This chapter is for all those people who have issues that make them think they're to blame for everybody's problems, people like me also, very horny at the end.

Chapter 25: When you don't even know what to believe.

It was past three in the morning when Beca came back home. She had been eight hours out, and she hadn't had dinner, but she wasn't hungry anyway. She had visited her therapist, and cried in her arms and then spoken her heart out with the raspiest of voices. Then, she had walked around the bad neighborhoods that everybody avoided and gave her more intimacy. She walked around the city for ours, and only replied her phone once, to a worried Scott, to assure him she was fine, she knew how to take care of herself, and that she would be home before dawn.

She dragged her feet through the floor of their corridor, too tired emotionally and physically to walk normal. Beca didn't even know why she stood those things and didn't send everybody and everything to hell and left with a fake identity to travel the world. She hated people sometimes. Beca thought she would crash in the sofa, but then she realized Noah was capable of getting up earlier than her, because he had school, and would find her there and worry. But she didn't want to sleep in Chloe's bed, afraid that the redhead would still have another outburst and she would pay it, maybe angriness over Beca stealing sheets that were supposed to cover her big belly. She could crash at Scott's bed, but the boy would probably be tired and asleep and Beca would rather die than bother her little brother. So she settled for the bathtub. She entered her bedroom, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"Bec?" Chloe asked. Beca was unable to see her in the darkness "Bec?" Chloe asked again.

"Yes." Beca said, surprised of hearing her voice so croaky "It's me." Beca didn't want Chloe to worry that she was some serial killer or something.

"Becs…" Chloe turned the lamp and Beca saw her eyes were glassy and red, like if she had been crying all the time. Beca's were better, thanks to the cold air of the air in the City "I'm so sorry Beca. I'm such a fool, I'm so incredibly sorry, I feel so bad." Chloe jumped out of the bed and hugged Beca the best she could with their twins in the middle "I've been so horrible towards you, you don't deserve one bit of it, you've been so good and lovely." Beca simply stood with her arms hanging numbly, suppressing a yawn.

"Let me go to sleep. Please." Beca whispered "That's all I want right now." Chloe pulled apart.

"Of course, of course… I'm sorry, come, let's go to bed…"

"No. I'll sleep in the bathroom." Beca stated, her eyes already closing.

"What? No, you'll break your back. If anybody should sleep in the bathroom, it's me." Chloe replied.

"You're pregnant and the twins deserve better." Beca said "So I'm going to the bathroom, and you get the bed."

"Why won't you sleep with me?" Chloe said with a sad expression Beca avoided by losing the battle against the eyelids that wanted to close so badly.

"Because I don't want to end up being accused of stealing your sheets or anything." Beca said "Like the other day. And I'm not bothering my brother, or letting our kid see me sleep in the sofa. So bathroom will be excellent."

"I see…" Chloe's voice was barely audible "At least take the pillows…"

"No, you need them." Beca started to move towards the bathroom and then she heard a sob.

"I thought you loved me…" Beca heard Chloe sob, and her eyes opened wide. She felt angriness and sadness boiling and before she could know what she was doing, she had slapped the switch to turn the lights on and turned around walking towards Chloe.

"You know what? At this point" Beca said trying not to raise her voice, but rushing it, her expression showing how hurt she was "I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in love anymore. I fought for you for years while you forgot about me and went to almost marry somebody else, a dick no less, I fought for our son, when everybody wouldn't stop saying I wasn't a mom good enough for him, I almost died in order to get you back, I prepared an amazing proposal, I suggested counseling only to be told by our counselor that after all I put you through it was normal if you acted bad with me from time to time and I just had to put up with that, I went to therapy for years, still go, so I could be good enough for you, I made sure the wedding was awesome just for you, I went through firecrackers mostly for our family, I take care of you! I'm still standing after all the hell everybody threw at me not even after I recovered from being a disabled, because everybody hated me for what I did to you, not even Jesse would look me in the eye, and you know what? I thought, 'you have it deserved Beca', because that's the only thing everybody has made sure I don't forget! And even after I explained you everything, even after you swore you forgave me, that you loved me, you still use any chance you get to remind me how I deserve every single misery in my life, like hurting you made it valid for everybody else to hurt me and invalided my humanity and my feelings!" Beca cried like if she had been wanting to cry for too long, which probably, she had been "So tell me, Chloe." She sobbed "What do I have to do so you consider I've suffered enough to compensate your suffering and we can move on? Kill myself? Is that it? Because at this point, you know I probably will! Hell yes, why not?" Suddenly Beca moved to the closet and pulled a box from a shelve that was at the top, opening it up to show a pistol divided in two pieces that she started putting together. Chloe's eyes widened and she ran to Beca, putting the pieces away from Beca's hands.

