Part III: Healing
Chicago
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Chapter 23: Our New Normal
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Chapter Disclaimer:
This chapter includes mature adult themes. Topics include depression, suicide, as well as adult consensual sexual situations.
At the start and end of the adult sexual situation I will use this symbol: /XO/
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Chapter 23: Our New Normal
Date: Early June +o+ Baby is 8 months old
^^ A month and a half has passed ^^
*Tris POV*
Beep.
Beep.
Be-
Startled from deep sleep by the sudden noise, I crack my eye open to see it is still so dark in our studio apartment. It must be really early…ugh, I'm so tired. We only use the alarm for days that Tobias has to be in the office at an ungodly early hour, which is not often.
Having an eight month old doesn't really allow for mornings of leisure to be able to sleep in. Andy is ready for his breakfast by seven AM. Eight AM if I am really lucky, which almost never happens.
Tobias quickly shuts off the alarm, I hold my breath as I count in my mind.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and TEN.
"We are in the clear, baby is still asleep," Tobias whispers in my ear as his arm suddenly wraps around my waist. He must have been counting as well.
"Argh...babe, was the alarm a mistake? It is so early, it feels like it is four or five in the morning…" I softly whine, my interrupted sleep making me feel a little cranky. Not the best way to start the day.
Tobias sits up and begins to pull me up. "It's five-thirty. Come on sleepy head, this was no mistake."
I raise my eyebrows as I allow Tobias to pull me up to my feet and wrap his arms around me.
"Well…I knew that Andy would be sleeping, and I wanted to lure you into the shower with me. I could really use your help this morning," he whispers while kissing my neck suggestively. I feel an instant pull in my stomach, my sleepy state quickly forgotten.
"My help? With what exactly?" I ask, straight faced.
"You see, I have this problem... I've got an amazing woman that has me on edge all of the time. I just can't stop thinking about her…really dirty and inappropriate thoughts," he murmurs softly. His breath tickling the strands of hair that fall behind my ear.
My cheeks instantly flush. Tobias has the ability to affect me with words alone. I close my eyes and slowly breathe in.
"Hmmm…I am not hearing what the problem is. Your issue sounds marvelous so far." I smile at him.
Tobias smiles back and silently picks me up off my feet, his hands under my butt as I wrap my legs around his waist.
"The issue…there is this twenty pound little child that is the most amazing kid...but…." Tobias teases while nibbling on my earlobe.
"Aw, there's always a 'but'," I laugh as he starts to massage my butt firmly while walking to the bathroom.
"This twenty pound bundle of joy forces me and this amazing woman to be really quiet while we make love, since we live in a smallish studio-apartment…it makes it really hard for me to do all the things I want to do to her, and whenever I want to do them." He sits me on the bathroom sink and then very slowly and quietly closes the door.
"Tell me more, how can I help?" I ask seriously, keeping my tone even.
He smiles. "I am so glad you asked. It's better if I show you…how you can help…" he explains while turning on the shower and checking the water temperature.
/XO/
Tobias moves to stand in front of me, his eyes never leaving mine. He gives me a solemn look while taking my hand under his then sliding it slowly into the front of his tented boxers "My problem is right here…only you can help me," his breathing hitching as I begin stroking him, his eyes watching me with lust as his breathing gets faster.
I give him a grave look, "Oh my…you're absolutely right. I can tell this is a very large problem you have…" I increase the pressure. "Good thing I am here…and that our baby is sleeping soundly out there."
I smirk as he is suddenly pushing my nightgown up while sliding his hands to my hips, he chuckles, realizing that I am bare already. "Fuck, Tris. You always manage to surprise me. No underwear?!"
I give his shaft a gentle squeeze as his hands begins pleasuring me. "So wet, baby. I love that you want me as badly as I want you."
I mewl as his fingers move just the way he has learned to touch me, he knows exactly what I need to get me to come quickly. I push his boxers down his butt so they can fall to the ground. He tries to use his one free hand to pull off my nightgown while he kisses my neck and breasts over the thin cotton material. I yank it off myself while he steps out of his boxers, leaving us both naked.
