chapter twenty-five: hallucinations
"Shadows cannot see themselves in the mirror of the sun."
- Eva Peron -
"Azula, you can't just sneak out like that." Ty Lee is waiting for her as she climbs through the window. Azula looks chalky and ill, and Ty Lee takes her by the arm and leads her to the bed. "Are you okay?"
After meeting with her father, she wandered in a stupor through the city. She probably drew attention to herself, and she threw up twice more. And now she shakes with the lack of any nourishment in her body, and the thoughts in her mind.
"You didn't tell the guards I was gone, did you?" Azula says breathlessly. She looks towards the door and Ty Lee shakes her head.
"Of course not. Our fight escalated quickly. We just had a lot of nerves. I was really worried." Ty Lee sits down next to Azula, taking her hand.
"You were right though," Azula says and Ty Lee is startled. It is not something that Azula would usually admit. "I'm not worthy of you."
"That's ridiculous," Ty Lee snaps, surprised at her own vehemence. But Azula simply shrugs, lying down on her back. She looks wounded and Ty Lee does not know what to do to help her. "You're slipping. It was just one fight. You're so melodramatic sometimes, princess."
Azula swallows. Ty Lee is right, but Azula will not admit that she is wrong. Maybe it is a terrible idea; her father's influence should have faded.
And in this dream, Azula becomes Fire Lord, Zuko dies, she gets the girl and...
"I'm sorry that I... Look, I'm just sorry in so many ways. I know that I'm terrible. Everybody thinks I'm a monster and they're right," Azula says, the invisible barrier over her rosy lips breaking. "Please don't... please don't leave me. Or maybe you should. Maybe you should."
"You're not perfect, princess."
Silence.
Ty Lee continues with, "Nobody is. It was a really silly argument. I was annoyed that you won't admit you're wrong and we get on each other's nerves sometimes. It just flew out of hand. Escalated. It was minute. Don't worry."
"Nobody's perfect," Azula murmurs, though Ty Lee's forgiveness feels halfhearted. "I told you that I would rather be a perfect monster than a flawed human. I don't think that anymore."
Ty Lee perks up, leaning towards Azula. She has never seen... such vulnerability. Even when Azula cried, she did not reveal so much of herself. Ty Lee touches her, wanting to make this moment tangible.
Some moments change everything. One split second and your life is never the same. This is one of those moments.
"I would love you if you were a perfect monster and I would love you if you were the most flawed human there was. I hope you know that."
"You're really not the brightest candle in the bunch, are you?" Azula whispers, smirking. Ty Lee laughs. "Of all of the people; I mean, people line up to get with you. And you want the crazy Fire Nation princess."
"You keep me on my toes." Kiss. Upside down kiss. Kiss on the navel.
"I'm not worthy."
Ty Lee silences her with another kiss. Azula swallows the lump in her throat as she caves into the sexual desire.
Not worthy.
Moments like these.
Monsters.
The fight remains in their bones, in their every movement. They sleep with their backs facing each other, as far apart as the Northern and Southern Water Tribes, even after the passionate sex and teasing words. Azula tries not to cry. She has only been married for two weeks and she has already ruined it permanently.
Broken. Shattered. Tormented hearts.
"You could never love, Azula."
"Why did you drop me?"
"Your one true love was always the throne of the Fire Nation."
"My mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course, but it still hurt."
Broken. Shattered. Tormented hearts.
Azula sits up, rubbing her temples. Ty Lee seems unfazed by the idea that some things could explode like that. It was the silliest argument and it was the one little piece that had to fall into Azula's puzzle. That quick fight based on foolish things was what Azula needed to prod her in the direction of her destiny.
Ty Lee sleeps peacefully, naked. Azula looks at the scar on her back and feels even sicker. She touches it hesitantly. Her thoughts flash to her father. To her mother. Child. Adult. Thirteen. Over and over. Memories play unwanted, undesired, behind jaded and icy golden eyes.
She watches Ty Lee sleep until the sun comes up.
Not worthy.
She has to find the resistance. Or do something. Perhaps it is better to work alone. She does not know anymore. She simply does not.
