HA HA HA! All your plans were brilliant. My fave....

Buttcracksanta

Bella can trick James into giving her his best friend's, harry potter, phone number
Bella calls harry potter and asks Hedwig to bring the invisibility blanket, and then Bella puts it over the wardrobe, and then as Edward walks out, he goes invisible.
Hedwig can peck James' eyes out, and then he can go blind and leave to go to a clinic in Sweden, then Edward and Bella can live together happily ever after with their pet owl, Hedwig, who they rent from harry potter on a fortnightly basis.
THE END.

Loved it. Ha ha. Ok...ON WITH THE STORY!

Previously

"Hmmm?" I was distracted, thinking of ways I could sneak Edward out without James seeing. So far, nothing.

"Why is there a guys shirt on your bedroom floor?"

Somewhere, deep among the clothes of my closet, someone muttered, "Shit."

*

My eyes widened. This was bad. This was very very bad.

"I..I..um...It's my..." I stammered.

A reel of excuses ran through my mind.

It's Phil's! Let's have a bonfire and BURN IT!

What? That's not a shirt! It's kinda obvious that it's a bottle of sunflower oil. Gosh.

GUY'S shirt? ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY GENDER!?

But I didn't have to use any one of them.

Because it didn't appear that James was listening anymore. He'd spotted something on my bedside table.

"Oh my GOD!" he squealed, picking up the photo of Renee and I in Disneyland. We both had Mickey Mouse ears on and I was pouting because Donald Duck had his arm (or should I say 'wing'? He is a duck after all..) around me and I was getting kind freaked out. Renee, on the other hand, was grinning. "That's SUCH a cute photo!"

If I hadn't been so relieved, I might have been pissed off.

I swear, that freak has the attention span of a goldfish.

"Renee looks ADORABLE!" he continued to gush."Like a really sexy version of Minnie mouse."

I squinted at the picture. "I don't see it."

James ignored me, his eyes widening. "So...so does Renee...like...this kind of thing? Disney stuff?"

"Uh...sure." I faked a smile. "Sure, she does."

He rubbed his hands together. "Thanks, Bellsie!" He jumped off my bed. "This is very useful information to know."

"I'll bet..." I muttered, watching him get up to leave.

Finally I heard the door slam. "Edward? You can come out now."

"I don't think I can move yet." he said from inside the closet.

I couldn't help but smirk. "You're so scared you can't even move?"

The was a shuffling sound. "No...But my legs are in a weird position, so they've gone to sleep, and I'm kinda...stuck."

I flung the wardrobe door open to see the damage and the sight made me burst into hysterics.

"Oh...my...God..." I giggled.

He was in an extremely awkward position. Three coat hangers were hanging off his right leg and his arm was gripped tightly around the bar the held my clothes, to prevent him from losing balance. A cardigan was draped across his head, so I couldn't see his expression.

"Yes, that's right. Laugh at poor Edward." he muttered.

"Kay..." was all I could choke out.

After a few minutes I managed to contain my hysteria long enough to take a few deep breaths. "Ah..." I inhaled. "Sorry, sweetie."

"Stop trying to suck up." he grumbled, obviously not accepting my apology.

"Hey, don't blame me for this. This is what you get for hiding in a closet." I pointed out.

"Can you just get this cardi off me please?" he sighed. "It's very soft by the way."

"We've started using 'Surf Cuddly' instead of our usual laundry powder." I told him. "You can really feel the difference. I hate itchy, rough clothes. Don't you?"

"Mmmm." he murmured, thoughtful for a moment. "You know what's even worse than itchy clothes?"

"What?"

"WHEN YOU HAVE A COAT HANGER STUCK UP YOUR ASS, AND ALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND CAN DO IS STAND THERE LAUGHING!"

He should've known that would set me off again.

*

"Are you sure you don't want me to take a look?" I snickered.

Edward held the bag of peas more firmly to his backside. "No thank you." He glared at me.

I grinned back. "Oh come on. You're not honestly mad at me, are you?"

He sniffed.

"Coat hangers can't inflict that much damage, can they?"

He sniffed again. "Yes, Bella. Yes they can." His bottom lip was stuck out in a pout. "You know what hurts the most though?"

"What hurt the most?" I asked, laying my head on his shoulder.

He pouted some more. "The fact that I had to pull the hanger out myself. You were too busy laughing to do it for me."

I bit my lip to stop the giggles.

"Do you know how HARD it is to yank a coat hanger out of your butt yourself, Bella? IT'S REALLY HARD!"

He looked heartbroken.

"Poor injured baby." I cooed. "How can I make you better?"

He thought for a moment. "Soup. You could make me soup." He held his head high. "It's the least I deserve after all the trauma you've put me through."

I tried to pass the snicker that escaped me off as a cough. "What flavour soup?"

"Chicken noodle." He decided after a moment. "With real chicken and real noodles in it."

"As apposed to...what?"

"Just make the damn soup." He said, poking his tongue out.

"Say please."

He scowled. "No."

I crawled onto his lap. "Say it."

"I'm not saying please. I'm too irritable to be polite." But his lips twitched.

"Say it." I repeated, pressing my forehead to his. "Or no soup."