Seeing his eyes roam my body up and down hungrily as his fingers stroke all of the places I need, sends me over the edge. I close my eyes and lean back on the sink and his other arm holds me tightly to him. My toes curl as my butt scoots off the counter to desperately move closer to his hand.
I moan, arching my back as my incredible orgasm consumes me. I'm still amazed at how Tobias makes me feel. Everything tightens, my breathing is faster and more difficult at the same time. Until suddenly there are waves of pleasure rushing through my body. It's like melting and exploding at the same time. I lose all control, and it's maybe the only time in my life when I'm not worried about anything but that very moment with him.
Catching my breath I notice him staring at me intently, I feel myself wanting him all over again. I close my eyes for a moment to calm myself.
I pull him close to me, whispering in his ear, "I'm all yours. You can take me slow or you can do me hard. Just do it…now." I lean down to gently bite the spot where his neck meets his shoulder.
"Dammit, Tris. You're going to make my come all over your stomach if you keep talking to me that way. Hard it is, get ready baby."
/XO/
He delivers, he always does.
++o++
I smile at Andy as he eats his baby-puffs, of course more than half will end up on the floor. He is still working out those fine motor skills. I swear he laughed at me the other day as I groaned while on my knees cleaning up one of his larger messes.
I love my son, and our time together is so special. My mind wanders to the email I received this morning…another possible job offer. Johanna had put in a good word for me at a few places that needed help. I have been contacted with a couple of pretty amazing offers.
I sigh, I wish there was a clear right or wrong answer. Or I wish I could clone myself and be in two places at once.
I love my time at home with the baby and also the flexibility it gives me to really take care of him and Tobias, and most importantly…bring Andy to spend more time with his daddy. Our family lunches are the highlight of both Tobias's and my day. We have them a few times a week.
I will bring it up with Tobias at dinner tonight. We can talk it out and decide together. He works so hard, but having a baby is really expensive. I know he feels a lot of pressure as well, which in turn makes me feel guilty. He is twenty years old and has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, as do I at eighteen. I smile to myself, we are making it work. It's not perfect…but it's perfect for us…and for Andy, too.
I never knew I could love another person so much. Andy is a baby, and by all accounts is not speaking yet…but he is able to communicate with me in a way that makes my heart sing. I know his cries, I know his yawns, I know when he is being mischievous, and I know when he is scared. It's almost as though I can just know what he is thinking, I always feel him in my heart.
Tobias is a great dad, although I've recently noticed that when it comes to Andy he often defers to me. I don't mean that Tobias is lazy and sits back while I'm at his beck and call. It is more that Tobias will offer to cook, or clean or do laundry…while he wants me to take care of Andy. Maybe that is normal? I have no idea.
What I do know: Tobias adores this kid. He is always begging and pleading, and joking that he will withhold sex (yeah, right) if I don't bring the baby and meet him for his lunch break. I basically have to force him to go out with Zeke every couple of weeks. I want him to still feel normal, and I know a part of that is not making me and the baby the only things in his life.
It was really hard on Tobias last month when he had a work trip to the bureau. He was going to be so busy, it didn't make sense for Andy and me to make the trip with him. So we never considered it. Tobias was so homesick, I've never had someone call me so many times in one day.
It worked out really well; Michelle and Jessica purposely chose that week to visit me and meet the baby! Even funnier was how we all squeezed into the studio apartment for their visit. It was like a girls' slumber party. Well, three girls and a baby. They were a big help, and Michelle was an awesome sounding board as she is already a mom. Jessica and her husband are expecting their first baby, it is still really early in her pregnancy. She is so excited to become a mom. Michelle's husband was a champ and he stayed with their two girls in Providence during their visit. Michelle made sure to tell us that both grandmothers were also helping out. She likes to keep his ego in check.
It was a good visit with the girls, we talked a lot about life. The three of us each live in three different cities now, but we are as close as ever. We discussed how we felt about all that had happened to us at the bureau. The topic of James had already been discussed, so we made it a point to not even mention him. Some of it was painful, and other times we were so thankful to not only be alive…but also relieved that none of us have a child created as part of their great experiment.