[X]
They are on their way to the Broiling Rock. It is inevitable that they must seize Zuko, and presumably publicly execute him. Ty Lee worries about Mai's feelings getting in the way, but she worries twice as much about her feelings for Azula clouding her judgment. Mai is already there, and Ty Lee has this sinking sensation that things are going downhill.
The wind billows around the warship. Azula is pacing, picking at her skin until it bleeds as she seems lost in her thoughts. Ty Lee is breathing shallowly.
"Can you tell me something?" Ty Lee asks abruptly and Azula shrugs. She is suddenly very in the moment. "Just answer yes or no."
"Okay." Azula crosses her arms. Finishing off Zuko and claiming the throne is much more important than this meaningless bullshit, but if she must.
"You love me. Yes or no."
Silence. "No."
Liar. Azula always lies. Liar.
[X]
"Azula," Ty Lee murmurs, wrapping her arms around her wife. One leg rests over Azula's lap. She has obscene flexibility. "You're really upset, aren't you? I said things I shouldn't have."
"I was always worse," Azula whispers. Ty Lee is genuinely worried, her heart in her throat. "Some people are just born monsters."
"You weren't," Ty Lee whispers, touching Azula's mouth. The princess sits there like a statue with a thousand yard stare. "What's happening to you? Ever since we got back you've been bristly."
My father touched me. My wife hates me. I scorn everybody who tries to be kind to me. Those people, those subjects of mine, threw rocks at me. My father owns me and my body. I'm never going to be able to love you like you love me.
"I'm fine."
"I heard the most common lie is, I'm fine," Ty Lee breathes to Azula. The third day after Ty Lee knocked on Azula's door and changed her life.
"Did you hear me say that?" Bitter.
"You're not fine," Ty Lee whispers, breaking free of Azula. She turns the princess to face her. "We love each other and that's all that matters. You've redeemed yourself."
"My uncle said that my redemption is on me, not on how other people view me," Azula says, remembering his words at the pier. "I don't know if... I'm..." Azula shakes her head.
"You're not perfect. But you're perfect for me," Ty Lee says and Azula wants to melt into her. But she resists.
"I'm just... I think I'm just tired." Azula sighs. And she still cannot tell the truth. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the one person who thinks I'm a decent human being."
"What happened to the spoiled princess who thinks she deserves the best of everything." Ty Lee pushes her playfully and she doesn't respond. This is incredibly worrying. Azula has never admitted to these faults without displaying them as objects of pride. Ty Lee feels completely and utterly helpless. And Azula is transforming into something she should not be.
"I'll be worthy of you. Somehow," Azula murmurs, kissing her.
"Answer something for me." Ty Lee says as Azula's shaking hands move to her shirt. Azula pulls back, sitting on her heels. She nods slowly, hesitantly, unlike herself. "Yes or no."
"Okay," Azula says, swallowing.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes." Honesty. "And I was lying every time I said I didn't."
But Ty Lee is still worried. Azula finally fell asleep, but she tosses and turns, sweating. Something happened beyond just their ridiculous, melodramatic silly little fight. She wonders if she has done something wrong. She watches Azula sleep for hours.
Azula turns a little more slowly, murmurs, "Ty Lee."
But she is still asleep. The moment is slightly unnerving.
Hours later, Azula wakes up from the same dream about dancing, thrones, fire and broken glass. Ty Lee is wide awake, staring at her. She feels slightly cold, thinking about what she could have done in her sleep.
"Why were you watching me?" Azula asks, slightly breathless. Ty Lee shrugs, but something about her grin is forced. "Did I... say anything?"
Ty Lee hesitates. To lie or not to lie? "You said my name."
"Oh," Azula murmurs, feeling relieved.
"And something about your father." Fuck. "That's where you sneak off to. To see him."
Azula pauses. "Would you like me to give you the world?"
"Don't try to change the subject." Ty Lee sounds severe and Azula's head swims with excuses. Any of them could work, but the real debate is whether she should use them or not. "Don't relapse on me, princess."
"I told you I was fine," Azula insists, though her voice cracks. Feeble. I can do better than that.
"Just don't... don't relapse. Don't."
As if her words could stop a hurricane. Azula loves her. And that is all she knows to be true.
And Azula will give her the world.
Literally.
[X]
"Have you thought about what I said?" Ozai asks and Azula hesitates. She has. Deeply, constantly, incessantly, his words floating around like butterflies in her brain. It makes so much sense to her, and she cannot help but be tempted. Some paths are easier to walk than others.
