Chapter Twenty-Five: Truth of Failure
Author's Note at the end.
Daniel tried to shake off what he and Jack talked about before he fearfully just ran away from Jack. He should be able to talk to his husband about the fears he was dealing with. He didn't know what to do about how he felt about Zale, that he felt he failed his son. He needed to do something to make sure Lust and Desire couldn't do the same thing.
He walked down the stairs, nodding to a few of his language students and walked over to the throne room doors and heaved the heavy door open and walked into the bustling hall that in a lot of ways was the community of the Valley. People came here to speak to Akina, eat together and the children played together here. Daniel knew this is where he would normally find Akina and when he glanced around the room, he found her playing in the kid's corner with her little ones.
Daniel walked over to her and stood, waiting for her to acknowledge him. He didn't have to wait long before she looked up and smiled, "Daniel?"
"Lust and Desire? What's happening with them?"
Akina sighed, whispered something to her daughter and stood, following Daniel as he walked away so they could get some privacy. "Now Daniel," she soothed gently trying to place a hand on his arm.
Daniel pulled his hand away, and noticed that under the skin tingle he got whenever Akina's counterpart, Zara, was playing with his emotions, "I have asked you repeatedly not to do that," Daniel griped.
"Zara, Daniel's not going to hurt me. Hurt Lust and Desire maybe, not me," she whispered. Daniel was used to people having one-sided conversations around him with the telepathy and so on. "Daniel the reason I have not shared more about the proceedings with the sisters is because I know how you feel."
"Do you really?" Daniel asked, heaving a sigh and releasing as much of the anger and bitterness he seemed to be constantly choking on these days, "I failed my son, I didn't destroy the threat. We didn't make sure that Desire and Lust stayed away and because of that, Jack almost died, we lost our house and Johnny was kidnapped and hurt."
Akina nodded, "I understand all of that Daniel but I cannot allow you to take their lives. I do not say this to protect them, but to protect you. Daniel, think about how you felt after you almost killed the man who hurt Johnny, think about how Zale feels right now after killing the kidnapper. Do not do this to yourself, to Jack and your family."
"I am not going to watch them get hurt because you don't want to lose the me that everyone has to protect all the time. I know Jack is worried, we're all worried and Lust has proven that she is willing to destroy our lives, to steal our sons. Desire cursed Jack, made a child out of the two of us just to turn it into a way to tear Jack and I apart; she did it to kill a baby and Jack. The only reason Jack and Malachi are alive right now is I became what I needed to, to make sure they survive. I became a warrior and now everyone is worried and concerned, this side of me disturbs Jack even though he wasn't before the pregnancy. I don't like becoming this different person either but I will do what I have to and keep my family safe."
Akina sighed, gripping his hand gently again and this time Daniel didn't pull away. "They will be punished for what they did but I will not see more death from this situation. I do not believe Zale and Zada, and the rest of your children would not want to see you do this. I cannot believe they would wish for this."
That was one of the hardest things about all this; he knew he might not be able to explain to his children why he was doing this, why he had to do this. He didn't understand why Jack had such a problem with this, the retired soldier had on more than one occasion killed someone because he or she posed a threat to the team. Jack was always the shoot first, think second kind of guy and now that Daniel believed in the same concept, now it wasn't okay?
Akina released him, "Daniel, go for a walk or something. Go and think on everything that has happened and is happening right now. Think about your husband and your children and the kind of partner and parent you want to be. Think about Malachi, I love that name by the way its beautiful, and what kind of life you want him to grow up."
Daniel nodded but glared a little at the woman, "We need to be there when they are sent away, at least I do. We need to know what assurance we are going to have if you aren't willing to get rid of them."
Akina nodded then shoved him away. Daniel did as she requested, he left the castle and started walking around the world they'd been a part of for the last twelve years, they had found love in each other here and had a family here. Sure, they had hard times but there were so many good times to go along with that.
Daniel took a deep breath then picked up his speed. He used to jog and still did when he had time so the rhythm was easy to fall into and he just felt what his body told him, when to slow and when to speed up. He listened and felt the beat of his heart and the pulse of his blood in his viens. He used the physicality of the exercise to clear his mind, strip him of the anger and fear, the uncertainty that Daniel had felt so much of on the past year or two. Ever since they went back in time, it seemed like they'd been tested over and over but then he thought about how they had come through all those things, they loved each other and did what they had to do to stay together and stay loving and present in their marriage and in the children's lives.
