I spent about five minutes in the bathroom crying,
Then I quickly went to the office to call my mom and have her come pick me up.
I could not bare being here anymore.
I feel like I really hate myself.
I'm a cheat.

I'm a cheat and I'm cheating and lying to both the people I care about behind their backs.
I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to lie to them anymore,
I don't want to see them cry.
I don't want to look into Cartman's eyes and see the look on his face again,
The look I created. I really hurt him.

I'm hurting Stan too.
He's everything to me. And what do I do to pay him back for all the love and caring
he's giving me for years?
I cheat on him with Cartman!Ive been doing it for a long time now.
He deserves so much better, He deserves better then me.
I'm not worthy of his love.
I'm abusing it and he doesn't even know it.

I'm a pathetic, Lying, scheming, two faced cheat.
I don't deserve either of Them.

My mom came to pick me up 10 minutes later,
I ran outside and jumped into the car.
I had a napkin wiping my tears away with it.
"Oh my god! Kyle what's wrong!" My mom gasped.
"Mom, I really don't want to talk about it." I choked on my words.
"Did something happen at school? What happened?!"
"Ma, Please, I really don't want to talk about it."
My mom starred at me, then shook her head and focused on the road.
We drove all the way home in silence except for my sniffiling.

The words Cartman said kept replaying in my head.
"I'm not like your boyfriend who will believe every word that comes out of your lying,
deceiving, Jew mouth, jew mouth.."

It just made me gasp another cry into the napkin thinking about ti.
My mom kept looking over at me with a look of sorrow.
I really appreciate her, leaving me be on this one.
I Know she'll bug me about it later,
But right now she just let me cry.

I got home and I ran up to my room and into my bed and yanked the covers over me.
I sobbed into my pillow.
Maybe I should just break up with both.
Then I wont have to do this anymore.

I awoke to the sound of my mom yelling, outside.
I looked out my window and Stan was there on my doorstep.

What was he doing here?

"Now what have you done to my boy?!" I heard my mom say.
"Nothing! I swear! I didn't do anything to Kyle!"
"Then explain to me why he locked himself up in his room crying for the past half hour?!"My mom demanded.
"I really, Really don't know what your talking about! Kyle's crying?!"

Stan didn't do anything.
I know I should go downstairs and tell my mom Stan didn't do anything,
But for some reason I didn't.
I just laid back in my bed and put a pillow over my head. I just want to dissapire.

Tap.
Tap
Tap!

I woke up.
Tap.

I looked at the clock, 1:43 AM
Tap.

I go to my window and see Stan.. Once again throwing rocks at my window.
I smiled, a little and opened it.

"Kyle!" He whispered up to me.
"Hi.." I mouthed quietly.
"Kyle.. What's wrong? Are you ok? Your mom wouldn't let me talk to you.. She thinks I did something."
I sighed. "I Know. I'm sorry" I loudly whispered back.

"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine.." I lied.
"Come down here!" He whispers
"No, I cant!"
"Why?!"
"If my mom catches me she'll kill me!"
"Then don't let her catch you!" He whispered up to me.
I smiled."It wont be long Kyle just come down here" he whispered.

I nodded and Grabbed my shoes and coat and came down the tree..
It was little easier then last time I tried going down this thing to go to Cartman's house.
I got to the last branch and hopped down, When I got onto my feet,Stan Hugged me unexpected.
I jumped alittle supprised then I hugged him back.
He kissed me on the cheek for about 6 seconds
Then hugged me again

"What's wrong? Why did you leave school?!"He asked hugging me..
I just noticed how much I miss his comfort.
I missed him holding me..
I never knew how much I missed it till now.

I hugged him back tightly.
"I.. I just had some things on my mind."
Stan pulled out of the hug, "What kind of things?"
"Um.. I miss my brother."Stan raised his eyebrow,
"Your brother? Isnt he at your aunts?"
"yeah."
"Kyle, he's only going to be gone for a week."
"I know but I miss him."

Please let him fall for it.
I know I'm a terrible liar.

"So, You leave early crying, and lock yourself in your room because you miss your brother?"
"Uh.. Yeah."