But what he did to her. That haunts her. Makes her queasy. Coming back here was more about masochism than usurping the throne.
"I have," Azula replies earnestly, leaning against the bars. "I think you're right."
"Of course I am," he says, sounding smug. She knows she is just giving him what he wants, but she also knows that she has something to gain.
"They'll try to stop me. There'll be more in my way than just Zuko," Azula says, drawing her knees to her chest. She sets her chin on them like she is a little girl. Maybe she still is.
But the advisors. They... if she were to find him. It could be possible.
"I think you're competent enough to accomplish it," Ozai says. Honesty. Hm.
He finds her so easy to manipulate. It is funny, how easy it is to make the puppet master dance like one of her thralls. Azula in power is the only positive thing he can imagine happening to the nation that betrayed him. And he has full faith that, with the right mindset, she could seize the throne. It is what she was born to do, as he told her many times when she was a little girl.
Ozai continues with, "No one will object once you are in the right position. Quick. Quiet. Take them out swiftly and those left over will kneel out of terror. Fear is the best way to control people. And, believe me, little princess, people fear you."
"After my downfall even?" Azula asks, desperate for the affirmation that only Ozai holds.
"You're terrifying," he says, fanning her flames. She straightens slightly, invigorated by his words.
"And then she and I can have everything. Rule the world together." Azula's eyes are glossy, glazed over by her glamorous dreams. Ozai finds it pitiful that she would conquer out of love, but it is a better motivation than nothing. "Then I'll be worthy of her."
"It should solve all of your problems," Ozai says, feeling that he sounds ridiculous, but Azula eats it up. She slowly stands up.
"Alright. I'll do it." She knows she is caving into the easy way out, but she has no choice. She will do it. The throne will be hers and she will get the girl and everything will be wonderful in the end. It is time for her happily ever after.
It is impulsive, and impulsive actions lead only to trouble. She knows that. But she wants it to work; she needs it to work. The only way she can truly be happy is if she does what she was born to accomplish. Happily ever after is all she wants anymore ─ and the throne has to be hers to do that.
"You'll never be happy without being Fire Lord," Ozai says and Azula nods.
I hate you, father. But... you've never misled me.
"I know, father," Azula replies, slowly standing up. She runs her finger along one of the bars as she stands up and he watches it with an unsettling lust.
And then she is gone.
[X]
"Where were you?" Ty Lee asks, her fingers brushing against Azula's lips. Azula has just arrived, climbing through the window. "Your guards have been outside of the door all night. If you were seen without them, they could take you away."
Azula breathes in deeply. It kills her to lie to Ty Lee, but it is for the best. They will have everything together; Azula will make sure of it. But the acrobat cannot know about the one person coup until the last minute. When the world lies, in rubble, at Azula's feet, then and only then can she truly have the love she deserves.
"I just needed to be alone. I'm so... caught up about our fight," Azula says, a half truth. A full truth, somewhat. It is the fight that drove her into the guiding arms of her father.
"People fight, Azula. People fight and they make up and that's just how it works," Ty Lee says, looking genuinely hurt. Azula feels an inexplicable tightness in her throat. It's for the best. It's for the best.
"I'm sorry," Azula lies, sitting down at the foot of the bed.
"It's okay. You don't need to apologize. Just don't run away like that again." I know your apologies are mostly lies. I know you feel nothing for what you did to me.
And they kiss.
[X]
Ty Lee kicks the wall of her prison cell. Again. Again. Again. It does not feel any better.
"Please stop," Mai says flatly for the thousandth time. Pause. Ty Lee kicks the wall again. "So, we lost. Big deal."
"You don't understand!" Ty Lee screams, spinning around. Her braid whips through the air, slapping the side of her face when she stops. "I... I can't believe she did that to us!"
"I can." Mai shrugs. She leans against the wall, sitting on the disgusting floor.
Silence. Ty Lee resumes her battery of the wall, this time adding punches. Mai sighs and closes her eyes. Then, suddenly, Mai jumps. Ty Lee assumes a fighting stance for no reason. They have gotten twitchy under the thumb of Azula.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Mai says, far too loudly for Ty Lee's liking. "You. Are. In. Love. With. Princess. Azula."