Lust and Desire's death would not keep bad things from happening, Daniel knew that and he knew the idea of killing them would assuage those fears Daniel felt was ridiculous and inaccurate. He knew all those things but after feeling as though he'd failed his eldest son, everything he was capable of and turning into had been called into question to be scrutinized.
Daniel had found himself wanting.
Johnny had been stabbed in direct result of Daniel fighting with a Vannas, he'd done what he had to but then Johnny had gotten involved and Daniel couldn't protect him. Johnny had been kidnapped and now Zale was dealing with being a killer, even in self-defense, it was something the sweet boy had serious problems with. Daniel and Zale were not born to this world of fighting; Zada was more like her Papa in that way. She was pragmatic about things a ten year old shouldn't have to be pragmatic about but at least it meant she was a little better equipped to deal with it if and when it happens.
All those thoughts and feelings raced through him as he ran, through the main roads of the village and cutting off towards the arena and kept going, heading for the peace and distance of the forest. It was there that he could scream and shout to the world and work through all the things that were wrapped up inside him, warping his perception and hurting his sense of self. He knew he couldn't be the man he was in the beginning, the weak scientist that needed help learning how to hold a gun and he hadn't been that by the time they were thrown into this time and Daniel had done what he needed to do to prove he would not be a willing victim, that he would fight and win. Did that need to become everything? He didn't know, and he hoped not.
Soon the denseness of the forest was enough to obscure the village's presence so Daniel slowed to a stop, his breathing rushing in and out, barely staying in his lungs long enough to actually feed his blood cells and after a few minutes it started to calm, thankfully spots were starting to appear in his vision. He fell to his knees and scrubbed his hands over his face, only to bring it away when he felt the dampness under his eyes. He released a sad chuckle and looked skyward.
"I have never truly known if I believe in something watching out for us in the universe. I still don't but I do owe someone something, I need to get some of this out. I hate living in fear that these damn women are going to take my children. I don't know what you think is right and wrong but how could it possibly be okay to hurt children in the journey to enlightment and the ending of life on this planet. I don't know what the point of my parents was, I don't understand why I had to see Sha're to the grave in the process of my fucking journey. And now, to lose those things, to lose everything and go through a long stretch of time watching the man I love most in the world falter and die slowly, how could that be okay by any stretch of the imagination. So I still don't know if I believe religion and spirituality is anything more than an important cultural stand point but I do not that my family is alive, Jack is alive and the baby is healthy, all those are good things. How do I let go of the bad?"
Daniel fell silent, hearing nothing and feeling nothing besides the relief in saying some of those things out loud. He had never truly be honest about his views of religion and God with anyone besides Jack, one of their many sleep overs on the living room floor before they were brought here and truly found each other. Jack had accepted it with a laugh, having been a lapsed Catholic who believed something but nothing like the church wanted him to believe. They'd never really discussed it since but here in this moment, Daniel still didn't know but he wondered if he felt better because something was listening possibly or that he jus had to be honest about what he was thinking and feeling for once. He was opening himself instead of closing it off and hoping taking actions against the sister would somehow make him better.
"Daniel?" someone called and he turned, his hand going to his lower back then realized is was Vane. Daniel hadn't seen him in a long time, he did not have a good reliationship with his half brother Adrian and since the other brother stayed at Daniel's house Vane rarely made an appearance. Daniel kept his hand on his dagger but straightened.
"What are you doing on the island?" Daniel asked.
"I am taking Lust and Desire, I sensed you nearby and figured I would be assured that you are safe and out in the middle of the forest of your own free will."
"You're taking the sisters? What are you going to do to them?" Daniel asked.
"I will get them off the island, disempower them and keep them within my camp as I have done with all the Vannas who become Infidels, they have always been and will always be my responsibility despite my sister's mistaken belief that she should somehow protect me from the destiny I have been given."
"Destiny," Daniel snorted, crossing his arms over his chest.
"I heard you speaking to the world and nature all around, and yet you do not believe in a thing called destiny?"
"I speak out because I need clarity, I wish for proof of Destiny."
Vane nodded, "I understand such a sentiment. Will you walk with me to the castle; I need to speak with my sister about her silence in this matter. I had to learn of Lust and Desire's actions through the rumor mill. I should have been the first to know when they contacted you and Lust tried to force the bond."
