I do not own any of the internet personalities or memes presented in this story.
The Internet Police: The Will of the Internet
The Great Game, Part 1
"The ending of this story will be our ultimate triumph over the Plebeians and their worship of their false idols," boomed Emperor George as he towered over the podium in Chicago's Imperial Park (formerly called Millennium Park). There was a spotlight shining upon him as other spotlights penetrated the night sky.
Emperor George was dressed in the finest Victorian attire. As he spoke, he held a decorative cane in his hand, giving off the impression that he was a battered old man who experienced life's greatest hardships. In attendance were HurricaneAubrey, the Angry Video Game Nerd, the Irate Gamer, and what appeared to be all of Chicago's Patrician population residing within the city's high walls. The usual décor of the park's abstract art has been replaced with the installation of huge Roman columns and arches (though some, most prominently Cloud Gate, remained in the park). There were also a multitude of blue flags emblazoned with the golden letters IV between the images of Ares and Athena in addition to the presence of Roman-style aquila. There were also images of injured and dead Patricians who sacrificed themselves for Emperor George in their conflict against the Plebeians and the so-called Patricians who were excommunicated by the Emperor himself.
"I know that we have suffered major setbacks. We have been betrayed by members of my own Institute Army and Enlightened League when they foolishly decided to favor traditions and practices that were deemed repugnant in The Blue Book, 1000th edition. In a time when we are already pressed with trying to save the Plebeians, these Patricians in name only have decided to break away from the house I built for sanctuary against this wicked modern world. They have taken my son from his mortal body, and they have divided these United States, our homeland, into hundreds of separate states, each corresponding to a time period deemed acceptable to their congregation. Through my infinite wisdom, I have narrowed down the time periods and traditions worthy of my blessing. My intelligent and wise followers accepted my deductive reasoning without question. But apparently, there were Patricians who believed that the time periods in the past that I excluded were precious to them. They thought of themselves as more enlightened than myself, the Emperor. And that's the reason why these false Patricians decided to rebel against me, accusing me of incorporating impure elements from the past. It began with the death of my beloved son and heir, it continued with the Defenestration of Chicago, and it has culminated in the Great Schism of America that I spoke about earlier," said Emperor George as he held firm to his cane.
As Emperor George began speaking about how one congregation of ex-Patricians (his new label for Patricians who left his organization) compiled their One Hundred Complaints about his rule, HurricaneAubrey thought about what happened during the Defenestration of Chicago. She remembered how it occurred at the building housing the Norman Greeting Card Company, a company she used to work at before joining the Internet Police. Norman Albert, the insane head of greeting card business, was a fanatical supporter of Emperor George and insisted that his employees only create greeting cards that expressed a hatred of modern life and a love for the past. As a huge fan of the 1970s, Norman forced his workers to make cards that would sing to them the greatest hits from the 1970s, with ABBA being his favorite, and it was Bob Smith, an employee that HurricaneAubrey knew during her employment at the company, who proposed this idea to him. It was ironic that Norman accepted Bob's idea considering that he fired him for suggesting that the cards sing back to the viewer. Having decided to return to the greeting card company after enduring several job firings, he sarcastically suggested boosting the company's sales through singing greeting cards, but much to his amazement, Norman wholeheartedly adopted his idea, with Emperor George's influence on him being the deciding factor.
"Little did Bob know that his sarcasm would be his literal downfall," thought HurricaneAubrey.
It started well enough as Norman's employees mass-produced greeting cards that played songs like Dancing Queen and Money, Money, Money, songs that the employees enjoyed as they worked. But after a while, some of them grew tired of listening to the same songs, with Bob being one of them. She recalled the hidden footage that she saw of the confrontation between Bob and Norman Albert over 1970s music.
"Can't we at least put songs from different time periods into the cards? Must we always have to listen to the same ABBA songs over and over again?" said a tired-looking Bob.
Norman gave an understanding look towards Bob, and then, he shouted through megaphone.
"NO! All the cards must play music from the 1970s, the only decade with any decency and style!" shouted Norman.
"Well then," said Bob with a smile on his face. "I've got news for you. Emperor George, who I support for giving me hope through my periods of repeated unemployment, has deemed 1970s things to be unworthy in his eyes, with anyone being a fan of that era to be a heathen that will be excommunicated from his society. So be reasonable and get with the times."
Bob summoned a couple of other employees who backed him against their disdain for the 1970s music to join him by a window.
"I guess there's only one thing to do," said Norman as he lowered his megaphone.
Norman walked by the window, patted Bob on the shoulder, and promptly threw him out the window. With the floor being high above street level, HurricaneAubrey knew that Bob was dead as soon as he shattered the glass window and fell onto the hard pavement. She remembered how Norman and his lackeys threw Bob's supporters out the window as well. The fallout from this event led to Emperor George excommunicating Norman and his followers, causing Norman to form his 1970s denomination in another part of America.
"We must not be afraid to shed a little blood in our quest in reunifying America from these ex-Patricians!" yelled Emperor George, catching HurricaneAubrey attention. "As if the Plebeian infestation wasn't enough, these ex-Patricians have forced me to suspend our proselytizing efforts abroad, and unfortunately, this resulted in no other country supporting my reign as Emperor of the Internet due to a low number of Patricians in their state. But we cannot allow these setbacks to deter us from bringing the Western world back to its glorious past. We must find a way to bring these ex-Patricians back home and accept me as their father, with the Plebeians hopefully joining them. If we are successful, then we will usher in a new Renaissance for America and the rest of the Western world. If we fail, then an eternal darkness will forevermore infect the succeeding generations, with our children cursing us for our failure to give them a brighter future. Do you want that on your conscious my fellow Patricians?"
Many Patricians in Imperial Park shook their heads. Right on cue, rain started falling from the sky, drenching everyone in the park.
"The heavens have baptized us with new life. Let us carry on our mission for the future generations. Internexus vult!" shouted Emperor George as he raised his arms towards the sky.
"Internexus vult!" yelled the crowd.
The crowd started dispersing. The Nerd and HurricaneAubrey retreated back into their car. The Nerd drove through the pouring rain, which gave both of them a sense of dread rather than hope. After minutes of silence, the Nerd began speaking.