"No," Ty Lee says, but it is a feeble lie. Mai looks startled, then returns to expressionless. She closes her eyes again, as if nothing happened. "So what? So what if I'm in love with Princess Azula?"
Mai shrugs. "I don't think she'll be getting with you anytime soon. After, y'know, blocking her chi and stopping her from finally killing Zuko."
"Shut up, Mai!" Ty Lee screams and Mai flinches.
"Ease up. You're getting worked up over nothing," Mai says, taking this a little to calmly. Ty Lee clenches her fists.
"Over nothing? We just got locked in prison! Prison! For the rest of our lives!" Ty Lee exclaims. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. She smashes her hand into the wall so hard that she hears a popping sound and is greeted by pain. "And I'm never going to see her again!"
"She'll probably come torture us at some point." Mai shrugs. "You have that to look forward to."
Ty Lee shrinks, curled up into a ball on the floor.
"I knew when you were so upset after the Invasion it was because of her," Mai says and Ty Lee looks up. She looks completely shocked by the new information. "You guys were in love or something, weren't you?"
"We slept together, Mai," Ty Lee whispers, as if saying it quietly will make it not real. "Twice."
Mai can understand why Ty Lee is so upset. There were always boys in and out of her life, but she has been in love with Azula for a very long time. And if Azula reciprocated even physically, her talons would have run even deeper than they were in Mai. Waking her up from the drug of Princess Azula's command is most likely impossible if they fucked.
"We did the right thing. Even if it was the stupid thing," Mai says and Ty Lee swallows.
"I know that. But that doesn't mean I'm going to just forget that... we were supposed to have a happily ever after. In my head at least. And now it's never... I asked her if she loved me so many times and she always said no. And after we slept together she got angry and yelled at me. And it's stupid because she's so cruel and selfish but I'm in love with a monster and I don't care," Ty Lee says rapidly, the words slurring and stumbling. Mai purses her lips. "I just want to kiss her again."
Ew.
"After she attempted to murder me?" Mai sighs and Ty Lee shrugs. "I kind of always knew. So there were more kisses than just the Ember Island one?"
"Yeah. It was so complicated. But it... look, it's over now. It doesn't matter," Ty Lee says, shrugging halfheartedly.
"I'm sure she's more upset than you right now."
"That doesn't make me feel better."
"I'm trying."
[X]
Azula touches her, caressing her contoured body. She promises to herself that she will give Ty Lee absolutely everything, and slaughter and burn what is in their path to greatness. Their legs interlock, Azula's fingertips running along the shivering body of the acrobat.
"Maybe we should just talk," Ty Lee says softly, kissing Azula's neck.
"I want to be with you. Be with you," Azula purrs, something behind her words that Ty Lee cannot place. There is something off about her. She seems... darker. It is oddly arousing, and Ty Lee sinks into it.
Azula has a certain force behind her as she tears at the body of her wife. Pressed against the wall, pressed against the mattress, naked bodies pressed together. Bruises blossom, kisses burn, fingernails scrape. Azula runs her tongue along Ty Lee's clavicle. Shiver. Ty Lee runs her hand along the side of the princess's body. Down further, slipping two fingers into Azula.
Gasp. Breathe. Smoke.
Falling on her back, losing control. Thoughts race. Pressure. Orgasm. Azula's thoughts swirl as Ty Lee touches her tongue to Azula's cleavage. Goosebumps. Pleasure.
"I never want this to end," Azula breathes, meaning it in more ways than one.
"Neither do I." Ty Lee has no idea what comes after this, after this bliss.
Her hands shake as they fondle the body of her wife. Fear. Azula is afraid. Afraid of herself. Ty Lee does not notice, her eyes half closed. Azula scratches her and murmurs an apology, but Ty Lee moans. Her hands shake even worse.
They lie back after hours, tongues, in and out of lips and cunts and touches that begged for more and Azula could only think of her coup. She was not in the moment.
"I was a little distant," Azula says, her voice too regal, too formal. She lies in the dark, naked, sweaty, her wife at her side. It should be perfect. But Azula cannot help but want more. "I hope that didn't detract from your pleasure."
"I didn't notice," Ty Lee whispers, drifting off to sleep. Azula lies awake and watches her until the sun rises.