"What the hell Beca? No!" Chloe had her own eyes glassy, and Beca cried harder "I don't want you to kill yourself!"

"Then shoot me yourself! I deserve it, right? It can't be that Beca gets off lightly after all the damage she has done." Beca sobbed, and then she wasn't able to talk anymore and just walked backwards until her back hit the closet and she slid to the floor. Chloe stood speechless, a knot in her throat and her mouth opening and closing without saying a word, until Scott stormed into the room.

"What the hell is going on? It's almost four and…" Scott stopped in his tracks watching the scene and his eyes widened as he saw the gun "What's happening?" he added full of worry and Chloe looked at him and shook her head.

"What happens is that we paid with the wrong person and she almost tried to kill herself, now that doing it wouldn't result in Morrison killing us all." Chloe whispered "I took the gun in time."

"What? Beca, what?" Scott looked at her sister and then at Chloe, and ran towards his sister, kneeling beside her and taking her face between his hands tenderly, guiding her eyes towards his "Sh… it's fine, what's the matter Bec?" Beca breathed deeply trying to calm herself "Do you want a hug and then you can tell me what's wrong when you're calmer?" Beca nodded and Scott pulled her into her arms. With a bit of difficulty due to her belly, Chloe sat on the floor at Beca's other side and stroke her back in circles "Chlo, why don't you quickly go make sure Noah's sleeping? Quick check." Noah suggested and Chloe nodded getting up. She was back in position a couple minutes later, and by then Beca was almost asleep in Scott's arms, as he rocked her back and forth like a baby.

"Noah is okay, he was sleeping but I stayed for a bit to make sure he wouldn't wake up." Chloe informed and Scott nodded with his cheek pressed against Beca's hair "Thanks a lot Scott."

"Any time." Scott managed a smile "What happened?"

"Well, picture this. A kid is mistreated by his parents as a child, and nobody realizes and he can't ask for help because he would get more hurt. So he shuts up and then grows up." Chloe explained "And does something really bad and loses everything. And then his parents go to prison, but he's still hurt, and he still treated people bad because of how bad he was feeling, and he still has lost everything and even paid a small time in prison. So he does everything in his hands to fix things and get forgiveness, and after people swore he had their forgiveness, they still punish him and treat him poorly every now and then."

"Okay…" Scott looked intrigued.

"That's pretty much what we did to your sister. Mostly me." Chloe sighed and rubbed away a tear that wanted to come out "And I didn't even realize until like tonight."

"God… really?" Scott frowned "Why?"

"Because Beca's right. After the divorce, my whole family had the worst opinion of her and hated her, and even when she woke up after almost dying, they were cold and distant, only going to visit because they didn't want her to die either. The same happened to many of our friends, to me… well, Jesse, Aubrey and I still cared a lot, obviously, but mostly out of old affection, old love, and pity, and the fact that she was still Noah's momma. Then we saw how bad she actually was and we all decided to put our angriness aside and just help her out, but I think we still were really cold and distant, although more attentive maybe? I don't know. Jesse and Aubrey took care of her when the hospital cleared her out but she was still in a wheelchair and pretty bad. Jesse helped her find a job in the FBI so she could move on. Then the military said all kinds of stupid things about her…" Chloe shook her head and let go a sob. Scott stroke her back with one hand gently.

"It's okay, just tell me what happened." Scott said.

"I imagine we all decided karma had already revenged what she did to me, and stopped being cruel, tried to reconcile and she really changed for good, she seemed calmer and happier not being a soldier anymore. But truth is, Noah has had very cruel outbursts towards her, and she just said she deserved it, and even I thought that deep inside." Chloe said, calming down a little.

"But that was more than a year ago. It hasn't happened anymore." Scott said.

"No, it has, Scott, it has. Even after she apologized, even after she explained everything that happened. I've still gotten angry at her and said cruel things, you saw it, and we've had our little arguments, nothing too big, but Beca was always the one not saying cruel stuff and letting me talk and then apologizing. And when we've been in counseling, the counselor did say things like 'well Beca, since you were so cruel towards Chloe it's only natural that she gets pissed at you until every bit of angriness she has inside towards you goes away, you should just wait until it goes away'. And it's so unfair and I never did anything, I believed the counselor, Beca did. For years, Beca has lived under an assumption that we all instigated that she had been so bad, she deserved everything bad that happened because it was just karma. It never mattered if she apologized a thousand times and made up a trillion times with generous acts of love and selfness."