"I know what you're thinking, HurricaneAubrey. You feel guilty about the death of Bob Smith and his co-workers," said the Nerd.
"It's just that I was recruited into the Internet Police shortly after being fired by Norman," said HurricaneAubrey. "I wonder if I could have done something to stop him from defenestrating all those people."
"There was nothing you could have done," said the Nerd. "If you indeed had never joined the Internet Police and returned back to that greeting card company, then you would have met the same fate as Bob and his friends. Without the physical and psychological training of the Internet Police, you could never have stood up to men like Norman."
"You're right," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Now that you're a part of the Internet Police, you now have the opportunity to avenge Bob's death and end the Great Schism of America with as little bloodshed as possible," commented the Nerd. "Does that seem reasonable?"
"Of course," said HurricaneAubrey with confidence.
Strawburry17, JoeyGraceffa, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey were in a part of the Greater Los Angeles area that belonged to Emperor George. At the Getty Villa in the Los Angeles neighborhood of Pacific Palisades, there was an elaborate party taking place, with the party itself hosted by Frank Murdoch and Roxy Harmon. In attendance were the Nerd, HurricaneAubrey, Strawburry17, JoeyGraceffa, and a couple of other top Patricians dressed in Edwardian era clothing. In the presence of the glorious Californian sunset, a formal dance was being performed by the partygoers in the main courtyard. The Nerd was dancing with HurricaneAubrey, JoeyGraceffa with Strawburry17, and Frank with what appeared to be his ex-wife Alison. It was Roxy who had no one to dance with, with the teenage girl standing awkwardly besides a little girl who was Frank's daughter Ava. Having finished a sumptuous feast that was offered at the villa, JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 had enough energy to dance with the same level of grace as the Nerd and HurricaneAubrey, impressing everyone in their vicinity. With the dance coming to an end, Frank, JoeyGraceffa, the Nerd, and all of the gentlemen retreated to the smoking room of the villa. In the presence of Greek, Etruscan, and Roman artworks, all of the Patrician gentlemen were smoking cigars in their mouths as they sat on ornate chairs in deep conversation with each other.
"And after I gave the receptionist a copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies at the insurance company I worked at in Syracuse, she immediately had me fired for harassment and inappropriate conduct. Could she not realize that I was merely being friendly with her when I decided to look up her address to deliver her flowers?" said Frank as he smoked his cigar alongside the Nerd and JoeyGraceffa. "What am I a creepy stalker?"
The Nerd and JoeyGraceffa stared each other and seemed to have read each other's minds. As internet celebrities, they had made extraordinary friendships with fans of theirs at conventions and on the internet itself. But there were times that certain friendships went beyond the usual limits as defined by being stalked and lusted by their love stricken fans, much in the same way that the Critic was hunted down by Hyper Fangirl. Was Frank merely being a friendly gentleman when he looked up the receptionist's home address or did he cross the line?
"Maybe it was the fact that I gave her Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that forced her to get me fired from my job as an insurance salesman. If that's the case, then I was such an ignoramus. Why didn't I give her the original, untainted 19th century book from Jane Austen instead of a 21st century twisted and rotting abomination? That would be like showing her the Lizzie Bennett Diaries or any other crappy Vlog series that leeches off the original novels by giving them an unnecessary modern twist," said Frank as he blew smoke out of his mouth. "Why would anyone want to put themselves or fictional characters in a modern age filled with idiocy and mean-spiritedness."
"You do like to talk a lot," commented the Nerd with a cigar in his mouth.
"Thank you," said Frank, taking the comment as a compliment. "Do you remember a young television celebrity named Chloe? No. Well I'm glad that bitch is dead for being a spoiled and whiny little brat, and I'm thankful that her parents coincidentally died shortly afterwards. We don't need any more vermin plaguing America, and thankfully, fate has decided that death should fall upon rude theatergoers, reality television celebrities, and people who double park their cars."
JoeyGraceffa and the Nerd stared at each other in silence. They both knew that death hadn't come randomly for these victims as revealed by undercover investigations, but it was Frank and Roxy who deliberately decided that their time on earth was to come to an abrupt end. As they watched Frank smoke confidently in a room filled with antiquity's greatest treasures, they understood how dangerous he was. Frank got up from his seat and approached a Greek clay pot on display, with the pot itself showing various Greeks of different backgrounds.
"What do you see here?" asked Frank to the Nerd and JoeyGraceffa.
"Greeks united against the Persian threat," said the Nerd. "Looks like the men are more than willing to go to war while the women are maintaining order in their households."
"And it appears that the Greek boys and girls are being good by completely obeying their elders and upholding to traditional values," said JoeyGraceffa.
"Well versed," said Frank. "I think we can all agree that we're all real men here who are more than willing to fight for civilization and culture unlike those savages who would much rather dance naked in front of the internet and obsess over the latest fashion or gossip. As a real man and a father, I found it my duty to deliver sermons to all westerners that they need to return to the olden days where real men would sacrifice themselves in such battles like Marathon, Thermopylae, and Salamis. Can you imagine the reaction the Plebeian males would have when they stumble upon my sermons while browsing online?"
The Nerd almost gave out a laugh, alarming JoeyGraceffa and prompting him to kick the Nerd gently on the leg. Frank didn't notice the Nerd's laugh. In the Nerd's mind, he could imagine a horny teenage boy looking up videos of scantily clad women and coming across Frank's sermons about Emperor George's message as a video advertisement. The boy would probably reply with erudite statements like "What the fuck is this? I wanna see titties" or "Why am I watching some boring old man speaking? I can't get aroused by this?" Of course, JoeyGraceffa was treating the situation more seriously as he was aware of how powerful and commanding Frank was considering how effective his sermons were and the lengths he would take in fulfilling Emperor George's utopian society. This was evident by Frank's participation in the massacre of the teenagers at the Getty Center that JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 witnessed.
"I'll just leave you two to admire this pristine Greek pot. It's a reflection of how much we achieved with Emperor George and how much farther we must go. I think you'll be especially inspired JoeyGraceffa considering the importance your Roman ancestors placed on Greek society and culture," said Frank as he walked away from his two acquaintances.
