifted and landed on Iruka. He wasn't expecting Iruka back for at least a few hours – Iruka had taken Ebisu's Saturday class so his co-worker could go on a much-needed vacation. Iruka shouldn't be home yet…unless Kakashi had slept for longer than he thought. Then again, he was exhausted, so it wasn't too surprising that he must have slept at least three or four hours for Iruka to be home now.

Thoughts of asking what time it was fled his mind when Kakashi actually looked at Iruka. He furrowed his eyebrows as he studied the brunet, trying to figure out why Iruka's normally bronzed complexion was a sickeningly pale shade and why the teacher looked like he was mere moments away from crying.

For that matter, why was Iruka on the floor?

Kakashi shifted, plucking Saki off of his chest as he moved to sit up. Despite the twinge of pain in his neck from falling asleep in such an awkward position, the jounin found himself cradling Saki's sleeping form against his bare chest. Was it only a few hours ago that he gave Saki his second bath of the day because the baby had discovered the joy of mud puddles? It seemed like an eternity ago, especially considering the cold look Iruka was now giving him. What had he done?

Iruka had been his usual self this morning when Kakashi came by to pick Saki up for their morning at the training grounds – where Saki discovered the aforementioned mud puddle. Of course, Kakashi had let the little baby have his fun, commanding Pakkun to watch over him as he did a few hours of much-needed training, stopping intermittently to feed and change Saki. It was an average day for Saki and Kakashi – Iruka knew that going to the training grounds had become a normal part of their day together and never had a problem with it before. In fact, Iruka liked that Saki was outside for a few hours every day, so long as the baby was smothered in sunscreen and under the protective shade of a tree.

When they got back to Iruka's apartment, Kakashi had given Saki his much-needed bath. Of course, Kakashi got soaked from head to toe in a tidal wave the baby had made, so he had peeled off his shirt and laid it out to dry. Somehow, he, Pakkun and Saki had ended up on the couch and had fallen asleep. Apparently he had been out for a few hours, considering the brunet teacher was now home.

But what had he done to deserve that cold look from Iruka?

"When did you get back?" Kakashi asked as he moved to stand, curiously looking at Iruka when the brunet did not immediately answer. In fact, Iruka only glared at him as though he was an idiot. Kakashi had the feeling he was going to get an earful – for some imagined slight or another – so before Iruka worked up the proper level of anger to screech at him, he swiftly carried Saki into the nursery and put him to bed.

Kakashi slowly made his way back out into the living room, his feet dragging as though he was walking towards his own execution. It had been so long since he had had a dressing-down from Iruka, Kakashi could not remember how he had been able to handle Iruka's anger before. He had no urge to hear the brunet yell at him, but he had the feeling he must have done something to cause Iruka's bad mood.

When he finally shuffled his way back into the living room, Iruka was already standing back up. He was facing away from Kakashi, but the jounin could see the tension in his shoulders and all but taste Iruka's anger in the very air.

"Look, I don't know what I did-" Kakashi started out, but was quickly cut off by Iruka as the brunet spun around to glare at him.

"Of course you don't. If you did, it would mean you were a normal person!" Iruka hissed, obviously trying to keep his volume in check, but just barely succeeding. Kakashi could only blankly stare at the brunet, wondering where the hell this was coming from. Had he said something lately to offend Iruka? He couldn't remember saying or doing something that Iruka did not immediately glare at him for.

"You don't care about anyone other than yourself," Iruka continued as he dropped his gaze from Kakashi. He refused to let the jounin see the tears pricking his eyes. He would not let Kakashi know just how deeply he hurt him, even if it was something Kakashi had unknowingly revealed in his sleep.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kakashi asked as he dropped back down onto the couch. He had learned a long time ago to let Iruka's anger run its course. He did not want to become riled up by Iruka's words because, when Iruka came back to his senses, he probably would be apologizing profusely. Running a hand through his hair, Kakashi was slightly astounded to find his hair, for once, had no gel in it to keep it standing on end. Then again, Saki had soaked him from head to toe, so he shouldn't be surprised that the ever-present gel had washed out. It was probably more of a shock for Iruka to see his hair down than for Kakashi to feel how naturally soft his hair was.

"You. You're a heartless bastard," Iruka growled as he spun back around so that Kakashi would not see the betraying wetness on his eyelashes. He could not show the jounin a moment of weakness. "You do anything you want without thinking about anyone else. You don't care whose life you ruin so long as you enjoy yourself."

"Look, if this is about me taking Saki over to Gai's yesterday, I'm sorry. I didn't know that Gai, Anko and Ibiki have hooked up and that they forgot to lock the door."

