I'm going to Australia those words kept repeating themselves over and over in Meredith's mind as she sat on a chair in the kitchen feeling like she was trapped in space. Meredith finally looked at the man she loved with all her heart and whispered, "Derek."
Derek bent down and took Meredith's hand in his own, "Meredith let me explain."
"Derek what did you just say?"
"I..." Derek said softly as the rest of his sentence got stuck in his throat.
"Derek" Meredith croaked, "please tell me you didn't just say you're going to Australia."
"Meredith" Derek whispered, Meredith just looked at Derek and it finally dawned Derek was leaving her, Derek was no longer going to be part of her life. Meredith's eyes filled with tears as her heart began to break, "Derek."
"Listen" Derek said as he covered Meredith's knuckles with the palm of his hand.
"Derek you can't."
"It's..." Derek started.
Meredith pulled her hand away from Derek's hand as she got up from the chair and walked out into the back yard she could hear Derek calling after her and Lucky barking at her from his kennel she didn't stop for a moment. When she reached the gate to the yard she pulled it open and walked down the street until she heard the sudden thundering of footsteps and she stopped as she felt two strong arms around her shoulders. Meredith turned around and looked into her lover's eyes before she hugged him tightly for all she was worth. Derek looked at the shiny rivers on Meredith's cheeks and fighting back the urge to cry himself he instead kissed her forehead trying to get her to listen to him, "Meredith we need to talk." Meredith wiped her eyes with her hands to compose herself as Derek gently rubbed her arm with his warm hand until Meredith finally looked at him, "I need to tell you something."
Meredith walked by Derek's side back to the house feeling a million thoughts swimming around in her head, she stepped inside the place that she felt was her home and went to sit on the living room couch. Derek knelt in front of her and Meredith staring straight ahead gave Derek a nod letting him know that she was ready to listen to him.
"The reason i'm going is… because when Addison passed on" Derek closed his eyes feeling painful memories blooming in his mind, "I realised that I wasn't making enough money to give my children the life I wanted to give them. I wanted to give them everything, show them that if you work hard enough you can have anything you want. So I put everything I had into becoming the head of a department and I thought I could give them the best by doing that but then I got to the top and I wasn't making enough money to give them the life that they deserved."
Meredith nodded softly as Derek continued, "so I searched for positions elsewhere and I found in New York there are jobs in neurosurgery that offer a higher salary than the one I am making now so I applied for them all. Every response I got from them was the same they were looking for someone with the right experience, the right training they needed someone who was world-class not just in performance but with experience. That's why a year ago I put in an application to transfer to Australia to get medical experience there, and today at work I got a message telling me that my application had been successful, someone was leaving and they are offering me a fantastic job working in Perth."
Meredith nodded slowly taking everything in before she finally said, "how long will you be away for?"
"A year maybe two" Derek said, "and then I would come back and we would all go to New York and have a larger house and I could get you any car you wanted and..."
Meredith drew in breath, "when are you leaving?"
"In a week."
A week Meredith thought, "and you have thought this through?"
"I have thought it through many times."
Meredith couldn't look at Derek a second longer she turned her head to look at the rain that was starting to fall outside, "and you still want to go?"
"It's for my children" Derek said, he felt dread that Meredith wasn't seeing things like he was seeing them. "It's for us, the four of us we can have a life together that's filled with pleasure, glamour and excitement isn't that what you want?"
"I do want all of that" Meredith whispered, "but I don't want money Derek you don't need money to have a life full of happiness, all I want is to be with you and your children."
"Meredith" Derek whispered.
"I need some time alone to think."
"Meredith" Derek said softly as Meredith got up from the couch.
"Just leave me alone" Meredith said with a voice full of tears as she grabbed a coat off the hall stand and stormed out the front door.
Meanwhile
Izzie was lying in her pyjamas on a couch in her apartment with Alex's arms around her as they watched a movie on their television when Alex started to grumble for the fourth time. Izzie smirked up at him as Alex slumped his head against a pillow, "babe I know you like this shit but how can I say it."
"You're a dude" Izzie said simply, "and chick flicks like Pride and Prejudice aren't your cup of tea."
"It just doesn't have action" Alex muttered, "action is what makes the difference between this and classics like Die Hard."
"Okay" Izzie said as she picked up the remote and switched the television off, "I think we should do something that both of us can enjoy."
"I knew I made the right choice asking you out" Alex said grinning with Izzie as she climbed into his lap and started to kiss him Alex's fingers went to Izzie's pyjama buttons then the doorbell rang and for the fifth time that night he grumbled, "who the heck is that?"