The Nerd and JoeyGraceffa examined the pot carefully, seeing the representations of ancient Greeks going about their daily routines.
"Doesn't this depiction of Greek life seem perfect," commented JoeyGraceffa as he saw the smiling faces of men, women, and children living in ancient Greece without the vices of the modern age.
"Too perfect," said the Nerd.
But something caught the Nerd's attention. He saw that there were other levels of the clay pot, ones that everyone else had ignored. They showed the imperfections of ancient Greece, ranging from crowds booing and interrupting a theater performance to the presence of slavery.
"Why hadn't anyone else noticed this before?" asked an astonished JoeyGraceffa.
"We see what we only want to see. We think what we only want to think," answered the Nerd cryptically.
JoeyGraceffa was confused by the Nerd's answer. Then he saw a Greek tablet attached to the wall, with no one to contemplate it.
"What does this say?" said JoeyGraceffa as he tried to read the tablet.
"It's all fucking Greek to me," said the Nerd as he tried to decipher the Greek text.
JoeyGraceffa took out his digital device, snapped a picture of the tablet, and searched for an English translation on one of the apps. JoeyGraceffa eyes widened when he saw the translated text. The Nerd looked at the digital device and understood JoeyGraceffa's reaction.
"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers," said the tablet attributed to an ancient Greek philosopher.
In JoeyGraceffa's mind, the images of ancient Greek children succumbing to rebellion and earthly pleasures were juxtaposed with today's youth following low-brow popular culture and posting unintelligent videos online. He could imagine the ancient Greek elders ranting about how their boys were no longer disciplined soldiers and were now rude, shrill girly men. This fact hit close to home as his effeminate behavior was the reason he was despised by many people, and it was other people's preference for a throwback to a more masculine time that JoeyGraceffa initially supported Emperor George. But after being revealed the truth about the past and about the fallacies of Emperor George's philosophy, JoeyGraceffa was no longer inclined to be dictated by the will of a backwards thinking ideology, with the tablet being the latest proof against Emperor George.
"Now do you get my answer and what you need to do now?" said the Nerd.
Spotting Frank examining a model replica of ancient Athens, JoeyGraceffa approached him.
"Do you think I'm worthy enough to make a trip to Utopia Island?" asked JoeyGraceffa to Frank.
In the Villa's gardens, Strawburry17 and HurricaneAubrey were privately watching video recordings of themselves, the Nerd, and JoeyGraceffa venturing throughout what could now be considered the Divided States of America. There were clips of them wandering through the abandoned hypnopaedia camps in Delaware, explaining to the camera that Emperor George had used hypnopaedia to instill his philosophy into millions of people through headphones they wore during their sleep. As a result, Emperor George gathered many followers by subconsciously influencing them through sleep-learning as well as through blatant propaganda and brute force. Of course, Emperor George's organization faced an internal schism involving individuals who agreed with his practices and strictness, but disagreed with the time period he idolized. This was evident by the divisions occurring in America along their nostalgic preferences. Ex-Patricians had divided the states, counties, cities, and neighborhoods of America into their own territories distinct from Emperor George's Empire, with names like 1990s Land, 1970s Land, 1980s Territory, and 1930s Territory. One of the more bizarre states consisted of one house labeled 2007 Wonderland ruled by a woman who only liked things from the year 2007, such as movies like Ratatouille, No Country for Old Men, Epic Movie, and Norbit. She was trapped in a miniature war with 2008 Awesomeland headed by a man from his house, who favored only material from 2008 like the Dark Knight, Wall-E, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, and The Love Guru. As the 2007 woman and the 2008 man glared at each other from their houses, the Nerd was providing commentary from the bushes.
"What you see here is just a microcosm of what is going on in America right now," explained the Nerd.
Strawburry17 watched on the portable digital device as the Nerd and HurricaneAubrey explain how Emperor George inspired these factions to create their own empires based on the same traits of forced sleep-learning, unsubtle propaganda, brute force, arrogance, and the continuous updating of their philosophy books like The Brown Book or The Yellow Book. The only difference between Emperor George and these splinter groups were the time periods they accepted, with Emperor George ironically being more lenient by his acceptance of multiple time periods compared to only one characterized by the so-called ex-Patricians. Though less powerful than Emperor George, the leaders of these ex-Patrician groups were just as brutal and unmoved by any deviants who dared challenge their nostalgic visions, with one particularly nasty incident involving a trip into 1990s Land.
"Wow! I sure like the movies they're showing," commented Strawburry17 in the footage. "Don't you agree with me, HurricaneAubrey?
"Yes," said HurricaneAubrey with a cautious tone.
For the past few days, they had watched 1990s classics like Jurassic Park, the two Toy Story movies, Saving Private Ryan, and Beauty and the Beast with a group of standing spectators at an outdoors theater. As skateboarders with bright clothing were weaving through the concentration of watchers selling floppy disks and Ecto-Cooler, Strawburry17 felt like she was in heaven.
"What I wouldn't give to remain here forever?" whispered Strawburry17 as she felt at peace.
Strawburry17 felt her foot being gently stepped on. She realized that HurricaneAubrey had done the act, and she quickly gave her a look of disapproval unnoticed by anyone else. Strawburry17 knew that they came here just to document life in 1990s Land and expose it as a false utopia, but Strawburry17 thought that this may be the time period that everyone should try to recreate. She recalled how HurricaneAubrey tried to pull her away from spending their allotted filming budget on VCR tapes of Nickelodeon classics like All That.
"Why is HurricaneAubrey being so disapproving of 1990s Land? Isn't she a true 90s Kid," thought Strawburry17. "Maybe the next round of movies will show her about the wonders of the 1990."
But as the days progressed, the 1990s weren't all that as a series of movies originating from the Nostalgia Critic's so-called Dark Age of Movies (occurring from 1996-2001) had been watched by Strawburry17. They included Godzilla 1998, Armageddon, Deep Impact, Twister, Dante's Peak, and Volcano. These movies focused on the special effects rather than characters or story. Strawburry17 watch through these films with much pain. By the time Bio-Dome was shown as a part of a Pauly Shore marathon, Strawburry17 just had about enough of 1990s Land, showing her discontent with a slight tilt of her head.