"What the…no! That's not what I'm talking about!" Iruka had to turn around to shoot Kakashi a heated glare that told the silver-haired man that he would have to explain that little admission later. "I'm talking about you never taking responsibility for anything."

"I don't take responsibility?" Kakashi repeated incredulously, trying to figure out what he had done now in Iruka's mind. If it wasn't him accidentally exposing Saki to a twisted threesome, then what the hell was it? Yes, he let Pakkun watch over the baby, but the ninken had babysat him as a child – if anything, Pakkun was more qualified than he was to babysit! And Iruka had never indicated he had a problem with the pack watching Saki before. If anything, Iruka adored the pack that fawned over his son and him – for some reason accepting Iruka as Kakashi's mate, despite the jounin's adamant declarations that he was just a friend to the brunet. A friend who would have happily thrown Iruka to the floor and fucked him into sweet oblivion if it meant he could erase that look of saddened betrayal from his tanned face, but Kakashi was not about to tell his pack how much he desired Iruka.

"Yes! You take, take, take – but you never think about anyone else! You don't think about your actions or care who you have to step on to get your way." Iruka found himself raking his hands through his hair in attempts to release some of his pent-up anger and frustration, but it didn't help. All he wanted to do was strangle Kakashi until he made the man admit Saki was his son. But not even that would completely heal the pain in his heart that Kakashi's preference for Keiko had caused.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Iruka," Kakashi tried to point out, but his words fell on deaf ears. Slowly, he stood up and walked over to the brunet. He desperately wanted to pull the brunet into his arms and kiss away Iruka's anger. But he had the feeling that this was something much deeper than some imagined slight. All it took was a quick glimpse of Iruka's tear-stained face to know that this was not something small. Whatever he had done this time, he had really hurt Iruka. And he would do anything to make him feel better.

"Saki deserves a father who cares about someone other than himself. But instead he has you!" Iruka could immediately sense the change in the atmosphere. It was as though the temperature of the room had dropped by several degrees. And then there was the murderous aura right behind him that made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. For the first time since he met Kakashi, Iruka understood why this was one of the most feared shinobi in the world. He was Kakashi's close friend and, at the moment, all Iruka could do was tremble.

"Damn it, Iruka. Is that what this is about?"

Iruka had to turn at the sound of Kakashi's voice, no matter the fear that Kakashi's overall attitude struck in him. That deep, dark tone was one that did not sound like it could possibly come from the jounin. But what was worse was the exhaustion and pain he could hear in those same words. As he caught a glimpse of Kakashi out of the corner of his eye, Iruka could see that the jounin's entire expression reflected the emotion in his voice.

"You think I don't want Saki? How the hell more obvious can I make it? I spend every waking moment with him. I haven't been on a mission in months because I want to be around him! My entire life now revolves around Sakumo and you think I don't want him?" For once, Iruka heard what Naruto had claimed was Kakashi's best weapon – his raised voice. It was enough to strike fear into the hearts of the hardest of missing nin. Iruka had no chance as he found himself backpedaling in a mixture of fear and awe. He had never thought he would hear those words from Kakashi, much less with the deep emotion that deep voice held.

"But you sure as hell don't want me," Iruka whispered more to himself than towards Kakashi as he turned away, wrapping his arms around himself to defend against the chill that filled him at his own admission. Suddenly, he found himself spun around and large hands cupping his cheeks, tilting his face upwards so that he had no option other than to look into Kakashi's single visible eye.

"Iruka – you have to be kidding yourself if you think I don't want you," Kakashi whispered as he studied Iruka's face. He would have kissed the teacher senseless just to prove his point, but the disbelief in Iruka's eyes made him rethink his course of action. For some reason, Iruka really believed what he said. He really thought Kakashi didn't want him.

"No, you want Keiko," Iruka spat out his female counterpart's name as though it was a curse. Iruka gave Kakashi a withering glare before he pulled himself out of the jounin's grasp. Crossing his arms across his chest, Iruka shook with unshed tears. How could he possibly compete with a woman who didn't exist? Was it possible to be jealous of her when she was not real? How could he possibly be envious of himself because, when all was said and done, Keiko was him? Not that Kakashi knew that, but it stung to know that the jounin wanted him to be something he could never truly be – a woman.

"I won't lie to you, Iruka. I did want Keiko-"

"You wanted her so much you abandoned her and your child?" Iruka asked, finding it all too easy to talk as though Keiko had been a real person. It was much easier than admitting that Kakashi would have preferred him had he been a woman.

"Would you let me finish?" Kakashi countered quickly, his voice taking on a harsh tone as he glared at the chuunin, successfully silencing the brunet with one hard look. "I wanted her and I will always regret not telling her how much I cared about her." Iruka snorted disbelievingly at those words, but remained otherwise silent when Kakashi gave him a glare.