"She compensated." Scott nodded slowly.

"Yes, a thousand times. She's been nothing but kind and lovely even if we were cold with her. I remember one time not too long after she left the hospital, we were at the Swanson's house, and I was visiting, just seeing how she was doing and Noah wanted to see his momma so we went" Chloe explained "And Aubrey was so busy, between the kids, that were six and four, and Jesse had so much work and Aubrey had her work plus two kids plus a disabled person. And had you seen it… Beca was always offering help to the point we would pretty roughly tell her to just stay in her chair and let it be. And she would not argue, would not cry at least in front of us and if we were all talking and nobody was interacting with her she just contemplated us like she was content with that. God, now that I think about it, it's so sad…"

"What did she ever do that was so bad?" Scott asked curious. Beca was by then definitely deep asleep in Scott's arms, so he carried her to bed, putting her shoes, pants and jacket away and tucking her in, before going back to the floor and sitting beside Chloe.

"It progressed very slowly actually. At first she was just cold, distant, avoiding eye contact, sighing a lot… slowly, she stopped to laugh, smile, kiss, or have any kind of affective contact towards anybody. We all asked what was fine, and she would say nothing time after time. If we tried the angry approach, she would get even angrier and yell us to leave her alone, and she has never been the yelling kind. But yeah, she started to yell at nothing, get frustrated with the tiniest things, she didn't vocally complain but she would show her disgust towards so many things, including changing Noah's diapers when he was still very little." Chloe explained.

"Wow…" Scott whispered, and Chloe nodded.

"We all tried, stepped in, approached different, and got her to try a therapist. Marriage counseling even. Nothing worked. Deployment after deployment she got worse at gigantic steps. She stopped liking music, saying it was a bunch of stupid stuff for dreamers. She stopped telling Noah tales saying he should have some sense of reality and not some crap somebody made up about an idealistic life."

"That sounds so un-Beca."

"Yeah. That was what angrier me the most. And I had work, I had to leave her with Noah alone from time to time. Despite complaining and huffing, Beca always attended Noah when I was out, but he always told me she was so cold and moody. I still saw she seemed to change when he was close, she would say rough stuff sometimes like 'Noah, that's for babies', but she was always tender and attentive, overprotective even. At some point, she was drinking too much, and she was a paranoid, completely. Every little noise at night woke her up, she would be always asking who was calling my cell, she would get paranoid over security, over my fidelity towards her, over anything, every time somebody would say something to someone in private in a room she was in but not talking to her, she started yelling things like 'oh yeah, hide things away from me'. She always thought the worst of everybody."

"PTSD?"

"Maybe, I don't know, she refused to talk. Sometimes I told her we couldn't keep going like that, that if she didn't talk to me I'll have to separate ways. Sometimes she reacted crying to that, but most time she would start yelling. Inciting me to leave, calling me ungrateful, whore, bitch…"

"God…"

"Yeah… She never touched me though." Chloe explained "But she had very angry outburst really frequently. She got possessive, overprotective, paranoid, she barely slept, which made it even worse, she would never talk about anything and barely show enthusiasm to anything anybody told her but then she got mad if people didn't talk with her in public things. She drank, she didn't care if there were people present, she would get angry still. She got to the point of yelling to my father, saying terrible things like that he was a son of a bitch, a bastard, an asshole, a brat… he would yell to her even more, of course, and one time my brother in law, my sister and I intervened because they were about to hit each other, and were only able to pull them apart after Beca had a bruised eyed and my father a broken lip, my mother almost called police. She was out of control and my family forbad her to get into their houses. The Swansons did too, and everybody came here very often because they were terrified Beca would hurt us. Noah cried so much, and a couple times, the neighbors called police. I sent police away and Beca would cry apologizing and all. It was just a mess. And I'm a social worker, I had seen those situations and called police myself in my job, and put kids away, I knew I had to divorce her and kick her out or she would never get better. And I wasn't afraid, I would yell at her and get angry at her and confront her."

"Now I understand things a bit better."

"Yeah… I'm so thankful you're here Scott. I really want to help her, but I don't know how much Morrison and the military messed her up. She had never tried to kill herself before." Chloe said.

