Rick stood in the doorway, watching with a heavy heart as Kate rocked herself and their son, the boy curled up on his mother's chest while she sat cross-legged in the middle of their bed. Kate's head was resting in the crook of their son's neck, her nose buried there, as she rocked them both back and forth. Her shoulders shook almost to the point of violence as she sobbed silently into Owen's shoulder, desperate, gasping breaths escaping her lungs every few seconds, the sound breaking her fiancé's heart over and over again. The baby was silent, sleeping like only a Castle could, not that Rick could ever sleep through Kate crying, especially the heart-wrenching sobbing that she was currently experiencing.
She hadn't noticed him standing there, a testament to just how hard she was sobbing. She could usually tell when he was pulling up outside the building; to not notice him not four feet from her side was practically unheard of.
Castle took a breath, not sure whether or not, or even how, to interrupt. She was breaking her heart in here, sobbing silently and alone to their son, and he had no idea what to do. What kind of a fiancé was he? What kind of a man?
"Kate?" He asked ever so quietly. She stopped rocking immediately, staying in her hiding place for a few moments longer before shyly lifting her head to face him.
She hiccupped once, cradling Owen gently as she wiped her face with her other hand. She wouldn't meet his eye, staring resolutely at his feet.
"Baby?" He whispered, taking half a step closer. "Sweetheart? I, Kate I..." he trailed off, a lump forming in his throat. "I'm so sorry." He whispered brokenly, falling to sit against the wall, bringing his knees into his chest, laying his head in the gap. "I've really fucked this up haven't I?" He shook his head, tipping back to lean his skull against the wall, face turned to the ceiling.
Kate sniffed, unmoving. She couldn't comfort him when her own heart was in such shambles. And she felt like such a failure for thinking it.
"Kate, I, I never meant to hurt you." He sighed softly. "I, I, it's just," he blew out a frustrated breath, "I promised your dad I'd keep you safe Kate. I promised. And then some guy kidnaps you because I was selfish enough to get you pregnant? And I was stupid enough to do it before I was brave enough to ask you to marry me? How could I be that selfish? You're my girlfriend Kate but you're his daughter."He shook his head slowly. "I, that call Kate, jeeze for about ten minutes, after I got there, I had to leave the boys to it because I had to throw up. You remember the feeling when you heard that bank explode? That sick to your stomach, blood freezing in your veins fear that everything you love is gone?"
Kate nodded silently, tears still slipping down her face.
"Yeah, so do I. The last time I felt it Kate was when I was holding you in the cemetery, as your blood seeped into my hands."
Kate shuddered.
"And it, it takes a while for it to leave you. And, I, Kate you nearly died. You coded in the ambulance. They told me they might have to choose between your life and Owen's. And I, I knew I'd save you. I knew that. It was never a question in my mind but Kate, I. I'm not sure how I feel about that thought. That certainty. I would have sacrificed him for you? What kind of a monster does that make me?"
"Not a monster." Kate's hoarse voice barely made a sound but he heard her just the same.
"I, I don't know how to look at you without seeing you bleeding out. I, I don't know how to do that, how to get back to us just being, us." He shook his head. "I, I wish I could stop making you cry. Wish with every fibre of my being that I made you feel better not worse. But I don't Kate, so maybe it might be best if we just spent a few days apart."
Kate's heart sank like a stone. "No." She gasped, the baby in her chest awakening with a keening cry as Kate's breath quickened. Rick's whole body tensed at the absolute raw fear that coated his fiancé's face.
"Kate, I'm not suggesting a break-up..."
"No!" She shouted, gently laying Owen in his Moses basket, despite his crying, before sinking beside Castle on the floor, ignoring the pain in her legs and lower abdomen, ignoring how her stitches pulled. "Castle, I ask you not to leave me and this is what you suggest? Rick, Rick you, you can't..." Kate's hand came up to grasp at the neckline of her t-shirt, her lungs fighting for every breath as the walls started to cave in on her. She hadn't had a panic attack in years, not since that sniper case, but she knew the symptoms well enough.
"Kate." Rick's gentle but firm voice entered her head space, fighting for dominance over the cotton feeling surrounding her senses. He carefully placed his hands on her shoulders, pushing slightly, enough to ground her in the room with him. "Kate listen to me. I am not breaking up with you. I couldn't break up with you. I am not leaving you, or our son, I promise. I just need a few days to get my head on right so I can be the partner you need."
"You are." She whispered, her voice breaking and catching, sounding twenty years younger than it should. "I need you now. Please Rick, don't do this."
She locked her eyes with his, watery panicked green meeting worried blue, trying to show him just how fragile and needy she was right now. And he saw it. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind to miss it.
He slid his hand to the backs of her shoulders, pulling her into his chest, holding her trembling body to the solid wall of his chest, trying to hold her together, studiously ignoring the violent tattoo of her heart racing against him. He'd done this to her. He'd had a hand in breaking the strongest woman he knew.