Kakashi finally started understanding Iruka's anger. He would not like to be thought of as a replacement to a dead cousin either – hell, being any kind of second choice wouldn't sit well with him. But how could Iruka think that he was nothing more than a substitute for his cousin? And the more Kakashi thought about it, the more sense it made. Had he ever once told Iruka how much he appreciated his friendship – or how desperately he wanted something more, but was not sure if he was capable of the long-term relationship Iruka wanted?

"And Saki, what about him?" Iruka whispered as he caught a glimpse of the look on Kakashi's face. He could not even begin to guess what the jounin was thinking, but whatever it was, it made Kakashi look far older than he was. For once, Iruka saw just how much of a toll the hard life of a shinobi had taken on Kakashi.

"Saki is not my son. I don't know why you keep insisting he is," Kakashi said so quietly, Iruka would not have even known he had spoken if he had not been watching the jounin's masked lips move. In that moment, Iruka could see that saying those few words had somehow hurt Kakashi.

"Are you blind? He is just like you. You are his father! Why can't you see that?" Iruka growled as he ran a hand through his hair. He could not understand it. Kakashi loved Saki, but always became defensive if Iruka even hinted at their son's paternity. Now, Iruka could all but see Kakashi's hackles rise at his direct statement.

"He is not mine," Kakashi ground out slowly, trying his best to ignore the painful tightening of his chest at those words. It had been one thing to say those words to Keiko all those months ago, but it hurt so much more to repeat them to Iruka. Now that he knew Saki – now that he loved that little baby – he would have done anything to be able to call him his own. And Iruka's declarations stung far worse than Keiko's words ever had. If for no other reason than Iruka's blind stubbornness by refusing to consider the possibility he was wrong and Kakashi was not Saki's father. Because Kakashi knew that, no matter what he did or said, Iruka would always believe Saki was his child.

"Why is it so hard for you to admit it? There is always a chance of pregnancy when a man and a woman fuck – why can't a genius like you understand that?" Iruka hissed, his voice rising in volume, though he somehow kept himself from outright yelling. And, in a miraculous display of self-restraint, he somehow kept himself from slapping some sense into Kakashi.

For a brief moment, Kakashi stood stunned as he looked at Iruka. The brunet was a romantic – it was one of the many things Kakashi now knew about Iruka after truly getting to know him. The other thing Kakashi now knew about Iruka was that he did not curse easily. For Iruka to forgo all forms of euphemisms and state that Kakashi had fucked his cousin, it was obvious that he was beyond furious.

"I understand that – but Saki isn't mine," Kakashi repeated coldly, his gaze hardening as he watched Iruka fume. "Did you ever think that maybe your cousin slept with someone else and that guy is Saki's father?" It hurt to think of Keiko being in another man's bed, but that was the only explanation for Saki's existence.

"You were the only one!" Iruka exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air as he gave up on keeping his voice down. Fuck it. Saki somehow slept through Naruto's horrible, off-key singing – he could probably sleep through his fathers' argument or the end of the world and not even stir. With that thought in mind, Iruka let his voice rise until he was all but yelling at the jounin. "What is it? That you don't want to put him in danger by admitting he is yours? Because if that is why, you are an idiot. Saki has some of the most powerful shinobi in the village constantly watching over him."

"Damn it, Iruka, I know that!" Kakashi snapped back as he glared at the teacher. Iruka would go through every possible reason and Kakashi was dreading it. How many times could he shoot down Iruka's ideas before the brunet hit on the one real reason for refusing to believe Saki was his own child? Kakashi turned in the direction of the front door, hoping to make his escape before Iruka finally got it right. Because he knew the brunet, Kakashi was certain of one thing: he would not be able to lie to Iruka if the brunet asked him directly about his ability to father a child. The thought of lying to Iruka made his stomach turn sourly.

Kakashi never thought of himself as a coward. How could he when he had spent his entire life thriving on dangers that would even the bravest of shinobi feared? He had never run from a fight. But that was just what he did as he discovered he was truly spineless when it came to the brunet who could make him laugh one moment, then be capable of murder the next without batting an eyelash at his ability to make Kakashi run through the entire spectrum of emotion with a few words.

He didn't care that he had no shirt on. He would do anything to get away from the brunet right now, even if it meant having to roam the village half-naked. Anything would be better than having Iruka pity him. He would not be able to stand it if Iruka knew and gave him that same sorrowful expression that the pack did every time any of his friends found out they were expecting a child. From the pack was one thing; he had gotten used to it over the years. Iruka's pity, however, would tear him apart.