"Dude!" yelled one of the spectators. "Did that totally not cool babe just rejected the awesomeness of Pauly Shore?"
HurricaneAubrey knew that their cover was blown, and with that, Strawburry17 and HurricaneAubrey ran just as rocks were being pelted towards them. They soon were joined by the Nerd and JoeyGraceffa as the two men were running from a crowd of angry video gamers.
"I knew we shouldn't have pissed those 1990s fans off when we expressed our hatred of Superman 64!" shouted the Nerd.
"I think we should've known better than to offend their undying love for Superman 64!" yelled JoeyGraceffa.
"Or their love for obnoxious Pauly Shore movies!" shouted HurricaneAubrey.
As the footage showed the four of them outrunning the marauding 1990s fans straight out of 1990s Land, Strawburry17, turning her attention away from the portable device, noticed that Roxy was slapping a little girl and yelling several insults towards her. After yanking her by the ear out of the garden, Roxy came back into the garden and marched menacingly towards HurricaneAubrey and Strawburry17. HurricaneAubrey promptly turned off her digital device. Strawburry17 looked visibly scared of Roxy despite her being only a teenager and being shorter than Strawburry17. Roxy was within breathing distance of HurricaneAubrey and Strawburry17, and gave them a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry," said Roxy. "I took care of that troublesome brat and sent her to Utopia Island after I was alerted of how she improperly folded her napkin like a Plebeian. Good thing I was aware of her crime of folding her napkin three seconds quicker than what Emperor George considers acceptable. Now then, I hope you two ladies are having a good time at this lovely Patrician party."
Roxy was examining HurricaneAubrey and Strawburry17 from head to toe, looking for any flaws like improper body posture, small loose threads on the Edwardian clothing, or their breathing being out of sync. Knowing that she was lucky that the citizens of 1990s Land only threw rocks at them when she made a slight gesture of disapproval of their complete love of the 1990s, Strawburry17 was frightened beyond belief when Roxy gazed upon her as if the teenager's eyes were penetrating into her soul. And indeed, Strawburry17 knew her soul wasn't the purest as evident by her past alcoholism and her arguments with her mother. Much to her relief, Roxy was satisfied with their appearance and proceeded to talk to them amiably.
"Now I heard that you two are making a movie with a couple of other people that will finally convince the whole world that Emperor George is the one true ruler of the Patricians and all the others are false prophets. I'm sure that you will convince the world that all these ex-Patricians are wrong in forming their own societies away from their father," said Roxy excitedly. "Am I correct to assume that you incorporated the footage of Frank and me being carried over the Mississippi River by Plebeians and of the two of us supervising the construction of Prince Henry's mausoleum along the Santa Monica Pier? I hope all those Plebeians responsible for ruining America will pay for their sins through good old fashion blood and sweat."
"Of course we placed the footage of those Plebeians demolishing what you called 'Plebeian tumors' from the Santa Monica coast and building a larger replica of Rome's Pantheon in their place," said Strawburry17 faking excitement."
"Good," said Roxy. "I hope that the world will be impressed by what Emperor George has done to restore America to greatness again. Though I wonder if Prince Henry deserves such a grand tomb equivalent to that of Egypt's pharaohs. He's been a less worthy servant of Emperor George than I have, and certainly should never been in line to inherit his father's throne. Maybe I should've been the one to be anointed Emperor George's successor. Although, I still have time to convince the Emperor that I should be Empress of the Internet instead of some random brute or skank."
Roxy walked away from Strawburry17 and HurricaneAubrey as she listed off the reasons why she would be fit to become Empress of the Internet, ranging from her willingness to get her hands dirty to being a lover of older media.
"Remember what you need to do," said HurricaneAubrey to Strawburry17 as she held her hand and stared into her frightened face. "Don't be afraid."
Gathering courage, Strawburry17 called out to Roxy.
"As a faithful adherent of Emperor George, will I be able to travel to Utopia Island and see his life's work?" asked Strawburry17 to Roxy.
The party at the Getty Villa had come to a successful end all things considered. Though Los Angeles had been divided into several nostalgic factions, the nationwide ceasefire had been sustained, allowing for no trouble to occur. Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa shook the hands of Roxy and Frank respectively.
"Hope you like what you see on Utopia Island. It's going to be Emperor George's crowning achievement," said Roxy.
"Have a great time on Utopia Island, and remember, I hope you will eventually find a good wife in your life and raise a family that will carry on your name," said Frank.
"Farewell," said Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa as they rushed to get into the car occupied by the Nerd and HurricaneAubrey.
Getting into the car, the four occupants were about to leave when they stared back at Roxy and Frank, with the latter being accompanied by his wife and young daughter. Roxy headed back into the villa with her hands clamped together as if she was ready to fight. Frank hugged his wife and daughter.
"We're reunited as a family, and one of virtue and dignity thanks to Emperor George," said Frank as he kissed his wife.
Frank kneeled down to his daughter's eye level.
"Listen to me, Ava. When you grow up, I want you to find a good man. A brave man. A man that will be blessed by Emperor George and a man that will make me proud. Can you do that sweetheart?"
"Yes daddy," said Ava. "I love you daddy."
"I love you too sweetheart," said Frank.
Frank and his family hugged each other for what seemed to be forever. Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa were awestruck by this family reunion.
"I think we should get going right now," said the Nerd as he started the engine.
"I think so too," said HurricaneAubrey. "We need to get Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa to the airport so that they can shoot the footage at Utopia Island and find out what's going on at the Island of the Misfits."
The car ride to the airport went smoothly, if one considered not being searched by the Institute Army or the Enlightened League the definition of a smooth ride. The vibrant nightlife and neighborhoods of Los Angeles had been replaced by a foreboding atmosphere of Plebeians and ex-Patricians working day and night in building the grandiose and marble city that Emperor George wanted. As they passed large televisions broadcasting Emperor George's speeches condemning traitors and billboards of Frank and Roxy holding machine guns with a large American flag waving proudly in the background, the car finally reached the airport. Without another word, JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 left the car and headed into the terminal.
"I sure hope they won't chicken out at the last minute," commented the Nerd. "Do you think Frank and Roxy scared them into compliance HurricaneAubrey?"