Daniel shrugged as they started walking back towards the world he'd left behind and Daniel sighed. They idea that Desire and Lust would lose their powers was equally distressing and a comfort to him, they wouldn't be able to use those powers to hurt Daniel and his family but they also wouldn't be able to use those powers to help others either. Desire's ability to create a healthy womb in Jack was an amazing gift, something that would help women who are infertile or same-sex couples with the possibility of children.
"When you take their powers, what happens to their abilities? Are they just gone from this world?" Daniel asked slowly.
Vane shook his head, "Depends on how they are disempowered. If Dk or Adrina drink from them, it will kill them in the long run. If Akina takes the power, she can contain it and save it for someone who shares genes with the person being disempowered. The powers could be given to your children, they are the only ones able to carrying them."
"Why?" Daniel asked, he'd heard so much about the Vannas abilities and world since they came here but this wasn't something he's ever talked to anyone about, disempowering a Vannas was not a punishment taken lightly to Akina's people and so no one had ever talked about it, even in passing and not even about Vane's Infidels.
"You know the powers of our people come to us because of a genetic link to a Magis, the beings that live within us," Daniel nodded, he did know about that. "Well, as the connection and abilities are linked to families, only family can take on the power."
"Like blood types," Daniel responded. Vane just stared at him in confusion and Daniel laughed a little, "When someone is injured and are losing blood too quickly, sometimes a blood transfusion will give the healers a better chance of saving a life but there are different blood types and you cannot just take from anyone for someone."
"I supposed but is that true of each family?"
Daniel shook his head, "No but it was just a loose comparison. What if my children never want the powers?"
"Then the contained ability will be held in a safe place for the day they may choose differently or their children after them."
"I know that Zale and Zada were born with Awakened Magis because those powers were loose in the world, so it does happen?"
"Of course, the only contained abilities that Akina has access to are those who are disempowered and those who are dying and we have the ability to take the power before they fade from this world. It was surprising to learn that two such strong lines of Magis had never been born into a lineage here in the world, it is the only way they could have bonded with the Z-Twins."
"You lost some of the Magis gods in your journey here right?" Daniel asked, remembering the stories and legends told by the Vannas.
"Yes, it is possible that Xylander and Sarafina traveled here with the rest but were unable to survive in their physical bodied but had enough power to remain, searching for a host to house them. Zada and Zale were perfect, had a lineage that had no power in it, leaving them open to the gods to come into them."
"Could have asked first," Daniel griped.
Vane laughed and spoke, "You understand that it not how it works."
Daniel nodded and they continued in silence. Vane didn't pick up the conversation and Daniel was still sucked into the thoughts of everything that he was working through. He didn't know if he would ever tell the children that they had a legacy of power from their mothers, undoubtedly because of the Magis inside Zale and Zada, they wouldn't be able to take on the powers left by their biological mothers but the twins and Johnny could choose someday to take them on but he would not be giving that choice to seven year olds and a six year old.
When Vane moved to walk to the throne room and away from Daniel, he stopped the other with a gentle hand on his arm. Vane stopped and looked down at Daniel's hand like he didn't understand why he was being touched. Daniel did not let it scare him away, "Will you please let me know what is happening and when with the sisters?"
"Of course Daniel, it is for you that I will do this."
Daniel nodded and watched the other man walk towards the throne room before he walked back upstairs towards their room. He opened the door, looked around and found a curious lack of small people, "I'm home," he called out.
Erica walked out of the bedroom, leaving the door open behind her and Daniel frowned at the other woman, "Where is everyone?"
"Johnny is spending some time with Greer and his siblings. Janet and Claire are under the watchful gaze of Elle and Ben is with some of them, I did not really catch where he was planning on going. Jack is resting."
"Is he okay?" Daniel asked.
"He is doing just fine but I think you and Jack need to stop moving around each other about everything that has occurred. Talk it out and remember what you have always had in each other."
Daniel nodded; he couldn't be offended that Jack had talked to her. Jack had been sharing a lot of himself with Erica for years now, the woman was an incredible healer and did her part to get Jack and Daniel to work on their problems together instead of separately which they still sometimes had a tendency to attempt despite being partners and being married over ten years.
