Sam's POV
Beautiful
When I was 16 my mom kicked me out of the house she said she would never have a gay son
Perplexed bewildered; puzzled: a perplexed state of mind.Yea that pretty much describes my state of mind at the moment as I sat here in the group still unsure how I manged to get here after the talk with Steph the day before she gave me the night to think about it, and I did all night that's all I did I thought about what I had to live for would anyone care?
The Kid who was talking was now 17 he looked like every other typical all American high school boy tall skinny but buffed dark chocolate skin with hazel eyes his head was bald and he wore a baseball hat to his left side.
The pain in his eyes and in his voice broke my heart cause it spoke to me all these kids did it made me start to see how lucky I was as hard as I had it at times I always knew I had people in my corner.
Some of these kids like Danny and Melissa and Kim weren't so lucky the whole time I sat and listened as this girl named Mystic who was 19 told us about how she was outed by her church minster during church she had known since she was 15 that she was bisexual she was like many kids she dated boys but she also started to notice girls she wasn't sure how to deal with it her parents were hard core Christians who believed gays were going to hell and would never support any other life styles other then what the bible said to be a good Christian life style.
I was 10 when I heard my dad and his friends at a dinner party mocking this co-worker who was gay they mocked the way he talked, walked whatever he said was open field for them to pick apart. I heard my dad said how he was living was a sin and he hoped he caught aids and died..my mom said that we should get a room lock all the homosexuals in a room pour gasoline in it and light a match.
I started dating a girl who was my age we went to the same school but hung in different crowds we got assigned as partners in bio and we started talking she was Christian like me we studied the bible every night and we talked about our belief's and we bonded over our fears so we kept our relationship a secret..we started having sex after we had been together for six months she was sweet and gentle she had been in a relationship before where I hadn't ..she took her time with me but as soon as we made love I knew I was in love...we planned to leave our home state and go to school together...then one of the church ladies saw us together she said we needed to announce our sins and be saved ..we refused so she told the minster and he denounced us during congregation and said if we didn't repent we were excelled from the church...our parents flipped my mom dropped to her knees screaming for god to forgive her for raising such a monster my dad refused to talk to me.
In the end my girlfriend did what she was told to and dumped me I was kicked out of my house after I refused to admit that who I was ..wasn't some kind of mutation I was proud of who I was ..who I am so
I left and ran away I lived on the streets for two years till I was lucky enough to hear about this place..
I'm still not sure where my life is going but I know I'm lucky to be here ..
How did you find the strength to make that decision? When my dad found out I was gay he lost it ..I
Just don't know how I can go on I'm only 15 it seems pointless ..
The pain in Toronto's face spoke volumes to me I wanted to reach out to him and hug him he seemed like such a sweet kid not the type I usually hung with but he seemed like the type I could get to know and be friends with ..kids like Toronto inspired me.
What kind of things do you like to do man?
Hold onto that
I'm not good at anything really I was just trying to figure out what I was good at
What activates did you do?
Soccer mainly but I was never a star I do like planning things I was always the one that everyone went to when they needed help planning parties and surprising people..
Did you ever think that maybe you could do something with that?
No I never thought about it I mean I was just starting high school and I was just trying to survive ya know
What did your parents say when you came out?
I watched his face his emotions ran across them like a lighting storm across glass it was clear as day how he was torn up.
My Mom was cleaning my room which was as my sister said was a pigs dream and she found my playgirl there and she went crazy demanding to want to know why I had those fifthly mags in my room..and I couldn't lie I mean she's my mom and I'm horrible at lying. I stutter and sweat..it's not pretty..she started crying and saying I was going to hell and that I was a bad kid and that I needed to be fixed ...but my dad he..well he wouldn't look at me he just went to my room grabbed my book-bag and threw my school stuff away and shoved some clothes into it threw it down the steps turned away and slammed his bed room door...
My sister she was only 8 and she didn't understand she started crying and begging me not to leave I tried to hug her and reassure her I would see her again but my mom grabbed her screaming at me not to touch her like what I had was some kind of contiguous disease …
I left it was the scariest chiz ever I had never been homeless..