"You're running away again! Why can't you be an adult and take some responsibility for helping make Saki?" Iruka pointed out as he all but raced after the jounin. He wasn't going to let Kakashi get away this time. If he had to hold the older man down, he was going to get a straight answer out of him. He may never be able to have a real relationship with Kakashi because of the man's preference for the female gender, but damn if he would not find out about Kakashi's reluctance for their son's sake. "I know you didn't have much of a relationship with your father, but that is no reason to abandon your own son!"

"Do you really think my father has anything to do with this?" Kakashi spat back as he bent down to quickly fasten his sandals once he reached the front door. Then, as he turned to glance up at Iruka one last time, he knew he had made a mistake. The tears trekking down Iruka's face were not ones of sorrow, but fiery anger.

"I don't know what to think – unless you are that irresponsible and afraid of commitment that you ignore the fact you have a son!" Iruka snapped as he threw his hands up. Everything he knew about Kakashi went against that observation, but what other reason could there be? Why would Kakashi not even consider the possibility that he had fathered a child? Kakashi did not grace him with an answer, but instead moved to leave. Iruka acted without thinking things through, grabbing the jounin's wrist and tugging forcefully enough that Kakashi spun back around and had to look at him. "For a genius who claims he is so loyal, you are the worst sort of liar. You won't even entertain the idea much less see how much like you Saki is! Why can't you just admit that he is your son?"

In an instant, Iruka knew he had pushed the jounin too far by questioning his loyalty. The Copy Ninja's single dark eye glowed with an unholy fire that forced Iruka to step back with a single narrowed glare as Kakashi spun back to snap at the brunet.

"Because I'm sterile!" Kakashi roared as he tore his hand out of Iruka's grip, only realizing what he had all but screamed when he saw the anger wash off of Iruka's face as though he had been doused in ice water. In its place was a stunned expression that made Kakashi's chest do a strange flip. From the shock in Iruka's features, it was obvious he had never once thought sterility could be Kakashi's reasoning.

Kakashi's very stomach plummeted as he saw Iruka shake his head in disbelief. It was as though his body had momentarily turned to stone – though ice would have been a better analogy from the cold shiver that ran through the jounin. Kakashi stepped back, slowly moving closer to the door, his hand blindly reaching for the doorknob, unable to tear his gaze from Iruka's shocked expression.

"Happy now?" Kakashi asked quietly, his tone laced with the pain he had hidden for the past sixteen years as he tried to quash any thoughts of one day having a family. Without waiting for a response from Iruka, he proceeded to storm out of the apartment. He would not be able to stand it if Iruka showed him a moment of the pity Kakashi dreaded.

Iruka stared dumbly at the door as it slammed behind Kakashi. He had no idea how long he stood there, his gaze focused on the wood grain as though it would somehow help him make sense of Kakashi's statement. It could have been seconds – or it could have been hours. Iruka had no way of knowing.

Sterile?

Kakashi was sterile? That couldn't be right. Kakashi was Saki's father – he was the only person Iruka slept with while he was a woman. He was the only person who could have possibly impregnated him. But…how could Kakashi be sterile?

Iruka found himself stumbling backwards in surprise, somehow making his way to the living room and not realizing it until he was sitting down on the couch. Running a hand through his hair, Iruka replayed their argument in his mind, but he couldn't make sense of it. Kakashi couldn't be sterile. But his inability to have children…it fit so well. That flicker of pain Iruka had seen when he first told the jounin about his pregnancy. The close bond Kakashi formed with Saki – as though he was trying to be a second father to the baby, but never thought he could be Saki's biological father. Kakashi really believed there was no way Saki could be his son. And, now knowing the jounin's reason, Iruka found himself questioning just how the hell he had a son sleeping in the other room.

"I'm amazed you got that out of him." Iruka all but screamed at the gruff voice that came from his side. Jumping back, Iruka very nearly had a heart attack until he saw Pakkun sitting back on his haunches and then recalled that the pug had been sleeping on the couch with his master and Saki just a little while ago.

"It can't be…" Iruka whispered as he held his head in his hands.

"I'd like to agree with you, Iruka-sensei. When I first met Sakumo, I thought he looked like Kakashi had as a child. But it might have been wishful thinking. Kakashi has been unable to have children for over fifteen years. It is still a sore subject with him, though he has never admitted it to anyone other than the pack," Pakkun divulged, knowing Kakashi was going to probably kill him later for being so open with the brunet, but the teacher deserved to know. That and Pakkun desperately needed to know more about Iruka. Why did Iruka care so much about Kakashi claiming Saki as his own? Also, he had to figure out why Iruka was, for some reason, marked by Kakashi. Pakkun could feel his master's chakra coming from the teacher and, other than a seal or some other jutsu, there was no logical reason for it.