Stan starred at me then hugged me again.
"Good. I thought something was really wrong."
I felt my stomach burn.. There is something really wrong.

"Come on" Stan toke my hand and running me away from my house.
"Where are we going?!"
"You'll see"
He says as he hurries me around the corner.


We ended up taking me to Starks pond.. Our spot.
I remember last time we went here..
One of the best times in my life.

Stan toke out a match, lit it, and threw it into a fire pit
and he laid down in the snow, Pulling me down with him.

I laughed, "You really like it here don't you?"
"Its not just that.. Whenever I'm here it reminds me of you."
"Really? Why?"
"Kyle don't you remember.. I met you here."
"What? No, I thought we met in kindergarten."
"We did, But I first talked to you here.. When we were little,
And you and Your mom First moved here she toke you to the park and you came down to Stark's pond,
and me, Kenny and Cartman where trying to make a bridge out of sticks.. Haha didn't work."
He laughed.

"Then.." He continued,
"We were making the bridge and You came down and asked if you could play with us.
Cartman said your mom was a Jew and Jewish people cant play with us,
but I called him a fat butt hole and let you help build it. That's when we first met,
Then we were friends in Kindergarten."He smiled.

"Oh, wow. I think I remember something like that, We did meet here! Jesus, How could you remember that?
That was so long ago"

Stan laughed,
"You'd be surprised on how much I remember about us."
Wow.. That is the sweetest thing.. He really does love me.
After all I've done to him.. He shouldn't.

Stan scooted closer to me as we laid in the snow,
put his hands on my waist and kissed meI kissed him back..
But this just doesn't feel right. I'm keeping things from him,
He has a right to know what's going on.

"Um.. Stan." I pulled away from him,
He kissed me again, "What?" he asked then kissing me again,
I grinned, he's doing the thing we used to always do.
Make out conversations.
I laughed between kisses then slowly pulled away.

"what?" He asked
I look at the ground.
"Stan there's something I've been meaning to tell you and.."
"Cant it wait?"
"I don't.."
"Just a few more minutes. I've missed you so much."He kissed me ..
Guess I'll tell him later, I decided.

I've missed kissing him anyways.
Might as well savor it, After I tell him I might never kiss him again.

Last night was amazing.
It made me realize what a mistake Ive made of even thinking about breaking up with a guy like Stan.
A guy with such a good heart, a good soul, Someone who really loves me for who I am.

Unfortunately there wasn't a right moment to tell him that stupid mistake I've made with Cartman.
I've made up my mind. Me and Cartman have to be done with.
It's obvious I really belong with Stan.
The whole Cartman thing, was probably just a lust thing, maybe it wasn't really love at a minor crush I had.
But what me and Stan have is the real thing.
I walked to the bus stop with Stan hand in hand,
We haven't done that in a good while.
We were talking and laughing,
I really feel like I belong with him.
When we were coming up to Cartman and Kenny I kept trying to convince my feelings that
I didn't care what he thinks.
I don't care what he thinks, I don't care..

We came up to them, Kenny didn't care, But Cartman..
He looked at us for a second like that, then looked away.
I felt my stomach Tie into a tight knot.
I don't know where it came from.. Cartman's face..No forget it! I don't like him.

Me and Stan were still laughing about something,
then Stan turned to Cartman."Hey Cartman" he smiled.
I saw Cartman grit his teeth and looked at us."Hi." he said coldly.
I was the only one to notice how he said it.. Stan didn't.

"So listen.." Stan smiled,
"I was thinking We could all go out, You know, on a tipple dates.
We got six of those free tickets to that motorcycle show Saturday,
Kenny, you can pick some girl and so can you Cartman, you know, have some fun."

Kenny smiled, "Moohoo!" And threw his hands in the air,
"Merph merph meffin merphfun" (That'd be fucking awesome)

Stan looked at Cartman "Hey yeah. Hey Cartman is there anyone that you like you can bring?"

Cartman was frowning..
I felt my heart drop deep, deep, deep into my stomach.