"I don't know," admitted HurricaneAubrey.
The Grand Canyon was one of the wonders of the natural world. Usually, the Grand Canyon would be crowded with tourists from around the world who wanted to gaze upon one of earth's greatest masterpiece, but those days were over thanks to the shortsightedness of humanity. Nowadays, the route into the Grand Canyon was hampered by the presence of the 1930s Territory. Apparently, the periodic wars between the 1930s gangsters and 1930s police officers role-playing their respective duties during the Age of Prohibition would be a turn off for tourists wanting to avoid being struck by actual bullets fired from submachine guns. But for HurricaneAubrey and the Nerd, this 1930s buffer between the Grand Canyon and Emperor George's Empire was necessary to cross, and provided that they wore early 1930s attire and drove a 1930s car, they could safely pass through vendors selling apples for five cents and towns where alcohol was secretly brewed in private homes. Once in the Grand Canyon, HurricaneAubrey and the Nerd met with the Nostalgia Critic as they made plans on defeating Emperor George and the ex-Patricians. From an abandoned visitor center in the Grand Canyon, the three Internet Police communicated with the other rebels on websites like SpaceBattles, Reddit, and the website that shall not be named that began with the number four. Obviously, the rebels posted on threads that had ridiculous titles like Spam vs. Cookies or How to turn on your Computer? amidst more interesting topics like Doctor Who vs. Inspector Spacetime: The Oncoming Flame War or DC vs. Marvel: The Perpetual War. The Nerd was sending clips of the movie The Will of the Internet to several rebels on the forums' obscure threads from his laptop, with the Nerd getting back their responses regarding their quality. Just as the Nerd was getting movie footage from internet rebels like Screen Junkies, CinemaSins, and the VlogBrothers, the Critic was attempting to train HurricaneAubrey on firing guns.
"Do I really need to learn how to use a gun properly?" asked HurricaneAubrey to the Critic as she aimed awkwardly at the wooden targets. "I remembered how I couldn't hit anything with a machine gun at the Internet Police Complex's Gymnasium. Can't I always just use a katana against Emperor George and the ex-Patricians?"
"A gun is much an extension of yourself as a katana is," answered the Critic. "You need a gun if you're going to survive in these troubling times."
"But isn't things calmer now with the ceasefire between Emperor George and the ex-Patricians," said HurricaneAubrey.
"But for how long can peace last with reports of Emperor George stockpiling weapons and supplies to reignite another deadly war. If you're going to walk through the Valley of Death, you need a gun to complement your signature katana," said the Critic. "Let's just see what you're made of."
HurricaneAubrey gave a nervous smile and aimed the gun upwards. Unluckily, her trembling fingers caused the gun to fire into the air, causing the bullet to hit the ceiling. The Nerd turned around to watch HurricaneAubrey trying to rectify her mistake by firing towards the actual wooden targets, only missing all of them in the process due to lack of confidence. The Nerd returned his attention towards his online conversations on the forums as he shrugged his shoulders.
"How about I help you for the first few shots?" said the Critic as he saw HurricaneAubrey's embarrassed face. "Just turn to the side and I'll help you from there."
HurricaneAubrey nodded and she tilted her body to the side, with her head still facing the targets. The Critic grasped HurricaneAubrey's waist with one hand and used his other hand to hold her arm carrying the gun.
"Now breathe slowly and steadily," said the Critic as he took his hands away from HurricaneAubrey. "Fire when you're ready."
With her confidence restored, HurricaneAubrey fired her gun, and the bullet hit its target.
"I did it," said HurricaneAubrey softly with a smile on her face.
"Well done," said the Critic. "Let's see you fire with your whole body facing forward."
Like a heavily edited montage, HurricaneAubrey progressed quickly through gun practice as she learned to fire different sizes of guns and attempted to perfect dual wielding.
"Now that you have mastery over the gun, let's see how well you'll do in the field," said the Critic as he turned on the television screens.
Anticipating this, HurricaneAubrey focused on firing her gun on the targets as she heard several video clips of people lamenting their generation. She knew that she was being tested by the Critic whether she would be tempted to follow the ex-Patricians instead of Emperor George. She heard young people saying that they hated their generation, and heard the desperation in their voices as they spoke their opinions.
"Why can't we return to the time of the 1970s?" said one middle-aged man. "I remember the Coca-Cola commercial where a boy handed a coke bottle to football player Mean Joe Greene. Wouldn't you want to return to that simpler time?"
"I sure like to return to the 1970s," said HurricaneAubrey sarcastically as she continued firing her gun. "Because an energy crisis, the Iran hostage crisis, and disco seem like a simpler and more fun time for me."
"Oh I do miss the 1960s," said a teenage girl in another video. She had a look of longing on her face as she was surrounded by 1960s memorabilia. "Where the Beatles invaded America, where clothes were classier, where the Baby Boomers advocated for more freedom through actual activism. Whoever doesn't want to live back in the 1960s is an idiot and has no brain."
"Oh please," said HurricaneAubrey rolling her eyes as she continued firing. "The 1960s was also a chaotic time with cheesy music that has been deservedly forgotten and protests that often turned violent. And I think you forgot about the generational wars that occurred."
"Well golly. I wish we would return back to the 1950s," said a teenage boy. "My parents and grandparents already disowned my sister and brother for not loving the 1950s, and I don't care one bit. In fact, I'm glad that I no longer have to see them ever again if they're going to show disrespect for the 1950s. I'll tell you all the reasons why the 1950s were the only time period worth living in. Reason number one…"
"That's it!" said HurricaneAubrey as she fired upon the target with much more force than necessary.
HurricaneAubrey kneeled down after having taken the last shot. Her eyes were wide open as she delved into deep contemplation.
"I think that's enough practice for today. You did great, HurricaneAubrey," said the Critic as he turned off the monitors before they broadcasted people showing their undying love for the 1940s, the 1920s, and the month of July 1914.