"But he has to be Saki's father…" Iruka said to himself, though he knew Pakkun could clearly hear him with his sensitive ears. Glancing at the pug out of the corner of his eye, Iruka watched as Pakkun shook his head. And, without thinking, Iruka continued, "Kakashi was the only one I slept with-" Iruka quickly slapped his hands over his mouth, praying the small pug did not hear, but from the wide-eyed stare the dog was giving him, he was not that lucky.

Under different circumstances, Iruka might have laughed at the dog's comic expression of shock.

That was no way to otherwise interpret Iruka's Freudian slip. But that did not mean that it made any sense to the pug as he stared, wide-eyed, at Iruka. "You? You slept with Kakashi?" Pakkun did not know how he made his tongue work, much less pull his jaw up off the floor. Well, that explained the seal…but Pakkun was quite certain humans worked the same as dogs. Females became pregnant – females had babies. Wasn't that how it worked with most creatures? Then what the hell did that make Umino Iruka…or was it really Umino Keiko?

"Please don't tell him!" Iruka begged as he slid off the couch and got on his knees in front of the amazed ninken. "It was a stupid thing to do, but I didn't mean for things to turn out this way! I mean, how was I supposed to know I could get pregnant?"

Pakkun watched in amazement as Iruka's eyes filled with unshed tears. Could it be possible that this human male had actually done the impossible and given Kakashi a child? Oddly enough, Pakkun had seen stranger things – namely Gai-related events – but it all seemed so far-fetched. First off, was Iruka male or female? And no matter his real gender, he had the best damn henge in the world if he could trick Hatake Kakashi!

"I won't tell him right now, but you better find a way to do so and soon. Kakashi will not be happy if he finds out some other way," Pakkun said, both threatening and reassuring the brunet. He knew he would keep Iruka's secret from Kakashi as long as he could, but he could not lie to the rest of the ninken and it was only a matter of time before Bull or someone else slipped up and told Kakashi. And Kakashi would most certainly not be too happy to find out that the "woman" he claimed to have loved just happened to have faked her own death and also lied about her identity when they first met. Then there was the matter of, just possibly, giving him a child that Kakashi had rejected because he no longer believed in miracles.

XXX

Kakashi leaned against the edge of the crib, watching Saki sleep. He was surprised the window was open tonight after his argument with Iruka. Then again, it was a little warm outside, so it might not have been Iruka's way of inviting him in, but keeping the nursery a comfortable temperature. Iruka probably had no idea that he came to watch Saki sleep, even after all these months.

After he had blown up at Iruka, Kakashi had found himself at the memorial, where he had simply sat for hours. So caught up in his thoughts, it was nearly midnight before he realized that he had not come to any definite conclusions concerning his relationship with Iruka or how he should apologize to the brunet for snapping at him. No matter how much Iruka pushed him, he shouldn't have yelled. All Iruka had wanted to know was why he was so certain Saki wasn't his son.

"I wish things were different," Kakashi whispered softly as he gently brushed his fingers across Saki's forehead. Had there even been a remote possibility Saki was his child, he would have been the happiest man alive. But there wasn't. Impossible was impossible, no matter how many other doctors he had gone to after he had been injured. There were only so many ways a medic could put it as they broke it to him that he was infertile.

He had thought he could live with it. He had given up a dream of his to protect his village. It was what any shinobi would have done. But sometimes he could not help but wonder if the price was worth it. Other shinobi gave their lives or the lives of their loved ones in the name of duty. It was what all shinobi had to be prepared to do. And Kakashi was, if nothing else, a loyal shinobi. Yet, as he watched Saki sleep, he knew that this time, the cost was far more than he had been willing to pay.

It had been a year to the day since he slept with Keiko. Kakashi had not realized that until he had thought back of the one greatest night of his life. If there was any kind of merciful god, they would have let him go back and change things. He would have happily taken Keiko into his arms when she told him about her pregnancy instead of horrifying her with his callousness. The realization that he had told her to have an abortion caused bile to rise in his throat. A world without Saki; a painful silence where the baby's joyous laughter and incomprehensible babbling should have been, lonely nights without anything to do other than get drunk and pretend that he was well-adjusted and just like everyone else. What reason to live did he have before Saki? The little baby had become such an important part of his life that Kakashi could not even remember why he had continued fighting for all those years. Now, he had a reason to fight, to live, and to become a better person. It was so that he could protect Saki from any harm; it was the hope of hearing his laughter once again, to feel his tiny hands wrap around Kakashi's finger with such strength, to see the look in his eyes when he studied Kakashi's face.