Baby Andy was born there, while I was kept in a coma...but he was created in a loving moment that Tobias and I shared. A moment between two people who really loved each other.
I sigh remembering all that has happened over the last month and a half. Thankfully I was completely cleared for James's death, it was ruled self-defense. The tapes of James kidnapping Andy from the secret orphanage and then his video demands were enough to clear me.
It has been a media frenzy. The story of kidnappings, comas, deaths and then babies has caught the attention of the entire nation. The one good thing, the media and even the curious public have respected the privacy of the victims and especially the children. Aside from the women I got to know during my time in rehabilitation, I know nothing else about any other victims.
Jessica did tell us that she is personal friends with some of the women who still live at the bureau…and some of the issues with the children have been heartbreaking. There are innocent families that had adopted a baby that was taken from its biological mother while she was in a coma. Just a painful situation for all involved. Being in Chicago has also kept me disconnected but also out of the limelight, which is probably not a bad thing.
What hasn't been good, I haven't been able to start therapy while out here. It is not even about the cost, it is more due to a shortage of therapists in Chicago. I did my initial intake session right after moving here, but they still haven't been able to assign me to a therapist that has openings. Tobias has been really supportive and he makes sure to check in with how I'm feeling, and he reminds me that he always wants to be there for me. I am hoping it will get worked out soon.
I look at my watch; I'm meeting Evelyn at the park after a quick lunch. She often works odd hours, so meeting up with her while Tobias is at work helps her get her grandbaby time in. I smile as I get the diaper bag ready, Evelyn and I have come a long way.
When I first returned, as she had promised Tobias, the first words out of her mouth were "I'm sorry." She was sorry for it all. And then she immediately turned her attention to Andy and began crying tears of joy. Tobias was so uncomfortable, he basically ran out of the room with the excuse he was going to pick up some snacks from the store for us.
I stayed calm and listened for an hour as Evelyn reminisced about Tobias as a baby, how hard things had been with Marcus, and most of all…she begged me to enjoy every moment. She told me that being a mother is a gift.
I smiled at her, although my heart ached thinking about my own mother and father. I can't even imagine what their reaction would have been to their grandchild.
Now poor Caleb, on the other hand, was in complete shock. For someone so intellectually inclined, hearing him repeat "You have a what?!" five times was a little odd. And the scathing look he gave Tobias…was not helpful, either. Caleb was livid that Tobias got me pregnant. Also not helpful was the taunting smirk Tobias gave him back.
After his initial shock…which lasted a few days...Caleb was really excited. He even got tears in his eyes when I told him it was Tobias's idea to name the baby Andrew after our dad. He made sure to tell us that he does not change diapers.
After cleaning up Andy's lunch mess, I change his diaper before putting him in the baby carrier. It is the easiest way for us to get around the city. I also feel he is safer when strapped to my chest and close. Johanna bought us this contraption as a gift, even Tobias could wear it…although he looked at me like I had two heads when I pointed out it was unisex and a dad could use it.
Tobias made sure to point out how cute and sexy I looked wearing the baby carrier with his son in it. I told him he was so full of shit. He just laughed and promised to make it up to me…later. When we were alone.
One thing that has been hard, Johanna's big election is coming to an end. Tobias is stressed to the max as it is no longer looking like a clear win for her. It is former candidate Jones that is giving the Reyes Campaign a run for their money.
Candidate Jones was forced to drop out when the terrible rumors about his wife circulated. Before we even found out about James's involvement with Whole Genetics and the project, I had given Johanna the banking information I memorized from James's safe. It did prove that James's campaign was behind it all. True to her word, Johanna exposed awful injustice that Mrs. Veronica Jones had to endure because of nasty politics.
After the truth came out about what James and his election team had done to candidate Jones and his family, Mr. Jones was suddenly back in the running and had a great survivor story to push his campaign along. Mr. Jones was quickly voted to represent the party seat James left open when he died.
