Author's Note: I wrote it. I posted it. I deleted it. You guys deserved better and I was ashamed of myself for even thinking that this chapter was ok. Round 2 starts now.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Selina rolled over and felt around for the alarm clock. Beep. Beep. Beep. Nothing there, just junk. Beep. Beep. It didn't sound like her alarm. It was more shrill. She reached out again. Beep. Too far, she fell out of bed and onto the floor. Her eyes fluttered open. "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore," she thought. Her joints ached, her muscles were sore, and the beeping was giving her the headache from hell. Slowly, Selina pushed herself up off the floor. The world lurched forward and she was back down again. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. "Fuck."
She gathered all her strength, closed her eyes, and once again pushed herself up off the floor. This time she made it into a sitting position. Carefully she opened her eyes. It looked like she was in a hotel room. A wrecked hotel room. And worst of all, she was alone. Panic seized her and she stood up too quickly. Her stomach became furious and demanded to be relieved of its contents. Selina bolted out the door into the main room. Apparently, she had a suite. She glanced around for a bathroom, all the doors were closed. "Fuck," she screamed inside her mind. She picked the door closest to her and ran for it. Suddenly she found herself on the floor again and her stomach wouldn't wait another minute, she threw up right there, one foot shy of the bathroom.
"Mmmhmhmm," something groaned behind her.
Selina got on her elbows and looked back. Her right foot was resting on Ivy's stomach. Apparently, she had tripped over her in all her excitement to get to a bathroom. "Ivy," she whimpered like a child with the flu. "Ivy."
"Hmm?" she hummed not opening her eyes.
"I don't feel good. Something's wrong."
Ivy had always wanted to be a mother and after the accident she settled for being a mother to Earth, and then Harley. She was not about to be mother to Selina too. "Take some Alka Seltzer and got back to sleep."
"No, Ivy, something is really wrong," Selina whined.
She reached next to her to wake Harvey but there was no one there. And that's when she noticed her bed was really hard and there was a strange beeping. She opened her eyes. That was not her ceiling. "What in the hell?"
Selina wretched again and started to cry. "Oh God, I'm really sick."
Ivy rolled onto her side and propped herself up on an elbow. She looked around the room and started to worry. "Where in the hell are we?"
"I don't know. I just woke up. Oh no!" She threw up once more and this time Ivy crawled over to her to hold her hair back.
"I'm not feeling so hot myself," she admitted holding back the urge to vomit.
"I fell over you trying to get to the bathroom."
"I can see that. It's ok. This looks like a hotel, room service will clean it up."
"Why is this happening?"
"I don't know. Have you seen Harley or Harvey?"
"No. I just saw you when I tripped."
"What the hell is that beeping sound?"
"I don't know." Selina finally stopped vomiting. "I think I'm ok now."
"Let's get you up and hose you off," Ivy replied helping her to her feet. She opened the bathroom door, the place was a wreck. Toilet paper, a slippery substance that smelled like shampoo, and all kinds of odds and ends littered the floor. Someone had drawn smiley faces and hearts on the mirror in red lipstick and the shower curtain was in tatters on the rod. "I don't want to have to pay for this."
Selina leaned against the counter while Ivy wetted down a washcloth and started to wipe her face. "My head hurts."
"Mine does too."
"I haven't felt like this since I turned 21."
"I was having the same thought. Excuse me." Ivy bent down over the toilet and politely threw up. She waited a couple of seconds, righted herself, and flushed. "We need to find some toothbrushes and toothpaste."
"And Harley."
"And Harley, and Harvey, or anyone else who may have been with us. God! What happened last night?"
"I don't know. Why aren't you as sick as me?"
"I think we got drunk. My system processes alcohol a lot better than normal humans."
"Lucky."
"You feeling ok?"
"Better than I was a second ago."
"Let's explore the suite." Ivy walked back into the main room which was as much of a disaster as the bathroom. "This is insane."
"What the hell did we do?"
"Acted like fools. Speaking of which, that pile of crap is moving." They made their way over to the pile in question and found fingers poking out from underneath. Ivy reached under, grabbed an arm, and pulled. "I found Harley."
"Hiya Red," she moaned. "Oh no." And like the other two, she wretched.
"I just realized something," Selina said as she helped Harley off the floor.
"What?" Ivy asked.
"This isn't my dress."
Ivy examined Selina's hot pink mini dress. "Nope. It's not."
"And I don't think you own anything like that either."
She looked down at her own electric blue, vinyl, tube dress. "Hell no."
"I don't think this is mine," Harley added gesturing toward her gold sequined number.
"Strange place, new clothes, and no memory of anything. Sounds like the plot of a good comedy film," Selina joked.
"I'm gonna be sick again." Harley threw up again and immediately Ivy and Selina let go of her.
