A/N: I have a few announcements. First, the good news is that you got a chapter before I left. I was hoping to get one out but I didn't know if it'd be possible. Thank you for all your well wishes for midterms, I think they went okay, just happy for them to be over. So I will not be updating for the next week or so, since I will be in beautiful San Francisco California on my Spring Break. I just wanted to let you guys know so you wouldn't be expecting a chapter.
Secondly, I'm really happy to announce that I have sent in my application to participate in the Support Stacie Author Auction set for the end of March. If you'd like to bid on me or would like more information, stay tuned to the blog. I'll post any updates I get for the auction on there and also give a reminder on here. It's a cause that's very important to me and I would appreciate anything you could donate. If you'd like you can even pool money with a few of your fanfic friends and pitch a collective story idea.
Without any more delay. Here is the chapter. I'm issuing a Tissue Watch, not a warning. Not positive you'll need one but you might want to have one handy just in case.
Edward
"Edward?" Bella called. I barely heard her. I wasn't there. I was still back in Charlie's office a few nights before. And ever since then I haven't been able to shake this fucking feeling of just absolute panic.
"Edward?" She called again. I blinked a few times, trying to shake myself back to the present but all I could see was his face. He'd never done anything to me. He'd never hurt me. But he represented everything that had. Everything that broke me was embodied in him. He exuded it with each step into Charlie's office.
"Captain Webber." I clicked my heels together and stood up straight, keeping my eyes straight ahead. It was almost like I was a robot, programmed to act a certain way in his presence.
"Cullen? I didn't expect to see you here. Relax son." He patted me on the shoulder.
"Thank you sir."
"How are you doing? I didn't see you at…the funeral."
"I was there sir. I just wanted to keep a low profile."
He nodded and looked towards Charlie. "I'm sorry I'm a little early, feel free to finish up with Lieutenant Cullen."
"We're finished. Please have a seat." Charlie gestured to the chair in front of his desk. I turned and walked out the door, closing it quickly behind me. As soon as I heard the click of the door all of the air rushed out of my lungs as I leaned back against the wall.
"Mr. Cullen are you alright?" Rita asked. She titled her head sideways and kinked her eyebrow at me.
"Yeah..Just…give me a minute." I quietly gasped for air. What was Captain Webber doing here? I glanced back towards the closed door. Did it have anything to do with Charlie's warning about staying away from Bella? He had no other logical reason to be here, but would Charlie really stoop that low to convince my superior that I'm ready and willing to be deployed again? I hated to think that way, but I couldn't help it now. That seed of doubt was fucking planted. Somewhere deep down inside me, somewhere I don't think anyone could reach. And I had no idea how to get rid of it. It was paralyzing me.
As much as I hated to admit it this was the one thing that could break me. It could push me towards the edge. And I knew what that would do to Bella, what it could do to us. It would ruin us. Hell I didn't even know how to get over just seeing Captain Webber.
"Edward?" I felt a soft punch to my shoulder and shook my head, realizing I was still in my room. Bella was lying down on my bed while she was supposed to be out to dinner with Jessica. Apparently Bella paid her to tell Charlie that. She said we couldn't keep using Alice or Charlie would get more suspicious. Too bad he already was. And I had no idea the lengths he would go to just to get his way.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
"What's wrong with you these past few days? You've been tense the entire time I've been here." She sat up and crawled over onto my lap to run her fingers through my hair. "Are you still mad at me about what happened at the mall?"
"No sweetie I'm not mad at you." I managed a smile, but couldn't hold my eyes to hers.
"Okay then." She grabbed hold of my face and turned it towards hers. "Kiss me."
I licked my lips and slowly inched forward to press my lips to hers. But something was still off. And I knew she knew it too. I could feel her trying to put her all into it, but I just wasn't…there. And I didn't know how to get back. That jolt in Charlie's office had altered me permanently.
She sighed and pulled back, keeping her eyes closed tightly. "Did I…did I do something? You can tell me. I won't be mad."
"No I've just been doing a lot of thinking…" I whispered. I knew that was the wrong thing to say. That's what everyone says before they're about to break someone's heart.