He waved as Erica walked out of the apartment and Daniel walked over to his bedroom door and opened it a little more, finding Jack laying on his side which he was prone to doing now that Malachi was almost done growing. Jack's arm was tucked under his neck and head and Jack's eyes were open, looking towards the door when Daniel walked in.
"Hi Jack," he whispered as he walked all the way into the room.
"Daniel," Jack returned crisply but Daniel had been with Jack long enough to know when the tone was attempting to hide pain and anger and it was there. Daniel walked over and grabbed a chair, pulling it up to the side of the bed, unsure if he was welcome in his own bed at the moment.
Jack's brow rose in challenge at that.
"Jack I am not going to say sorry for thinking this was the only way, I am not going to apologize for becoming someone slightly different, if you can't love me for the new person that I am then we have a much bigger problem."
"Whoa whoa!" Jack interrupted and tried to sit up only to flop back down to the pillows. Daniel wanted to reach out and place a soothing hand on Jack's stomach, on his side or something. He didn't, still unsure of what Jack's response might be. He didn't think he couldn't deal with the feeling of rejection if Jack pulled away. After Jack was done resettling himself, he reached out one hand and Daniel gratefully placed his palm into Jack's open hand. Jack gripped his fingers gently and tugged until Daniel moved to the bed and tucked himself against Jack's chest. Daniel moved his hand to rest on Jack's stomach but stayed focused on Jack's face. Jack was angry and upset and Daniel didn't know what to try to do first. "I won't stop loving you just because you are changing Daniel. I am worried that you are forcing this because you think its necessary, we can get through whatever is happening without killing the sisters."
Daniel nodded, "I figured that out, talked to Akina and went for a run."
"You went for a run? You haven't done that in a while," Jack said gently as he struggled to lift his hand to the side of Daniel's neck in the awkward position he was in. Daniel took Jack's hand and pressed it to his cheek, pressing a kiss to the soldier's palm.
"I don't know what to do with what happened Jack, I don't know how to deal with the fact that Zale had to kill a man because I couldn't do it. I had to watch someone drag our son away, and I watched you get sicker and sicker. I can't keep standing by and watching while one of the people I love in the world is in danger and I didn't do anything, couldn't do anything to protect you or them."
Jack scooted back on the bed then pulled Daniel down next to him, Daniel smiled as he pressed his head to the pillow next to Jack's. Daniel moved his hand back to his husband's belly, pleased when he could feel Malachi's movement under the surface. "Daniel, do you think that I like watching you get kidnapped, killed, hurt, fucking molested by my brother and repeatedly hurt by my mother? Do you think I don't feel like a failure to you and the kids?"
Daniel shook his head, "Jack you were always there and you always saved me and you have done everything in your power to keep our children safe."
"And you are always here, taking care of me and the kids when we need you. You're not a failure to me or to Zale or any of our children. Please Daniel, I hope you can keep that in mind and learn to forgive this."
Daniel sighed, "Jack are you saying you finally forgave yourself about Charlie?" he asked gently. Jack jerked a little but didn't pull away.
"You helped me figure that out Daniel, the kids helped me to learn to let go of everything with Charlie. Does it still hurt me? Do I still worry I could make such a mistake again, yes I do but I can be here for you and them without Charlie hanging over me all the time. Zale is not dead, Johnny is not dead and they are going to make it through this and so are you."
Daniel sighed again, "As long as we're together right?"
"Yeahsureyoubetcha," Jack whispered and he leaned forward to press his lips to Daniel's mouth and they shared a sweet and slow kiss. Daniel knew there was more to be discussed and they would. Right now though Daniel just sank into the kiss, feeling the tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He let everything go, stopped worrying about what was going to happen with the sisters and just stayed in that moment with Jack.
Author's Note: Just in case anyone is wondering, I have a spiritual relationship with a Higher Power of my own understanding, Canon Daniel has never spoken to believing one way or another and this is how that came out. He has only every spoken about religion in a distant study of culture kind of thing, yes he believes its important but does he actually believe? I don't know. The point of that scene was not to question believing or not believing, I have had my life rocked by the loss of my Dad and my house in a fire, and it has caused me to question and wonder. I believe that would be similarly the case for Daniel as well. So I hope everyone understands that this is not my belief nor is it my purpose to seek to change any minds with that scene, just to share some of the mental stuff Daniel is going through and how he might question something as integral to life as faith. Thanks for reading and again no promotion or offense is intended.