Tissue warning...The song is Flyleaf- All Around Me...I strongly recommend listening to it as you read the update.
Derek is dead. Derek's plane has crashed and he is dead. Her Derek. Dead. Derek Michael Shepherd. Neurosurgeon. Expecting father. Love of her life. Dead. She can't. She can't breathe. She can't breathe. The charts that were in her hands go crashing to the floor.
Meredith: No…No….NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Her voice grows louder with each repetition as her body begins to grow limp. She can't. She can't. She can't live without him. She doesn't notices the sympathetic looks of her coworkers, or the curious glances of patients. She doesn't see them. All that she sees is him. She sees him and he is fading. He is fading and he is leaving her. He can't. He can't leave her. He can't. He can't be dead. He can't. She needs him. She loves him. Oh God, she can't breath. She needs him. She stretches out her arms as she reaches for him. As she reaches for anything. Something.
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
She can almost feel him. Almost. But she can't. She can't. She grasps at the air as her body begins to collapse, her legs unable to support her weight any longer as her world has come crashing down around her. Her world is crashing down and she can't. She can't stand anymore. She can't breathe anymore. She can't. She has lost her oxygen. She has lost her oxygen and she doesn't want to breathe anymore. She doesn't want to. She can't. Oh God. Gone. He is gone. She can't. He can't be. He can't. She hasn't seen him in a week and a half. Oh God. He died thinking that she hates him. Oh God. Oh God. No. NO. NO. He can't be. He can't be dead. He can't. No. No. She will die. She will die without him. She can't. She doesn't want to. No. No NO.
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you
A sob tears through her soul as a strong pair of arms stop her from hitting the surface of the hard floor. She screams in pain as she feels her heart being torn out of her chest. Pain. Hurt. She can't. She needs him. Derek. Derek. His eyes. His smile. His voice. Oh God. She will never seen them again. She will never hear them again. He will never hold her again. Oh God. He will never feel her stomach. He won't be there to hold her hand. He won't be there for hold as she falls asleep. She will never get to tell him that she loves him. Oh God. She loves him. She loves him and now he will never know. Oh God. She can't. Why? Why? Oh God, WHY?
I'm alive, I'm alive
She wants to die. She wants to be the one that is dead. Her. Not him. Not Derek. Not her Derek. No. He can't be. No. She can't breathe. Her chest hurts. Her heart hurts. Her soul hurts. She hurts. She hurts. She physically hurts. She can't breathe. She can't. No. No. No. No. Oh God. No. Derek can't be dead. He can't. If he is dead, she will die. She can't. She will never hear his laugh again. She…no…she…oh…no…no…she can't.
Sobs wrack her body as she is carried into an exam room. She doesn't hear the orders for oxygen. She doesn't hear anything. She doesn't hear anything but the repetitive sound of Derek's voice.
I love you.
He loves her. He loved her. He loved her. He loved her and he is dead. No. He can't He can't leave her. No. He can't. Why does everyone leave her? He can't. He can't. She loves him. He loves...loved...her and he can't.
I love you.
His voice. She can hear him. She can hear him but she can't. She can't hear him but she can. He isn't there. He is dead. He will never be there again. He will never say those words to her again. She will never hear him say those words again. Oh God. She can't. No. She loves him. She loves him. He can't be dead. He can't leave her. He can't leave her. No. He can't.
I love you.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
She runs her nails along the skin of her inner arm, wanting to free her body from its confines. She needs to be with him. She needs to get out. She needs to be with him. She needs to be with him. If he is dead then she needs to be dead. Her body. Her body is keeping her here. Her body is keeping her here and she needs to be with Derek. She needs him. She loves him. Oh God does she love him. No. He can't be. She needs to feel his arms around her. She needs to feel his breath on her skin. She needs to feel him. She needs to hear him. She needs to touch him. She needs him. Oh God.
Her breathing is still labored as she continues to scrape her nails over her skin. She ignore the voices pleading with her. They don't exist. They don't matter. The only person that matters, that has ever mattered, is gone. He is gone. He is gone and she doesn't want to live anymore. So, she ignore them as she continues to attempt to break free from her bodily prison. She needs to break free and join Derek. She needs to be with Derek. She needs him. She needs to be with him. It doesn't matter where he is. If he is dead, then she will die to join him. She needs him.
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
I love you.
He loves her. He wouldn't leave her. He wouldn't. He wouldn't. He can't. She can't. She can't and he can't. So no. No. He's not dead. No. Oh God. He promised. He promised and he can't. He can't leave her. She can't live without him. She can't. No. Why? Oh God, why? He is her Derek. He is her Derek and she is his Meredith. Who is she without him? No one. She is no one. She doesn't want to be anyone without him. She needs him. Oh God. No. No. No.
She pounds her fists on the bed as her breathing is becoming even more labored. She doesn't notice the throngs of people in the room, all of them putting their own grief and their own anger aside for her. They know that she is the one hurting the most. They know. They know but they can't help. Only he can help. Only he can help and he is dead. He is dead. He is dead. Oh God. He is dead. No.