"Thinking?" Her eyes shot open. "About us?"
"Well kind of…I mean no."
"Well what are you thinking?"
"I…just…I don't know." I stuttered, not sure what I wanted to say or even how to answer.
"You're kind of scaring me."
"I'm not trying to scare you, I just…I have a lot on my plate right now and I was thinking maybe we should…" My voice trailed off.
"Edward what are you saying? You…you don't want to be with me?" Her voice broke a little.
"No that's not it."
"Then what the fuck is it?!"
"I went to Charlie's office that night and…"
"Wait a minute," she interrupted. "What were you doing at Charlie's? Did he say something to you?"
"No." I lowered my eyes from hers.
She nodded her head and bit down on her lip as she stared right through me, trying to figure it out. I couldn't tell her. I can't…do that to her. I won't. And I won't do that to me. I hated admitting that it scared me more than I loved her. And I loved her more than anything.
"I just think that maybe we should cool it down for a little bit okay?" I said quickly, almost regretting the words as soon as they came out. That wasn't what I wanted at all, but I feel like I'm in defensive mode now. Completely on edge about fucking everything. And it was killing me.
I rubbed my eyes, still heavy with sleep. I hadn't slept much lately, tossing and turning, trying to sort through all this shattered glass my life had just broken into.
Her jaw hung open, her lips creating the perfect shape as they pouted out. "Are you," she stammered, the tears starting to form in her eyes. "Are you breaking up with me?"
I couldn't speak. I couldn't understand how we got here. It didn't make sense and it wasn't what I wanted. Everything was just spinning out of control. Ever since he walked into Charlie's office my life has become everything I was always scared it would be. I was paranoid. Afraid. Fucking irrational and stupid to even say anything. Why couldn't I just let it go?
"Don't you love me anymore?" The tears started slipping down her cheek and I reached out to brush them away, physically unable not to comfort her. "Don't touch me!" She jumped up off my lap and inched away from me.
"Bella I love you more than anything…" I stood up and started towards her. "Don't ever…ever…think that I don't love you." I felt the warm moisture slip down my face, unable to hold them back. "It's just…there are some things you don't know."
"God you sound like Charlie! He did say something to you didn't he? And you're too chicken shit to stand up for us?"
"I just don't want to hurt you Bella."
"You're lying," she cried. "You're hurting me now." She yelled, backing even more away from me.
"I didn't know it was going to be this hard," I screamed back. "God we have to sneak around, we can barely even go out in public. What kind of life is that?!" I couldn't even control all the words that were slipping out. That had nothing to do with this. But the floodgates were open and now everything just came fucking rushing out, ready to destroy everything in its path.
"Are you saying I'm not worth it? Am I not worth all this bullshit to you? Because if I'm not you better tell me right now."
I shook my head, trying to figure out what to say to make this better. I didn't want this. I wanted her, always.
"No that's…that's not…"
"Am I worth it Edward?" She took a step forward and pushed me hard on my chest. I stumbled back and into my desk. A few books fell over and onto to the ground.
"Of course you're worth it! You're worth everything!" I took a step towards her and she pushed me away again. "I just need some time to figure things out. Let Charlie cool down a little. I'm not breaking up with you."
"That's the thing about breaks. They turn into break ups. So what the hell are you waiting for?" She grabbed her bag and started towards the door. "Forget it." She slammed my door and disappeared down the hallway. I heard her stomp down the stairs and out the door. I ran to the window and watched her start down the driveway, her arms crossed in front of her. She reached up every few moments to wipe the tears away from her face.
"Damn it," I whispered to myself before turning around and running to follow her. I ran down the stairs, completely skipping the last three and almost falling forward on my hands.
"What the hell is going on?" Emmett asked. He was scanning through a magazine on the couch. "Bella just…"
"I know." I barely got the words out as I bolted past him and out the door.
"Bella! Wait! Please!" I slowed my pace as I reached her. She was halfway down the driveway and refused to even turn around. "Damn it will you just stop!" I stepped in front of her and she brushed past me.
"I've heard everything that I want to hear from you. Can you just…let me be?" She shook her head and started down the road again.
"What about us?" I grabbed her arm and spun her around.