While the Critic was busy getting feedback from his allies regarding the film The Will of the Internet, HurricaneAubrey was on the visitor center's observation deck, with a view of the Grand Canyon at sunset. But HurricaneAubrey didn't notice the spectacular view of the Grand Canyon as she was combing through the list of allies on their side against Emperor George and the ex-Patricians. She was glad to see that pretty much all of Greendale Community College agreed to their cause, with even Annie and Leonard joining them. Even better, she read that famous internet celebrities like Lindsey Stirling and The Piano Guys were supporting them, with her little sister being a huge fan of theirs.
"Maybe if she knew that I was on the side of these musicians that she's a huge fan of, then she and I could rekindle our relationship," thought HurricaneAubrey with a positive outlook.
But her positivity declined as she continued down the list. She saw that there were some internet personalities that she didn't like. There was Rémi Gaillard, the French prankster that HurricaneAubrey already met and had a disliking for. Recently, she heard that he wrapped the Palace of Versailles in toilet paper as a protest against all forms of tyranny and pretentiousness. To HurricaneAubrey, Rémi was an immature man-child who had no appreciation of culture or decency, and she would always disapprove of him despite providing the rebels with valuable information. There was also Emma Blackery, a British girl who was foul-mouthed and was unafraid of speaking her own opinion no matter how controversial or crude. Remembering her videos regarding hotel rooms and sex, she felt uneasy of having this British girl on their side. And then there was Smosh headed by Ian and Anthony. She might have found them amusing for the first few times, but after that, they just repeated the same jokes over and over again.
"And could they overact any further in their videos?" thought HurricaneAubrey. "They're just like a group of immature college frat boys."
She saw Emperor George appear in front of her, but this time, he was accompanied by Frank and Roxy. These apparitions didn't say a word as they blocked the view of the Grand Canyon. Nevertheless, she knew that they wanted her to rejoin Emperor George if she disliked these internet personalities. To her displeasure, she saw that several ex-Patricians had appeared in front of her out of nowhere, and they were clamoring for her to join their side. They pleaded with her to come with them to either the 1990s, the 1940s, or the wondrous year of 2006. HurricaneAubrey closed her eyes, hoping that all of these people would disappear from her mind.
"HurricaneAubrey?" said a person who wasn't imaginary.
HurricaneAubrey opened her eyes, and saw that no one was blocking the view of the Grand Canyon except for someone who was physically there. It was the Nerd.
"Nerd," said HurricaneAubrey as she joined him at the observation deck's railing. "I been looking through this list of allies on our side, and though I approve of many of them, there are some that I don't like at all."
"Then just tolerate them," said the Nerd.
"I just can't," said HurricaneAubrey. "And that troubles me."
"Why?" asked the Nerd.
"Because I don't want to be like Emperor George or those ex-Patricians who wants to create a monolithic society with everyone following the same ideology and practices. On the other hand, it would be easier to love everyone and everything if they were exactly the same," said HurricaneAubrey to the Nerd.
"What are you saying?" asked the Nerd.
"I'm saying that we live in the Age of Divisions. What makes the 20th century and the 21st century so unique in causing so much strife and divisions between people? How much further can we go back in time to a place where there was sameness and no divisions? The more I think about it, the more I want to seek the place of absolute unity. Do you agree with me?"
The Nerd took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead.
"So you want to live in a world with only atoms floating about in nothingness. Is that the unchanging paradise you are seeking?" commented the Nerd.
"What?" said a bewildered HurricaneAubrey.
"I see that you are still exhibiting a lack of tolerance," said the Nerd. "I thought the Critic had pounded the message of tolerance in your mind. Alas, you still need more evidence for you to believe in the virtue of diversity."
"You don't really need to," said HurricaneAubrey. "I'm already on the Critic's side against Emperor George and the ex-Patricians. I was just postulating a hypothetical scenario in which everyone was the same and there never were any differences between them to cause today's schism."
"Do you see the Grand Canyon in front of you?" asked the Nerd to HurricaneAubrey.
"Yes. It's obviously there," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Was it always here?" said the Nerd.
"Of course not," said HurricaneAubrey. "It was formed over millions of years by the forces of nature through erosion and the flow of the Colorado River."
"And what if someone decided that the Grand Canyon was just a big fucking hole in the ground that needed to be refilled to restore earth back to the good old days before there were any canyons," said the Nerd.
"That's ridiculous," said HurricaneAubrey as she saw the vastness of the canyon and the impossibility of filling up the whole landscape. "How can anyone suggest such a thing?"
"It may have taken millions of years for the Grand Canyon to form, but it was still a change that altered the landscape and set it apart from the mountains and rainforests created elsewhere on earth. Imagine if the whole of the earth was just a barren flatland. How would that look?" stated the Nerd.
"Not particularly exciting," said HurricaneAubrey.
"My point exactly," said the Nerd. "You see, Emperor George and the ex-Patricians believe in a static and uniform state of being, one where the universe is unchanging and repetitive. If we took their vision to the utmost extreme, then the universe would remain a vast space of nothingness for all eternity. There would have been no changes that made the universe an unpredictable yet exciting place. Where would the formation of stars and planets occur in the universe's constant state of emptiness? Where would the diversification of life itself from unicellular organisms occur if one would suggest that life remain the same for all time? Where would humans be if we decided to remain rooted to our hunting and gathering origins instead of taking a chance with agriculture? According to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, the only constant in the universe is change. This proves the fallacy of Emperor George and the ex-Patricians in wanting to live in a monolithic time because change and diversity will inevitably happen. The change and diversity in our lives may not always be good or to our liking, but there's nothing we can do to stop it." The Nerd took out black sunglasses and placed them over his eyes. "We're just going to have to deal with it."
"Wow. I never knew you were so philosophical. Are you going to put all of that in the movie?" commented HurricaneAubrey.
"I already did," said the Nerd. "And by the way, I just placed concise statements revolving around change. The other internet celebrities on our side came up with the idea."
"I bet it was the VlogBrothers," said HurricaneAubrey. "I can't imagine someone like Emma Blackery or Smosh being so philosophical."
The Nerd and HurricaneAubrey paused for a few minutes to view the Grand Canyon, a geological masterpiece formed by change and distinct from the works of Mount Everest or the Great Barrier Reef.
"So going back to your original question. You asked why the 20th and the 21st century were filled with so much division. How about you answer that question yourself?" asked the Nerd.