She is still sleeping peacefully when Azula finally gets out of bed. It must be so nice to not be preoccupied with so many thoughts. Azula envies her.
And she leans down and whispers, "I will give you the world," and she means it.
[X]
Azula plots the coup with ease. It does not take much time to figure out what must be done. Simple. Quick. Easy. Each move is planned out, playing behind her eyes as she goes through her day to day activities. Murder is unnecessary, but on the table. It will have to be tonight.
She locates the advisor who danced with her after a few innocent sounding questions. Once she finds him, they exchange a glance and slip into a hall filled with paintings of former Fire Lords. Hm, they did get Zuko's good side. The hallway is a fitting place to have the conversation about the next Fire Lord, in front of the images of those who came before Zuko. Came before her now, she supposes. She studies them all closely, imagining her image immortalized. Most of them are in states of disrepair, save for Sozin.
"I'm making my move," Azula says and his eyes light with excitement. The power she has over him almost makes her feel better about her father's hands on her body. "And when I do it... they'll support me."
"The New Ozai Society is strong. Thousands. Elite people in society belong to it. There will be supporters, and droves of them. We have been waiting to truly strike against Fire Lord Zuko, and you present us an opportunity to emerge from the shadows." After his declaration, Azula falls silent. The idea of people following her, after being stoned by children, is somewhat hard to believe.
But she nods in response.
"Wait for me each night this week. I have to make sure it's the right moment," Azula says icily, and they walk away as if they never knew each other.
But then she falls ill. The night she planned to seize the Fire Nation and rule the world with her bride, she gets incredibly sick. It is awful, hanging over her like a dark cloud. She cannot remember the last time she was physically sick, and it disgusts her. She has felt feverish and nauseated for days, but this has come on strong.
"I feel terrible," Azula murmurs as she and Ty Lee retreat to their quarters.
"You've been really distant all day. Kind of connivy."
"Connivy?"
"I invented the word to describe that look you get when you're conniving."
At Ty Lee's words, Azula suddenly faints, the acrobat managing to catch her. Ty Lee panics, clutching her wife. She sets her down on the bed, touching her wrist for a heartbeat. She seems normal, except for the fact that she is unconscious. Her skin is burning, on fire, and to Ty Lee, it feels hotter than the surface of the sun.
She screams for Zuko and he arrives, hearing the fear in her voice. He looks at Azula sprawled on the bed and his heart leaps into his chest.
"What happened?" he demands, his voice breathless. He touches her forehead and it burns his hand. That is not good.
"Is she poisoned? Or sick?" Ty Lee is bouncing around, but not pleasantly. Zuko takes a deep breath and tries to clear his head. He has to save her, but he does not know how.
As her brother and wife fret over her, Azula is spinning downwards. She feels herself falling, gut wrenching spins, and collapses on a bed of flames. They are as cold as ice, but crackle and burn in strange colors that do not seem to fit. The air tastes like smoke, and Azula feels like she is suffocating.
She moves, though her bones hurt, pushing herself off of the flames. Darkness surrounds her as she pushes forward. Nothing stops me. Nothing.
"Should we put her in like ice water?" Ty Lee shouts as Zuko is pacing. "Or wait-wait, aren't you supposed to sweat fevers out?"
"I don't know. I'm thinking!" Zuko rubs his neck, his jaw clenching after snapping at his sister-in-law.
Azula walks through the dark hallway, pressing her hands against the walls. They burn, but feel icy at the same time. Surrounded by cold blue flames wherever she goes. She stumbles and falls onto her knees.
"Why did you drop me?" screams Ty Lee, this time sounding more agonized. Azula pushes herself up and starts walking towards the voice. "Why did you drop me?"
Outside of Azula's head, Iroh and Ursa have joined the panicking Ty Lee and confused Zuko.
"Put her in ice water," Ursa says, reaching for Azula's arm. Iroh stops her.
"I saw this before with Zuko."
"Is she going to be the beautiful princess she was always meant to be?" Zuko asks derisively and Iroh makes an odd face.
"You were awake when I said that?" he asks loudly as Ursa is hoisting Azula over her shoulder.
"I don't care what happened with Zuko. I'm putting her in ice water," she says, walking towards Azula's en suite bathroom. Ty Lee starts frantically filling the bathtub.