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I love you.
She needs to be with him. He is alone. He is alone and she needs to be with him. She needs to be with him. She needs to tell him that she loves him. She needs to be with him. She can't be without him. She doesn't want to.
She digs her nails even deeper into her skin, trying even harder to break free and return to her love. Her love who is all alone. Her love who is without her. Her love who is dead. The love of her life is dead and she is all alone. He is dead and she is alive.
I'm alive, I'm alive
She struggles against the hands that are trying to keep her grounded. They are trying to keep her grounded and away from him. They are trying to keep her away from Derek. Her Derek. She fights against them. She fights against her life. She wants to die. She wants to be with Derek. She can't live without him. She needs to be with him. She needs to feel him. She hurts. She hurts without him. She needs him to heal her. She needs him. She can't. She can't breathe. She can't breathe without him.
She needs him. She needs him and all that she has are his words. His words that keep playing over and over in her head. But they aren't enough. She needs him. She needs to see him. She needs to feel him.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
Oh God. Oh God. Derek. Derek. No. No. He can't. Derek. No. Please. Please come back. Derek, please come back. No. He can't. No. Derek. Please. No. No. I need you. I need you, Derek. I love you. I can't live without you. No. Derek. No. Derek. Please. Please don't leave me. Please. No. I'm sorry. Please. Please come back. I need you. I love you. Please. I don't. I can't. I can't live without you. Please. No. You can't. You can't die on me. Please. Derek. I can't. You….you…promised. You promised. You promised, damn it. You promised. You promised and I need you. I need you, Derek. I need you and I want you and I love you. Please come back. Please come back and love me. Please come back and hold me. Please come back and be with me. I need you. Please. Oh God. Derek. No. You can't. I. No. You. No.
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you
I love you.
No. No you don't. If you loved me. If you loved me you wouldn't have left me. You wouldn't have left me alone. You would have taken me with you. Please. Please, Derek. Please come back and get me. Please. I can't. Please Derek. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me here all alone. I need you. I need you Derek. Please. Please. I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive without you.
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I can't breathe, Derek. I can't breathe without you. I have been stupid. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I wasted time. I need you. I love you. I can't live without you. Please. Please come back to me. Please. You don't feel dead. You don't feel gone. Please. Please come back. I will love you. I won't hurt you again. I promise. Just please come back to me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. You don't feel dead. You don't. I can still hear you. Please, Derek. Please.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
We haven't had enough time. We need more time. I need more time. It's not enough. I need more. I need you. I can't, Derek. I can't do this alone. I love you. I need you. I can't. Please come back. We need more time. We were supposed to have forever. We were supposed to have forever together. I can't live forever without you. I can't live a moment without you. I need you. Please Derek. Please. Please come back for me. Please. If you can't come back, I will come to you. I will find you. I need you. I love you. I don't hate you. I love you. Please. I love you. Take me with you. Please.
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
Meredith's hysterics leave her blind to her surroundings as the loss of Derek completely overwhelms her senses. She needs him. She feels numb without him. He was her life force. He is what made her alive and she can't live without him. She is blind to the oxygen mask that is on her face. She is blind to the fetal monitors that have been placed around her abdomen. She is blind to the IV that has just been inserted into her arm with sedatives. They are having to sedate her for both her health and the health of the twins.
But Meredith doesn't notice. She doesn't notice that her fellow former interns are all gathered outside of her door, tears streaming down their faces as they watch her fall as the ground beneath her feet has been ripped away. But she doesn't notice. She doesn't see. She doesn't see the Chief or Addison hovering around her, monitoring her through their own grief. She doesn't see this. She doesn't hear the sound of the beeping monitors. All that she hears is Derek's voice. Derek perfect voice saying those three perfect words over and over again.
I love you.
He keeps saying those perfect words that she will never hear again. He keeps saying those words but he no longer has a voice. His voice is gone. His voice is gone with the rest of him. He is gone. He is gone and Meredith is slowly dying. She is slowly dying. She is slowly dying as Derek's death begins to take hold deeper and deeper in her being. As Derek's death takes hold deeper and deeper in her being she begins to slip away. She needs him. She needs him more than anyone knows. She needs him more than anyone understands. And she really can't live without him. She sees that now. She sees how much she needs him. She sees how much she loves him. She sees how much she wants him. But it's too late. Derek is gone and Meredith is all alone. Derek is gone and Meredith is no longer Meredith. Derek is gone and Meredith is now dying.
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed
Everyone is so wrapped up in Meredith and their own grief that no one notices the familiar dark-headed figure walk through the front doors of the hospital with several females following behind him.
Okay...so...this is Meredith's low point...like Derek's low point earlier...he kept repeating her words of I hate you..and she can't stop about him saying I love you...I hope you guys liked the update...Let me know what you think...the next one? Yeah...it's pretty intense as well...but you will see...
-marci