"We need a phone," Ivy said.
"And to stop the beeping," Selina added.
"What is that fucking beeping noise?" Ivy yelled looking around the kitchen area.
"Aha!" Selina yanked a hotel phone out from under the table. "Beeping!" She yanked on it, unplugging the infernal thing from the wall. "Problem solved."
"I'm going to die," Harley sobbed.
"It's a hangover babe, you'll live," Selina assure her.
"When you're done puking you'll feel better. In the meantime, Selina and I are going to hunt for clues." They spread out and began rummaging for answers to the riddle, "what the hell happened?" and Selina couldn't help but wish Eddie was there. He would've figured this out in five minutes.
"I have a menu for Wong's," Selina said holding up a Chinese takeout menu.
"Never heard of it."
"Me neither but there are 50 million Chinese places in Gotham."
Harley stood up and shakily made her way to the curtains in front of her. She needed some fresh air. She pulled them back and freaked out. "Guys!"
"Not now Harl," Ivy grumbled.
"No you have to see this."
"Look for something that'll help us figure out what happened," Selina told her.
"You don't understand."
"You don't feel good we know. Neither do we now help," Ivy barked.
Harley whimpered.
"Now look…" Ivy looked over and realized instantly what Harley was looking at. "Fuck."
"What is it?" Selina asked looking up from the floor.
"It's not Gotham," Harley replied.
"What the hell are you…fuck!" Selina and Ivy joined Harley at the window. Outside and below them was a barrage of bright lights. "This can't be…"
"We didn't…"
"We did. We're in Vegas," Harley said plainly.
"How in the hell did we get to Vegas?" Ivy asked.
"I don't know," Selina replied panicked. "I don't know anything!"
"We need to just calm down…" Ivy started.
"I will not calm down! I am in Vegas! I don't know how I got here, I'm not wearing my clothes, and we're in a wrecked hotel room!" Harley screamed.
"Ladies!"
The girls turned around and were more than slightly confused to be standing in the same room as William Shatner.
"Thank you for the fun times. This should cover my share." He handed Selina a ball of money. "I threw up in the bedroom over there. Sorry." And with that, he walked out the door.
"Tell me one of us did not fuck Captain Kirk," Selina said with all seriousness.
"Until someone provides us with photographic evidence, no one had sex with William Shatner," Ivy told them.
"Agreed," Harley and Selina replied.
"Alright, we need to think," Ivy went on. "Let's grab our purses and head downstairs to get some food."
"Where are our purses?" Selina asked.
"Oh!" Harley cried scooping three handbags off the couch. "If they're not ours, they are now."
Harley, Selina, and Ivy stepped onto the elevator, avoiding eye contact with the other two guests. The couple got off on the next floor and the trio continued alone. "Do we know what hotel we're in?" Ivy asked.
"Judging by the decorations, I'd say the Venetian," Selina answered looking around the elevator.
"We wrecked a penthouse in the most expensive hotel in Las Vegas. Wonderful," Harley sighed.
"Well more than likely we're not paying for it. None of us have a real credit card so that's not important right now. We need to figure out what happened and get home," Ivy said calmly.
They reached the lobby and got off the elevator. "Ok, everyone be calm and act natural," Selina ordered.
"Where are we going?" Harley asked.
"Just find a restaurant and we'll eat there."
"Oh! Mrs. Wayne!" a man called running over to meet them.
"Mrs. Wayne?" Selina hissed.
"Go with it," Ivy told her.
"Mrs. Wayne, did you still want your table at Tao?" the man asked Selina.
"Um…yes?"
"Then it is ready for you whenever you're ready to eat."
"I'm hungry now so I guess we'll head over there."
"I'll let the maitre d know you're coming." He walked over to the front desk and picked up the phone.
"Did you get married?" Harley asked.
"I don't know. Let's just go to Tao and get dinner."
"Good evening Mrs. Wayne, Miss Quinn, Mrs. Dent," the maitre d greeted. "Mr. Wayne is not joining you tonight?"
"Uh no. He's tied up in a conference call," Selina lied.
"I see. Right this way ladies." He led them to the back of the restaurant. "Is this table alright?"
"Fine. Thanks," Harley replied taking a seat.
"Very good. Enjoy your meals."
"Mrs. Wayne?" Selina asked. "What the hell?"
"Apparently I'm Mrs. Dent," Ivy laughed.
"I'm still Miss Quinn… that sucks."
"Well if I'm Mrs. Wayne then that means Bruce is around here somewhere."
"Why would Bruce be in Vegas with us?" Ivy questioned.
"Why are we in Vegas to begin with?"
"Good point."
"This explains why we're at the Venetian though. Bruce always stays at the Venetian."
"Hello ladies!" the waiter said cheerfully. "No Mr. Wayne tonight?"