"I don't know babe."
"Well let's be silent and maybe they'll leave."
"The lights are on" Izzie giggled as Alex tried to kiss her neck, "and they can hear us."
"Okay okay" Alex flopped back, "the things I put up with around here."
Izzie kissed him, "this will be quick" she wandered to the front door and opened it up to find a nearly lifeless Meredith standing slumped in the doorway, "Meredith?" Meredith looked up at Izzie with an open mouth then she started to cry. "Meredith" Izzie whispered as she quickly dashed forward and hugged Meredith close.
Izzie sat at her kitchen table listening attentively as Meredith told her everything. Izzie's body went stiff as she gazed at her friend with an open mouth, "OMG" she finally whispered.
Meredith wiped her eyes with a handkerchief in her coat pocket, "I just can't believe it."
"He's going to leave you and his own kids to go to Australia."
Meredith closed her eyes as she tried hard not to cry again, "he says he's doing it for all of us."
Izzie scowled, "how does that work, don't you need to be with your family to do things for them."
"He wants a better job in New York that will pay him more money and will allow him to give a better life for the kids. That's stage two of his plan."
"Is he nuts?"
Meredith chuckled before she coughed and dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief, "Izzie i'm sorry I shouldn't have come here to disturb you and Alex."
"Meredith" Izzie said in a calmer voice as she took her friend's hands in her own, "for the love of pete don't worry about me, i'm glad you came straight to me."
Meredith sniffed, "I just don't know what to do."
"Tell him to wake up and stay here with you."
Meredith sighed and nodded Izzie had a gift for telling people the right thing to do, then she started to think of how Cecilia and Josh would react when they learn their daddy was going away for a long time and her insides ached, "this is going to break the children's hearts."
"Okay Meredith" Izzie whispered, "I strongly recommend you stay here tonight."
"Izzie the children they'll be wondering where I am and I need to talk to them before their stupid father does."
"Meredith" Izzie said with a caring smile, "I know you love them to death but Derek is the parent he needs to tell them what is going on. If your their telling the story it will just end up being Meredith and the kids giving Derek a verbal earful and as much as he deserves it for being a prize idiot your trying to convince him to stay in Seattle where he and you rightfully belong together."
Meredith thought long and hard about Izzie's words and nodded as she realised her friend was right, "okay i'll stay...thank you Izzie."
Izzie gave Meredith a long gentile hug, "i'll grab a quilt and tomorrow Alex and me are making breakfast and it's going to be anything you want."
"Thank you Izzie" Meredith said again before she gave Izzie a wide smile, "you're a true friend."
"I know I am" Izzie muttered with a sheepish grin, "and I like it."
Cecilia woke up the next morning and with a wide smile she ran into the big bedroom and jumped on the part of the bed where Meredith usually slept, "morning Meredith, Meredith?"
Derek rolled over on his side and looked at his daughter pulling away the quilt on the bed, "Meredith isn't here Cecilia" Derek said.
Cecilia climbed across the bed to sit on her daddy's stomach, "is she at work?"
"No kiddo" Derek said softly, "she's not at work."
"Daddy" Cecilia muttered as she crawled forward to look into her daddy's eyes, "where is Meredith?"
"Can you get your brother for me Cecilia?"
Cecilia looked at Derek's serious expression and she quickly jumped off the bed, "okay."
Derek got out of bed and put his face in his hands all he could think about was how heartbroken Meredith was when he told her he was leaving the country, "what am I going to say to my children" he whispered. The sound of little feet reached his ears and he looked up at his two kids smiling at him as they approached the bed. Derek took a deep breath, "okay you two we need to talk."
Josh and Cecilia climbed on to the bed and Derek sat cross legged as he prepared himself, "okay we're… I mean you two are going to live somewhere else."
"We are" Josh said with wonder.
"We're moving house" Cecilia whispered.
"You're going to live with your grandmother."
"We're living with grandma" Josh said with a big smile.
"Grandma Josh we're going to live with grandma" Cecilia said as she started to jump on the bed with excitement, "we're going to eat grandma's cookies every day."
Josh joined in with his sister, "and see the big dinosaurs at the dinosaur place."
"In New York City" Cecilia said as she flopped on the bed with a big grin.
"When are we going daddy?" Josh said.
"You're both going in a week" Derek said.
"A week?" Cecilia muttered before she groaned.
"Not tomorrow" Josh whispered.
"No mate" Derek said, "in a week."
"Love you daddy" Cecilia said as she and Josh jumped off the bed and ran for the door before they stopped, "daddy?"