"Us?" She laughed. "You…broke us Edward." She glanced down at the ground. "This is what you wanted." She bit down on her lip and finally looked up at me, her eyes cold as stone. It was almost like she wasn't even there. My Bella was already gone. "There is no us. We're done." She turned and walked away, pulling her arm from my grasp.
I stood there completely frozen, her words echoing through me. I never would have thought this would happen. Ever. I didn't even mean to start a damn fight with her, I was just so jaded. And now I'm alone.
I stood there and watched her slowly walk down the road, growing smaller and smaller with each step. I was just waiting for her to turn around and come back. This was just a fight we were having, just like the past couple of days. She'd come back. That's what's supposed to happen right?
I put my hands in my pockets and waited as she turned the corner and completely disappeared from my sight. I started to grow anxious after ten minutes passed. Did she really think she was going to walk home from here? She wouldn't make it there by tomorrow morning.
I spun around and ran towards my car. I pulled the keys out and fumbled with them as I tried to open my door.
"She won't be there man." Emmett said, suddenly on the porch.
"Why not?" I ignored him and unlocked my door.
"Because I called Rose about fifteen minutes ago to tell her to come get her and take her home."
I sighed and dropped my keys onto the ground. I leaned forward and rested my arms on top the car. I laid my head down and turned it towards the driveway, still thinking that she was going to come back.
I jumped as Emmett placed his hand on my shoulder, so completely wrapped up in that tiny bit of road that I hadn't even heard him approach.
"Come on bro. Come inside." He tried to pull me away from the car but my fingers wouldn't let go.
"I fucked up Emmett." I shook my head and tried to blink away the tears. "I fucked up really bad.
"It'll be okay…" He whispered. He didn't seem like much of the comforting type, but he was. When I was seven some stupid kid made me cry and he sat with me on the curb telling me everything was going to be okay. Just like he was doing now. But this wasn't some dumb schoolyard bully. He couldn't make this go away.
"It won't. Be okay." My fists clenched tight together and I pushed away from the car. "It won't be okay!" I screamed. My voice echoed through the sky while Emmett looked on, completely stunned my outburst. I ran my fingers through my hair and started back upstairs.
I ran to my room and started looking for my phone so I could call her. Tell her I'm sorry and that I love her. And I never, ever want to be away from her. She needed to know. I needed to make this better. I finally spotted it on the floor beside my bed and bent over to pick it up. I quickly dialed Bella's number and waited. It rang and rang and eventually went to voicemail. I hung up and tried again. And again. Always to voicemail. And then it just stopped ringing altogether. I hung up and threw my phone on my bed.
My eyes scanned the room, looking for anything to hold my attention for at least two seconds. Because if I just sat in here for more than two seconds I was going to lose it. I spotted my journal lying on my desk and grabbed it, ripping a few pages out. If she didn't want to talk to me that was fine, but she needed to hear what I had to say one way or another.
I sat down at my desk, grabbed the closest pen I could find and started writing.
Bella,
Please give me a chance to explain everything. I don't want to break up. I need you…
I sat there for the next two hours and told her everything. I told her five pages of everything. All about Captain Webber and how I felt like I was trapped. All about my suspicions about her father, even if they were completely bogus. I didn't want to hide anything from her. She needed to know what I was going through. It didn't excuse what just happened but it explained it.
I folded all the papers together and stuck them inside an envelope. I scribbled Bella's name on the front and started towards the front door. I didn't even realize the sun had gone down until I got outside. I bent down and pawed for my keys beside my car and got inside.
I sped towards Bella's house, not sure if she would even be there. But I had to try. I stopped at the gate and looked up at the house. It wasn't completely dark so I knew someone was here. I pushed the intercom and waited. I grabbed the gate and watched for any movement. I turned and pushed the intercom again.
"Hello!" I screamed. I turned around and started running my fingers through my hair. This was ridiculous.
"What do you want?" Riley asked from behind me.
I sighed and spun around. "I need to talk to her man."
"I'm afraid that's not possible."
"Listen. I know you don't like me. And I know we're not supposed to see each other but I just need to talk to her for a minute. And then I'll leave. I promise. I don't even have to come inside."