"Well, for now, we better go to bed. Tomorrow, we'll see what happens." Scott pulled away the pistol again, and each went to their bed.

Chloe got up to her daughters kicking her intestines and groaned putting a hand on her belly. She was really hungry but she felt too tired to do anything. She saw Beca wasn't there, and had left her side of the bed pretty neat, which made Chloe wonder if the brunette had left more things too neat. After seeing it was already nine in the morning and Noah and Scott had probably left already, Chloe decided to go downstairs. The house was in silence so Chloe went to the kitchen and made herself a bowl of cereals, that she started eating as she entered the living room. For her surprise, Beca was sitting by the table, and half of the table was filled with papers and rubber dust. There was also a ruler and Beca's inhaler. Without saying a word, Beca looked up and moved an arm to push most of the things that were on the table closer to her, like to make some space. Then she went back to her tasks, whatever those were.

"Good morning sweetie." Chloe said with a tiny smile "Guess who were kicking this morning!" Beca looked up to Chloe's belly for a moment and then back to her work.

"That means they're fine and strong." Beca whispered with a raspy voice and used the ruler to draw a line on the paper with a pencil.

"Yes." Chloe nodded and sat next to her. She started eating in silence and in the meantime, paid a closer attention to the papers. They seemed to be sketches of a crib and parts of it, with measures written and some other notes "Aw, you're gonna make the babies a crib?"

"I'm making sketches for now, but you can throw them away if you don't like them. I bet Ikea makes better cribs than I do anyway." Beca replied. Chloe noticed that there were bags under her eyes and her voice sounded raspy and weak, and it broke her heart to think she had still been crying earlier. Because of her.

"I beg to differ, yours will be better for sure. And it's a wonderful idea, because Noah's crib is not big enough for two babies, I even think it has a leg broken." Chloe said kindly.

"Wow, are my ears deceiving me or you're agreeing with something related to your babies? Mmm… you must be sick." Beca said without looking at her. Chloe shrugged even knowing she wasn't looking, and finished her bowl in silence.

"You knocked some sense into my brain last night." Chloe commented "I realized you're right and it's so obvious I don't even know how I could miss it all along. I've been resentful even though you've been nothing but amazing, loving, caring…" Chloe shrugged "And the worst thing is I let a lot of people be resentful towards you and blame you for things that aren't your fault and even if they were, you already apologized for them a million times and made things to make up for them. I love you, I do Beca, I really do, and you have all the right to be angry at me because it was my mission to see those things and step up for you. If I didn't it wasn't because I didn't love you, but because I choose to believe them because I was resentful, and I'm sorry Beca. I'm really sorry I let you believe you deserved more punishment, because you don't. You've paid more than enough, and it's time to move on, and I want to make it easier for you, not harder like I've been doing." Chloe said kindly "Yesterday was completely out of place and I'm ashamed of how I acted, you didn't deserve it and hormones aren't excuses. I was bitter, I was mean, I was cruel, and I'm not that kind of a person, and I'm sorry I was like that yesterday. I promise I'll do everything in my power to stop that, alright? I'll see my therapist, or whatever it takes, I'll do whatever it takes. I'm so sorry Beca, but I'm not gonna fail you again."

Beca stopped working and contemplated the table without really paying attention to it for a few moments of silence until she spoke.

"So am I their mother too? Do I have any right over them? Do I get to decide anything regarding them?" Beca asked.

"Yes, yes, and a hundred times yes." Chloe smiled "You are their momma just like you are Noah's, and they couldn't have asked for a better one. And I actually like many of your ideas, I just… I don't know. I don't know why I acted like I acted, but I'll figure things out with myself, that's not your job."

"Okay." Beca nodded "Thanks."

"You never told me if you liked Riley." Chloe commented after a few moments of silence.

"True." Beca nodded "Yeah, I like it. Sounds pretty badass, cool, so people don't think that ginger is just a pretty doll."

"Yeah right?" Chloe smiled again "So, how does Riley Mackenzie Mitchell sound to you?" Beca stared at her stupefied.

"I suggested Mackenzie." Beca said matter of factly and Chloe nodded.

"Yeah, and I like it. Did you know in Gaelic it means born of fire? Ironic for a ginger, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Beca smiled "Riley Mackenzie Mitchell, uh? Sounds great to me."

"Yes?" Chloe grinned "And what about, I don't know, Madeleine Roseanne Mitchell for her sister? We could call her Maddie for short."

