Fuckin' horny-ass teenagers, I tell you.
The first time you get a finger up inside you, you nearly kill yourself from clocking your head back against the bathroom sink when you jerk back in shock.
You use the hand that isn't wedged into your crotch to rub the back of your poor, abused head. You weren't expecting your finger to just go in like that. There was some resistance, and then schulrp, your finger is in past the second knuckle.
At first, you keep your hand completely still, legs trembling where you sit on the bathroom floor. You stare blankly at the wall, breathing shallow before crooking your finger.
Really, other than the constant buzzing of adrenalin under your skin, it's not very exciting. If you're going to be completely honest, it's pretty gross, like picking your nose or something. You look up at the ceiling as you move your finger around, try to pretend you don't have your hand all up in your crotch, think only objectively about what you're feeling against your finger.
It's weird that you can feel your pelvic bone against your finger, you don't know why you weren't expecting that. And you're stupidly surprised that it doesn't feel immediately good, or even sexual. Like you were stupid enough to believe a porn star who starts orgasming the second something goes in.
But like always, you just end up feeling stupid after a few moments and slide your finger back out, grimacing at the slimy stuff on it.
You wash your hands, feeling ridiculous, but at least maybe not quite so scared.
Kankri gets engaged.
He's home for winter break when he proudly shows off the diamond ring he bought for Meulin. It's not the biggest diamond ever, but honestly you're surprised he got the money for it in the first place. And it's pretty enough.
You're not terribly surprised by the news - the two have been dating forever, but it still feels kind of surreal, watching your dad give Kankri a huge hug, and then even picking up Meulin, twirling her around to welcome her to the family.
You've got this big smile on your face that you can't force away, because you love your family, you love your family so much.
Your smile gets even bigger when Kankri asks you to be his best man.
Your fingers are in Dave's hair, mouth desperate against his, and you don't even care that some of his spit is trailing down your cheek, because, fuck, fuck, you just need more of him.
His hands are holding your hips down underneath him, pushing you back into the couch (out in the living room, what if Bro comes back? Fuck, you don't care.), and this time you're the one who gets a leg up between his thighs, and he's grinding against it, and your own crotch is safe from temptation, despite how much it throbs, throbs, and fuck you want something there, but you're too scared, so instead you focus on the noise coming from Dave's mouth.
And then Dave is seizing up against you, ridged, a strangled groan coming from between his clenched teeth.
Your eyes snap open, and catch a split second of his expression before he basically flops down on you. Confusion making your mind blank for a short moment until he lifts his head up to look you in the eyes, face beet red. You snort, trying to hold in your laughter, but fuck, you burst out laughing anyway and push him off of you.
"Oh, fuck you," he says, breathless, but he's laughing, too.
You're still snickering as he awkwardly makes his way to his bedroom to get a new pair of underwear, and you're reveling in your power trip because, hell yeah, you just made your boyfriend come in his pants.
You very pointedly do not think about how wet your own underwear is.
It's sometime during Spring Break that you get your hand down his pants for the first time.
He just sort of freezes under you and stares down at the hand on his crotch like he can't quite wrap his head around the fact that it's there.
You take in a shaky breath, wipe your tongue across your lower lip and wrap your hand around his half hard dick. You've gotten his jeans unbuttoned, but you still had to stick your hand under his underwear. Part of you wants to just yank them down so you can see what you're doing. See what your own dick should be doing if you had one.
You both look up at the same time to make eye contact, and you're surprised by how…not scared, but definitely nervous, Dave looks.
You hesitate, open your mouth to ask if it's okay, but Dave pulls you down to press his mouth to yours. You smile against his lips and let your hand explore his junk, half enjoying the way his breath hitches, half trying to picture it, learn it, so you can know what you're missing.
He pulls away from the kiss when he starts to get close, pushing his head back against the carpet and you bury your face in the crook between his neck and shoulder. Drink in the euphoria you get as he arches his back, pushing up into you as he comes.
You kiss him all over his face as his comes down from his orgasm, and you let yourself just lay on top of him or a while, enjoy how close you feel to him.
You don't let him return the favor.
By the time summer comes around, you've jerked Dave off a few times. Once in plain sight to, so you could see what you were doing. Which was pretty fucking great, actually.
You still haven't let Dave touch you.
At first, he was pretty chill about it. Confused maybe, but he let it go. But as time goes by, the more and more frustrated he gets every time you pull away, every time you push his hands away from your chest, your crotch, even your hips.
You want to let him touch you. You want to, but every time he does, it's like you get pushed out of your own body, and where he's touching you is alien and terrifying, so you push him away all together.
You want to tell him, but you can barely even put it into words for yourself. And his frustration, well, you're frustrated, too. He can deal.
It's when you start to see the hurt in his eyes every time you push him away that you start to break.
But you just don't know what to say.