"She doesn't want to see you Edward."
"How the hell would you know?"
"Because she asked me to come out here and tell you to leave."
"She…she couldn't have," I stuttered, shaking my head. I didn't believe that.
"Said something about you two taking a break. Can't say I'm too upset about it."
My heart sank. She told him. How could she?
"Um…could you just give this to her please? I'll leave and I won't come back but please just give her this. It's important. I know I probably can't trust you but…" I held out the envelope to him, not expecting him to take it.
He sighed and reached through the bars. "This is the only time I will ever be nice to you. Don't forget that." He nodded and took the envelope.
"Thank you," I sighed. "Thanks a lot." I turned around and started towards my car.
"You're both better off you know," Riley said as he turned around. I guess his moment of kindness had passed. I glanced up at the house once more and got in my car. I planed to keep my phone close to me the whole night. It was like my lifeline. I was waiting for her to bring it back to life. And she never did.
Bella
The second I stepped out of his door I was gone. I refused to let him see me cry again. Not after what he'd just done. He didn't deserve to see me that vulnerable anymore.
I bolted down the stairs and passed Emmett, who said something to me. I wasn't paying attention. My mind was focused on getting out of here. I couldn't stay one more minute without breaking into a million pieces.
"Bella! Wait! Please!" I tried to block out his voice. I hoped that I was imagining it because if I had to face him again I don't know how I would keep it together. My breaths started coming out short and staggered and I could feel the intense burning in my calves as I tried desperately to get away.
I clenched my eyes tight when he stepped in front of me. I forced myself not to listen to him. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. At all. I gave some half-assed excuse and tried to leave again.
"What about us?"
My breath hitched in my throat. He had the audacity to say all those things to me up in his room and then ask that question.
"Us?" I tried to suppress my laughter. "You…broke us Edward," I stuttered. I really wanted to say you broke your promise to me. He promised me that he'd never let me down; he'd never leave me. And he shattered it all to hell, just like everyone else always did. This was the reason I didn't let myself fall in love. If you don't ever fall in love you can't ever get hurt. And I was hurting. I was hurting so bad that I felt it in my bones. I wasn't ever going to let it happen again. "There is no us," I said quickly. "We're done." I spun around just as a tear slipped down my cheek, praying that he wouldn't follow me. I kept my eyes straight ahead, focused on the curve in the driveway. Once I was around that bend I was safe.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't hear him behind me. As soon as I rounded the corner I closed my eyes and let it out. A raw and uncontrollable sob escaped from the deepest pit of my chest. I quickly put my hand over my mouth to hold it in. I didn't want him to hear me.
I just told myself to put one foot in front of the other. Left. Right. Left. Right. I didn't know how long I walked but I was vaguely aware of a car passing by me. A few moments later it pulled up beside me.
"Get in sweetheart." Rosalie pushed the door of her car open. I slowly turned towards her car and stepped in, pulling the door shut behind me. "Emmett called," she explained.
I hugged my arms around my stomach, almost just trying to hold myself together.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.
I shook my head adamantly.
"Okay…" She nodded and kept her eyes on the road.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket but I knew it was him. I let it go to voicemail. He called a few more times and I pulled it out and shut it completely off.
We finally pulled up to the gate and I was anxious as ever to get out. No offense to Rosalie but I didn't want to be around anything or anyone that reminded me of Edward. It was too painful.
"Thank you Rosalie." I stepped out and walked around to the intercom.
"Swan Residence?" Riley said.
"It's Bella," I said softly. The gate opened a few moments later and I stepped inside.
"Bella? I thought you were going out to dinner with Jessica? I didn't expect you back for another hour or so?" Charlie asked when I got inside.
"It's over," I said softly.
"What's over?" He raised his eyebrow.
"Me and Edward. It's over. You got what you wanted."
"Bella…" he whispered.
"Save it!" I cried. "I know you said something to him when he was at your office!" I started up the stairs.
"Isabella you should speak to your father with a little more respect," Riley said.