Where did you go Toronto?
He looked up at Steph who was running the group...he didn't want to answer...like we all didn't know what he was forced to do..there's not many options for street kids, Not any pretty ones for sure.
Slept where ever I could whenever I could hitch hiked started having sex to make money I got caught up in a sex trafficking ring ...I was there 9 months before the police raided this club I was kept at they
Brought me here...
How did you get through ?
He looked at Mystic and shrugged …
I just did there was no trick it was just I had no choice they watched you like a hawk I couldn't run and as much as I wanted to die I couldn't get a hold of anything to kill myself with..
Would you do it if you had a chance?
Without a doubt...
How did you get through Mystic?
Easy music
Mystic said without even having to think about it...
After the group broke up I went to the window sill and sat on top of the heater looking out the weather looked gorgeous and I wish with everything I had I could be out there being in here was like prison to me and I hated it even though I kind of knew I needed it it didn't make me hate it any less.
Kids were milling around but I wasn't feeling very sociable sighing as I leaned my head back against the wall I wondered how long it would be till I saw Carly again I missed her so damn bad. I just wanted to be held again and know I was loved.
So Sam how was your first session you were quiet which is fine not everyone talks right away it's a huge step for you just to be here you care to share anything with me?
For awhile I stayed quiet my head was starting to hurt what they passed as food around here was sickening and I needed real meat.
I feel so out of place
Why would you say that Sam?
Cause all these kids they have real issues
You think your issues are any less real?
Compared to them yea I mean I hated being teased and bullied but at least I always had Spencer and Carly and heck even the nub...
What about your Mom?
What about her? She wasn't there Carly was more of a mom to me then Pam was
When can I see Carly?
Shortly your doing good Sam
Great do I get a treat ?
She laughed as she helped me down. I wandered around for a bit before heading to my room all this chiz was exhausting.
After the next session the next day Steph pulled me aside ..
We were talking a lot about mentors in today's group Sam and one of the things we do here Sam is we participate in something called the It gets Better Project..ever hear of it?
Yea here and there it's for LGTB youth to encourage them not to off themselves
Correct well here at laugh we do a little side project inspired by them we pair our kids with mentors from this area who volunteer their time to help our kids they meet every Wednesday and after they get out they can decided when and if to meet again..
How do you pick these people?
Well we try to base each match on similar likes and hobbies
So do I get one of these mentor thingys?
Yes you do sweetie
She laughed ruffling my hair which was a mess. I glared as I shifted a yawn.
She called to someone as I struggled to keep my eyes open which the meds seemed intent on keeping closed.
Hey you must be Sam..
I looked up to see a very tall and thin women who was straight off the dang runway coming in she had this unruly blondish/ brown hair which was a total dye job she was wearing the shortest mini halter top which didn't cover any of her stomach her short / tight jean shorts were held up by red suspenders she had long nails each painted a different funky color. She looked so strangely familiar..but my brain was half dead. I stifled another yawn as Steph motioned for me to come closer my whole body felt weak. What the heck were these meds doing to me?
This lady had killer red boots on that Carls would kill for. The outfit was strange and on anyone else it would look hideous but she managed to pull it off and make it look amazing I could see Carly rocking it to. I liked that image a lot..
Sam take your hands out of your pockets sweetie she won't bite
No as tasty as you look babe you a little too fresh for me
I stared at her was she real? I suddenly felt dirty and yet it felt kind of okay like man this chick who was this hot thought I was cute? I mean she could probably have any girl she wanted and she thought I was cute?
Sam this is Brittany Jacobs
Brittany Jacobs it sounded like a name I knew but from where? She wasn't from around here when I was little she had this awesome British accent so where did I know her from.
Steph motioned for us to sit and she went to a table further down I shuffled my feet a bit nervous I mean what was I suppose to say?
I followed her lead and sat down across from her she seemed a bit unsure as well which helped ease me a bit.
So Steph tells me your 17 is that correct?
Yea..she didn't tell me anything bout you though
I flicked my hair back as I fooled with my hands..