Had he had the chance to change the past, he would have done things very differently. He would have watched Keiko grow heavy with a child that, though not his by blood, would have been his in every way that mattered. Every night, he would have held her, greedily feeling her abdomen for just a single kick from Saki, knowing that no matter how many times he felt the baby, he would never get enough. He would never get over the wonder of feeling a life grow within her.

But life was a bitch, and there was apparently no such thing as god or, if there was, he or she was one vindictive bastard.

So instead of further pitying himself, Kakashi had done the one thing that made sense to him. He put the ghost of Keiko to rest and with her, his regrets. He finally realized that he would never stop loving her, but he could not throw his life away on what could have been. Instead, he thought of what he wanted for his future. The more Kakashi thought about it, the more surprised he grew about his insight. He could never have had a life with her and, the more he thought about it, the less he felt like he would have found with her what he had with Iruka. He hardly knew the woman who had changed his life – but he knew Iruka better than he knew himself. And, though the thought of a future with Keiko was a fuzzy thing, even had she lived, the thought of spending months…years with Iruka was something Kakashi could easily picture. And he wanted it with every fiber of his being. He had never thought he would have the chance to watch Saki as something other than a family friend or a nightly visitor. He had the opportunity to grow old with such a vibrant and compassionate person at his side. Iruka had offered him all of that, and Kakashi had been an idiot to not have accepted it weeks ago. If the teacher had not changed his mind after their fight tonight, Kakashi would gladly take the chance of having that future. And it was more than he could have ever hoped for.

"I'm sorry."

Kakashi spun around at the sound of Iruka's voice behind him, his hand going to his kunai pouch out of instinct, but the ability to stop himself from attacking the brunet came from the months of getting to know Iruka. Settling for a few deep breaths to calm himself down, Kakashi dropped his hand to his side, but the movement was not missed by Iruka, who flushed in shame.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kept pushing you earlier," Iruka added quietly as he turned to go back to his bedroom. He had just nearly been attacked by Kakashi. It was obvious the jounin didn't want him around. Hell, if Iruka had been in Kakashi's place, he might have actually gone through with it and thrown the blade.

"Don't!" Kakashi said quickly, unconsciously raising his hand as though to stop Iruka from leaving, even though knowing, somewhere in the logical part of his mind, that Iruka was far out of reach. But when had he ever been rational when it came to Iruka? Kakashi did not care that his renowned logic and calm, collected thoughts fled from mind whenever Iruka was around. For once, he let his emotions take a hold of him.

He could read Iruka's body language better than anyone else he knew – so he could feel the jab of self-disgust at causing Iruka a moment of pain. He never meant to hurt Iruka; he never meant to, even for an instant, talk to Iruka as though he was no longer the closest friend he had. He had just been caught by surprise by his own emotional response to Iruka's questions. He had acted on the instincts that had saved his life in other situations and snapped. But Iruka was not some unknown enemy. Before him stood the one person Kakashi was able to bring himself to admit his inadequacies to. It may have been in a moment of uncontrollable anger that he had snapped at him, but Kakashi could not find it in himself to feel any different about Iruka for pushing him into explaining himself. Maybe it was because, sooner or later, he would have told Iruka anyway. Because, of all the people he respected, cared about, and otherwise felt some kind of relationship to, before him stood the one person he trusted above all others. It had taken an entire night in front of the memorial to realize that and, now that he knew just how deeply he felt for Iruka, Kakashi could not help but wonder just how long he had been blind to his own feelings.

"I-I mean…" Kakashi dropped his hand quickly, realizing how much of an idiot he must look like to Iruka. Indecisive, irresponsible, and now, to top things off, acting like some kind of lovesick moron from one of his smutty novels. "I didn't mean…"

With just a single, small smile, Kakashi knew the brunet had forgiven him as though he was accustomed to friends blowing up at him and nearly pulling a blade on him. In that moment, something changed in Kakashi and his chest tightened at the realization Iruka would forgive him for just about anything. Iruka trusted him, respected him, but there was something more to it and, as Kakashi watched Iruka's cheeks take on a pink tinge, he understood Iruka's earlier anger. Iruka cared for him deeply. Whether or not that feeling could be called love did not make a difference to the jounin. His heart tightened all the same.

Iruka gestured for Kakashi to come with him and the jounin, with one final glance down at the sleeping infant, followed Iruka into the brunet's room. As soon as he stepped from Saki's pastel nursery into the dark interior of Iruka's bedroom, Kakashi could feel the change in atmosphere. Or at least his cock did as his eyes scanned the room, finally landing Iruka's bed. Of all the things in the room, the only thing that was messy was the bed and its rumpled sheets that suggested Iruka had not been sleeping well tonight.