"Yes" Derek whispered.
"What about Meredith?" the girl said.
"Meredith…"
"Is Meredith coming to" Josh whispered.
"No buddy she's not."
The happiness on Cecilia's face disappeared, "why not?" she whispered.
"Because Meredith lives here" Derek said, "and she is going to stay here."
"No more Meredith" Josh said softly.
"She'll still be here and you can still come and visit her."
Cecilia shook her head, "daddy I don't want to go to grandma's place."
"Me neither" Josh croaked as his eyes filled with tears.
"Kids" Derek said, "Meredith can't look after you two."
"Yes she can" Cecilia sniffed as her face cracked, "she does it all the time."
"No I do that" Derek felt sick with himself, "Meredith can't take care of you two she's hurt and she's sick, sometimes she can barely walk she can't look after you."
"Daddy" Josh whispered, "please don't take Meredith away."
"Meredith is not going away she'll be here…but I won't be."
Cecilia walked back to the bed before she put her small hands on her daddy's knees, "where are you going?"
"Cecilia, Josh what i'm trying to say is daddy is going away for a while."
"To where?" Cecilia said softly.
"To Australia" Derek said.
"Where is that" Josh whispered.
"It's on the other side of the world."
The little boy stood by his sister, "are you going on a vacation with Meredith again?"
"No Josh i'm going to work there."
"For a few days?"
"For a long time Josh."
Cecilia started to weep, "we're not going with you?"
It took all of Derek's willpower not to break down on the spot, "no Cecilia i'm going to work there for a while and you're going to live with grandma."
Cecilia shook her head, "no."
"Cecilia i'm doing this to get more money."
"Why" Josh said softly.
"So I can give you two a better life."
The children shook their heads and hugged Derek's legs. Derek's hands gently rubbed their little heads, "look at it like this if daddy gets this job daddy gets money for us and that way we can all live closer to grandma in a few years and buy all the nice things you want. You want a pony don't you Cecilia I can get you the most wonderful pony once I come back and Josh I can get you all the toys you want."
"No" Cecilia whispered, "no pony no toys."
"Don't go" Josh whispered as he hugged Derek tighter.
"Kids i'm going it's only going to be for a few years I know it sounds like a long time but i'll come back and then you'll stay with me again."
Josh looked up at Derek, "you don't want to be daddy anymore."
Derek's felt a strong piercing in his heart that he never experienced he tried to steady his emotions tried to stay strong, "that's not true mate."
"I'm bad" Josh whispered as he softly cried.
Cecilia looked at the floor, "i'm bad to."
"Stop talking like that" Derek said.
"Daddy doesn't love us" Cecilia whispered, "because we're bad."
"Don't say that" Derek said in a raised voice, "I do love you more than anything don't you see that's why i'm doing this."
Josh jumped on Derek's lap and touched his face, "you're not daddy."
"Josh of course i'm your daddy."
"I want our real daddy" Josh said softly, "not the alien daddy."
Cecilia looked at Derek with wide sad eyes, "our real daddy said he would always be here."
"Kids don't think like this I want you two to have a wonderful life."
"I want daddy back" Cecilia whispered she looked at Josh and ran with her brother out of Derek's bedroom into their own bedroom room. Derek looked at his hands as his head filled with all the memories he had gathered over the years of him raising his children, am I really doing this for the children or for me?
Derek was sitting on his couch watching the news when the front door opened he looked up as Meredith walked in with a stern face, "hey" Derek turned off the television.
"Hey" Meredith muttered bluntly.
"The kids are upset."
Meredith nodded, "what did you expect?"
"They don't understand" Derek said softly.
"Your right they don't understand" Meredith said as she coldly stared at Derek, "and I don't either because what your doing is...i'm trying to think of a better word than stupid."
Derek sighed as he got up, "it's what best for my family."
"It's what best for you" Meredith muttered.
"Meredith this is not about me."
"You're doing this to get a job you want, to get the life you want."
"No Meredith the kids."
"The kids don't care Derek" Meredith yelled, "they don't want to grow up spoiled, they don't want to wear fancy clothes or be swimming in gold coins they don't want that."
"They will, all kids want that you'll see they'll grow up happy and having everything."
Meredith shook her head with a combination of anger and wonder, "Derek it amazes me that after raising the both of them by yourself for years you still don't have a clue how to look after them."
Derek angrily narrowed his eyes, "that's not true."
"They want you here to look after them and love them they don't want you to hop a kangaroo in the middle of nowhere so you can get a fancier job, your job is fancy enough Derek."
"You just don't get it."