Fair enough Well you know my name is Brittany Jacobs or BJ, I'm from London ..
I feel like I know you from somewhere I'm sorry I know that was rude to blurt it out but I always say what I feel Carly says I have a big mouth..
Carly sounds like she means a lot to you just by the way you say her name
How can you tell?
Your pretty tough Sam I can tell you say every word real ferocious but when you get to her name you get all soft spoken ..
I do ?
Yea it's okay though
She laughed grabbing my hand I tensed a bit as shock ways went through my body. I felt myself blush..
It shows she means something to you something you would do anything to protect..
I would..
So that's a start tell me a little about Carly how did you meet?
Kind of a funny story...but a long one
I got time Girlfriend Entertain me
Kay..
I sighed as I thought back to all those years ago...
Well it was back in 2003 I was like 8 and I was hanging out with my friends L'G and his crew down at capital my mom was drunk all summer and she had this creeper of a boyfriend who had tried to do things to me so I had left back in June and I was living on the streets and crashing sometimes at L'G's crib when he was home he spent a lot of time traveling in summer it was a great time to earn money doing street shows all over Washington ..when I could sometimes my friends Kennedy and Austin let me crash in their tree house or his room but ya know their parents wouldn't let me crash all the time so I slept most nights on the streets with no shower or food ..the night before school we were down at Capital hanging with L'G, Bray and Janelle, Cassie and Lucas the streets were packed and it was so hot out so Kennedy and I had taken a hose and started spraying each other it was just for fun and refreshment but some people thought it was some kind of act or something so they started clapping and watching so we just kind of did a little dance ..people really got into it Lucas put on some music and him and L'G got into it with us...we did this for like 3 hours and raised like $120 which was real sweet and chiz so we went to celebrate at Alliance and as we were walking Lucas was holding hands with this guy he had met a few weeks ago. I think his name was like Brian he seemed cool, Bray and L'G were all over each other and Kennedy she was giving me a piggy back ride cuz I was beat well some jerks came out and started calling us some bad names and yelling at us that we were sick and needed to be punished and set straight...Bray and L'G were telling them to get lost and trying to calm the whole thing down but these idiots started to try to grab Kennedy, Austin and I saying that they were going to save us form becoming corrupted by these queers..Lucas he tried to stop them and...
The memory was so powerful I felt as if it was happening all over again I felt myself get choked up as I fought off some of the tears and anger..Brittany wrapped her hands around my hands which were clenched so tight they were white..
Take a deep breath Sam you don't need to tell the rest if it's too much..
No I have to I never told anyone except Carly...it's just so hard..
Take your time ...if it's hard it's cause it means something to you and that makes it important..nothing worth anything is ever achieved in vain..
That makes sense..except this didn't I was so young I mean I had grown up with violence all around but this was so senseless..
These guys they were animals when Lucas tried to grab us this man he..he brought out a baseball bat and smashed Lucas across the head he just kept hitting him yelling " Die F...g Homo die you F...g perv ..Bray and L'G they tried to stop them but they went after them we were screaming and trying to get help but it was complete madness ...Kennedy she ran to her aunt's shop and called the police Austin and I we tried to help and then they tried to beat us they said we were going to be diseased like them...there was so much blood Lucas was hurt so bad...we tried to stop the bleeding ..but between Lucas, L'G and Bray we ..we just ...how..
It was the first time I had broken down to anyone about this besides Carly who always ended up crying with me. Brittany listened as I talked she came over and wrapped her arms around me. I tried to stop the tears but as the images of that night over took my brain the blood Austin's face as we saw the life drained from Lucas's face ..the crowd whispering ..the sirens the police acting like this was out fault like we earned it from this lifestyle...the anger in the community ...the long endless night in the police station..hearing the news from Austin and Kennedy's aunt that Lucas had died...it all overpowered me as I broke down. Brittany didn't say a word she just held me and rocked me...
When the tears had finally come to a end I felt weak and dizzy but strangely relieved ..
My god you were so young to see such a horrible act what did you do?