Cartman glanced and me and cracked knuckles. My chest burned.
Then he looked back at Stan.
"I used to.. But they left me for a fucking douche bag."
I looked to the ground.

"Aw.. I'm sorry Cartman."
hah, Stan doesn't know the half of it.

"Hey look, we'll find you someone to bring."
He smiles and pats his back.
"huh." He looked at him.
Then the Bus pulled up.

I kept waiting and waiting for my next Class with Cartman..
I had to talk to him.
I had to tell him, I'm sorry, but we have to break up but I hope we can still be friends.
I starred at the clock.

Tic tic, tic.

Seems like its going slower and slower.
I heard a tap on a desk and looked at stan, He passed me a note.
I picked it up and opened it.

Why do you keep looking at the clock?
-S

Um.. How do I answer that?
I got out a pencil. I don't know..

Cant wait to get out of lame school I guess.
-K

Finally the bell rang for our next class and I quickly grabbed my books and headed for next period,
before I got there Stan caught up to me.
"You look anxious about something." He smiled.
"Dude, You know I hate school."
"Yeah but.. I don't know, Your so speedy and jumpy" He laughed.
I know.. Because I'm nervous.

"Hah. Yeah I don't know why." I faked a laugh.
The second bell warning went off.

"Well I gotta go but see you later." He kissed my cheek and headed towards his class.
I turned back and bumped into someone,
"Sorry" I say picking up my stuff, I look up and It was.. Wendy Testaburger.
Great. Of all the people in this school I had to run into her. she saw me she frowned.

"Queer. watch where your going!"
I frowned "Watch where your going! I said I was sorry" I shot back.
"Gah. Your so stupid! Boyfriend stealer."
She murmured and pushed me out of her way, Knocking my stuff over again.
God damn it!

I bent back down to pick it all back up.
I ran into my class, while Mrs. Elson was talking,
Everyone looked at me.

"Uh Kyle your late." Mrs. Elson tells me.
"I know I'm sorry" I sit down hoping she'll say nothing more.
"This is your first time you've ever been late. You ok?" She smiled.
"Uh, yep."
"Probably making out with his boyfriend in the hallway."I heard Craig say,
and the class laughed.
"Alright Class, That's not appropriate.
In this school we respect other peoples different lifestyles and Craig
If you say one more thing You'll be sent to detention."
The class went quiet.

Woah dude. Mrs. Elson kicks ass!
"Ok then.. During the 1890's the- -" Mrs. Elson went on.
I looked at Cartman who had his head in his hand. He looks really sad..
I started getting this feeling..
No I cant feel bad! I told myself.
That will just take me back into his trap.
I'm breaking up with him. I'm breaking it off with him, and being with stan.

But looking at him.. He looks so vulnerable, and depressed..
No, I just Cant break up with someone who looks like that..

I fight the feeling off. Yes I can. And will.
I need to stop thinking of other people and think of myself for once!

I frown.. I could keep telling myself this..
But I knew deep down I felt really, really bad about this.

When class was finally over I rushed over to Cartman's desk,
"Listen, I really need to talk to you."
He got up from my seat. "Uh huh." he said and started walking away.
"No, listen to me this is really, really important."
"Go tell your boyfriend."
"Cartman. Stop it, We really need to have a talk."
"No we don't."
"Yes we do, I'm coming over to your house tonight Ok?"
He didn't say anything he just kept walking.
So I walked away.

That Night I Went down stairs,
"Ma, I'm going to Cartman's house."
"Why?"
"Uh.. We still need to work on that project." I lied.
"Oh, ok. Be back at 9:00 ok bubby?"
"Ok. Bye mom."
And I left.

I got to Cartman's house and knocked on door.
His mom answered.
"Uh Hi, Cartman here?"
"Yes. He's upstairs." I came in and was about to go upstairs But His mom stopped me.

"Um, Kyle.
Is something wrong with Eric?
He hasn't been eating much lately and will hardly talk to anyone,
By any chance do you know? I'm thinking about taking him to a doctor but I'm not sure.."
She looked at me with sad eyes.