HurricaneAubrey pondered why the 20th century was different from any other time period in history. Why was this century the turning point that resulted in the rise of Emperor George and the schism happening in America today? She thought about what happened in the 20th century. She recalled how humanity went from building shoddy wooden airplanes to building rockets to the moon in less than a hundred years. She then remember how humanity went from riding cavalry into battle at the start of the 20th century to controlling mechanized tanks and aerial stealth bombers by the end of the 20th century. She thought about other developments that occurred during the 20th century. This was the century that split the atom, perfected the development of skyscrapers and the automobile, delivered television to the masses, witnessed the rise and fall of fascism and communism, and introduced the World Wide Web to the world.
"The 20th century was vastly different than any other century," thought HurricaneAubrey. "But why did this century led to the schism in America today?"
"I better get going," said the Nerd. "I'm going to have a chat with Wheatley online. I hope he doesn't complain to me about having to pull Space Core away from repeatedly watching Saturn V rockets launching into space. I know that Wheatley, Rick, and the Space Core are our allies, but I don't want any more bitching from Wheatley and Rick about Space Core, especially since Wheatley asked Space Core to join our resistance. I have enough problems without dealing with this bullshit."
The Nerd walked back into the abandoned visitor center. HurricaneAubrey decided to return to examining the list of allies as a means of distracting herself from the question. After reaching the end of the list with Jamie Dubs, Jory Caron, Riley Mcllwain, Jonathan Paula, Forest Gibson, Kristina Horner, she was disappointed to find out that her sister Allison wasn't on the list. Come to think of it, she hadn't heard from her sister since their break-up at Ellis Island. She had tried to find her whereabouts for a while, but so far, she had been unsuccessful.
"I just hope my sister and I can be reunited again," remarked HurricaneAubrey.
In Gallup, New Mexico, the Critic, the Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey met with Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa in a wooden gardening shed, and much to the relief of the three Internet Police agents, they had performed their mission of filming on location on Utopia Island and even privately filmed on the Island of the Misfits. At this moment, the film The Will of the Internet was divided between three memory cards. The three Internet Police agents working for the rebellion had one memory card with their filmed scenes. JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 had the footage from the two islands on their memory card. Lastly, the Greendale students and faculty had a third memory card containing their part of the movie.
"So what's our plan right now?" questioned JoeyGraceffa.
"We travel to Oklahoma City and get the third memory card from Abed and his friends," answered the Critic. "Then we'll rendezvous with Forest and the faction of the Institute of Internet Studies on our side in Springfield, Illinois."
"And from there, we'll figure out a way of taking absolute control of the Internet Police Complex in Chicago and The Institute of Internet Studies headquarters in Silicon Valley," said HurricaneAubrey. "You see, a large portion of the internet is now under the jurisdiction of both the Internet Police and the Institute of Internet Studies. With Emperor George as the supreme commander of both organizations, he has the power to push his agenda on a majority of the internet through propaganda videos and online forums. Right now, we have spread our anti-George message to a tiny fraction of the internet. If we can control the main headquarters of both organizations, then we'll be able to reach many more people and turn the tide in our favor."
"Good idea," said Strawburry17.
"Now let's see what you got on your memory card," said the Nerd to JoeyGraceffa.
JoeyGraceffa was about to hand his memory card to the Nerd when something came up in his mind.
"Why do they call New Mexico the Land of Enchantment?" asked JoeyGraceffa. "I'm curious to find out the reason."
"I know why New Mexico is called the Land of Enchantment!" shouted the voice of a teenage girl outside the gardening shed.
All five occupants paused as they knew the voice that teenage girl. Without warning, all four sides of the shed were torn down using rope attached to trucks. The five rebels saw that they were surrounded by Emperor George's army led by Frank and Roxy, with the soldiers pointing guns at them.
"Because this land will soon be purged of Plebeians including all of you," said Frank.
In the desolate area between Santa Fe and Albuquerque, Plebeians of different backgrounds were hauling and lifting marble to construct a temple dedicated to Emperor George's son Prince Henry. These Plebeians worked through the dead of night as Patricians with guns held torches. Day after day and night after night, the Patricians forced the Plebeians to pay for their sins against Emperor George through manual labor, not caring if some of them collapsed from exhaustion. The Plebeians accepted the authority of the powerful Patricians and did what they were told without question. But this night, the Plebeians were distracted from their exhausting task and bore witness to the largest Enlightenment gathering ever, and amongst the parade of families wearing khaki and blue uniforms with Pickelhaube helmets on their heads, three men and two women were being dragged onto a stage by a middle-aged man and a teenage girl. A series of Roman-style aquila and vexilla were carried by elite Institute soldiers through an opening leading to the stage. Then the Plebeians saw the one man who they were conditioned to see as a god on earth. As he ambulated elegantly between the crowds of Patricians prostrating themselves in front of him, some of the Plebeians followed suit, with the other Plebeians clasping their hands together in reverence or scratching themselves in penance for previously hating Emperor George. Adorned in an extensive cape, royal attire, and an ornate crown on his head, Emperor George marched onto the stage with a royal scepter in his hand as cameras were recording him live as he stood next to his five plainly dressed prisoners. As an orchestra played instruments and the Patrician crowd sang Vivat in Aeternum, the Critic saw two large piles of Plebeian objects situated on each side of the stage, presumably to be burned later. He quickly scanned his eyes over the two piles, looking for the two memory cards containing the film. He saw one memory card next to The Orange Book, 400th Edition and The Indigo Book, 450th Edition. He saw the other memory card next to the books Selp-Helf by Miranda Sings and My Drunk Kitchen by Hannah Hart. He and his friends needed to retrieve the two memory cards and get of here, but as he saw the multitude of Emperor George's followers holding guns in their hands, he knew it would be a daunting challenge.
"Patricians of the world. I am Emperor George of the Internet. And at last, we have finally captured the Plebeian terrorist known as the Nostalgia Critic. He and his four friends have abandoned their Patrician ways and started proselytizing others into following the Plebeian lifestyle. They were willing to join attention deficient adolescents and promiscuous women," spoke Emperor George in a dominating voice. "I hope that any watching will bear witness to my omnipotence as I shall return the legendary Critic and Nerd to their uncorrupted Patrician selves along with their three other friends."