What could I do? I had school I was already on the polices radar from skipping school so much the year before one more time and they were going to lock me up and they saw me that night they knew who I was..they escorted me to school so much fun right..being dropped off by a police cruiser... I never had a chance to shower or eat I was dead tired and I just wanted to sleep ...I got the meanest teacher in the school for the second year in a row..by lunch I was freaking starving and I had no money..so I stole this new girl's sandwich and figured she would do what every other kid did run away and cry by the time a teacher came it would be in my stomach but she didn't she fought back and knocked me to the ground I was so tired I stayed there...but she pulled me up and made me sit by her even though I smelled so awful and treated her horrible she smiled at me asked me my name and gave me half her tuna sandwich ..I had never had someone be kind to me without having a grownup make them..she even opened her bag and gave me her apple and fat-cakes. I didn't know how to act around her she seemed so sweet and she was really pretty and I felt out of place but she made me feel so at ease as soon as I said I felt that way she laughed and told me to just be myself she thought I was funny and wanted me to be real...she invited me back to her place and her brother .Spencer he's so cool he was working on this giant sculptures one of a pig made out of ham I ate the whole thing and he never got mad he just made me some vegetables and told me I had to eat them to..yuck ..then he made me shower and do my homework which Carly had to help me with...she never had to ask ya know she just kind of took over this motherly role with me she asked me to sleep over that night...
Our relationship just bloomed from there..we were always together...
So Carly was the angel in your darkest hour?
Yea well I never thought of it like that but yea it's a good comparison..
What Does Carly think of what you did?
I looked down..
She hates it but she kind of gets it I know I hurt her bad this time and I hope she doesn't hate me..
What did Carly say when she found out?
She's the one who found me she stopped me she told me I was beautiful the way I was made and that she needed me...
Do you believe her?
I shrugged as she pulled out something ..
I meet with Carly yesterday..she asked me to give this to you she's really worried about you and she loves you a whole lot..
You meet with her? Yes..ter..day
Yes why
Is she okay?
She's fine Sam just worried about you we talked for a long time and I got her to write down what she was feeling in the form of a song we worked on it for awhile..
You can read it now or..
Can I take it and read it in private?
Absolutely babe …
Thanks ..I mean it for everything..
Your welcome Sam I'm going to give you my number and ask you to call me whenever you want to talk
I will see you on Wednesday right?
Yes for sure ..
Promise me you will try to talk to Steph and do what you can to get better..
I will I want to go home and see Carly and even the nub...
That's Freddie right?
Yea did you see him?
I did he's unique..but he cares for you as well Sam a lot of people do...
Steph walked me back to the room and stayed with me while I took the Medication which started to work quickly as I laid my head down, I wasted no time in opening the letter two pages fell out the first was the song...My eyes wandered over the lyrics and started to water it was Beautiful...
Beautiful
Sing me a Song like you use to
Write me a letter with your words
If You stumble and fall Don't worry
Cause I'll be the one who picks you up form the ground
Sometimes your dreams aren't what they seem
And Reality makes it hard to breathe
I guess you never know what you have till it's gone
Til it's gone
I never wanna say good-bye
Wanna spend my days with you by my side
Gonna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me
I never wanna make you cry
Try everyday to make you satisfied
Gonna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me
Whisper your thoughts in my ear
And tell me the things I wanna hear
If you stumble your words it's okay
Cause being with you is all I want today
Everyday
Sometimes your dreams aren't what they seem
And Reality makes it hard to breathe
I guess you never know what you have till it's gone
Til it's gone
I never wanna say good-bye
Wanna spend my days with you by my side
Wanna spend my days with you by my side
Gonna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me
Try everyday to make you satisfied
Gonna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me
If you chose to walk away
Just know I tried to make you stay
Don't leave me here to pick up the pieces of yesterday
I never wanna say Good-Bye
Wanna spend my days being by your side
Wanna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful to me So beautiful to me
I never wanna make you cry
Try everyday to make you satisfied
Gonna hold you close till the day I die
Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me
I never wanna say good-bye
Wanna hold you close by my side
Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me
I never wanna make you cry
Try everyday to make you satisfied
Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me
Lyrics From Beautiful by L2..