Hasent ate much?
This is Eric fucking Cartman were talking about.
He eats everything!
This cant be because of me is it.. Fuck,

That nervous feeling I had a few minneutes ago
just gota hell of a lot bigger..
My chest felt like It was breaking.

"Uh, No. Um, No Idea."
"oh." She looked sad.
"Well Um, Can you try to cheer him up?
He hasn't been acting.. Well, himself."
oh my god..
"Yeah.." I give her a small smile,
"I'll do that."
She smiles at me then walks away
Christ.

I walk into Cartman's room and see his head behind his bed.
I don't think he heard me come in,

"Cartman?" I ask.
He immediately jumps up and I heard something metal drop onto the floor and quickly
put his arm behind his back.

"Oh, Um hey kahl." he says quickly, "Hows it goin?" He asked fakinga smile.
I walked closer to him, looking to see what dropped on the floor.
There was a bloody knife.

I frowned, "Cartman, Let me see your arm."
"Why?" He smiled sweetly.
"Cartman let me see your arm right now."
Cartman smirked. "no."
"Let me see it!" I demanded and pulled his arm towards me.
But he was too strong and refused to let me win.

I couldn't do it.
"Cartman! I'm serious! Show me your arm right now Or I'm going to tell your mom what your doing!" I yelled.
"You would seriously tell my mom? What are we, back in the third grade?"
"If you wont show me then yes."
He glared at me. "Your such a baby"
"Show me!"He rolled his eyes and put out his arm,

It had about three or four cuts scrapped into his flesh and blood was drippingfrom it.. Dark red.
"Cartman.. We need to take you to the hospital right now."
He pushed me away. "No we don't. Fuck off."

I tugged on his arm again,
"Yes we do!"
"Damn it kahl leave me alone! Sense when do you care anyway?!"
I was silent..
"You're the reason I'm doing this!"
He fell on his hands and knees to the ground and started crying.
Everything inside me started tearing down.. everything.

He on his knees, crying in front of my with blood dripping from his arm..
"You remeber when I said its better on the outside then inside kahl?"
I slowly nooded.
"Its true.. its like, when I do it, I feel all the pain from inside
me, put tear open and bleed itself out..Atleast it made me feel alittle better."
Doing that to himself..
All Because of me.
I did this.

Oh no. I felt like my heart was crumbling into little pieces and floating around inside me.
I feel so fucking horrible.
I'm starting to cry too..

I put my hand on his back.
"Cartman, I dont ever want you to hurt yourself ever again."
"I love you.." I heard myself whisper.
I didn't even mean to say that.. That came out all on it's own.

Cartman wiped his tears. stod up and frowned "Don't fucking lie to me you fucking Jew!"
He pointed his finger in my face.
"You love Stan."
He starred up at me, with his hatred and angry eyes.

All the sudden I hear my mom's phone vibrate in my pocket.
She asked me to bring it with so she can get a hold of me If I change plans and come home late.
Bad timing.
Cartman Stares at me.
I slowly reach to my pocket and open the phone.

"Hello?" I squeaked.
"Hey Kyle!" Stan said
"Come over to my house."
"Um.. Now's not really a good time."
"No, Kyle you really have too."
"I..C-"
"Pleeease" Stan cut me off.
I sighed."fine."
"Love you."
"You too." I answer, still starring at Cartman.
"bye."
"bye."
I hung up the phone and looked at him.

"I have to go see my mom, I think she wants me."
"You mean you have to go see Stan.."
I didn't say anything.
He probably heard Stan's loud voice through the cellphone.

"But um.. I'll call you later," I say
"uh huh."
"Um.. Bye" I say with a light smile,
"Uh huh."I started walking towards the door
then looked back around at Cartman.
Cartman looked at me with sad brown eyes that said, I know where your going.

Looks like the sadden and depressed look Ive seen him have at school today, But
a hundred times worse..
My eyes couldn't even bare to look at him.
I quickly turned around and went his door.
He knows I'm going to see Stan.
My heart cant take all this..
I feel like I'm slowly killing him.

Hope you liked the chapter :)
Damn.. My hand hurts from typing that much..
I think I'll take a nap.. im pretty tired. anyway,
Thank you reviewers! :D