"No he's working," Selina answered.
"That's a shame. What can I get you girls to drink?"
"Water," they said in unison.
"Three waters coming right up."
"This is surreal," Selina sighed. "How does this happen?"
"I don't know." Ivy opened her handbag hoping to find lipstick and a mirror. Instead she found balled up dollar bills, her wedding band, and poker chips in various amounts.
"That's a good idea." Selina started digging through her own purse. "I have Bruce's wallet. At least we have money."
"I have bubble gum, money, a cell phone, and a vile of joker venom."
Selina and Ivy jumped back from the table.
"I'll put the venom away."
"Let me see your phone," Selina requested reaching out her hand.
Harley handed it over and popped a piece of bubble gum in her mouth. "Anyone else want a piece?"
"Not if it's been rolling around your handbag with Joker venom," Selina replied. She flipped the phone open. The battery was low but not bad. "This just got more twisted."
"Why?" Ivy asked.
"This isn't Harley's phone."
"Whose is it?"
"Judging by the wallpaper, I'd say Eddie's."
"Does that mean Eddie is in Vegas too?" Harley asked.
"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe we stole it. Maybe Eddie is back in Gotham in a ditch somewhere."
"Is that why we're in Vegas? We killed the Riddler for a cell phone and we fled the city?" Ivy joked.
"Maybe."
"I figured one day one of us would," Harley laughed.
"What is the last thing we remember?" Selina asked.
"Arguing with Harvey about going roller skating," Ivy answered.
"I remember that too," Harley agreed.
"Me too. Remember what day that was?"
"Thursday evening."
Selina started laughing hysterically.
"Damn it Harley! Selina got hit with that Joker venom!"
Harley picked the phone off the table and shook her head. "I don't think that's it. I think she went nuts. Look."
Ivy grabbed the phone from Harley. She couldn't believe her eyes. "How in the hell can it be Saturday?"
They ate dinner quickly and quietly and bolted for their room the second they were done. Once back up in their suite, they started to try and piece together the last two nights.
"Alright, we can't panic," Ivy said as calmly as she could.
"You keep saying that but I think we have the right to panic. We've lost two days, possibly two men, and I may or may not be married," Selina replied.
"Mazletov by the way," Harley added.
Selina glared at her. "We need to figure out what happened to Bruce and if Eddie was with us as well."
"Why don't you try calling Bruce's phone?" Ivy suggested.
"Believe it or not, I don't actually know the number."
"See if Eddums has the number," Harley offered.
"I don't think…wait, he does. I don't even want to know." Selina hit the send button and waited for someone to pick up.
Harley heard a faint tune playing in the bedroom William Shatner had been in. She followed it and found a cell phone on the nightstand. She picked it up and said "Hello."
"Harley?" Selina asked.
She walked out of the bedroom with the phone in her hand. "Plan B?"
"We book it back to Gotham with rich boy's credit cards and figure things out from there," Ivy told them taking a seat on the couch.
"We can't leave Bruce and possibly Eddie out here with no money and no explanation of what is going on," Selina sighed.
"Oh we can."
"I'm calling Holly. Maybe Eddie is with her and that'll be one less problem."
"You son of a bitch!" Holly screamed.
Selina pulled the phone away from her ear. "Odd greeting but I've heard worse."
"Selina?" Holly asked.
"Hi Holls. I'm guessing Eddie is on your shit list."
"Can you blame me?"
"I don't actually know. Look, Ivy, Harley, and I are in a weird situation. We woke up in Vegas with no clue as to what happened these last two days."
Holly snorted.
"Sounds like you have an idea what's been going on."
"Look, you guys can't cause a huge mess and get out of it by faking amnesia."
"I honestly have no clue…"
"Whatever. You're on your own and tell that bimbo bitch that she better watch her ass when she comes back to Gotham." Holly hung up.
"Harley, do you have any idea why Holly would want to kick your ass?"
Harley shook her head.
"Alright ladies, we've messed up and we've messed up good. Judging by Holly's temper I'd say Eddie was with us and the old flame was rekindled."
"I would never go for Eddie again," Harley huffed.
"And I didn't think I would marry Bruce Wayne but some weird shit has apparently gone down."
Ivy started to smile.
"Are you cracking over there?" Selina asked.
"No, I just had an idea. We can't go anywhere or do anything without all of the world knowing. The Tipster has to have a pretty good timeline of the events of the last two days."
"Why didn't we think of that earlier?"
"The shock of being in a random place with no memory will do funny things to ya," Harley sighed.
"Speaking from a place of experience over there?" Selina asked flipping Eddie's phone open to text messages.
Ivy shook her head and flipped on the TV.
"When you date the Joker, all kinds of weird things happen," Harley explained.