A series of American flags were raised in the Patrician crowd as they waited for the five Plebeian terrorists on stage to beg forgiveness from Emperor George. JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 immediately went in front of Emperor George and drop to their knees, lowering their heads in shame.
"What are they doing?" thought HurricaneAubrey.
Strawburry17 gave a quick wink in her direction, indicating that they had a trick up their sleeves.
"So you have returned my prodigal son and daughter. Have you decided to reject the effeminate men and the whore on stage to bask in my almighty presence?" said Emperor George with authority.
"Of course," said JoeyGraceffa. "It was foolish of me to be unmanly on my online videos. From this day forward, I will uphold the traditional definition of manhood."
"I kneel before you a broken bird. I will follow your word and fly like a dove into a new life of traditional femininity," said Strawburry17.
Emperor George placed his hand over JoeyGraceffa's head and then over Strawburry17's while the Patrician crowd chanted "Give me that old time tradition." The three captured Internet Police agents saw how intimidating and mighty Emperor George and his followers were. They almost felt that Emperor George was unstoppable and any attempt to stop him was futile. Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa stood back up again and faced the crowd.
"We would like to say one last thing to our most noble Emperor," said JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 together.
Aware of the cameras recording them, JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 punched Emperor George in the face, knocking him onto the stage floor. Like lightning striking a house, the effect was immediate and devastating. The Patrician crowd was stunned as they saw their Emperor was physically assaulted by two sinful mortals. To their utmost horror, they saw that their Plebeian prisoners, now realizing that Emperor George was just a normal man, were abandoning their construction of the temple and were charging at them. Though they had guns, the Patricians were mentally paralyzed by the collapse of their Emperor. As an epic clash between the demoralized Patricians and the determined Plebeians took place, JoeyGraceffa and Strawburry17 were busy fighting Frank and Roxy on stage.
"Get to the two piles!" shouted JoeyGraceffa to the three Internet Police agents as he wrestled with Frank.
"We'll hold them off!" yelled Strawburry17 as she fought with Roxy.
The three Internet Police agents got off the stage and retrieved the two memory cards just in time before torches were accidentally knocked onto the piles, incinerating them quickly.
"Get out of here!" yelled the Plebeians to the three Internet Police agents as they held off the Patricians.
The three Internet Police agents ran through the desert before reaching a commercial truck that was full of hamburgers, hot dogs, and other Plebeian foods that were going to be burned at the Enlightenment meeting. With the three Internet Police agents squeezing into the cab section of the truck, the Nerd immediately drove the truck away from the now ruined Enlightenment meeting.
"What about Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa?!" shouted HurricaneAubrey.
"Let's hope they'll be fine," said the Critic. "Right now, we have to get to Oklahoma City and get the third memory card from Abed and his friends. If we can get our film edited and distributed to the entire world, then we can put a definitive end to all this conflict."
As morning arrived, the Critic was driving down the historic Route 66 as the Nerd and HurricaneAubrey were asleep. The Critic was changing the channel on the truck's radio. To his disappointment, every channel either touted a pro-Emperor George message, an ex-Patrician expressing their own interpretation of what constituted the good old days, or predictions of what the end of the ceasefire would mean. It was the predictions that most worried the Critic. He heard snippets of children being disowned for not following their families' nostalgic beliefs, more defenestrations of Plebeian objects and individuals from skyscrapers, the further segregation of American cities and towns along time period preference, the countless bloodshed that would resume, and the complete destruction of many American landmarks.
"Well that's fucking cheerful," said the Nerd who was getting up from his sleep.
"Don't worry about it," said HurricaneAubrey feigning cheerfulness as she also woke up. "We'll make it!"
"You're not saying that just to hide your nervousness and fear of the tumultuous journey ahead," stated the Critic.
"You got me there," said HurricaneAubrey whose face became crestfallen. "I know that Internet Police agents should always prepare for the unpredictable, but what's happening right now is beyond unprecedented."
"I never faced anything like this before," said the Nerd. "We're fugitives on the run from a mighty emperor."
"Welcome to the club," said the Critic. "You'll get used to it. I've been a fugitive on the run for quite a while so I know how to live off the grid. Right now, let's just get to Oklahoma City and get that third memory card."
The Nerd and HurricaneAubrey knew that they needed to stay positive to complete their mission of achieving peace in America. However, they saw a daunting journey ahead of them that was filled with the possibilities of being bounty hunted by the persistent Frank and Roxy, hindered by the fighting between Emperor George and the ex-Patricians, and succumbing to starvation and dehydration.
"Remember that we're not alone in this struggle. Strawburry17 and JoeyGraceffa helped us escape, and their physical assault on Emperor George probably showed millions of people of how weak and vulnerable he really is, which should give us more support for our cause. Even before that incident, we have many people helping us as shown by our online interactions. And if I'm not mistaken, we're still alive and we still have more time to perfect the movie that will end this entire schism in America. Isn't that something to be thankful for?" said the Critic.
The Nerd and HurricaneAubrey looked at their arms and legs. They were still intact and fit for use against Emperor George and the ex-Patricians.
"We're a Band of Misfits, and we will continue to fight until we're dead," said the Critic passionately.
"I agree," said HurricaneAubrey. "Let me see if there's anything good on the radio."
HurricaneAubrey adjusted the truck's radio, and to her delight, she stumbled upon the lone channel that was currently playing songs from Lindsey Stirling and the Piano Guys. The Nerd and Critic anticipated being bombarded by more narrow-minded propaganda about how modern culture was destroying America and how the previous generations were better. What followed was a pleasant surprise. They heard a series of symphonies being played by Lindsey Stirling and the Piano Guys, and they were comforted by their playing of classical music with the addition of their own modern elements. There was something about their coalescing of classical and modern music that produced a positive feeling within them. The three Internet Police agents smiled as they listened to these musicians' unique interpretation of classical works. They were all thankful for the lone channel that was playing their music. The Band of Misfits intends on continuing to listen to it as they drove their commercial truck through the New Mexican desert towards an uncertain future.
Please review this story to provide me some advice on improving it.