He ignored me. "Get of my lap. It hurts the affected area."

I began to bounce up and down on his lap. "Say it, say it, say it, say it...." I sang.

"You're very immature, you know that, right?"

"Say it, say it, say it, say it...." But I got off his lap incase it was really hurting him, which I doubted, and danced around the room. "Say it...."

Edward just sat there, shaking his head.

"Say it, say it, say it...." I danced in circles around him. "Say it, say it, say i- OH MY GOD!" I let out a shriek as frozen peas were tipped over my head and down my back. "HOLY COW, THAT'S COLD!"

I spun around. A very smug looking Edward stood, smirking at me, and empty packet of frozen peas in his hand. I probably would've attacked right then, except I couldn't really...move.

That's how cold I was.

Edward leaned forward (huh, ass doesn't hurt to much NOW does it Eddie?) and pressed his lips to my ear. "Payback." he whispered.

I managed to shake my head after a couple of seconds. "I. Can't. Believe. You. Just. Did. That."

He shrugged, grinning. "Can I have my soup now?"

That was when I lunged.

EPOV

We were still wrestling on the floor when Charlie walked in. Luckily we were fast enough at moving to get back onto the couch before he saw us.

"Hey, Dad." puffed Bella, when he walked into the room. "How was your day?"

Charlie gave her a strange look. "Um..Good. Are you two ok? You both look a little...flushed..."

"We were having a wrestling match." I said truthfully. Cops can always tell when you're lying. What was the point? "I won."

No need to mention that there was more kissing than wrestling going on. What Charlie didn't know wouldn't hurt him....

He chuckled. "Congratulations, Edward." He hung up his jacket on a hook. "So, what about that storm out there? Pretty crazy huh?"

Bella and I glanced out the window at the same time. The sky was almost pitch black even though it had only just gone five in the afternoon and indeed, there was a storm outside. The tree in the backyard was almost being ripped out of the ground at the force of the wind and it was hailing.

Bella turned to me. "How the hell did we not notice that?" she hissed.

I shrugged. "We're both extremely unobservant when we're preoccupied, I suppose."

She shook her head in disbelief.

"Your mother tried to call me at the station before." Charlie continued to Bella. "But she was cut off because the power lines are coming down all over the place our ends. Anyway, she sounded pretty upset, and from what I could make out she was talking about that photo I sent her."

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Photo?"

"The one you gave me of that creep..." he put his finger on his chin. "Now what was his name again? Jimmy? John? Jack....?"

"James?" Bella and I said in unison. As if we could forget.

Charlie just shrugged. "If he can't remember my name, I can't remember his." He muttered darkly, "Yeah, so I figured Renee might want to see a photo of him seeing as there's no WAY you're going to Florida with him. Ever." And with that he wandered into the kitchen.

"Charlie sent Renee the photo of James." Bella whispered.

"He didn't say anything about Renee not being allowed to see it, did he?" I asked cautiously.

She shook her head. "But...what if he gets mad? I mean....he knows he looks like a loser in that photo..Even if he fails to admit it. Ugh." She buried her head in her hands. "Does Charlie know what he's done?"

Judging by the way he was devouring a packet of potato chips like there was no tomorrow in the kitchen at that very moment, I'd say....no.

"Bella, James probably won't even find out." I reassured her, kissing her nose. "Besides, don't worry about that when you have FAR more important things to worry about."

"Like what?" she mumbled.

"Like the fact that I have to leave now otherwise this storm will get even worse and I'll be stuck here forever."

She wrapped her arms around my waist. "Ok. I don't mind you staying here forever."

I smirked. "A lifetime stuck in a soupless house with a girl who smells like peas? No thanks."

She pouted.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I chuckled, leaning in to kiss her lips. "I lov-"

"Do you two want any chip-" We pulled apart at the sound of Charlie's voice, but we were too late.

He narrowed his eyes at us, guilty expressions frozen on our faces. "But...But I thought Bella was with Jam-....Hmmm..." Charlie thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Teenagers. I'll never understand them. Why even try?"

BPOV

I switched on my old computer to check my emails. Damn Edward. He just had to go an leave me.

Stupid storm.

Stupid Dad for interrupting.

Stupid dial-up internet.

Hmph.

Finally, it loaded.

Email 1: JOIN JENNY CRAIG NOW! - Do you want to lose ten pounds for ten dollars?

Spam. Delete.

Email 2: Yahoo!Answers: Your Question- How do I get a creepy guy blackmailing me to leave me alone? - Has been answered 0 times.

Dammit. Delete.

Email 3: From: Renee Dwyer.

I opened it, just as I did, the voice of a certain pixie-like friend of mine called to me from downstairs.

"BELLA! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU AND YOUR DAD ABOUT SOMETHING!"

To: Bella Swan

From: Renee Dwyer.

BELLA!

I GOT THAT PHOTO FROM YOUR DAD, CALL ME NOW! I MEAN IT YOUNG LADY! THAT GUY WAS IN MY POTTERY CLASS AND....WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THE REST LATER.

NOW, ISABELLA! PICK UP THAT PHONE NOW!

Well...As soon as the storm is over and the phone lines are up again.

Yours FURIOUSLY,

Mom.

Crap.