"Speaking of your amour." Ivy gestured to the TV and turned the volume up.
"Still no sign of the Joker who escaped Ikers prison Thursday night with the help of two unknown accomplices," The reporter on the TV informed them.
"Unknown accomplices my ass. It looks like Jervis and Jonathan," Selina grumbled.
"What time was that?" Harley asked.
"Real late. Practically Friday morning. We need to go back further and fortunately there are a million or so updates pre-Joker escape."
"Wonderful."
"I should try Harvey," Ivy said snatching Bruce's phone away from Harley.
"Surprised you didn't do that earlier."
"Me too." She dialed Harvey's number but it went straight to voicemail. "Well that's not good."
"Huh?"
"Harvey's not answering."
"Maybe he's in Vegas too," Harley suggested.
"I can't imagine that would be a good thing."
"Please, for the love of Batman, stop talking," Joker whined as he held his head trying to keep it from exploding.
"We're trying to figure out what the hell happened," Harvey snapped.
"What happened is we got drunk and now I need to sleep it off."
"This can't be happening," Harvey thought. "There is no way I got drunk and ran off to Vegas with this lot." He looked at Joker was in the fetal position on the floor still cradling his head while Jervis and Jonathan occupied the couch. No Eddie. No Bruce. No girls. Although there were some signs that at some point the girls had been here. He picked Ivy's compact up off the table. "We need to look around for clues as to where the girls are."
"I need sleep and vicodin," Joker replied.
"You will get neither. Man up, throw up, drink some water, and then help me look around. You two, get up and start looking as well."
"Who died and made you leader?" Jervis hissed.
"No one but if it'll make you feel better I'll put my boot in your ass."
"Why does everyone want some part of their foot in my ass?"
"Because you're annoying," Johnny sighed. "I need to find my phone and call Sage."
Joker made a half-assed whip sound.
"Even hungover he's a riot."
"I'm always on." He stood up and immediately spilled his guts onto the floor. "I don't remember eating that."
"If you remember anything I'd be happy," Harvey replied.
"I vaguely remember these two breaking me out of prison."
"I don't." Jervis pouted.
"I don't remember that either," Johnny agreed.
"It happened. And you were driving the car." Joker pointed to Harvey.
"I sure as hell don't remember that," Harvey said.
"It happened."
"Alright, can you remember if Eddie or Bruce or any of the girls were with us?"
"No."
"No you can't remember or no they weren't." Harvey was getting annoyed now.
"No they weren't there."
"Why would we bust your sorry ass out of prison?" Johnny questioned.
"Sounds like a question for the Riddler," Jervis joked.
"Heh…Fuck!" Joker yelled jumping up off the couch.
"That was my ear," Johnny cried.
"That skinny nerdy little shit!"
Harvey looked at Jervis, Johnny, and then the empty spot where he imagined Eddie. "You'll have to be more specific."
"Edward!"
"Remember something about that particular skinny nerdy little shit?"
"It was a Tipster update. He was with Harley boarding a plane to Vegas!"
Harvey, Johnny, and Jervis groaned.
"What?"
"You need to stop with Harley or stay with Harley. You can't say, sorry don't want ya and then get your panties in a twist when she decides to move on," Johnny explained.
"I'll thank you to leave my panties out of this."
Harvey smacked Joker on the back of the head. "You're an idiot but at least it explains why we're in Vegas."
"No, it explains why Joker is in Vegas," Jervis corrected.
"This is true."
"And why did we break him out?"
"I still don't know."
"What is the last thing you remember Harvey?" Johnny asked.
"Going to the roller rink."
"That is my last memory as well. Jervis?"
"Me too."
"So, between the roller rink and breaking Joker out we have no idea what happened and same for after Joker escaped until now," Harvey grumbled. "Fucking perfect."
Bruce looked around at the darkness that engulfed him. This can't be good. He felt the wall next to him. Smooth, cement as was the floor he was sitting on. On his other side was various objects, none of which he recognized by touch. He stood up slowly and felt around for a light switch or a pull string. He took another step, tripped over something, and fell on his side. "Ow." There was a moan under him and he realized that he had landed on a person. Bruce quickly rolled off. "Are you ok?"
"Bruce? Is that you?" Eddie groaned trying to sit himself up.
"Eddie?"
"Yup. It's Eddie."
"You wouldn't happen to know where we are would you?"
"No. And I think I'm blind."
"You're not blind. The room is just completely dark. I think it's a storage closet."
"Why are we in a closet together?"
"I wish I had an answer for you that didn't involve a lame joke."
"You're done hanging out with Joker."
Bruce started to feel around the walls again until he found a door. "Aha!"
"What?"
"Door. We're getting out of here and…shit."
"I don't like that."
"It's locked."
"Shit."