It was a double edged sword for Johanna: the election is now neck and neck between the two candidates. Johanna handles the pressure well, as does her team. The end of a close election means a lot of stress and work hours for Tobias. I sigh remembering that Tobias has another work trip coming up, and this time Michelle and Jessica aren't coming for a visit.
++o++
"So, what do you think?" I ask Tobias nervously. I just finished reading him the email about the possible job offer. "They seem really interested in me…and they even mention that they have an onsite daycare for employees that have small kids…it seems great!"
Tobias takes a large sip of the water in his cup and is quiet. As though he is trying to think first and then say the right thing.
Clearing his throat, "The bottom line, Tris…I am going to support any decision you make."
I frown, he said that the last time too. "If you don't want me to work, I just need you to be honest with me!" I insist.
Tobias shakes his head, "We are getting by just fine, so this isn't about the money. At the end of the day, it is you getting a job…it would be you not being with Andy while you are at this job… Again, I don't feel like I can or should tell you what to do."
Sighing I go over my jumble of thoughts… I was hoping for more from him. What he thinks, does matter to me. "So you don't care either way? Is that what I'm hearing? I doubt that is true…just tell me what you really think."
He pauses again, this is agonizing to me.
"Ok, the truth is…I like things how they are now. I love knowing that our son is safe with you. I love that we can spend more time together as a family because you have all this flexibility." He runs his fingers through his hair as though frustrated. "But again, I want you to be happy. So if taking a step back and getting a full time job will make you feel more fulfilled…I support you."
I nod my head. I know he is trying not to influence me, but I also heard his words. The words I pushed and pushed for him to give me. I also know that the way things are now, I am completely dependent upon him. I literally have no income. It is just unnerving. I'm not blaming Tobias, he has never once suggested that it is "his money", he treats everything he has, everything he owns, as things that belong to "us".
I smile at Andy who ate dinner earlier and already had his bath. He is sitting in his highchair enjoying some more baby-puffs as a snack while we eat our late meal.
He looks right at me, showing off his fine motor skills as one by one he drops puff after puff on the floor. Little monster…I love him so much, possibly even more when he is acting naughty. God help me, mother of the year here.
As I huff and bend over to start cleaning up his mess, Andy laughs and cries out "Mamma! Mamamamama!" I sit up and make eye contact with him and he laughs even harder. Tobias laughs too, he asks me if he can throw some of his food on the floor for me to pick up.
I throw a puff at him. He catches it in his mouth and then complains about how bland it is. "Yuck, this is gross. Why are we feeding this to Andy!?"
I roll my eyes and tell Tobias to get Andy ready for sleep. Tobias stands up and begins clearing the table. "You go ahead Tris, the kitchen is full of dishes and I didn't get a chance to empty the dishwasher before work this morning…It's a big mess, I'll tackle it."
I nod my head and get the baby ready. I don't even have to ask, Tobias brings Andy's bedtime bottle over to me, and takes the baby into his arms to kiss him and tell him that daddy loves him. Tobias hands him back to me, turns on the white noise machine by Andy's crib and quietly goes back to the kitchen.
We purposely moved his crib to be as far away from our bed as possible, trying to get some kind of privacy for us. Although it is one room, we also got a huge cubed bookshelf to have some privacy between our bed and the rest of the apartment. As I lay Andy down, I make sure he is almost asleep but awake enough that when he does wake in the middle of the night, he will not be expecting me to be holding him. He is an amazing sleeper, thank goodness.
I step back and retreat to the kitchen to help Tobias with all the work that is left. He kisses my cheek and tells me to sit down and relax.
He knows I've had a very long day. Smirking he then asks me how my visit with Evelyn went.
We both laugh, I roll my eyes and throw a kitchen towel at his head. I told him she was lovely as usual. He just smiles and keep cleaning up.
"Don't forget, I am bringing my travel bag with me to work in the morning. The bus is picking our group up from Johanna's offices and then heading directly to the bureau." He says quietly while frowning, "I hate to leave you both…more than you can imagine."