"You want to hear something respectful. Fuck you. Both of you." I slammed the door behind me and grabbed my phone. I turned it back on and wasn't surprised to see a ton of missed calls from Edward. I dialed Alice's number and sat down on the edge of my bed.
"Yo, yo." Alice answered.
"Alice?" I sobbed.
"Honey what's wrong?"
"I…I broke up with Edward."
"What? Why?"
"So he wouldn't do it." I wiped at my eyes.
"I don't understand Bella."
"He said…he wanted to take a break. You know what that means Alice. Even if he didn't say it. He's having doubts about us. So I ended it before he could hurt me anymore." The floorboards outside my door creaked a little and I spun my head towards it. A shadow passed by the sliver of light under my door.
"Bella are you sure this is what you want? I mean he didn't say he wanted to break up did he?"
"No. I just…I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. That's why I fought so hard against it. And the one time I give in I get screwed." I shook my head.
"I'm sorry. Do you want me to come over? We can have a girls night."
"No, no it's okay. I just…I think I just want to be alone," I lied. I hated lying to her but even Alice couldn't make this better.
"Okay well call me if you need me."
"Bye." I hung up the phone and stretched out across my bed. I grabbed a piece of my hair and started twirling it between my fingers, but it only made me think of him. The way he used to run his fingers through my hair. I already missed him. And I was lying if I said I didn't love him. It didn't change anything. The pain was so much I had to do all I could not to scream.
I wiped my eyes and rolled onto my side, curling up in a ball. Maybe my dad was right. I know Edward tried to shield from it, but I knew what my father thought about me. Screw up. Broken. Irreversibly messed up. I knew I wasn't worth loving. Maybe I should start living up to those expectations.
I wanted to go back to before. Before Edward was even here. I missed the numbness. It was better than what I was feeling right now and I was willing to do anything to get the nothingness back.
I thought I heard a noise from downstairs, almost a beeping noise, like the intercom. I sat up and looked towards the door. I heard it again. I got up and shuffled to my door. I inched it open and stuck my head out. The foyer was completely empty. I made my way downstairs to get a cup of water. Charlie was sitting in the living room but Riley was nowhere to be found.
I pulled out a cup and turned on the faucet. I glanced outside and noticed some headlights down at the end of the driveway. I pulled back the curtain and stared. I couldn't see the car or who was in it, but it eventually slowly turned around and left.
I downed the rest of my water and went to put the cup in the sink. I glared at Charlie as I passed through the foyer, wanting him to feel as much pain as I was feeling right now. Maybe then he would really know how damaged I was.
Riley stepped inside and closed the door quickly behind him.
"Who was it Riley?" Charlie asked.
"Pizza delivery guy. He had the wrong address." He cleared his throat and started towards the kitchen. He dropped something in the trashcan and grabbed himself a soda from the fridge. I started back up the stairs, intent on trying to figure out some way to get away from here. There had to be something going on. I couldn't stay here. I needed something to take my mind off of everything.
"Hey Charlie?" Riley called as I reached the top of the stairs. "I have an errand to run in town. Is that alright with you?"
"Yeah sure. I think I'm going to call in tonight. I should probably…stay home." I could tell he was talking about me but I was too excited about what Riley had just said. Or as excited as I could be at the moment. I guess I wouldn't really call it that. Maybe relieved. Not excited.
I closed my door and reached for my phone.
"Hey Bella," Jake answered.
"Jake. Is there anything going on tonight?"
"Is Edward planning on springing you tonight?" He laughed.
"No just me," I snapped.
"Bella is everything okay?"
"Listen Jake, no offense but I didn't call you for small talk. Where is it?" I tapped my foot anxiously.
He cleared his throat, obviously surprised at my words. "Um I heard about something going on at Newton's. Do you need me to come get you?"
"Not at my house. We'd never make it out. I'll call you when I know where."
"Wait Bella what do you…"
I hung up before he could finish his sentence.
I didn't even attempt to do my makeup or hair. I didn't change my clothes. It wasn't about that now. I wasn't out to look cute or impress anyone. This was about me. I locked my door, knowing Charlie wouldn't bug me the rest of the night. He knew when to stay away. It didn't mean he'd be completely lenient, so I knew I couldn't go out the front door. But he wouldn't come in here while I was this upset.