Oh, if Kakashi had a choice in the matter, those sheets would be much more mussed by morning and Iruka would have a reason to not sleep through the night.

Kakashi all but jumped back in surprise when Iruka moved back into his line of sight. For a moment, he had forgotten the teacher was even in the room; his mind was so preoccupied with trying to decide what he would do to Iruka first if he had the opportunity. Blinking a few times, Kakashi watched as Iruka climbed onto the bed and gracefully folded his legs underneath himself. No one, not even a shinobi, should have the kind of sinewy elegance that made Kakashi softly groan in desire. Iruka was a walking wet dream, and his obliviousness to his own natural sensuality made him all the sexier.

"I…I didn't mean to push you before. I didn't know-"

"Of course you didn't know. Only a few medics in the world know and they wouldn't tell anyone," Kakashi quickly pointed out as he moved to lean against the closest wall, keeping a safe distance from the brunet because, if he got close enough to touch Iruka, he might just lose what little control he had left.

Kakashi kept his eyes trained on the floor, knowing that if he looked at the brunet, Iruka would see the desire he felt. Not even a mask and a crooked hitai ate covering up three quarters of his face was enough of a disguise to hide his emotion when it came to Iruka.

"Why do I have the feeling you threatened them?" Iruka asked with a raised eyebrow, finding it difficult to ignore the pink tinge creep up from underneath Kakashi's mask. The jounin shifted uncomfortably against the wall, obviously unaccustomed to speaking about a secret, personal matter so openly. If it had been something less serious, Iruka would have made a joke, but this was most certainly the wrong time to be amused at Kakashi's discomfort. Instead of finding pleasure in his friend's situation, Iruka tried to put himself in the tall man's place. Learning as a teenager that he had next to no chance of fathering a child – it was a fate Iruka would have never wished on anyone, much less someone as caring as Kakashi. If anyone deserved to be a father, it was Kakashi.

Kakashi ran his hands up his arms as a means to distract himself from Iruka because, if he let his mind wander too far down the slippery path it had started on, he would find himself joining the brunet on that bed whether or not Iruka invited him. The fact Iruka had yet to show him a moment of pity just made the brunet more desirable – if that was even possible.

"I was injured on a mission when I was seventeen. It was my last mission as ANBU – after that, I couldn't…" Kakashi trailed off, unsure how to explain himself. Would Iruka understand if he said he went through a selfish phase after he found out about his sterility? That, in the same breath as damning Konoha for taking away the only thing he had to look forward to some day, he had promised to sleep with every available woman in the village until he proved the medics wrong? Would Iruka be able to appreciate the fact that, somehow, Kakashi had returned to sanity and went back on missions despite everything he lost? But he refused to don his mask ever again. It was just too much to go back to his old life as though nothing had changed when in fact, everything was different.

Glancing up at Iruka, Kakashi took a deep breath and somehow found the words he was looking for. "They said it was impossible for me to have children. I didn't believe them and, immature idiot that I was, set out to prove they were wrong. I'm sure you heard about my reputation." At those words, Iruka flushed a bright crimson that answered Kakashi's questioning statement with a resounding, unspoken yes. "I slept with every woman I could. I took chances that, looking back on it, were not only reckless, but dangerous. I never used a condom – just one…that's all I needed…just one pregnancy to show the medics I wasn't sterile. I didn't care who the woman was. I just wanted...the chance to hope for a real family one day."

Iruka listened in stunned silence. He had never considered Kakashi's years of sleeping through the village's female population as something other than the actions of a chronically horny jounin who was made for pleasure. Did Kakashi even enjoy himself? From the tone of his voice, probably not; he probably saw each act of intercourse as another mission. And felt the same disappointment when he was unsuccessful each and every time. He had never failed a mission that had been important for the safety of the village, but his personal life was in shambles because he could never succeed in his self-imposed mission of becoming a father.

"Years…years I lived like that…but not even one glimmer of hope. After so long, I couldn't keep pretending that I was perfectly fine. A couple years ago, I just gave up," Kakashi admitted, his voice filled with the exhaustion and defeat that he must have felt every day since he realized his infertility was one thing that no amount of training or inborn skills could overcome.