"I do get it you're an idiot."
"Just.." Derek started as he tried to find the right words.
"No I will not just Derek i'm going to bed before I say something to you that I will regret." Meredith started to walk up the stairs and stopped as she turned around, "and Derek if you think for one second you're going to send your kids away to New York and away from me and expect me to say yeah that's okay with me you are mistaken."
"What are you saying?"
"If I have to go to court to get the children to live here I will do it. If I have to move to New York and live in Carolyn's backyard with our dog to take care of your children I will do it."
"Meredith you can't take care of yourself let alone the kids and that dog has driven us all mad with its barking since we got him."
"The children love that dog so I don't care, and of course I can take care of the children with or without my sore leg."
Meredith stormed up the stairs feeling a burning fire inside her then she heard the sound of sniffing and her fire was quickly washed away by a flood of heartache. Meredith looked through the gap of the children's bedroom door and saw Cecilia and Josh huddled together on a bed Meredith gently knocked on the door and Josh looking up with a start quickly ran into Meredith's arms, "Meredith.".
Meredith hugged the little boy close and kissed his cheek several times, "your daddy told you what is going on."
Cecilia nodded on the bed as she softly cried, "he's going away."
"I know baby" Meredith whispered as she sat on the bed with Josh in her lap she gently reached out a soft hand and stroked Cecilia's cheek, "he's going to Australia."
Josh sniffed as he too cried little tears, "he doesn't love us anymore."
"No no no" Meredith said softly, "hey... Josh your daddy loves you very much sweetheart he loves both of you."
Cecilia joined her brother in Meredith's embrace, "he's going away because he wants money."
"He's going away because he wants you two to live a better life and he's doing that because he loves you."
"But we already live nice" Josh whispered.
"We watch lots of tv" Cecilia said, "that's nice enough."
"And daddy is always here" Josh added.
Meredith kissed the children's foreheads, "well that's true you both live a wonderful life but daddy doesn't believe that, and that is why he is going."
"I don't want daddy to go" Cecilia said softly.
"Me neither" Josh whispered. Meredith nodded softly, "I don't want your daddy to leave either."
"I don't want money" Cecilia whispered, "I just want daddy." Meredith kissed her little cheek she wished she could think of something to say that would make the children happy again. She wished she was a fairy godmother who had the power to wave a wand to make the children happy.
"Can we stop daddy from going away" Josh whispered. Cecilia's eyes grew wide, "we can stop daddy from leaving."
"We can try honey" Meredith whispered, "we can only try, but if we can't just remember daddy is coming back he won't be away forever."
"Not forever."
"And when we miss him we just have to look for him right here" Meredith put her hand on Cecilia's chest, "in my stomach" Cecilia muttered.
Meredith couldn't help it she giggled "no sweetheart in your heart in all of our hearts."
Cecilia nodded with a small smile then her eyes widened with tears again, "daddy told us we would live with grandma."
Meredith nodded softly, "yes he did."
Josh hugged Meredith's neck tightly, "we wouldn't see you ever again."
"Ceci Josh" Meredith whispered, "I am not going anywhere and you two are going to live with me. I am going to take very good care of both of you."
"But you're sick" Josh said.
Cecilia sadly nodded, "and we make trouble."
"Honey you don't make any trouble neither do you Josh, and even if you did I wouldn't care. I would find a way to take care of you two."
Josh kissed Meredith's cheek, "we can take care of Meredith."
"We know how to do it now" Cecilia said with a smile, "eat good food and not cold beans."
"That's right sweetheart."
Cecilia looked deep into Meredith's eyes, "promise you won't go away to."
"I promise you" Meredith whispered as she hugged the children close.
Derek woke up the next morning in his hands and he sighed as he felt his hands and arms covered in sticky tape, he pulled his arms bringing the tape with him and sat up out of bed as he rubbed his face with his hands. The sound of little gasps reached his ears and he looked at Josh and Cecilia peeking round the door.
"Josh" Derek said, "did you and Cecilia put sticky tape on me."
"It didn't work" Cecilia whispered.
"What didn't work?" Derek said.
"It didn't keep you from going" Josh said softly.
"Kids" Derek said, "I am not leaving today."
"You're still going away" Cecilia whispered.
"I wish I could make you understand" Derek said. The kids looked at their daddy before they ran into their bedroom and Derek turned his head to look at Meredith, "I wish you could understand" she whispered.
"Meredith..." Derek began.
"Just go to work Derek" Meredith said with a cold stare, "it's all that matters to you."