I smile at him sadly and nod. I know it is hard for him.
"So…I was thinking, since this trip is going to be even longer than the last one…maybe this time you and Andy can meet me out there?"
I raise my eyebrows, unsure of what he is thinking.
"Ok, my team has to leave early and do all the crazy set up. But Johanna and a smaller group aren't leaving for another two days…and she has booked a private transport. She already has approved some other staff-families to travel with her." He looks hopeful.
"Tobias…I…." I pause, trying to get my words in order. "I just have so many bad memories with the bureau. I hate the idea of bringing Andy back to that place…"
"You don't need to decide right at this moment…will you think about it? Please?"
I nod my head and wrap my arms around him. We kiss gently before we both resume cleaning the kitchen, I tell him I don't need my rest. He laughs and tells me he has plans for us later tonight.
Oh my.
++o++
/XO/
I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing, I know I need to be keep in control and keep quiet. The baby is sound asleep and across the room, but we have learned the hard way that he will wake up if we get too loud.
I bite my lip and control the moans that threaten to escape, Tobias is being so slow and tender. Everything about this moment feels perfect to me. He kisses my neck and shoulder I can feel he is fighting to keep in control, while being very deliberate with his movements.
I suddenly feel on the brink, I tell him I'm so close. He holds me tightly while laying on top of me, creating extra friction between us and quickens his pace, it's all I need to lose myself. He is right behind me, I hold him as his body trembles in my arms.
We both have a fine sheen of sweat on our bodies as he rolls over and pulls me into his arms. I grin while burying my face in his chest.
/XO/
After making love we talk quietly for another hour before it is time for real sleep. He tries to convince me to have sex one more time, I tell him I am so tired. He nods in understanding, admitting he is really tired too.
He admits he is sad about his trip, he just wanted to be close to me again. In that way.
"Promise me you'll think about joining me out there. I promise I will take care of you and Andy, I'll keep you both safe," he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
I smile at him, I'll also miss him while he's gone. Could I go back to the bureau so soon? It would be wonderful to see Jessica again, I know she will be at her home all this week.
Tobias clears his throat, "Any luck getting set up with a therapist here? I hate that they make it so hard for people…to get help."
I frown and nod my head no.
Tobias rolls us over so we are both laying on our sides, facing each other. "If you do come to the bureau, I know that Kelly White will make time to see you. I told you I met with her briefly during my last trip to the bureau when I saw my therapist for a session… They really care about you Tris, they want to support you."
"I know they do. Kelly and I exchange emails every so often. She really likes to hear about Andy too." I pause. "I also know Janice and her team are very anxious to see Andy again. I finally got them to stop calling him JJ!"
Tobias cringes. I frown, remembering how much hearing the name JJ still bothers him. "Ugh...I'm sorry, that was dumb of me."
He kisses me, "Nah…even if something is hard for me to talk about, I still want to hear it. No secrets, right?"
I smile. "Right, trust and communication." It is a phrase Tobias got from his therapist, we are working the motto into our relationship whenever we can.
I think about what Tobias is asking of me, he just wants to keep the baby and I close. Which is what I want too.
"Ok! You're right, it will be good to visit the bureau. Andy and I will go!" I whisper excitedly. Tobias kisses me firmly on the lips as a thank you.
I sit up and grab my cell phone that is charging on the bookshelf we have at the head of our bed. My side of the bed is pressed directly up against the apartment wall. Although no privacy for sound, at least our bed is no longer visible from other area's of the apartment.
I open my smart phone's email and send Kelly White a request to meet with her later this week, while I'm at the bureau. I also explain that I haven't been assigned a therapist in Chicago and I'm hoping she can pull some strings to help get the process moving. Once I hit send I see that Tobias has the biggest smile on his face.
"I'm really proud of you Tris," he says while holding me and stroking my back.
"Hmmm...thanks. Goodnight," I yawn as I snuggle in closer to him.
"Goodnight, my love," he whispers as he falls asleep first.
++o+ Chapter End +o++