"I suggested that one too." Beca smiled wider "I love it."

"Then I think we reached an agreement." Chloe grinned and pointed at the papers with her head "So, explain me the project? Is it a big crib for the two or one for each? I think it would be great for them to stick together." Beca nodded and looked to the drawings, scratching her cheek nervously.

"Yeah, I thought the same. Is one, but I did it 120 centimeters the both sides, so it's like to standard newborn cribs together. And we could surround the babies with pillows so they're cozier until they get bigger, and see, I was planning to build like little closets under it so we have their clothes close by, or whatever we put there, and it will also make the crib taller so we don't have to lean so much to reach the twins, and they won't be so close to the floor and the dust on it. I'm gonna put little wheels so the whole structure can move easily…"

They were discussing things about the crib for a long time, putting ideas in common and everything. After a long chat, Beca went back to work and Chloe went to take a short nap before Noah came back from school. Chloe woke up to a voice singing very softly, almost in a whisper, the Backstreet Boys' song 'Madeleine' changing the name Madeleine for Riley occasionally. She opened her eyes already with a smile on her face and saw Beca was lying horizontally in bed with her chin on her arms and her nose almost stuck to Chloe's belly, with her index finger she was softly beating against the belly according to the rhythm of the song.

"Remember when we used to sit and watch from the bridge and wonder where the ships would go, who was on and what they would find out. You wrote it in a notebook and said someday that this would be a story to tell and you'd put it in a movie, maybe be the movie star, something stole your tears and wiped your smile away. Hold on, don't let go. Hold on and you'll know, help is on its way… Rise up, rise up, rise up, Madeleine, the sun will come out again. Rise up, rise up, rise up, Riley. The summer will come and… kiss you with honesty, love you unconditionally, trust you and let you breathe, give you back your dignity… So rise up, rise up, rise up little girl… 'Cause only you can Madeleine. Let the sunshine warm your heart today, so rise up, rise up, rise up, Riley… Rise up, rise up, rise up, Riley… the sun will come out again. Rise up, rise up, rise up, Madeleine. The summer will come and kiss you with honesty, love you unconditionally, trust you and let you breathe, give you back your dignity, So rise up, rise up, rise up little girl. 'Cause only you can little girl." The few changes Beca had done to the lyrics to adapt it to both her girls moved Chloe and between that and the hormones a sob could not be avoided. Beca stopped immediately and looked up to Chloe, the tiny smile she had in her face faded, and worriedly she climbed to Chloe's face, stroking her cheek "Hey, what's wrong? Did I bother you? I bothered you, right? I was too loud…"

"No." Chloe smiled "It's just that it was so beautiful…"

"Oh." Beca smiled "So I did nothing wrong?"

"Exactly. I love you Rebeca Mitchell." Chloe said caressing Beca's chin.

"Good, because I love you too, dork." Beca leaned and kissed Chloe deeply, their tongues dancing together. The kiss soon heated and Chloe felt herself quite horny.

"How long do we have until the boys come home?" Chloe asked.

"An hour and a half." Beca replied, kissing her again. Chloe smiled against the kiss, already fidgeting with Beca's sweater. Soon, they were only in their panties, and Beca was on top of Chloe, kissing her deeply, and then Beca descended kissing her neck, until she arrived her breasts, that were at least two sizes bigger since she had gotten pregnant, and she entertained herself there for quite a long time while Chloe moaned in pleasure. Then, Beca filled the surface of Chloe's belly with kisses until she reached the verge of the panties, that she quickly pulled down "I'm gonna start calling you The Panties Destroyer." Chloe laughed and the laugh transformed into a long raspy moan as Beca's tongue slid inside of her, her fingers soon substituting it to pump her hard and fast, while her thumb drew circles against her clit.

"Beca, oh God Beca!" Chloe's back arched as she reached her orgasm.

"That was quick." Beca commented falling beside her and hugging her, giving her a kiss on the lips "I love you, you know?"

"I love you too." Chloe whispered recovering from her high "I don't know if I should lick you because everything I eat goes to our girls, but I have ten fingers, wanna try?"

"Definitely." Beca smirked.

"Bring me those boobies." Chloe smiled moving to put as much of one of Beca's boob inside her mouth as possible, her tongue playing with her nipple.

"Aw, yazzz!" Beca closed her eyes enjoying the feeling and soon, Chloe's fingers were stretching her real good, and she was coming hard.