Several days later
Derek put on his best suit for his last day working at Seattle Hospital. He wandered downstairs and stared at a mountain of cardboard boxes blocking the door he closed his eyes before he opened the door scattering the boxes. Derek looked at the boxes and thought about his children with a heavy heart before he walked outside.
Derek's last day at work went by quickly Derek was thrown a party to say goodbye but no one wished him well. Derek hadn't been surprised the only people who liked him were Meredith's friends and they all were against him for his decision to leave Meredith. Derek walked away from the most depressing party he had gone to and went in to his office to pack. He felt the door close he looked at Cristina standing there with a vacant expression on her features, "well I thought after that fun party you needed at least one person to wish you all the best."
"Thank you Cristina."
"And to say you should not be doing this."
Derek grumbled as he picked up his suitcase, "i'm going home Cristina I don't want to listen to this again."
"You don't have to do this Derek."
"Yes I do."
"No you don't" Cristina said firmly.
"Cristina don't waste your breath, thank you for being such a good friend and I hope you get a promotion out of this i'm giving the board the recommendation that you fill my shoes."
Cristina nodded knowing that Derek had made up his mind and she gave Derek a hug, "look after yourself okay."
"I will" Derek replied.
When work had ended Derek walked around Seattle by himself for hours before he finally drove home. Derek walked up to his bedroom and looked at Meredith lying on her side asleep he gently lied down on the other side and gasped as Meredith jumped up and pinned herself on top of him. Derek felt Meredith kissing him passionately as the woman ran her hands down his chest, "Meredith what are you doing?"
"You still want to go" Meredith breathed between her kissing.
"Meredith."
"I'm going to convince you to stay" Meredith whispered as she lifted part of Derek's shirt up and kissed his chest.
"Meredith we can't."
"Shut up and enjoy."
"Meredith we can't do this your leg is still healing."
"My lips are just fine" Meredith tried to pull down his shorts and Derek grabbed them with his hands, "Meredith stop"
Meredith just kissed Derek's abs and Derek finally got out of bed, "just get off me Meredith."
Meredith got out of bed and walked downstairs and Derek feeling the same dark feelings that had plagued him all week followed her down. He saw her bent over a sink crying softly and he wrapped his arms around her, "i'm so sorry Meredith I hate seeing you hurt and I hate myself for hurting you like this I wish I could make you understand how I feel."
Meredith held him tightly as Derek kissed her forehead, "it's just I can't get the promise I made to Addison just before she died out of my mind, I said to her i'll give our children the best life."
"I'm sorry" Meredith said, "i've been horrible to you all week and it's only because I don't want you to go."
"I'm not going away forever i'll come back to you Meredith."
"I know you will."
"Meredith i've talked with my mother if you think you can handle it my children will stay here with you."
Meredith gasped with a smile and she kissed him passionately.
The next morning
Meredith went to work before Derek got out of bed and when Derek finally woke he got down a suitcase from the cupboard before his two children came round the corner, "hey."
"Daddy you are not going away" Cecilia said with her arms crossed.
"Cecilia."
"We hid all your things" Josh said with a big smile, "so you can't go."
"Unless you want to go in the nuddy" Cecilia said.
"Kids I am leaving tomorrow and what I want to do is spend the day with you two doing whatever you want to do."
"Anything we want" Josh said.
"Anything."
"We can put you in jail" Cecilia whispered, "so you can't go."
Derek picked the children up, "I want you to know that I love you both to the moon and beyond and nothing will ever change that."
The day flew by quickly and Derek was sitting alone on the couch with his children sleeping beside him and Lucky sleeping by his feet when Meredith opened the front door and gently wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "Derek I think I am finally starting to understand how you feel."
Derek stared at her as Meredith continued, "I thought you were doing this for yourself but now I can see that you want to help your family. You want to secure their future you want to give them a new life. And yes the kids may not like their new life and they don't want you to leave any more then I don't want you to leave but you're doing this for your children. I know you don't want to leave either and your afraid about losing me but Derek I want you to know this. I don't care if I have to wait ten years, I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life waiting I will do it. I will love your children with all my heart and take care of them. I will record every special moment I have with them so I can share it with you when you finally return, and when you come back I will go with you to New York. If we do end up in a bigger nicer home with ponies and lots of space for Lucky to run around and bark his head off i'll accept it. Derek I love you, I will love you forever and I don't care about money, I don't care about a fancy lifestyle whether we have it or not all I want is your love and to be with you. I choose you Derek... I choose us."
Derek watched her walk away and he closed his eyes as his children cuddled closer to him. Lucky rested his head on his feet and Derek felt tears sliding down his cheeks.