I opened my window and crawled out. It was freezing but I didn't care. I crept along the edge of the house and made it to the drainpipe I used to use all the time. I slid down it with ease. Almost easier than I ever had. I barely noticed the scrapes on my arms from it.
I tiptoed across the yard, towards Riley's house. His car sat out front. I was just hoping it wasn't locked. Otherwise I was fucked.
I held my breath and pulled on the backdoor handle. Thankfully it opened and I crawled inside and lay down on the floor. In any other circumstance I probably would have laughed. The asshole was supposed to keep me here and he was the one taking me into town.
I heard the front door open and I held my breath, praying for the car light to go off. I sighed in relief as it slowly dimmed and eventually went out. A minute later the front door of the car opened and Riley got inside. I knew there was a chance he might see me, but I just pretended like I was invisible and hoped he wouldn't.
He put his keys in the ignition and didn't seem to show any signs of knowing I was there. He pulled out of the driveway just as his phone starting ringing.
"Yeah I just left. Where do you want to meet?...Okay." He hung up and turned up the radio. We drove for a while and I started recognizing the signs of the city. We passed by the Corner Pub and the General Store, finally pulling into the Gas Station on the other side of town. Riley got out and walked around to the other side of the car, disappearing from sight. I waited a few moments before I cautiously opened the door and got out. I barely closed it, not wanting to make any noise. I crouched down and crawled around the car when I heard his voice. I peeked around the front of the car and saw him across the parking lot. He was talking to someone in the backseat of a really nice car. The windows were tinted, but the back one was slightly rolled down. Riley was hunched over with his hand rested on top of the car. Whoever was inside the car handed him something and he stuck it in his back pocket.
I took a chance and ran inside the gas station, hoping he wouldn't see me. I guessed that he didn't because he'd probably already be in here. I snuck around the aisles, ignoring the strange looks from the cashier. I just didn't want Riley to see me. I peeked around the corner of the aisle just in time to see Riley climb into his car and pull away.
I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed Jake's number.
"I'm at the Gas Station. Can you come get me now?"
I went up to the front to wait for him. I pulled myself up on the front counter, because let's be honest, no one was coming in here. Actually I was kind of surprised that Riley had come here. I was mildly interested in what shenanigans he was getting into out here, but any interest dissipated when I saw Jake's car pull in.
"Where's Edward?" He asked when I got in.
"What are you president of his fan club? Do me a favor and don't…say his name to me tonight. Okay?"
"Fine." He turned his radio up loud and started towards Mike's.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me as he pulled in. The music was loud and there were a ton of cars in the front. The perfect distraction.
I hopped out of the car and walked inside a few steps in front of Jake. As soon as I walked in the room erupted in cheers.
"Is that Swan over there?" Mike called. He ran over and pulled me into a hug.
"I need a drink."
"Anything for you baby," he winked and grabbed a beer for me.
"No. Something stronger." I glanced around and spotted a bottle of liquor in the corner. I grabbed it and took a few swigs. "Shots anyone?"
Everyone cheered again. Jake stood in the doorway. I met his stare and didn't give a fuck about the disappointment in his eyes when he looked at me.
"You've been M.I.A. for awhile Bella. I was wondering if I was ever going to see you out again."
I poured myself a shot and brought it up to my lips. "No worries Mike," I said as I downed the shot. "I'm back."
A/N: Okay don't hurt me. We have to get through a few storms before we get to the sunshine. I promise you HEA. Pinky swear. I've been dreading writing this chapter because my heart was just breaking for them. They are both just so broken and so chained down by thoughts and circumstances that make them completely unstable. The simple fact that just seeing his commanding officer sent Edward into that tailspin is evidence to that. Makes me sad, but don't worry. I'm not even close to done with this story, so these two are here to stay for awhile. We'll get through it.
I'm also posing a challenge for you guys. Tell one of your fanfic pals about this story and let's see how many people we can get reading it.
So what do you think Riley was doing on his errand? And how much do you hate him for throwing away Bella's letter. Ugh. I want to set his pencil sized wiener on fiya. Leave me some reviews to come back to : )