"There's no ice!" she exclaims as Mai walks in, rubbing her eyes. Why would there be plentiful ice in the Fire Nation?
"What's... I'm not going to ask." Mai sighs, examining the insanity in front of her.
"Mai! Get a servant to get ice!" Ty Lee is pouring cold water into the clawed tub with fervor.
"I... okay." And Mai walks out of the room again.
A servant comes back with blocks of ice, which is difficult to come by in the Fire Nation summer. Ty Lee tosses them into the bathtub, water splashing everywhere. Zuko starts throwing ice in too as Iroh watches, looking uncomfortable.
Azula reaches the end of the hallway. A cage meant for circus animals. Ty Lee is inside of it, unconscious. Azula lights two fingers with blue flame, illuminating the room.
"Come out and fight, bastard," Azula purrs, looking for the captor. She moves, defensively, smoothly, like a feline. Her eyes keep flickering back to Ty Lee, whose head is leaning against golden bar, her eyes closed and eyelashes thick and dark.
The room lights up in a ring of red fire. In the center of the room is the throne of the Fire Nation, and opposite of Azula is her father. He looks exactly as he did when he fought Zuko, all of those years ago, not after his fall from power.
"Where is she?" is Azula's demand. "Where did you put her?"
Fire comes at her and she blocks it with ease. He will have to try harder than that.
And she fights. Calculated moves, fire flying at her from a faceless fear. And she tosses a flame that collides with the wall. What she thought was her father was merely a shadow. She walks towards the throne and falls through the floor, gasping.
Finally, she comes to balancing precariously on a single metal pole. She nearly falls, but outstretches her arms and keeps herself upright. Slowly, she looks below her. It is a gigantic scale, weighing two objects. And on one side is Ty Lee, still unconscious and in the circus cage, and on the other, is the throne, surrounded by azure flame.
"Jump, little princess." Push on her back.
She falls to the left.
Azula wakes up screaming, suddenly freezing cold. She gasps, glancing around. And she finds she is submerged to her chin, fully clothed, in a bath of ice water, surrounded by her family.
"Whose," Azula spits, dragging herself out of the bath, "bright idea was tossing me in ice water?"
"It was a mutual decision," Zuko says, scratching his neck. Azula feels the urge to vomit when she looks at his motions. She is going to kill him tomorrow night. Murder him. She imagines him as his corpse for a moment, and it does not bring her the same pleasure it once did.
Her father promised she would be perfect if she killed Zuko. If she could defeat him, she would have perfection, and her father's love. And every day Azula finds her life becoming more and more imperfect. Perhaps she can yet attain perfection, which has proven to be like catching smoke with her bare hands.
"I'll help you clean up," Ty Lee says, her tone informing the other inhabitants of the room to go back to sleep. Slowly, the crowd around Azula thins.
Ty Lee helps her to her feet and half-drags her to their bed. She opens the armoire in the corner and finds Azula's warmest clothes ─ which are not that cozy ─ and tosses them to her wife. Azula, shaking, starts getting dressed. Her hair drips, staining the red fabric darker where the cold water caresses it.
Azula sits, rubbing her arms. "You people gave me hypothermia."
"It woke you up," Ty Lee offers, shrugging slightly. She looks at Azula with such empathy in her eyes that Azula wants to tear out her throat. The mild fantasy of violence makes Azula queasy. "Hot tea or something? I'm sure Zuko will insist you be medically examined."
"I'm really fine," Azula says, though she knows she is not. She is sweating, despite how cold she is.
Ty Lee walks to her, touching her frigid skin. Usually Azula is unnaturally warm. She feels slippery to the touch, and Ty Lee wonders if she should get a towel, or stay with her, or what she should do. Azula looks, pained.
"What happened at our wedding?" Ty Lee whispers. Azula kisses her in response. The water from Azula's hair rolls between Ty Lee's breasts like teardrops. It chills her, finally disappearing between her ribs as it streaks down beneath her nightdress.
Azula starts removing Ty Lee's clothes, just as the door opens. Ty Lee springs away with grace, leaving her nightgown behind her.
"Zuko called for a doctor," says the woman clutching a bag of herbs.
Azula purses her lips.
Zuko won't be calling the shots much longer.