Iruka nodded his head at Kakashi's words – so that would explain the jounin's seemingly sudden turn from heterosexual sexual fantasy to the man who was everyone's wet dream. Male, female, multiple partners – Kakashi had more than just a reputation. He was a legend larger than the Hokage monument. Some called him promiscuous or one lucky bastard – others rightfully called him a man-whore, though never to the famed jounin's face out of fear of what the man would do to them. "Pakkun and the pack were worried about me, so they went behind my back and signed me up to take on a genin team…they thought I'd be content training kids…"

Iruka found himself biting his lip at that admission. In all his years since graduating Naruto, he wondered why Hatake Kakashi, of all people, chose to take on a team. It had been Pakkun's well-intentioned attempt at substituting pre-teens for a child Kakashi thought he would never have. If he did not strangle the meddling pug for sticking three teens with an emotionally-compromised jounin who knew nothing about children, Iruka might just have to hug him for being such a loving canine that he would do anything to help his master get through a difficult time in his life.

"Don't get me wrong – Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura mean a great deal to me…but…"

"They aren't your children," Iruka finished for him with a shrug, understanding completely. How could he not know that same feeling when he had taught students for so many years, but he had only two children who became his entire life? He had thought raising Naruto would have been enough. Yet, with only ten years separating them, Naruto was more his brother than his son, and Iruka had somehow forgotten that small fact until Saki came along. From the first moment he first felt Saki kick him, he had known that nothing could compare to having a child of his own.

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed weakly as he studied Iruka. Watching the brunet closely, Kakashi remembered Iruka's own past. Raising the Kyuubi's container as his brother could not have been easy, but despite having Naruto around, Iruka was alone. He was not one for long-term relationships either, but his past was, by far, much less debauched than Kakashi's. Then he had his cousin's newborn child dumped in his lap and was now raising Saki as his own son. Kakashi knew that Iruka had adopted Saki more than just legally. In Iruka's mind and in his heart, Saki was his child.

Kakashi wished he could openly admit that he felt the same way towards Saki.

Iruka watched the emotion plaguing Kakashi's visible eye and, as he recognized the feelings in that dark eye, his stomach did a flip. Slowly, he unfolded his legs and slid off of the mattress. Iruka had no idea what he was going to do; all he was sure of was that he had to be closer to the jounin who was now looking at him with a mixture of envy and desire.

"When I was a teen, I thought it was that I wanted someone to carry on my family's name," Kakashi admitted quietly as he looked down at the floor. Trying to sort through his own feelings was not something the jounin was accustomed to, but as Iruka approached him, he knew that it was far past time he let himself be selfish for a moment. It was about time he thought of himself and what he wanted instead of what was best for the rest of the village. And all he wanted was the life Iruka had so selflessly offered him. "Now…" He started out, trailing off as Iruka moved to stand in front of him. He could see the teacher's bare feet, but Kakashi could not muster up the courage to look up into the brunet's face. He was terrified that he would find pity in Iruka's features. Instead, he kept his gaze entirely focused on the floor as he continued, "Now, I know it has nothing to do with the Hatake name…it's because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life."

Kakashi would have continued to stare at the floor until he burned a hole through the hardwood, but Iruka's gentle, warm touch at his jaw forced him to raise his gaze. As the brunet tilted his head up, Kakashi found his face cradled by a pair of hands that were powerful, but right now, were capable of the softest caress the jounin had ever experienced.

"Baka…" Iruka whispered as he forced Kakashi to look him in the eye. At this close distance, Iruka did not have to wonder about Kakashi's emotions. They shone as clearly in Kakashi's single eye as they had rung in his sincere words. Brushing his thumbs against Kakashi's masked cheeks, Iruka could not stop the corners of his lips tilting up as he realized just how much this man must care for him to speak so openly. Knowing that, Iruka could not stop himself from offering up the one statement that he somehow knew would change his entire life. "You aren't alone. You have Saki and me – if you want us."

Disbelief flooded through him as he realized Iruka had not changed his mind. Kakashi furrowed his eyebrows as he searched Iruka's face for something – anything – that would make logical sense. All he needed was a rational reason for Iruka to want him in his and Saki's lives. But the warmth in Iruka's eyes and the hesitance in his smile did not appeal to Kakashi's renowned rationality, but the jounin's heart. Kakashi, for the first time in his life, did not recall that he was supposed to be a strategic genius, a famous shinobi, or any of the countless other titles he had accumulated over the years. All that mattered right now was he was a man whose heart pounded as he stared into compassionate brown eyes and whose tongue lost all of its confidence in the presence of that beautiful smile. The only thing Kakashi could say as he bowed his head was the one answer both men most wanted to hear.

"Oh, I want."

XXX

Authoress: *fans herself frantically* HOT DAMN! *faints* *revives self* Now, because of FFN finally following their ratings...I had to remove the ensuing lemon (I apologize...). But, for those of you who are like me and perverts to the very end, please go to adult FFN (same user name, same story title, same chapter number...)! I'd give the link, but FFN doesn't like links and keeps messing them up...but I am moving all my stories over in their unedited glory so that FFN can't boot me off! Yosh!